American Idol Review: Peaches, Your Votes, and a Wild-Card Competition Give Idol a Powerhouse Top 13

Well kids – we have made it past the audition rounds, past the overdramatic Hollywood Week, and onto the best part of this show: the unexpected and brimming talent, live performances, and America’s voting to keep their favorites in the competition. We have made it to that place in the show where my arch-enemy Ryan Seacrest finds every possible way to hog camera time; where he makes a “nothing” moment into a dramatic scene, or a throw-away comment by one of the judges into a pointless controversy. Most importantly, week after week, Seacrest will tell you over and over … he will remind you … with his obvious, “DUH!”catchphrase … that “THIS ……. is American Idol!!!” (cue the insanely addicting theme music).

As we begin the 3-episode week of voting and results, Seacrest introduces the judges and the top 12 male contestants as he walks dramatically toward the camera, looking as if he might eat it. It was at this point that I noticed something was missing – THE STAIRCASE! Where is the staircase that Seacrest always walks down at the start of the show? You know, the staircase that I am always praying he will trip and fall down? That one? Why is it gone??? WHYYY??? The only plausible explanation is that Seacrest is onto me. He must know that I really want him to fall down the stairs and smear his bottle-tanned orange arms and caked-on foundation face all over each step. He must have called a meeting, demanding that the staircase be taken away, and that he only walk on flat surface from now on. DAMN YOU SEACREST!!!

The week was broken up into 3 nights. On Tuesday night, the top 12 men sang any song of their choice. Wednesday night, the top 12 women did the same; and Thursday night, America’s votes are revealed for the first time, leaving us with a Top 10 by the end of the week. (The top 5 men and women will go through, plus 3 Wild Card picks from the judges.)

So, let’s Baby Lock Them Doors and break this Baby Down ….

Top 12 Male Performances:

1. Harry Potter Glasses (Clint Jun Gamboa) was up first, singing Stevie Wonder’s “Superstitious.”  He was over the top, as usual, and I was really hoping that his stupid glasses would randomly attack his face. His cocky persona bothers me a lot, and it doesn’t help that the sound of his voice just seems very showoff-ey (I know that’s not a real word – Shut up!) to me. Personally, I did not like it. But the judges ate it up with a spoon of kiss-ass.

2. Contestant “Who?” – otherwise known as Jovany Barreto – was up next singing some boy band song that 900 other past contestants have also sung and sounded exactly the same as him doing it. Pleasant enough voice I suppose, but I literally forgot about him before I saw him, while watching him, and after he was done. Wait – who is he again?

3.  Jordan Dorsey came out warbling an Usher song that sort of went something like this: “Baby yeah yeah baby sexy baby booty thing baby yeah ohhhbaby girl booty yeah yeah sexy ….yeah baby!” Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but it was really weird and felt unnatural. When all the judges told him that the Usher song didn’t show off his vocals and really wasn’t showing off who he was as an artist, he kept agreeing with them, saying: “Yeah it wasn’t me at all. Wasn’t my thing. Right. Didn’t do me justice. Not my thing. Nope. Not me.” Then why the hell did you pick it??? Unless I’m missing something here, this is the week where contestants choose whatever song they want, right? Well, so far, these people really stink at choosing something that will show WHY WE SHOULD VOTE FOR THEM. Just as I am starting to lose all hope for humanity and song-choosing ability, out comes our next contestant …

4. Tim Halperin: This dude always reminds me of Jim Halpert from The Office, cuz their names sound the same. Jim … Tim. Halpert … Halperin. And he even sort of, kind of, looks like him – if you were standing 10,000 feet away and were blind in one eye. Other than that, I got nothin’ on this guy. He is there. He exists, but he doesn’t do much for me. During Hollywood Week, he played piano a lot, and I do like him much better behind the piano where he seems to have more soul. He looks awkward standing up and singing, like it’s his first day standing up - and as Steven Tyler accurately pointed out, the song he chose to sing didn’t do him “any justice.” Right on.

5. Brett Loewenstern: Epic fail song choice of the night, in my opinion. For a guy who has this great quirky yet beautiful voice and power, why on earth would you choose The Doors’ “Light My Fire“ for your first song ever on the show? It wasn’t in his range at all, he made bizarre facial expressions the entire time while singing it, and he shook his orange hair around and around in an awkward manner.  He looked like a tangerine on fire. The whole thing was quite confusing. The judges seemed to like it, which completely baffled me. I really like Brett – did not like this performance.

6. James Durbin: Finally!!! Someone who can pick a good song for themselves! My God, I was starting to get really worried here. This Judas Priest song, “You Got Another Thing Coming“,was perfect for Durbin. It sat right in his incredible range, showed off the variety in his voice, and allowed him to act up there. Judges loved it, and Tyler screamed and cursed with delight because he was so excited. First great performance of the night.

