Review: Dancing With the Stars Comes Alive with Bach, Jennifer Hudson, and A Broken Shoe

What do Brooke Burke, Tom Bergeron, and Bach all have in common? Well, other than the “B” in their names, they were all prominently featured on this week’s Dancing With the Stars. Yes, that’s right folks. It’s “classical week!” This is something new to the show this season, and it came complete with a live and very impressive 46 piece orchestra, as well as some incredible instrumental by David Garrett, the fastest violinist in the world. Perhaps the most beautiful part of the whole shebang was the gorgeous soprano voice of Katherine Jenkins, who transformed the glittery ballroom into something out of an elegant …… well ……. ballroom. Each pair danced to either the Paso Doble, Waltz, or Viennese Waltz. And this all happened “LIIIIVEEEEEE!!!” (Tommy, I hear you. And I am saying hello right back at ya.)

1. Romeo / Chelsie:

Why on earth does this man constantly feel the need to show off his various body parts to his partner, and to all of America during their rehearsal footage? We get it dude; you have perfect pecs … and abs … and biceps … and a smooth chest. Once again, he practically forced his muscular arms onto poor Chelsie, instructing her to “feel it.” Very annoying. He also informed us, during this rehearsal footage, when discussing the judges harsh criticisms, that “no one here is professional dancers.” Really? No shit! Isn’t that kind of the entire premise of the show? I think we are all aware of that, but thank you for pointing out the obvious.  As for their Paso Doble, it was fantastic. The dance had all the right amounts of drama, intensity, and perfect musicality. Judges Scores were: 7/8/8, and Brooke Burke wanted to know: “How does that feel?”

2. Kendra / Louis:

Once again, our playboy Playmate/stripper/Hugh Hefner plaything is all freaked out because she has to do something besides be a stripper, and appear “ladylike and proper” for classical week. Instead of attempting this, she comes to the conclusion that she is “screwed” (I perhaps would have worded that differently, but whatever), and rolls her eyes in frustration. I am sorry, but this woman HAS to be related to that obnoxious “Kate Plus Eight” woman. They have the same exact non-expression, blank face, and the same whiny, “I am a victim” attitude that drives me NUTS! One second, this chick is crying about how “everyone sees me as only a stripper and I am more than that …waaah!” and in the next second, she is bitching and moaning how she can’t possibly BE anything else, like elegant or proper. You can’t have it both ways, woman! Make up your mind already and stop your bellyachin’ and DANCE. Isn’t that why you’re here? Enough with the eye-rolling every time someone asks you to do anything besides just stand there. After the mediocre dance to the beautifully sung “Time to Say Goodbye”, Carrie Ann tried to give Kendra some advice by telling her that she doesn’t need to be afraid of being elegant and she rolled her eyes again and said in a snotty tone: “I’m not afraid, I just don’t CARE about it.” Well then go home. Your attitude stinks. Judges Scores: 6/6/6.

Back at the Hugh Hefner Mansion:

Hugh watched the show while receiving an oil and mayonnaise rubdown from two 21 yr. old twin girls named Candy. He then ate his nightly diet of kale juice , oatmeal, and canned peaches, and was all tucked in once again by 10:15pm. As he slept, the twin girls lightly blow-dried the wrinkles out of his ball-sac.

3. Sugar Ray / Anna:

Dancing to “The Waltz of the Flowers” from The Nutcracker, Sugar Ray had a bit of an issue with timing and musicality, but overall, it was an adorable, if not perfectly executed dance. The judges enjoyed the “cartoonish” entertainment, and found Sugar Ray to be charming and fun to watch. Judges Scores were: 7/7/7. Brooke Burke commented that these were the “highest scores so far tonight!” No they weren’t, dummy. Romeo’s were.

4. Petra / DMitry:

In watching this performance, I was way more into the beautiful singing and orchestra than I was into watching them dance, so I guess that doesn’t say too much for how it was. Or maybe it’s just me. Petra looked angry and somewhat constipated; and the most exciting part of the dance was the part where Bruno started stripping during his judging comments. Len’s face was priceless. Judges Scores: 8/7/8

5. Ralph / Karina:

I finally figured out who confused hairline Karate Kid looks like. It’s part Alan Thicke mixed with part Hawkeye  (Alan Alda) AND Klinger from MASH (Jamie Faar.) Now that I know this, I can rest easier while watching him. Their dance was to Romeo and Juliet, and it was a gorgeous, flowing, heartbreaking Waltz. Excellent storytelling, and very real emotion. Definitely my favorite dance of the night, by far. Judges agreed with scores of 8/8/9, and Burke asked them “how does that feel?”

6. Hines / Kym:

In this dance, my husband appreciated the lack of dress that Kym was wearing, while I enjoyed the great holds, rhythms, and … you know … dancing. This was an excellent job by the couple, with Len calling Hines the “most determined” contestant in the competition. The judges scores of 9/8/8 seemed a bit low, as the audience started booing the presence of Sarah Palin in the ….. oh, wait. Never mind. Wrong season.

7. Chelsea / Mark:

Dancing the Viennese Waltz; this couple displayed some very gutsy choreography and some advanced technical dance moves. Chelsea reminds me in every single way of actress Cameron Diaz, and sometimes that annoys me. However, this is not to say anything negative about her. She is a very good dancer, one of the strongest of this season. While Len did not like the “nontraditional” take on the dance, Bruno called it the best “technical dance” of the night. Judges Scores: 9/8/9. When Brooke Burke called them over to her, she said: “come on over here, you crazy kids!” It was awkward.

8. Chris / Cheryl:

In this Tarzan-themed Paso Doble, Jericho got to kill Cheryl Burke at the end of the dance, which he seemed to really enjoy. Great costumes, great connection, and excellent chemistry. Len said that the music conquered Chris, while the other judges disagreed. My husband said : “Cheryl is hot.” Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

9. Kirstie / Maks:

Their rehearsal footage started out by informing us of a hip-injury that Kirstie has, which was hurting her while practicing the dance steps. The good news? Her hip was fine during the dance, although she danced this week with an exaggerated sense of caution, as if she was expecting to come unglued at any moment. She was fine. Her shoe, on the other hand, randomly fell off in the middle of the dance. Backstage with Burke, Kirstie asked: “Does anybody’s shoe fall off???”, and seemed shocked by her own string of weird luck. Judges Scores: 7/7/8.  To vote for Kirstie and Maks: call 911 …..

Elimination Show:

The beautiful voice of Jennifer Hudson was used throughout the live results show this week, as the pro dancers showed off their talents with several energetic dance numbers.

Going home this week was Sugar Ray Leonard. This was a tad surprising, seeing how his dance was received so well by the judges and the audience, and his scores were very high. I really wish that Playboy woman would have gone home instead. Hugh Hefner is getting lonely. And gassy.

Season 12, Episode 6 and 7 (originally aired April 11 and 12, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, and Adam Larkey.