Review: On Dancing With the Stars, Kirstie Falls and Chuckles Gets a New Heart

At the top of this week’s Dancing With the Stars, the wonderful Tom Bergeron warned us of the emotional roller coaster that was about to take place over the next 2 hours. Did Brooke Burke finally come up with another question to ask the dancing pairs besides: “You just got a score of minus 7. How does that feel?” No. Of course she didn’t. Don’t be silly. Tommy B. was referring to “Personal Story” Week on DWTS. What is that, you ask? Well, it’s something that the show made up, in order to create the largest amount of unstable emotional drama humanly possible.  We want these dancers in TEARS, dammit! To accomplish this, each star chose a song that they felt told a personal story of an important moment in their lives. Now, even though I was expecting more crying than dancing this week with this theme, I was surprised and even disappointed with some of the bizarre song choices these “stars” made to share their stories. And in my mind, if some of you are going to make such lame choices, then you deserve to get made fun of by me. I am not above it. So here we go. Without further adieu; let’s dance …

1. Wendy / Tony:

Of all the things Williams could have shared about herself, she went with the boring “who cares” tale of how she got into radio and media. Rehearsal footage showed Wendy talking about the old, struggling days when she used to live in her car (who are you, Jewel?) and had very little money. Really? This is your personal story? Yawn! The couple told this tale by having Wendy gussied up in a horrific blue dress and a bad wig while dancing the Foxtrot to “Last Night A D.J. Saved My Life.” How exactly this song or these stale, stiff movements told ANY story is beyond me. I was impressed, however, at how well Wendy’s dress hid her enormous penis. (In a past episode, we were treated to seeing Wendy’s big-ass feet, and you know what they say about the size of a man’s feet … ) Judges Scores: 5/5/5

Awkward Carrie Ann Comment: “I always respect a woman who follows her dreams, but there is so much more inside of you, Wendy Williams, and I wanna see it ALL come OUT right on this dance floor!” Ummm … no. Please don’t do that. Please leave it all in. Thank you.

 2. Chelsea / Mark:

This cute Disney couple danced a Cha-Cha to a song called “Chelsea.” Why? Well, because some dude wrote it about Chelsea a million years ago, when they were younger, of course. I don’t know how old this chick is, but it seemed like an odd choice to pick a childhood crush as an important moment in your life. Is she still in love with this guy? Jesus, move on! Anyway, the song was pure awful. Whoever this dork is, he cannot write music. “Chelsea Chelsea, tell me you love me, Get Down Get Down Chelsea Chelsea …” Wow. That’s deep. Thankfully, the dancing was a thousand times better than the tune. Chelsea is an excellent mover, and has natural ability when she dances. Len Goodman agreed, calling it her “best dance so far.” Judges Scores: 7/8/8.

 Brooke Burke counted the big numbers in her head and added them up to 23, then asked the couple how they felt about their scores.

3. Chris / Cheryl:

Not being a wrestling fan, I learned something new about Jericho this week. His real name is Chris Irvine, and he decided to dance The Rumba as his “authentic” self to the Beatles “Let It Be.” The song reminded him of his mom, who passed away in 2005 after getting cancer. This dance felt very real, raw, and vulnerable to me. I thought it was quite beautiful and very sweet. I cannot make fun of this dance. It was for his Momma!  Come on people … I’m not made of stone! Judges Scores: 7/7/7.

4. Kendra / Louis:

On the other hand, I have no problem mocking this chick. Her annoying voice is starting to sound like that annoying “Kate Plus 8″ woman that was on the show previously, and her constant whining about making herself out to be a victim because of a lifestyle SHE chose is getting on my nerves. Her personal tale was a sob story about how when she met her now husband (some NFL football player; I was barely paying attention) Hank, the whole world was “hatin’ on me.” Apparently, they said mean and horrible things such as calling her a stripper, and pointing out that she dated Hugh Hefner. Hmmm … you ever think maybe they said those things because … oh, I don’t know … YOU WERE A STRIPPER AND DATED HUGH HEFNER? Imagine that. In any case, the couple danced an expressionless Rumba to some horrific song that I can’t recall the title of at the moment. Just know it was awful and piercing to my ears. While Len thought the dance had too many “unnecessary gyrations”, Bruno pointed out that “there is nothing wrong with a good stripper.” Horny Carrie Ann touched herself under the desk as she moaned:”It’s not only the MEN who are turned on by that dance! That was HOT, HOT, HOT!” Seriously. That woman needs to get some action … fast! Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

Meanwhile at the Hugh Hefner Mansion: Hugh watched the dance routine with two playmates from his Vag-shaped velvet red bed. After it was over, Hefner enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal with crushed up Viagra (his nightly snack) and was tucked into his feety pajamas by 10pm. His balls were in bed by 9.

5. Romeo / Chelsie:

Let me just restate once again, that I still have no clue who the hell this guy is. Apparently, he is a rapper, I am told. In any case, two of his cousins died when he was a child, and he chose to dance The Rumba to “I’ll Be There” in honor and in memory of them. The couples costumes were white and angelic, and their movements were flowy, breezy, and quite moving. I actually think their scores were a bit too low on this one. In a bizarre exchange after the dance, Bruno said the dance was beautiful, and Len yelled: “It was NOT beautiful!” Romeo seemed upset that Len didn’t like or appreciate his tribute for what it was. Bergeron stared at Len as if to say “How can you be such a meanie, you cranky old man?” to which Len replied: “Don’t be looking at me all emotional with your big ole’ googley eyes.” Brooke Burke was backstage learning a new word. Judges Scores: 7/6/7.

