American Idol Review: Like Our Idol Does

This is IT, faithful Idolatry: the curtains have finally fallen upon a merciless and exhausting tenth season of American Idol, a spectacle so unforgiving in its own ostentatious façade its hard to believe the end result produced the most predictably anti-climactic winner in the show’s history. After initial buzz for this crop of contestants conjured promise of boundary-breaking artistry in Idol’s post-Glambert, sans-Cowell era of uncertainty, watching the most talented singers of the season get booted in favor of the two teenage loaves of Wonder bread left standing on Wednesday’s stage left many viewers feeling as though they’d been had. Indeed, the joke really is on those of us who began to believe in the possibility of the Idol machine veering outside the confines of what keeps the texting fingers of its primary voting demographic furiously in motion, and dollar signs shining brightly in the eyes of music executives.

Despite the inevitable outcome of Scotty McCreery’s confetti-laden victory, Thursday night’s star-studded finale kept the humdrum memory of Wednesday’s mind-numbingly redundant and cloying performance showdown to a fortunate minimum. The most flagrantly patronizing facet of the final duel between McCreery and eventual runner-up Lauren Alaina was found in the twosome’s tailor-made singles: Lauren’s insultingly pandering slab of Mommy-and-me hokum, and Scotty’s embarrassing expression of infantile affection. I loathed it this big. While the Idol debut singles are notoriously awful by reputation, this year’s set seemed to pair particularly well with the season’s most garish examples of producer manipulation. Let’s take a closer look.

Wednesday’s performance night kicks off with video footage of a wee Carrie Underwood and David Cook singing in front of their elementary school peers, giving way for the expected follow-up of Scotty and Lauren’s similar evidence of lifelong musical tendencies. This attempt to convince us our finalists’ dreams of superstardom were planted in their childhoods seems less relevant, considering said childhoods are presently unfolding. The judges emerge, J. Lo looking like a cocktail waitress at Excalibur, Tyler looking like Raquel Welch if she lived in a bus station, and Randy looking like an Arthur Conan Doyle character. Only Seacrest truly dressed up for the occasion, donning a prom-ready tux and especially coiffed ‘do. After the evening’s festivities are described as “The Boy Next Door versus The Southern Belle,” it becomes apparent that producers will spend the night feverishly combating Scotty’s runaway lead with the best pro-Lauren goods they can muster. Turns out, they’ve got more than a few tricks up their sleeve.

Rumors of Lauren’s ailing voice are addressed as Seacrest introduces the Idols’ in-house medical expert, even bringing the good doctor onstage, IN HIS SCRUBS, to assure viewers Lauren’s vocal chords are in tip-top shape. Oh, brother. To her credit, Lauren looks embarrassed by the entire display and shoos the fanfare away as nonchalantly as she can. Scotty, meanwhile, has been standing in the middle of this charade the entire time, patiently waiting to sing. My patience, on the other hand, evaporated long ago. Although he won the pre-show coin toss, Scotty graciously allows Lauren to decide the order in which they perform, and she wisely chooses to go second. The night’s face-off, we’re informed, will consist of three rounds: the first, the contestants’ favorite song of the season; the second, a song their personal idol chose for them; the third, the unrelenting horror of the personalized singles I lambasted earlier.

Both Scotty and Lauren make good decisions regarding their first round picks, opting to choose two of their most uptempo songs from earlier in the season. Opening the show with more lively, lighthearted fare helps ease viewers into the imminent schlock of the second and third rounds, and I manage to maintain intact, contempt-free focus on both initial performances. Scotty’s rendition of Montgomery Gentry’s “Gone” is noticeably assured, likely due to the fact he’s performed it before and it’s his favorite song. Ditto Lauren, who belts out Carrie Underwood’s “Flat on the Floor” every bit as proficiently as she did the first time. Interestingly, both tunes are what I would have picked to hear from Scotty and Lauren given the season’s repertoire, and it’s good to see them each starting out a surely nerve-racking evening on such a fun note. Both Idols hit the ground running with their efforts, but Scotty engages the audience with more zeal than Lauren, and displays a better grasp of the lyrics. The wordy verses of “Flat on the Floor” are admittedly more challenging to articulate than the simpler structure of “Gone,” however, and this obstacle paired with Lauren’s tendency to run out of breath subsequently costs her, again, what could have been a “moment” in her season-long run of almost-there performances.

An undeniable, and welcome, zip is added to the show’s pace courtesy of the judges’ curious lack of remarks. I wonder if they’re ignored because Randy no longer needs to inform us who’s IN IT TO WIN IT! Tyler likely squeezed in a quick catnap during the first round, but may regret waking up in time to catch Scotty singing a song specifically chosen by his own idol, country legend George Strait. “Check Yes Or No” is a golly-gee, if not downright juvenile, tune aimed Strait for Scotty’s squealing fan base. At first, I can’t comprehend the notion of Scotty willingly performing a song about passing notes in grade school, but then the thought of George Strait himself penning this tune as a GROWN MAN unsettles me even further. Scotty’s voice actually sounds solid and radio-ready in spite of the song’s insipid content, which seems more geared toward Lauren’s appearance onstage wearing what looks like a sequined square dancing dress – for a ten-year-old. Lauren’s idol, unsurprisingly, is Carrie Underwood, who chose Pam Tillis’ “Maybe It Was Memphis” for the second round. Lauren puts a bit more twang than usual in her performance, and it ends up a competently listenable, if unexceptional, rendition of the 1991 hit. The judges’ presence is eventually acknowledged, and Randy and Jennifer both agree Scotty won the first round, and Lauren the second. J. Lo discreetly references Scotty’s unfortunate obligation to sing one of the sillier tunes country music has to offer (and that’s saying a lot) by noting his song assignment was “not as dynamic” as Lauren’s. You think? The fact Lauren could have stood up there and sung her ABCs and sounded more mature is apparently beside the point. Tyler flat-out gives Lauren the upper hand “because [she’s] prettier” than Scotty, and the audience politely chuckles while I audibly groan. Randy uses his first opportunity to speak thus far in the show to bellow a quick “IN IT TO WIN IT!” for good measure. God.

Also making sure to get some face time is glorified extra Jimmy Iovine, popping up just in time to segue into the evening’s third round in which the Idol’s first singles will debut on live national television. Here we go. First up is Scotty’s, the hilariously titled “I Love You This Big,” which indeed gets accompanied by outstretched arms in order to provide the proper visual aid such statements require. The title alone sounds like a parody of itself, but the sheer seriousness with which the song and performance is approached renders the entire scenario downright surreal. Scotty even gets dressed up like he’s ready for school picture day, and proceeds to tell us, with arms wide open, he really loves us this big. Wow. It’s the most obtuse, dopey song I’ve heard since, well, “Check Yes Or No,” and I can’t for the life of me fathom anyone over the age of 12 being able to stomach the entire contents of its toxic inanity. Once this is paired with the blatant Hail Mary of Lauren’s song, a gooey, simpering ballad called “Like My Mother Does,” it’s become clear the producers want viewers to think there might actually be a contest taking place. As a conveniently chivalrous Seacrest helps Lauren, outfitted in a pristine white gown of course, descend the stairs, she approaches her mom for a carefully staged embrace that naturally brings the house down. Paired with Mom’s understandable sobs and upwardly pointed, Jesus-praising hands, Lauren manages to give Nuts of Wonder a reason to worry about his chances. The entire ploy is brilliant in a strategic sense, but so offensively manipulative, even by Idol standards, I find myself nothing short of disgusted. The judges? Well, they’re all over Scotty and Lauren’s “explosive” performances throughout the night, but of course acknowledge Lauren’s carefully calculated “moment” as her own personal victory that could usurp the title from the season-long frontrunner.

Of course, the last-minute attempt to thrust Lauren in the spotlight was all for naught, as Scotty was crowned this season’s winner in spite of being thrown under the bus with songs of such drippy banality. Check Yes Or No? I LOVE YOU THIS BIG? James would have laughed in Iovine’s face if offered such tripe, as would Haley if presented with the faux sentiment of “Like My Mother Does.” Of course, neither of these songs would have been on the table had finalists of such creative capability been available. This year’s teenage country showcase provided such a bland and leaden finale it made the loss of such promising artists as James, Casey and Haley sting even more. Thursday’s results show acted as a surprising, albeit temporary, consolation of sorts, as plenty of performances from this season’s Top 13 outshone our winner and runner-up and gave viewers a musically diverse diversion from the innocuous outcome. James and Judas Priest? Haley and Tony Bennett? Casey and Jack Black? Hell, Jacob Lusk with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight? All top-notch entertainment in their own right, James’ Village People getup notwithstanding.

As American Idol’s tenth season comes to a close, the future remains typically uncertain for this year’s contestants as they enter the music industry without the support of America’s votes – or lack thereof. Will the short attention spans of Scotty’s and Lauren’s young fans uphold their adoration in time to buy their albums? Which non-finalists will be the Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry of the group and end up better off in the long run? Will anyone remember these people a year from now? Has Steven Tyler already forgotten who won? Share your thoughts on the season and the finale below!

