American Idol Review: In It To Win It

Make no mistake, devoted Idol viewers. Even as Season 10 approaches an imminent close, Nigel Lythgoe and his sly brood of co-producers are making sure the road to the finale is as drawn out and excruciating as possible. It’s just the Idol way, folks. Even Seacrest and the judges seem eager to get on with their lives in the midst of this agonizing journey, as our peppy host asks Randy Jackson to remind us why this week’s installment is particularly important. The Dawg addresses the singers with an emphatic and purely condescending plea to start acting like they want to win this contest, assumedly so someone actually will. What a concept. Then, Seacrest, Iovine and the judgery can all rush to P. Diddy’s White Party in the Hamptons, or wherever else famous people go during the summer. Perhaps Tyler simply returns to his underground tomb. The rest of us, meanwhile, are simply getting antsy, but I suspect Randy’s self-serving pep talk is moot. I’ve been under the silly impression they’re ALL “in it to win it,” and have been trying to put an end to this ongoing charade for weeks. I know I have.

Until then, the contestants remain at the whim of Lord Idol, whose omnipotent hand serves them with the task of singing two songs each this week, helping the “Now and Then” theme make a little bit of sense. The first round entails each Idol belting out a hit from recent memory, while the second round involves a retro throwback tune from “back in the day.” Although this concept sounds promising, its execution only proves taxing on our Idols and needlessly monotonous for the viewers. Jimmy Iovine wisely solicits the help of lovely Sheryl Crow, whose serene presence and articulately sage advice surely talked at least one Idol off of a ledge at one point or another. I sure could have used her over at my house.

James is up first, and I should have sensed a glitch in the Idol matrix upon sight of his sleeveless denim vest, but it took the mention of Jared Leto’s supremely lame vanity project 30 Seconds To Mars for the first “uh oh” to enter my consciousness. It’s no secret James has delivered the most consistent performances week to week and has possibly bested Scotty as this season’s unequivocal frontrunner. As for tonight? Oh, how the mighty hath fallen. Listening to James’ cringe-worthy pitch and gasps for breath during his rendition of “Closer To The Edge,” I’m more confused than incredulous, given my growing enthusiasm for his talent throughout the season. It’s so awful, in fact, I fully expect a shredding from the judges. Amazingly, they not only don’t hate it, they seem to actually LIKE and ENCOURAGE this unworthy display. Tyler thinks James “kicked that song’s ass,” while J. Lo states he’s “ready for stadiums.” Yeah, maybe an empty one. Seacrest awkwardly offers congratulations to James for going “Full Monty” with his performance. I’m not sure whether it’s funnier if Seacrest knows what “Full Monty” means, or if he doesn’t. Either way, I’m in stitches and James, wisely, still has all his clothes on. James’ second song is Harry Nilsson’s 1971 ballad “Without You,” and the lyrics move him to the point of weeping and eventual paralyzed inability to continue rehearsing. The pointedly pitiful shot of him sitting angst-ridden outside the studio next to a dumpster (oh, brother) is almost offensively manipulative. James nearly keeps it together for the actual performance, save for a close-up of his brimming tears, but his pitch problems (again!) are magically forgiven, go figure. Randy actually says the song was “emotionally perfect” in light of its technical missteps, and claims this competition is officially James’ to lose. With more nights like these, he might do just that.

