Dancing With the Stars Review: Instant Dance Adds Instant Stress

This week, our loveable cheese-fest Dancing With the Stars is down to only five couples; and you know what THAT means: two dances each!!! Yup. Whenever these contest shows get down to less than six contestants, they become very good at creating every theme under the sun (Hey, there’s a theme! “Under the Sun!”), adding pointless filler and somehow still delivering a 2-hour show week after week. Why they can’t just make the show one hour long is beyond me, but that’s besides the point. I guess they need the two hours on television to pay off that awful Mirrorball Trophy. That thing must be worth at LEAST $14 at Wal-Mart!

Our amazing and witty host Tom Bergeron tells us that there will be two rounds of dancing tonight, and both will be scored separately by the judges. Round One doesn’t seem to have much of a theme, except for dancing, of course. Couples will be given a style of dance and then … ya know … dance. Round Two is called “Instant Dance.” This premiered last season for the first time and was an instant hit! Each couple only knows the style of dance they will be doing (Samba, Foxtrot, etc), but will receive their music on the air – LIIIIVVVEE!!!! – by picking it out of that cheesy Mirrorball Trophy’s head. The couple will then go backstage to creepy little rooms, where they will then have a mere 20 minutes to learn their routines with their new music, and then perform them on the air – LLIIIVVVEEEE!!!!!

Something to note: When Tom Bergeron was explaining all of this, he was standing in front of the audience. I started to look around at that  crowd, and after looking at the first few rows of people, I thought: “Is this Dancing With the Stars or Lawrence Welk?” Where the hell did they get these people, the local nursing home? Every person in those first few rows looked about 75 or OLDER, and had blue/grey hair. One guy, over to the right of Tom, looked as if he had no idea where he was. I think they interrupted his Bingo Night at The Sunshine Home to prop him on an old people’s bus and make him sit in the audience. Holy crap, these people were old and uninterested. I think the gentleman in the 2nd row with the lovely argyle sweater and vest may have pooped his pants at one point. Brooke Burke then asked him: “Sir, you just pooped your pants on national television. How does that feel?”

Let’s get to the dancing …

1. Chelsea / Mark:

ROUND ONE

The couple performed a very beautiful Waltz which Bruno declared “Fa-bu-lous!” Carrie Ann told Chelsea that she “earned perfection tonight.” Brooke Burke tried to improvise from her usual “How does that feel?” question by making it a two-parter. She asked: “Tell me, what’s going through your mind tonight? How do you feel?” Scores: 10/9/10.

ROUND TWO

When the couple reached into the MirrorBall Trophy head to pick their song at random, they ended up with Sam Hall’s “Get Busy. “ Their dance style was Salsa, and all I can say is Hips, Hips, Hips. This fun dance was filled with lots of hip action, and also quite a bit of complicated steps and choreography, especially for something learned in only 20 minutes. Excellent job. Burke asked, “How do you feel?” Scores: 8/9/9.

2. Hines / Kym:

ROUND ONE

The couple performed a Foxtrot with the cheesy but very well done scenario of a marriage proposal. Both the costumes and the dance itself were just freakin’ adorable. The whole thing reminded me of an ad for Downy Soft or something. They were floating on air. Bruno put it best with “it was beaming with a blissful sense of happiness!” Len told Hines that, every time he gets out there, his personality “radiates” to the crowd. Scores: 9/9/10. Burke asked, “How do you guys feel?” She really did. I’m not making this up. She just loooooves that question.

ROUND TWO

The couple’s Instant Dance was performed to Jerry Lee Lewis’ “Chantilly Lace.” This dance was a Jive, which I have to say is my very favorite of the dance styles. It is just so FAST and furious, and such a blast to watch. Hines delivered with great energy, fantastic footwork, and other positive words that I can’t think of right now. Burke asked, “HOW DO YOU FEEL???” when the scores came in at: 9/9/8.

By the way, I have noticed something else about Brooke Burke. She loves to ask someone a question and, then, interrupt them when they try to answer. She cuts them right off in the middle of their sentence constantly. Example: “Maks, how proud are you of Kirstie right now?” Maks: “Well, I’m very proud of her. I mean, she is really ….” Brooke: “Okay that’s great, we really have to move on now. Tom?”

My favorite “WTF?” moment on the show was when Burke was giving little mini-interviews backstage as each couple was practicing for their upcoming “Instant Dance” routine. She asked a couple a question, they started to answer, and she cut them off by saying: “Forget it. It doesn’t even matter anymore”; to which Tom replied brilliantly, “It does to THEM!”

