The Celebrity Apprentice Review: Going Down Under

It’s Week Six of The Celebrity Apprentice. Both teams are congratulating Marlee after her big win, and all contestants are on a high following their unprecedented fundraising success. It’s sort of nice to see the men and women in good spirits, celebrating their charities together. Of course, the only thing that could hamper the mood at this point is the harsh realization that Gary Busey is still around, and this is still a competition. Meat Loaf complains to the camera, “We have to give him tasks to keep him away from the task.” Mark McGrath offers, “The novelty is over with Gary Busey.” This week, I’d like to see Gary prove everyone wrong by crushing their cynicism with a focused determination toward assisting his colleagues in a victory. If that’s too much to hope for, I’d love to see him generally stay out of the way and not purposely sabotage the men’s team by constantly drawing attention to himself while saying and doing the wrong thing in any given situation. Let’s see how it goes.

Donald Trump greets the teams with executives from Australian Gold, a company specializing in sun tanning lotions and sunscreen. The task this week is to decorate a 10 ft. x 10 ft. glass box like a display window for Australian Gold products. The men and women will be judged according to how well they integrate the brand and how creatively they present their “environment” to visitors. The players are told to “think inside the box” as they create an enticing advertising display. LaToya, disappointed in how her team has underestimated her thus far, immediately volunteers to act as Project Manager, and Mark steps up for the men. I am exceedingly hopeful that LaToya will assert herself and challenge the women to start noticing and respecting her as a player, since it seems she’s been pretty harmless and well-meaning so far and is just a convenient scapegoat. Again, perhaps I’m being too optimistic?

The men begin their brainstorming session by suggesting their display feature women painted gold from head to toe. John Rich literally uses the phrase “gold chicks” while describing the scene he has in mind. Mark heartily agrees that it’s an irresistible concept. “You can’t have enough hot chicks running around,” he chuckles, adding treasure-seeking pirates and their bounty to the mix of ideas. I guess I forgot to mention that the men have been temporarily replaced by a group of nerdy thirteen year-old boys for this episode. The guys conclude that the women’s team will inevitably choose to go the same route, “fighting cleavage with cleavage,” as Meat Loaf puts it. They point out that because Hope is on the women’s team, the ladies have a definite advantage, as if the women are also discussing how many boobs they want to showcase and how you can never have enough painted, hot chicks in your ad campaign. To the contrary, LaToya is at a complete loss for ideas as she delegates graphics to Star and “creativity,” whatever that entails, to NeNe and Marlee. LaToya is unwilling to offer any help with ideas; because she’s used to being forcibly silenced for several years by a barking father who told her to sit quietly in the corner while her siblings got to play and dance and sing, LaToya refuses to use her imagination for more than a second at a time. Star confesses to the camera that she thinks her team might lose if they continue down this path of ineptitude. The earlier Star is able to disregard and disparage the Project Manager each week, the smarter and more capable she feels. NeNe suggests showing “regular people” lounging at the pool “becoming golden.” Unfortunately, that is the most genius idea yet.

Australian Gold executives visit the women’s team to offer some advice on the task. They tell the ladies to connect the brand with having fun and also mention that a surfing, bespectacled koala bear serves as the company’s logo, and, oh, he is very, very important, indeed. The men’s team is told the same thing by the executives, but they ignore that part and understand “have fun and treasure life’s moments” as a coded message about pirates, which validates their original idea. Also, Gary Busey tells the female executive that Australian Gold makes him feel “sexual,” which renders everyone visibly uncomfortable for a spell. This event most certainly happened, in case there’s any doubt later. Soon after, Lil Jon tells the camera he’s been put in charge of “costumes, props, and Gary.” “I have to babysit Gary,” he whines as I utter my first ever sigh of empathy toward the obnoxious, washed-up novelty rapper.