For another take, read “After a Season Filled With Original Talent, Idol Ends With The Boring White Guy” by Kelley Lynn.

Season 10, Episodes 38 – 39: 2 Finalist Compete and Finale (originally aired May 24 – 25, 2011)

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of FOX/IMDbPro.

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American Idol Review: After a Season Filled With Original Talent, Idol Ends With The Boring White Guy

Well, America, what can I say except this: Told ya so! I told you weeks, even months, ago that country boy tool on a stool, American as apple-pie Scotty McCreery, would be the winner of this show. I honestly did not have any doubts that I would be wrong on this one. It’s not tough to figure out anymore. Just as the sun comes up each morning and darkness comes each night, American Idol voters enjoy a boring white guy. They just do. They have proven this to be true time and time again. Exhibit A: Taylor Hicks. Exhibit B: Kris Allen over Adam Lambert. Exhibit C: Lee DeWyze over Crystal Bowersox. And now – our latest exhibit – Scotty McCreery over Lauren Alaina. And let’s not even talk about how many other ways that finale could have gone down where it actually would have been fascinating, and even somewhat brilliant. Okay, let’s talk about it … Just picture some of these: Pia vs. James. Casey vs. James. Pia vs. Lauren. Hell, I will even take Haley vs. Casey, since they are supposedly dating, right? Any of these would have been amazing and so different and strange. But a lot of America cannot handle different and strange. They prefer safe and comfy. And so – here we are – with our winner – Scotty McCreery. But how did we get to those final few minutes on the show’s finale? Let’s go back and find out. . .

To me, in Part One of the finals, it seemed pretty clear that the judges were edging toward wanting to see Lauren Alaina win the show. Seacrest started out by letting it be known that our Southern Belle was having voice issues, and apparently blew out a vocal chord during rehearsal. Then, in true Seacrest overdramatic fashion, after Alaina told him straight out she was fine and ready to sing, he still felt the need to cart her doctor out on the stage for an official diagnosis in front of America. Great. Second, the producers of the show gave Lauren Alaina the less crappy song of the crappy written ballads for her ”first released song IF they should win the title” song. Both songs were horrible schmaltz, but while Scotty’s song was about a simple kid with a schoolboy, innocent crush; Lauren’s was about how wonderful and amazing moms are; and so not only was she able to touch the heartstrings of every mom in America; but she also sang the song into her own mom’s eyes, offstage, in the audience, for a truly emotional and nice moment. At that point, all three judges proclaimed her as “winning the night”  by a slight margin. Jennifer Lopez has made no secret of the fact that she wanted a girl to win the show this year, and proclaimed: “With that song, you may have just won the show.”  Not so fast, J.Lo! The very thought of this put Lauren into tears on the stage. I really would have liked to see her take this thing, and honestly, she was clearly the better performer of all three songs that night. She just was. Her range is better, her variety is better, and she is just more interesting. Therefore, she didn’t have a chance.

The rest of the Part One Finale episode included more somewhat boring performances from both Lauren and Scotty, and honestly, the whole thing felt very nondramatic and not at all exciting. The song they chose for Scotty to release (“I Love You This Big”) was total cheese, and a complete snoozefest. For the first time ever, I almost felt bad for him for having to try and pretend to get into these silly lyrics, because they were just so insanely blah. Then I remembered that McDreary is also insanely blah, and so they went together nicely. Seriously, I don’t think Scotty could have possibly have LESS energy while singing this stupid song. And what did the judges do, yet again? Well, you can guess. They called it terrific! Wonderful! Beautiful! Yeah. Right. Okay. It was B.L.A.N.D.

The rest of the episode involved the two finalists singing other songs that are really not worth mentioning, and then ended with someone named Tyler Cruz singing something called “Positive”, which had something to do with Coca-Cola Harmony, or something. Ummm … have I been in a coma or something? Who is this person and what was he singing? Seacrest explained it, but I was still lost. I think I must have missed some major part of the season where this performance was explained in detail. Color me baffled. If someone who cares about this sort of thing could explain it to me, I would be forever grateful. Or not. Actually, I don’t care.

And now, onto the more exciting part of the Finale … Part Two. This is where the show bursts out with many surprise celebrity performances, often paired up with different Idol Top 12 contestants. Then, at the end, the winner is announced and everyone lives happily ever after.

The show began with Seacrest informing us that a new world record was set, with 122 million votes. If I had a nickel for every time a new voting record is set on this show, I would have a lot of nickels and still be broke, because its only a nickel, dummy. Then, the 2 finalists emerged, all dressed in white and looking spiffy. Seacrest acknowledged them, then quickly told them to go away and get ready for the rest of the show. They were carted off. The opening number featured The Top 13 finalists singing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” I was very quickly reminded of the pitch issues with Thia Megia, and how Karen Rodriguez looks like a newscaster on Telemundo. And if Stefano mugged or stared sexily into the camera one more time in that winky-wink manner, I may have had to murder someone. After this Brady Bunch-esque Variety Show style performance, we were treated to one of the few highlights of the evening. James Durbin was joined by the legendary Judas Priest; together, they sang a medley of “Living After Midnight” and “Breaking The Law.” It was pretty epic, and it made me really wish that James was in the final two. He is definately going places though. No question.

The show also featured three video montages for each of the three judges. Randy Jackson’s was titled: “The Veteran” and showed him saying all of his favorite phrases, such as “in it to win it!” and “What is this show? What is this?” Jennifer Lopez’ video was titled “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” and featured a lot of flirting from the contestants, as well as the “you are more interesting than my husband and you have dark skin so I like you” chemistry between her and Stefano Langone, and of course, Casey Abram’s famous kiss on J.Lo’s cheek during one of his performances. Steven Tyler, in his video, was referred to as “The Loose Cannon”, and showed all of the many, many things he said during auditions and the show that made very little sense. Quirky phrases (“you went right from dessert to lunch”), cursing in weird places, and lots of flirting with the girls. As judges, J.Lo and Tyler are both too positive, with not enough constructive criticism. The show is missing the honesty and toughness that was delivered by Simon Cowell. However, as personalities and people, I think both of the new judges have been very entertaining , and certainly loved by the fans. Tyler is oddly endearing, and J.Lo seems like the sweetest person on earth, who really cares for these contestants. So that’s nice.

Next up on the performance block was a duet by Jacob Lusk, with one of his gospel heroes, Kurt Franklin, on piano, singing “I Smile.” The song was complete with church choir, shout-outs to Missouri, and gospel Queen Gladys Knight, who, despite not seeming to know all the words to the song, lit up the stage and really killed the song with Jacob. Their duet was powerful, and a great showcase of that style of music, which isn’t showcased enough on a show like this.

And now for the “I’m the guy who is kind of big and I come out and sing songs really loudly and overly-obnoxiously and in sort of a yelling manner with very intense expressions and overdone physical movements because apparently this is funny – who am I?” portion of the show. Ding ding ding! You are correct! Jack Black. Singing “Fat Bottom Girls” with Jack Black was my favorite contestant, Casey Abrams. Now, perhaps it is because I personally don’t find Jack Black all that funny, and I don’t really GET him, but I didnt think this performance was as awesome as apparently a lot of other people did. It was cute. It was funny. I chuckled. But I felt like the producers of the show gave Casey Abrams the short end of the stick. Look at what he has brought to this show. He brought jazz to life again. He played a freakin upright bass! And they give him Jack Black? Really? That would have been fine if he also had anotherduet with someone REAL. But just Jack Black? No. Sorry. Casey deserved better. He should have been up there scatting and playing and jamming with Harry Connick Jr., or Norah Jones, or Esparanza Spalding. That is what I was dying to see. And P.S. …for a song called “Fat Bottom Girls”, the dancing girls they used in the number did NOT have “fat bottoms”, by any means. They just had regular-sized bottoms. They also came in on bicycles and biked all around the stage. The whole thing was extremely strange.

Up next was the ladies of  Idol and at this point, I started to think “Where the hell is Lauren?”, because she had pretty much disappeared after those first few seconds at the top of the show. I guess she was saving her strained voice or something, but it was odd, because Scotty sang in the men’s number, but she didn’t sing in the ladies one. In any case, this ladies’ number featured a medley of songs that seemed to go on for an eternity (and let me just point out that Haley didnt know the words to half the songs they were singing – AT ALL) – until finally, the ladies were joined by Beyonce, and they all sang her hit “Crazy Right Now.” It was pretty cool.

While Casey Abrams got Jack Black, Haley Reinhart got the legendary Tony Bennett. Not fair. They performed the duet “Steppin Out”, which Bennett normally does with Christina Aguilera. I am sorry, but Aguilera KICKS ASS on that song, and Haley’s voice just isn’t the right voice for it at all. It is too tinny and thin sounding. So, the song was good. More cute than excellent. They danced and sang, and it was just very cool that Tony Bennett was on the show. It’s nice of him to choose American Idol as the last place he wants to be seen before his death. (Oh come on – he’s like 100.)

