Glee Review: Regionals

This week on Glee, New Directions, the Warblers and Sue’s Aural Intensity faced off at the Regional competition. Who won isn’t even the important part. Like with any truly good story, it’s about how everyone got there.

KLAINE

There would be no Klaine if not for the magical harmonies of the Warblers so I have to show some love to “Misery,” which opened up the show. Any time the adorable Darren Criss gets to display some equally adorable dance moves, I’m a happy girl. It also pushed Kurt to finally say what was on all of our minds. “You’re amazing, Blaine. Your solos are breathtaking. They’re also numerous…Sometimes I don’t feel like we’re the Warblers. I feel like we’re Blaine and the Pips.” This would commence the first of many ponderous Blaine faces of the evening. Sigh.

And while “Misery” was bouncy, fun and wonderfully sung, nothing could compare to Blaine finally sharing a little of that competition spotlight. Sure, “Candles,” the number the Warblers opened up with at Regionals, didn’t sound half as good, the fact that the Warblers got emotions out of me other than excitement and giddiness made up for it. Kurt had only placed a tiny idea in Blaine’s head when he suggested that Blaine share the wealth. However, it was Kurt’s rendition of “Blackbird,” sung to honor his recently-deceased canary Pavarotti, which really changed Blaine’s mind. If you weren’t watching, the cameras almost exclusively focused on Blaine as he realized the fabulousness that is Kurt. Yes, we “were only waiting for this moment to arise” too. Finally, he understood what Kurt was feeling about him and reciprocated it. “Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, ‘Oh there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.’” I cried. I thought I was okay with just a friendship or even a slowly developing relationship as long as the writers did right by the budding couple, but I was wholly unprepared for how affected I’d be…fountains gushing out of my eyes affected. And THAT was all pre-kiss. The kiss certainly appeared to take Kurt’s breath away, and it did the same for me the five times I watched it.

Unsurprisingly, the Warblers didn’t win Regionals. Poor Kurt! He had to bury Pavarotti, an act that reminded him of losing his mother, and he had to shoulder failing on top of that, but Blaine was at his side and brought even more tears to my eyes when he said, “You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all of this, and that beats a lousy trophy, don’t you think?”

THE RETURN OF THE BERRY

My love for Rachel was once again reignited this week, and while she shared as much screen time with Quinn, both returning to season one, antagonizing form, I couldn’t help but fall in love with small, determined Rachel all over again. Quinn, on the other hand, can kick rocks. Rehashing the whole Prom King and Queen mission bores me by now, and Finn should be smart enough to smell what she’s cooking and get as far away as possible. I can actually appreciate the bitchy, queen bee side of her, but now that I know Santana and Lauren can pull it off in ways that are much funnier, I’m not as excited as I used to be. I did get a chuckle when Finn realized he’d witnessed the return of “scary Quinn.” Remember when she used to be really scary, especially when she was hopped up on all those pregnancy hormones.

The waters quickly muddied when Quinn explained to Rachel that she holds on to Finn so tightly because Rachel will get out of this town and go on to do great things, while Quinn’s biggest dream will be to become a real estate agent, buy a house and pop out some babies with Finn, who’ll take over Burt’s car shop. She didn’t explain it in the nicest of words, but I get that and began to feel for Quinn. Small town living can be hard sometimes. The tough realization only inspired Rachel to write a song that was actually good, or at least better than “My Headband” (Brittany’s new favorite song) and her latest attempt “Only Child.” It also gave her a means, though not as declarative as last season’s sectionals solo “Don’t Rain On My Parade,” to show off her talent and emote like the best of ‘em. Her performance also seemed to reignite a part of that adoring and inspired Finn that I used to love, leaving Quinn looking pretty “scary” at the end there.

With original songs and oodles of energy, it’s not shocking that New Directions won. “Loser Like Me” was basically turned into a huge Glee ad, completed when the audience got “slushied” with red confetti. What did surprise me was how little Sue or Aural Intensity we got to see during the performances. After all the build up to her foiling their chances, I saw nothing extremely evil or Sue-like. She poked and prodded the entire school week, but that’s typical. She also pandered to the judges but not in a way that was all that original or even funny. Yet, if there was a storyline I’d be okay with dropping, it would have been the antagonizing storyline. This episode just had an all-around feel-good sentiment. (There was also a nod to Santana and Brittany’s fallout from last week. Though brief, it was appreciated.)

THE JUDGES

Last season’s Sectionals and Regionals panels still reign paramount in my eyes. There was Sue deciding the New Directions’ fate, Rod being his typically knob of a self, Josh Groban and Olivia Newton-John playing pretentious jerks, that CPA who had no clue what she was doing there, and the southern belle who just couldn’t get past the deaf honking. I’m still laughing. It’s hard to top. This panel however underwhelmed mostly because the potential of Kathy Griffin hyped it up so much and then let us down. I chuckled a few times, but Griffin’s Palin-esque Tammy Jean Albertson, Twitterer and former Tea Party Candidate, who knows gay “is not in the Constitution” and believes Obama to be a terrorist, was just not dynamic enough. I could have come up with those jokes, and Griffin writes jokes for a living. I’m surprised she didn’t give the writers room a backhand for giving her so little to work with. Loretta Devine as Sister Mary Constance, on the other hand, played a liberal nun and ex-exotic dancer with verve. Whether as a lead or in a guest role, Devine’s characters always work with that deadpan, spot on delivery of hers.

SONGS, SONGS, SONGS

Thanks, writers, for not filling up much of the episode’s downtime with pointless dialogue that would have no relevance to future episodes just to push us to the big finale. Instead, the glee club took their hand at writing original songs that would never see the light of day outside of that choir room. There was Santana’s ode to Sam, titled “Trouty Mouth.” Poor Sam was mortified. I love sucking on those salamander lips/Wanna put a fish hook in those lips. Puck made up for “Fat Bottomed Girls,” which embarrassed his lady love Lauren, with a new song “Big Ass…Heart.” I’m telling you, my friend, my girl’s got a big ass heart/when she shops for groceries that heart gets its own damn cart. Lauren, endearingly, grooved to the whole song. And Mercedes rocked “Hell to the No” Try to make me change my weave/Well I’ve got something up my sleeve/Hell to the no no no no no no no no. I would actually dance to that one. This is probably the reason why the song was actually released as a single.

What worked was that the writers inherently knew there needed to be a fairly even balance between attention to song, attention to laughter and attention to tears. I found myself crying my eyes out, slapping my knee repeatedly and tapping my foot to many a beat. So how did this season’s Regionals competition compare to last season’s competition? Did the right group win? Should Glee show off more original songs? And are you even more in love with Klaine than you were before? Sound off!

THE SONGS

“Misery” by Maroon 5
Sung by Darren Criss and The Beelzebubs (The Warblers)
Grade: B+

“Blackbird” by The Beatles
Sung by Chris Colfer and The Beelzebubs (The Warblers)
Grade: A

“Jesus Is My Friend” by Sonseed
Sung by Aural Intensity
Grade: C

“Candles” by Hey Monday
Sung by Darren Criss, Chris Colfer and The Beelzebubs (The Warblers)
Grade: B (Something just didn’t mesh very well.)

