American Idol Review: After a Season Filled With Original Talent, Idol Ends With The Boring White Guy

Well, America, what can I say except this: Told ya so! I told you weeks, even months, ago that country boy tool on a stool, American as apple-pie Scotty McCreery, would be the winner of this show. I honestly did not have any doubts that I would be wrong on this one. It’s not tough to figure out anymore. Just as the sun comes up each morning and darkness comes each night, American Idol voters enjoy a boring white guy. They just do. They have proven this to be true time and time again. Exhibit A: Taylor Hicks. Exhibit B: Kris Allen over Adam Lambert. Exhibit C: Lee DeWyze over Crystal Bowersox. And now – our latest exhibit – Scotty McCreery over Lauren Alaina. And let’s not even talk about how many other ways that finale could have gone down where it actually would have been fascinating, and even somewhat brilliant. Okay, let’s talk about it … Just picture some of these: Pia vs. James. Casey vs. James. Pia vs. Lauren. Hell, I will even take Haley vs. Casey, since they are supposedly dating, right? Any of these would have been amazing and so different and strange. But a lot of America cannot handle different and strange. They prefer safe and comfy. And so – here we are – with our winner – Scotty McCreery. But how did we get to those final few minutes on the show’s finale? Let’s go back and find out. . .

To me, in Part One of the finals, it seemed pretty clear that the judges were edging toward wanting to see Lauren Alaina win the show. Seacrest started out by letting it be known that our Southern Belle was having voice issues, and apparently blew out a vocal chord during rehearsal. Then, in true Seacrest overdramatic fashion, after Alaina told him straight out she was fine and ready to sing, he still felt the need to cart her doctor out on the stage for an official diagnosis in front of America. Great. Second, the producers of the show gave Lauren Alaina the less crappy song of the crappy written ballads for her ”first released song IF they should win the title” song. Both songs were horrible schmaltz, but while Scotty’s song was about a simple kid with a schoolboy, innocent crush; Lauren’s was about how wonderful and amazing moms are; and so not only was she able to touch the heartstrings of every mom in America; but she also sang the song into her own mom’s eyes, offstage, in the audience, for a truly emotional and nice moment. At that point, all three judges proclaimed her as “winning the night”  by a slight margin. Jennifer Lopez has made no secret of the fact that she wanted a girl to win the show this year, and proclaimed: “With that song, you may have just won the show.”  Not so fast, J.Lo! The very thought of this put Lauren into tears on the stage. I really would have liked to see her take this thing, and honestly, she was clearly the better performer of all three songs that night. She just was. Her range is better, her variety is better, and she is just more interesting. Therefore, she didn’t have a chance.

The rest of the Part One Finale episode included more somewhat boring performances from both Lauren and Scotty, and honestly, the whole thing felt very nondramatic and not at all exciting. The song they chose for Scotty to release (“I Love You This Big”) was total cheese, and a complete snoozefest. For the first time ever, I almost felt bad for him for having to try and pretend to get into these silly lyrics, because they were just so insanely blah. Then I remembered that McDreary is also insanely blah, and so they went together nicely. Seriously, I don’t think Scotty could have possibly have LESS energy while singing this stupid song. And what did the judges do, yet again? Well, you can guess. They called it terrific! Wonderful! Beautiful! Yeah. Right. Okay. It was B.L.A.N.D.

The rest of the episode involved the two finalists singing other songs that are really not worth mentioning, and then ended with someone named Tyler Cruz singing something called “Positive”, which had something to do with Coca-Cola Harmony, or something. Ummm … have I been in a coma or something? Who is this person and what was he singing? Seacrest explained it, but I was still lost. I think I must have missed some major part of the season where this performance was explained in detail. Color me baffled. If someone who cares about this sort of thing could explain it to me, I would be forever grateful. Or not. Actually, I don’t care.

And now, onto the more exciting part of the Finale … Part Two. This is where the show bursts out with many surprise celebrity performances, often paired up with different Idol Top 12 contestants. Then, at the end, the winner is announced and everyone lives happily ever after.

