Review: With its Quickstep, Jive, and some Fiber, Dancing With the Stars is “Winning!”

On the second week of Dancing With the Stars, Tommy B. (Tom Bergeron, for you out of touch folk) eagerly opened the show by telling us the stars have one more chance to “dance for redemption”, as tonight’s votes will be combined with last week’s for the very first elimination of the season …. “LIIIIVEE!!!!!” Yes, Tommy brought back his “LIIIVEEE!” catchphrase, which we all know by now is just a clever way of him saying hello to me. Sort of the way that Carol Burnett used to tug on her ear to recognize her grandmother, Tommy B. uses his “LIIIVE!!!” as sort of a mating call to his favorite friendly stalker: ME! I know you are sending me the love Tommy, and I appreciate it. One day you will feel free enough to replace your secret “LIIIVE!” call with a simple and direct “Hello to kelleyiskelley on Twitter,” since that is, in fact, where we met. Okay. I sense that I am scaring you now. Therefore, I shall move on. For the moment.

Let’s talk about the Dancing With the Stars theme song for a second. Whoever wrote this little instrumental number deserves some sort of songwriting award for “Cheesiest TV Theme Song of ALL TIME!” I thought getting Rebecca Black’s “Friday” out of my head was tough; this DWTS theme keeps me awake at night with it’s endless, repetitive, addicting beat. The worst thing about having this song in your head, is that it has NO WORDS!!! So you are going around singing “da da da da da da da – da da da da DA!”, and sounding like a complete tool. I wonder if Tommy has this song stuck in his head 24 hours a day. But I digress.

Tommy had such wonderful energy at the top of the show, that the audience clapped right over Brooke Burke and whatever the heck she was saying. That’s really a good thing though, since her main purpose is to stand there and look pretty in that black rubbery sparkly dress. Let us get right to the dancing …

1. Sugar Ray / Anna:

Although Sugar Ray was knocked down during the rehearsals, his Jive was much improved from last week’s dance. He called it his “rematch”. Let’s not get carried away here buddy. It was improved, but you’re not getting any dancing scholarships just yet. Judge Len Goodman started off extra-cranky tonight; telling the audience to “talk to the hand” when they booed his critique. Bruno told “Sugar” he looked like his feet were stuck in quicksand, and Carrie Ann said the facial expressions were great, but the footwork, not so much. Brooke Burke asked the couple her FAVORITE question after receiving their scores: “How does that feel?” Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

2. Kendra / Louis:

Hugh Hefner’s Playboy girl and her partner Brillo-pad head rehearsed turning Kendra into more “of a lady.” I shall now be mature and NOT make any jokes about the Playboy mansion, Hefner, or anything of that nature. Ahem. Kendra got emotional at the thought of people thinking of her as just some sexy plaything. “That’s not who I am.” Okay, well then who are you? Alf? Nell Carter? Soupy Sales? Silly me – I thought you were “famous” for being exactly those things. I must have misunderstood. Anyhoo … the couple’s Quickstep felt very stiff (again, not making any jokes here) and tight. (Get your head out of the gutter.) It came across as if she was forcing herself to smile, and trying a bit too hard. The judges felt she did improve and gave her scores as: 7/6/6. Brooke Burke asked pointlessly: “How does that feel?”

3. Chelsea / Mark:

Disney-girl Chelsea and her partner Mark danced the Jive, and decided to completely freak me out for life by dressing as creepy MIMES!!! Mark’s eye makeup alone was enough to give me nightmares for a year straight; and Chelsea’s ragdoll, giant painted on eyelashes made me feel frightened and unsafe. Once I got over looking at their weird faces, I thought the dance itself was pretty darn good, especially for week two. Great footwork, fast-paced, and super FUN! Carrie Ann disagreed and was incredibly harsh with her: “there is a time and a place for that, and I don’t think it’s right now.” Ummm … WHAT? It was a fun dance. They didn’t murder your entire family. A time and place for that? What an overdramatic, weird comment. Relax woman. Have some fun. Grouchy old man Len Goodman thought it was “too much messing about”, while Bruno seemed to be the only non-party-pooper of the bunch, and actually enjoyed the routine. Brooke Burke put a slight spin on her usual “How do you feel?” by asking: “How do you feel …. about the risk you took there?” Ooooohhhh Brooke. Sounds like someone else is taking a little risk too with THAT probing question. Good for you! Judges Scores: 6/5/7. (I thought these were too low.)

