American Idol Review: Idols Go Gaga

It’s as reliable as clockwork, folks. With another installment of American Idol comes yet another litany of hyperbole from our friend Ryan Seacrest, already eagerly hailing this season’s upcoming finale as “the biggest night in television.” Really? Ever? I’m sure he wants us to think so. Until then, dear readers, we’re to settle for watching our Fab Four get whittled to a mere Top Three, by way of yet another surprising ouster for an assumed fan favorite. Not to completely spoil the fun, I’ll simply say this week’s reject, along with J. Lo, took the news with a not-so-gentle weep. Sniff!

Much emphasis is being put on the homecoming parades the remaining trio will receive, and we’re treated to an obligatory montage of previous Top Three-ers appearing on their respective floats, receiving keys to their respective cities, and causing many a frenzy among the onlooking housewives and Girl Scouts in their respective hometowns across Middle America. Has any finalist ever grown up in New York City or anywhere else whose residents probably couldn’t care less if a fellow native succeeded on American Idol? Scotty’s stomping grounds, on the other hand, have probably already named a park after him or declared a day in his honor. I’ll be sure to mark my calendar.

To guarantee the entire 90-minute span of Wednesday’s performance episode is properly fluffed to the brim, the final four Idols will again sing two songs each. The first round entails “inspirational” tunes hand-picked by the contestants themselves, while the second set features songs by legendary songwriting duo Leiber and Stoller, responsible for such hits as “Jailhouse Rock” and “Stand By Me.” In a surprising move, the guest mentor chosen to accompany this classic, Americana-laden theme is the decidedly modern and avant-garde Lady Gaga, who shows up looking as intentionally, wonderfully weird as possible, surely knowing the majority of viewers will either wrinkle their noses in disgust or furrow their brows in confusion. I, on the other hand, begin to curiously covet her faux horned temples. I, of course, adore Lady Gaga. Is the entire Gaga empire unbearably pretentious and overwrought? Certainly. Is it also somehow marvelously welcome in this age of stupefying unoriginality? Without a doubt. Gaga at least has astute and undeniable musicianship to partner her ostentatious image. The mere thought of will.i.am and his auto-tuned ilk donning pointy, prosthetic cheekbones is enough to fill my laugh quota for the rest of the week.

James is up first, and his “inspirational” song choice is Journey’s overexposed but undoubtedly infectious “Don’t Stop Believin’.” James uncovers the earth-shattering revelation that this song inspires him because he, indeed, doesn’t stop believing. Just like the song! Get it? How inspiring. He kicks off the performance with a brilliant shout-out to former Journey bassist Randy (believe it, kids – and don’t stop!) and is thankfully much closer to the correct pitch than he was during the aural blitzkrieg he unleashed last week.  It’s not on the level of James classics like “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” and “Uprising,” but he’s definitely back on track and the judges look relieved. J. Lo loves his vibrato at the end of his high notes. “Everybody can’t do that,” she says, which is plainly incorrect, because James clearly can. You just said so yourself, J. Lo! Randy, loving the fact that James took the liberty of dropping names for him, waxed nostalgic for a brief moment about the glory of his Journey days before praising James for tackling a song of such difficulty. This is deserved kudos. Just because a lot of people sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” at karaoke bars doesn’t mean they CAN or SHOULD, people. It’s a tough one most warblers can’t pull off. According to J. Lo, in fact, everybody can’t.

For his second round, James offers up a Monster Ballad reimagining of “Love Potion No. 9” that serves up its fair share of Durbinized hair metal cheese, but its glory far surpasses the relative ho-hum of “Don’t Stop” and ends James’ evening with an air of success. Tyler and J. Lo are apparently copying each other’s notes, as Tyler utters, “What you can’t do with your voice, you did tonight!” Um, he obviously CAN do those things, Uncle Stevie. Are these people trying to not make sense?