Iovine and Sheryl both express carefully worded concern regarding Jacob’s bold, if not entirely stupid, decision to sing a duet. By himself. Not only is “No Air,” by Idol champ Jordin Sparks and notoriously hotheaded douche Chris Brown, a decidedly un-Jacob song, it simply isn’t a very good song in general. All this, combined with Jacob’s declaration that this is the type of song he wants to release himself (huh?) and his bizarre insistence to sing both parts (but why?), only add to the nearly unwatchable result that unfolds onstage. I quickly discover if I avert my eyes from the horrifying hip gyrations that accompany Jacob’s performance, the sounds he’s making are tolerable on their own. J. Lo’s sweet attempt at criticism only evaporates as soon as it escapes her lips, while a far more insulted Randy flat-out tells Jacob the performance was “corny” and downright foolish. No duets, dude. Really. Tyler, meanwhile, appears to have been napping. Jacob’s second song is also risky, but in a thankfully successful way, as his rendition of “Love Hurts” is leaps and bounds above his first performance. He’s initially skeptical of tackling a rock song, but Sheryl demonstrates a way to sing it with a tender tone that completely alters the vibe in Jacob’s favor. Accompanied by the perpetually underused harp, Jacob’s version of the Nazareth classic almost erases my memory of his shudder-inducing dance moves. Almost. The judges are equally relieved, with Tyler saying he “got lost in the song” and J. Lo praising Jacob for having “brought it home.” Despite the success of his second performance, however, I predict the disaster of Jacob’s first might be what ultimately brings him home for good.

Lauren kicks off her set with a fantastically rollicking version of Carrie Underwood’s “Flat On The Floor,” a fast-paced and wordy modern country hit that fits Lauren like a glove. It makes for a wise song choice, as it forces her to finally exhibit some of the extra effort the judges have been trying to extract from her like a set of stubborn wisdom teeth. Sheryl’s advice to take a strong physical stance and work on her breathing clearly prove helpful, as Lauren finally looks and sounds truly comfortable, leaving the girly hip swivels and bubbly giggles offstage. J. Lo loves how Lauren “ate that [song] up,” while Randy praises her for finding a musical direction to follow post-Idol. Tyler, again, sounds like a poster in a guidance counselor’s office, saying, “the sky’s the limit” for Lauren and her potential. Gee. Unfortunately, Lauren’s momentum all but hits the skids with her curiously subdued version of “Unchained Melody.” While a couple of moments were soaring and sublime, she possessed none of the take-charge attitude she did during her first song and sadly avoided the money note such a performance is entirely based around. Everything after that missed opportunity lost its luster and ended Lauren’s night not with the bang it should have, but rather an unfortunate whimper. The judges are astoundingly nonplussed, actually using the statement “there’s nothing to judge” as a replacement for criticism. WTF?

Fellow country crooner Scotty McCreery also chooses to take his tempo up a notch for his first song, Montgomery Gentry’s 2004 hit “Gone.” Like Lauren, Scotty wisely eschews some of the cheesier performance tactics that make it hard to take him seriously, in favor of delivering a completely credible and wholly entertaining example of showmanship. No kidding. My toes were absolutely tapping throughout, and Scotty’s earnest effort give credence to Sheryl’s prediction that he has “a big career ahead of him.” Unlike James’ unforgivable caterwauling earlier this evening (I’m still in disbelief), this is actually a vocal performance possibly worthy of a stadium. J. Lo is so beside herself with glee, her speaking voice has been replaced with unintelligible squeals, and Tyler teases Scotty that he eschewed his typically “puritan” tendencies and “danced with the devil tonight.” Heh! “Who knew you could rock the stage?” Randy quizzically exclaimed to a beaming Scotty. Not me! While it makes sense for Scotty to slow things down after such a high-octane performance, his rendition of Elvis Presley’s “You Were Always On My Mind” is so drawl-ridden and sleepy that I find myself unable to maintain focus BOTH times I attempt to watch it. In fact, even just thinking about it makes…me….zzzzzz.