3. Romeo / Chelsie

ROUND ONE

This couple’s tango was right on the money; complete with lasers, sex appeal, and a bright red rubber dress. Very sharp and intense dancing. The judges loved it, and scored them with: 9/9/9. Burke wanted to know how they felt about that.

ROUND TWO:

This tango was danced to the famous song “Tequila.” Romeo, of course, had his shirt wide open during this dance, because he loves to show us his naked body parts. The dance itself caused a stir and rumble amongst the judges. Len gave a review that was much “nicer” than his usual cranky self, which confused Carrie Ann, who didn’t love the dance quite as much. This forced Len to call Carrie Ann “harsh.” Then Bruno chimed in by hilariously asking about Len: “Am I losing my mind, or has he changed his medication?” Tom Bergeron, again with the line of the night, responded, “Bruno, those are two completely seperate issues.” Then backstage with Brooke, Romeo somehow got in a plug for his dumb movie that nobody cares about, and Burke asked, “How does that feel?” Scores were: 8/9/8.

4. Ralph / Karina

ROUND ONE:

During rehearsals, Ralph’s knee injury started to flare up again, getting worse and worse. So, in true over-the-top DWTS fashion, they discussed whether or not to go on or quit, what to do, and eventually decided to dance on the injury dammit!!!! Because that’s what you DO on this show. YOU DANCE! You tango through the pain!!!! You Cha-cha through the aching joints!!! You Rumba with your ruptured knee!!! So that is what Ralph did. He danced the Viennese Waltz, in a frighteningly weird costume and hair-dye that made him look like a creepy cross between Marilyn Manson, Frankenstein, and Adam Lambert. The dance itself had some interesting spins and movements, and for dancing on a bum knee, was quite impressive. After Bruno gave one of his overly-charged, rising-to-his-feet, excited critiques, Bergeron quipped: “I see that your injury didn’t impede his overacting.” With scores of 8/8 and a 9 from lunatic Bruno, Brooke Burke asked Ralph, “How do you feel?” REALLY? How the hell do you think he feels? He is dancing a Waltz with a knee that is about to explode on national television! Can you really NOT come up with a better question, even for special circumstances? Arrghhhh.

ROUND TWO:

The song that was chose at random was “Stuck In the Middle” by Stealers Wheel, and the Instant Dance was the Cha-cha. Ralph almost didn’t do the dance at all, because, you know, his knee was about to fall off. But guess what happened in the end? You got it!!! He soldiered on, and did it anyway! The judges were not as crazy about this number, as it needed hip action and didn’t really have any. This time, Brooke actually asked the couple how they feel TWO times, once before the scores, and again after. She also cut them off when they tried to respond. Scores: 7/7/7.

5. Kirstie / Maks

ROUND ONE:

Their first dance was a Tango, and it was pretty awesome. I continue to love this couple dance because their passion and chemistry always comes off as so INTENSE and complicated. Great musicality, acting, and very sexy all the way around. Bruno told Kirstie: “Your footwork was brilliant! Your body’s shrinking, but your talent is HUGE!” Len said the dance was “hot!” Brooke asked a combo question of: “How happy are you right now? How does this feel?” Judges’ Scores: 9/9/10. This was Kirstie Alley’s very first 10 in the competition. How does that feel?

ROUND TWO:

This couple’s instant dance was the Salsa, performed to “CobraStyle” by the Teddybears. Another great job on this one. Very flirty, fun, and terrific movements. I also loved the bright blue costumes on both of them. They were flattering and the color was perfect. While the judges were commenting, Kirstie blurted out the word “Sh*t!” to which Bergeron quipped: “That’s right! Let them earn their money on the button back there!” Judges’ Scores: 8/9/8. Brooke wanted to know how does that ….. oh, forget it. It doesn’t matter anymore anyway, right Brooke?

WHO WENT HOME:

Blah blah blah. Michael Bolton sings. Blah blah blah, more filler. Pro dancing and more pro dancing. More Macy’s people dancing for no reason. Blah blah blah …… Adele sings. Blah blah blah …. Delta Goodrem. More filler, more lame comedy bits, more filler. Five thousand commercials. Lots of over-dramatic pauses. More commercials.

Finally. The couple to go home is ……

Romeo and Chelsie.

Not necessarily the right  choice, as Romeo was a pretty good dancer. But hey, at least now he can walk around shirtless all he wants and maybe someone out there will care. In the last few seconds of the show, he used the time to plug his dumb movie yet again. This time, I was really hoping Brooke Burke would cut him off in mid-sentence. No such luck. Bye bye Romeo. You did one million times better than your father on the show, so you’ll always have that. Plus, you have good biceps. I know because you showed me in every episode.

Season 12, Episodes 14 and 15 (originally aired May 9 and May 10, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor.