Being Human Review: Changes Are Coming

This week’s episode of Being Human, “Going Dutch”, kicked off with Aidan, Marcus (Vincent Leclerc) and Bishop (Mark Pellegrino) bringing the Dutch clan to the vampire blood den while we hear Aidan’s voiceover about change being the only constant in the universe. The Dutch are used to feeding by the water and want to see the harbor, which Bishop explains is impossible thanks to all the tourism and developments in that part of the city. He goes on to tell the Dutch the women in the blood den are all there of their free will, which offends the Dutch clan and leads to them draining every girl in the place dry. Bishop says to Aidan (Sam Witwer) and Marcus there’s a traitor in their midst—yeah Marcus, he’s onto you—and that all three could die today.

At the hospital, Nora (Kristen Hager) is annoyed Josh (Sam Huntington) disappeared for two days without any explanation. He begs her forgiveness and she tells him she’s pregnant. They fight about it without really meaning to, and Josh doesn’t get much out when Nora says she’s going back to the version of this conversation she had in her head, which is much better.

At the funeral home, Rebecca (Sarah Allen) asks why Aidan is back with the vampire family. He says wants to make things better, for everyone to learn to control their hunger, which Rebecca doesn’t believe is possible. She laughs it off, saying she’s tired of his disappointments.

Meanwhile at the apartment, Sally (Meaghan Rath) is on the couch when Danny (Gianpaolo Venuta) and Bridget (Angela Galuppo) come in with an “exterminator”, a.k.a. exorcist. Sally thinks she’s a realtor at first, with all the questions about the spaces and the couple moving on. Danny’s trying to hurry her along, but the exorcist wants to work room by room. Sally gets alarmed when she realizes why the woman is really there. The exorcist binds Sally to the house with lines of salt around the room. Sally desperately tries to mist out, but can’t.

The ritual starts and the exorcist is asking Sally to find peace. Danny is concerned with her “nice guy” tactics, because he could have done that. Turns out asking nicely is only Plan A,a dn when Sally blows out some lights the exorcist realizes it’s time for Plan B. The exorcist is praying and waving some incense while Sally struggles and writhes with pain. She screams to Danny that she’s left him alone and doesn’t get why he’s doing this. As the ritual goes on she turns to her ghostly mist. Sally calls out to Bridget for help, who stops the ritual. She asks what will happen, and the exorcist tells her she doesn’t know. Danny gets upset. She and Danny argue over what Sally deserves, and what they deserve. The exorcist continues.

Marcus outs himself as the traitor to the audience, talking with Hegeman about handling Bishop and who will run Boston. Hegeman isn’t sure death is a necessary end game, and wants to think of the greater good. Marcus is concerned Aidan will be the new clan leader and tells Hegeman Aidan is a heretic. Hegeman tells him not to presume to tell him things he already knows, and says it will be discussed at their next meeting.

Hegeman expresses concern to Aidan over Bishop’s plan to grow his family and take vampire matters public. Vampires have rules that limit numbers to keep each clan equal in power. Hegeman says all previous attempts to come into the light have never worked, and this plan jeopardizes them all. Bishop responds they’re either the master race or cowards, and references a council that will surely come into play in later episodes. Hegeman tells Bishop to kill 2/3 of the clan and go back with the Dutch for 50 years of slumber underground. Aidan tries to convince him to take the deal to stay alive. They both know if he doesn’t, every clan will come after them.

Over at the hospital, Josh goes into a room to see Nora holding their baby. Josh is confused and asks if the baby is healthy, Nora says perfect. Josh moves in for a look and the baby is clearly wolf-esque. He wakes up from the dream. Josh is excited to see Aidan, who’s at the hospital to keep up appearances. He won’t tell Josh how things are going with the vampires. Josh wants him to come back to the house, Aidan doesn’t know when/if he can. Josh tells him about Nora, and Aiden tries to reassure him through his concerns. Aidan tells Josh he’s getting his shot at a normal life, and that at least one of them should.

At the funeral home, Marcus and Rebecca set the table. Marcus tells the story of how he was turned and that he still wants more from Rebecca. At the big vampire dinner, the gang dines on a woman pregnant with twins compelled to lay still. Hegeman asks Bishop for his decision, but Aidan steps in and says he will go with the Dutch in Bishop’s place. Marcus asks that he take over Bishop’s leadership. Bishop intervenes and accepts their terms and agrees to leave Boston just as Hegeman starts choking.

Apparently, Lola and the other massacred girls at the blood den were full of juniper, which is a slow acting toxin to vampires, causing paralysis. Bishop takes a sword from the wall, and Hegeman begs Aidan and Marcus for help. Bishop calls those two useless and says if the Dutch hadn’t drained the donors, they’d be fine, but their greed is too much. Bishop decapitates one of the Dutch and Marcus flees the room as he dusts. Bishop goes after the others, but Aidan intervenes and escapes with Hegeman. Marcus knocks Aidan down, wanting to regain Bishop’s favor by killing both of them. Marcus goes to stake Aidan, but Rebecca stakes Marcus first from behind. She grabs Hegeman and tells Aidan they need to go.

At the house, Danny tells the exorcist stories about how he wanted Sally to be happy and to give her a family. He wants to finish it, because he can’t take much more. Sally, enraged, jumps into the exorcist and she sees everything Danny did to her. The exorcist takes Sally’s appearance and lashes out at Danny, who starts to strangle her. She slaps Danny and he throws her into the wall. Sally falls out of the exorcist. The exorcist tells Danny she knows what he is, leaving the house and returning Danny’s money. She thinks Sally deserves this place and Danny deserves whatever he gets. He calls Sally a liar, but the exorcist tells him the dead don’t lie.