“Raise Your Glass” by Pink
Sung by Darren Criss and The Beelzebubs (The Warblers)
Grade: A-

“Get It Right” – Glee Original Song
Sung by Lea Michele
Grade: B+

“Loser Like Me” – Glee Original Song
Sung by The Glee (New Directions) Cast
Grade: A- (I hated this song until I saw them perform it.)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “I’m perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.” – Rachel
• Did anyone else think that Quinn’s voiceover sounded strange, like her inflection was off.
• “Now I know today we need to practice doo-wopping behind Blaine while he sings every solo in the medley of Pink song…” – Kurt
• “I forged that letter from My Chemical Romance, also I didn’t sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.” – Sue. The letter in question was a cease and desist order from singing “Sing” at Regionals. At least there was a good reason, though unbelievable, why New Directions did not sing a song they’ve rehearsed, though they still have a catalogue of professionally staged numbers.
• “Prom queens live on average five years longer than regular people because they smile a lot, and smiling has been proven to ward off diseases.” – Quinn
• “Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.” – Sue
• “All I know is that you blew me off with stubbles McCripple pants.” – Santana
• “Well if it isn’t Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Fake Boobs.” – Sue
• “I don’t even remember putting that in there.” – Brittany after Sue put dirt in her locker.
• “Please make sure everything I say goes down in the official minutes.” – Blaine
• “I wrote another verse of “Trouty Mouth.” – Sananta after Mercedes’ turn. Sam was ready with his “hell no” sign.
• “Can I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup?” – Rod
• “The convent was is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole.” – Sister Mary
• “That Dalton Academy, is it a gay school or is it just a school that appears gay?” – Sister Mary
• “I see no reason why they shouldn’t be allowed to marry and raise of family of beautiful wigs.” – Rod
• “I am sorry, but I’m a politician, and when I lost my last election – and there will be a recount – I didn’t go around singing about being a loser.” – Tammy
• “My husband is verbally abusive and I have been drinking since noon.” Classic last words from the lady who announced the New Directions’ win right before Sue decked her.
• “The competition season is over, but we’ll still get to perform. We do nursing-home shows all the time, and do you know how many Gaps there are in Ohio? Tons.” – Blaine

For more on this episode, check out A Loser Like Glee by Alana D.

Season 2, Episode 16: Original Song (originally aired March 15, 2011)

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDb Pro.

Read more Glee here.

America’s Next Top Model Review: Make It Hot Like Fire

The ANTM gods finally saw what I’ve been seeing.  This cycle’s models lack fire.  Simple solution: challenge the models to walk a runway lit by fire while their hands are on fire.  Not to litter the review with an abundance of fire metaphors, but the flames did provide the only real sparks since the girls were not ignited by the flames to finally light up this season.

First of all, my disclaimer: I am not a fan of body piercings and tattoos.  Other than earrings, the only piercings that win my approval are small diamonds on the top of the nose.  Everything else is a distraction, especially on a model.  In lieu of that, Sara’s nose ring looks like a splinter or gash on her nose.  It surprises me that each cycle Tyra Banks picks girls with noticeable tattoos and facial piercings to be in the Top Model house.  Granted, Eva Pigford, the winner of Cycle 3, had at least one tattoo, and maybe other winning models had others.  However, while in Amsterdam Elina Ivanova was openly criticized by the designers on her go-sees because her tattoos were distracting.  Yet Tyra continues to pick girls whose bodies are not, as she had called it, “a clean pallete.”  It almost seems as if Tyra is no longer getting potential top model applicants.

Speaking of clean palletes, after only a week, Molly got her weave cleaned out of her hair.  Although Molly’s head did indeed look like a mop and the weave needed to be weeded, I can’t help but to think of how much money they wasted sewing all that hair in her head and then cutting it out in less than a week.  That was just a huge waste of someone’s money, and that poor weave specialist from last week probably lost her job.

First, water.  Next, fire.  The girls’ walks should always bring the wind to their hair, and Sara, Hannah, and Kasia’s performance went up in smoke so high that they were forced to stomp through the gutters of earth to get home.  My corny attempt to highlight earth, wind, fire, and water notwithstanding; as they hit the runway modeling the latest collection from fashion designer Geoffrey Mac, the girls had to bring fire to the runway in more ways than one.  When they stepped onto the runway, their hands were lit on fire.  With the best walk, hands down – or in their case, hands up, Dalya was my favorite.  Thankfully no one made the same faux pas as they did when they worked with the first element.  Falling on fire is more detrimental than falling on water.

In preparation for a sexy Fierce Roast coffee commercial with photographer and director Francesco Carrozinni, the models were styled in ’60’s office wear, and Sara and Jaclyn were padded with faux breasts and butts.   Tyra has admitted on more than one occasion that she created Top Model for those girls who don’t fit the norm of fashion, but the girls this cycle seem about as Plain Jane as she’s ever gotten.  I see very little that is atypical about any of the girls except Dalya, and that’s probably because she’s the only black model left.  Where is the personality? The passion for fashion? The sassiness? The culture? Like the set this season, these girls are just straight up and down with hardly any pop or color in their personalities.  Tyra does not have to reel anyone in.  The fact that they even had to add more hips and breasts, two of the essentials that really make a woman stand out as a woman, is symbolic of the fact that these girls as a whole are lacking in what it takes to make them pop!  Alexandria is the only one who has to be reeled in not for chutzpah and fiery sass but for crankiness and bad attitude.  She dropped from the best photo last week to the bottom two this week (although Sara was sent home), and Tyra warned Alexandria that this would be her last time talking to her about her behavior.  Therefore, clearly the only little attitude that is being given by any of the girls is the wrong type of attitude and is about to get her sent home.   While my favorite model is still Dalya, I wish the girls could take the flame they used to light their hands on fire on the runway and use it to light a fire under their ascots.

For more on this episode, check out This Year’s Hottest New Accessory- Fire! by Desiree Neall.

Cycle 16, Episode 4: “Francesco Carrozinni” (originally aired March 16, 2011)

Get fierce with this cycle of America’s Next Top Model Wednesdays at 8/7c on the CW

Images courtesy of The CW

The Bachelor 15 Finale Review: The Sound and The Fury

All good things must come to an end. For The Bachelor’s Brad Womack, it’s the moment of truth, possibly his very last chance for a televised engagement. After several weeks of courageously battling self-doubt, fragile women, emotional walls, wild animals, and mildly unpleasant weather conditions under the scrutiny of millions, he’s finally ready to settle down for a lifetime of real commitment.

We open in Cape Town, South Africa, where Brad dresses and readies himself for a visit from his loved ones. “I am so ready to move forward,” he says, adding that his family will advise him well, as they know exactly the type of woman he wants to be with. Why didn’t you save yourself the trouble and have them select your bride ten episodes ago, buddy? From the looks of it, he’s been separated from his mother and two brothers for eons, as he can’t stop crying when they arrive. He walks off a couple times to regain his composure, which is actually kind of endearing. I hope Brad’s future wife reminds him of this moment whenever she’s violently chastised for exhibiting unseemly human emotions in his presence. This is the first time we see Brad as a human being with actual biological roots. His twin brother Chad and little brother Wes, along with their wives, accompany Mom in a shaded outdoor nook to await the arrival of the bachelor’s lovely ladies. Brad lets us know the two women “know everything there is to know about [him]…every single thing,” rendering the prospect of a lifetime of companionship pretty anticlimactic, if you ask me. He adds that he can’t wait to “introduce [his] family to the two women [he] very well may propose to.” Well, I certainly wouldn’t recommend proposing to two women, but I’m not the one with the tough decision to make.