Haley’s riding high on the judges’ comeuppance she created after her triumphant performance of “House of the Rising Sun” last week floored everyone within earshot. Tonight, however, she falters with a song choice that fails to flatter her vocal style and downright perturbs J. Lo and Randy. Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song” has a valid message regarding environmental destruction, and Haley’s self-proclaimed connection to it feels legitimate, but the entire performance Haley offers, even down to the obligatory gospel choir, feels out of place and off-kilter. J. Lo offers rather diplomatic criticism of Haley’s choice to sing a song most people don’t know well, but Randy takes it further and says she sounded like she was “screaming.” While I’m happy it turns out the judges do have the ability to offer something other than lavish, unwarranted praise, Haley admittedly seems to bear the brunt of every negative comment they offer. Where was this criticism when James and his key were in separate galaxies last week? That being said, instead of taking it in stride, Haley wears her frustration on her sleeve and is visibly miffed. The entire exchange could have been nipped in the bud when Tyler exclaims, “They’re both wrong!” to express his disagreement with J. Lo and Randy’s opinion, but Haley opts to talk back to Randy and increase the uncomfortable tension. It’s not pretty.

Like last week, Haley then seems to channel her anger into a revelatory second round, and second standing O from the judges, as her rendition of “I (Who Have Nothing)” is simply riveting and ravishing from start to finish. Gaga had offered hugely helpful advice in honing the dramatic, theatrical flair of the arrangement and it pays off in dividends. This time, however, Haley looks far more dubious and stone-faced when the judges seem to congratulate themselves on her successful performance. “This is why we can’t take it easy on you,” says J. Lo, even though they take it easy on everyone else, all the time. A little consistency would be nice. Randy finally offers his stale, if shouty, “Haley is in it to win it!” and she and I both roll our eyes at the same time. “You just Reinharted yourself into the middle of next week,” Tyler proclaims. Is that even a compliment?

While Haley’s “inspirational” song choice proved unsuccessfully risky, at least she attempted to expand her repertoire. Scotty, on the other hand, chose the opposite route and spewed forth the most pandering possible song this side of “God Bless America.” Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)” is a solemn, drawly meditation on the aftermath of September 11 and includes such vote-cinching lyrics as “I know Jesus and I talk to God,” which Scotty must because the kid is un-freaking-touchable. Either that, or he’s sold his soul to the devil himself. The entire performance is borderline offensive, in part because of the manipulatively aw-shucks nature of the performance and Scotty’s calculated choice behind choosing such a no-brainer song (oh, PLEASE – he knew exactly what he was doing), but also because I’m fairly sure the now-17-year-old Nuts of Wonder was probably eating paste somewhere in North Carolina back when “the world stopped turning.” Give me a BREAK! The judges fall all over themselves, naturally, and I feel rather nauseous. How can Idol think such brazen ploys for votes aren’t the least bit deceptive and underhanded? Oh, I know: BECAUSE THEY WORK.

Scotty’s second performance of The Coasters’ “Youngblood” is such classic, hee-hawing Scotty I’m not convinced he isn’t doing this stuff in his sleep by now. I know I am. The judges clearly aren’t sick of the Scotty shtick just yet, and the newly introduced Gaga is admittedly amused herself. The coupling of such outlandishly opposite characters as Lady Gaga and Scotty McCreery is the stuff of bad sitcoms, but his reactions to her advice to “make love” to his microphone and pretend it’s his girlfriend, or “hot dog,” as the case may be, is downright hilarious. He jokes that he needs to kiss his cross after being exposed to such heathenism, but it’s clear Gaga definitely ruffled a feather or two of Scotty’s – if only her influence had come across in his otherwise Idol-by-numbers performance.

Lauren is also using a national tragedy to help convey her message of personal inspiration, but the event at the center of her intent is a recent natural disaster that actually affected her hometown – or at least its surrounding areas. Martina McBride’s “Anyway” also focuses on the concept of faith to get through difficult situations, but addresses the idea in a far less bulldozing manner than Scotty’s 9-11 tribute. It also helps that Lauren’s voice is like BUTTAH throughout the song and her performance sounds radio-ready. Although I like the depth and quirks of Haley’s voice better from an artistic standpoint, Lauren’s ability is undeniable and her marketability far surpasses anyone else in the competition – including Scotty. Tyler offers another questionable compliment in telling her she delivered the song “like a blue plate special,” while J. Lo all but admits she wants Lauren to be the one “standing up there with the confetti coming down.” Subtle. Randy, however, is glad “Lauren’s back!” Oh, and in it to win it, of course. God.