Bridget tries to leave and says she won’t tell anyone, but Danny grabs her and says that’s not who he is. Bridget apologizes to Sally before running out. Danny is left alone in the house with a creepy looking Sally.

Josh finds Nora at the hospital and apologizes again. Nora is tired of his apologies. Josh tells her he has genetic problems and didn’t think he could get anyone pregnant, and that his whole family is screwed up. Nora asks whose family isn’t, and tells him that she swore to never have children. She’s usually paranoid about protection, but that night had something different about it. They decide not to decide anything now, because it’s early, and Josh tells her he’s not going anywhere.

Elsewhere, in an alley, Hegeman is healing already. Aidan tells him to go to the clans and tell them what he saw so they can stop Bishop. Hegeman tells him to prepare for what’s coming before speeding off. Rebecca asks if he’ll make it. Bishop says maybe…probably. Aidan thanks her and Rebecca tells him Marcus was responsible for what happened with Bernie, and to be careful because Bishop’s plan is well laid.

Aidan says everything he’s done in Boston has been a mistake. He tells Rebecca none of this has ever been her fault. She knows it’s all been out of her control until now and hands him a stake. Rebecca says she’s not meant to be like this, and she was supposed to die when Aidan first took her, that it’s not right she’s still here. She begs him. They kiss and she says please and puts the stake in position, closing her eyes. Aidan starts to cry and thrusts. She thanks him before dusting.

Hopefully Aidan can rejoin the gang back at the house, now that he’s crossed Bishop and is left without any vampire allies. I’m interested to see more of the vampire council and what type of ruling structure they use over the other clans. With Rebecca out of the way, it seems Aidan will be getting a visit from a human, now older, former lover of his, in a plot retreaded from the BBC series. A lot of questions remain and just a few episodes left in season one. How has the exorcism affected Sally? Will Nora and Josh keep their baby? How far along exactly is Bishop’s plan?

Season 1, Episode 11 “Going Dutch” (original air date March 28, 2011)

Being Human airs Mondays at 9:00 PM on Syfy.

Images courtesy of Jason DeCrow and Syfy

The Amazing Race Review: I Feel Like a Monkey in a Circus Parade

On this week’s episode of The Amazing Race, the teams travel to India for a tea tasting, Zev finds out that a pointless challenge is just the show’s sick idea of a joke and Gary and Mallory are getting close to the lamest prize ever.

We start off this week with the teams visiting a tea shop in China for a traditional tea tasting. All of the teams are bummed that this leg will continue on in China as they’re hoping for some new ground to cover. What the teams don’t know, and therefore remain oblivious to the importance of this task, is that the papaya mango tea they are currently sipping will become important later in the leg. Oops. Zev calls this challenge pointless, which in retrospect, I assume will present itself as the first clue for him. Has Race ever had a completely pointless task? I can’t recall one, but I guess that’s just because I’m still suffering from a tea hangover after this week.

After the teams perform the tea tasting, they get their next clue which sends them out of China and on to Kolkata, India. All of the teams are shocked at their reception to this new city as there are hundreds (which is probably closer to a thousand) of people crowded around the airport. I can best describe it as a calm mob that the the teams try to push their way through as they try to hail a taxi, which it turns out provides its own form of entertainment. It always amazes me what happens when teams are confronted with different rules of the road on foreign soil. The New York City/Crazy Taxi style of driving takes all the teams by surprise as their drivers speed through red lights, play chicken with trucks, and become this close to giving Ron something to really complain about (Excuse me sir, there’s a bumper in my side. Of course, as we know Ron would probably add a few sentence enhancers in there somewhere).

When they get to their task, the teams discover the importance of the tea tasting. As for their task, the teams must perform yet another tea tasting and choose from hundreds of sets to find the same papaya mango tea that they tasted earlier. Once the teams find that proverbial needle in a haystack, they must bring the glass to the judge who will give them their next clue. Ron, probably still coasting from the excitement of the taxi ride pimp smack’s the heck out of this challenge and makes it cower in the corner like a little punk. The greatness of this feat becomes even more apparent when the other teams continue to struggle with this task. Honestly, the key to Ron’s strategy was he simply smelled the tea and found the one with mango; for everyone else, the strategy is to drink tea after tea until they find it which as you can guess takes quite a while. In fact, Zev, Flight Time, and Luke drink so much tea that at times they think about quitting this task. But in the true spirit of the game, they all continue on through their doubts. Flight Time and Zev get through after a while, and finally Luke is last at this task. At this point, Luke is completely frustrated and doesn’t feel that he can drink any more tea. But after a hug from his mother and a rousing cheer from the locals encouraging him on, Luke takes a tray full of teas and just starts to drink them one by one and hold them up to the cluemaster until he finally presents him with the right one. When Luke is given the “yes” it’s a very emotional moment; Luke is crying, his mom is crying, I’m crying, and the locals heft Luke up in the air. I swear, never on TV have I seen a moment of true solidarity and goodwill that the locals showed Luke here at this challenge. It was truly a beautiful moment. Luke gets his clue and the team continues on.

In a creative twist, the clue for this challenge is written on the inside of a top of Snapple. This provides only a momentary stop for the contestants as most of them open the bottle and see their clue right away. Kisha/Jen on the other hand choose not to open their bottle and instead start looking for a Snapple factory which of course they never find. After asking a local who attempts to open the bottle, Kisha/Jen finally realize that the clue is, indeed, on the inside.