There were, of course, some baffling performances on the show. The top 6 ladies (again, without Lauren) sang with ‘Lil John and TLC. “Who?” you say? Exactly. I think the last time TLC was relevant was 198…. ah, who am I kidding? They were never relevant. In another medley that went on until the end of time, the girls sang the hit “Waterfalls”, and probably wondered to themselves who the heck they were singing with. ‘Lil John rapped some sort of nonsense upfront that made very little sense in the context of things.

Don’t worry kids. We are only 1/4 of the way through the show. Only 17 more hours to go. Just 83 more performances to break down before announcing the predictable and obvious winner. I need a snack.

(Gets snack.)

Okay. I’m back. Just in time to tell you about the awe-inspiring, stellar, emotional performance by Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw. I am, of course, being completely sarcastic. It was predictably boring. Scotty kept doing that eyebrow raising thing that he does that drives me bonkers, and smirking into the camera. The song was “Live Like You’re Dying.” I sort of felt like I was dying listening to that performance, so I don’t know if that counts or not. I hope so.

It’s time to discuss Marc Anthony. Well, you KNOW he HAD to have his moment, right? He probably demanded a song in his contract that allowed American Idol to take his wife out of the house for x amount of hours per week to do the show. You know it had to be a bribe, right? I can just see it now. Marc talking to Seacrest and gang: “Okay, J.Lo will be a judge on your little show, but under my conditions: 1. Marc Anthony gets to sing a big, obnoxious solo in the finale; 2. Marc Anthony gets to mentor the contestants on several episodes, therefore, constantly reminding the people of America that I do, in fact, exist; and 3. Nobody touches J.Lo except for Marc Anthony.” (And you know he probably refers to himself in the third person too.) So Marc Anthony gets up onstage and does his big, giant, over the top Spanish number, complete with pink flamingo costumes and trombones and all the cheesiness of a bad Ricky Ricardo impersonator. Then, just as I was all ready to laugh very loudly at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, it happened. Jennifer Lopez stole Marc Anthony’s thunder. She stole his moment, and she didnt sing a word. No. She danced around him, next to him, and shook her booty like nothing I have ever seen, in true Latin style. She kicked ass – with her ass. She was sexy, hot, and powerful all at once. And she made Marc Anthony and his creepy little moustache look like a turd, just by her sheer coolness. I loved it!

Holy Christ, are we STILL talking about this finale? It feels like I have been writing about it since Christmas. My fingers hurt. It felt like I was watching the 2-hour finale for 7 hours, so, let’s just say it didn’t compare, at all, to last year’s star-studded event.

Which brings me to the next act – all of the men performing with what looked like an old leather baseball glove. Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’m being told that was just Tom Jones face. When Tom and the boys sang his hit from 1843 B.C. “Delilah”, the lyrics to the song appeared throughout the audience on big jumbo-tron screens, encouraging them to sing along. No one did. Perhaps because a good portion of the crowd is like, 11, and has absolutely no idea who the hell Tom Jones IS. The rest probably just didn’t care, or notice. Tommy and the boys continued on with “It’s Not Unusual” and some others. It was an odd choice, having Tom Jones on the show. I started to notice a pattern here. A lot of …ummm…older performers. Some might even call them has-beens. Not  me, of course. But some. I am guessing that booking Tom Jones and TLC and Tony Bennett went a little something like this:

Idol Booker: So uh, yeah … we got our big finale coming up, and we’d like to book your client to perform … Bon Jovi.

Client Manager: Nope. Cant be done.

Idol Booker: Ozzy Osbourne?

Client Manager: Are you nuts? NO! You’ll get Tom Jones and TLC and you’ll like it.

Idol Booker: Oh. Well … okay. Can you throw in Paul McCartney?

Client Manager: You’re on crack. I’ll throw in Tony Bennett. He’s very old. We just toss him in a van and tell him to sing for mommy. He doesn’t understand.

Idol Booker: Thank you.

That is how I imagine that half of these people get booked for the finale. Next up on the agenda was more plugging of the Ford Focus Cars. Both Lauren and Scotty were able to bring along their favorite teacher to the finale to sit in the audience, which was pretty neat in itself. Next, both teachers were surprised with the keys to a brand new Ford Focus. (What is this, Oprah?) Lastly, Scotty and Lauren were also given the Ford car of their choice. Too bad they aren’t even old enough to drive.

Lady Gaga was up next doing her bizarre, poignant, “I have a message about poverty and racism by wearing this piece of bologna on my face and this giant spiral notebook attached to my rectum” song. She sang the entire thing on top a strange, very high. . . THING. . .that resembled a cliff of some sort. The song was “The Edge of Glory.” See? It has the word edge in it, so she was standing on the edge. . .singing. Get it? Do ya get it? Do ya? Cuz it’s pretty deep. Toward the end of the song, a naked man appeared up there with her, and pretty much ravaged her onstage. I actually felt awkward watching them, as it looked like they were just seconds away from true, real, sexual insertion. OKAY GAGA! WE GET IT! Guess what happened at the end of the song? Can you guess? They jumped. Off the edge. Together. Oh Gaga.

FINALLY – Lauren Alaina returned to the stage, and sang a duet with her country hero and Idol winner Carrie Underwood. Together, they sang Carrie’s hit song “Before He Cheats” and it was really a great performance. Their voices meshed well together,and I really enjoyed it. Good duet. After this was yet more Beyonce, followed by a truly lame performance by Bono and The Edge of “Rise Above” – the theme from “Spiderman: Turn off the Dark.” Why lame? Well, mostly because it just felt like a really bad commercial for the Broadway show, smack in the middle of the American Idol finale. Seeing Spiderman randomly come down from the ceiling and hanging upside down over J.Lo’s face just made me slightly annoyed. I started to wish he would fall on national television. The other reason it was lame, is because the song was just lame. Repeated lyrics over and over, mundane melody. . .went on and on.

The last performance of the night was, to me, THE performance of the night. Months ago, Steven Tyler promised James Durbin that, should James make it to the final two of the show, he would sing a duet with him in the finale. Well, unfortunately, we didn’t get that promise fulfilled, because James didn’t get voted into the finale. However, Steven did us one better. He came out in true, old-school, classic Aerosmith fashion, sat at the piano, and did a killer version of “Dream On.” Dressed like THE Steven Tyler we all know and love; he killed that song like he has many times before. And when it came time for those impossible high notes that end the song, Tyler delivered. Perfectly. It was still there. The pipes. The attitude. The rock ‘n roll God. For me, it was the moment of the night, because THAT is the Steven Tyler I love. It was Aerosmith – and it was BACK, baby!

Oh, and … Scotty McCreery won American Idol. So that happened. The tool on the stool took the prize. The country douche with the low-voice ate the cake. The boring white guy won. Again. Here is the thing though: this is the brilliance of this show – no matter how I feel about the eventual winner – year after year, those last few moments of the show, after the winner is announced, always get to me. Always. Maybe I am just a sucker for “dreams coming true”, no matter who it is, but watching the winner be HAPPY in that moment; hugging the other contestants, hugging their families, crying, confetti falling down on top of them as they collapse on the stage, as they try to sing through tears and emotion – there is something very powerful and very awesome about that one moment. Seeing Lauren Alaina shower Scotty with little kisses all over his face after he won, and seeing Scotty go to the audience and hug each of his family members in the front row, and then hug each and every contestant as they all exchanged “I love you’”s and other dialogue, was very moving. It was very touching. Even if it was the low-voiced, annoying country tool. That moment is what keeps me coming back, year after year. For the sheer possibility of that moment existing for every single person who walks into that audition room, and to see how it all plays out. See you next season – when America chooses the NEXT Boring White Guy. “THISSSSSSSS ……….. is American Idol.”

So, after everything you have seen this season, what do YOU think? Will Seacrest EVER fall down those stairs? Will J.Lo leave Marc Anthony for Stefano Langone? Will George W. Bush and Alfred E. Newman finally admit that Scotty is their illigitimate lovechild? Is Jack Black funny? Will you watch this show again next year, or jump ship to The X-Factor? Or both? Or neither? What did you think of the judges? Was Lauren Alaina really IN IT TO WIN IT? Do you wish that Spiderman fell onto Seacrest’s head? Leave your thoughts here. . .

THE END.

Season 10, Episodes 38-39: Two Finalists Compete and Finale (originally aired May 24th and May 25th, 2011)

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.

Video: Jersey Shore Cast Leaves Club in Florence, Italy

Jersey Shore fans, Poptimal.com caught your favorite Italian Stallions filming the next season in Italy.

Here is a quick clip of The Situation, Vinny, and Pauly D. leaving a club in Florence, Italy.

Dancing With The Stars Review: It’s the Last Dance on the Final Week. How Does That Feel?

