Dancing With The Stars Review: There’s a Samba Party in Romeo’s Pants, and Len is Crisp Like a Pickle!

This week on Dancing With the Stars, it’s “Ballroom Greats”, which means a lot of filler dances by a lot of pro-championship dancers, most of whose names I cannot pronounce nor spell. It also means that each pair gets to work with some of these legendary dancers, including Queen of Latin Shirley Ballas(who happens to be Mark Ballas’s mom). Lastly, it means that a fourth guest-judge has been added to the already crowded judges table: legendary Latin champion Donnie Burns.

After an audience shot of Pia Toscano, obviously there to see her new boyfriend Mark Ballis, and another audience shot of Susan Lucci, who pretty much has no job after the recent cancellation by ABC of All My Children, host Tom Bergeron introduced this week’s theme ….

The six remaining pairs danced their usual dances, plus an additional Cha-Cha that was broken into two teams, named after the two highest scoring contestants on the leaderboard. This team dance would be added to each pairs total score number. Let’s start out by having a look at the Team Dance:

TEAM CHELSEA:

This team consisted of pairs Chelsea and Mark, Romeo and Karina, and Ralph and Chelsie. Their dance was energetic, fun, and in-sync. Or out of sync, depending on which judge you listen to. Bruno thought it was off, Carrie Ann disagreed. Guest judge Donnie Burns said something about something, but I was too distracted by his wooden-ish, too white Mr. Ed teeth and his ginormous head to hear what it was. Final scores were: 8/8/7/7. Brooke Burke asked the group: “How does that feel?”

TEAM HINES:

This team was made up of Hines and Kym, Kirstie and Maks, and Kendra and Silly Brillo Pad Hair-Head. During their rehearsal footage, someone made a comment that what sets this team apart from the other team is their maturity. Then Kendra farted. There’s that elegance again. Kirstie commented about the big butts on this team, and Bruno concluded that “extra butt doesn’t hurt, especially when you know how to use it.” Final Scores were: 7/7/8/8, which is the exact same score that the other team got, rendering this little “Team Dance” experiment completely pointless. They could have all saved themselves hours of extra work and just given everyone the same amount of bonus points. Oops.

Now onto the competition ….

1. Chelsea / Mark:

The couple danced a Pasa Doble, and Mark’s mom Shirley came in to help Chelsea develop a character and stop smiling so much. Hey, you can take the Disney outta the girl, but you can’t take the girl out of the Disney. Chelsea smiles constantly, she is just a sweet person. Her Pasa isn’t exactly going to be intimidating. However, it did have some good intensity and a sharpness that was quite effective. Bruno called it a “Quentin Tarantino Pasa”, while Len couldn’t really make up his mind. Random Latin dude new judge guy didn’t love it, and took up too much room at the judges table. (Seriously, can’t they get a bigger table? They look completely bizarre all crammed into that tiny area.) Judges Scores: 8/9/8/9.  Brooke Burke got all flustered when she tried to add new words to her usual “how does that feel?” by saying: “You seemed annoyed by the judges scores …(pause) ….comments … How do you feel?”  I think she actually sweated a bit.

2. Kendra / Silly Brillo Pad Hair Head:

Well, here we go again with the overdramatic, poor me crying and such. During rehearsal footage, the whiny Kendra was back again, saying into the camera how she can’t do it and gets lost inside herself and waaah, waaah, waaaaah …. She also looked like she would break into tears at the start of the dance itself. She did pull herself together and danced well to the boring, old music that felt like they were dancing on The Lawrence Welk Show. All I could think while watching it was: “Tank you Bobby! Tank you Cindy!” That being said, the judges seemed to enjoy this dance, and Carrie Ann said she was “proud” of Kendra. (Gag!) Scores: 8/8/7/8. Brooke Burke attempted two slightly different versions of her favorite question, by first asking “How did you feel this week?”, followed by her usual “How does that feel?” in regard to the scores. You go Brooke! Way to improv!