For the second task the teams had to either decorate a statue of a Hindu god or deliver textbooks to a school. Gary/Mallory, The Cowboys, and Zev/Justin choose to deliver books to the school and this seems to be the better task. The danger here is leading the drivers to the school, but after asking the locals all of the teams accomplish this fairly quickly. Gary/Mallory move on to win this leg and are presented by host Phil Keoghan with a bottle of Snapple. What, Snapple? Yes, Snapple. You see it wasn’t a coincidence that this whole leg was about tea as  Snapple will have a limited edition papaya mango tea. And as the winners, Gary/Mallory will be the first to taste it. Are you serious? Smack my head in disbelief, this sucks. And just when I’m sympathizing with Gary/Mallory over the worse prize ever Phil goes on to tell them about everything else they have won, which includes a treat of traditional Indian feast and performance along with 1 million rubies to share (which equals out to over 20 thousand US dollars folks!) Yeah, this is sweet.

Anyway to the task, Kent/Vyxsin, Kisha/Jen, Ron/Christina, The Globetrotters, and Margie/Luke all choose to decorate the statue which involves painting the 6-foot figurine, and nailing on fabric and bracelets to finish. This task does take a bit of time and attention to detail, but the teams don’t have a problem with this until… while finishing their task Flight Time accidentally spills paint down the front of their statue, marring it and making the team have to cover over this mistake. Luke/Margie have already arrived at the task and these two are in a battle for last so this mistake is not taken well with Big Easy. The team covers over their mistake and as they leave hug Margie and Luke because this has been a difficult task for both teams. And it’s not over yet because Margie/Luke finish soon after the Globetrotters and it is now up to the mercy of the oh so dreaded traffic. In the end, The Globetrotters arrive first at the pit stop, leaving Margie/Luke to come in last. They are eliminated.

Here are the rankings:
1. Gary/Mallory- winning that sweet Snapple Indian package
2. Jet/Cord
3. Ron/Chris
4. Zev/Justin
5. Kent/Vyxsin
6. Flight Time/Big Easy

Season 18, Episode 6: “I Fell Like A Monkey in a Circus Parade”

The Amazing Race airs Sundays at 8/7c on CBS.

Photos courtesy of Robert Voets/CBS/IMdb Pro.

The Game Review: Definitely a Cliffhanger

Just when the referees were standing over the players and hoping they’d run down the clock as The Game was going down for the count, the producers and directors each took a rein and steered the season finale into another, albeit small, comeback.  Using Minnie Riperton’s “Loving You” as Melanie (Tia Mowry) gazed at herself in the mirror contemplating why she still isn’t pregnant isn’t a bad way to steer.

During a meeting with Tasha (Wendy Raquel Robinson), Melanie and Derwin (Pooch Hall) learned that she had resumed the management reins of Malik’s (Hosea Chanchez) career.  After the meeting in his savviness, Derwin made the business decision to remove Tasha as his manager because he realized her loyalties would be divided between his successful career and Malik’s failing career.  However, he also made the coward move of having Melanie tell Tasha that she’s fired since Melanie is supposed to be the “CEO of the family.”  First of all, family is one thing.  Business is another. Just two months ago, Derwin make the CEO decision to keep Melanie separate from his life/relationship with DJ and Janay (Gabrielle Dennis).  Now, he wants her to be the CEO and have the tough conversation with Tasha.  Just as he failed to take the responsibility of verifying the paternity of DJ, and inadvertently left Melanie to take care of business that should have been handled by him, again Derwin failed to take the responsibility of firing the his business manager and left Melanie to take care of business that should have been handled by him, thereby putting Melanie in an awkward and uncomfortable position with her friend, which resulted in a huge fight and cracked their friendship.

Not only did Tasha lose her biggest money-making client in Derwin, she also found out that the Zen-esque Bo (Mario van Peebles) is not only really named Ronnie, but is also a lying adulterer and father of two kids who probably doesn’t even have cancer, let alone a terminal disease. Instead of slipping into the familiar ghetto girl role that only Tasha Mack can do and getting her gun from the car and shooting “Ronnie Bo, his wife, and his two ashy kids,” Tasha simply wished him well, charged it to the game, and walked away.  While we’re about the business of discussing Tasha Mack’s lines, why does Tasha, or Wendy Raquel Robinson, deliver all her lines like she’s a disc jockey on the mic hyping up a non-existent party?  Tasha doesn’t talk in conversations but in sound bites.  Every line is excitedly exhaled like she’s one of her clients reading the lines for a commercial.  What’s more, she always, always, always talks in the third person.  I’m hard-pressed to recall any of her dialogue using the words “I,” “me,” or “my” and that weren’t delivered in 10 to 15-second intervals.  If Tasha is removing herself from any intimate, personal association with what’s going on in her life, then she needed to have attended rehab with Malik.

In his quest to get Jenna (Tika Sumpter) back, Malik showed up at the fake photo shoot that he set up for her after his visits her home and her phone calls failed to elicit him the response he wanted.  However, the reaction that he didn’t want or plan to have was her falling off the wagon as was the case when she showed up at his house drunk and high after she realized she had nothing better going for herself so she might as well give into Malik and be with him.

Derwin isn’t proactive when it comes to his business manager because apparently he saved his focus for the new QB position.  Derwin invited Jason (Coby Bell) to lunch to ask him to talk Kwan Kirkland (Charles Michael Davis), Jason’s former SC teammate, into signing with the Sabers. In a stroking-his-ego, bromance move, Kwan played Jason (and Derwin) into believing he was that humble a follower of Jason until the press conference, when he not only insulted Malik, the former QB, but also cracked Jason’s face by walking away with Jason’s old girlfriend Camille (Stacey Dash) after Jason made a date with her…and inadvertently him.

