American Idol Review: Lauren and Scotty are “IN IT TO WIN IT, DAWG!”

Well kids, it’s May 19th in Idol-ville, and we all know what that means – only three more days until DEATH! The rapture is coming, the rapture is coming! And when I say “rapture”, you know I mean the inevitable American Idol title going to that country tool on a stool Scotty McCreery. It’s going to happen. We are just mere pawns in this evil show’s game. But if you are anything like me, every season you vow to never return. Every year, you say “This is such bullshit! How could they send so-and-so home? How can this mediocre person with boring talent win the entire thing? It’s fixed! I’m never watching again! NEVER!” – and then you find yourself watching, again, the very next year. It’s just like Michael Corleone said in The Godfather: “Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in.”  So here I am. . .angry that my top picks Casey Abrams and James Durbin are both gone, and that I now have to vote for my Idol the same way I usually vote for my President, the lesser evil of all the evils gets the vote. In this case, that is Lauren Alaina.

It is “Hometown Week” on Idol, which is the week where the Top 3 contestants get to visit their hometowns in style.  They are greeted with huge parades in their honor, often given the key to their city (whatever that means), and adored by their now gigantic fanbase. Normally, I look forward to this, because it is reality television manipulation at its finest. There are long montages with sappy music as each contestant goes home, hugs everyone, and almost always breaks down crying at some point because they are overwhelmed with the fame they have achieved.  It really makes you fall in love with whoever is left, if only for a few minutes while you relish in their joy. However, this year, we were screwed. All we got was a lame, very short video upfront that showed each contestant touching down in their hometown, followed by maybe 20 more shared seconds of the hometown visit. I had to see it on FOX News that McDreary actually showed human emotion and cried while peeking out of the limo and seeing the thousands of people awaiting his arrival at home. They should not have cut out the hometown visits or shortened their footage - I felt ripped off; I wanted to see the Top 3 “go home as heroes,”  as Seacrest has told us over and over again. I was looking forward to crying, and then getting angry at myself for crying over this manipulative emotional game. Instead, they built up “Hometown Week” for the longest time, and then showed us almost none of it! Lame.

In any case, this weeks performances were broken up into 17 Rounds. No they weren’t. I’m just kidding. It was 3 Rounds. See? Now 3 doesn’t sound SO awful, does it? It went like this: Round One was Contestants Choice – they could pick any song they like. Round Two was Pompous Douchebag Jimmy Iovine’s Choice, because he clearly has the need to feel important. Round Three was the Judge’s Choice – this is the one where they get the famous “text” from the judges during their hometown visits revealing which song has been chosen for them, and dramatically read the song choice in front of their fans. Or in an empty limousine, as they had Haley do. Whatever.

This week’s “mentor” for Round One was Beyonce, whom Seacrest refers to as “a triple threat times two.” WHAT??? What the hell does that even mean? Seacrest enjoys saying things that make absolutely no sense, and saying them as if they make total sense. When is he going to finally fall down those stairs already? Anyway, Beyonce is the mentor. Why? Well, because she has a brand new video to premiere, of course. And what better place to premiere it than right here on the American Idol stage, live, for millions of television viewers? In exchange, she has to “mentor” the contestants. It’s sort of like the Hollywood version of a drug deal. “Hey, psssst … Beyonce! Yeah, yeah, YOU! … Listen up .. we know you got that new video out, right? If you want it to be seen, you’ll come to our show and mentor these kids. Just stand there and say some bullshit …it’ll be fine. Oh shit …the cops are coming! I’m outta here!” Now, I put the word “mentor” in quotation marks because Beyonce didn’t really mentor at all. She honestly said almost nothing of importance, and just told them each how wonderful they are and to “just be yourself.” Wow. Brilliant. However did they get this far without that generic, obvious advice? It’s a mystery to me. Let’s get right to the performances. Dim the lights … here we go ….

