American Idol Review: The Feminine Mystique

As to be expected, this week’s edition of American Idol failed to match the levels of manipulative melodrama unleashed last week. Our friends at FOX surely knew it’d be hard to top the now-legendary Saving Of Casey, but tried their darnedest to keep as many eyeballs fixated on the Idols’ follow-up foibles as possible.  Choosing an Elton John theme for Wednesday’s performances was a step in the right direction toward keeping things interesting, but unfortunately the mind-numbing antics of Thursday’s results show negated any continued progress. Seacrest keeps warning us about the lack of second chances in this post-save Idol world, but for some ungodly reason will.i.am keeps getting chance, after chance, after chance to continue non-singing his non-music on this allegedly music-oriented singing show. God bless America.

As for Seacrest, his curious, side-parted haircut and double-breasted suit jacket Wednesday night makes me wonder if it’s school picture day at Idol. Indeed, Paul’s wearing his signature rose-embroidered suit, AGAIN, and I decide he’s only been pretending to be pointedly ironic about his penchant for this costume.  It’s simply his favorite outfit, that’s all. We’re reminded for the umpteenth time that Casey’s save means TWO – that’s TWO! – contestants are going home this week, sadly neither of which will be will.i.am. Iovine, meanwhile, continues his patronizing Cliffs Notes lesson on the background of tonight’s featured artist, Elton John. Turns out, this guy’s been famous for, like, decades. Whoa, AND he’s got a British accent!

Teflon Scotty has got his shtick down so pat, he may eventually join Jennifer Hudson in the Idols-with-Oscars club. While I have no doubt he really is a good ol’ country boy at heart, the shrewd realization of his own popularity now has Scotty nearly parodying himself as he marvels at the difference between the glitz of Hollywood and the familiarity of home in North Carolina. After managing to dust off the only country song in Elton John’s entire oeuvre, Scotty gee-whizzes his way through yet another 90-second money shot for all the yokels back home, even including a shout-out to Grandma mid-chorus. Genius. Grandma, beaming from the audience, is tickled pink. Frankly, so am I. Even Iovine acknowledges Scotty may be a one-trick-pony, but says, “it’s one of the best tricks I’ve ever seen a 17-year-old do.” Not only does the song, the apt “Country Comfort,” resemble none of the characteristics often attributed to Elton John, Scotty performs it so ably even Randy admits it could be a track on Scotty’s debut album. If he doesn’t title it Nuts of Wonder, I’ll absolutely pretend he did.

Scotty’s tendency to adhere so closely to his narrowly defined image couldn’t differ more from Naima’s performance decisions, as she again veers in a different direction to give “I’m Still Standing” a rather bewildering reggae spin. While simply threading a Caribbean vibe into the arrangement would have been an admirably artistic move, Naima’s unfortunate Jamaica, Mon! accent is pure, gimmicky overkill. Who told her that was a good idea? Probably Iovine, who also encourages a PSA spin on top of the disaster, convincing Naima to preface the performance with a dedication to “oll the people out dere still stonding.” The whole thing sounds like a muzak version of the Cool Runnings theme to me, but the closest thing to criticism offered is Randy’s admission that the performance was “corny,” and J. Lo’s theory that “some songs aren’t meant to be flipped.” Tyler once again proves useless, praising Naima for “choosing a song that fit.” Too bad the fake accent was a couple sizes too big. Nice knowing you, Naima – lata mon!

