Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides Review: These Pirates Don’t Disappoint

The latest installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean series picks up where the previous movie left off, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is on the search for the Fountain of Youth, except things haven’t quite turned out the way he would have liked. Our favorite pirate finds himself in London being chased by soldiers of the British monarchy as news of the Spaniards searching for the fountain comes to light.

Some of our favorite characters from the series return, namely Captain Hector Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush) who is now a privateer under the crown. We are also introduced to new characters: Angelica (Penelope Cruz) and the feared Blackbeard (Ian McShane), who lo and behold are also looking for the fountain, in fact that really sums up the plot.

Jack is forced to search for the fountain because everyone thinks that he’s been there (when he hasn’t). The Spaniards are searching for it and so the British need to do so as well. Barbosa is sent by the British to look for it, though the former captain of the Black Pearl has his own hidden agenda for undertaking the mission. Meanwhile Blackbeard and Angelica are searching for it because the pirates want to use its magical properties to cheat death. Along the way we get swashbuckling, fantastic costumes, amazing sets, Keith Richards, supernatural ships, zombified crew members, flesh-eating mermaids, and plenty of comedy.

While this wasn’t the strongest film of the franchise, I absolutely enjoyed myself. Johnny Depp has not lost his touch playing the devious yet endearing Captain Jack Sparrow. Ian McShane and Geoffrey Rush both gave superb performances as Blackbeard and Barbossa and while I’m less impressed with Penelope Cruz, she wasn’t horrible either. The best part of the film for me had to be the gorgeous locations, sets, and costumes that really brought the world to life. The fight sequences were also enjoyable. We get to see Jack show off his skills with the sword, especially in his bout with Angelica. There are also big explosions, a fantastic scene involving dozens of angry mermaids and of course Jack getting out of one dangerous situation after another (one part involving coconut trees!).

This is the first film in the franchise not to be directed by Gore Verbinski and instead was helmed by Rob Marshall, who is best known for Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha and Nine. This is Marhsall’s first hand at an action-adventure film and he’s done a great job in bring to audiences an exciting and fun 137 minutes. The plot is loosely based on a book of the same name, written by Tim Powers in 1987, which also served as inspiration for the game Monkey Island.

I’ve always enjoyed pirate movies and On Stranger Tides is definitely on that list. Go see it for laughs, fun, and a moment of escapism into a world where the supernatural exists, there’s lost treasure to be found and adventures to be had.

Pictures courtesy of Walt Disney and IMDB

Pirates of the Caribbean Review: Stranger Tides, Familiar Fun

The fourth installment of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, On Stranger Tides, did not leave me wanting to punch someone, preferably Jerry Bruckheimer, in the face for mucking things up further. That’s a good thing. First and foremost, I’m sure he has fantastic lawyers.

I wanted to do more than punch him after going to see the second installment at midnight, only to be left with a sense of disappointment so deep it shouldn’t have been caused by a movie. But the destruction of fantastic potential is something to weep over folks, it is.

I suppose I’m getting a little philosophical about a fun, summer movie about pirates. I’ll stop.

On Stranger Tides opens in a scene that’s authentically Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), as he impersonates a judge in order to help old Mr. Gibbs (Kevin McNally) escape a hanging (in Jack’s place, mind you). Also per the usual, Jack’s plan doesn’t exactly work out and he ends up with an unexpected audience in front of King George. Someone using the name Jack Sparrow (minus the word ‘captain’, and you can imagine how that grates on the man himself) has been spreading rumors he’s looking for a crew to sail with him to the mythical Fountain of Youth. King George has gotten wind that the Spanish are also sailing for the Fountain, and the king has plans to get there first. Plans that include Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), now sailing under the English flag as a privateer.

For those who don’t know, a quick history lesson. The monarchies of the period knew sailing the seas to be a rough and dangerous job, and they all hated one another. When they saw profit or dominance to be gained, the kings hired pirates and gave them letters of mark that allowed them to operate (pillage, plunder, and murder) as long as their victims were the enemy of whichever crown they served.

