American Idol Review: Tonight’s Theme? Awful Pitch

This week, the show opened with all three judges and Seacrest standing in a lineup and giving us information (or, demanding in a condescending tone) on how to donate money to the earthquake/tsunami victims in Japan. You see, if you download any song performed in tonight’s episode, a portion of the proceeds will go to help victims of the tragedy. (The rest goes to support Seacrest’s body glitter and orange foundation.) And that’s great. Really. It is. I just hate it when celebrity millionaires stand up there and tell ME that I should donate to something. I already DID donate. I gave my $25, since that is all I can afford. What I want to know is this: how much did YOU give Tyler? Jackson? J.Lo? Seacrest?  And maybe you did give something, out of your own wallets and bank accounts. But I want proof. I want numbers.

Anyway, after that.we get back to normal with Seacrest’s obnoxious and obvious “THIISSSSSS ……. is American Idol!”announcement. Now let’s meet our judges: Steven “WTF am I wearing tonight?” Tyler, Jennifer “I look like I’m in a bad Whitesnake video with this outfit and crazy hair” Lopez, and Randy “I name drop people in entertainment every two minutes so that you all remember that I AM somebody!” Jackson. Then, as Seacrest makes his way down the giant staircase of doom, he tell us this weeks theme: Bad Pitch. No? That wasn’t the theme? Oh. I must have been mistaken then. I guess half of the Top 12 wasn’t TRYING to be off-pitch then. Oops. My bad.

Okay, the real theme was “Songs from the Year You Were Born.” This allowed us to get a cute look into each contestant’s childhood, their parents or family talking, and some adorable old pictures and video of them singing when they were 4. (In some cases, they haven’t improved much since then.) Let’s begin:

1. Naima Adedapo:

Year was 1984. Song choice: “What’s Love Got to do With It”. I love Naima, but Tina Turner she ain’t. Loved the strange and always eclectic look. Loved the attitude and general aura surrounding her. The awful pitch issues? Not so much. The weird arrangement? Not loving it. Randy called it “pitchy” – because he loves to use that word. And because it was pitchy.

2. Guy Smiley (Paul McDonald):

The year was 1984. The Song choice: “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” by Elton John. This was a pretty good choice for his very unusual but addicting voice. He is definitely someone that you either love or hate – and I gotta say – after watching his weirdness and his bizarre “Mcdonald dance” moves like he is about to fall off the stage – I like the guy. I’m onboard. If anything, the song was somewhat repetitive, but Tyler’s “Huh?” comment about Paul somehow made perfect sense: “You’re a cool dude in a loose mood.” Yes. That is what Paul is. I dig it.

3. Thia Meh -zzzzzzz-ia: (Thia Megia)

The Year is 1995. The song is “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams. This performance was ….. zzzzzzz … zzzzzzzz…. WHA? Wha happened? Did I fall asleep again during Thia’s performance? Dammit, why do I keep doing that? It can’t be the beige dress, or the drippy, sappy, boring melodies. Nope, can’t be that. Could it be, that, she too, was off-pitch? Nah. I would say more about this performance, but I was busy hitting myself in the face with a hammer so I didn’t have to watch it anymore.

4. James Durbin:

The Year was 1989. Song choice: Bon Jovi’s “I’ll Be There for You”. Okay, so I am beginning to think they purposely keep putting this guy smack in the middle to keep us all awake during these shows, because usually when it is his turn, it ends up being the first really good performance of the night. Once again, Durbin attacked this song with his great, strong vocals and his freestyle self. He always looks so happy to just be there, and he is a joy to listen to and watch for me. The arrangement seemed very rushed and strange, but James did well. He even challenged Steven Tyler to perform with him “in the finale” if he makes it that far, and Tyler said yes. Now that would be kind of cool.

5. Haley Reinfart:

Yeah, I’ve started calling her Haley Reinfart because she’s annoying, and fart rhymes with hart, and I can’t think of anything else that’s funnier. I am quite mature. The year of Reinfart’s birth was 1990, and her song choice was: “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston. All I can really say about this performance is WTF was THAT? Seriously, what was that? What on earth was she even doing? It certainly wasn’t singing. To say she had pitch issues is putting it mildly, because the sounds coming out of her mouth didn’t even sound human to me. She sounded like she was singing from the inside of a balloon, and then she kept using this horrible baby voice thing; combined with this other horrible “trying to be sexy” thing. The worst part was when she meandered her way down to the judges table, sang to them, TRIPPED, acted like nothing happened, kept walking and looking like she was drunk, and growling at people in the most bizarre way imaginable. Then, it got even worse. When the judges were talking to her afterwards, she somehow had gotten bright red lipstick all over her teeth and on her CHIN! Who gets lipstick on their chin from singing? Then, Seacrest being Seacrest; he comes over and dabs the lipstick from her chin and teeth as she is talking on live TV. The whole thing was QUITE disturbing and really really awkward. Blech.