Apparently, Melanie “definitely” has an Achilles heel. During the doctor’s visit to find out why Melanie was not pregnant, Melanie and Derwin admitted that they’d both been under stress and she answered no to having previously been “taking any medication, having infrequent periods, having had any miscarriages,” and she “definitely” denied having had any abortions.  While Derwin has played the dumb role in the past when it comes to the women in his life, his antennas “definitely” went up by Melanie’s response to the doctor’s last question, and he asked her if the abortion that she’d had was his.

While a few of us fans of The Game are still on the fence regarding whether or not we’ll buy tickets for next season, the cliffhanger in this season’s finale means we’ll at least tune in for next season’s home opener.

Season 4, Episode 12: “The Right to Choose” (originally aired March 29, 2011)

Click here for all of Savannah DuBois’ touchdown-scoring coverage of The Game‘s fourth season.

Images courtesy of BET and IMDbPro

Review: With its Quickstep, Jive, and some Fiber, Dancing With the Stars is “Winning!”

On the second week of Dancing With the Stars, Tommy B. (Tom Bergeron, for you out of touch folk) eagerly opened the show by telling us the stars have one more chance to “dance for redemption”, as tonight’s votes will be combined with last week’s for the very first elimination of the season …. “LIIIIVEE!!!!!” Yes, Tommy brought back his “LIIIVEEE!” catchphrase, which we all know by now is just a clever way of him saying hello to me. Sort of the way that Carol Burnett used to tug on her ear to recognize her grandmother, Tommy B. uses his “LIIIVE!!!” as sort of a mating call to his favorite friendly stalker: ME! I know you are sending me the love Tommy, and I appreciate it. One day you will feel free enough to replace your secret “LIIIVE!” call with a simple and direct “Hello to kelleyiskelley on Twitter,” since that is, in fact, where we met. Okay. I sense that I am scaring you now. Therefore, I shall move on. For the moment.

Let’s talk about the Dancing With the Stars theme song for a second. Whoever wrote this little instrumental number deserves some sort of songwriting award for “Cheesiest TV Theme Song of ALL TIME!” I thought getting Rebecca Black’s “Friday” out of my head was tough; this DWTS theme keeps me awake at night with it’s endless, repetitive, addicting beat. The worst thing about having this song in your head, is that it has NO WORDS!!! So you are going around singing “da da da da da da da – da da da da DA!”, and sounding like a complete tool. I wonder if Tommy has this song stuck in his head 24 hours a day. But I digress.

Tommy had such wonderful energy at the top of the show, that the audience clapped right over Brooke Burke and whatever the heck she was saying. That’s really a good thing though, since her main purpose is to stand there and look pretty in that black rubbery sparkly dress. Let us get right to the dancing …

1. Sugar Ray / Anna:

Although Sugar Ray was knocked down during the rehearsals, his Jive was much improved from last week’s dance. He called it his “rematch”. Let’s not get carried away here buddy. It was improved, but you’re not getting any dancing scholarships just yet. Judge Len Goodman started off extra-cranky tonight; telling the audience to “talk to the hand” when they booed his critique. Bruno told “Sugar” he looked like his feet were stuck in quicksand, and Carrie Ann said the facial expressions were great, but the footwork, not so much. Brooke Burke asked the couple her FAVORITE question after receiving their scores: “How does that feel?” Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

2. Kendra / Louis:

Hugh Hefner’s Playboy girl and her partner Brillo-pad head rehearsed turning Kendra into more “of a lady.” I shall now be mature and NOT make any jokes about the Playboy mansion, Hefner, or anything of that nature. Ahem. Kendra got emotional at the thought of people thinking of her as just some sexy plaything. “That’s not who I am.” Okay, well then who are you? Alf? Nell Carter? Soupy Sales? Silly me – I thought you were “famous” for being exactly those things. I must have misunderstood. Anyhoo … the couple’s Quickstep felt very stiff (again, not making any jokes here) and tight. (Get your head out of the gutter.) It came across as if she was forcing herself to smile, and trying a bit too hard. The judges felt she did improve and gave her scores as: 7/6/6. Brooke Burke asked pointlessly: “How does that feel?”

3. Chelsea / Mark:

Disney-girl Chelsea and her partner Mark danced the Jive, and decided to completely freak me out for life by dressing as creepy MIMES!!! Mark’s eye makeup alone was enough to give me nightmares for a year straight; and Chelsea’s ragdoll, giant painted on eyelashes made me feel frightened and unsafe. Once I got over looking at their weird faces, I thought the dance itself was pretty darn good, especially for week two. Great footwork, fast-paced, and super FUN! Carrie Ann disagreed and was incredibly harsh with her: “there is a time and a place for that, and I don’t think it’s right now.” Ummm … WHAT? It was a fun dance. They didn’t murder your entire family. A time and place for that? What an overdramatic, weird comment. Relax woman. Have some fun. Grouchy old man Len Goodman thought it was “too much messing about”, while Bruno seemed to be the only non-party-pooper of the bunch, and actually enjoyed the routine. Brooke Burke put a slight spin on her usual “How do you feel?” by asking: “How do you feel …. about the risk you took there?” Ooooohhhh Brooke. Sounds like someone else is taking a little risk too with THAT probing question. Good for you! Judges Scores: 6/5/7. (I thought these were too low.)