Any points Lauren gained with me with her successful first round unfortunately diminish upon witness of her behavior during the second, as she expresses genuine doubt about singing the lyrics “I’m evil” in Elvis Presley’s song “Trouble.” Oh, for crying out loud. “Buht ah dohn’t wahnt theym to thank ahm EVUL.” Seriously. Gaga is mystified by this concern, and tells Lauren that when she was her age, she was weirder beyond Lauren’s comprehension – surely too weird for Idol, ha – but isn’t ACTUALLY evil despite what people say or think. How about that? Lauren gets over it and dons an off-the-strip Vegas lounge singer getup to belt out that naughty word like she means it. J. Lo and I both notice her confident strut at the beginning of the song (“I was like, “Who is THAT?!” J. Lo hilariously exclaims) but her unwise choice to dash through the audience leaves her out of breath during the final chorus and Lauren loses her footing a bit. Randy likes the fact Lauren stepped outside her country zone and attempted a bluesy rock vibe, a comment after which Haley is surely backstage plotting Randy’s imminent demise. Tyler likes Lauren, too. Does he not like anything?

Thursday’s results show provided the same old manufactured enthusiasm and extended PR as usual, with Uncle Stevie being proclaimed a best-selling author (that’s because he wrote a book we’re all supposed to buy), Season Six Idol champ Jordin Sparks doing her best C-list-worthy Beyonce impression, Enrique Iglesias making noises previously unattributed to the human race (and not in a good way), and the Idols debuting a galactically lame Windows 7 shill and another godforsaken Ford commercial. I wonder if people would notice if the show ended without anyone being sent home.

The Lady Gaga performance we’re treated to is actually footage of her performing “You and I,” the SAME unreleased track Haley was vilified for choosing last week. WOW. Gaga, as it turns out, is a piano whiz and proves it by continuing to play whilst in various non-sitting positions. In her underwear. I adore the entire performance and wish this side of her musicality were more in the media’s forefront – not all her songs sound like retreads of “Vogue” and “Express Yourself,” after all.

Tyler also debuted the video for his new solo single, a completely unremarkable ditty – originally rejected by Aerosmith –  that needs visuals of naked ladies and circus freaks to keep one’s attention from completely waning. After the video finally ends, I feel I’ve now examined the unadulterated id within Tyler’s heavily-medicated psyche. The underage girls and elephants were big clues.

Seacrest stirs the pot by announcing Lauren as safe with nearly two-thirds of the show to go, and keeps the rest of the results under wraps until the last minute. Upon news of Lauren’s advancement, Haley looks pretty defeated…until Seacrest slyly mentions that TWO GIRLS will be included in the Top Three. WHOA! Once this announcement is made, James loses it and Scotty looks downright confused. Poor James. He knows it’s over, and then it is. I hadn’t pictured a finale without him all season, and now he’s been relegated to fourth place. Perhaps if the judges had used some of their energy to give him constructive criticism, especially last week, his fans would have rallied and voted more, preventing this unfortunate situation. Instead, their constant praise served him no good and I’m now forced to root for underdog Haley for lack of a better option. Scotty’s a nice kid with great country vocals, and Lauren can sing like a bird when she feels like it, but neither of them possess the prowess and chutzpah it should take to be crowned an American Idol.

What do you think? Are you lost in this competition without James? Does Haley have a shot in hell? Has Scotty ever even been to New York? Do the guys in Journey make fun of Randy behind his back? Post your comments below!

For another take, read “Gaga Ooh La La, America Sends Durbin Home” by Kelley Lynn.

Season 10, Episodes 34 – 35: 4 Finalist Compete and 1 of 4 Voted Off (originally aired May 11 – 12, 2011)

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