Comment of the Night: After returning from the commercial break and the weirdness that had just occured with the previous dance, host Tom Bergeron had the most hilarious comment of the night with “Later tonight, Len goes to the Wizard for a heart!” Oh, Tommy. I always knew you had it in you, ever since that classic showing on “People Are Talking.”

6. Hines / Kym:

The legendary football player chose the Earth, Wind, and Fire song “Fantasy” as a tribute to his mom, who always wanted a better life for Hines growing up. Since his mom was in the audience, Ward decided to use the dance as a thank you for everything she has done for him. Their Samba was fun, light, energetic, and a definate improvement on Hine’s past dances. Bruno called it “Happy Hour! 2 for the price of 1!” I have no idea what the hell that means. Tommy B. referred to Len as “Chuckles”, which made me laugh incredibly hard, and the Judges Scores were: 9/8/8. Brooke Burke wanted to know how that feels.

7. Petra / Dmitry:

With her emotional Waltz to Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up”, the song that inspired her to create a foundation for kid survivors of the 2005 tsunami, supermodel Petra created an elegant, dreamlike dance. Very lovely. So lovely, in fact, that I will refrain from saying anything about how she looks like a giraffe. Instead, I will make fun of Brooke Burke, who asked “How does that feel?”; regarding the Judges Scores: 8/9/8.

8. Sugar Ray / Anna:

Leonard remembered one of the biggest boxing matches of his career with this dance, when he had to prove himself and make a comeback. The song that was played as his entrance song was Bobby Brown’s “My Perogative” and so this was the song he chose for the Pasa Doble. Bruno Tonioli looked down at Sugar Ray’s pants as he said: “It looks as if you’ve got something there!” while Len observed that the boxer had properly “fought back.” Judges Scores: 7/6/7. Brooke Burke, after informing the couple that this was in fact the highest scores they have received this season, asked them “So how does that feel?” SERIOUSLY? HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS?

9. Kirstie / Maksim:

The story that Kirstie Alley wanted to tell with this gorgeous, understated dance was quite different than the one that WAS told, unintentionally. Alley wanted for people to better understand her with this dance and see a softer side of her personality. In 1980, Kirstie gave herself one year to become successful as an actor. Then, she finally landed her first TV gig on “Star Trek 2.” The same week; she got a call from her sister that their parents were struck by a drunk driver. Her mother was dead, and her dad was very ill. Dancing to the beautiful Sam Cooke version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was supposed to show the vulnerability and emotional changes that life can bring on unexpectedly. In the midst of delivering that message, however, something unexpected happened. While dragging Kirstie across the dance floor, Mak’s thigh muscle gave out on him, leaving her weight to topple onto him, and sending them both to the floor.  It was not nearly as dramatic as the media is making it out to be, but in this boring lackluster season, they turned this tiny moment into “KIRSTIE ALLEY IS SO FAT, SHE SENT HER PARTNER TOPPLING TO THE FLOOR!” Not exactly. Not at all, really. However, in one short secon,; Alley’s dance went from inspiringly sweet, to yet another opportunity for various, predictable fat jokes.

Minutes after the show, the stories and comments began about how Kirstie “broke her partner” with her tremendous weight. It’s a shame really. Perhaps it is because I deal with being overweight myself, but I just find most of these fat jokes against Alley to be lazy, typical, and not very creative. (The worst one was a couple of weeks ago, by the unfunny “comedian” George Lopez, who compared Alley to a pig. Really?) She is an easy target for these people, and an undeserving one. Honestly, I found it pretty amazing how Alley dealt with the fall. She literally got right back up, and continued dancing. Maks was wincing in pain and needed a minute, but eventually the two finished, and the dance was absolutely gorgeous and touching. With the judges scoring them 7/7/7, you have to wonder how high those scores would have been, had they not fallen. In the end, it was a touching dance, in spite and because of the fall. Of course, the media and late-night talk show hosts will try and convince you otherwise, and be all over this in the coming days. As always, I am sure Kirstie will reply with her usual classy, yet witty sarcastic charm. (When she was on Letterman recently and he sort of apoligized for making fun of her weight all the time, she responded: “Its okay Dave. We make fun of you at our house everyday.”)

10. Ralph / Karina :

Confused hairline Macchio and partner Karina chose the theme song to “The Outsiders”, called “Stay Gold.” This song was not only special to Ralph because of his role in that film, but also because he used it as his wedding song when he married his wife. The dance was sweet, although according to Len, it “lacked refinement.” Macchio looked like he wanted to murder the judges after their comments. Judges Scores: 7/7/7. Brooke Burke asked the couple how does …… oh, never mind.
 

Elimination Show:

I’m going to get right to the point here and just tell you who went home. Why waste time telling you all about the 57 minutes of filler stuff this show comes up with just to delay the inevitable results? Also, I kind of didn’t see 97% of the results show this week. So, there’s that.
It looks like Wendy Williams and her giant … feet … are headed back home. I will miss mocking her. It was fun Wendy. Well, at least for me.

So, what do you think? Will The Wizard give Len Goodman a new heart? Will horny Carrie Ann ever get some? How long will the “Kirstie is fat” jokes continue? Sound off here!!!

Season 12, Episode 4 and 5 (originally aired April 4 and 5, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, and Adam Larkey.