4. Chris / Cheryl:

The WWE Wrestler and his partner Cheryl Burke focused on trying to make the Quickstep as memorable and improved as possible. Chris is quickly becoming a favorite of mine in the competition. I know nothing about wrestling, but I love his funny personality (he is also pretty cute.) This works out because my husband is in love with Cheryl, so we can both root these two on together. Jericho said he is: “terrified of Cheryl. I don’t want her to yell at me!” Well, all that yelling worked, because this was one of the best dances of the night. Clean, quick, energetic, tight, fun, and fantastic footwork. Bruno Tonioli quipped: “I like a man who responds well to strict discipline!” while Horny Carrie Ann said she liked Jericho’s “bum placement.” Whatever you say lady. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

5. Petra / Dmitry:

The model and her pro-partner danced the Jive in some strange looking outfits that I didn’t quite get (yellow top with bright red shorts). The dance was fun, cute, with some moments of nice kicks and leg-action. Of course, if I had Petra’s long legs, any leg-action is a good thing. This dance, for me, fell into the middle of the pack. Didn’t stand out, but didn’t stink either. Judges Scores: 6/6/6. That’s about right.

6. Kirstie / Maks:

Actress Kirstie Alley (my personal favorite in the cast) talked during rehearsal footage of wanting to lose 40 more pounds, and about always being insecure about her weight. She said that she needs to get comfortable with herself and she never has been, whether she was 130 pounds or 250. Kirstie figured (out loud to the cameras of course – she isn’t stupid) that the only way for her to reach this goal and beyond – is for people to send her to the finals of this show. Yes, you tell ‘em Kirstie! Put it in their heads NOW that you need to go far in this competition. When Maks told her that this week’s dance alone will probably knock off a good amount of weight, Kirstie did her best Charlie Sheen impression by exclaiming: “WINNING!” Hilarious. The dance itself , although not quite as awesome as her opening dance last week, was still very good. She is magnetic to watch. I said it last week, but she looks so very genuinely happy to be up there, and that is fun to watch. At the end of the song, Alley planted a kiss on Maks that was spur of the moment and flirty. The judges enjoyed her performance, but were not quite as excited as last week. Tommy called Len “cranky”, and the judges scores were: 7/6/7. Cranky Len gave the 6.

7. Mike / Lacey:

During rehearsal footage, Mike vowed to his partner that he would do better than his low scores showed in week one. With his radio partner Dr. Drew there in the crowd to cheer him on, Mike delivered on the improvement part of his promise. I wouldn’t say this was a stand-out dance by any means, but it was better than last time, which was pretty bad. Lacey once again looked like she just crawled out of bed, all messy-haired and grunge-like. Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

8. Romeo / Chelsie:

It is already clear that this Romeo character, who I had never even heard of until this show introduced me, is mountains above his dad; Master P. His cocky personality, however, leaves something to be desired. The rehearsal footage consisted mostly of him finding reasons to remove his shirt, show off his muscles, and repeatedly ask Chelsie to touch his chest or feel his bicep. Who are you, The Situation? Stop it already. As for the dance, it was very nice. Smooth movement, great musicality. Horny Carrie Ann got moist under the table with excitement, Bruno announced that Romeo is “the one to watch!”, and even crankypants Len called it “the best dance of the night.” (I personally thought Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke had the dance of the night – but then again, my name’s not Bruno Tonioli. Thank God.) Judges Scores: 7/8/8.

9. Wendy / Tony:

During their practices, talk-show host Wendy Williams worries out loud to partner Tony about her big boobs getting in the way. That penis of hers is another story. (In case you missed it last week, Wendy is a man. I would bet money on it. Not being mean here – just a fact. Based on opinion.) The dance itself was quite scary and intimidating. Williams was wearing a strange light pink dress with her hair up in a very old-fashioned style, which made her look like Weezy Jefferson stuck inside of a Pepto bottle. Tony had on some sort of ridiculous brown vest and beret, which made absolutely no sense with what Wendy was wearing. The whole dance was a bit messy and pointless actually, and she moves as if she is in slow-motion. While getting judged, Wendy took her gigantic man-finger and brushed it across her teeth. I have no idea why (removing lipstick I guess), but it creeped me out. I think the judges would score her lower, but they are too afraid. Scores: 6/5/6.

10. Ralph / Karina:

Last week, I was too focused on The Karate Kid’s weird Alan Thicke, frozen-in-time face to comment on his bizarre, confused hairline. I apoligize for that, and promise to keep my mocking skills at their prime in the future. Macchio brought his kids in to watch rehearsal, in order to show what a fabulous daddy he is and make the audience love him as a family man by relating to him more. (It IS a reality show after all. Emotional manipulation is what they are best at.) Ralph and Karina danced the Jive, and it was once again a total blast. Great song choice, good rhythm. Len called it a bit “frenzied”, Bruno said that Macchio is very likeable, and Carrie Ann thought it needed to be sharper. Tommy then had one word for Len and his cranky ways: “Fiber.”  Judges Scores: 7/7/7.

11. Hines / Kym:

This couple danced The Quickstep with a lot of ease, smoothness, and great posture and frame. This was a terrific dance. Horny Carrie Ann made a weird noise like: “Sssss!”, then giggled like a schoolgirl. Bruno joined her. Len rolled his eyes, and Brooke Burke said, as if reading off a cue card: “Great job you two!” Wow. Convincing. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

Elimination Show:

Bergeron and Burke began the results show by introducing a perfectly cheesy opening number performed by the pro-dancers. After that, we were treated to an hour of “filler” material to further delay and dramatically prolong the actual results of which “star” went home first. This entertainment included endless montages of the dancing pairs talking into the camera about their relationship, what it’s like to work together, and their chemistry. We also learned that Wendy Williams enjoys burping. That is really something I didn’t need to know. She/he demonstrated with a loud burp in video footage, just in case we didn’t believe her. What a lady.