Paul is beginning to understand he needs a moment of triumph on this show, and he needs it badly. Iovine warns Paul his charming choppers are only going to score him toothpaste commercials before too long, unless he steps up his game and really tries to win over his audience. Luckily, Paul wisely chooses one of Elton’s most iconic songs, “Rocket Man,” and is able to again perform with his guitar, in lieu of his signature stage trample. While Paul has yet to live up to his original hype, it’s his best performance yet in the finals; his experience as a performer has always been evident, but this week I detect actual emotion conveyed through his singing. He keeps his voice so subtle, he actually whispers the last word of the song, a tactic I’m not sure was intentional. Randy and J. Lo are mildly happy with Paul’s performance, but think he’s holding back intensity that I fear they’re inventing. This is just what he sounds like, guys – if he could belt a glory note like Durbin or Jacob, I’m sure he would have by now. Tyler wryly asks if Paul’s “been watering that suit,” since it appears to be in fuller bloom than before. Heh! Tyler also claims to enjoy the “character” in Paul’s voice, and essentially uses this as an excuse to justify pitch imperfections that are apparently Tyler’s “cup of tea.” Just keep smiling, Paul, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Pia’s quickly becoming her own Idol-by-numbers game, as both her song choice and stage persona are even more predictable than Scotty’s. Her version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” is technically flawless and her voice is aces, as usual, but girlfriend needs to learn more about stage presence than reliably standing at the mic and looking purty. She claims in the pre-performance interview to be an “emotional and passionate person,” while Iovine describes her as a hybrid of Fergie and Axl Rose. Huh? Why we’re not witnessing a shred of these qualities remains a mystery, but J. Lo says she can feel Pia “trying to break the barrier” that keeps her from taking full advantage of the stage. From what I can tell, her precarious-looking stiletto heels are likely keeping her position static, but I don’t sense any wardrobe changes in Pia’s immediate future. Tyler commends Pia for offering a performance akin to “a complete and full sentence,” something we’re all waiting for Tyler to offer us himself.

It’s a given during Elton John week that the sing-a-long glory of “Tiny Dancer” will make an appearance, but I’d been hoping for a singer with pipes a bit more seasoned than eager-beaver Stefano’s. While pitch and key, thankfully, aren’t his primary problems, Stefano’s been criticized in the past for lacking a connection to his material and audience. His decided remedy this week is to keep his eyes open, hold J. Lo’s hand, and sing the last line of the song about six inches from her face. Miraculously, this actually works and the judges all praise Stefano for finally “moving the crowd.” Meanwhile, said crowd – those outside the confines of J. Lo’s space bubble, that is – remain firmly planted in their seats. I, however, decide it’s a good time to investigate the contents of my fridge.

I honestly wish I could get past Lauren Alaina’s nauseating personality and enjoy her performances strictly for the impressive vocals she admittedly offers. Really, I do. Her version of “Candle in the Wind” is polished, pretty and surprisingly watchable, in spite of the sweeping arm gestures ripped straight out of the Pia Toscano playbook. Unfortunately, Lauren possesses the ability to talk as well as sing, and her ranking slips right back down to eye-rolling territory as soon as a spoken word escapes her lips. After the requisite fawning from J. Lo and Randy, Tyler provides some merciful comic relief, telling Lauren and her confusing mullet gown that if she “keeps singing like that, [she’ll] be able to afford the rest of that dress.” Bliss. Lauren’s unprecedented silence afterward makes all of Tyler’s preceding nonsensical, rambling Tylerisms wholly worthwhile.

James Durbin could teach Pia a thing or two about utilizing one’s performance space. While she needn’t scurry Durbin-like across every open aisle in the studio, James’ ability to incorporate all possible props and set pieces with his physically exhaustive performance is certainly something to behold. At least someone’s moving around like an actual rock star. James’ vocals during “Saturday Night’s Alright” (the not-so “all right” grammar error is Elton’s, not mine – blasphemy!) are impressively intact, considering how much he’s running amok. Despite most of the lyrics involving a repetitive chant of “Sat-ur-day! Sat-ur-day!” it’s a rousing song fit for a rousing performance. Oh, and the piano bursts into flames. J. Lo is so impressed she forgot she was judging a contest, while Randy says he can tell James is genuinely enjoying himself on stage. When James remarks that he worried about his Aqua-Netted hair catching fire and causing a “Pepsi moment,” Seacrest predictably douses the energy with his feeble reminder that Idol is “actually sponsored by Coke.” Oh, Seacrest, don’t get your panties in a twist.