ROUND ONE / CONTESTANTS CHOICE

1. Cocky “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary:

The song choice was “Amazed” by Lonestar, which we have heard at least 72 other times on this show in the past. McDreary’s version, was, of course, the same thing he has been delivering up for the whole season. It came complete with a red-checkered shirt, belt buckle, and his classic sing outta the corner of my mouth in my douchey low-voice delivery. This time, he leaned against the piano as he mugged and winked to the camera, knowing full well of his power on good American people; his cross around his neck and his smirk out to the world as if to say: “I got this, America. You know it and I know it. I’m Scotty, gosh darnit, and I’m the winner.” I honestly don’t know how to critique his songs anymore, because they all sound the same to me. It’s the same thing each time. It’s not awful, but it’s definitely nothing special. It’s mediocre, and it’s just a guy singing simple country songs who sounds a lot like another guy named Randy Travis. The judges, of course, acted like it was the greatest thing they had ever witnessed on God’s green earth. Randy Jackson, who was dressed like a black Mr. Belvedere, made sure we all knew that HE once recorded that song with Boyz 2 Men. Yes Randy. We get it. You are important in the music industry. Please stop with the name-dropping, it’s getting embarrassing. Steven Tyler thinks everything and everyone is “beautiful.” Scotty’s song was “just beautiful.” I swear, if he says the word beautiful one more time, I’m never watching this show ever again! (which, of course, means I WILL be watching it again. Sigh.) Randy declared Scotty as being “IN IT TO WIN IT!” Ugh. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to IdontneedyourVoteyouSchmuckImtheWinner.

2. Lauren Alaina:

The song choice for Lauren was a good one with Faith Hill’s “Wild One.” It showed off her vocals well, and she gave a really nice performance. I really think they should have found some bigger earrings for her though, because that pair of ginormous ones clearly wasn’t attacking her face quite enough. Guess what the judges thought? They loved it! Steven Tyler loved it and called it beautiful. Can you imagine? Has Steven Tyler ever NOT enjoyed a performance or actually given criticism? I don’t think so. Randy thinks that Lauren is also “IN IT TO WIN IT!” To vote for Lauren Alaina, text the word VOTE to VoteallYouWantIDontHaveAchanceInHell.

3. Haley Reinfart:

Let me start by saying I do not love Hailey. Not a fan. I understand that she has talent, I get that. But her vocals turn me off. The whole grunting thing sounds forced and unnatural to me, and I hate the way she smiles through every song, no matter what the lyrics are saying. Lastly, her movements make her resemble a drunk puppet who has to pee. All the arms flailing about, and how she aimlessly wanders the stage like she is lost and doesn’t know where she is. Hailey looks like if a hippy 60′s chick, a puppet, and a mermaid had a threesome. Now, all that being said … I thought that her song choice of Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be” was very brave on her part, unconventional, and kind of awesome. I also really enjoyed her version of the song, especially toward the end when she just wailed and it sounded so soulful. Toward the beginning, it sounded as if her voice was much too thin for this song, and almost like she was sucking on a helium balloon instead of singing.  But it got better. The coolest part to me was that her dad is a guitarist, and she had him perform with her, and he kicked ass on the guitar solo. This was a fantastic song choice, and an overall good performance from her.

Now, let’s discuss the fact that she fell. Yes, Haley fell. As she did her usual aimless wandering thing, down by the judges table, into the audience, then back up toward the stage, she tripped and fell UP the stage, which I found funny. When this happened, two things immediately went through my mind: 1. You see??? Every week she is like a drunk puppet up there and I KNEW she would eventually fall down or trip. It was inevitable!!! 2. WHY THE HELL COULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN SEACREST??? Why can’t Seacrest trip down those stairs or at least somewhere on the stage? Someone finally trips and falls and it’s Haley? How boring. Seacrest needs to tumble down those stairs and FAST! Quick! Somebody! Make this happen! All three judges declared Hailey the winner of Round One, and Randy thinks she is “IN IT TO WIN IT!” To vote for Haley Reinhart, text the word VOTE to WalkMuch?

ROUND TWO / POMPOUS ASS JIMMY IOVINE’S CHOICE

1. Tool on A Stool McDreary:

The song choice from Iovine was “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” which asks the question “Are you gonna kiss me or not?” This song made me picture random people kissing Scotty’s weird mouth, and that made me think about how he probably kisses out of the corner of his mouth just like he sings, and like he somehow plays guitar sideways. After picturing this, I felt like I might be sick and had to excuse myself. When I returned, McDreary was still singing and playing his GEEETAR, this time in a blue-checkered shirt with a different belt buckle. This performance was the same as all of his other performances, and none of it matters, because he won the show months ago, so why are we even here? Tyler proclaimed the performance “Beautiful”, J.Lo said that a lot of girls out there want to kiss him (YUCK!), and Jackson yelled: “IN IT TO WIN IT!” Somebody please put a muzzle on that man. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to ILoveJesusAmericaAndMyGrandpaWhoRaisedMeRightSoImGonnaWin