Chantal shows up first, visibly excited to meet the future in-laws. She’s a bundle of nervous energy, and she’s concerned about being received well by those who know Brad better than anyone else. If I were her, I’d be more worried about the fact that my future husband hasn’t taken the time to learn the correct pronunciation of my name. He alternates between referring to her as “Shawn-tall” and “Shan-tell” depending on his mood, but she seems not to care or even notice. Chantal is blinded by the thick haze of desperation surrounding her at all times. She reveals to the Womack clan that she fell in love with Brad once and for all in Costa Rica, on that fateful evening which drove them inside to escape the rain. That single event is the absolute definitive centerpiece of the relationship between Brad and Chantal; truly, there is no mysterious realm of their romance beyond that which has already been revealed by the cameras. Let us not think that whatever was left on the cutting room floor might help further explain why Chantal is so confident in her decision to hang all of her hopes on this man. On this bright afternoon in South Africa, she tells his family that she would be willing to marry him now, on the spot, were he to ask, and they seem to find her eagerness reassuring. The men see her as outgoing, energetic, and fun.

Brad’s mom asks Chantal how she fell in love so quickly, and Chantal answers by stating that she came into the experience with an open heart and knew very early on that Brad was the right person based on the fact that he was everything she happened to be looking for. It was easy to fall in love at that point, because he turned out to be the perfect man for her. Brad’s mom says that Chantal almost took the words right out of Brad’s mouth, which means that they both hoped to find people who were right for them. I can’t believe the odds of two such peculiar people just happening to find one another. Mom thinks Chantal is “precious” and “a catch,” which is sort of a diplomatic way of saying that she’s not quite good enough for her little boy.

Emily gets a chance to make an impression of her own once Chantal has left the premises. I can’t tell if these visits were conducted back-to-back or if this one was filmed on a separate day. Em is nervous about discussing her personal history with the family, and they immediately notice that she’s a lot more “mature” and “composed” than Chantal, in the words of the opinionated Brother Wes. Her presentation is stiff, as per usual, and the tale of ex-fiance Ricky’s demise and the birth of her daughter comes out awkwardly and begrudgingly with some help from Brad. She unconvincingly tells Chad and Wes that she would marry Brad and move to Austin “in a heartbeat.” (Let’s keep this statement in mind for later, folks.) She voices her alleged excitement over the prospect of giving little Ricki a new father, saying that she hasn’t felt these feelings in a very long time and is thrilled for their future. Despite the clinical, dispassionate tone she employs while assuring the family that “any girl would be lucky to have Brad,” Emily is well-received and adored almost immediately. I have to admit that she’d make the perfect trophy fiance on the talk show circuit, and I guess that’s all she’s obligated to be.

Thus far, Brad’s family has served no purpose but to say generally nice things about each of the women, but now it’s time they offer some candid advice. The sisters-in-law point out that Chantal will be fun to hang with, an ideal “wine and sushi” companion, while Emily would immediately vibe with them, since they’re all mothers. How that’s supposed to inform Brad’s decision making process is a mystery to me, but I’m glad they got a free trip to South Africa for their efforts. Mom thinks Emily is the one, and Chad refers to her as “poised,” but “not shy.” he’s got a point. There’s no real way to ever tell what Emily’s intentions are, since she takes such great care to wrap every thought, instinct, and feeling in a tidy little package before presenting it. Her aristocratic tendencies are wearing thin, but Brad’s family settles on her as the only sensible choice, which either speaks volumes for her or says a lot about Chantal.

Now is the time for Brad’s very last date with the ill-fated Chantal, who bounces up and leaps into his arms with all of the unbridled impetuosity of a new puppy. She has no idea that the bachelor has already made up his mind, nor is she aware that nothing she can do on this date will be enough to alter his decision. Brad reveals in a voiceover that he’s all but eliminated Chantal from the running but would like to spend one more day with her, anyhow. “Hopefully, she can show me why she’s the one,” he intones. I know this formality is unavoidable, but give the poor girl a break. The pair is riding around on a boat when Brad spots sharks. Because we are familiar with this show, we know they’ll soon be diving into the water to swim with the sharks. When Chantal is finally clued in, she whines and pleads, “No no no, whyyy?” in a futile cry for mercy from the soulless powers that be. Soon, she’s suiting up and dropping herself into a shark tank to prove her love to a man who has already ruled her out. When the afternoon adventure has concluded, Chantal reminds Brad of her willingness to do anything for him, under any circumstance, even as he phones it in and sits daydreaming about Emily. This woman is trying so hard that she makes Ashley H. look like James Dean by comparison.

Later on, Brad and Chantal sit in a hotel room and discuss their relationship. Chantal’s voiceover says, “I can’t be tough, because if I’m tough, then I’m not being open with him.” My heart breaks, and I wish I could reach through the screen and shake some sense into this sad, delusional woman. She gives Brad a handmade map that shows all the locations they’ve visited in their long history as a couple. “I’ve never traveled the world for any guy before,” she tells us. I suppose it’s a bit easier when a major television network is footing the bill and literally mandating that you board the plane. Brad reads aloud a letter that Chantal wrote him detailing her feelings and her willingness to give everything up for a chance at a lifetime of love and adventure. Brad tells the camera that he can learn lessons from Chantal on how to be more expressive and vulnerable. It’s good to know he’s taking mental notes that he’ll later be able to apply to Emily. As he leaves the suite, Chantal moans that she’ll be “absolutely crushed” if he doesn’t pick her. At least she’s aware that it’s a possible outcome of this experience, right?

At last, Brad is awarded for his patience with a day in Emily’s presence. Outside, on some empty stretch of road in Cape Town, she slowly saunters up to greet her man, almost as if it matters not whether she will ever reach his open arms. She tells us that she’s “absolutely falling in love again and [is] with somebody that [she] could spend the rest of [her] life with.” Really, Emily? Her noncommittal attitude seems to indicate resigned indifference or self-assured certainty. Either way, she’s not in it to win it anymore. Brad and Em sit down somewhere still, tranquil, and shark-free to have a calm discussion about his willingness to be a father. I don’t notice any sort of date activity going on here. Emily won’t stop asking him if he’s ready to deal with a five year-old child. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was trying to ward him off as a last resort, and I don’t know any better, as it turns out. For all I know, this entire game was about Emily’s attempt at becoming the next bachelorette, and now she’s starting to realize that she shouldn’t have been so convincing as to actually hook the guy.

