Glee Review: Holly is my Holiday

Celibacy Club comes to order!  Due to Rachel’s single status, Emma’s fear of the hose monster, and Quinn’s. . .well, I don’t know what Quinn’s deal is, sex and celibacy will be the topic of this week’s episode.  Which would be fun in any Glee episode, but is especially so because Holly Holiday is back! Wearing an insanely short skirt, she walks into the Teachers’ Lounge and Will immediately starts stumbling over his words like a bumbling schoolboy.  Which, of course, he is.  He bumbles Holly’s introduction to Emma.  That’s okay, though — I often forget Emma’s name, too, Will.

Holly think it’s time to teach the kids about sex.  Especially New Directions, cause it turns out that not only do they believe you can get pregnant by sharing a hot tub, but also that cucumbers can give you AIDS, and a stork outside your window means you’re getting a baby.  But Emma, projecting, doesn’t want to steal the kids’ innocence by talking about sex too openly.   Emma is dumb.

Over Holly’s jazzercise class (oh, how I wish Sue was in this class!), Holly and Will discuss having a sex ed talk with Glee.  Which she will do, of course, through song.  Wearing head-to-toe leather and three-inch stiletto boots, Holly performs Joan Jett’s “Do You Want To Touch Me,” which Glee thoroughly enjoys.  Gwyn’s voice is not quite strong enough to pull this song off, but, as usual, her screen presence is totally on point.  She’s a lot of fun to watch. She ends the song by saying “So, just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with.  And everybody’s got a random.”  It’s her delivery that kills it.

Sue runs into Kurt and Darren (Blaine? Still not a name) while getting her routine enema (I take mine tall, no foam, with a shot of vanilla syrup), and leaks the news that Glee’s getting sexy. The Warblers feel threatened, and Darren decides it’s time to sexify.  They decide to perform in front of a group of private school girls in uniform in order to see if they could turn them on.  Which is kinda like shooting fish in a barrel, don’t ya think?

Of course, the girls swoon.  Presumably, they squeal.  They temporarily shove their dreams of Bryn Mawr and Wellesley admissions aside to imagine what these guys would be like if they had one for their very own.  The guys perform “Animal” by Neon Trees.   It doesn’t work for me, in part because the set design just made me want to re-watch Paula Abdul’s 1989 “Cold Hearted Snake” video, which I just learned was directed by the recently Oscar-robbed David Fincher. But instead of watching half-naked dancers writhe to Bob Fosse-inspired choreography, we get Kurt’s weird faces and The Creep-inspired dance moves.  Then, inexplicably, the Warblers dump bubbles and beach balls on the crowd, which just looks awkward because everyone’s still in their uniforms.  The guys don’t even take off their jackets.

Darren’s concerned about Kurt’s lack of sexy knowledge, so he visits Burt to suggest a father-to-son sex talk.  Burt clearly wishes Darren would just talk to him, but Darren pushes him.  So in a conversation uncomfortable for both of them, Burt gives an awesome lecture.  I’ve often said that when parents/educators talk about talking about the sex, the focus lies so heavily on the STD/pregnancy spiel, we neglect to talk honestly about the emotions involved.  But Burt breaks that down for his son, and it’s very moving; I want to record it so I can repeat it verbatim when it’s my turn to give such a talk.

Meanwhile, Lauren Zizes decides she wants to get famous the millennial way – she’s going to record herself getting Pucked.  But the plan is quashed when Holly informs them that doing so might violate child pornography laws.  Still, I’m glad to see Puck/Lauren collaborating through multiple episodes.  Like Kurt and Darren, this relationship feels earned. Additionally, Holly informs them that sex tapes “never work out well; my sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.”  And with that, sorry, Liz Lemon, you just got replaced; Holly Holiday is totally my new fictional BFF.

Santanny have a girls night in, to do the stuff men think women do at Wellesley and Bryn Mawr.  But Brittany’s confused, cause she likes Artie.  They seek solace in Holly’s sacred sexy sharing circle, which appears not to be in the same classroom as her jazzercise class.   Holly asks if they might be lesbians, but Santanny isn’t sure.  Having been a member of the Ani DiFranco fan club (Hey!  Me too!  I knew we were BFFs!) Holly knows of what she speaks.   She suggests a song to help them explore how they feel.  Santana chooses it; it’s “Landslide,” and Holly, Brittany, and Santana perform a version of it that I rather enjoyed.  Later, Santana tells Brittany that she’s an angry bitch because she’s afraid of putting her feelings for Brittany out there, especially if it means she has to go to Indigo Girls’ concerts.  But Brittany’s into Artie, so poor Santana put herself out there. . .and got rejected.  Boooooo!  Well, yay, for Artie, but still, sucks for Santana.

Will’s crush on Holly leads to a performance of Prince’s “Kiss,” accompanied by a tango that is the show’s only truly sexy moment. You know, Gwyneth’s one of those actresses that many people hate (GOOP probably doesn’t help) but I’ve always loved her.  She doesn’t phone it in, and by the song’s end, I’m really hoping Will’s gonna get a piece of that.   Verdict doesn’t look promising, though, cause Holly’s turning him down cause she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.  C’mon Holly.  Will needs this.

Especially since Emma is realizing that she still has feelings for Will (and I don’t want to go through the Will/Emma crap again).  She clearly hasn’t gone kinky in Kokomo yet and despite that fun Rocky Horror number from awhile back, she’s not particularly sexually expressive.  For a performance by the Celibacy Club, she chooses “Afternoon Delight,” a song she believes is about having dessert before 5pm. Emma is confused.  And, again, kinda dumb. A visit to Holly’s classroom (I guess the sacred sex sharing circle is reserved for those of ambiguous orientation) with Carl uncovers the aforementioned Schuester-love.  Carl’s moving out.

So all of Glee ends up joining Rachel and Quinn in the celibacy club, even though they all pretty much want to have sex.  But Quinn is having it.  With Finn.  And she plans to keep having it until they get elected Prom King and Queen.  And Holly’s leaving McKinley; she’s making watching Veggie Tales uncomfortable for families.  But she’s also going to try a relationship, so maybe Will’s gonna get some, after all.

So what did you think?  Good episode?  Who is your fictional BFF?  And, as a name, could “Warblers” be any less sexy?  At least “New Directions” promises a new. . .direction. Although neither name can beat Oral Aural Intensity for pure sex appeal.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Sexual Healing by Inisia Lewis.

Season 2, Episode 15: Sexy (originally aired March 8, 2011)

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDb Pro.

Read more Glee here.