2. Lauren Alaina:

I thought that Iovine’s song choice for Lauren was a great one with “If I Die Young” by the band Perry. The lyrics are movingly sad and yet somehow uplifting as well. The performance was emotionally great, as Lauren really got into it and her vocals soared beautifully. She got so into it, that she totally missed her key change toward the end of the song. It was quickly recovered and not a giant, horrible thing, yet, the judges still managed to NOT judge and only give positive feedback. J.Lo pretty much told her that her mistakes don’t matter because her tone is so gorgeous, while Tyler said it was a “beautiful song, beautiful moment.” Seriously? Does he know any other adjectives other than beautiful? Someone get the man a dictionary so he can learn some new words. You know, it is times like these where the contestants NEED some honest, and yes, sometimes negative criticism, that I really, really miss Simon. Aw hell. I ALWAYS miss Simon. To vote for Lauren Alaina, text the word VOTE to SeriouslyDontEvenBother.

3. Hailey Reinfart:

The Great God of Music has spoken, and he bestows upon Hailey the classic song “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac. This is one of my favorite bands of all time, and Stevie Nicks is one of my favorite singers of all time, and this song is amazing – period. So, it is difficult for me to really love anyone else singing this song, because they are not Stevie. That being said, the wind machine blowing Hailey’s hair all about was the star of the show, and the whole thing was a bit silly-like. Overall, she did a nice job with the song and it was “nice.” I didn’t love it or hate it. It just made me want to see Fleetwood Mac in concert again. To Vote Hailey, text the word VOTE to MermaidsArePeopleToo.

ROUND THREE / JUDGES CHOICE

1. Scotty McDreary:

As our lovable country boy was hanging out back home in the local grocery store he used to work at, he received the text from the judges stating that he would be singing the classic Kenny Rogers song “She Believes In Me.” McCreery looked baffled, almost like he didn’t even know the song. Come on country boy, it is a classic, and a really beautiful song too. The tool was back on his stool for this one, and during the verses, I will say that for the first time in awhile, I didn’t cringe as he was singing. It was actually quite nice. Until he got to the chorus, which was just a bit too high and out of his “low-voiced” comfy range. It sounded to me like his voice was really struggling to get up there, and the moment was gone. I started longing to hear Kenny Rogers sing the song. Of course, the judges somehow did not hear this or chose to ignore it or lie, because they went on and on about how he has such RANGE in his voice and nailed those high notes. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Give this kid some critique! He isn’t perfect! Then, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse in the “Scotty WILL win this show” category, they did. Stupid Seacrest had to go and give Scotty’s dad a microphone in the audience, and ask him how it feels to watch his son up onstage like this on national television. The dad, all teary-eyed and straight out of the cast of The Waltons, with the hope and promise of any good, self-respecting American Pa, said glowingly: “I’m proud of you, son.” DING DING DING DING!!!! Thank you! You just won your son this competition. Gag. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to OhForgetItHisPapaIsProudofHimItsOverJohny!

2. Lauren Alaina:

As Lauren caught up with her hometown folk while standing in front of an AT&T building, as most of us do when we catch up with friends, she received the judges text. The song choice was “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack, which was a perfect choice for her. She looked gorgeous during this song, a bit Cinderella-like in the long blue ballgown, and the song seemed to fit her voice like a glove. Excellent performance. Randy informed us that “Lee Ann is a good friend of mine.” Really? Who cares? J.Lo said that the performance gave her “goosies” which I am guessing are the same thing as goosebumps. Tyler found it beautiful, and then fell asleep from being weary and old. To vote for Lauren, text the word VOTE to AwWhoCaresScottyAlreadyWon.