Barbossa enters the picture wearing a curly white wig that can’t quite overshadow his sallow-faced, yellow-toothed appearance, though he claims to be all about serving King George and England. Jack narrowly escapes pursuit as he flees the palace, the last of his pursuers dispatched by his dear old dad in another priceless cameo by Keith Richards. As the two of them sit to have a drink, Jack hears again of another “Jack Sparrow” who is gathering a crew in that very bar.

He confronts the imposter, shrouded in darkness, and they engage in a swordfight remniscient of the first one between Jack and Will in the original (and still best) installment of the films. As this fight comes to a close, Jack (the real one) pulls his opponent in for a kiss and the firelight reveals her as Angelica (Penelope Cruz).

The two of them have a history, of course, in this case Jack seduced her in a Spanish convent just days before she was set to take her final vows. Since then she’s fallen in with a bit of a rougher crowd, and does her best to convince Jack to accompany her to the Fountain of Youth. Soon after their not-so-happy reunion she uses a poison dart to knock him unconscious.

When he wakes up, Jack finds himself part of an indentured crew on the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the famous flagship captained by none other than Blackbeard (Ian McShane). To complicate matters further, Angelica is the ship’s firstmate and claims to be Blackbeard’s long lost daughter.

Jack devises a mutiny that is quickly thwarted by Blackbeard’s supernatural control over his ship’s wood and rigging. Blackbeard lets him live because Angelica reminds him they need Jack to find the Fountain. And, as it turns out, they need to find the fountain because a recent prophecy has foretold of Blackbeard’s death, at the hands of a one-legged man, within a fortnight.

Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention Barbossa only has one leg now?

Angelica promises Jack the one thing he wants more than anything else if he’ll agree to help – the return of the Black Pearl.

I won’t go further into the plot because I don’t want to spoil some of the better surprises, but I will say there’s a bit of romance (surrounding a captured missionary played by Sam Claflin, who I’d certainly like to see more of), some traditional mermaids that would scare Ursula right out of her tentacles, and much, much more of the Jack Sparrow we know and love.

This is the best of the films since the first, the Curse of the Black Pearl. I’m not sure that’s saying much, since the second and third installments had pitiful excuses for plots and relied far too heavily on the paranormal for my taste. I have long thought getting rid of the Will and Elizabeth storyline would have breathed new life into the sagas, and indeed it has.

The performances in On Stranger Tides are nothing less than brilliant, all the way around. Penelope Cruz is mysterious, cheeky, and the perfect compliment to Jack’s snarky oddity. She engages him in witty banter but also adds more than a little sexiness to their interactions and for once it’s nice to watch Jack squirm. Rush’s Barbossa is better than ever as we again get to witness the depth of character under his gruff surface. This is a man with a code of morals, though they aren’t the same as yours and mine, and they don’t always put him on the same side as Jack Sparrow.

The historical Blackbeard was feared by all, pirates included, and is remembered as an evil man who cared for nothing and no one but himself and his treasure. McShane’s character doesn’t let us down, as this Blackbeard is merciless and cruel, shockingly so at times.

Without the drag of Will and Elizabeth’s relationship, the plot is free to move in more interesting directions. In a recent interview I saw Depp quoted as saying he didn’t think “they would ever run out of Jack Sparrow adventures.” This is most likely true. Sparrow is a well-developed character, one who entertains us and does what we expect by constantly doing the unexpected. There’s all manner of shenanigans this man could get into, and most of us would watch simply to see Depp step again into the character of Jack Sparrow.

He’s no exception in On Stranger Tides. He’s funny, often soft-hearted, spontaneous, and either luckier or smarter than we give him credit for. The relationship between him and Angelica is interesting enough, their interaction fun enough, to keep me riveted for at least another film.

I didn’t find this installment as funny as the first, but perhaps it’s simply that it’s no longer new. The initial Pirates film was such a shocking surprise, a true case of lightning in a bottle, and after the debacles of the second and third films, I was convinced they’d never capture it again.