Stefano Langone:

The Year was 1989. The song choice: Simply Red’s “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” ….. you will never ever ever know me. NO YOU WON’T! Okay Mr. Red … stop screaming at me. I hate this song. Loathe it. Can’t stand it. That being said, Langone did a nice job with it. He has some pipes,  some great phrasing, and some nice talent. Lopez told him that with performances like that, he could be the dark horse. She then instructed him to, in the future, “look into my eyes, connect in my eyes.” Yeah. She clearly has the hots for this kid, and has forgotten all about her pointless husband. What’s his name again? Exactly.

7. Pia Toscano:

The Year was 1988. The song choice: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston. Let us first discuss her outfit. It was white, and very odd. She looked like an astronaut with a huge camel toe. Her vocals, were, once again, on point. The arrangement made about as much sense as Randy Jackson’s judging rants. It was sort of a club/house/electric/gay-bar/remix version of the tune. It did not work. But that isn’t Pia’s fault. Her voice was beautiful, as per normal.

8. Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreery:

Year was 1993. Song choice: “Can I Trust You With my ….” oh for the Love of God, who cares? It was yet another country song by yet another country person with a country-soundin’ name (Travis Tritt. See?) Again,  he came out in his stupid brown jacket, sat on a stool, and sang in the low-voice. At the very end, he threw in a couple notes that were a bit LESS low-voiced. Ooooohhh!!!! Big deal. It sounded like a karaoke performance at a bar that I would never in a million years hang out in. Nothing amazing, nothing awful. I understand that if I don’t love country, I won’t like him. BUT – why does he get away with doing karaoke style performances that just sound like other country artist voices? Even if you like his vocals, he doesn’t do anything you can’t already hear on a Randy Travis record. The audience, once again, went bananas for this kid. As did the judges. Then Randy went off on some name-dropping binge that lasted half of the show: “I made a record with Travis years ago … ” Okay Randy. We get it. You are the MAN! You know everyone and have worked with everyone. You are important. We understand.

9. Karen Rodriguez:

The Year was 1989. The song: Taylor Dayne’s “Love Will Lead You Back.” Well, at least she didn’t look like a newscaster this week. Nope. She looked like a martian. A martian from outer-space. I really thought she was going to break out into a B-52′s song with that outfit, which might have been cool. But why on EARTH she was wearing that, and with that ridiculous hairstyle is beyond me. And beyond earthlings. She sang the song pretty well, with some pitch issues once again. But the weird hair and outfit were so ridiculous that I could barely focus on anything else. I hope she isn’t planning an attack on our planet or anything sinister like that. Maybe that is why she keeps singing in Spanish, so she can send signals back to her planet. Karen – if you’re listening – please – take Seacrest.

10. Casey Abrams:

The Year was 1991. The song choice: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. So, apparently, this was the first Nirvana song ever performed on the show. Hopefully it is also the last. Those of you reading these reviews know that I am a big Casey Abrams fan – BUT – this performance did not work for me on any level. I was actually sort of frightened of him when he was performing. It was like Seth Rogan and Animal from The Muppets had a child; and that child got a guitar and went insane. The faces he was making – and the utter screaming of the song – there was just zero nuance to the performance. I really wanted to like it. I just didn’t. The judges were mixed. Tyler seemed to love it; J. Lo looked confused; and Randy used it as yet another opportunity to tell us about how important he is: “You know, being a producer, musician, recording artist, director, and all these things that I am …. ” He actually listed all of his jobs. Somewhere in there, his point was that his favorite thing about Casey is that he is “fearless.” He takes risks. Risks don’t always pay off. I absolutely agree, and that is a huge reason I like him too. I would rather see a performance that was risky and just didn’t work, than see someone get up there week after week and do the same exact thing (Ahem … McDreary).

