American Idol Review: A Diva’s Final Encore

Say it isn’t so! Just when the most promising set of singers in recent memory gets nailed down for American Idol’s better-than-expected tenth season, the juggernaut’s return to glory all but skids to a screeching halt this week, as the Top 13 delivered shockingly underwhelming performances in the first round of finals. Despite the presence of Interscope Records chairman Jimmy Iovine, making his debut as in-house Idol mentor, and his crew of “Grammy Award-winning” hotshot producers, our earnest Idols were forced to perform alongside bewildering song arrangements that all but drowned out some voices with unnecessary thumping bass lines and baffling disco beats, while others hardly seemed to receive any accompaniment at all. Fret not, Idols – Wednesday night’s confusing catastrophe wasn’t all your fault. Besides, that obscenely extravagant Beverly Hills mansion must take some of the edge off, right?

Seacrest is particularly high-strung and atwitter this week, greeting viewers with an open-armed “Welcome to the party!” that somehow reeks of both smug self-satisfaction and cloying desperation at the same time. How does he do it? The judges strut onstage, arm in arm, to pointedly signify their solidarity, but I suspect Tyler is miffed he isn’t given his own Seacrest-style Staircase of Splendor with which to make his grand entrance. J. Lo seems genuinely gracious and tactfully pleased with herself when it’s announced her new single is number one on iTunes. Randy, meanwhile, is wondering what the “M” stitched to the side of his sweater stands for. The name Randy, after all, does not begin with the letter M.

We learn this week’s “theme” is to allow the Idols to sing a song performed by their personal idol, which should, in theory, allow for a wide range of music spanning various genres throughout the decades. Somehow, however, things kick off with the world’s oldest Toddlers and Tiaras contestant, Lauren Alaina, and her spoon-fed explanation behind the decision to perform Shania Twain’s “Any Man of Mine.” Although Lauren’s reasoning that “Shania Twain is a country diva … hopefully someday I will be too” makes sense in terms of her vocal strength and the image Idol is clearly trying to carve for her, it becomes painfully obvious these song choices are not wholly derived from the contestants’ childhood dreams, as implied. Lauren’s efforts are perfectly competent and aurally pleasant enough in spite of the visual disaster of her unfortunate outfit, but she interprets the song with zero innovation and the result is capital-K Karaoke. “I just wish it had been a little bit more kick-ass,” Tyler laments, before enduring one of the longest awkward pauses in Idol history. The audience knows they agree, but just can’t admit it. Lauren apologizes with a calculated flutter of her eyelashes but can perhaps sense it’s time to stop phoning it in. J. Lo is more visibly frustrated, politely reminding Lauren it’s “time to compete” in spite of how easy this all appears to be for her. Randy furrows his brow and offers his typical monosyllabic, noncommittal grunts of agreement.

Seacrest teases that we’ve got Joe Cocker and Diana Ross coming up courtesy of Casey Abrams and Ashthon Jones. I wonder which Diana Ross song Casey will sing. After a hilarious pic of a grinning five-year-old Casey is emblazoned on the backdrop, he admits he first took notice of Joe Cocker’s version of The Beatles’ “With a Little Help From My Friends” when it was the Wonder Years theme song. Little tidbits like this certainly aid my fondness for Casey as a person, and I want to enjoy his singing just as much as I do his persona. However, while his performance is more vocally sound than his growl-heavy “I Put a Spell on You” from last week, he still sounds like he’s almost talking throughout the song. He has a discernible ear for pitch and tone, and I would like to hear him use this ability to string a melody together a bit more gracefully. That aside, the guy still puts on a wholly unique show that mirrors his instincts as a musician, and he knows how to properly fill the stage. The judges also enjoy Casey’s welcome diversion from the typical Idol-friendly power ballad. Tyler consults his thesaurus and tells Casey he admires his “plethora of passion” and calls him a “rainbow of talent.” J. Lo admits she grabbed Randy mid-performance and wondered, “What am I watching right now?!” She then answers her own question, exclaiming, “I am watching somebody important!” Randy inexplicably refers to this season as “American Idol … the remix!” (um, okay?) before offering perhaps the most poorly constructed sentence of all time. “You make listening to you sing fun,” he tells Casey, in an apparent remix of the English language.

Ashthon Jones does her best to convince us Diana Ross has been her lifelong idol, but we all know she probably hadn’t heard of her before last week when the judges compared her to the iconic diva. Regardless, it’s a smart strategy to pick a Diana Ross song for her first finals performance, but it would have been much smarter to pick a Diana Ross song people have actually heard before. “When You Tell Me That You Love Me,” really? Ashthon does indeed have the “confidence of a queen” onstage, along with plenty of winking sass, unwieldy hair and spontaneous shout-outs to the audience mid-song, but unfortunately the diva quality she’s lacking the most is a powerhouse voice. Her performance is flat, uninspiring and not helped in any way by the obscurity of the song. The judges can’t acknowledge their apparent mistake in offering Ashthon a wild card slot last week over more deserving contestants (Kendra Chantelle and Lauren Turner, for example) and try their best to pretend Ashton is a better singer than she really is. Offering all possible excuses in lieu of a flat-out refusal to criticize her, Randy commends Ashthon for using her vibrato to correct off-key notes (WHAT?), while J. Lo offers a timid suggestion to pick songs the audience can sing along with – that is, songs they have maybe heard once or twice. “There’s a lot more in there than you’re showing us,” Tyler says. Unfortunately for Ashthon, I believe the opposite is true — she may be giving us all she’s got.

I was terrified that Paul McDonald would reveal Rod Stewart as his idol and unleash either yet another rendition of “Maggie May,” but to my pleasant surprise he’s picked singer-songwriter Ryan (“with an ‘R’”) Adams instead and takes a risk performing the little-known song “Come Pick Me Up.” Paul seems sincere in his admiration for Adams, but the song’s understated structure weakly translates on the big stage and Paul overcompensates by McDonald-two-stepping all over the place. This kind of performance would be more successful coming from an already-established artist, but for someone trying to put themselves on the map, it’s a bit self-indulgent and will perhaps alienate viewers who expect their Idols to adhere more closely to the mainstream. J. Lo flat out admits she doesn’t “know Ryan Adams or this song” in spite of knowing “a lot of music,” and Paul sweetly tells her to get with the program. Heh. Tyler likes the “character” in Paul’s voice but advises him to pick a song with a stronger chorus that is closer to his vocal range. “Nail it next time,” Tyler says. Randy, unlike J. Lo, actually does know a lot of music and proves it with his incessant name-dropping week after week, but his mention of both Wilco and Adams’ old band Whiskeytown mark shrewd recommendations for Paul’s musical style. Too bad no one watching Idol knows who Wilco or Whiskeytown is.

Pia Toscano has her work cut out for her after last week’s powerhouse performance catapulted her to the forefront of the competition. She decides the best way to try and top herself is to attempt Celine Dion’s cover of 1970s weeper “All By Myself,” which does indeed showcase her impressive pipes, but offers little insight into Pia as a person. Her stage demeanor is a bit too polished and rehearsed, especially evident when Seacrest asks how all the contestants are getting along together in their new home. “We’re all just one big happy family!” Pia grins. Sure. Her voice is technically perfect throughout the song, but the rigidity with which she follows formula comes across as more cold and calculated than warm and inspiring. Randy’s right, however, when he commends her for nailing notes most singers can only dream of, while Tyler wishes her a “Happy International Women’s Day, by the way.” Thanks, um, you too?