The judges’ refusal to acknowledge James’ undeniable pitch problems and Lauren’s glaring misstep during “Unchained Melody” is made all the more infuriating when they tear Haley apart for singing the unreleased Lady Gaga song “You and I,” despite the fact she sings it pretty darn well. Iovine’s unconventional suggestion of the song definitely piques my curiosity, and I don’t blame Haley one bit for taking the opportunity to try something risky. It would be one thing if she botched the performance, but she brings her vocal A-game and at least deserves credit for exploring her artistic license. Although the showstopping vocal Sheryl predicted doesn’t quite happen, Haley sounds good enough to make the judges’ reaction all the more startling. Randy says the unknown song “didn’t do [her] any favors,” while J. Lo agrees that a more popular tune that “everybody knows” would have been a better fit. Yes, because EVERYONE knows who 30 Seconds To Mars is, J. Lo. Sheesh. Luckily for Haley, her chance to close the show with her STUNNING version of “House Of The Rising Sun” makes the judges eat their words. Watching her triumphant performance, I can’t believe this is the same girl whose extraneous pouts and wailing growls I could hardly stand mere weeks ago. Of all the Idols, she’s shown the most growth as a performer and singer, and I’m rooting for her more and more each week. While a couple of James’ efforts had been the closest to that elusive, coveted “moment” of the season until now, Haley’s take on The Animals’ classic will go in the annals of Idol legend, no doubt. Brava.

Thursday’s results show has the potential to shock, with favored contestants dropping the ball and underdogs seizing the spotlight during Wednesday’s performances, but instead the eliminated Idol is one whose spot on the chopping block has been reserved for quite some time now. Ho-hum. In spite of Seacrest’s half-hearted “you may be surprised” foreshadowing remark, the only surprise offered during the entire hour is the reveal of Lauren’s culinary skill and J. Lo’s incredible ability to dance and not sing at the same time.

After congratulating Tyler on his book release and J. Lo on her new album, Seacrest then pokes fun at the less-accomplished Randy by promoting his “bake sale in Tarzana.” I begin to think this might be Seacrest’s funniest quip, until the Full Monty moment from Wednesday re-enters my brain. Oh, Seacrest. You just keep parting your hair and bleaching your teeth, and the rest will take care of itself.

The Top Five Idols sing an unmemorable version of “Happy Together” that seems to go on longer than any other group medley in history, and then this week’s Ford commercial enters the universe. My brain is clearly choosing to process this redundant information with less clarity each week.

Gordon Ramsay pops up for a Hell’s Kitchen spoof in which the Idols all cook omelets with varying degrees of edibility, and Jacob and Lauren decide they hate tofu. Mundane and completely unexciting country crossover trio Lady Antebellum then perform a perfectly listenable song whose melody I couldn’t possibly replicate if my life depended on it. Yawn.

Finally, Seacrest begins “the results,” which again consists of each Idol being forced to watch a Big Brother version of Jimmy Iovine give his opinion on their performances. Gone are the Stools of Doom and Couch of Safety – instead, the time has come for Seacrest to implement the “go stand over here” routine that eventually forces the last lone Idol to choose which group they think is in the bottom. After J. Lo resurrects the former fly girl in her, performing her single “On The Floor,” Scotty is this week’s sacrificial lamb, and he refuses to say whether he thinks James and Haley or Lauren and Jacob are up for elimination. Seacrest is uncharacteristically compassionate, and asks him to stand with James and Haley for about two and a half seconds before announcing the trio as safe. Lauren, who’s been fighting back tears ever since she was told to hang out next to Jacob, looks devastated to be in the bottom two for the first time this season. Could she be the “surprise” Seacrest casually mentioned? Nope, Jacob’s going home. His performance of swan song “A House Is Not a Home” provides one of the most hilarious unending endings to an Idol episode ever, as he all but flat out refuses to stop singing. Just when one powerhouse glory note ends, another begins, and the credits finally put an official stop to Jacob Lusk’s run on American Idol.

With a newly established Top Four equally distributed in terms of gender, the conspiracy theories regarding this season’s particular distaste of female contestants may have officially rescinded any credibility – the inexcusable dismissal of Haley’s first performance on Wednesday notwithstanding. Could a girl end up winning it this year after all? Is Jacob still onstage singing? Will James get his groove back? Is Randy ever going to find another reason to be famous? Post your thoughts on all things Idol below!

Season 10, Episodes 32 – 33: 5 Finalist Compete and 1 of 5 Voted Off (originally aired May 4 – 5, 2011)

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