4. Chris / Cheryl:

The WWE Wrestler and his partner Cheryl Burke focused on trying to make the Quickstep as memorable and improved as possible. Chris is quickly becoming a favorite of mine in the competition. I know nothing about wrestling, but I love his funny personality (he is also pretty cute.) This works out because my husband is in love with Cheryl, so we can both root these two on together. Jericho said he is: “terrified of Cheryl. I don’t want her to yell at me!” Well, all that yelling worked, because this was one of the best dances of the night. Clean, quick, energetic, tight, fun, and fantastic footwork. Bruno Tonioli quipped: “I like a man who responds well to strict discipline!” while Horny Carrie Ann said she liked Jericho’s “bum placement.” Whatever you say lady. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

5. Petra / Dmitry:

The model and her pro-partner danced the Jive in some strange looking outfits that I didn’t quite get (yellow top with bright red shorts). The dance was fun, cute, with some moments of nice kicks and leg-action. Of course, if I had Petra’s long legs, any leg-action is a good thing. This dance, for me, fell into the middle of the pack. Didn’t stand out, but didn’t stink either. Judges Scores: 6/6/6. That’s about right.

6. Kirstie / Maks:

Actress Kirstie Alley (my personal favorite in the cast) talked during rehearsal footage of wanting to lose 40 more pounds, and about always being insecure about her weight. She said that she needs to get comfortable with herself and she never has been, whether she was 130 pounds or 250. Kirstie figured (out loud to the cameras of course – she isn’t stupid) that the only way for her to reach this goal and beyond – is for people to send her to the finals of this show. Yes, you tell ‘em Kirstie! Put it in their heads NOW that you need to go far in this competition. When Maks told her that this week’s dance alone will probably knock off a good amount of weight, Kirstie did her best Charlie Sheen impression by exclaiming: “WINNING!” Hilarious. The dance itself , although not quite as awesome as her opening dance last week, was still very good. She is magnetic to watch. I said it last week, but she looks so very genuinely happy to be up there, and that is fun to watch. At the end of the song, Alley planted a kiss on Maks that was spur of the moment and flirty. The judges enjoyed her performance, but were not quite as excited as last week. Tommy called Len “cranky”, and the judges scores were: 7/6/7. Cranky Len gave the 6.

7. Mike / Lacey:

During rehearsal footage, Mike vowed to his partner that he would do better than his low scores showed in week one. With his radio partner Dr. Drew there in the crowd to cheer him on, Mike delivered on the improvement part of his promise. I wouldn’t say this was a stand-out dance by any means, but it was better than last time, which was pretty bad. Lacey once again looked like she just crawled out of bed, all messy-haired and grunge-like. Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

8. Romeo / Chelsie:

It is already clear that this Romeo character, who I had never even heard of until this show introduced me, is mountains above his dad; Master P. His cocky personality, however, leaves something to be desired. The rehearsal footage consisted mostly of him finding reasons to remove his shirt, show off his muscles, and repeatedly ask Chelsie to touch his chest or feel his bicep. Who are you, The Situation? Stop it already. As for the dance, it was very nice. Smooth movement, great musicality. Horny Carrie Ann got moist under the table with excitement, Bruno announced that Romeo is “the one to watch!”, and even crankypants Len called it “the best dance of the night.” (I personally thought Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke had the dance of the night – but then again, my name’s not Bruno Tonioli. Thank God.) Judges Scores: 7/8/8.

9. Wendy / Tony:

During their practices, talk-show host Wendy Williams worries out loud to partner Tony about her big boobs getting in the way. That penis of hers is another story. (In case you missed it last week, Wendy is a man. I would bet money on it. Not being mean here – just a fact. Based on opinion.) The dance itself was quite scary and intimidating. Williams was wearing a strange light pink dress with her hair up in a very old-fashioned style, which made her look like Weezy Jefferson stuck inside of a Pepto bottle. Tony had on some sort of ridiculous brown vest and beret, which made absolutely no sense with what Wendy was wearing. The whole dance was a bit messy and pointless actually, and she moves as if she is in slow-motion. While getting judged, Wendy took her gigantic man-finger and brushed it across her teeth. I have no idea why (removing lipstick I guess), but it creeped me out. I think the judges would score her lower, but they are too afraid. Scores: 6/5/6.

10. Ralph / Karina:

Last week, I was too focused on The Karate Kid’s weird Alan Thicke, frozen-in-time face to comment on his bizarre, confused hairline. I apoligize for that, and promise to keep my mocking skills at their prime in the future. Macchio brought his kids in to watch rehearsal, in order to show what a fabulous daddy he is and make the audience love him as a family man by relating to him more. (It IS a reality show after all. Emotional manipulation is what they are best at.) Ralph and Karina danced the Jive, and it was once again a total blast. Great song choice, good rhythm. Len called it a bit “frenzied”, Bruno said that Macchio is very likeable, and Carrie Ann thought it needed to be sharper. Tommy then had one word for Len and his cranky ways: “Fiber.”  Judges Scores: 7/7/7.

11. Hines / Kym:

This couple danced The Quickstep with a lot of ease, smoothness, and great posture and frame. This was a terrific dance. Horny Carrie Ann made a weird noise like: “Sssss!”, then giggled like a schoolgirl. Bruno joined her. Len rolled his eyes, and Brooke Burke said, as if reading off a cue card: “Great job you two!” Wow. Convincing. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

Elimination Show:

Bergeron and Burke began the results show by introducing a perfectly cheesy opening number performed by the pro-dancers. After that, we were treated to an hour of “filler” material to further delay and dramatically prolong the actual results of which “star” went home first. This entertainment included endless montages of the dancing pairs talking into the camera about their relationship, what it’s like to work together, and their chemistry. We also learned that Wendy Williams enjoys burping. That is really something I didn’t need to know. She/he demonstrated with a loud burp in video footage, just in case we didn’t believe her. What a lady.

Speaking of class, next up was a performance by Chris “I’m not violent!” Brown, which I didn’t pay attention to. In fact, my Mute button on the remote got a pretty good workout during this part of the program.

Finally,  the results were revealed. The bottom two couples were:

Sugar Ray and Anna / Mike and Lacey

After what I believe was the longest pause in TV history … Bergeron announced that the couple going home tonight is ……. Mike and Lacey. He softened the blow by informing them that they get to go on Jimmy Kimmel’s show tonight and meet Britney Spears! YAY!!! That makes everything better. Well Mike – good luck. We hardly knew ye. Brooke Burke left him with one last genius interview: “Well, we’ve had some good laughs. But seriously, all joking aside … ” Really? Where was the joke? There was no joke. You didn’t tell a joke. Actually, Mike left with a pretty good joke himself. When Bergeron asked him how it felt to be in the same group as other “sent home first” dancers as David Hasselhoff and Jeffrey Ross, Mike replied: “I feel like I am part of history. I am on the Mount Rushmore of terrible dancers.” Now THAT’s funny! But all joking aside Brooke ……

Did your favorite make it through? Will you miss Mike? (I didn’t even know who he was until this show.) Can you teach Brooke Burke what a joke is? Post your comments here!

Season 12, Episode 2 and 3 (originally aired March 28 and 29, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey, and Rick Rowell.