James Durbin has apparently realized his makeshift tail isn’t going to catch on and wisely chucks both it and his characteristic vocal theatrics for a relatively subdued performance of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.” While I was impressed with how well he rocked Judas Priest last week, his effortless transition to a softer side proved he may really have what it takes to win this thing. His voice is controlled, confident and showy without overdoing it. “James Durbin is dangerous, America,” Randy heartily warns. “This man can sing!” Tyler decides to offer various nonsensical compliments such as, “If there was ever a review to be said about you, you just said it.” James responds with a Thanks? face before J. Lo breaks it down and praises the “melodic quality” of his voice. “You can really, actually sing,” she marvels. Good thing this is a singing competition.

Haley Reinhart talks about singing LeAnn Rimes’ song “Blue,” at the tender age of eight, and chooses to relive the moment on the Idol stage. Although she doesn’t cite Rimes herself as her actual idol, I believe both Haley’s connection to the song and her performance are light years ahead of the nauseating antics she offered last week. In spite of the occasional unwelcome growl, unintelligible phrase and sweeping hand gesture, Haley sings the song with more precision than she’s ever offered and actually stands still while doing so. Tyler is in stitches from the get go, and it’s clear this type of song is much more well suited for Haley than the R&B stylings she’s previously attempted. An excited Tyler exclaims that the “country western part of America” is “roaring” with approval, while J. Lo admires the “special things” Haley does with her voice that are “so diverse.” That’s an awfully diplomatic way of putting it. Randy, however, chuckles before sliding into his devil’s advocate role and informing Haley he found her performance “sleepy,” “boring” and reminiscent of a luau. Haley offers a subsequent hula dance to apparently show she can’t help but agree.

When Seacrest sadistically forces poor Jacob Lusk to relive his pre-Idol days as a spa concierge prior to his performance, I mentally chide our diminutive host for such shameless shenanigans. However, Jacob then reveals his personal idol is R. Kelly, for crying out loud, and I realize Seacrest may not be the sadistic one after all. Besides the fact there’s only one well-known R. Kelly song Jacob could possibly be singing and it’s perhaps the most aurally offensive piece of music ever written, there’s also the strangely unacknowledged legend of R. Kelly’s status as a known sex offender who has been videotaped peeing on underage girls. Despite everyone under the sun knowing this, people in the music industry are still able to turn a blind eye and Jacob is no exception. At this point, my palm has permanently fixated itself to my forehead as I prepare for the onslaught. I push thoughts of R. Kelly’s urinary preferences aside and try to evaluate Jacob’s performance as objectively as possible. “I Believe I Can Fly” is a song that practically screams for a gospel choir, but I’m surprised when Jacob actually gets one, considering the early stages of the competition. How’s he going to top himself week after week if he already trotted out the gospel choir and R. Kelly the first week of the finals? Despite his palpable effort, Jacob seems a bit shrill and is having a hard time containing his unbridled enthusiasm. One vocal run is seemingly endless and continues to the point of awkward discomfort on the audience’s behalf, like a Family Guy sketch. However, in spite of all the strikes against him this week, I find Jacob impossible not to like and the judges are still completely enamored with him. “Pure passion, pure music, I can’t even judge it,” says Tyler. Randy acknowledges a “rough transition to the B verse,” but admits he’s still “excited every time [Jacob] hits the stage.” I’m just excited this season’s obligatory performance of this song is already behind us.

Thia Megia took a page from Ashthon’s playbook and strategically decided to choose her idol based on the judges’ comments from last week. Randy had said Thia’s vocal tone reminded him of the “late, great Michael Jackson” and her stunned expression silently illustrated exactly how deeply she’d considered that notion before. Naturally, Thia tells us this week Michael Jackson has been her childhood idol all along and she’ll be singing his version of the Charlie Chaplin song “Smile” to show her appreciation. Of course, Thia accidentally reveals just how meaningful this song really is to her when she refers to Chaplin as Charlie CHAPMAN, and this time both palms adhere to my forehead with the strength of an industrial magnet. Thia’s singing tone is indeed lovely, but her dead-eyed expression and complete lack of emotional range make her seem as though she’s a brilliantly executed computer program of some sort. Meet Thia Megia, the Small Wonder of Idol season 10. The middle of the song suddenly lurches into a bizarre, beat-driven jazz interlude that short-circuits Small Wonder’s perfect pitch and results in a couple of unprecedented bum notes. The judges take note, as all three of them express delicate disapproval of the weird arrangement and use it to excuse Thia’s brief malfunction.