And they haven’t, not with On Stranger Tides, but perhaps that’s the thing with lighting in a bottle. Once people expect it, it can never be surprising again. That said, this is an entertaining film featuring a character we all know and love, some outstanding, fun performances from a-list actors, and a twist on history that’s engaging and well-written.

You won’t be disappointed, I don’t think, if you expect nothing more than and entertaining, summer night at the movies.

Images Courtesy of Walt Disney and IMDB

 

Showtime Thursday Nights: Sex and Another City

The count down is nearing its end for Secret Diary of a Call Girl fans. The hit ITV2 series that’ s aired on Showtime in the U.S. for the last few years is close to the finale—or climax, as Belle would call it—of its fourth and final season.

For those unfamiliar with the show, it’s based on a series of books by famed London call girl Belle De Jour, who only revealed her true identity in 2010 after threats of exposure, and plays like a British version of Sex and the City. It follows the adventures of a young woman named Hannah, played brilliantly by U.K. national treasure Billie Piper, whose friends and family believe she’s a nighttime legal secretary.

Hannah does indeed work nights, only not as an administrative professional but as the exotic escort named Belle. When we first met Hannah/Belle four years ago, she explained in one of her conversations with the viewers that she lives two separate lives, one for Hannah and one for Belle. During the course of the series, those lives crashed into each and are now finally somewhat blended.

Since the show began Belle’s tried to give up her work and live an honest life with onetime boyfriend Alex (Callum Blue), which ended in her realization she could never leave her past behind. Hoping to face it and move forward, she wrote an anonymous tell all book and began a relationship with her editor (James D’Arcy), which ultimately ended in betrayal.

At the start of season four, Belle’s finally moved out of her apartment and into a luxurious new home. Her former employer, Stephanie (Cherie Lunghi), finds herself in some legal trouble, leaving Belle to look after her young daughter Poppy (Lily James), who doesn’t exactly know what the family business is. She’s also decided to take the plunge with her best friend and sometimes lover Ben (Iddo Goldberg), asking him to move in with her.

Over the course of the current season, we’ve watched Belle take a stab at her new role as Madame. She’s come into conflict with one of the other girls on the team, Charlotte (Gemma Chan), to hilarious ends. Some old clients pop up and some new ones join the ranks, including Stephanie’s police collaborator and her attorney. In one exciting episode, Belle even visits New York City to take meetings on her novel’s potential for a Hollywood film.

One thing I’ve always loved about the series is Belle’s on screen conversation directly with the audience. Her charm and humor go a long way toward us accepting the sympathetic story of a call girl who, above all else, lives by a strict moral code.

Maybe society wouldn’t deem her profession exactly moral, but there are ethics to the life she leads. Ben’s journey in accepting her career plays a large part this season as he deals with sharing his girlfriend with her clients.

Equally engaging is Belle’s journey. I struggle to even think of her as Hannah anymore, mostly seeing her work as the part of her that’s real, something she’s built and, excluding any obvious puns, worked hard for. Obviously she can’t be a working girl forever. Younger women are entering the profession and there comes a time to plan for the future.

While this is indeed the final season, both Piper and creator Lucy Preble have confirmed discussions for a follow up film version of the series. Fans get ready, because after the finale they’ve cooked up, you will be left screaming for more. Without spoiling anything, I can tell you the last few minutes of the series are both deeply satisfying and heartbreaking, coming complete with its own Adele song in the background.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl airs Thursdays at 10:30/9:30c on Showtime.

Celebrity Interview: Actress Melinda McGraw from Men of a Certain Age

You may know veteran actress Melinda McGraw as Terry’s (Scott Bakula) newest love interest Erin Riley on TNT’s brilliantly understated show Men of A Certain Age. Or maybe you saw her getting hot and heavy with Don Draper, as mistress Bobbie Barrett on AMC’s Mad Men. Perhaps you are living under a rock and aren’t familiar with or watching either of those shows. (If this is the case – get on board already – they are two of the best shows on television.)