Well, kids - that final, sad day is  upon us. The day when we must say goodbye. No, not to Oprah. (You can never say goodbye to Oprah, for she is inside your heart. That’s why you have all that heartburn.) Today is the day we say farewell, for now, to another season of the cheesefest known as Dancing With the Stars. Goodbye to the witty comments of the one and only host Tom Bergeron, who always knows the exact right thing to say to enhance, cover up, or fix a television moment. Goodbye to Brooke Burke, who looks lovely in all her gowns, but has issues with difficult words such as “Tom.” (When bringing things back over to Bergeron this week, instead of saying “Tom?” she actually said “Time?” She called him time. It was a brand new level of hilarious.) Goodbye to Burke’s all-time favorite interview question to every dance couple; the question she has asked up to a record EIGHT times in the same episode. (Yes, I counted. I have no life.) “How does that feel?” Goodbye to the  baffling coin-toss and the special edition “Len-headed” coin. Goodbye to Romeo showing off his pecs, arms, thighs, chest, and other nude body parts to anyone who would pay attention. Goodbye to Wendy Williams and her ginormous breasts (penis). Goodbye to the first season where we saw Maks actually crack a smile and laugh while working with the wonderful and infectious Kirstie Alley. Goodbye to Chelsea’s fiery, energetic dancing, and Hine’s surprisingly sweet, emotional personality. Goodbye to Bruno and Len going at it like a couple of old, gay, married men. Goodbye to Kendra Wilkinson and her “class.” Goodbye to Hugh Hefner watching the show from his mansion, while getting his balls scrubbed by Sheen’s Goddesses, and eating  lime Jell-O with a straw. Goodbye to that meaningless, tacky, on sale for 49 cents at the 99 cent store Mirrorball Trophy. But most of all,  goodbye to Bergeron’s favorite word, and his special hello to me. . . . . ”LLIIIIIIIIVVEEE!!!!!!!!”

Let’s hear that music ONE MORE TIME folks: Doo doo doot doot doot doot doo …doo doo doo doo doo ….

With only the Top 3 left in the competition, each couple did 2 dances. The first round was Judges Choice – where they repeated an earlier dance that the judges wanted to see again for improvement. The second round was Freestyle – this is where each couple gets to choreograph and dance whatever the hell they want, no holds barred, no limits. It is my favorite part of the entire competition, and this is true for a lot of people, including the host himself. Here’s what went down:

1. Chelsea / Mark:

Round One: They danced their samba, which had a very sexy, almost Austin Powers vibe to it. Carrie Ann coached Chelsea on her hip movement and overall sexiness and confidence. It was lively and very fun. Bruno stood up and said words that made little sense. Carrie Ann called it “hot hot hot!”, and clearly needs to have some sex in her life, and Brooke Burke pointed out to the audience that “Remember – this is your FIRST, LAST opportunity to vote.” Um …. Huh??? Scores: 10/9/10

Round Two: If there was a definition in the DWTS dictionary of what a freestyle dance is, this dance would be it. It was fresh, young, hip, fast, and included everything from jumps, leaps, spins, and flashing neon lights on both of their costumes; in a wonderful section of the dance, they danced lit only by their shiny colored shoes and hands. Bruno called it a “fantastic electric attack!” nd that it was. I think that, technically, Chelsea is /was the best dancer of the Top 3. But as you know, people don’t vote on dancing alone. People vote on dancing,but they also vote on who they LIKE the best, who they relate to, and who moves them in some way. For this reason, I think that the person who won the competition was the right choice, but I also think any of the 3 finalists would have also been the right choice. Scores: 10/10/10. “How does that feel, guys?”

2. Kirstie / Maks:

Round One: In a repeat of the very first dance Kirstie and Maks did on the show, a samba to Cee-Lo’s “F**k You”, Bruno coached Kirstie and told her to really show off more in this dance; the samba is a dance of “presenting yourself.”  We also learned that since day 1 in this competition, Kirstie has lost 38 inches (THAT’s impressive!), and that her dress, the same one she wore on episode 1, had to be taken in quite a bit. With all that in mind, Kirstie looked stunning in the orange/yellow colorful mix dress, and the dance was filled with life and energy. It did feel a tad restrained and slow-motion at times, but mostly lovely, as Len put it. Judges Scores: 9/9/9.

Round Two: While rehearsing for their freestyle, Maks told Kirstie that people will be expecting  jumps, leaps, and some acrobats in this dance, even from a 60 yr. old woman. Their dynamic and chemistry is hilarious and so much fun. When Kirstie did a half-assed cartwheel, Maks asked her: “Do you want to look old?” and Kirstie shot back “Yeah I wanna look old. That’s my fu**king goal on this show.” I absolutely love them, and I know others do too, because the woman almost won the entire show. I believe that is because so many people, like myself, find her to be both inspirational and genuine. The fact that she transformed her body in such a dramatic way simply by working hard, AND that she accomplished everything that she accomplished at age 60; is simply awesome. And let me tell you, by losing all that weight, she cut her age in half. She looks fantastic. The freestyle dance was pretty damn awesome in its own right. For someone of that age to let someone else throw them up in the air above their head, balance on their back, and do lifts that are just not easy, says a lot of her courage and character. So many people did nothing but make fat jokes every time she danced in the beginning, especially when she and Maks fell. But she got right back up, ignored them, and got better. And smaller. I love her so much, I wish I knew her in person so I could give her a giant hug. Scores: 9/9/9.

3. Hines / Kym:

Round One:  For their dance, this couple chose to revise their Quickstep, which was an old-Hollywood style routine to “Puttin On the Ritz.” Len coached Hines through his footwork, and off they went. The dance was very joyful, fantastic steps, fast-paced, and filled with smiles and character. Hines brings it all to the floor, and really knows how to put on a great show. Bruno called him the “great entertainer” of the season. Judges Scores: 10/9/10. Brooke asked “How does that feel?” and then said “Remember, every vote counts tonight.” Tonight? Did they NOT count before tonight? Did they only count SOME of the votes in past episodes, and now they are deciding that perhaps that is unfair, and they should really be counting ALL of the votes? Thanks for the heads-up on that one Burke.

Round Two: This freestyle was extremely creative, totally different, and completely encompassed Hine’s personality and who he IS through movement. The basic idea was to recreate a Halftime Show, drum line style. The stage was lined with a drum line (lots of marching band drummers in a lineup), and Hines and Kym came out and did the halftime show. To me, I saw it as Kym being the baton and Hines tossing her into the air, moving her all about, etc. I loved this dance. It was like nothing I have seen on the show in the past. Very different and unique, and definitely caught my attention. The judges agreed. Carrie Ann started to give her comments, then heard some noise in the audience and flipped out like a psycho: “Who’s talking??? It’s MY TURN!” Alrighty then, lady. Calm down there, whackjob. Nobody’s trying to take your job away. Just relax. As you can see by the scores (10, 10, 10), the other judges loved it too, but were afraid to speak during Carrie Ann’s “time.” Speaking of time, this was when Brooke Burke said “Time?” instead of the man’s actual name – “Tom?” She then said of the scores: ” Tell me how that feels.” Hmmm, I wonder how it feels to get a PERFECT TEN on the last week of the show when it matters most. Now, I’m not a smart man (I’m also not a man, but I was quoting Forest Gump and changing the wording would have ruined the quote), but I’m guessin it feels purty darn tootin’ good.

THE FINALE EPISODE:

The show began like it normally does, with a big, giant, over the top musical dance number involving the entire top 12 “Stars” plus their Pro dance partners. From there, it just grew and marinated in its own super cheesiness. From the always obnoxious and annoying Black Eyed Peas, to the “special surprise guest” that turned out to be Josh Groban (I’m not sure why that was such a huge deal that it needed to be kept a surprise, but okay), to performances from others such as Sara Evans, the show moved along at the pace of a show that is 2 hours long, with the last 8 seconds saved to reveal the winner.

There was a lot of filler and a LOT of clips and video montages. This show loves a good video montage. They also like to dabble in comedy bits. Sometimes they work, other times they don’t. Most don’t. The one that involved Wendy Williams interviewing herself on her own talk show kind of fell flat. We got to see the top 12 dancers … well … dance … and there was a spontaneous imitation of Bruno by Chris Jericho that was very funny. There was a very good dance number involving all the pro dancers and Maks as the lead, to a live performance of “We Got the Beat” by The Go-Gos. Ralph and Karina danced again, as did Sugar Ray, Romeo, and some of the other past favorites from the season.

The top 3 finalists did one last dance for Judges’ Votes, which apparently are then calculated somehow into America’s votes the night before. I think this is malarky. I think they just SAY this, but right after the dances happen, they take those scorecards and throw them right out. First of all, all three couples got perfect 10s on this dance. Sure, give them perfect 10s when it DOESNT MATTER ANYMORE! Secondly, I just think the whole “judge’s vote” calculations thing is more to appease the people who feel the judges should pick the winner, than it is to actually DO anything.

In any case, after all the voting and the Judge’s meaningless perfect 10s, Chelsea and Mark were the 3rd place pair. I had a feeling that would happen. She IS the best dancer, technically, of the three. But as I said earlier, there are so many more elements than dancing involved in why people vote and who they choose to vote for. I think it’s great that Chelsea got as far as she did, because most people over the age of 10 had no idea who the heck she was in the beginning, and voted for her anyway. She was good. But in the end, the last two standing were Hines and Kirstie. I think that Hines showed himself as a caring, good person throughout the competition, but especially the week that Kym injured her neck during a complicated lift. Hines got very emotional and cried after finishing their dance that week, because he was so worried about her and so happy she was okay. People loved him before that occured, but they REALLY loved him after it happened. I truly think that, combined with his smooth, entertaining, and devoted dancing, put him in the Top 2. Kirstie Alley started out as the underdog, and everyone loves the underdog. She also started out fat, and then got smaller. A lot smaller. I have never seen Maks have such personality as he did this season with her. They smiled, kissed, laughed, hugged, fought, all of it. I was very happy with this Final Two, and would have been extremely thrilled with either person winning that tacky, dimestore Mirrorball Trophy.

Hines Ward won the Mirrorball Trophy. Kirstie won her confidence back. Brooke won a shiny new Len coin! Tom won the Kelley Lynn “Best Host of a TV Show: Variety or Reality” Award. And hopefully – I won Tom Bergeron being nice enough to comment on this, my last review of this show.

So, it is goodbye for now, dear friends. But fear not, dancers and dancer wannabes! I will see you here again soon. Very soon. Because this show doesn’t stay off the air long. If they do things the same way they normally do, their next season probably starts up in about 18 seconds.

How does that feel?

Season 12, Episodes 18-19 (originally aired May 23 and 24, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor.

Glee Review: Fairytale of New York

The Glee moment we’ve been waiting for all season long finally arrived! Our sweet, little New Directions glee club hit big, bright New York City with eagerness and enthusiasm, ready to battle the 49 other show choirs they’d have to beat to take home the crown.

This season has been fairly uneven compared to its debut run, so the pressure was on the finale to really provide a satisfying conclusion after so much hype. Honestly, I will shower love over Glee all day, but I was hoping to really be WOWED this week, and I just didn’t feel it. About half way through the episode, I realized that my laughter quota would certainly not be met, so I relied heavily on the emotional payoff, and at least I got that. Here’s what I loved and loathed about Glee’s season finale.

LOVED IT

New York. From the first scene with its sweeping, 360 degree view of Times Square, I knew something about this episode was going to be different. The kids were pretty adorable, frockling happily around NYC and definitely looking like teeny bopper tourists, as they should. Whether the kids were singing throughout the streets about how much they loved NYC or Rachel and Kurt were sneaking into Broadway theaters or Finn was sweeping Rachel off her feet with a with a romantic date, something about being in the big city with their big dreams felt pretty magical.

Another Kurt and Rachel Duet. That is really all that needs to be said, but I’ll take another moment to espouse how wonderful these two pair, vocally. Add the fact that they were giddy over sneaking into the Wicked theater where they could sing a real Wicked song on the real Wicked stage, and this was any Broadway lovers’ dream. Plus, it allowed some quality time between two friends who’ve gotten very little screen time since they’ve actually become true buds. Kurt pushed Rachel to figure out what she wants from the future and from Finn, and after getting a small taste of her dream, she realized the stage was her true love…for the moment, at least.

Dustin Goolsby. As I said earlier, the laughs didn’t runneth over, so anytime the Vocal Adrenaline coach hit the stage, I could at least be confident I would have a few seconds of rolling on the floor and clutching my stomach. The combination of his envy and hatred of Will, a man who loves his work and can be brought to tears by his students, makes for a perfect new foe. I hope to see much more of him next season.

The Superman of Kisses. Finchel’s inappropriate onstage reunion, at the expense of Nationals, may have earned them a 12^th place finish but boy was it worth it. They sang. They felt. They kissed. Yes, Santana wanted to skin Finn and Rachel alive for costing them the title they’d be working towards for two school years, but I was in the mindset of Brittany, who felt that the year had never been about winning. Unlike last year when the kids were utterly crushed, it appeared like most recovered pretty quickly from the loss and were just generally happy to have the experience. And Rachel and Finn went into summer happy…again.

Klaine. Kurt has come a very long way in feeling confident in himself and secure in his relationship, but it brought me to tears when, out of nowhere, Blaine said, “I love you,” as if it was truest fact in the entire world. Kurt looked completely taken back and flabbergasted, but so easily said I love you back. That’s payoff folks.

LOATHED IT

To Be Original or Not Original. I vote for not. I enjoyed Regionals’ “Loser Like Me” and “Get It Right,” though they both took a while to grow on me. This episode’s original songs, however, still haven’t clicked to me yet, and I doubt they will. I can’t take away from the awakening moment between Rachel and Finn during “Pretending” because it certainly endeared me to the song more, but not enough to download the songs on iTunes. Plus, when an original really flops, it takes the viewer out of the moment.

Will Rejects Broadway. A good part of these final episodes focused on Will’s desire to fulfill his dreams and his battle with having to leave his students to do that. All the women in his life appeared to support him wholeheartedly, yet when he got there, he didn’t see April, he didn’t perform a Broadway song, and when heaped with praise by a random musical vet, he basically threw the compliment back in Broadway’s face. You left your “prized and cherished” kids to write the songs for National in the hotel on their own for this?! Really? Did you even want them to win?

Charice. Sunshine Corazon sang her pants off. That can’t be discounted, and good for Rachel that she saw the error of her ways and apologized and supported the scared girl that the Vocal Adrenaline machine almost crushed, but boy was that a boring character. Let’s not forget, Jesse was the previous Vocal Adrenaline demi-god, and he sure left a mark on me. I could care less if I ever see Charice again, and I remember when I was excited about her Glee debut.

No Brittana…Yet. Hooray for Santana and Brittany hugging and ending on a good note, but I wanted a real and passionate kiss. None of those lady kisses, folks.

Yet, as the season came to a close, most of the bad faded away, and the glee (I know I’m a dork!) this show really did bring to me on a regular basis, and how many hours their songs kept me company on long trips and long lines and long waits, is what I remember. Though extremely uneven, the highs were extremely powerful and moving or hilarious and ridiculous, and that’s what this fan is going to choose to focus on.

So sound off? What’d you think of the songs of “New York?” Jesse showed up for the performance, and were you hoping Rachel would stick with him instead?

THE SONGS

“My Cup” (Original Glee song)
Sung by Brittany Pierce and Artie Abrams
Grade: A+
Sure, I know this isn’t a “real” song, but the stupid original songs are almost always better than the actual ones.

“I Love New York”/“New York, New York” by Madonna/from Gypsy: A Musical Fable
Sung by New Directions
Grade: B-
I wanted to like this song. All the kids seemed so happy discovering the city, but one of the weirdest mashups yet.

“Still Got Tonight” by Matthew Morrison
Sung by Will Schuester
Grade: B
Mr. Morrison, you are quite the entrepreneur, slipping a song off your own album into the show, and it certainly isn’t the worst song, but never again please.

“Bella Notte” from Lady and the Tramp
Sung by Noah Puckerman, Sam Evans, Artie Abrams and Mike Chang
Grade: B+
Rachel and Finn almost kissed. SQUEE! The music was perfect, but where was the spaghetti when you needed it?

“For Good” from Wicked
Sung by Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel
Grade: A
Perfection.

“Yeah!” by Usher featuring Lil John and Ludacris
Sung by Crawford County Girls Choir
Grade: B
I’d forgotten how much I miss these quick glimpses at other show choirs, but why do all the all-female choirs always have to be so trashy?

“As Long as You’re There” (Original Glee song)
Sung by Sunshine Corazon and Vocal Adrenaline
Grade: A-

“Pretending” (Original Glee song)
Sung by New Directions
Grade: B

“Light Up the World” (Original Glee song)
Sung by New Directions
Grade: B-

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of 6 misfits, stumbling their way through a horrible rendition of ‘Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat.’” – Kurt
• “The guy did seem crazy. He charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.” – Rachel
• Concierge: “You guys here for the show-choir competition?”
  Mr. Schue: “Yeah, why?”
  Concierge: “Most of the other teams just went by sexual orientation.”
• Kurt: “I feel like Eloise.”
  Brittany: “I have pills for that.”
• “Take her on one of those big, romantic dates you see in romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through” – Puck
• “If I was in love with a girl, and I wasn’t homeless, I’d totally go for it.” – Sam
• Patti LuPone’s guest spot where she gives Rachel the simplest and purest advice of “never give up” and called Finn cute.
• Kurt and Rachel’s “breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
• “It’s all over the Broadway blogosphere, and by ‘Broadway blogosphere,’ I mean the one blog that actually cares about Broadway.” – Goolsby
• Goolsby: “I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could…”
  Will: “I love my kids.”
  Goolsby: “What?! No, you don’t. They’re hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours looks like they haven’t been baked properly.”
• “You’re starting to tear up. People are starting to stare. They’re going to think I just broke up with you.” – Goolsby
• Quinn’s fab, short haircut.
• Puck initiating the Mr. Schue group hug.
• “It was the Superman of kisses. It came with its own cape.” – Finn
• Santana’s angry Spanish-fueled rant.
• Kurt’s musical based on Pippa Middleton “Pip Pip Hooray.”
• The secret hand holding action between Mercedes and Sam
• Santana’s Rachel Berry voodoo doll.