Speaking of class, next up was a performance by Chris “I’m not violent!” Brown, which I didn’t pay attention to. In fact, my Mute button on the remote got a pretty good workout during this part of the program.

Finally,  the results were revealed. The bottom two couples were:

Sugar Ray and Anna / Mike and Lacey

After what I believe was the longest pause in TV history … Bergeron announced that the couple going home tonight is ……. Mike and Lacey. He softened the blow by informing them that they get to go on Jimmy Kimmel’s show tonight and meet Britney Spears! YAY!!! That makes everything better. Well Mike – good luck. We hardly knew ye. Brooke Burke left him with one last genius interview: “Well, we’ve had some good laughs. But seriously, all joking aside … ” Really? Where was the joke? There was no joke. You didn’t tell a joke. Actually, Mike left with a pretty good joke himself. When Bergeron asked him how it felt to be in the same group as other “sent home first” dancers as David Hasselhoff and Jeffrey Ross, Mike replied: “I feel like I am part of history. I am on the Mount Rushmore of terrible dancers.” Now THAT’s funny! But all joking aside Brooke ……

Did your favorite make it through? Will you miss Mike? (I didn’t even know who he was until this show.) Can you teach Brooke Burke what a joke is? Post your comments here!

Season 12, Episode 2 and 3 (originally aired March 28 and 29, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/6c, Tuesdays at 9/8c, on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey, and Rick Rowell.

Californication Review: And Justice For All

It’s official: Tom Kapinos has hit the reboot button on Californication with the season four finale, creating the freshest start for both Hank Moody and the show itself since it started back in 2007. Right from the get-go, we are dumped into a court room for Hank’s sentencing. Thankfully, any sort of pretentious or unnecessary build up to this moment is axed and after some finger-wagging from the judge, the fate of Hank Moody is very quickly revealed: Three Years.

Well, three years probation. Coupled with community service and a $25,000 dollar fine, it’s a gracious slap on the wrist, the likes of which would have Lindsay Lohan applauding with approval.  The verdict sends Hank reeling into the arms and bed of Abby, where he joyfully coos about never being “so excited to write a huge check and service the community for 12 days.” All this before the opening credits.

With the tremendous weight of jail lifted, Hank and Abby swing over to Stu’s (Stephen Toblowsky) Hollywood Hills home for a party celebrating the production start of “Fucking and Punching.” It is a modest affair, with only those closest to the film in attendance: Hank and Abby, Karen and Ben, Stu and Marcy, Charlie (Evan Handler) and Peggy (Melissa Stephens), Sasha (Addison Timlin) and director Glen.

In his own way, Hank makes his peace with Ben, or at least tries to. Ben, of course, is unmoved by the gesture and instead opts to jokingly slug Hank, but there are too many witnesses. It’s here that Karen realizes that Hank and Abby have been sleeping together, even during the trial.  “I’m just telling you to make you jealous. Just a little bit,” Hank says. Just when the conversation is about to nosedive, they are saved from themselves by the arrival of Charlie, Peggy and her absolute insanity. Later, Stu pays homage to Being There by setting up a clear plexiglass plank just beneath the surface of his pool and walks across it holding an umbrella, much to…well, no one’s amusement.  Just before things start to get really boring, Eddie Nero (Rob Lowe) arrives with style; that of Hank Moody, complete with black shirt, jeans, and the trademark Moody quaff.

Before dinner, Stu makes a toast to celebrate the production start of the film (“The bravest, most erotic book I’ve ever read”), to celebrate Marcy (“The bravest, most erotic woman I’ve ever met”), and to celebrate Hank.  As dinner unfolds, Karen reveals that she is taking Becca and Pearl on a road trip with Ben, unbeknownst to Hank. After putting up a little bit of resistance, Hank relents, “What do I think? I think it’s a solid fucking plan and what the fuck do I care anymore?” and while this may be a bit of a front, amazingly there is truth buried within that statement for the first time ever. Meanwhile down the table, Marcy and Peggy are having quite the verbal sparring match until Charlie unexpectedly springs to Marcy’s defense, stating that he still loves her despite their divorce. The chivalry snaps Marcy into action and she stands up announcing that she is pregnant with Charlie’s baby. The one-two punch is too much for Peggy, who puts on her crazy-Glenn Close hat, grabbing a steak knife and stabbing Charlie in the hand. Instantly, there is chaos. Marcy jumps the table and attacks Peggy, Charlie is screaming bloody murder, and Eddie Nero starts making out with Peggy once she is pulled off of Marcy. “She is just my kind of psycho,” Eddie admits.

After most everybody has cleared out of the house, Hank finds himself walking up and down that clear piece of Being There plexiglass where Abby feels compelled to set the record straight between the two of them. “You know exactly where to find me. And that’s what scares the shit out of you; the fact that I am real, not some ghost. So call me. Don’t call me. The choice is yours.” She leaves Hank to figure it out and when he tries to run after her, slips and hits his head on the plexiglass. Sinking into the pool, he has a vision of a dreadlocked Jesus figure…but it’s only Ben, rescuing him from certain-ish death. It’s here that the two finally bury the hatchet. “You don’t kiss Karen like that, do you?” Hank asks of Ben’s CPR tactics. “Because there was absolutely no tongue.”