The show began with Seacrest informing us that a new world record was set, with 122 million votes. If I had a nickel for every time a new voting record is set on this show, I would have a lot of nickels and still be broke, because its only a nickel, dummy. Then, the 2 finalists emerged, all dressed in white and looking spiffy. Seacrest acknowledged them, then quickly told them to go away and get ready for the rest of the show. They were carted off. The opening number featured The Top 13 finalists singing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” I was very quickly reminded of the pitch issues with Thia Megia, and how Karen Rodriguez looks like a newscaster on Telemundo. And if Stefano mugged or stared sexily into the camera one more time in that winky-wink manner, I may have had to murder someone. After this Brady Bunch-esque Variety Show style performance, we were treated to one of the few highlights of the evening. James Durbin was joined by the legendary Judas Priest; together, they sang a medley of “Living After Midnight” and “Breaking The Law.” It was pretty epic, and it made me really wish that James was in the final two. He is definately going places though. No question.

The show also featured three video montages for each of the three judges. Randy Jackson’s was titled: “The Veteran” and showed him saying all of his favorite phrases, such as “in it to win it!” and “What is this show? What is this?” Jennifer Lopez’ video was titled “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” and featured a lot of flirting from the contestants, as well as the “you are more interesting than my husband and you have dark skin so I like you” chemistry between her and Stefano Langone, and of course, Casey Abram’s famous kiss on J.Lo’s cheek during one of his performances. Steven Tyler, in his video, was referred to as “The Loose Cannon”, and showed all of the many, many things he said during auditions and the show that made very little sense. Quirky phrases (“you went right from dessert to lunch”), cursing in weird places, and lots of flirting with the girls. As judges, J.Lo and Tyler are both too positive, with not enough constructive criticism. The show is missing the honesty and toughness that was delivered by Simon Cowell. However, as personalities and people, I think both of the new judges have been very entertaining , and certainly loved by the fans. Tyler is oddly endearing, and J.Lo seems like the sweetest person on earth, who really cares for these contestants. So that’s nice.

Next up on the performance block was a duet by Jacob Lusk, with one of his gospel heroes, Kurt Franklin, on piano, singing “I Smile.” The song was complete with church choir, shout-outs to Missouri, and gospel Queen Gladys Knight, who, despite not seeming to know all the words to the song, lit up the stage and really killed the song with Jacob. Their duet was powerful, and a great showcase of that style of music, which isn’t showcased enough on a show like this.

And now for the “I’m the guy who is kind of big and I come out and sing songs really loudly and overly-obnoxiously and in sort of a yelling manner with very intense expressions and overdone physical movements because apparently this is funny – who am I?” portion of the show. Ding ding ding! You are correct! Jack Black. Singing “Fat Bottom Girls” with Jack Black was my favorite contestant, Casey Abrams. Now, perhaps it is because I personally don’t find Jack Black all that funny, and I don’t really GET him, but I didnt think this performance was as awesome as apparently a lot of other people did. It was cute. It was funny. I chuckled. But I felt like the producers of the show gave Casey Abrams the short end of the stick. Look at what he has brought to this show. He brought jazz to life again. He played a freakin upright bass! And they give him Jack Black? Really? That would have been fine if he also had anotherduet with someone REAL. But just Jack Black? No. Sorry. Casey deserved better. He should have been up there scatting and playing and jamming with Harry Connick Jr., or Norah Jones, or Esparanza Spalding. That is what I was dying to see. And P.S. …for a song called “Fat Bottom Girls”, the dancing girls they used in the number did NOT have “fat bottoms”, by any means. They just had regular-sized bottoms. They also came in on bicycles and biked all around the stage. The whole thing was extremely strange.

Up next was the ladies of  Idol and at this point, I started to think “Where the hell is Lauren?”, because she had pretty much disappeared after those first few seconds at the top of the show. I guess she was saving her strained voice or something, but it was odd, because Scotty sang in the men’s number, but she didn’t sing in the ladies one. In any case, this ladies’ number featured a medley of songs that seemed to go on for an eternity (and let me just point out that Haley didnt know the words to half the songs they were singing – AT ALL) – until finally, the ladies were joined by Beyonce, and they all sang her hit “Crazy Right Now.” It was pretty cool.

While Casey Abrams got Jack Black, Haley Reinhart got the legendary Tony Bennett. Not fair. They performed the duet “Steppin Out”, which Bennett normally does with Christina Aguilera. I am sorry, but Aguilera KICKS ASS on that song, and Haley’s voice just isn’t the right voice for it at all. It is too tinny and thin sounding. So, the song was good. More cute than excellent. They danced and sang, and it was just very cool that Tony Bennett was on the show. It’s nice of him to choose American Idol as the last place he wants to be seen before his death. (Oh come on – he’s like 100.)

There were, of course, some baffling performances on the show. The top 6 ladies (again, without Lauren) sang with ‘Lil John and TLC. “Who?” you say? Exactly. I think the last time TLC was relevant was 198…. ah, who am I kidding? They were never relevant. In another medley that went on until the end of time, the girls sang the hit “Waterfalls”, and probably wondered to themselves who the heck they were singing with. ‘Lil John rapped some sort of nonsense upfront that made very little sense in the context of things.

Don’t worry kids. We are only 1/4 of the way through the show. Only 17 more hours to go. Just 83 more performances to break down before announcing the predictable and obvious winner. I need a snack.

(Gets snack.)

Okay. I’m back. Just in time to tell you about the awe-inspiring, stellar, emotional performance by Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw. I am, of course, being completely sarcastic. It was predictably boring. Scotty kept doing that eyebrow raising thing that he does that drives me bonkers, and smirking into the camera. The song was “Live Like You’re Dying.” I sort of felt like I was dying listening to that performance, so I don’t know if that counts or not. I hope so.

It’s time to discuss Marc Anthony. Well, you KNOW he HAD to have his moment, right? He probably demanded a song in his contract that allowed American Idol to take his wife out of the house for x amount of hours per week to do the show. You know it had to be a bribe, right? I can just see it now. Marc talking to Seacrest and gang: “Okay, J.Lo will be a judge on your little show, but under my conditions: 1. Marc Anthony gets to sing a big, obnoxious solo in the finale; 2. Marc Anthony gets to mentor the contestants on several episodes, therefore, constantly reminding the people of America that I do, in fact, exist; and 3. Nobody touches J.Lo except for Marc Anthony.” (And you know he probably refers to himself in the third person too.) So Marc Anthony gets up onstage and does his big, giant, over the top Spanish number, complete with pink flamingo costumes and trombones and all the cheesiness of a bad Ricky Ricardo impersonator. Then, just as I was all ready to laugh very loudly at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, it happened. Jennifer Lopez stole Marc Anthony’s thunder. She stole his moment, and she didnt sing a word. No. She danced around him, next to him, and shook her booty like nothing I have ever seen, in true Latin style. She kicked ass – with her ass. She was sexy, hot, and powerful all at once. And she made Marc Anthony and his creepy little moustache look like a turd, just by her sheer coolness. I loved it!

Holy Christ, are we STILL talking about this finale? It feels like I have been writing about it since Christmas. My fingers hurt. It felt like I was watching the 2-hour finale for 7 hours, so, let’s just say it didn’t compare, at all, to last year’s star-studded event.

Which brings me to the next act – all of the men performing with what looked like an old leather baseball glove. Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’m being told that was just Tom Jones face. When Tom and the boys sang his hit from 1843 B.C. “Delilah”, the lyrics to the song appeared throughout the audience on big jumbo-tron screens, encouraging them to sing along. No one did. Perhaps because a good portion of the crowd is like, 11, and has absolutely no idea who the hell Tom Jones IS. The rest probably just didn’t care, or notice. Tommy and the boys continued on with “It’s Not Unusual” and some others. It was an odd choice, having Tom Jones on the show. I started to notice a pattern here. A lot of …ummm…older performers. Some might even call them has-beens. Not  me, of course. But some. I am guessing that booking Tom Jones and TLC and Tony Bennett went a little something like this:

Idol Booker: So uh, yeah … we got our big finale coming up, and we’d like to book your client to perform … Bon Jovi.

Client Manager: Nope. Cant be done.

Idol Booker: Ozzy Osbourne?

Client Manager: Are you nuts? NO! You’ll get Tom Jones and TLC and you’ll like it.

Idol Booker: Oh. Well … okay. Can you throw in Paul McCartney?

Client Manager: You’re on crack. I’ll throw in Tony Bennett. He’s very old. We just toss him in a van and tell him to sing for mommy. He doesn’t understand.

Idol Booker: Thank you.

That is how I imagine that half of these people get booked for the finale. Next up on the agenda was more plugging of the Ford Focus Cars. Both Lauren and Scotty were able to bring along their favorite teacher to the finale to sit in the audience, which was pretty neat in itself. Next, both teachers were surprised with the keys to a brand new Ford Focus. (What is this, Oprah?) Lastly, Scotty and Lauren were also given the Ford car of their choice. Too bad they aren’t even old enough to drive.

Lady Gaga was up next doing her bizarre, poignant, “I have a message about poverty and racism by wearing this piece of bologna on my face and this giant spiral notebook attached to my rectum” song. She sang the entire thing on top a strange, very high. . . THING. . .that resembled a cliff of some sort. The song was “The Edge of Glory.” See? It has the word edge in it, so she was standing on the edge. . .singing. Get it? Do ya get it? Do ya? Cuz it’s pretty deep. Toward the end of the song, a naked man appeared up there with her, and pretty much ravaged her onstage. I actually felt awkward watching them, as it looked like they were just seconds away from true, real, sexual insertion. OKAY GAGA! WE GET IT! Guess what happened at the end of the song? Can you guess? They jumped. Off the edge. Together. Oh Gaga.

FINALLY – Lauren Alaina returned to the stage, and sang a duet with her country hero and Idol winner Carrie Underwood. Together, they sang Carrie’s hit song “Before He Cheats” and it was really a great performance. Their voices meshed well together,and I really enjoyed it. Good duet. After this was yet more Beyonce, followed by a truly lame performance by Bono and The Edge of “Rise Above” – the theme from “Spiderman: Turn off the Dark.” Why lame? Well, mostly because it just felt like a really bad commercial for the Broadway show, smack in the middle of the American Idol finale. Seeing Spiderman randomly come down from the ceiling and hanging upside down over J.Lo’s face just made me slightly annoyed. I started to wish he would fall on national television. The other reason it was lame, is because the song was just lame. Repeated lyrics over and over, mundane melody. . .went on and on.

The last performance of the night was, to me, THE performance of the night. Months ago, Steven Tyler promised James Durbin that, should James make it to the final two of the show, he would sing a duet with him in the finale. Well, unfortunately, we didn’t get that promise fulfilled, because James didn’t get voted into the finale. However, Steven did us one better. He came out in true, old-school, classic Aerosmith fashion, sat at the piano, and did a killer version of “Dream On.” Dressed like THE Steven Tyler we all know and love; he killed that song like he has many times before. And when it came time for those impossible high notes that end the song, Tyler delivered. Perfectly. It was still there. The pipes. The attitude. The rock ‘n roll God. For me, it was the moment of the night, because THAT is the Steven Tyler I love. It was Aerosmith – and it was BACK, baby!

Oh, and … Scotty McCreery won American Idol. So that happened. The tool on the stool took the prize. The country douche with the low-voice ate the cake. The boring white guy won. Again. Here is the thing though: this is the brilliance of this show – no matter how I feel about the eventual winner – year after year, those last few moments of the show, after the winner is announced, always get to me. Always. Maybe I am just a sucker for “dreams coming true”, no matter who it is, but watching the winner be HAPPY in that moment; hugging the other contestants, hugging their families, crying, confetti falling down on top of them as they collapse on the stage, as they try to sing through tears and emotion – there is something very powerful and very awesome about that one moment. Seeing Lauren Alaina shower Scotty with little kisses all over his face after he won, and seeing Scotty go to the audience and hug each of his family members in the front row, and then hug each and every contestant as they all exchanged “I love you’”s and other dialogue, was very moving. It was very touching. Even if it was the low-voiced, annoying country tool. That moment is what keeps me coming back, year after year. For the sheer possibility of that moment existing for every single person who walks into that audition room, and to see how it all plays out. See you next season – when America chooses the NEXT Boring White Guy. “THISSSSSSSS ……….. is American Idol.”

So, after everything you have seen this season, what do YOU think? Will Seacrest EVER fall down those stairs? Will J.Lo leave Marc Anthony for Stefano Langone? Will George W. Bush and Alfred E. Newman finally admit that Scotty is their illigitimate lovechild? Is Jack Black funny? Will you watch this show again next year, or jump ship to The X-Factor? Or both? Or neither? What did you think of the judges? Was Lauren Alaina really IN IT TO WIN IT? Do you wish that Spiderman fell onto Seacrest’s head? Leave your thoughts here. . .

THE END.

Season 10, Episodes 38-39: Two Finalists Compete and Finale (originally aired May 24th and May 25th, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.