For another take on is week’s episode, check out If They Can Make It There by Alana D.

Season 2, Episode 22: New York (originally aired May 24, 2011)

Rewatch Glee Thursdays this summer on Fox.

Images courtesy of Craig Blankenhorn, Adam Rose, and Fox.

Part 1: Poptimal’s Best/Worst of the 2010-11 TV Season

It’s that time of the year again when our favorite shows are wrapping up for the season and we’re left in limbo waiting to find out what happens next. It’s been an interesting fall/winter TV season to say the least with very few breakout hits, plenty of cancellations, and some sophomore slumps. But the good shows kept getting better and now the writers at Poptimal are chiming in with their two cents about what went down this year.

BEST NEW SHOW

AMC’s The Killing may not be enjoying the media frenzy and cult following that The Walking Dead did earlier in the season, but its methodical exploration of the characters while continuing to focus on one slowly, deeply involving storyline has me hooked. While it can justifiably be considered a modern take on Twin Peaks, minus the bizarre panache of David Lynch, The Killing has managed to create an atmosphere and storytelling trajectory all its own. My only question is how far the series can continue once Rosie Larsen’s killer is nabbed – even the most enthralling of plots can only drag on for so long. AMC has done it again. – Erin Biglow

This TV season brought out the big guns with some very hyped and exciting new shows. Surprising to me was that the best two new shows seem a lot like old concepts that have been around the block.  The Killing, an American version of a Danish series, is more than just a remake. It is a poignant who-done-it that focuses on the repercussions of a murder and not just the crime scene investigation. It takes advantage of a subdued rain-soaked aesthetic and makes you really feel the characters’ emotions. It will haunt your dreams and turn a TV show into an obsession. In the reality realm, The Voice had to go up against comparisons to American Idol and within the first episode it put all doubts to rest. The show relies on the charisma of the judges/coaches and I have to give credit to The Voice for bringing an exciting new element to the singing competition genre and at the same time somehow making Adam Levine likable. – Gabe Callahan

WORST NEW SHOW – WHY IS IT STILL ON THE AIR?

This was a difficult choice as most of the really awful shows were cancelled (thankfully) but after watching Bob’s Burgers, I’m actually going to put this on my “why was this renewed?” list. Bob’s Burgers is on FOX which is the home of animated shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show and they also brought us Futurama and King of the Hill. Bob’s Burgers sadly fails to live up to the rest of FOX’s animation line-up. I just don’t find it funny at all and it’s pretty bland and boring. Sorry FOX. – Nicole Cukingnan

SHOW THAT WAS CANCELLED TOO SOON

Most shows try and find their footing in the first season and, admittedly, the first 10 episodes of Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, weren’t the perfection I’d come to expect from its predecessor. Still, the premise was interesting, both tying itself to the parent series while treading new ground and still tackling issues of politics, war and religion. The cast, including Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, Alessandra Torresani and the underrated Magda Apanowicz, deserve kudos for their performances with such dark and often existential material. After a long hiatus, the back half of the season was pretty epic and, sadly, we’ll now never get to know where the time jump at the end of the series finale would’ve taken us. – Josh Hatala

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT

The cancellation of United States of Tara - I’m hoping that this is the result of the world starting to realize that Diablo Cody is a talentless hack who got by with a marketable background and a little bit of luck. Like all of Cody’s work, United States of Tara was cloying, obnoxious, in love with itself, and overstayed its welcome time and time again. Her Oscar win was one of the most insane moments in Academy Award history and her work since that win has shown that when the rubber hits the road, she doesn’t know what she’s doing (sorry, Jennifer’s Body fans — all three of you). The show was an embarrassment for Showtime, who has consistently battled HBO in a relentless fight for the crown of Premium Cable Programming King. Maybe they’ll finally do it now that the court jester is finally out on its ass. – Keith Kuramoto

For me, the most memorable moment of the 2010-2011 television season was not a good one.  It was however, unforgettable.  A few weeks ago a show that I know and love, Grey’s Anatomy, inexplicably turned into something quite different.  Instead of the dramatic acting that I’d come to appreciate, I was subjected to my favorite characters belting out their lines, with varying results.  That’s right: they were singing.  And not in a tongue-in-cheek way; they were serious! Sorry Shonda Rhimes, I wasn’t laughing with you – I was laughing at you.  This is just one woman’s opinion, and I was roundly slammed by plenty of people who loved the episode.  I’m glad that this concept was just a one show deal, and I’m filing it under “Never Happened.” – Tanya Lane

MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER

Nothing against the beautiful Jessica Szohr, but Gossip Girl‘s Vanessa Abrams will go down as one of the most annoying, stupidest, clearly bipolar characters to ever grace our TV screens. The writers realized they’d boxed themselves into a crazy corner for which there would be no recovery, so they smartly decreased her screentime this past season. Sadly, that didn’t make her any less annoying. – Inisia Lewis

Emma Pillsbury on Glee. She is the guidance counselor with the unbelievably annoying voice that makes me want to scream SPEAK UP! because it always sounds like she is talking in the middle of a library. Her character annoys the crap out of me because she is so exaggeratedly prissy, childlike and spineless. Also, I just never care about her storylines and find her boring and grating to listen to. - Kelley Lynn

FAVORITE CHARACTER

Brittany on Glee - Anyone who thinks Dr. Pepper is a dentist and lesbians are “lebanese” is worth watching a show for. The writing on Glee is really killer, so for Heather Morris to rise above the Santanas and Sue Sylvesters is impressive. Brittany constantly out-dumbs herself, but I still love watching her every week. And I’m not even remotely ashamed to admit that I’d die to be on “Fondue for Two.” – Renata Sellitti

My favorite character in this season’s line-up of shows is a toss up between Ron Swanson (played by Nick Offerman) from Parks and Recreation and the lovable Phil Dunphy (played by Ty Burrell) from Modern Family, but in the end, the scale tips in favor of my favorite meat loving libertarian who once summarized his feelings about people like this:

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about other people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

Ron Swanson is a middle-aged man with a mustache only the gods could create and a desire for all government to end. But until that day comes, he heads the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department and wistfully prays for the day everything becomes privatized and all businesses run as smoothly as a Chuck E. Cheese. It’s a pipe dream, but he holds onto it nonetheless. While trying to keep a nutty cast of characters in line, Ron unwittingly functions as the glue of the Parks Department. Some may argue that is Leslie Knope’s job but I submit to you Ron Swanson’s name for consideration. Ron’s deadpan office management keeps everyone somewhat in check (I think the old live land mine he keeps in his office probably helps too). My favorite scene this season is when Chris Traeger (played by Rob Lowe) makes Ron come out into the open and sit in the middle of a large donut shaped desk. As Ron swivels to avoid anyone that comes his way, you can understand the sheer pain he feels in doing anything to assist Pawnee citizens. It’s a tragic moment as you realize Ron does his best work when he’s locked in his office playing with his 1933 Luger and eating giant Renaissance fair turkey legs. Cheers, Ron Swanson. –Aswathi Zacariah

Stay tuned for Part 2 when our writers name the most shocking season finale, the overall best and worst shows from the 2010-11 season, and much more!

Photos courtesy of IMDb Pro, The CW, ABC and AMC.

Glee Review: If They Can Make It There. . .

On the season finale of Glee:

New Directions is in New York, acting exactly like tourists from Ohio act in New York, only more colorfully dressed.

The members of Glee are suitably impressed.  Rachel wants to know “why it smells like it’s wet here all the time?” and Kurt’s amazed at the ability to order a steak tartare sandwich at 3am.  Puck and Zizes spend some time in Manhattan trying to order a Manhattan, until Will pulls them out of the hotel bar.  Sadly, Ashley Fink loses cool points by having a horrible reaction shot in this scene – she tries this comic, over the top look that seems completely out of character — are we really supposed to believe that a badass like Lauren Zizes wouldn’t have a fake ID, or, better yet, her own flask?

But instead of suitably enjoying their new surroundings, New Directions is holed up in the hotel room and given the assignment to write two new original songs.  Brittany tries out a song dedicated to her cup, which she performs quite joyfully, but Quinn suggests they leave the hotel to explore the streets of New York for inspiration.  They then sing a mash up of Madonna’s “I Love New York” and the “On The Town” version of “New York, New York.”  I’m sorry, but I kind of hate it.  Glee just doesn’t work for me outside — it just takes the cheesiness up a notch too far, into 80s dance movie territory.  They’re running around outdoor fountains in brightly colored jackets, and I just kinda want a gang to come by and push them all in.

Back in the hotel room, Finn wants to do a duet with Rachel for Nationals, and Puck tells him to just ask her out already, because they’re in New York, the city of love for everyone who has memorized pre-1990 Woody Allen movies, When Harry Met Sally, or for whom Carrie and Big are the ultimate love story.  While out, Rachel gets to meet Patti LuPone, and then gets serenaded with “Bella Notte” on a curiously quiet and empty street.  But when Finn goes in for the kiss, he is declined.  This is because Rachel wants to move to New York after high school and will have to leave Finn behind when she does.