The next day, Becca arrives at Hank’s hotel room to say goodbye before embarking on the road trip. “You know what I think, Dad? I think it’s going to be okay. Chapters End. Go Home,” she suggests. And with this mantra, the lush sounds of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” fade in, the song that ended the pilot episode, but starts probably the most stirring and poignant montage of the entire series; Hank steps into his apartment and, for a moment, it looks like he is actually home, until crew members and facades fill the frame, revealing that it’s merely the set of “F&P.” Each room he walks into is filled with memories of Karen and Becca, but unlike before, Hank does not look haunted by them. He looks calmed. Accepting. As if to put it to bed once and for all, he steals away into a Star Wagon with the actress playing Karen, where the two speak about the great romance of the film and quickly seal the deal together. Meanwhile, Karen and Becca stop at a gas station during the road trip where a black Porsche pulls up. The two stop in their tracks instinctively, but it’s not Hank. Not in the slightest. Back on set, satisfied, Hank jumps into his Porsche, typewriter in tow and literally drives off into the sunset, destination unknown both figuratively and literally. It amounts to what could ultimately have been a series finale; satisfying and entertaining, all with much-needed closure.

Californication closes its fourth season on a serious high note with the tropes and narrative/character arcs of the series seemingly wiped from the slate. Excitingly, this will no doubt give the show all manner of creative freedom moving forward and breathe new life into a series that has matured admirably over the years and knows when it’s time to move on.

Season 4, Episode 12: “…And Justice For All” (originally aired March 27, 2011)

Fret, not Moody fans – Californication will be back for a fifth season on Showtime, premiere TBA.

Check out all of Keith Kuramoto’s Season Four recaps here.

Images courtesy of Jordin Althaus for Showtime

The Killing Interview: One-On-One With Brandon Jay McLaren

AMC’s newest original and highly anticipated series is The Killing (premiering Sunday, April 3rd).  Based on an extremely popular and critically acclaimed Danish television series, The Killing revolves around the murder investigation into the death of a young girl in Seattle. The crime drama follows the lives of the investigators, the victim’s family, and the prime suspects.

Brandon Jay McLaren (Harper’s Island, Being Erica) stars as one of those suspects and I had a chance to talk to him about what we can expect from The Killing, his character, and what other projects we might expect from him in the future.

AMC has produced some very popular and creative original shows. Were you pretty excited to get the role in The Killing?

Oh yeah.  Working on an AMC series doesn’t get any better. I was excited just to do the pilot. I play a poli-sci teacher of Rosie’s (the victim).  It turns out I have a dark past that I want to keep secret. I end up lying to the cops a lot.

Is this teacher a likable character or are you more of a villain?

A little bit of both. There are no real heroes or villains. Everybody on the show walks that line of good and bad. And that makes it more interesting I think. The show follows the parents of the victim and the cops and the suspects like me, there’s also a political story line as well. And it’s all about how this one incident affects all of these lives.

So, the show is based off a Dutch series. Did you watch any of it?

No. The cast was 50-50 of people who watched the original show and people who didn’t.  I didn’t want to be influenced by it, you know? But according to those that did watch it, loved it, and that our show follows kinda closely. They would point out “this was different” or “this part is exactly the same.” I didn’t even know what my character was up to for the first four episodes. I got the scripts, we shot them, but I still didn’t know what he was hiding. And then the producers called me in and told me “this is where we are going with you.” I liked it that way, it didn’t influence the way I was playing him before that point.

I saw the trailer for it, which was awesome, and I couldn’t believe how much it showed but I still couldn’t tell what exactly was going on. They don’t even tell you if she is dead or not in it.

I know, isn’t it good? And it’s like 5 minutes long. That’s what the show is like, you don’t know what to think.

Since the show splits up the plotlines, do you get to work with everyone on the show or are there some actors you don’t get to work with?

Well, the cops have to talk to me because I’m Rosie’s teacher. Then it follows the suspects like me. And since I’m her teacher I’m also involved in the parents’ story. And I run an after school program to help with the local election so I’m also part of the political story. So I get to work with everybody. It shows how we are all connected and how we are all affected by the murder.

It sounds like you are in it a lot. I hear that crime dramas are a tough set to work on with long hours, is that true?

I mean, I like working and the people on the set and the cast are great. So I don’t mind at all.

And it films in Vancouver, your hometown right?

Yeah I’m still up here now and it’s nice to also visit friends and family while working. I’ll be back in L.A. soon. But yeah it’s always great to be working here.

You have done both film and TV, do you like doing one over the other?

I really like being able to play one character for a long time. I get to really develop the character on a series because you get so much time on them. But they’re different. Film, you get 20 takes to get it right, which is nice. TV you get like three. You’re lucky to get three. But I like working on both.

I have read you are also on a very popular Canadian show called Being Erica that plays in the states on SOAPnet.  Sorry I haven’t been able to catch it yet…

Oh you don’t watch SOAPnet (laughs)?

No, I don’t think I’m in their demographic.  How do you like working on that show? You got a big Canadian fan base?

(Laughs) Yeah it’s a great show. I love doing it and I’m excited to do another season. I play a completely different character than in The Killing. I hear ABC bought the idea, but are changing the main character to a guy. I don’t know what they are calling it. But it’s pretty popular up here.

Do you have any work on the horizon?

I’m really excited to be in a pilot  for NBC called 17th Precinct. It’s from Michael Rymer, who did Battlestar Galactica. It’s a cop show that takes place in a city where magic is used. It’s like CSI but with magic.

Wow. That sounds like a hit. It will probably be picked up. You’re going to be pretty busy.

I hope.

The Killing premieres Sunday, April 3 on AMC.

For more interviews and television reviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Franco Deleo.

Jane Eyre Review: A Sorrowful But Lovely Adaptation

I recently had the pleasure of viewing the new movie Jane Eyre which, I have to say, I’m glad that I did. The film is an adaptation of the well-known book of the same name written in 1847 by Charlotte Bronte and has been brought to film numerous times in the past. Being that I’m not extremely familiar with Bronte, nor is it the genre of movie I generally gravitate to, I normally would have passed this one up. Luckily, I did not.

