American Idol Review: Now With 100% Less Beard!

On this week’s American Idol, Seacrest opened the show by asking the tv audience: “Whose it gonna be?” Well, we know who it’s not gonna be. It’s not gonna be Casey Abrams; the multi-talented, jazz singing, upright bass / guitar / melodica playing, ginger-bearded, adorably sweet guy who looks like a cross between a stuffed animal and a serial-killer. Casey Abrams was my pick from Day One. He was always my favorite. I love everything about him: his charm, sly humor,  and his ability to surprise us with a completely original and different performance every. single. week.  Abrams is a true talent, and a truly gifted musician. Which is why it was absolutely heartbreaking, yet typical, when America voted him off the show this week.

Typical because in the many years that I have followed this show, one thing has become clear: when given a choice between genius and mediocre, between outside the box and ordinary, America votes for ordinary almost every time. We see it season after season on this show. Anyone remember the name Jennifer Hudson? Oscar-winner? How about Season 6 Melinda Doolittle, whose gifted voice made her Simon’s favorite to win it? Too bad she got cut right before the finals. Season One Tamyra Gray was expected to be in the final two with Winner Kelly Clarkson, but ended up in fourth place.  The voting off of rocker Chris Daughtry left many fans vowing to never watch Idol again. And then there is what I like to call the “boring white guy” syndrome of this show. The meaning behind this syndrome is simple: America loves a boring white guy. The evidence is there, and its astounding how many people want to hear the same thing they can hear any day of their lives. People love vanilla ice cream because they are afraid of reverse chocolate-chip. Try it. It’s delicious, dammit! Here are a few past examples of this syndrome:

Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen: Winner – Kris Allen (come on – even his name is boring. And whenever I hear it, I literally go: “Kris who?” )

Crystal Bowersox vs. Lee DeWyze: Winner – Lee DeWyze. (Because he is a boring white guy who used to sell paint. And Bowersox was / is a fountain of massive and raw talent. Can you tell I’m still angry over that one?)

Guess who won the title the year that Daughtry was sent packing before even reaching the Top 3? Taylor Hicks.  Boring white guy Snoozefest!!!

Now, mind you, this doesn’t happen 100% of the time, but it certainly happens a lot. Which is why I am still sticking with my original prediction that America will choose that country “tool on a stool” Scotty McDreary as this year’s winner. It would be lovely to think that the insanely talented James Durbin has a chance of making the finals, and he just might. But if he does, he won’t win it over country boy. America loves a boring white guy.

So, with the sad knowledge that Casey Abrams went home in the end, it seems almost pointless to sit here commenting and analyzing this week’s show and performances, but I’ll do it anyway because you expect it from me, much like you expect McCocky to smirk into the camera and sing in that low-voice. So in the spirit of predictability, I shall not let you down:

This week, the contestants sang the many songs of singer/songwriter Carole King, and seconds after announcing this, the camera randomly panned on past contestant Constantine Moroulis, so that he could get his .05 seconds of attention on TV that he needs in order to survive. After that pointless millisecond ended, we got another one of those condescending history lesson videos telling us all who Carole King is, followed by another one telling us who Babyface is. First of all, no one cares who Babyface is, and second of all, bring in all the “co-mentors” you like to partner up with Jimmy Iovine; he is still an annoying  and arrogant douchebag. I am really not digging his presence and usually way-off opinions on the show this year.

Before getting into the important solo performances, the show also mixed in duets, because they can and they felt like it. The odd coupling of Jacob Lusk and James Durbin sang “I’m Into Something Good”, while Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery crooned “Up On the Roof.” Last, Hailey and Casey, who are rumored to be dating, had a great time with “I Feel the Earth Move.” All of these duets were successful in their own right, but really they were just more of a time-killer than anything. Although I do strongly feel that part of the reason Casey went home and not Jacob was due to whom they were paired with. The fans absolutely love James, and so Jacob being paired with him worked in his favor and maybe gained him some votes this week. Of course, this is just a theory and it’s based on absolutely nothing, so there’s that.

And now, onto the solo performances:

1. Jacob Lusk:

Again with the bizarre outfit. I think the show just hates this dude, because they dress him in the strangest getups. He either looks like he is 85 or 12. This week featured a crazy checkered suit blazer, with a blue vest underneath, ridiculously large buttons, and a giant bow tie. He looked like a confused, black Pee Wee Herman. As for the song, it was great fun, and as always, some kick-ass vocals from Lusk. Tyler loved it (of course, he loves everything), and Randy “right after my 1954 Yearbook Photo shoot, I’m going to audition for the Shirelles to be their new member, then off to the maltshop for a shake!” Jackson found it sufficient as well.

2. Lauren Alaina:

During her rehearsal footage, stupid Jimmy Iovine said he had a surprise for Lauren. Then, out walks stupid Miley Cyrus for no apparent reason than to annoy America with her grating speaking voice and horrifically annoying personality. Then, Lauren and her gigantic earrings sang “Where You Lead”. It was fun, flirty, and had a raspy, crisp sound. In this song, Alaina finally gave us some more challenging, higher notes and proved she could hit them. I am so in love with her voice. If you love country, vote for this girl over Scotty. She is a thousand times more interesting and versatile.

3. Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary:

This week, tool on a stool was told by Iovine and company that he needs to “step it up.” So he sang an incredibly boring, put me to sleep, no soul version of “You’ve Got a Friend”. His big risk? Not using the low-voice as a crutch, and actually trying to sing like a human being. Wow! How innovative! Seriously, this version of a song that I love, by the way, seemed to go on FOREVER. What was it, about 19 minutes? Of course, the judges continued to kiss his ass, and Randy screamed that: “Yo! Scotty is in it to win it!” Yup. But you should have screamed: “Yo! Scotty does the same boring thing every week, is a boring human being, and seems like the cockiest person on the planet, but it doesnt matter because SCOTTY IS GONNA WIN IT!” After his performance, douchey Seacrest asked Scotty to give us “the look.” Which, of course, is his dumb smirky half smile, “I think I’m sexy and awesome” thing that he does to the camera all the time. Great job Seacrest. Egg him on. Way to go!

4. James Durbin:

Performance of the night, no question. I feel like I say that every week with this guy, but every single week he proves how talented he is, over and over again, with exciting moments like this. The song was “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” and the beginning was acapella. (that means “with no music” for you morons out there – maybe Idol should have shown us a 10 minute condescending video on the history of the word acapella.) Once the music kicked in, it was part rock and part gorgeous ballad. Incredible version of a classic song. Durbin received another standing ovation from the crowd, and Tyler informed everyone that this was the song he “made out to with a girl for the first time.” So, you’re saying you also made out with a boy? What song was playing when that happened? Randy Jackson made the brave prediction that James “just might win the whole thing!” I certainly hope so.

5. Casey Abrams:

Well, at least he went out on a high-note, doing yet another song that completely said: “This is me, 100%.” Singing “Hi-De-Ho, Hi-De-Hi”, Casey put it all out there once again with a lineup of various musicians and instruments behind him, all jamming to the jazzy, bluesy number. With his black hat and black suit, Casey looked and sounded like an old soul. I absolutely loved the performance. Apparently America did not. Steven Tyler said he loved it so much that “it made my scalp itch.” Ummm …. whatttt?????

6. Hailey Reinfart:

I can’t help it, I am just over this chick. It’s enough already with the flailing arms, the growling, and the “drunk puppet on a string” look that she has whenever she aimlessly wanders around the stage. The song was called “Beautiful”, but I found it pretty boring. No matter what song she is singing, she smiles really wide through it, and it bugs me. It could be a song about terrible pain and awful violence, and she has this fixed, creepy smile through her notes. Jennifer Lopez loved it because Hailey is a female (J.Lo wants the two females to stay on the show forever until the end of time, because they are female, dammit!), and Tyler said that he “saw God.” Well, okay Steven, but I don’t think that had anything to do with the song. Check your meds.

Results Show:

Well, we all certainly know what happened and who went home, but it sure did take a long, overdramatic time to get there, didn’t it? Seacrest started the show by standing behind the 6 contestants and asking : “What have you decided?” He should have asked: “What the F*$k are these judges wearing???” Randy’s shirt had some unexplainable red patchlike thing on it, and Steven Tyler had on the puffy shirt from that Seinfeld episode, with a big-brimmed hat. He might as well have been carrying a straw beach-bag , wearing some big-ass glasses, and cooing to some confused kid: “Come over here and give your Aunt Mildred a kiss!” J.Lo looked perfect as always, but she married that drone Marc Anthony, so that somehow makes me feel better.

Next up was another Ford Music Video which made me want to end my life, and everyone else’s life around me. Mostly, it made me want to end the life of everyone involved in producing that dumb, stupid, tacky, badly-acted, badly directed, waste of time piece of crap.

Crystal Bowersox, my pick for the win last season who went down in flames to another boring white guy, sang her song “Riding With the Radio;” and it reminded me WHY I love her so much.

Then, Seacrest did his ever-annoying, over the top, over-dramatic “Dim the Lights … here we go” elimination Olympics that he gets off on doing. You know how it goes, where he places people in different areas for absolutely no reason, and then tells us NOTHING about whether or not they are in the bottom three or going home …

“Hailey … move over here … Scotty, come here please … Lauren, you hang tight … Casey, you relax over there a minute … Jacob, sit on the couch … James, chug this beer and stand on your face sideways … guess what? …you are SAFE … safe to walk across the stage and wait over there until I tell you some more nothing … More results after the break!” WTF??? MORE results? Those aren’t results! Those are NONE results. Telling a bunch of people to randomly move to a different place on the stage and then reminding them of what they sang and what each judge said about what they sang, and then NOT telling them anything else, is NOT a result. It is just you being a douche and hogging more camera time.

In the end though, it was Casey Abrams who went home. And in the end, it will be Casey Abrams who will be the next big thing in Jazz and music. I just know it. He will do exactly what he wanted to do on the show, he will make jazz cool again, and he will use his musical talents to educate others about music history and legends. One day, he may even become one himself.

For another take on Casey’s exit, read “Will You Still Love Them Tomorrow?” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 30-31: Top 6 Perform and One voted off (originally aired April 27-April 28, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of imdbpro and FOX.