While Rachel and Finn are macking, Will is singing, completely coincidentally I’m sure, Matthew Morrison’s “Still Got Tonight”.  He very much enjoys his time on stage.  But he can’t abandon his kids when they need him the most, so he puts the Broadway dreams on ice, for now at least.  Later, Kurt and Rachel break into the Gershwin Theater, allowing Lea Michele to return to her Broadway roots, duetting with Chris Colfer on “For Good” from Wicked, and they sound great.  Makes me really wish I could just watch Lea Michele on Broadway instead of having to watch her pretend that this Finn-or-Broadway storyline actually makes sense when Rachel still has a whole year of high school left.

Queen of Bitter Quinn decides that she’s going to tell Will about Rachel and Kurt sneaking off, but Brittany and Santana pull an intervention and tell her she needs to get over it.  Dianna Argon as Quinn then gives these really awful line readings – what is with the scenery-chewing this week? – but ultimately comes to terms with being popular-but-dumped by getting a haircut.  Really, that storyline was barely worth the paragraph I just allocated it.

At Nationals, Schuester tells New Directions that they have a pretty good shot at winning (which is when I knew they were going to lose), right before we see an awesome performance of “Yeah!” by an all-female glee club decked in short, floaty over the shoulder dresses and in-your-face dance moves.  Seriously, can I get some more of that?  Then Rachel finds Sunshine Corazon in the ladies’ room, where she’s having a meltdown.  Rachel talks her down, and Sunshine takes her place as lead singer in a Vocal Adrenaline number and she doesn’t sound half as good as she did when she sang “Listen.”  Again, another storyline barely worth the two sentences devoted to it.

Backstage before their number, Rachel tells Finn that she didn’t kiss him because she’s holding out for New York, despite the fact that it is an entire year away.  I mean, does no one else find this reason completely unrealistic and an obvious false obstacle just to keep them apart for 40 minutes of the 44 minute episode?  Anyway, they sing an original duet penned by Finn about two people who aren’t saying what’s in their hearts.  The song, “Pretending,” is okay; nothing special, and the instrumentality behind it does absolutely nothing for Lea Michele’s voice — she has to power her way over the song, and since the melody isn’t particularly memorable or challenging, you kinda forget everything she’s singing as soon as she’s done singing it.  It’s the kind of song that’s written for someone who doesn’t sing that well.  Plus, there are auto-tuned backround vocals which really don’t work for what’s ostensibly a singing competition.  But, I know, that’s not the point.  The point is that the song is literally about two people who aren’t telling each other how they are really feeling, which is Finn and Rachel, who then dramatically kiss at the song’s conclusion, which I thought was the best moment of the whole episode, but apparently is a whole mess of awkward for the Nationals’ audience. Oops.

Then New Directions launches into another awful song.  Santana sings lead, although it’s not like that matters since the song is totally auto-tuned, a dance number that’s called “Light Up The World” that is also instantly forgettable.  It’s hard to believe that the same people who sang something as awesome as “Loser Like Me” would then choose this dreck when the stakes were so much higher.  And the fictional judges at Nationals apparently agreed because New Directions doesn’t even make it to the next round.  Well, that sucks for them, although I’ve got to ask. . .what would they have sung if they had made it to the next round?  They only prepared two songs!

Back in Ohio, Kurt recaps Nationals for Darren.  And Darren — okay, Blaine, because Darren Criss is so awesome that he can totally claim whatever name he wants now, although I still think it sounds like an appliance — tells Kurt he loves him.  I take it back — this is the best moment of the episode.  Sooooooo freakin’ cute.

Then, back in the hallways of McKinley High, Brittany wraps up Season 2 for us.  The season wasn’t about winning, it was about acceptance. And it’s been a pretty addictive season overall, mostly owing to Kurt’s falling-in-love storyline (superior to the bullying storyline because I’m a complete sap), some great Warbler’s numbers, awesome cameos by Apple’s mom, and Glee drunk.  Sure, the show is still hopelessly incompetent when it comes to keeping up a consistent tone, plot, or character, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that final kiss between Rachel and Finn was pretty sweet.  But enough from me; what do you think about Season 2?

‘Till next season, y’all.

For more on this episode, check out Fairytale of New York by Inisia Lewis.

Season 2, Episode 22: New York (originally aired May 24, 2011)

Rewatch Glee Thursdays this summer on Fox.

Images courtesy of Craig Blankenhorn, Adam Rose, and Fox.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Apologize??? Never!!!

This week, The Real Housewives of New Jersey brings us the Aftermath from the showdown between the Giudices and Gorgas. I am sure you are still trying to escape the images of last week’s train wreck between the miniature Joes, the “Joelettes,” if you will, and a christening gone bad. Thankfully, this week didn’t bring us as much drama (how much can a viewer take?) so sit back, relax and let me bring you up to speed on some Jersey happenings.

We start out with Joe and Melissa Gorga stopping by cousin Kathy’s house (you remember Kathy  – she can see right into your soul, through the brick wall behind you and read the dollar value menu at the McDonald’s down the block…also, her husband, Rich, resembles the offspring of Jeff Goldblum and Betty Boop) for a nice dinner and to discuss the christening drama. Kathy and Rich inquire as to what the Gorgas’ “next steps” might be and Joe gets so worked up thinking about Joe and Teresa that he almost loses his cool again and has to use every fiber of his being to keep from karate chopping the table in a fit of anger. This guy is just like Mentos in a Diet Coke bottle – you don’t know exactly when it’s going to blow, but it will. Melissa isn’t much better – she just adds fuel to the fire by egging it all on. The Gorgas feel they are deserving of an apology from Teresa for everything that went down at the christening and are willing to sulk on their high horse until they receive it. The Guidices feel the same way so we are at a high horse stale mate. Kathy seems to think she might be a helpful peacekeeper, which obviously means she will be an unhelpful peacekeeper.

As a side note, I’d like to mention it’s Halloween in Jersey and to celebrate, the Gorgas and Guidices get all decked out. Teresa dresses as a super heroine she calls “Super T” who is supposed to rise above chaos and insanity but I think she meant to actually dress up as chaos and insanity because that is really what she resembles. This crew of Housewives has its fair share of nutsos but in the three seasons the show’s been on the air, Teresa’s been involved in at least 95% of all the savage fights. When you are the common denominator in all the drama, it’s hard to dress up as a super hero and fly around your house claiming to keep it all together…mostly because you don’t – you might wish you did, but you don’t. Jacqueline summed it up perfectly, “It just seems like every time Teresa says hello or congratulations, sh*it hits the fan.” Truth!  Teresa did knock it out of the park dressing up her youngest daughter as a gym teacher, basically a miniature Sue Sylvester from Glee…it was classic. Meanwhile, the Gorgas do Halloween on their own – Melissa dresses up as some sort of cat dominatrix and Joe decides to be a Snooki look-a-like. While Joe thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread as either a man or a woman, it’s hard to glean exactly why.

Moving on, this is the week of the annual Posche fashion show. This year, the fashion show is held at the Brownstone, operated by the Manzos. Teresa, Melissa and Jacqueline are all models in the show and arrive early for hair and make-up.  The air is thick with tension as Teresa and Melissa find themselves in the same room for the first time since the christening brawl – the two exchange fake pleasantries and proceed to walk to their respective corners to trash talk. These two are the poster children for dysfunction and seem to get more and more juvenile as the fashion show continues. They each assess one another’s friends, monitor one another’s mingling (maybe to make sure one wasn’t creeping up on the other with a machete) and each seem to be on the verge of a conniption.

As far as throwing a conniption goes, Teresa does not disappoint. During the fashion show, Kathy decides she’s going to try to broker a peace deal.  And as we all know a fashion show is obviously the absolute best place to negotiate a settlement between two warring factions, or daresay estranged family members. Kathy requests a moment of Teresa’s time and then proceeds to coo at Teresa in a soft breathy voice, “Whaaat haaapened? Whaaat haaapened?” You can almost see Teresa’s gear levels changing from “Idle” to “I must kill this b@#$%” as she tries to explain to Kathy that she didn’t do anything to trigger the christening brawl. Then Kathy decides she wants to blatantly hint that Teresa is lacking some mothering skills because she left her littlest baby girl alone in the christening chaos. Teresa’s rather low boiling point has been hit and she yells at Kathy to get out of her face because she’s “Done, Done, Done.” Caroline Manzo’s worst fear comes true as Kathy sets Teresa off and Teresa charges all over the place yelling and carrying on. Kathy let the genie out of the bottle and now the genie is one wrong look away from leveling the Brownstone. Thankfully, Caroline steps in and scolds everyone for acting like morons – just another day of policing crazy for Caroline.

This week marks the triumphant return of everyone’s favorite quack, Kim “G.” You might remember ol’ Kim from last season – she just pops up, pretends to be sane and then proceeds to be insane. She didn’t disappoint this week as she befriends Melissa and Kathy in order to sink her claws into Teresa, which involves labeling her butt “fat and crooked.” She is dying to hear all the gossip resulting from the christening brawl and I believe I actually see her mouth water as Melissa and Kathy recount the evening’s events. Kim “G” is useless and reminds me of a fly that hovers around crap.