It’s a hard thing to keep people’s interest in period piece films these days, unless they can bring a lot of action and silly humor into it (Pirates of the Caribbean, anyone?). Not to mention, book-to-film adaptations can just downright anger some people. So that being said, how did Jane Eyre make it work? I’d say a large part of it was the brilliant cast of actors. Mia Wasikowska, who has recently become popular for her role as Alice in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, plays the lead of the famous Jane. She could not have been more on the ball with this role. Jane was the well-mannered and quiet young girl that was expected of women in those times but was also educated and self-sufficient with such self-respect that she never was perceived as a helpless woman who couldn’t think for herself. I knew from just the opening scene alone that Wasikowska was going to nail it because even though the viewers did not yet know what was happening, you could instantly feel the despairing emotion that she exuded as she ran through the dreary wooded backdrop with tears streaming from her face.

In addition to the great cast, it was visually on key with the storyline. The scenery gave off a dark and foreboding atmosphere when Jane was going through harder times and a much lighter and rich one when things were looking more up. For me, the visual aspect of a movie is so important. It has so much to do with the ambiance of a story and in this case made me feel a stronger sentiment for the characters.

The movie played at a small indie film theater near my home that shows only a few movies during the month (four at a time to be exact) and for a Sunday afternoon was quite busy. As I had mentioned before, Jane Eyre was not a story I was well acquainted with, but most of the moviegoers in the theater with me clearly were. Before the lights dimmed and the movie began, I was getting an education from a whispering crowd on the story of Jane, her life, what they liked about the book and what they hoped would be included in the movie. These were smart and serious fans here to see an artistic take on a classic novel which was a nice change from the more mainstream audience you might encounter at your local multiplex-style theater. For a Bronte newbie like myself, I felt it was satisfying story although I’m sure book experts will be a bit more critical. However, if you know the story of Jane Eyre or not, the film was so well done that it might be a pleasant surprise for both fans and non-fans alike.

Images courtesy of Focus Features/IMDB

Law & Order SVU Conference Call: Elizabeth Mitchell and Neal Baer talk SVU’s Traumatic Episode

Law and Order: SVU, NBC’s hit crime procedural show, is known for three things. The first, of course, would have to be its award-winning cast, anchored by the partnering duo of Detectives Benson and Stabler (played by Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni, respectively). With gripping drama and stories ripped right out of the headlines, the hard work of the writing crew would have to take the number two spot easily. And what would round out this trifecta of awesomeness? Great guest performers every time. This week, Elizabeth Mitchell steps in to bring another dynamite role to our TVs in the upcoming episode titled “Totem,” an episode which is not to be missed. In a Q&A conference call with Mitchell and Executive Producer Neal Baer, the two talk Jeremy Irons, arrested development, and why an unforgettable performance makes this a very special episode.

On this week’s episode of SVU, Detectives Benson and Stabler look to solve the mystery of a young girl found murdered with a doll which they believe has been left as a totem. Teaming up with psychologist Captain Jackson (guest star Jeremy Irons), the detectives retrace the young girl’s last steps and there they find June Frye (played by Mitchell). When asked about her character on SVU, Mitchell describes a tortured and tragic figure. “I play a piano teacher,” Mitchell says, “who’s giving all appearance of being very good at her job and she’s accused of a really terrible crime involving one of her students. We go down a road and we see her story unfold and it’s horrific and it’s sad…

“The woman that I’m playing now is very much a victim,” Mitchell continues “[she] is still lost in the storm of that. She might look that she’s made her way out of that storm and as such you’re just talking about someone who is almost not fully formed as a person, and is seeking all kinds of things. It’s like an episode of arrested development. In June you’re dealing almost with a child.”

Normally an upbeat and happy person, Mitchell admits that even she had trouble shaking the heftiness of this “weighty” role. “I’m not someone who easily sheds things, but I have to…I felt that it was very sad, I felt that it was very toxic but I also felt intrigued by the idea of giving a victim somewhat of a voice because in many ways this woman is an incredible victim.” And Baer agrees with this assessment of Frye and of the heavy material that this episode consists of (although to be fair SVU rarely deals with “light” fare). As Baer describes, Frye’s torment was 11 years in the making.

“We’ve been holding this story, for ever since I started on the show 11 years ago, we just didn’t feel that we were able to tell it right… There are very few women who have ever been accused or actually have committed terrible crimes that are the focus of the story which is abusing and killing a child. We just felt that it had to be right for us to do it, so we talked about it off and on for 11 years. We just never felt we had the right combination until Jeremy came on to take the part of the psychiatrist and then we were able to do it. We wanted Elizabeth to play the part [of June] and I agree with what she said, this woman is very arrested in her development from what’s happened to her and what she’s done and it makes for one of the most compelling episodes we’ve ever done.”

And that’s not just lip service, Baer states that producers were “stunned” watching the performance and was recently celebrating it on his Twitter account. When asked what makes this episode stand out from the other notable episodes Bauer describes a heartbreaking portrait of a tragic victim turned villain, “there’s not a false moment in the performance,” Bauer says, ”I’ve seen the show over and over again because we go through editing and it’s a very nuanced performance. And because of the story matter, it’s so horrific; it’s so upsetting that you’ll watch this woman and you just want to reach out to her. You want to try to understand what she’s gone through because the crime is so terrible. I think all of things [what makes this episode great], it’s the honesty.”

You can catch Mitchell’s performance on Law & Order: SVU’s episode “Totem” which is set to air this Wednesday, March 30 at 10/9c on NBC.

For more television reviews and interviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Will Hart/NBC .

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