11. Lauren Alaina:

The Year was 1994. The song choice: Melissa Ethridge’s “I’m the Only One.” Even though Lauren had the flu and you could definitely tell her vocals were strained by it, I still felt she did well with this song. It was NOT as wonderful and perfect as the judges seemed to think; but it was better than most and not off-pitch at least. I like her a lot. Sometimes though, I feel like she is phoning it in. I always feel like I want to see about 40% more from her.

12. Jacob Lusk:

The Year was 1987. The song choice: “Alone” by Heart. Can we just give this guy the Idol winner title already? I mean … come ON. The vocals on this kid are crazy good. When he sings, it is as if he is giving birth to an alien baby. It is like he is pushing it out of his lungs and his diaphragm and everywhere. He physically releases each note, one by one. It is absolutely hilarious and sort of moving to watch actually. It is like he isn’t human when he sings. And somehow, he turned a rockin’ Heart ballad into a gospel-sounding tune. I love this guy. Tyler said: “The gospel had a baby and they named it Jacob Lusk!” Yes Steven. Go to sleep now. It’s going to be okay.

Results Show:

The show opened with short clips of each contestant saying what they wanted to be when they grew up, when they were little kids. Everyone said things like veterinarian, comedian, etc. Except Thia Megia: who said she wanted to be a singer. In that one sentence: “I wanted to sing” – she sounded so boring; I almost fell asleep again.

Seacrest then came out, and of course, had his name listed underneath his person. He reminded us once again that we should give money to Japan. And then he introduced the Top 12, who performed a weird medley of “Born to Be Wild/Born This Way” that was very Brady-Bunch-esque. I was half-expecting them to call themselves “The Silver Platters” and use the money to pay for a silver platter for mom and dad’s anniversary. (Those of you who understand that reference, I love you.)

Next up: we were forced to sit through another lameass Ford Music Video Promo with the Top 12. Kill me. And then Seacrest began his favorite part of the competition, where he gets to torture the contestants by making them guess whether or not they are staying or going home. So “dim the lights …. Here we go ….”

Seacrest first called up Jacob Lusk, Lauren Alaina, and Casey Abrams. After dragging it out a bit too long for dramatic tension … all three were safe.

Next up were Paul McDonald and Haley Reinhart. After the nationwide vote … Haley was in bottom three, Paul was safe.

In the middle of all of the results madness, we were treated to a performance by the  nice guy, former paint-salesman, boring drone Lee Dewyze. Who the hell is he? Oh that’s right. He WON the show last year. I had forgotten, because since then, he has been pretty much pointless. Lee who? He used to sell paint. Remember? They told us that in every single episode last season, right after pounding into our heads that we should vote for him because he is such a nice guy, and the nice boring white guy usually becomes the American Idol. God forbid we vote for someone who is different and takes risks up there. Anyhoo …. Lee and Thia Megia should get married and have boring drone kids that they can bore to death with their boring duets.

Back to the results. Next up was Pia Toscano, James Durbin, and McDreary. Baby Lock Them Doors, was, of course, as safe as his song choices. Pia was also safe. As was James. Woo-hoo!

Stefano Langone and Naima Adedapo were up next. After the nationwide vote … Stefano was safe; Naima was in the bottom three.

Karen Rodriguez and Thia Bore-Gia were up next on the chopping block. Thia was shockingly safe. Literally, I am shocked. Who is voting for this borefest? Karen was in the bottom three.

Since no show is complete without a trainwreck performance by the always annoying Black Eyed Peas, we were then treated to them singing a song which I do not know the title of, because I hit the fast-forward button quicker than Scotty McDreary can sing, “Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low…..”

Dim the lights Ryan. Here we go …..

Karen Rodriguez and Haley ended up being in the bottom two; and again, shockingly, KAREN was the one who had to sing for her life, not Haley.

Karen sang Mariah Carey’s “Hero”, while the judges whispered to each other and pretended to be deciding whether or not to keep her. They, of course, did not use their one save in week two to keep Karen. They sent her packing. Randy said the decision was not unanimous, and J. Lo looked upset; which leads me to believe she was the one who voted for Karen to stay. Either way, Karen went bye-bye and is now free to be a martian newscaster in a place far, far away.  She must have been a martian, and is now being sent back to her planet. That is the only logical explanation why she would be going home over Thia or Haley. Meanwhile, we still cannot vote off Seacrest. This show really is not fair at all.

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