While I could use a lot less of Kim “G” this season, I could use some more “Thank you Jesus’” from Melissa. After a count of FOUR in last week’s episode, I got NONE this week. While I do think four is pretty gratuitous, I reveled in how moronic she sounded with all her praising. Here’s to hoping for a good solid two praises next week.

All in all, this week’s episode seemed kind of boring as compared to last week’s but I guess when you get filet mignon one night and frozen burger patties the next, it’s hard to compete. But, we are still waiting for a resolution between the Gorgas and the Guidices and I’m betting there will be at least one more table pound along the way.  Until next week, folks!

Season 3, Episode 2: Drop Dead Gorgas (originally aired May 23, 2011)

Catch the family drama Mondays 9/8 central on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Andrei Jackamets/Bravo.

CBS Upfront 2011: Hits and Misses

The CBS Upfront in Carnegie Hall last week had the network declare their confidence with the lineup of shows they plan to bring back in the fall. With the least amount of shows facing the axe this year, CBS didn’t have as much room as they wished for all the shows they could bring on. So how do the shows they picked up fair?

Lets take a look.

2 Broke Girls – Max is a sassy, wise cracking, no-shit taking waitress working two jobs as she barely gets by in the big city. When the restaurant she works at hires the once rich, now broke Caroline, Max believes she has everything figured out about the spoiled woman until she finds her living on a subway cart. Feeling bad for Caroline, Max invites her to live at her apartment bringing two clashing personalities under one roof.

Verdict – Hit

 

How To Be A Gentleman – Scrawny white boy “How To Be A Gentleman” columnist Andrew Carlson needs to change up his image after a shakeup at his magazine. In order to become more of a ‘man’ to keep his job, Andrew seeks the help of Kevin Dillon’s Bert Lansing. After viewing the trailer I was going to write it off as a Miss, but something towards the end grabbed me. For the most part How To Be A Gentleman is a miss, but I will give give it two to three episodes before writing it off.

Verdict - Leaning Towards Miss

Unforgettable – Crime drama numero uno. A woman with an unforgettable memory remembers every detail of everyday except the day her sister was killed. As much as she tries to forget about the past, she can’t due to people from her past showing up (and that memory of hers).

Verdict – If you’re looking for a new take on a cop drama then this show will likely be a Hit for you. Otherwise on a network full of cop dramas – Miss.

Person of Interest –  Jim Caviezel is a presumed dead former CIA Agent living as a bum. Michael Emerson is a very wealthy billionaire who has developed a pattern recognition system which allows him to see who will be involved in a crime soon, either as criminal or victim. With the two of them working together CBS is delivering a kick-ass show about vigilante justice. If vigilante justice doesn’t sell you, then Michael Emerson should.

Verdict – Hit – Must Watch

 

A Gifted Man – A skilled surgeon takes his ex-wife out to dinner only to find out she died two weeks earlier in a car accident. She soon starts to reappear to teach him the “meaning of life.” Perhaps Grey’s Anatomy’s Izzy seeing her dead fiance Denny storyline has created a biased reaction to the A Gifted Man trailer. I hated that storyline when it aired on Grey’s Anatomy and to take the same premise and turn it into a television show just seems flat out ridiculous.

Verdict – Miss

 

Gallery images courtesy of Bilal Mian.

CBS Upfront Stage at Carnegie Hall CBS Upfront Stage at Carnegie Hall	CBS Upfront Stage at Carnegie Hall CBS Upfront Stage at Carnegie Hall	New Promo for Two and A Half Men New Promo for Two and A Half Men
Ashton Kutcher takes stage for the first time for Two and A Half Men Ashton Kutcher takes stage for the first time for Two and A Half Men	Cast of Two and a Half Men Cast of Two and a Half Men	Cast of Two and A Half Men Cast of Two and A Half Men
Cast of NCIS: Los Angeles Cast of NCIS: Los Angeles	Cast of NCIS: Los Angeles Cast of NCIS: Los Angeles	Cast of Blue Bloods Cast of Blue Bloods
Cast of The Good Wife Cast of The Good Wife	Wayne Brady, Poptimal Editor Bilal Mian, Drew Carey Wayne Brady, Poptimal Editor Bilal Mian, Drew Carey	Cast of The Big Bang Theory and Editor Bilal Mian Cast of The Big Bang Theory and Editor Bilal Mian

The CW Upfront 2011: The Hits and Misses

The 2011 CW Upfront was a step up from last year’s event in terms of new shows, but I’m still unsure on what they were aiming at with their social media integration. After a flashmob performance to Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, the Upfront got underway with the introduction of CWINGO and Shopkick followed by the trailers for new show pickups.

One of the many announcements that took place during the day was the networks new primetime schedule for the Fall. The schedule can be viewed here.

CWINGO is a social media integration project via Facebook that will allow viewers to play a game of bingo using scenes that occur in the show they are watching. If two people kiss, then you mark that on your CWINGO card. It’s essentially Bingo with show scenes instead of numbers. Winners receive badges they can showoff to friends. Not really exciting in my case. Plus who wants to look back and forth between the show and their laptop to mark off a spot on a virtual bingo card.

Verdict – Miss

ShopKick is a new marketing tool that will reward viewers for watching their favorite shows live. When the ShopKick logo pops onto the screen viewers are prompted to open the app on their phone rewarding them with discount rewards from advertisers. This is a fun little concept I see taking off. People already love using GetGlue and FourSquare. ShopKick has great potential to take off.

Verdict – Hit

Now onto the new shows!

Hart of Dixie – Let me get this out the way first. I love Rachel Bilson and I’ve been a huge fan of her since The O.C.. With that out of the way, I’m here to tell you I am not a fan of Hart of Dixie. Bilson plays Zoe Hart, an intellectual college grad, who hopes to make it big at her residency in New York City. After her dreams to become a cardio-thoracic surgeons fall apart, Zoe takes an offer in small town in the south where she must learn adjust to her new life and the people. After watching the trailer I felt the show forced the stereotypical city girl moving to a rural town storyline, with accents that didn’t make it any more believable. I also hope Bilson doesn’t do much narrating because she the trailer really didn’t do it for me.

Verdict – Miss

Ringer – This show is best known as “Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Return To Television.” Gellar plays two twin sister, Bridget, a recovering drug addict low life, and Siobhan, a rich, successful woman. After witnessing a murder, Bridget runs to her sister’s apartment for safety. During a trip to a lake, Siobhan mysteriously disappears causing Bridget to make the decision to steal her sister’s identity. Soon Bridget learns her sister’s life might be much worse and full of scandal than she ever imagined. I am a bit on the fence about the series due to the fact that CBS passed it up, but looking at what I’ve seen I can’t dimiss it outright.

Verdict – Hit

H8R – A new reality show hosted by Mario Lopez, H8R takes everyday citizens and puts them face to face with celebrities they hate. The trailer shown had a guy and a girl, one who hated Snooki, the other Kim Kardashian. After the celebrities view what their anti-fans have said about them, the celebs ambush their haters and spend a day trying to change their minds. The trailer had brought out the most laughs and positive reaction from the crowd easily cementing it as a much watch.

Verdict – Hit

The Secret Circle – From the creator of The Vampire Diaries comes a new story about a coven of young teenage witches and wizards as they discover their powers. There is also an evil wizard prancing around who happens to be the father of one the witches. The show has the entire supernatural/teen angst angle working for it and the time slot after TVD couldn’t have been a better spot. Fans of Vampire Diaries will feel right at home with the shows look and feel. This will be a huge hit for CW’s Thursday nights next Fall.

There are a lot more Hits than Misses for The CW this year and if the shows prove as strong as the trailers made them out to be, the network could be seeing a growth in its ratings this year.

 

Images courtesy of The CW.

Gallery images courtesy of Bilal Mian.

	Stage at CW Upfront Stage at CW Upfront
	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob
LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob
LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob	LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob LMFAO Party Rock Anthem Flash Mob
Cast of The Vampire Diaries Cast of The Vampire Diaries	Cast of Hart of Dixie Cast of Hart of Dixie	Cast of Hart of Dixie Cast of Hart of Dixie
Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Michelle Gellar	Sarah Michelle Gellar (Ringer) Sarah Michelle Gellar (Ringer)	Promo for H8R Promo for H8R
Mario Lopez talking about H8R Mario Lopez talking about H8R	Tyra Banks Tyra Banks	Tyra Banks Tyra Banks
Tyra Banks Tyra Banks	Cast of The Secret Circle Cast of The Secret Circle	Cast of The Secret Circle Cast of The Secret Circle
Cast of The Secret Circle Cast of The Secret Circle	Cast of The Secret Circle Cast of The Secret Circle	CW Actors and Actresses CW Actors and Actresses
CW Actors and Actresses CW Actors and Actresses	CW Actors and Actresses CW Actors and Actresses	CW Actors and Actresses CW Actors and Actresses

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