For crying out loud, Idol! We all know Thia’s the youngest contestant. WE KNOW. Her youth really shows, however, when she compares the genuine loss and despair within the lyrics of Elton John’s “Daniel” to the complete and utter tragedy of her brother leaving for college. Groan. As usual, Thia proves herself a master class in highlighting the contradiction between her age and musical instincts. She manages to exhibit zero relatability and contemporary flair, in spite of performing a song with deep emotional resources. What else is new? Tyler politely tells Thia she “sang a great Elton John song well.” Helpful.

Casey gets my vote for best song choice, primarily because the swoon-worthy “Your Song” simply cannot warrant any extraneous growls or angry stares, regardless of the arrangement. Quite simply, Casey will have to actually sing this week and not rely on any backup scatting skills or goofy-dude antics. To help commemorate the occasion, the Idolatry sends Casey to the barber, where he gets perhaps the most anti-climactic beard trim in history. With his scruff sufficiently spruced, Casey finally offers the performance I know I’ve been waiting for from him throughout the finals. It’s uncharacteristically quiet, sweet and simple, yet completely Casey – a perfect way to bookend the chaotic melodrama from last week. Despite a cringe-worthy bum note at the beginning and a quickly-corrected furrowed brow near the end, Casey wisely performed exactly what and how he should have. The judges decide to spend most of their critique congratulating themselves for saving such a dynamic contestant. For the record, J. Lo “slept like a baby” after saving Casey. Whew! After learning that pertinent info, hopefully I can finally catch a good snooze, too.

Somehow, I’d missed any earlier reference to Jacob being from Compton. Compton?! I’d have sooner guessed he grew up at the South Pole. Jacob’s performing “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word,” an Elton John ditty made famous in Jacob’s world by the fabulous Mary J. Blige, who released a worthy cover back in 2004. After a clip of Jacob gushing over Mary J., guess who just happens to swing by the studio during his recording session? Jacob manages to narrowly escape cardiac arrest just in time to deliver yet another show-stopping performance. Jacob’s ability to toe the line between heartfelt and over-the-top is uncanny, and the fact he’s yet to make me wince with his divatude only illustrates his genuine prowess. I mean, I find the mere sound of Lauren’s speaking voice intolerable, yet Jacob’s fog machine and quivering bottom lip somehow don’t strike me as excessive or indulgent. The judges are impressed, too. J. Lo marvels at Jacob’s magnificent last note, winking, “You don’t see that every day,” while Tyler liked the first half of the song. And the second, apparently. Insightful. Randy wanted Jacob to find his zone before the last note and recommends he deem a pivotal point in any song he performs his “Jacob spot.”

I suppose it might just be her turn, but someone decided it was a good idea to let Haley close the show with one of Elton John’s cheesier hits, “Bennie and the Jets.” This formula seems ripe for disaster to me, and the opening shot of Haley draped across the piano doesn’t help. Maybe Jacob should perch up there instead. While Haley’s vocals are significantly more controlled and precise than usual, even impressive in parts, her unwieldy clumsiness onstage is still awkward and difficult to watch. If I avert my eyes, the performance is a wholehearted success, but as soon as I take another peek at the screen and glimpse Haley swinging her arms like an orangutan, it all falls apart for me. The judges (and the producers, clearly) have decided Haley is now on their good side, and try to make up for the first week or two of finals when she seemingly couldn’t do anything right. J. Lo excitedly announces “This is IT, Haley!” while Randy doles out his coveted “Best performance of the night!” verdict. Maybe if I were blindfolded, Dawg. Tyler had apparently maintained a fixed gaze, as he slyly lets Haley know she “sings sexy.” Gross.

Thursday’s results show dutifully tries to live up to its superior predecessor, but even Seacrest’s half-assed promise that we won’t BELIEVE who’s going home feels even more transparent and forced than usual. I have a feeling I’ll accept tonight’s fate rather easily, and perhaps even get a wink or two even J. Lo would envy. Something this week has that last week doesn’t, however, is 55 million votes to its credit, about half of which, I ascertain, were for Casey.