Back at the women’s quarters, LaToya has finally put her boss pants on and stubbornly demands their theme consist of an island with “a man and a girl” painted gold all over “having fun.” First of all, why is a grown man on an island somewhere alone with “a girl,” and why did it take you more than twenty seconds to arrive at the island-theme idea, LaToya? NeNe is smart enough to know that a concrete theme has not yet been nailed down and they need to do a lot more thinking. Hope volunteers to be one of the display girls in a bathing suit, but LaToya gives her the accounting and supply shopping to do. LaToya then turns to Star to ask her, stone-faced, to buy $7200’s worth of printed graphics using a budget of $3500. Star firmly corrects LaToya by telling her that it’s simply not an option, and LaToya acts like she never learned the meaning of the word budget. I now officially take back everything I ever said in defense of Ms. Jackson, and I shall defer to NeNe Leakes on all matters of import from this moment on. NeNe complains to the team that LaToya doesn’t know what they’re doing in this task. I know, right? What’s up with that?

We now join Lil Jon and Gary as they purchase pirate costumes. Lil Jon explains that they scrapped the koala plan due to the fact that the Australia Gold logo is a different color and style, so they wouldn’t want to offend anyone. In reality, they just need the extra room for additional lady-parts in the display case, and they don’t need any koalas roaming around. The women, on the other hand, are using the generic koala costume with no qualms; they dance around and announce that NeNe will be inside of the koala shell entertaining the crowds during their presentation.

The men’s team is supervising construction of their shipwreck-themed box and having a blast with their new pirate costumes and swords, and Mark couldn’t be happier with their progress. I want some of whatever he’s taking. This guy is unceasingly amped; I’m sure all that energy and positivity would come in handy if his band were still popular at all. The men’s team in general has an incredible amount of fun on each task, which I think is key. Meanwhile, LaToya is worrying about her own team’s lackluster ideas and starting to panic. While Hope, NeNe, and Marlee are at Lowe’s shopping for supplies, LaToya calls them to demand that they purchase 125 bags of sand, which amounts to 6,000 pounds. “Make sure you get them,” she says. The women double and triple check her request, but she doesn’t appear to be joking or exaggerating at all, so they’re forced to comply. Gee, LaToya’s shopping habits seem to remind me of someone else.

The women return from shopping to find LaToya lightly grazing a piece of wood with a white paint-like substance, using the same degree of force and urgency one might employ while painting their nails and chatting on the phone. She calls applying spackle to the wood “strenuous hard work” as trio of ladies looks on incredulously. They had no idea that they were expected to build their own box. The men don’t seem to be doing so, so I’m a bit confused, as well. NeNe says she still doesn’t know the plan as they continue to obey LaToya’s orders and commence with the construction work.

It’s the day of the presentation, and LaToya has now decided to include a “winter element” in the display by requesting that snow be added. A lot of people don’t realize they need sunblock in the cold, she says, and it would only make sense to have tanned sunbathers frolicking next to piles of freezing snow. She insists that the scene will come together magically in the end, despite the protests of her teammates. This woman is whacked beyond repair. I honestly just feel sorry for her now. It’s almost not her fault; she can’t be blamed for lacking basic reasoning skills and common sense at her age. LaToya whines, “The girls wanna see me fail,” but she doesn’t realize she’s going out of her way to hand-deliver them exactly what they want.

Don, Jr. visits the women’s finished display, which he refers to as “a jumbled concoction of beach, volleyball, and snow.” NeNe tattles on LaToya and tells Don that she’d be surprised if her team won, in light of the incompetence of their leader. “If we win, that means the guys sucked,” NeNe tells the camera. A few miles away, Mark McGrath is energetically leading his men like a military tactical team on a party mission. They’ve got dancing buxom ladies in pirate garb, jubilant pirate chants, and a general atmosphere of fun and celebration. Their setup looks almost like a Disneyland attraction, and I’d actually drop everything to go visit and grab all the free products they’re handing out. They’re promoting Australian Gold with complimentary samples to all who pass through their space, and everyone seems to be having a gay old time. Don, Jr. is impressed and loves their display, because it’s clearly nothing but a good time. The women hand out their free samples quietly with little fanfare, as if they’re rationing personal hygiene products at a federal prison. I wouldn’t go near their display if each of the Australian Gold bottles were filled with actual gold redeemable onsite.