Meanwhile, at the HEFNER MANSION: As Hugh watched his favorite Plaything Kendra dance once again on the show, a single tear streamed down his face. Not because he was proud of her, but because that’s one of the many side effects of his Viagra medication. Watery eyes. But hey – watery eyes and random blindness are small prices to pay for an old, wrinkly, senior-citizen hard penis, right? RIGHT? At least that’s what he tells his goddesses, still on loan from Charlie Sheen. As goddess #1 administered Hugh’s nightly dose of Vaseline onto his dry elbows and chapped lips, goddess #2 fed him prunes and salad for dinner. Mondays are a big night at the mansion. Hugh has to take his nap around 6pm, in order to be prepped and energized for the 8pm start of DWTS. Then it’s bedtime by 10pm – balls have to be shelved and put away by 9pm.

3. Kirstie / Maks:

In rehearsal, this pair had their usual fun, and Kirstie had a bit of an emotional breakdown as she got frustrated with herself for not getting it perfect. Eventually, these crazy kids worked it out, and got on with the Jive. The dance itself was hugely fun and flirtatious; the premise being that Maks was dragging his feet and not into the dance until Kirstie plants a big kiss on him which wakes him up and sends him into lively, energetic, fast-paced quicksteps. It was very adorable and well-danced, but I’m onto you Kirstie. You keep finding new excuses to kiss Maks. This is about the fifth time their choreography has involved a kiss, and something tells me Kirstie Alley has a bit of a say in that happening. Who can blame her? Random new judge loved the dance and loved Kirstie’s acting and conviction, while cranky Len called it uneventful. Scores: 9/7/6/8 Really Len? A SIX? Come on now …

4. Ralph / Karina:

While old man Ralph had some minor knee issues during rehearsal, all was well for their fantastic Quickstep, which had great footwork, chemistry, and energy. Bruno said it was an instruction in “how to grab a quick one at the QuickEasy”, while Carrie Ann randomly used the term “Boo-ya!” to appear hip and young. Scores: 10/9/8/9.

5. Hines / Kym:

After a visit from some of his football buddies who came in to laugh at him lightheartedly, Hines got to work on his movements with the pro dance coach and Kym. Their performance was neat in some places, lacking in others, but I loved the music and found it really great to watch. Len said it was “sharp and crisp like a pickle” (then said in other places that Hines looked like a fairy), and other judges said things that made no sense and contradicted one another. Scores: 9/9/8/10. Brooke, of course, wanted to know how it felt to get those scores.

6. Romeo / Chelsie:

Please, for the love of all things Holy, stop showing us your gross armpit hair, your muscles, and pecs. That message is for you Romeo. Now that we have that under control, you may dance. Shirley Ballis showed Romeo how to REALLY shake himself, and Romeo got so excited by the gestures that he announced: “I’m having a Samba party in my pants, and you’re all invited!” In the dance itself, the very real fire that was roaring on the stage behind them seemed a bit unnecessarily dangerous. Carrie Ann told Romeo that his bounce was the wrong kind of bounce (oh really, CarrieAnn? What kind of bounce do you prefer?), while Len told him to “up his game.” Scores: 8/8/7/8.

My DVR for some reason decided not to record the Results Show. So, I did not see any of the usual antics, performances, and silly filler that normally fills up this exciting hour of television. I can only imagine and take a wild guess that Tom Bergeron was funny and charming as always, and that Brooke Burke looked lovely and asked a bunch of people how they feel about a bunch of stuff. Oh, and the stripper went home. Kendra Wilkinson. I suppose it was her time. Although I am not sad to see her go, I AM a bit upset that I won’t be able to give my “Meanwhile, at the Hefner Mansion” reports anymore, or say the word stripper over and over again for no reason. Stripper. Stripper. Stripper. Okay. I think I’m done now. Stripper.

Bye bye Kendra. Like they say: you can take the stripper off the pole, but you can’t take the pole off the …… oh, you know what I mean.

Season 12, Episodes 12 and 13 (originally aired May 2 and May 3, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor.