American Idol Review: Collard Greens, Braces, and Lame.i.Am

What do you get after you win the title of American Idol? Well, you get collard greens, cornbread, and some cheap-ass braces, apparently. But more on that later. This week’s show began by reminding us of the high drama that came last week when the judges used their one save of the season (and rightly so) on the extremely talented Casey Abrams. But all is not lollipops and rainbows in Idol – land. This week, Seacrest reminds us, the bottom two contestants will both go home, and there are no more saves. That’s right folks! “THIIIIISSSS ….. is American Idol!”  (cue that song)

As Seacrest ran down that giant staircase and took his place on the stage, something was different about him. His hair. It was … black. And he had an extreme case of bedhead. Flat, dyed hair. Not a good look for you, Ryan. Someone needs to make a trip to the hair-and-body-product outlet. Nevertheless, with his flattened hair in place, Seacrest announced this week’s theme: the songs of Elton John. “But who is Elton John?” asked the person who lives under a rock. Good thing you asked! Please enjoy another condescending instructional video informing you of a music legend. After the schooling on Elton ended, we got to sit through makeovers and photo shoots of the contestants by Entertainment Weekly. Let us get to the performances, which were quite good this week. Mostly.

1. Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary:

“Well gee willikers! It suuure is mighty different out here in Ca-lee-for-nia! I’m just a simple country North Carolina boy! But I sure am enjoyin’ it!” Gag. That was pretty much what McDreary said in his intro montage. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But honestly, not that much. And hey, here’s another shocker! It’s Elton John week, so guess what country boy goes and does? Just guess. Go on now … guess. Yup! You’re right! He chooses a country song! SHOCKING! In fact, he chooses the ONLY country song that Elton John ever had. Ever! And can you guess what the song is called? Well, I shall tell you. It’s called … get this … “Country Comfort.” Scotty said he chose it because “it had the word country in it.” Really? You think that’s all? Nope. It gets even better. The song also talks of good ‘ole American pie and whiskey and swing sets and grandmas; and guess what? Scotty’s very sweet as pie grandma just happened to be in the audience during the taping, which means Scotty can sing a song with the word grandma in it … to his grandma!!! Can you stand it??? I know I can’t! I might just puke right here on my computer! Can we just give this low-voiced bore the title already? I’m telling you right now he IS GOING TO WIN THIS SHOW. America absolutely loves the white, boring, middle of the road, country boy who takes zero risks. Mark my words: Scotty McCreery will be your American Idol. And I say “your” because he ain’t MY Idol. I’m sticking with Jacob, Casey, James, and Lauren, in that order. Oh right … back to McDreary. He did sing a song, after all. With his guitar. In the low-voice. With the twang. And just for kicks, he added a wonderful “Love you grandma!” just to secure that vote. I don’t know what else to say about this kid anymore. Honestly. It’s the exact same thing every single week, and nobody seems to mind that. I don’t understand.

2. Naima Adedapo:

In speaking about Elton John’s style in her opening introduction video, Naima said: “He was flashy, he was funky.” Was? What’s with the past tense? He ain’t DEAD! Anyway, Naima (unlike some people) took a big risk and totally recreated “I’m  Still Standing” as a Reggae song. Randy and J.Lo didn’t think the song worked. (Steven Tyler also had a comment, but it was the jibberish of a stoned child who had just been hit in the head with a heavy brick.) I sort of disagree. I was kind of digging it. Very cool arrangement, and I like her fresh take on songs and rhythms. I will say, though, that all I could think about while she was up there this time were those commercials: “Come to the island of Jamaica….”

3. Paul McDonald:

I used to call him Guy Smiley, the muppet game-show host from Sesame Street. I am still going to call him that, because his giant toothy smile reminds me of that character. But this week, he also reminded me of Mr. Keaton from Family Ties. If Mr. Keaton wore a horrendous white suit that puked red flowers. Paul and his ’70s pimp suit sang “Rocket Man” with his usual “I only pronounce vowels” style. I am not quite sure how to define this performance. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad. It was just odd. Steven Tyler, talking out of his sweaty mouth, said: “I like the character you are playing where sometimes you hit the notes and other times you don’t.” Character? Whaaaa??? Steven – I have an idea. Go home and take a nice long nap. Maybe for about a week. Then come back to the show, all nice and refreshed. Perhaps then you will make sense.

4. Pia Toscano:

This chick loooves to blow kisses into the camera, a la Marilyn Monroe. She did it again during her introduction video. I hate this. It annoys me. Then, while singing ANOTHER BALLAD of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” she did that other thing that annoys me with her arms, like she is hugging the air in front of her. She reminds me of Evita in that famous balcony scene where she is singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” – and her arms and hands are in front of her. These are the kinds of things you notice – someone’s hand movements – when they aren’t feeling the songs. Still no emotion for me. Gorgeous voice, beautiful sound. But she does nothing for me because I don’t feel anything coming from inside her. Every time she is up there, I feel like she should be singing her song from a huge float in the Macy’s Day Parade. That is the vibe I get from her. Every. Single. Time. J.Lo loved it and told her that next time she should go out and “pick up your leg, stomp it on the floor!” Again … WHAT??? What is she, a dog? What is up with the judges’ comments this week? That doesn’t even make any sense.

5. Stefano Langone:

I am ready for this dude to go home. I hate the way Seacrest says his name, overpronouncing it like he’s a member of “The Sopranos.” His long eyelashes are very girly, his left eyebrow forms a triangle at the top, and if you look at his face long enough, he starts to oddly resemble Michael Jackson. Anyway, he sang “Tiny Dancer,” and his performance style was more like Tony Danza. CHEESEY! At the end, he went down to the judges’ table and took J.Lo’s hand. She gushed. Gag. Then she told him that he really connected with the audience this time by “keeping his eyes open.” Double gag. Seriously? THAT’S his big achievement? He can keep his freakin’ eyes open while singing? Well, hell, I can do that! Put me on TV!

6. Lauren Alaina:

This girl sometimes seems dumb as rock salt, but I really like her, and can she ever sing. Her song choice was “Candle in the Wind,” which I was all set up to hate, because I don’t like that song and have heard it about 1,500 times too many. But I liked it. A lot. Her phrasing was terrific, and she has one of those voices that I could just listen to for hours. She actually reminds me a lot of Alison Krauss, who is one of my very favorite voices. This performance was simple, honest, and emotional. It was great. Steven Tyler had a hilarious line with: “You keep singing like that, and you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress!” Ba-dum-bum. Thank you folks. Steven will be here all week. Enjoy the veal, and don’t forget to tip your waiters.

7. James Durbin:

Someone please just buy me a ticket or twelve to this guy’s future concert tour, cuz I’m a fan. Not only does James have an amazing rock voice with killer range, but his raw stage presence and endless energy is simply astounding and addicting to watch. He was all over that stage, and OFF it. Running into the audience, sprinting down stairs, on his knees, on his back, standing atop the piano … the kid knows how to put on a show. He is so fun. Oh, and did I mention the piano WAS ON FIRE??? Epic.

Awkward moment:

Seacrest: “What was the scariest part of that performance, James? Was it the flaming piano?”

James: “It was my hair. It was so spiked up with hairspray, I was afraid with that fire, I might have a Pepsi moment.” (referring to the Pepsi video in 1984 where Michael Jackson’s hair caught on fire.)

(Awkward silence.)

Seacrest: “Actually, this show is sponsored by Coca-Cola.”

Right, because THAT is the point to bring up there in reply to what James just said. Not “Hey, you know, Michael Jackson is DEAD!!! Might be a good idea to lay off the Pepsi hair-on-fire references right now in case his family is watchin. Just sayin.” Good Ryan. Go with the Coca-Cola thing instead. Douche.

8. Thia Bore-Gia:

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9. Casey Abrams:

He now looks like a mix of Animal from The Muppets, Seth Rogen, Santa Claus, and a Cabbage Patch Kid. Whatever he resembles, I love this kid. In fact, I love him even more after his “best reaction of all time to getting saved on Idol” – and this week, he was the same lovable Casey, now with less beard! “Your Song” was the choice, and it was one of the highlights of the show. Restrained, emotional, tender, and so very sweet. I just felt like hugging him. I want to buy him sweaters and go to the mall together for ice cream. The judges adored it as well, and were extremely happy they saved him.

10. Jacob Lusk:

The song choice was “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word,” but Lusk was more familiar with the version by Mary J. Blige, and guess what? She happened to be in the building that day, and out of nowhere dropped into the studio to say hello to Lusk and company. What are the chances of that happening, producers? As usual, Jacob’s song was incredible. The notes and the emotion just pour out of him. He is insanely talented.

11. Haley Reinfart:

Well, this is the performance everyone is talking about, apparently. “Bennie and the Jetts.” I did like it. A lot. It was miles above ANYTHING that Haley has done before this. It was jazzy, bluesy, raw, and gutsy. On this song, the girl finally got it together and knocked it out of the park. She still looked like a drunk puppet on strings who has to pee, but this time, it worked! Judges loved it, and Randy called it the performance of the night. Tyler mumbled something about cake. J.Lo batted her eyelashes at Stefano backstage.

The Double-Elimination Results Show:

If last week’s results show was filled with shocking, surprise moments, then this week’s results show theme had to be “WTF?” There is a lot to cover here, so let’s get started …

Seacrest warned us all again about the dire circumstances: that two contestants would be going home instead of just one. Before all of that though, the show decided, just for kicks, to group some contestants together to perform some fun songs. First up was a duet by Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery. The song was “I Told You So” and I was SHOCKED by how much I loved this performance. Their voices melted together perfectly, and somehow Scotty seems a lot more tolerable when part of a duet. I would download this on iTunes in a second. In fact, I think I will.

Next up was another one of those insipid “Ford Music Videos.” This one was called “Kryptonite.” The plot revolved around a sort of superhero spoof where Naima and Haley had to get away from ….. OH, WHO THE HELL CARES??? Nobody, that’s who. These videos are so embarrassing to watch week after week. Even the Brady Bunch kids would watch these and go: “Dude, that was totally lame.”