7. Pubic-Hair Head (Robbie Rosen) chose that Sarah Mclachlan song that you hear during those sad animal abuse ads. Let me tell you – when Sarah sings it, I want to run out and adopt puppies. When Robbie sang it, I just wanted to run. It was all over the damn place. There were notes on the floor, on the ceiling, in his teeth, and stuck inside of his S.O.S soap pad hairdo. The whole thing felt very unfocused and just didn’t feel like a good melody. This kid has a fantastic sounding voice, but I just can’t seem to become a fan. And what I am about to say next makes absolutely no sense, so please know that I realize that, and I know how ridiculous it sounds: Whenever I see Robbie Rosen perform, I immediately think of baby powder and baby diapers. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. He reminds me of baby powder. I feel like he would smell of freshly powdered baby bottom. Okay – I will stop now. I realize I am slightly insane.

8. “Baby Lock Them Doors” McCreery: Good ole Scotty sang another good ole country classic, and sat on a good ole stool and winked at his Momma just as expected. His dreamy country voice dipped down low, then went a bit higher, then dipped down again. The cowboy-hat wearin’ females in the crowd swooned with delight. “Letters From Home” was definitely the perfect choice for this crooner, and I am quite sure he will continue to be a favorite and sail through week after week on the show. Meanwhile, my husband and I will continue to suffer as we listen to his voice. (It literally makes me want to scratch out my eyeballs with a fork.) We realize we are alone.

9. Stefano Langone: This guy was an early favorite of mine, and I still love him, but I did not love this song choice for him. It sounded like an over-the-top anthem – and it was way too high out of his range. Can these people NOT choose their own songs? It shouldn’t be this difficult. I don’t know. When someone tells you to choose a song that will make people want to keep you in this race, and you choose something as bland as half these songs, it makes you wonder what they are thinking. The judges loved his performance. I didn’t get it.

10. Paul McDonald: While singing Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May”, Paul seemed like he was channeling Rod himself. Half of me thought it was a good song choice, and the other half thought he was doing an imitation because he sounded a lot like Rod Stewart. Also, he looked like he had to pee the entire time he was up there with his spastic movements, or, as Steven Tyler called it, the “McDonald 2-step.” Despite all this, I really like this dude’s quirky style and vocal edge. He is very, very different and I hope he makes it through.

11. Jacob Lusk: When Randy Jackson tells you that your audition performance of “God Bless The Child” was the best performance in the history of American Idol, you better bring your A-game in Week One of America’s votes. Jacob did. Singing Luther Vandross’ “House Is Not a Home”, Jacob transformed himself and the audience (or at least me) into another time and space with his spirit and out of this world vocals. I am not even all that religious, but when asked where his talent comes from, Lusk always says “divine intervention” – or he points up to God. With a voice like that, it really has to be a Gift. Jennifer Lopez put it perfectly after his performance when she said: “Luther Vandross was my favorite singer of all time. All time. And he’s gone – but now we have you. And that’s what I love about this show.” Amen to that J.Lo!

12. Seth Rogan (Casey Abrams) also sent me to another time and place in a completely different way with his brilliant, raw, jazzy, gritty, showstopping performance of “I Put A Spell On You”.I actually watched him twice on my DVR because I couldn’t stop smiling during his kick-ass performance. And it was a PERFORMANCE. This guy puts everything into it, acting out the part and feeling each and every note and WORD of the song he is singing. I absolutely love him, and I am already fantasizing about a finale with the two male powerhouses of Jacob Luskand Casey Abrams. Yes, I know. I am getting WAY ahead of myself.

My Top 5 Picks: Jacob Lusk, Casey Abrams, James Durbin, Paul McDonald, Scotty McCreery. (He isn’t my personal pick, but I KNOW he will go through, so I might as well get used to seeing him around …and turn the lights down looooww….)

