Bergeron and Burke Announce Season 12 Cast of Dancing With the Stars – LIIIIVE!!

Tonight I did something unthinkable. I watched The Bachelor. Okay, I DVR’ed it, and then fast-forwarded through all the sappy romantic crap to get to the good stuff: a “liiive!!!” announcement by my favorite TV host of all-time, the engaging, wonderful, hilarious, man who reads my reviews of his show and retweets them, Tom Bergeron, and Brooke Burke, revealing the brand new cast of Season 12′s Dancing With The Stars. You see, they did something on a new level of cruel this year.  They split up their live announcement into two parts, and then hid it within the commercials during the airing of The Bachelor. So, in order to hear the new cast, I had to actually sit through the stonefaced Bachelor dude who has exactly ONE emotion and it is DULL, and his dumb rose ceremony. Do you see what I do for you people??? The level of commitment that I have here???

So, here is the thing: when you are coming off of a controversial, intriguing season that featured people such as Bristol Palin and Jennifer Grey, how on earth do you begin to top that? Well … you don’t. That MUST be the answer to that question, because the new cast, premiering Monday, March 21st at 8pm on ABC, was so unbelievably “blah” that I thought I was imagining things. I kept waiting for the bomb to drop – for that big , controversial name like Charlie Sheen or Eminem, or, hell … Larry King! ANYONE that is somewhat more interesting than this list of sad-sacs. I will not keep you in suspense any longer. I will reveal to you this list, so that you can see what I am talking about. Here is a list , along with my reaction, of the new “Who are these people?” cast of Dancing With The Stars:

1. “Actress” Chelsea Kane:

Ummm, who? Never heard of her. Apparently she is on some Disney show that 9-year-olds watch. Please hold me back from my excitement. I cannot control myself, for I am thrilled beyond all reason. Sigh.

2. “Television personality” Kendra Wilkinson:

I know I sound like a broken record here, but … who the hell is she??? I had to look up her name as well, and it seems that she is best known for being on the E! Channel and the show, The Girls Next Door, which is about Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends. So, a “reality” show person. Yawn. She seems to fit the “hot girl” role for this year’s cast – the one that gives men a reason to tune in.

3. TV and Radio Personality Michael Catherwood:

Okay, so this is the OTHER dude on the radio show Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky. You know, the one you’ve never heard of. I know literally nothing about this person, so I will shut up and wait and see if he is in any way interesting. My bet is no.

4. Romeo:

Well now we are just getting ridiculous. Who is Romeo, you ask? He is the son of Master P. Remember him? He was the rap/hip-hop dude who was literally the worst dancer in Dancing With The Stars history. When they introduced him tonight, Tom Bergeron literally said: “the son of Master P ….Romeo!!!!” That tells you how famous this guy must be. Apparently he is also a rapper and basketball player. Great.  Good for him. I enjoy cooking. So now we have gone from Dancing With The Stars to Dancing With The Unknown Relatives and Offspring of the Stars!!! I mean seriously … what is next? Maybe next year we can do “Dancing With The Co-Stars of the Stars!” That would be fun. Can you imagine that cast? Bergeron would announce: “you know him as the round, sports-like co-star of Tom Hanks …. from Castaway, please welcome everyone’s favorite volleyball …. WILSON!!!” (Wilson rolls out onto the dance floor.) Actually, I would love that. Please have Wilson on your show next year. He is ten times better than ANY of these duds on the cast list so far.

5. Six-time WWE World Champion Chris Jericho:

Now we are getting somewhere that is at least  somewhere in the realm of “star” and “interesting choice.” I don’t know much about him, but you can’t deny that wrestling is huge, so I’m guessing a lot of America knows a lot about him. Or at least more than I know.

6. Model Petra Nemcova:

Nemcova is originally from Czech Republic, and is a model and author. I will say that I do know who she is, mostly because she was the one who was severely injured in Thailand’s tsunami; her late fiance, photographer Simon Atlee, was killed by the storm. So, Petra will be this year’s “inspirational story” in the cast. There is always at least one. She will be the one that the audience falls in love with.

7.  Two-time Superbowl Champion Hines Ward:

There is ALWAYS a football player on this show. Always. And more than half the time, they end up being great dancers. They also usually end up partnering with Cheryl Burke. Ward is currently with the Pittsburgh Steelers, and will soon embarrass himself by doing The Rumba … “liiiiive!!!”

8. Actor Ralph Macchio:

So how long into the season before Tom Bergeron makes a wax on/wax off joke? My guess is night one. Of course, Macchio is best known for his role as The Karate Kid, as well as starring roles in both The Outsiders and My Cousin Vinnie. He can act like he knows karate. But can he dance? We shall soon find out … “liiiive!” (I’m sorry, I can’t stop doing that. Bergeron’s catchphrase has taken over my soul.)

9. Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard:

Now we are talking. What can one say about this man really? He is considered by some to be the best boxer of all-time (although I’m sure Muhammad Ali disagrees violently with that assessment.) He has won world titles in 5 weight divisions, and was named Boxer of the Decade for the 1980′s. Well, that’s all well and good, but can he Pasa Doble? We will know on Monday, March 21st … “LIIIIVE!!!!” ( I must be stopped.)

10. Talk Show host Wendy Williams:

You know she is really a man, right? I mean, I know it hasn’t been officially announced or anything, but come on … everyone knows. She has an Adams Apple. And a penis. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m not judging. I just have to wonder if her pro-dance partner will be a male or a female. This I will stick around for.

11. Actress Kirstie Alley:

I saved the best for last, at least in my opinion. As far as I know, Kirstie has been asked to do the show several times, and now she has finally said yes. Despite all the inevitable fat jokes that I’m sure will follow, I’ve always loved Kirstie Alley. Cheers is actually my favorite show of all-time, and I just find her to be a woman with a great sense of humor and self-irony. Plus, like Tom Bergeron, she has also communicated with me on Twitter a few times here and there; so here’s hoping she enjoys and shares my reviews.

And there you have it folks. The Season 12 cast. What do you think? Anyone vaguely interesting? Who the hell is Romeo? Is it too late to get volleyball Wilson on the show? And will Wendy William’s penis get in the way during costume changes? All this and more, you will find out along with me, as I write my reviews of Season 12 and watch the show unfold …..

“LIIIIIIIVVEEEEE!!!!!”

Dancing With The Stars Season 12 airs beginning Monday, March 21st, 8pm, on ABC.

Photos courtesy of ABC and Adam Larkey.

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