Well, it wouldn’t be an episode of American Idol without a Stevie Wonder song, and this week it’s Stefano’s turn. He’s at least singing “Lately,” one of Wonder’s most well known ditties, instead of following tonight’s strange trend of finding the most obscure song possible to apparently try and alienate the voting public. Although Stefano’s apple-cheeked charm surely helped him snag a wild card slot from the judges, even his earnest and admirable vocal effort this week couldn’t save the performance from another unwelcome backbeat added to the arrangement. This one feels more disco-friendly, and J. Lo tries to get her groove on, but the dichotomy between the thumping bass and sweeping melody is too jarring to make the performance successful. Randy flat-out lies and says Wonder “would be proud” of Stefano’s rendition, while Tyler curiously says the song “built from beginning to end.” For the first time this season, I try to imagine Simon Cowell’s reaction to these performances, and I figure he’d be too busy poking his pen in his eye to bother with such flighty pseudo-criticism.

Karen Rodriguez is the only contestant so far tonight to offer visual proof that she’s been a fan of her stated idol since childhood. Video footage of a wee Karen singing a Selena song is aired with unadulterated glee, as is a present-day Karen showing off her collection of limited-edition Selena dolls. Okay, sweetie, I believe you. Karen says her version of “I Could Fall in Love” has a “bit more edge” and a “Beyonce spin” to it, courtesy of Jimmy Iovine’s producing team. Yeah, they’ve just done wonders so far. I hadn’t realized this is apparently a difficult song to sing, at least for Karen, but Jimmy is shown advising Karen not to talk at all the night before the performance. “Don’t even e-mail,” he half-jokes. Karen is bedazzled from head to toe and even added a J. Lo-worthy set of hair extensions for the occasion, but she didn’t need to resort to such diversion tactics. She could have stepped out there buck-naked and the utter lifelessness of her performance would still have failed to raise an eyebrow. She loses me within the first measure, and I fail to hear nary a hint of “edge” or “spin” throughout the duration of the song. As per usual, the judges still can’t bring themselves to tell someone they sucked. “You look so beautiful tonight,” J. Lo begins through clenched teeth, before given Karen the lamest runaround critique in Idol history: “You were having trouble with the lower notes … and some of the higher ones too.” Aye carumba.

North Carolina’s own Nuts of Wonder is next, wisely citing Garth Brooks as an influential figure in his country music repertoire. “The River” is a song older than Scotty himself (I’m not kidding – look it up), but this kid understands his specialty better than perhaps any other contestant on Idol this season. Scotty’s vocal prowess precedes his naïveté on stage, however, so listening to him and watching him provide two very different experiences. While he has the gumption to twang his heart out and reach his arms to the sky during the song’s most poignant peak, he still appears like an awkward kid. Again, the curious arrangement mars the song’s integrity; although sticking to a more traditional version for “The River,” the instrumentation strangely numbs the vocals and the song’s entire sound is lumped together, creating a dull thud of sorts. The crowd couldn’t care less, though, as Scotty’s apparently gigantic fan base garner him the loudest set of cheers heard yet. Randy contradicts his mantra about the Idols needing to alter their song choices to provide a fresh outlook on an already successful formula, and instead tells Scotty, “If it ain’t broke, don’t even CONSIDER fixing it! … Don’t change it! Don’t change it!” Luckily for Randy, Scotty is so set in his niche I don’t think he could change if he tried.