Our next duet was Naima Adedapo and Jacob Lusk singing Ashford and Simpson’s “Solid.” They should have called it “!” I don’t even want to talk about it. It depresses me.

Besides, the performance that came next was sooo off the wall and “WTF???” that it truly deserves its own separate article. I am speaking, of course, about Fantasia. As you might know, Fantasia Barrino was the season 3 American Idol winner. So one would think that she could afford proper clothing and accessories for a singing appearance on a national television show, right? Wrong! Let’s start at the top and go down. There is simply too much to cover in this trainwreck of an ensemble. When I first looked at her hair, I thought that perhaps I was high, or that I MUST have tripped on acid and just not remembered. There is simply no other explanation for that hairstyle. It is almost impossible to explain. (Please, for the Love of God, post a picture of Fantasia in her getup in this article for reference.) [As you wish. - AlanaD.] In the front, the hair was piled atop her head in a giant loop, almost as if she had ONE gigantic hot roller in her hair, and then took it out. In the back, it was all shaved off and looked like a boy. The earrings were something, literally, out of a gumball machine or Cracker Jacks box. There is no way in hell that she paid more than 99 cents for those sad-ass earrings. And her giant mouth? Full of braces. Hey, when’s a good time to go out and get a mouthful of metal? I know, I know! Right before a national tv appearance? CORRECT!

What the hell happened to this woman? She WON the show! She was the winner! How did she end up looking like a disheveled, rolled out of bed, WTF science experiment on the very show where she gained her fame? It just doesn’t make any sense. Where did all that money go? Where on earth did she buy that horrible dress that didn’t fit? Seriously. Did she go to Conway? K-Mart? Costco? Bradlees? Marshalls? I can keep on going here. Sam’s Club? Rave? A flea market? Yard sale? The town dump? This bright red sparkly creation was so tacky-looking, she looked like a walking tablecloth. Worst of all, it did not fit her body at ALL. Way too tight, and stuff hanging out in all the wrong places. Now listen – I am not a skinny person by any means. Which is why I would never in a million years be caught in a dress that showed off my giant sausage thigh or highlighted my ginormous ass. Honestly, that dress looked like it would split open any second, revealing Fantasia parts all over that stage. Not pretty.

We haven’t even discussed her song choice. Are you ready for this? Because if you didn’t see it with your own eyes, I don’t think you would believe it. The level of tackiness and bizarre factor were so high, it was off the charts. The name of the song was “Collard Greens and Cornbread.” Yes, you did hear that right. Collard Greens. Cornbread. No racist comments necessary here, as Fantasia has already made them all by singing THAT on national television, in that sad-ass outfit. She sang these ridiculous lyrics about “you’re my sweet potato pie” and such, and the hilarious part was all of her grand-standing to the crowd, as if everyone was behind her with this deep inspirational message. “Up top! Up top!” she yelled out to the crowd – no one responding. What a horrific song, with ridiculous lyrics. My favorite part was when Seacrest asked her if she had any advice for the current contestants about the show and stardom, and she went off on this endless rant about trusting the wrong people and staying true to yourself and yadda yadda yadda. Seacrest did his best to get her moving along, and as she exited, her trainwreck too-tight dress clung to her body, and right up by her neckline, you could see her tag sticking out. Classy.

After that unexplainable trainwreck was over, the camera showed another former winner, Season 8′s Kris Allen, who was sitting in the audience pointlessly watching. I guess we needed to be reminded that he exists. So, there’s that.

Now, if you thought that watching Fantasia was awful, you haven’t SEEN awful until you have seen the entertainment stylings of Jamie Foxx (or “Mr. Foxx,” as he refers to himself on his awful ego-maniac radio show), and will.i.am (just typing that stupid name makes me violently angry. will.i.am??? That’s what you’re calling yourself? Really? Shut up.) There are not that many people in life more annoying and obnoxiously pompous than these two asses. Jamie Foxx – that’s with two x’s because he is special – is one of the most self-centered tools on the planet.  This guy is the most unfunny self-proclaimed comedian I have ever seen. His buddy, douche.i.am, is even more grating. Together, they performed a duet that was just a really bad commercial for their new movie Rio. Whatever they were doing onstage was, I guess, supposed to be some form of music, but it just looked like a giant mess to me. They both look around like they are doing everyone a favor by merely existing. Entertained.i.am.Not. Their stupid number consisted of Foxx singing/rapping (honestly, it just sounded like he was talking in a monotone voice which is neither singing NOR rapping, so I don’t really know what to call it other than bad), and tool.i.am joining in for Ego-Circle-Jerk 2011.

And finally …

The results.

“Dim the Lights. Here we go…..” (this is also what Seacrest says every night right before pleasing himself while watching his hosting performance of that week’s Idol).

Going home: Thia Megia and Naima Adedapo.

Or, as they call themselves, thia.i.am and naima.i.am ….

I liked Naima, but I am okay with these results. Anyone care to wager with me that McDreary wins the whole shebang?

Need more Idol? Read “The Feminine Mystique” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 22-23: Top 11 Redux & 2 voted off (originally aired March 30-31, 2011)

Read more American Idol opinions here.