Later on, Brad enters a hotel suite to talk to Emily one last time before the final event. He walks into the room while the voiceover tells us he’s got a lot to talk about with Emily tonight, and he wants to reassure her of his feelings once and for all. Contrast that statement with the fact that he forced Chantal to jump through hoops all day in a pitiful and ultimately meaningless display of her own worthiness as a mate. Brad tells Emily that his only goal is to convince her that he’s ready and willing to be a real dad to Ricki right now, and he only needs her approval. He wants to be Ricki’s real father, as opposed to a stepfather. He wants Emily to give him a chance to prove it. Wow. I wonder who he’ll pop the question to at the end of the episode. The suspense is killing me. Emily, yet again, grills Brad about his level of preparedness, telling him that parenthood is essentially a nightmare into which no sensible adult would venture freely. She dreams up worst-case scenarios to pitch in a feverish attempt to turn him off to the whole idea. What if Ricki busted her head on a swing set and had to go to the emergency room? What if she’s sick in the middle of the night and needs help? This bit is painful to watch, since Brad is having a conversation with a woman he wants to propose to while Emily is appearing in a scene on a TV show. Em challenges his every effort to sell himself as a capable father with a slight smirk and coldly detached recitations of the script running through her pretty head. Meanwhile, Chantal sits in the next room drafting her wedding vows, embroidering bath towels, and periodically dashing off to the bathroom to nurse the shark bites on her arms.

Can we just hear Emily drawl “Ah dew” and be done with it? The ABC cameras conveniently catch Brad and the women waking up from a deep slumber and gazing out of their respective windows on the morning of the proposal. Chantal dresses herself appropriately in a long black gown, while Emily is practically wearing a wedding dress. Chris Harrison’s only function during this episode is to hand each woman off to Brad to receive the news. Of course, Chantal is up first, and Brad starts off by telling her she’s a great gal and all before saying, “Here’s where it gets tough” and causing her face to fall in an instant. “I don’t know how else to say it except I have stronger feelings for someone else.” There’s no need to speak in code, Brad; I’m sure she might have a clue as to the identity of the other woman. Chantal looks as if she might vomit any second. She’s completely bowled over and had not prepared herself for this possibility. “It just sucks, because I felt so strongly,” she says through her tears. Here it is. It’s the moment we’ve actually been waiting for. It’s really quite exciting- a real, live human heart breaking on national TV. Brad walks Chantal out, but not before asking her to make nice with him and asking for the third time if she’s okay. Chantal saves her most dramatic bout of sobbing for the interior of the limo, where she admits that she feels stupid for not seeing earlier that Brad did not share her feelings. What a pleasant shock it will be to this woman, who recently left a long-term relationship and doomed marriage before spending time with the epic bonehead Brad Womack, that some men are actually full of personality and quite worth dating. I think she’ll be just fine.

And now, at long last, it’s the inevitable moment we’ve all been sort of vaguely anticipating despite the utter lack of tension leading up to it. Brad stands before Emily and stutters through a prepared speech consisting of the phrases “leap of faith,” “ups and downs,” “you’re the one,” “you’re my once-in-a-lifetime,” “i am truly in love with you,” and “please give me your forever.” Emily is frozen and ill at ease as she mutters, “I would love that; I would love to” in response to Brad’s marriage proposal as if he had just asked her on a coffee date after accidentally stepping on her toe while playfully walking backwards in a grocery store during the second scene of a romantic comedy. Her eyes dart to and fro as she subtly plans her escape route. Brad whines that he’s been waiting for this moment for the past 38 years, which is roughly the same amount of time it took me to make it through this episode.

*After the Final Rose: Reunion Special*

Immediately following “one of the most emotional finales in Bachelor history,” according to host Chris Harrison, we’re treated to a glimpse of our new fantasy couple and a whole host of video clips from the season we just watched but have already forgotten about. Here are some of the highlights from what actually turned out to be a relatively entertaining affair:

• Chantal looks gorgeous and refreshed after the whole experience. She joins Chris onstage to talk about being strong and open to heartbreak instead of having regrets. She says that “everything happens for a reason.” That’s quite a fresh take on things; I hope the philosophy catches on.

• As soon as Brad enters, Chantal starts to quiz him about what went wrong, the moment at which he knew that she wasn’t right for him. Brad admits that he knew Emily was “the one” very early on, and he basically kept Chantal around just out of contractual obligation. Chantal cries and lets Brad comfort her. She’s understandably upset that Brad is so easily able to dismiss the chemistry they shared on the show when she went so far as to humiliate herself in every single episode for the sake of an improbable outcome.

• It’s officially revealed that Chantal is dating someone new and is quite happy in the relationship. Brad uses this fact to get himself off the hook for essentially telling Chantal that she never had a prayer.

• Brad confides in Chris that he and Emily have already broken up at least once and that their young romance is on the rocks. At one point, he asks in a panic if Emily is coming onstage to dump him, à la Jason Mesnick, when Chris announces her impending arrival.

• Emily appears resentful about having to be present at all, though she’s all too pleased to share with the world that she and Brad have had their share of rough terrain already, due partly to the fact that Emily had to watch Brad pay attention to other women on TV every Monday night with the rest of the country. Apparently, Emily would view an episode, think it was the perfect excuse to finally bow out for good, and call Brad to start a fight. Brad seems like he’s at the end of his rope. He looks as unhappy as any man can be.

• Emily says that she’s not ready to get married right now, and she’s certainly not ready to uproot her daughter and haul off to Austin. The audience gasps and boos as if Emily just murdered Brad in cold blood using only her bare hands.

• It becomes tragically apparent that this wedding will never happen. Brad, for some reason, allows Emily to reveal that he has a terrible and intimidating temper which his family calls “the bear.” Brad comes just short of admitting that domestic violence is his most beloved hobby, and in so doing, alienates the 99.998% of the audience which is made up of females. An entire season of hard work toward redemption and rehabilitation is thus undone in a few short moments. It was worth a shot, anyhow.

The next season of The Bachelorette premieres on May 23rd. Godspeed to anyone who chooses to watch.

Season 15, Episode 10 (original airdate March 14, 2011.)

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Mark Wessels and ABC.

Glee Review: A Loser Like Glee

I just received word that I’ve only got an hour to write this review because of some sort of website/server maintenance thing that I’m not going to pretend to be technologically savvy enough to understand.  Bottom line:  it usually takes me about 3-4 hours to write about an episode of Glee.  I’ve got an hour.  (Actually, about 58 minutes).

So I’m going to write this thing, countdown style.  Actually, count-up, technically, but that kind of nitpicking is not going to help me write this review any faster, so just go with it, okay?

0:00 We open with a song in Dalton Academy.  Darren (don’t make me say this again) leads on Maroon 5′s “Misery” and it’s cute and catchy as hell because everything The Warblers does is cute and catchy as hell, as long as a foam machine is not involved.  Kurt levels with him — While Darren’s an awesome soloist, Kurt’s kind of tired of being one of his back up Warblers.

03:17 Rachel sings “Only Child,” her self-penned ditty dealing with the heartache of never having to share your toys.  (Sample lyric: “Damn you, Dads, why did you settle for only me?”)  Having endured the pain of having my own bathroom as a teenage girl, I feel her.  She tries this song out on Finn, while Quinn, who is getting the voiceover treatment this episode, studies them from afar.  In an observation that mimics  Cher from Clueless, Quinn notes that being “smart, and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl” isn’t enough.  She wants prom queen, danggit, and she can’t do it without Finn.  But Rachel is standing in her way.  Quinn vows to stay close to Rachel.

