The Celebrity Apprentice Review: A Commercial Interruption

It’s the fourth week of Celebrity Apprentice, and the men are reeling from their win on the last task. Since, as Mark McGrath puts it, Gary wasn’t aware of the nature of the challenge and still isn’t to this day, none of his teammates are willing to attribute their victory to his leadership efforts. NeNe is incredulous and embarrassed that the women lost to Gary. Star lauds Niki Taylor for her graceful exit from the boardroom as the losing Project Manager, referring to her as “classy” about 83 times. Then, Star adds that she herself would never, ever, under any circumstances, “walk out on” her charity, suggesting that Niki’s self-sacrifice was a callous act of indifference toward the American Red Cross. Unfortunately, Niki’s won’t be the last incident of seppuku on the show. This week, we witness a decidedly less valiant execution of the ritual, this time with a butter knife and much equivocation. 

Before the task is introduced, we watch Gary Busey present The Center for Head Injury Services with $40,000. Since his accident years ago,he’s been praying for an opportunity to give back, he says. Gary is emotional as he hands over the money; he’s finally able to contribute something meaningful after being rehabilitated so fully and restored to a state of such healthy and balanced cognitive functioning. Who is he kidding, though? Before today, he was only praying to be able to give back one day? Gary Busey probably spends $40,000 a month on action figures and peanut butter alone, so I can’t imagine this was his one and only hope to thank the organization for their capable and precise work on his brain.

Donald Trump greets the contestants along with Greg Provenzano and Mike Cupisz of ACN, a multilevel marketing company which specializes in telecommunications. I’m not sure why the heads of what basically amounts to a pyramid scheme are welcome on this show; maybe Donald Trump is a representative in need of a few more customers to break even on his $499 startup fee. The challenge involves creating a 30-second commercial for ACN which will be judged by 450 ACN representatives on the basis of creativity, branding of ACN and the successful integration of the new video phone being advertised. The women try to force Marlee Matlin into the Project Manager position by virtue of the fact that she’s deaf and has come into contact with a video phone before. Reacting to Marlee’s hesitation, NeNe steps up to lead the team. On the men’s side, Lil Jon immediately jumps at the opportunity, emphasizing that he’s directed many music videos. Trump explains that the winning charity will receive $20,000 from the show and $20,000 from ACN.

The women convene to discuss strategy, and not having been elected Project Manager, Star immediately takes charge. Her specialized skill of asking people to think up themes for the challenge comes in handy, as it’s actually a central concern this time. Dionne demands to be put back in the recording studio for this commercial. Her desperation for a professional comeback is palpable. The concept involves Dionne recording a song while video chatting with a sound engineer in another setting via the ACN video phone. Is that how music recording works? Why would the engineer be in a remote location while the singer is sequestered in a studio somewhere else? On the men’s side, the ACN executives are advising the team on their brand. Jose Canseco, out of the blue, asks the execs if the commercial could explore communication with aliens “in a very positive, very emotional way.” Greg and Mike kind of freeze in the awkward silence that results before reminding Jose that the team’s brainstorming session should remain private. The ACN duo then heads over to the women to convince them not to “get hung up on the function” of the product but to “bring out an emotion” in their commercial. Doesn’t that just say it all?

The men powwow and throw out ideas for about two seconds before they come up with this gem: Grandma and Grandpa receive a video phone from their grandson Tommy, who is away in Latin America. Tommy would like to introduce his new fiance by calling him into the room and revealing him on-camera. But- get this- instead of a hot chick, his fiance is…a dude! Like, a real, live guy and stuff! He’s gay! The subversive hilarity of that punchline is almost too much for the men, who howl and laugh like it’s the most absurdly comical scenario anyone could ever imagine. Lil Jon talks about how “hip” the idea is, and everyone nominates Gary to play the grandfather role and Jose to be the gay fiance. Now it’s double the insanity. Jose Canseco as a gay man? The world may not be ready. John Rich voices his concern that some of ACN’s audience might not be comfortable with such envelope-pushing material, but the guys pay him no mind. They are committed to the joke, though they acknowledge that shooting such a playful, unorthodox ad is a gamble.

The women’s team has decided to scrap the Dionne-Warwick-in-a-studio idea, since it’s not emotional enough. The new script centers on a young girl abroad in Paris trying to reach her parents in the States, who miss her very much. Their ad features a big reveal as well, as Mom enters the frame toward the end. Only, the thing is…she’s deaf! The mom is deaf! Marlee will sign such things as “I love you” and “I miss you” on the video call with an intense sincerity sure to bring the audience to its knees. The women are pumped; they know this commercial is a tearjerker that will tug at all the hearts in the room. Is sign language all it takes these days? It seems that both of these commercials are brought to us courtesy of 1994, but I suppose some of these people are so out of touch as to genuinely not recognize the staleness of their concepts.

The task requires both teams to write, edit and shoot their commercials in one day, so all of the contestants scramble to assume roles and start their work. NeNe delegates diplomatically, for the most part. When LaToya complains about blurry vision and a difficulty reading small text on a page, NeNe assigns her with the task of reading small numbers on a page, keeping the schedule for the team and arranging the timeline of priorities. For whatever reason, it seems like NeNe has it out for LaToya, since she accuses the attention-seeking Jackson clan member of fakery and exaggeration. Alright, I guess it’s conceivable that LaToya would be a bit dramatic. As for the men, things are coming together effortlessly, since everyone respects Lil Jon as Project Manager. John Rich claims that Lil Jon has directed some of the best videos of all time. Really? I have a hard time imagining that John Rich has ever actually seen one of Lil Jon’s videos, considering his pearl-clutching during the discussion over their commercial.

It’s time for filming, and Gary is coming unhinged. As Lil Jon works out the shots and dialog with Meat Loaf and the camera crew, Gary inserts himself constantly with inane comments and questions. He can’t bear the thought of this young rap musician taking the reins. Gary reminds Lil Jon that he’s been working in the movie industry for 40 years and should therefore be trusted to override his opinion at his whim. Lil Jon does an impressive job of respectfully putting Gary in his place. If Gary couldn’t step up to lead when he actually had the power last week, he shouldn’t be listened to now. The women send Hope and Dionne off for props and wait ages for them to return, as Hope is looking at handbags to add to her own collection and silently wishing she still had access to Hugh Hefner’s credit cards. NeNe enjoys her role as Director, saying she’s been bitten by the directing bug and loves yelling at people to be “quiet on the set.” The filming on both teams consists of awkward overacting by the hired actors shipped to their makeshift sets on which too much time and money was spent and too little care was taken.

Ivanka visits both teams to check on their progress, and when Lil Jon tells her how risque and edgy the material is, she giggles at the prospect of male frontal nudity. Little does she know that their idea isn’t any less of a cheap gag. I’m surprised they didn’t take her suggestion and run with it. The women head to edit their masterpiece in the editing bay, but Dionne doesn’t feel the need to stick around for moral support. Since she can’t contribute anything, she’d like to go home and go to sleep. She kisses NeNe goodnight and says she’s leaving. Despite her disappointment, NeNe allows her to leave. When Donald, Jr. peeks in, he is appalled that Dionne would escape early when the rest of her team is seeing the process through to completion. To be fair, Dionne is completely useless at this point and would probably only have arbitrarily started a few arguments just to entertain herself. NeNe tells the camera that Dionne should have stuck it out like everyone else, since “nobody cares about her being a legend.” With all due respect to Ms. Warwick, I say amen.

The teams convene before their presentation to the ACN representatives. Lil Jon calls their commercial “hip” and “so cool” and “2011,” which is the polar opposite of what it is, but he thinks that if he says it enough, it’ll become true somehow, that all of the corniness will melt away under the weight of their collective oblivion. Star advises NeNe to introduce her onstage as the official presenter. NeNe practices speaking to the audience, but Star accuses her of being too seductive and sexy. NeNe is visibly offended and a bit hurt at the implication that her natural tendency is to pose and preen in a room full of men. She’s so self-conscious that she doesn’t know she’s doing it at all. Their bickering is one of the first signs of the rumored discord we’re all anxiously anticipating.

The women’s presentation goes off without a hitch, and Star delivers her speech as if she’s addressing the UN. Her applause breaks are built in perfectly, she says, and she’s so proud of herself. Their commercial is well-received; despite Marlee’s desperate scenery chewing and frantic grabbing for the audience’s heartstrings, they seem to fall for it. The men emerge for their turn, and Lil Jon runs around the stage with a brief comedy routine about how he and the two execs took shots together before the task. The white sea of ACN men is charmed and amused by Lil Jon’s skipping around and grunting before the video. The brilliant punchline- a gay Jose Canseco waving and saying “hola” on a video chat from Argentina- is met with uproarious laughter. Well, that was easy.

In the boardroom: Trump praises both teams effusively, saying that both of their ads were brilliant and fresh and so creative and so overwhelmingly beloved by the company. He compliments Lil Jon on his stage presence, calling it “natural.” Natural, like basketball and dancing? Trump reacts with profound incredulity when Richard alleges that Lil Jon was also good at the leadership and organizational aspects of the task. Trump gets the men to admit they had taken a huge risk with the subject matter. Lil Jon challenges the company to go with edgier marketing and be willing to gamble a bit.

NeNe, now knowing her team probably lost, starts to cry openly. She is working for a domestic violence charity, and she would feel awful if she didn’t earn them any money, she says. She, Marlee and LaToya all admit to having been in abusive relationships in the past. If they lose after this tearful confession, won’t that be a shame? Star points out that NeNe put her heart and her soul into this commercial, and that’s why she’s broken up about it. What’s up with these folks giving hearts away willy nilly during the challenges? The women admit a certain degree of discord among them, which leads to bickering and blaming. No one can really say anything bad about NeNe’s leadership, since she was pretty impeccable. What strikes me as absurd is the fact that LaToya is being aggressively criticized for only contributing to the team by keeping the schedule and timing the film shoot, which is a valid position to have on a set. NeNe attacks her for doing a job that her 11 year-old son could perform. I suppose NeNe has never heard of a Script Supervisor or 2nd Assistant Director?  LaToya seems to have done a fine enough job, so I don’t understand all the hate on NeNe’s part. It must be a personal vendetta.

In the end, by a 53%/47% vote, the men’s team is declared the winner, and Lil Jon will receive $40,000 for The United Methodist Children’s Home. The guys celebrate their three wins in a row outside of the boardroom while the women defend their worth. Even though Hope is pretty much invisible and no one would notice if she left, she’s safe from execution tonight. Everyone targets Dionne for her early escape from the editing bay in favor of a good night’s sleep. NeNe maintains that she wasn’t asked for permission to leave and that it’s not her job to babysit. Dionne condescends to NeNe by lying to her face and calling her “baby” a few times. If this were The Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe would be up on the table yanking at Dionne’s wig by now.

Everyone agrees that Dionne shouldn’t have left her team behind. Ms. Warwick is chagrined by the teammate hate and offers herself up for dismissal. She doesn’t want to be surrounded by women who don’t affirm her legendary status and revere her supreme knowledge at all times. She hesitantly bows out of the game before half-heartedly attempting to get Trump to consider not firing her, after all. Star says once again that she can’t imagine how people can walk out on their charities without a fight. Dionne suggests to Trump that the other women are just intimidated by her and they just had to conspire against her because of their own feelings of inadequacy. Trump fires her, and she exits swiftly, calling NeNe a coward in the hallway before backing off defensively into the elevator. NeNe demands to know what she did wrong, as she only told the truth. Dionne begs her not to “get into this” and have an unnecessary fight. I suppose if she didn’t want that to happen, she might have thought not to instigate a disagreement. It doesn’t matter. The witch is dead, and it came not a minute too soon.