The Australian Gold executives mosey in to check on the two teams. They like the brand integration on the women’s side, but they find the display a bit stale. When they arrive at Pirate Central, they’re immediately intercepted by Gary, who talks for several minutes about how he loves slathering Australian Gold on his body and wants to be an official spokesperson for the company. They can discuss compensation later, he assures them. When the executives attempt to walk off and take a look at their display, Gary essentially holds them hostage and says increasingly illogical things, as he is wont to do. The execs look scared and bewildered; they’re wondering when they’ll get to see their children again and if insanity is contagious in such close quarters. Thankfully, a chanting horde of pirates comes to the rescue; the men have organized a full-on mutiny in order to interrupt Gary, and it’s embarrassing to watch.

In the boardroom: Donald Trump asks NeNe if she thinks their team won, and she jumps the gun on insulting LaToya for her lack of ideas and weak leadership skills. Marlee corroborates, albeit much more diplomatically. The women typically wait to find out that they lost before turning on each other; this shows just how disillusioned the team is by this point. Trump asks Hope why she was all covered up for the task instead of being splayed out in a bikini for the visitors, seeing as how she’s Playmate of the Year. LaToya maintains that Hope was essential behind the scenes, but the men find it an egregious error that Hope was not half-naked and advertised on the same flyers as the free Australian Gold samples. Trump is similarly appalled.

The men defend their unorthodox pirate idea and presentation amid claims that their tactics aren’t always traditional or safe. Ivanka stresses that the women are always predictable, while the men are daring in their concepts. Mark sticks up for his boys, explaining that they’re all renegades and creative geniuses who just can’t be tamed, so don’t even try. Mark says something he’ll soon regret and throws himself on the chopping block. He wants to go home if his team loses, since he can’t pin the loss on any of his mates. Trump announces that the women basically won by default and blind luck, since the executives positively hated Gary Busey’s conduct during their visit and didn’t like his self-promotion. They also aren’t fond of pirates, they say, and they were saddened by the absence of koalas on the premises. LaToya wins $40,000 for A.I.D.S. Project Los Angeles, and the women retire to celebrate in the suite.

NeNe doesn’t think LaToya should have been a winning Project Manager, especially since Trump is so ignorant as to her uselessness during tasks. NeNe yells at LaToya for taking credit for their hard work, and LaToya gets after NeNe for being a “big bully.” NeNe screams that LaToya was Casper the Ghost for not being present or functional during their work, and then she sort of goes below the belt. She tells LaToya that she’s been coasting for fifty years on her last name, and she is now an old lady who needs to act her age. Now, as much as we all can acknowledge that accusation as absolutely true in every regard, I think we can also agree that LaToya Jackson never, ever needed to be ridiculed to her face about the very subject that haunts her every moment of existence. We could have done without that, even though NeNe is justified and completely reasonable for feeling the way she does.

Back in the boardroom, the men are attacking Gary with angry statements of resentment and frustration as he defends himself by saying, “I’ve done everything I did” before proceeding to deny that he ever used the word “sexual” in front of a female company exec and refusing to admit that he pitched himself as a spokesman for a discounted fee while they should have been talking to Mark about the display. Even though Mark has already volunteered himself for a firing, the men hop to his defense and tell Mr. Trump that Gary is deceptively sharp in the boardroom but impossible to wrangle during tasks. Meat Loaf says to Gary, “We do not want to work around you; we are forced to work around you.” Gary looks positively heartbroken, but I doubt I’ll ever feel a tug of sympathy ever again when it comes to this guy. As much as I want him to leave, I can’t be too disappointed as Mr. Trump fires Mark because of his own admission of guilt, just on the principle of the thing. No, Gary Busey is a sight to behold, and I am a simple voyeur. His time may be short, but for now, the show must go on.

Season 11, Episode 6:  “Australian Gold” (original airdate April 10, 2011.)

The Celebrity Apprentice airs Sundays at 9/8c.

Images courtesy of Douglas Gorenstein/NBC.