TOP 12 Female Performances:

Night two began with Seacrestentering once again through a giant sliding-door (still no staircase), and introducing us to the Top 12 women, telling them that they must “fight for your affections.” You, of course, being the voting audience. Oh how I WISH we could vote Seacrest off the show.  After this, the judges appeared out of the same door, prancing across the stage like the gang from the “Beat It” video. Finally, the 12 women were lined up on the stage like something out of a bad beauty pageant. They certainly didn’t waste any time glossying the hell out of these girls, did they? The hair was teased, the makeup was clownish and heavy, and the dresses and get-ups were straight out of Erica Kane’s walk-in closet. I was in dramatic anticipation awaiting the upcoming bathing suit competition. Until then though, let’s break down the performances given by the ladies …

1. Ta-Tynisa Wilson: (it is important to put the dash between Ta and Ty; otherwise it sounds like “tata”; as in “boobs.” Okay, it still sounds like boobs, but now there’s a dash.) Tata sang a song by Rihanna that had the stupidest lyrics I have ever heard in my entire life,  ”hold me like a pillow” being one of them. The music overpowered her voice, which is probably a good thing because once again, she was off-pitch and didn’t sound all that great. I am still confused as to why this chick got through in the first place, and I wasn’t at all impressed with this performance. Randy “I take all the sweaters that Bill Cosby throws away” Jackson agreed with me. NEXT!!!

2. Naima Adedapo: She wore a bright yellow dress that she designed herself. She strutted. She sang with gorgeous tone and beautiful rhythm. She performed. She inspired. And most of all, she brought NAIMA to every single note of the song, “Summertime”.  Steven Tyler had the best quote to describe her: “It’s a new, old-timey thing, but it could be new again.” Yes!!! You make no sense Steven, but I understand you. Put this woman in the Top 12 already!

3. Kendra Chantelle: Okay first of all, can we discuss how much Steven Tyler wants to bang this chick? Whoever the cameraman is, I want to shake his hand for panning to Tyler at the exact second that he was LEERING at Chantelle’s leather pants and long legs and practically drooling on himself. Hilarious. As for her singing; it wasn’t as good as her legs are; but it was good. I will use the word like … but not love.

4. Rachel Zevita: I didn’t understand this performance at all. I felt like she was a little girl pretending to be something she isn’t, like she was playing in her dollhouse and decided to dress up as a sexy vixen and tramp around the stage and be all Broadway and stuff. It wasn’t her, and it wasn’t real. As for her voice, it sounds weak to me. Not enough strength. At least not here, with this Fiona Apple song. Not good.

5. Karen Rodriguez: Every time I see this girl, I think “she should be a newscaster” for some local bilingual channel. I just picture her talking into a camera about local, midly important, feel-good stories. She just has that look. Either that, or she could host beauty pageants and charity functions. Karen sang Mariah Carey’s “Hero”. Technically, it was a great performance. Lovely even. The notes were all there, the voice is there, and she even sang parts of the song in Spanish, which was cool (although I have to say – the second she started the Spanish verse, I kept expecting one of those people performing in sign language to appear in a little circle of the TV screen) I just don’t feel any heart or soul with her. Jennifer “I look sexy in a trashbag” Lopez said she got goosebumps. I did not. Talented, but bland.

6. Lauren Turner: I will admit this girl was not on my radar at all until now. I just didn’t really notice her much. Her song choice was perfect for her voice, “Seven Day Fool”, and she does possess a bit of Bette Midler mixed with Amy Winehouse, like Randy said. I just need to sort of force myself to give a crap about her as a person somehow, because she is actually very good.

7. Ashthon Jones: Oh Ashthon … why did you pick this dumb Monica song that did nothing at all for you? I really wish she had chosen any other song but this one. Hated this song choice. Not only did it NOT showcase her vocal  talent, but the lyrics were strange as well. “I’ve stepped so deep in it now …” In what? Dog poop? Nope. Turns out its LOVE! “I got love all over me … and I don’t wanna get it off!” Yuck. Please get it off of my TV forever.

8. Julie Zorilla: Right after Zorilla’s very first audition, Jennifer “no-one cares about my husband’s existance” Lopez questioned the other judges whether or not they had just witnessed THE “winner.” Silly, silly Jen! Julie Zorilla is not the winner. Charlie Sheen is. He is winning. Everyone knows that. Besides, this mediocre at best performance of Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” was hopefully enough to put all this winner talk to rest. You would think that after all these seasons of the show, and all the MANY times past contestants have tried to sing Kelly Clarkson songs and FAILED at it because Clarkson is A. the original Idol and B. sings her songs better than any of these contestants – that they would STOP SINGING KELLY CLARKSON SONGS! But no. They keep doing it. And Randy “I’m stuck in 1987″ Jackson was right on when he said: “you sang it not nearly as good as Kelly.” Score one for the Dawg, yo.

9. Haley Reinhart: It was like a seizure inside of a song – in a good way. I was surprised at how much I liked her performance. Very raw, husky, growling voice, and I liked the spin she put on the tune to make it hers. Randy did not like the Alicia Keys song choice - but J. Lo and Tyler disagreed, which prompted Tyler’s best Quote of the Night, to Randy: “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” The dude is nuts, and I love him.