Maybe you are old-school, and you recognize her as Melissa Scully from The X-Files. Or maybe you have seen none of these things. It’s okay, because you probably still know Melinda McGraw from her extensive TV and film career, including but not limited to Desperate Housewives, The Larry Sanders Show, The Dark Knight, and her latest venture in Skateland, a new coming of age film set in a skating rink in the early 1980′s. With a resume this extensive and varied, it is very probable that you do, indeed, know Melinda McGraw.

But those are just career bullet points. They don’t properly or fully describe the whole person. I bet you didn’t know that Melinda grew up in Dover, Massachusetts, and is, along with her family, a big Red Sox, Patriots, and Bruins fan. Or that she has a musical background; and used to play the saxophone and sing opera. I bet you didn’t know that Melinda’s guest-starring role on Seinfeld in the episode titled “The Good Samaritan” marked the first ever kissing scene for Jerry Seinfeld himself.  These are just a few of the fascinating little tid-bits that I learned in my one-on-one interview with Melinda McGraw. When she called me up at our appointed time to talk, my nervousness quickly turned to ease, and our interview began to feel like two old friends sitting down and chatting over a cup of coffee. Minus the coffee. Melinda McGraw was an absolute joy to speak with, and the conversation felt very natural and fun. Well, enough of my yammering on and on. Why don’t you read for yourself? Here is much of our conversation. . .

Tell me about the first real booking you ever got as an actress.

Well, I was attending drama school in England, The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London. Someone had dropped out of a touring production of “Twelfth Night,” and I was offered the role of Mariah. So I left school to go on tour for a year, and it was great. We went all over and stayed at these little inns and hotels, traveling by bus. That’s what they called it actually: the “bus and truck tour.” We went to Dublin, Sicily, so many places. It is a huge learning experience because you figure out early on how to do everything from costumes to set, all of it. You understand that it’s a job, a craft, a trade … and you see there’s no glamour in it.

Do you remember what you spent that first paycheck on?

Yeah. It was many paychecks, because we were on tour, so a lot of it I put right in the bank. The rest went to hanging out at the pubs at night. I drank a lot of beer. Smoked a lot of cigarettes. Was a bit thick in the waist back then.

I love it. If you weren’t an actress, what would you be doing?

It’s funny because a friend and I were talking about this the other day, and she said she could see me as a political activist. I mean, I have definite political opinions, but I guess I didn’t realize others would see me that way. I might be a writer of sociology. I’m fascinated by humans, and how complicated we are. Always stuck between angelic and animalistic. I’m interested in how people grow or don’t grow. That’s what is so great about acting. You are observing the human condition, and at the same time, getting away from yourself AND exposing yourself. I couldn’t do a 9 to 5 type job. I have a really low tolerance for boredom. I love not knowing what’s next, love the newness that a project or character brings. I could also be a food critic. Or a travel writer.

Or you could be a traveling food critic. Take private jets all over the world and eat amazing food, then write about it. If you don’t take that job, I’m going to.

(Laughs) Okay. I’ll take it.

One of the things I do here at Poptimal is write comedic reviews of reality/contest shows like Dancing With the Stars and American Idol. They are two of my biggest guilty pleasure shows on television. What shows do you watch that you are embarrassed to admit you watch?

Oh man. I love the Food Network. Worst Cook in America. Top Chef. I also get into those Do it Yourself Makeover type shows, like where someone’s kitchen cabinets fall apart and they cry. My favorite though is What Not to Wear. These two women basically surprise some unsuspecting person, tell them what’s wrong with their entire wardrobe, and then give them a whole new one with a makeover shopping spree. I put like 20 episodes on my TiVo and then if I’m ever sick in bed or something, I watch a marathon. For non-reality TV, I love Dexter. And The Office. Oh, and I think Tina Fey is the second coming … she is so smart and funny. Her book is hilarious. Have you read it?