06:12 Pavarotti is dead. No, not the opera singer – although he’s dead, too (I checked) – and Kurt sings “Blackbird” in memoriam.  And Darren notices how awesome Kurt is.  Omigod, this moment is so wrought with meaning I can barely stand it, but I can’t go on, cause I’ve only got 50 minutes left to write this, and there’s about 52 minutes left of show to recap/review.

09:42 Having received a Cease and Desist letter from My Chemical Romance, New Directions is forced to pick a Plan B, and Rachel again proposes singing original songs.  Quinn (wearing a fantastic updo) seconds Rachel’s proposal, and Finn thirds it.  Santana proposes that everyone, not just Rachel and Quinn, try writing one.

10:45 Much to my dismay, I laugh at the TV preview for the new Russell Brand Arthur remake.

14:20 Sue puts dirt in Santanny’s lockers. Seriously, how does this woman still have a job?

15:44  Darren tells wants to sing a duet with Kurt at Regionals.  I think this might be going somewhere. . .

16:30 Santana sings “Trouty Mouth,” a jazzy ode to Sam’s big mouth.  Sample lyrics: “I love sucking on those salamander lips” and “If you tried hard enough you can suck a baby’s head.”  Sam puts an end to the song too soon — I’m convinced if we’d let Santana go we would’ve gotten a really good oral sex reference.  Puck also sings a ditty, “Big Ass Heart.”  It’s pretty good, if I say so myself. Sample lyric: “I’m telling you my friend my girl’s got a big ass heart. When she shops for groceries, that heart gets its own damn cart.”  But Schuester’s not too impressed with either song.

24:22 Darren, looking adorable, is asked by Kurt why Darren picked him to duet with.  Darren then gives a fantastic speech that sounds like it was lifted from one of those romantic movies that Kurt loves, but I don’t have time to type it out right now, so let me just sum it up: “Cause I loves ya.” They make out.  And excuse me – I need a couple of seconds to not type so I can pound my fist in the air.  But I’m back, cause Mercedes is singing a very fun song called “Hell To The No.”  Sample lyric: “Mama said get your ass out of bed.  I said hell to the no.”  Actually, the lyrics aren’t great, but it’s catchy as hell, nonetheless.  Plus, Brittany is singing back up in a really great orange floppy hat. But Will doesn’t think it’s right yet.  He wants them to sing about pain.  What follows is a conversation about how Sue makes New Directions feel.

29:28 Rachel and Quinn have a confrontation.  Rachel asks her straight up if she’s dating Finn, and Quinn confirms and then launches a destructive verbal missile straight to Rachel’s self esteem, essentially telling her she’ll never be happy and should pretty much stop ever expecting to be.  Ouch!   Way harsh. But Rachel definitely has some pain from which to write from now. . .[Cue brief crying/writing montage while tinkly music plays.]

35:56 The judges for Regionals are a local broadcaster, a Michele Bachmann-type played by Kathy Griffin, and a nun.  Aural Intensity sings “Jesus is a Friend of Mine” in a pandering, but less than inspired performance.  But local broadcaster, Bachmann-type, and nun like it okay. Kurt and Darren then duet, in a song I’m not familiar with and don’t have the time to look up.  It’s not as cute as “Baby It’s Cold Outside” but listening to it does prompt a meaningful look between Rachel and Finn.  Sadly, Kurt and Darren don’t then make out on stage, but I suppose that would’ve been inappropriate, even if a nun wasn’t in the audience.  The song is quickly followed by Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” and I do love it when the Warbler’s sing girl songs. It’s a great performance.  Darren’s way cuter than that Bieber kid.

46:03 Rachel sings her song, and she tells Finn she means every word of it.  It’s called “Get It Right.”  Sample lyric: “What can you do when your good isn’t good enough and all that you touch tumbles down? Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things; I just wanna fix it somehow.”  It’s pretty much a power pop song, and one that would be perfectly at home as a first release from an American Idol winner.  Rachel hits a big power note near the end — you can really feel Lea Michele auditioning for pop star status on this one.  But, really, this New Directions number is just a pale opener to the real standout song, called “Loser Like Me” which I just might break down and buy on iTunes.  Sample lyric: “Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth, so everyone can hear. Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down; baby I don’t care. Keep it up, I’m tunin’ up, to fade you out . . .You wanna be a loser like me.”  It’s essentially a joyful F- You to every bully in every school that’s ever existed, ever.  It makes me happy.  And the slushee cups with confetti is an awesome touch.

55:42 A conversation among the judges which is the worst scene in the whole episode, because it’s essentially just Kathy Griffin taking cheap shots at Michele Bachmann that aren’t funny because they are entirely too obvious.  But, at least now I know what a gadabout is.

57:47 New Directions wins Regionals! Sue resorts to violence. Seriously, how does she still have a job?

58:36 Kurt and Darren bury Pavarotti.  Kurt’s mourning their Warbler’s loss, but Darren’s just happy they’re together.  Sadly, they do not make out more.

1:00:03  Rachel gets Regional MVP award.  Yay! She deserves it.  I’ve given this show a lot of crap for not giving Rachel suitable character development, but over the last few episode, Rachel’s become someone actually relatable.  I’m totally rooting for her over Quinn.

Okay, we’re done my friends!  Thanks to the DVR FF function, I’m actually about 90 seconds ahead of my deadline.  So I’ve got to go — leave your thoughts in the comment section below!  (That rhyme was unintentional, I swear.)

For more on this episode, check out Regionals by Inisia Lewis.

Season 2, Episode 16: Original Song (originally aired March 15, 2011)

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDb Pro.

Read more Glee here.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Review: Google Me

Week two in Orange County, and the ladies are as deluded and hilarious as ever.

Gretchen is continuing to expand her Gretchen Christine Bu-TAY line of cosmetics and handbags, and has brought Slade in to help her “run her business.” Ever the fame whore, Slade is apparently content to be Gretchen’s bitch for no share of the business’s profits. Instead, Gretchen pays him in sex and ability-to-be-on-TV. Whatever works for them, I guess.

Gretchen is also continuing to defend her need for an assistant, because it’s obvious that Slade is useless. She’s so busy sexing Slade and using a truck load of her own products on her face that she barely has time to pick buckles for her line of purses.  The assistant doesn’t seem to be good for much though, since she spends her time playing with Gretchen’s dogs and going to parties with her. Perhaps Tamra puts it best when she says, “What does Gretchen need an assistant for? To hold Slade’s balls?” Every word out of Tamra’s mouth makes me like her more this season.

Maybe’s it’s her new Latin lesbian friend, Fernanda, that has given Tamra a new lease on life. For now, she’s trying to move on from her failed marriage by moving out of her home and into a smaller house. Her hot (but still faceless) boyfriend Eddie seems to be helping too. We don’t get to meet him this episode, but we get awfully close in the preview for next week when he and Tamra take an intimate bath together with only their love and Bravo’s camera crew to keep them company.