10. Thia Megia was up next and dazzled the crowd with her understated, partially acapella version of the hauntingly gorgeous song “Out Here On My Own“.While I still find her to be a bit overrated and a tad inconsistent, I did very much enjoy this performance. And for a girl that is only 15 years old, she has a lot of potential. I am still not in love though.

11. Lauren Alaina: While I am still not as crazy nutso over ANY of the female singers as I am the male ones, Lauren Alaina is becoming one of my favorites. I just dig the way she sounds, and she seems to have that IT quality that everyone talks about. Plus, she really made me a fan when, after her song, she announced to the entire TV audience of millions her nickname for Ryan Seacrest: PEACHES! Yup. Peaches. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard, and so perfect for Seacrest. Peaches seemed a little bit shocked when Lauren made everyone aware of her little nickname for him (they are both from Georgia), which made me love it even more. As for Lauren, she rocked it out with her version of Reba McEntire’s”Turn On the Radio”. I think it was a GOOD song choice, but not the best. As all three judges said, they know there is much more inside her that she hasn’t let out yet. I hope she makes it through to show us.

12. Pia Toscano: The other day I said of Pia: “lovely girl with a lovely voice.” I still feel that way about her, even after the judges gave their first standing ovation of the week (frankly – I feel that Casey Abrams and Jacob Lusk deserved a standing ovation , if anyone) for her performance of The Pretenders “I’ll Stand By You.” I don’t know. Maybe I am missing something here. You tell me. I don’t really get it. I mean, I thought she was terrific, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t think it was off the charts, oh my god, call the kids, holy Sh*t, standing ovation kind of terrific. But American Idol decides when they want something to be a “moment” on the show, and for them, that was a moment. She has a wonderful voice. Beautiful. I just haven’t yet been moved by her voice the way I am with a few of the men on the show. However, this is what makes the show great I believe. Because at this point – America really does decide who they like and who they want. And that decision is often very surprising, and sometimes very annoying. 

My Top 5 Picks: (still not nuts about the women, but based on these performances, I would go with ….) Lauren Alaina, Naima Adedapo, Lauren Turner, Pia Toscano, and Haley Reinhart, with Thia Megia close behind.

Results Show:

In typical Idol fashion, the results show featured lots of cute contestant clips, drama, a premiere of J.Lo’s new music video .. and … hidden somewhere in there along the way … the actual results.

It went down like this: America voted in the top 5 men and top 5 women, making up your Top 10, which Seacrest slowly revealed throughout the show. Then, the judges chose 6 of the remaining contestants contestants theyfelt deserved another chance “sing for their lives” in something called a “Wild Card Competition,”which happened live and on the spot. Contestants could choose ANY song th wanted to from any past audition – and then each judge chose one person to make it in, ending up with a Top 13. I have to say the Wild Card Competition was really fun to watch, and every single contestant who performed did a FANTASTIC job! (The six they chose to sing again were Ashthon Jones, Stefano Langone, Kendra Chantelle, Jovany Barreto, Naima Adedapo, and Robbie Rosen.) I felt really badly for the judges having to make the decision, but in the end, America AND the judges made the right choice. This is probably my favorite group of 13 people of any season. All of my favorites made it, but not only that, every single person in this list has a lot of talent. Now it’s just a matter of taste. So, as Seacrest says when revealing the results: “Dim the lights. Here we go…….”

American Idol Top 10:

1. Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McCreery
2. Lauren Alaina
3. Pia Toscano
4. Karen Rodriguez
5. Jacob Lusk
6. Casey “Seth Green” Abrams
7. Thia Megia
8. Paul McDonald
9. Haley Reinhart
10. James Durbin

and the 3 Wild Card Picks:

1. Ashthon Jones
2. Stefano Langone
3. Naima Adedapo

And the best part of all??? Stupid Harry Potter glasses not only DIDN’T get voted into the Top 10, but the judges also completely ignored him and didn’t choose him for the Wild Card Competition. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s karma for kicking out Doughboy Jacee back in Hollywood Week! YES!

I am very happy with this Top 13. Yes, Baby Lock Them Doors McCreery’s voice makes me want to poke forks in my eyeballs repeatedly, BUT I do realize he is very talented and that obviously a LOT of people love that style of vocal. I am just not one of them. In any case, this is a very talented Top 13, and for the first time this season so far, to me, American Idol feels new and alive again. I am not ashamed to admit it – when it is at it’s best, I love this show.

Share your Idol thoughts here!!!

Need more Idol? Read “The Lucky 13” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 13-15: Semifinalist Perform 1 & 2 and First Results Show and Finalists Announced (originally aired March 1, 2, & 3, 2011)

Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX

Images courtesy of imdbpro.

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