3. Hailey Reinfart:

Nothing like finding out which song you are singing while sitting all alone in a limousine, eh? The text read “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette, and the second she started singing it, I loathed her performance as much as I loved her Zeppelin one. This was simply awful. She was literally all over the place. With the notes, with her aimless wandering once again, and with the message of the song. For the love of God, STOP SMILING! This is a “F**k You” anthem to men everywhere, and you are up there doing this weird pep-rally “put your hands in the air like you don’t care” kind of move. No!!! She also couldn’t handle the rhythms and complicated nuances of the song, and kept losing her breath in the middle of the verses. It was like she didn’t understand the content of the what the song meant. I thought it was kind of a trainwreck, except for the last chorus where she merely bandaged it together and ended it on a good note. The judges really angered me here, because they aren’t even judging anymore. Tyler said it was “perfect. Amazing!” What? No. No it wasn’t. It was not amazing, and it definitely was NOT perfect. It would be nice if the judges actually gave some criticism instead of just calling everything and everybody wonderful all of the freakin’ time, no matter what. To vote Hailey, text the word VOTE to IMissJamesandCaseyandthisTop3isLame.

RESULTS SHOW:

Okay, so, first of all, I am an idiot. Remember the part of this review where I went all mental and ranted that they didn’t show us the Hometown Visits? Yeah. Well. . .I was wrong. And stupid. They did show them, they just didn’t show them on Wednesday. They showed them in full during the Results Show. DUH! (not winning!) This is what I get for writing half of my review before I have seen the results show first. We were not bamboozled after all, and we were shown the full Monty of emotional, crying contestants as each of them went home to their hometown and got the special treatment. I am a sucker for people living their dreams, so seeing these contestants cry and realize the hugeness of this show’s impact was and will always be awesome to me. I love the hometown visit montages. I just do.

The show began with dumb Iovine giving his silly opinion into the camera about each contestant, and we found out that there were 95 million votes to put the top 2 into the finale – as Seacrest informs us, is “the most votes in American Idol history!!!!” Isn’t it always?

This was followed by a waaay too long and shameless plug for Super 8, that went on and on and on forever. Then we watched yet another Ford Music Video that was, in reality, about 30 seconds, but seemed like a lifetime. There were performances by 50 Cent and some other people that I fast-forwarded through.

The hometown visits did not disappoint. Haley went back to Chicago in the pouring rain, and was shocked to see how many of her fans still came out to see her. She finally broke down crying when she went back to her old high school, and saw familiar and new faces literally cheering her on. She performed “Sweet Home Chicago” with her dad and family band to a crowd of thousands.

Scotty McCreery’s hometown visit to Garner, North Carolina began with a limo ride to a local radio station where he appeared. Screaming girls stood outside his limousine. . .screaming. Next stop is Garner High School, where Scotty throws a few pitches on his old baseball team. In a moment of pure emotion, Scotty finally shows how overwhelmed he is when he breaks down crying in the limousine. He is once again shocked and overcome with emotion when Josh Turner surprises him by popping up and joining him in the singing of one of his songs onstage. That song, is, of course, “Baby Lock Them Doors and turn the lights down low. . .” Scotty’s montage ends with him saying: “I’ve only lived 17 years so far, but this may be the best day of my life.” Awesome.

Lauren Alaina breaks down crying before she even touches down in Chattanooga, where she is whisked off to do a radio show. After this, it gets more emotional as Lauren rides around surveying the damage from all the storms that have hit down south in her immediate childhood area. She meets a little boy who became a hometown hero after saving his entire family during the tornado. Her hometown visit ends with the emotional concert for thousands of fans. I already loved Lauren before this montage, but I love her even more now. She just seems incredibly genuine and sweet, and has this wonderful connection to where she grew up and came from that runs pretty deep. It was great to see that.

And finally … FINALLY … the results. Dim the lights – Here we  go -

The Top 2 in the Finale are Scotty McCreery (DUH!) and Lauren Alaina.

This is definitely the outcome I was hoping for. Well, not really. The outcome I was hoping for is James and Casey, but we all know that is not going to happen. It is a given that Scotty would be in the top 2. Hell, it is a given that he will WIN the show. I am so happy that Lauren made it there with him, instead of the drunk puppet mermaid. I look forward to hearing more harmonious Scotty / Lauren duets on next weeks finale, as well as all the other many surprises that I am sure American Idol has in store for us.

And with that, I say this: GO LAUREN ALAINA!!!!!!!

For another take, read “You Oughta Know Who Didn’t Make It To The Finals” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 36-37: Three Finalists Compete and One Voted off.(originally aired May 18th and May 19th, 2011)

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Don’t miss American Idol Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.