Alexis introduces us to the new OC housewife, Peggy this week. Peggy and Alexis have known each other since they got pregnant at the same time, and they have been competing ever since. They spend an entire outing at the park trying to one-up each other about whose child is more advanced. Peggy’s London is so articulate that she is impossible to understand, while Alexis’s Melania is obviously the best scribbler in her class.

As for Peggy, she seems to be another typical middle-aged Orange County housewife desperately clinging to her youth. She’s gone farther than most though. Besides growing her hair out to a length only appropriate for the tweens on Pretty Little Liars and wearing back-less tops obviously designed for hookers, she’s also married to a younger man. Don’t worry, she’s not a gold digger. As she explains in an interview, she didn’t marry “JUST for money.” She married for love too.

Vicki’s marriage seems once again to be on the rocks, since she spends the entire episode in Seattle without her husband. Don is left at home with his new dog, the oddly named “Walter”, while Vicki heads up north to win an award for being psychotic about insurance. While there, she awkwardly tries to play matchmaker for Breanna while lamenting the state of her own relationship. “Don doesn’t google over me any more.” So true, Vicki. So true.

The episode ends leaving me with more than a few questions. When will FINALLY see Eddie’s face? Does Lynn still exist? How long until Peggy shoots one of the other housewives with a gun from her husband’s collection? We’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

 

Season 6, Episode 2: Shameless in Seattle (original air date March 13, 2011)

For more drama tune in on Sundays at 10/9 Central on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Bravo.

 

The Game Review: The Wisdom of the Cluck Truck King

In a don’t-call-it-a-comeback fashion…oh, wait…this is football…in a Hail Mary play, The Game had me not simply chuckling here and there but laughing with a Kool-Aid smile from this week’s episode.  After running into Dante (Terrence Jenkins) at the Cluck Truck, TeeTee (Barry Floyd) let Tasha Mack (Wendy Raquel Robinson) know that he knew she and Dante had broken up; however, as part of the verbal irony, a clueless Melanie (Tia Mowry) encouraged Tasha to throw a 25^th birthday party for her Boy Toy.

Clearly the BET writers and producers kept TeeTee away for too long. With his explanations to Malik (Hosea Chanchez) of figures of speech and rhetorical devices that were over Malik’s head, the Cluck Truck King is hilariously the smartest one of the group – including even the supposedly nerdy Med School. To force Tasha’s hand to tell the truth about Dante, TeeTee gassed-up Melanie’s idea to throw Dante a party.  To save face, Tasha pretended she and Dante were not only still together but that he was actually at the party and everyone else had “just missed him.”  In a climatic shift, to everyone’s surprise, and to save Tasha Mack from looking like a fool in front of TeeTee’s video camera, that cutie Dante popped up at the party just as Tasha was about to admit she’d been perpetrating a lie.

The Million-Dollar Malik has gotten all sentimental on us.  As he was shutting down his “in-house T&A” instead of  “making it rain on her,” he gave the exotic dancer “Lasagna” (Summer Smith) a check for her services as the “seed money” for the preschool she wanted to open.  Then using his newfound rehab-acquired theory, Malik deduced that Parker was using him and his “Johnson” to assuage the feelings of inadequacy brought on by her husband’s ill, whore-esque treatment of her.   He even admitted to Jenna (Tika Sumpter) that he’s in love with her and she’s too valuable to him to have sex with her in the stall of a restaurant restroom.  Mmmm.  I’m liking this new characterization of Malik.  Yes, he’s a little cheesy.  A little corny here and there, but he’s already played into enough clichés.  He’s an African-American professional football player who grew up without his father in a single-parent home.  He’s already tatted up with not only a bowling alley but a recently-closed private strip club in his home, and he’s done his stint in rehab for his addiction to alcohol and painkillers.  Between him and Derwin (Pooch Hall), BET can check off all the professional athlete stereotypes.  It’s about time Malik started making smart moves…or at least started taking TeeTee’s advice.

Parker (Meagan Good) is scandalous. While my heart weeps for her after watching her husband degrade her in the club, threatening to accuse a man of rape, yet again, or threatening to ruin his career is the epitome of scandalous even if you are hurt.  Granted, hurt people hurt people, but watch a Tyler Perry flick.  Listen to a T.D. Jakes Woman, Thou Art Loosed sermon.  Read an Iyanla Vanzant book.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  When I watch contemporary sitcoms and movies, I expect the characters to have been exposed to pop culture lessons, books, and movies at least from their genre if not others and to operate in that exposure.  Parker, you are woman!  Hear you roar!  Now, knock it off.

Season 4, Episode 10: “Never Surrender” (originally aired March 15, 2011)

Catch The Game Tuesday nights at 10/9c on BET

Images courtesy of BET and IMDbPro

 

Chuck Review: I Am the Hatedom

If I’m going to tear myself away from important matters like whether or not everyone from Freaks and Geeks hates James Franco and writing Brittana fan fiction to recap the second-to-last episode that this season seems bent on forcing me to hate, then I’m going to talk about what I want to talk about. It’s time for this hater to hate.

No, it’s worse than hate – I’m bored with this show. Plot threads that could be interesting if allowed to breathe and develop over multi-episode arcs are forced to a hurried and unnatural end within a forty-three minute span; guest stars waltz in and out of the Buy More looking great in cargo shorts but contributing little else (I’m looking at you, Gretas), and no one has killed Lester and Jeff yet.

They’re getting webisodes. I live in a world where Party Down doesn’t get picked up for a third season and this hellishly charmless inversion of Troy and Abed has a supplementary web series and that makes me want to choke on my own tongue.

Some stuff happens with Casey (Adam Baldwin), there are other Intersects, but they’re not as good as Chuck (Zachary Levi) because of apple juice and his general likeability, I guess. Consider this my unofficial protest. One more episode until Jeffster is out of my life and I can stop pounding Nyquil like it’s my job.

Season 4, Episode 18: Chuck versus The A-Team (original air date March, 14 2011)

Look for more Chuck Mondays at 8/7 Central on NBC.

Images courtesy of NBC.

Being Human Review: Sex Clouds and Playing House

Josh handles the voiceover on this week’s episode of Being Human, “I Want You (Back From the Dead).” His monologue focuses on the unending need we have to connect with one another while we see Sally walk through the hospital purgatory for ghosts and come across a note on the wall from someone named Nick.

We shift to Josh (Sam Huntington) and Nora (Kristen Hager) having a casual conversation in the hospital cafeteria before settling on Aidan avoiding Bernie, being accosted by bullies again on the street. Inside the house, Sally (Meaghan Rath) asks Aidan why he didn’t help, and Aidan explains he can’t because of his altercation with Bernie’s mom last week. They watch helplessly from the window while Bernie backs into the street and is struck by a car. At the hospital, Bernie’s mom thanks Aidan for rushing them to the hospital and making sure the doctors have done what they can, but says there’s nothing further he can do. Aidan walks into the hallway and breaks down in tears. Elsewhere, Sally runs into Nick, an old friend from college and starts to catch up.

Later at the house, Sally fills Josh in on Nick and we learn she had a crush on him in college. She thinks it must mean something that they’ve found each other again as ghosts. She tells Josh that Nick is who she was meant to be with, and ending up with Danny brought all of her plans to a halt. Josh doesn’t think any of the trio belong in a relationship, because people will only end up getting hurt. They switch topics to their mutual concern for Aidan, who happens to be at the vampire brothel rounding up several human women for a private feeding session.

At work, Josh and Nora discuss an upcoming party for hospital employees. Nora suggests they go together, which strikes an off-putting cord with Josh, who asks if they can slow things down. Nora tells him she thinks things are going well and Josh agrees, but continues with the awkward topic of conversation.

Back at the brothel, Aidan’s fallen pretty far off the “I-don’t-drink-live” wagon, and is crossing the line when a bouncer pulls him away from a screaming woman. Another woman tells him no more, but he goes for her neck. Rebecca (Sarah Allen) pulls him off and forces him out. She tells him he’s had enough and he again breaks down, sobbing in front of her.

Sally and Nick head to a trendy restaurant she could never get a reservation to, sharing how they occupy their time as ghosts. Nick is learning Arabic and tells Sally he used to do things like haunt his ex too, but he learned to move on. They joke about peeping in on naked people, which Sally hasn’t done. Nick starts to cough just as Sally mentions her crush on him, and he rushes outside. Sally follows a series of wet footprints into an alley and finds Nick suspended upside down in a floating cloud of water, which instantly explodes. Nick vanishes.

Nick finds Sally and explains he drowned in a boating accident and relives it every day in a death echo. He calls the situation manageable, and asks her about the crush and why she never mentioned it. They kiss, which strangely glows.

Back in the brothel, Aidan tells Rebecca about Bernie and how he should’ve helped him. Rebecca says Aidan could turn him, but Aidan can’t manage all three of their addictions. The next day, the neighborhood erects a small memorial on the curb for Bernie. His mother kicks through it in hysterics but Aidan calms her down and picks up the picture of Bernie she’d knocked over.

At the park, Aidan broods on some bleachers waiting for Rebecca. Bernie comes running up to them, having been turned. Aidan and Rebecca fight over whether Bernie can control himself. Rebecca says she’s been feeding him hospital blood and wanted to give Aidan a reason to live. During their fight they lose track of Bernie.

Back at the house, Josh interrupts Sally and Nick in a sex cloud make-out session. Sally apologizes and introduces the boys. Nick wants to get going, knowing he’s about to relive the echo, but Sally asks him to stay and try and work through it with her. Josh comes in when he hears Nick coughing and choking. Nick isn’t able to overcome it and mists out before drowning. Josh asks Sally to explain, but she’s not willing to right then.

We switch to Bernie playing on a swing set when a girl comes up to him, wanting to play too. He’s overcome with his new bloodlust and grabs her arm. Aidan intervenes before anything can happen and Bernie tells Aidan he didn’t mean to hurt her, but he couldn’t control his urges. Bernie asks Aidan if he’s a superhero now and promises to never hurt anyone, because superheroes only go after the bad guys.

At the hospital, Josh comes across Nora and another male doctor chatting. He interrupts, asking about the hospital office party and makes an excuse about a patient to get the other doctor away. They fight over dialing things down; Nora assumes he wants to break up.

Aidan comes across police tape and the two bullies who used to pick on Bernie dead on the street, with Officer Bishop at the scene. Bishop confronts Aidan, and if he really thought he could keep Bernie a secret. Bishop reminds him there are rules and compassion, even among vampires. Bishop points to the dead boys and says this is why they don’t turn children.

Back at home, Aidan fills Josh in on the situation. Josh takes it less than well, upset because Aidan only confides in him after it’s too late. Aidan tells him he’s right and things are out of control, he may even have to leave for a while. Josh tells him even though they’re best friends, it may be better if he leaves.

At a hotel, Rebecca tries to feed Bernie some bagged blood. She’s clearly stressed with the situation and Bernie’s sick of rotten blood and wants to see his mom. He attacks Aidan, but Rebecca pulls him off before informing Aidan he needs to quit his job and stay home with his new family. Aidan takes Bernie out, telling him they’ll find something to eat.

Nick comes in to see Sally after his ordeal is over. She tells him her outbursts are tied to her emotions and she thinks something in him causes the echo. Nick tells her he used to think it resulted from his inability to beat his death and swim out, but when he tried accepting it nothing changed. Sally suggests leaving a message on the wall about it. Nick tells her the only time he remembers what living felt like is when he’s dying each night, which she construes as him doing it on purpose. Nick tells her being with her has made everything easier for him, and that she doesn’t have to fix him. She doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to get better. Nick tells her death doesn’t leave them a lot of room for change.

At the hospital, Josh tracks down Nora and explains he wants to be with her, but there’s this unknown in his life. She asks if it’ll always be a secret, he says he doesn’t know. She appreciates his honesty, but says she can’t be that girl. He says he doesn’t want that for her either. He doesn’t want to hurt her, she says she doesn’t need protected. She shows him scars across her stomach. He asks who did it to her, and she explains she didn’t always go for the nice guy.

Cut to the woods, where Aidan and Bernie hunt for deer. Aidan tells Bernie he doesn’t need a gun to hunt, and that they can be gentle and quick. Aidan goes around to get the deer and tells Bernie to watch and make sure it doesn’t run. Aidan comes up behind him with a stake and raises it as we cut away to the skyline. Later, he’s crying at the table, hands dirtied from burying Bernie’s body. Despite Josh’s reassurances that he didn’t have a choice, Aidan breaks down again when Josh goes upstairs. At the funeral home, Marcus comes in to see Bishop. He thanks Marcus for killing the bullies, having framed Bernie and setting Aidan on the path to kill his foster son.

Dear Syfy, why are you waiting so long to greenlight season two of Being Human? As Sam Witwer so eloquently put it during our interview, this season is very much like hearing your favorite song played by a different orchestra. Besides his exceptionally apt descriptor, Witwer deserves some attention this week for his continuingly layered portrayal of Aidan, who headed in several dark directions last night.

I’d like to toss a special shout out this week to producers Anna Fricke (Everwood) and Jeremy Carver (Supernatural), who continue to bring the best pieces of their previous work to this show. Next week, someone gets caught up in werewolf cage matches. I wonder if PETA will write letters.

Season 1, Episode 9 “I Want You Back (From the Dead)” (original air date March 14, 2011)

Being Human airs Mondays at 9/8c on Syfy.

Images courtesy of Philippe Bosse and Syfy.

Battle: Los Angeles Review: Invasion, What Is It Good For?

An invading army. Pilotless flying drones. The  killing of innocent people for natural resources. The plot of  Battle: Los Angeles should sound familiar. It’s a shame the obvious analogy being made in Battle seems to escape the filmmakers who created it.

Battle: Los Angeles revolves around a Marine platoon called in to defend L.A. from a half robot/half alien invasion. Aaron Eckhart plays a recently retired Staff Sergeant brought back into action. I wouldn’t have been surprised if at any point during the film he said “I’m getting too old for this s#!%.”  The film, which also stars Michelle Rodriguez and Ne-Yo, doesn’t waste any time getting into the nitty-gritty action. There is a quick introduction of the characters before they are whisked away by helicopter to the battlefront to kill the space invaders.