While I prepare myself for the onslaught of will.i.am’s completely unwarranted return to the Idol stage (wasn’t this guy JUST HERE?), I make note of my predictions that Naima, Thia and Stefano’s butts will hit the stools of doom, with Naima and Stefano taking a hike. While I can’t mentally formulate a possible voting demographic for Small Wonder Megia, I’m just not sure her time is up yet. There are just too many songs whose emotional integrity she has yet to render inert.

In lieu of a surely lobotomizing group medley this week, we’re instead treated to small brackets of Idol duets, trios and quartets prior to the results announcements. Lauren and Scotty, up first, prove a heavenly vocal matchup, singing “I Told You So” like a couple of pros; this even rivals Paul and Kendra’s flawless cover of “Blackbird” during the Vegas round. As for Lauren and Scotty’s Idol futures, Seacrest wisely averts the suspense and announces they’re both safe. Duh.

Unfortunately, while the group sing has been mercifully axed this week, we’re still forced to endure the requisite Ford music video. This one involves the Idols having superpowers, none of which have any effect on my nonexistent intent to purchase a Ford.

Durbin shows off the frighteningly ornate WWE championship belt an undoubtedly mentally ill fan made for him, and America delights in watching Seacrest struggle to lift it. Heh. Then, Naima and Jacob team up on a painfully lame rendition of “Solid.” Jacob is deemed safe, while Naima practically heads for the stools before Seacrest instructs her to.

Fantasia offers a heaping spoonful of puzzling oddity during her performance of her new single, “Collard Greens and Cornbread.” I cautiously interpret the title and content as a double entendre, serving as both a metaphorical reference to the comforting nature of a relationship, and simply, perhaps, an ode to soul food. I could be off my rocker, but the startling lyrics “I never take BS from anyone/but I take it from you/ain’t that some love” makes me hope Fantasia isn’t calling this bozo her “sweet potato pie” anymore. Yikes. I’m infinitely glad when this bizarre spectacle is over, for more reasons than my tenuous tact allows.

Haley, Pia and Thia offer up a sad rendition of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” in which Haley forgets the words, Thia is relegated to back-up singer, and Pia seems maniacally desperate to prove she can do an uptempo song. Of the three, little Thia is predictably exiled to Naima’s corner.

Seacrest pretends all buildings in L.A. leak when it rains, in a weak attempt to explain why the Idols are whisked to an undisclosed location when their pristine Beverly Hills manse turns out to be a poorly insulated shithole. My studio apartment in the Valley, meanwhile, remains dry and toasty, thankyouverymuch.

Paul, Stefano, James and Casey team up for “Band on the Run,” and Paul gets things off to a wobbly start. All four guys are playing instruments, including Stefano on keyboards, and they finally hit their stride by the second chorus. It’s the second best group performance of the night next to Scotty and Lauren, but given the competition, that isn’t exactly a compliment. My third and final results prediction hits a snag when Stefano is deemed safe along with James and Casey, and PAUL and his unfaltering grin are on the chopping block.

Before the double elimination can be announced, of course, Jamie Foxx and will.i.am interrupt with breaking news. Apparently, they just want to live their lives and party, you guys. They just want to be free and rock their bodies, okay? I know this, because they just told me by way of an offensively awful excuse for music that is apparently featured in the upcoming children’s film Rio. God.

After that revolting display, even Seacrest looks about as ready to jump in front of a bus as I do. Let’s not waste any more time, shall we? Instead of announcing the rejects one by one, Seacrest actually keeps it simple by merely announcing Paul as safe, making Naima and Thia our two sacrificial lambs this week. Stefano lives to chirp another day, while Naima at least has the security of the Idol tour to keep her from going back to janitorial duties. Thia, we hardly knew ye, but that’s because you never spoke.  Stay tuned for next week, when the Top 9 take on songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Do you think Scotty will find the one country song with the word “country” in the title ever inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Do any of the girls even stand a chance this season? Does Steven Tyler sleep in a hyperbaric chamber? Post your Idol thoughts below!

Need more Idol? Read “Collard Greens, Braces, and Lame.i.Am” by Kelley Lynn.

Season 10, Episodes 22 – 23: 11 Finalist Compete Again and 2 of 11 Voted Off (originally aired March 30 – 31, 2011)

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