One person, however, altered her persona so drastically this week I barely recognized her. Naima Adedapo eschewed her modernized Ella Fitzgerald vibe in favor of more traditional, contemporary R&B-flavored pop and decided to sing Rihanna’s massive hit from 2007, “Umbrella.” I’m surprised to hear such a mainstream choice from the Milwaukee chanteuse, who boldly sang Donny Hathaway’s “For All We Know” during both her initial audition and her wild card round last week. The performance begins like an exact replica of the original version, until Naima interjects with an original reggae-flavored rap and the most evolved dance moves the Idol stage has perhaps ever seen. A superfluous addition of thunder and lightning effects is pure overkill, but Naima clearly worked hard to make this performance her own and separate herself from the image she’d been attached with until now. As for her voice, the dancing renders her noticeably out of breath, and she’s unable to hold notes as long as she needs to, but the judges give her a freebie for this week. J. Lo says she flat-out doesn’t care about the pitch problems, because Naima is the first contestant to really step outside her box and attempt a performance like “a real star,” which in J. Lo’s world means dancing and singing at the same time, apparently on the floor. Tyler warns Naima a bit more sternly about her vocal control, but praises her attempt to bring “flavor no one else has” so far this season. I’m initially so caught off guard by the radical genre change from Naima that I feel like I’ve just watched her perform for the first time.

Thursday’s results show is mercifully cut to a mere hour of extended hyperbole instead of the torturous two from last week, and this time we also get to gaze at the fabulosity of the one and only Glambert as a bonus. Seacrest gives us the alarming news that Casey is in the hospital – again – and tries to sweep this information under the rug as efficiently as possible, but Casey’s noticeable absence from the Idols’ first Ford commercial of the season, in addition to the results show, does not bode well for our favorite scatman. A tour of the Idols’ mansion gives me a sneak peek into a walk-in closet I’m certain is bigger than my entire apartment, and I then get another hearty laugh out of watching Amanda Seyfried promote her embarrassing new movie, Red Riding Hood, with a straight face. She must be a good actress. The contestants showcase their next contracted parade of shamelessness and unleash the season’s first group performance, orchestrated to a medley of Michael Jackson hits. Interestingly, Nuts Of Wonder’s voice is nowhere to be heard. Hm. Seacrest finally gets to the nitty gritty and engages his rather tired antics of faking out each contestant into thinking they either are or aren’t in the bottom three. After Glambert sings an unplugged version of his anti-bullying song “Aftermath” that will proceed the Trevor Project, Diddy Dirty Money succeeds in making my eyes glaze over even faster than Small Wonder Megia can. The only redeeming quality of Diddy’s performance of “Coming Home” is the piano and vocal accompaniment of Skylar Grey, whom no one even bothers to introduce. Just as I remember that J. Lo and Diddy have quite a scandalous history together (how quickly we forget!), he’s whisked off the stage to finally enable Seacrest to send one of the Idols back to obscurity. The bottom three are an unsurprising group: Karen, Haley and Ashthon all have equal chances of being sent home, in my opinion, but I suspect Ashthon’s entitled attitude hasn’t exactly won her a devoted fanbase. Indeed, the judges’ first wild card pick last week proves completely wasted, as Ashthon Jones is announced as the lowest vote-getter. She knows they aren’t going to use their save on her, and they don’t, but she manages to wail through the same Diana Ross song no one voted for in the first place with admirable composure, considering. One down, eleven to go!

Do you think Ashthon deserved to go home first, or are you miffed her wild card slot wasn’t given to someone with a better chance to win the competition? What was going through J. Lo’s mind while Diddy performed? What was she hiding in her massive sleeve? What the hell is wrong with Casey? Share your Idolisms below!

Need more Idol? Read “The First Idol Has Fallen” by Kelley Lynn.

Season 10, Episodes 16 – 17: Finalist Compete and One Voted Off (originally aired March 9 – 10, 2011)

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Don’t miss American Idol Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.

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