This is a good thing. Character building, plot explanation, dialogue…these things are not Battle:L.A.’s strong suit. If there was no dialogue other than “Fire! Take Cover! Fall Back! I’ve been hit!” it would have been fine by me. In fact, if they edited the movie down to just the long, intense shootout scenes the movie would be ten times better.

The action scenes in Battle are where the movie shines. The rest of the film is clichéd and runs down the same well worn path of previous action and alien invasion movies. I was surprised by the PG-13 rating given to Battle because the extremely violent and visceral shootouts are intense but effective. During one extended scene in which Marines are getting slaughtered by the aliens, the audience is bombarded with ear piercing gun shots, booming explosions, and blood splatter all seen through a shaky hand-held camera view. I literally forgot to breathe, it was that powerful. That’s all fine and good for a thirteen year-old I guess, just as long as they don’t show any boobies or bums.

During a cinematic age where special effects can create anything the filmmaker could dream, the action scenes in movies have become longer and at the same time rather boring. Battle manages to make the alien menace actually threatening and the action intense and urgent. Even though some of the action begins to feel more like a first person shooter like Halo than an actual movie, they are some of the best action scenes I have seen in a while. Don’t get too excited, I doubt this film will translate well to DVD. It’s also the only good thing about the movie.

Battle: Los Angeles takes itself very seriously, which is unique for an alien invasion movie. There is a gritty, bleak look achieved through Saving Private Ryan-like camera shots. Most of the time the effect works, lending a hopeless quality to the demolished city of L.A.  The film was trying to be Independence Day written by Cormac McCarthy, but ultimately turns out to be just 2011′s reboot of ID4. The film fails to emotionally involve the audience with its characters.

Instead of comparing what’s happening in the movie to modern day events, it succumbs the overused and clichéd themes of a commanding soldier loosing his men in battle. Battle concentrates most of the non-alien-killing scenes to Aaron Eckhart’s guilt ridden Sergeant. These scenes spiral downward from boring to campy to laughable. I would rather have a cheesy speech from the President about how we are going to kick some alien ass.

The drama they try to create with questions of platoon cohesiveness or survivor’s guilt don’t ring true and ultimately fall flat, largely because of one reason: they and everyone they know are being killed by an invading alien force. A Marine isn’t going to be crying over his pervious deployment when he’s unloading a clip into a robotic monster with a futuristic machine gun attached to its arm. The film would have been better suited to raise questions about war – perhaps about the wars America is now involved in and our own removed perceptions of it. The filmmakers seem unaware of the analogies the movie could have presented. As I stated before, the aliens use unmanned drones in their attacks. Does that sound familiar to anyone?

Instead the film wastes time on scenes like a rather viscous and gory alien autopsy where the Marines try to find the aliens “weak spot.” They go about this by filleting one of the invaders with a large knife. Once they celebrate by announcing they now know how to kill the aliens, the scene is all but forgotten and never referred to again because just shooting aliens with their guns seem to work just fine.

Ultimately Battle:L.A. could be daring and different but goes out of its way to be generic and mediocre. They wanted to push the envelope, but they just end up licking it and sealing it in with every other alien movie.  Instead of exploring the horrors of war, the meaning of “home” when your home has just been blown up, illegal immigration, or the idea of a “justified” war, the film wallows in Sci-Fi melodrama. War, what is it good for?

According to Battle: Los Angeles, killing lots of aliens.

Californication Review: The Trial

Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, Michael Jackson. All celebrity trials that have gone down in the annals of entertainment history, yet for the media circus whirlwind and high controversy surrounding them, none were them were as electric and funny as the trial of one Hank Moody. Fastidiously pasting his hair down into a neat right-side part, Hank stands in front of his bathroom mirror, clad in a black suit and tie. “I look like a fucking FBI agent,” he bemoans, and he does, though this is the furthest from Fox Mulder David Duchovny has ever been.  After quickly floating a nervous air biscuit into the toilet, Hank gives his family a quick hug and he his whisked away to what has come to be the most important moment of his life.

At the courthouse steps, Hank runs into a startling face from the past: Bill Lewis (Damian Young), Mia’s father. This blast from the past is not exactly an actual blast, as Bill essentially tells Hank that he is going to do everything in his power to make him pay for what he did to Mia. Not the most rousing start to the day, but a mere bump in the road compared to what’s to come. After a solid opening argument from Abby (Carla Gugino), the trial is fully underway, the first witness none other than one Charlie Runkle.  Charlie is quick to be disoriented by a lengthy cross-examination from the prosecution and by the time Abby gets her chance, he does more harm than good. Unhelpful are the stories he espouses of Hank’s tendency to seek all manner of revenge, including but not limited to sleeping with the wife of the director that destroyed his novel “God Hates Us All” (from which is born the instant-classic line, “Revenge is a dish best served by my dick”), and taking a healthy dump on the hood of Bill’s car.

Things start to really nosedive when Bill is called to the stand and drops the prosecution’s biggest bomb: Hank knew Mia before they slept together. It’s a shocking turn of events, especially for Hank, who cannot recall the incident in question. Shortly after Karen left him, Hank got classically, intensely blotto and stumbled to Bill’s house where Mia found him splayed out on one of their chez lounges. Wearing a tiny bikini and large Lolita-esque heart-shaped sunglasses, coupled with Hank’s inebriation, the brief conversation he had with her could have been with a cactus for all Hank knew. Thankfully, Mia corroborates this fact before revealing that she herself was feeling vindictive about her new step-mother-to-be and wanted to find a way to make her pay. And boy, did she ever. Despite the general weakness of the prosecution’s main argument, the damage is done. “It planted the seed of doubt. That’s all that matters, Hank,” Abby stresses, furious about the information that wasn’t known to her. Equally irate is Karen, who storms past Hank with little more than a quick “Fuck You.”

“The Trial” once again shows Californication at its strongest, with the characters taking over and letting the story come from them rather than force contrivances into the narrative. True, taking a Number 2 on the hood of a car may seem completely unrealistic, but it’s not every day you get hear the phrase, “You shit on my car!” on television or anywhere else for that matter and you gotta give a show a pass for making something like that actually work. But the crown jewel in this week’s episode is the flashbacks and reminders of previous seasons’ characters and story arcs. To have the universe of a show gel together so uniformly and seamlessly, especially over the course of four years, is no small feat (I’m looking at you, Lost and Heroes). But the show does this in record time.

We leave the episode with Hank sitting in the back of a cab, contemplating whether or not to pull a Polanski. Of course this isn’t going to happen, but a larger question is what exactly is going to come of the case itself. Jail doesn’t suit the show, but rarely does Hank get away from his fuck-ups scot-free. Whatever the end-game is for the season, if they use the verdict as a cliffhanger for next year, this writer is going to be pretty moody himself…

Season 4, Episode 10: “The Trial” (originally aired March 13, 2011)

Hit rock bottom with Hank Moody on Californication, Sundays at 9 ET/PT on Showtime

Images courtesy of Jordin Althaus for Showtime

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