Actually, I just ordered it this week. As a comedian and actor myself, Tina Fey is probably my biggest inspiration today. I’m kind of in love with her.

She has done so much for women in comedy. Because of her, nobody can ever say “women aren’t funny” anymore. They just can’t.

AMEN to that!!! Let’s talk about Men of a Certain Age. My husband and I are both huge fans of the show. Do you think it’s found its audience, and how much harder is it for a show to succeed in today’s world?

It is a lot harder. It’s hard for people to find you. It’s like if you opened up this great little boutique in NYC, but it’s in some remote area, like 11th Avenue and 3rd Street. Nobody knows where to go to see your store. Then after awhile, they move it to a different remote location, and no one knows where that is either. And the people who know where you are have to be really devoted to come inside, because who wants to go to 11th avenue? It’s too far. As far as the show finding its audience, there are a lot of devoted fans, like you. And the hope is that people like you will tell their friends about the show and how smart and funny and wonderful it is. I think this is why they moved it to a summer run, to hopefully pick up new viewers.  It’s really tough when a lot of your core potential audience is watching Monday Night Football. The hope is that new people get hooked, and then return later in the year for the regular season. Also, with a show like this, the writers can’t just spew out new episodes with little notice. The writing is too complex, and they craft it to perfection. So it works better in shorter spurts.

Well, I already tell everyone I know about the show, because I think it’s THAT good. I love that it is so subtle, and filled with everyday moments. So much of what happens isn’t even spoken.

Yes, I love that too. The show is so good at taking the mundane, and making it poetic. One of my favorite scenes from this last season had no words. It was just that image of Owen staring at the expensive piece of property, now an empty lot that he acquired from his dad when he took over the car dealership business. Because there are so many things he could be thinking, and you feel all of it. What’s the point of all this? Is this all there is? Will I ever move on from my dad’s legacy and create something of my own? And these are the great questions and themes of the show. All those mundane moments in life, and these modern American men, who have some serious questions about what it all means.

Absolutely. I loved the scene right after all three guys just got their prostate exams, and it’s a silent montage with music of the few minutes in that lonely hospital room. An old man walks by on a ventilator machine, and you can just feel the pain, the fear, and the vulnerability as each guy looks at him, seeing their own possible future. Then ten seconds later, the show makes you laugh. Incredible. Any upcoming developments for your character Erin that you can share?

Well, I can share that I’m still ON the show, so that’s a good sign. The last episode sort of ended with Terry telling the guys that he thinks he is in love. So, now we get to explore that. Does he tell Erin his feelings? How does she react? Does she run? Does he? I think Erin has a bit of loneliness in her, and part of her doesn’t know why. She is sort of asking herself those same mid-life crisis questions too, so it’s great to see that from the female perspective on the show as well, and how that will play out. I always love working with Scott. He is so incredibly sweet. (Melinda McGraw’s very first U.S. role was on the TV show Quantum Leap, where she worked with Scott Bakula for the first time.)

I want to switch gears and ask you about your husband, a composer. How did you two meet, and do you have a musical background yourself?

I do have a musical background. I played the saxophone for a long while, sang opera, and for awhile I thought about auditioning for the Royal Academy for music. Eventually, I got more into jazz and blues, and that is mainly what I sing now. My husband and I met at a blues club, but nothing came of it. Then, 4 years later, we had a blind date together. I didn’t want to go out with him, I didn’t want a relationship, and he was the total opposite of everything I had dated before him. I think we had 3 or 4 dates without even kissing each other or anything.  We would talk on the phone for hours. Just friends. Then one night I saw him play slide guitar at a gig, and that was it for me. Seeing his talent and passion did it. Plus, he’s really hot.

Can you tell me about JAMBO, and how it started?

Sure. JAMBO is the band that my husband and I started, and it’s real American blues / roots music for kids. It started from my husband Steve writing a song for our daughter Lucy, and then us not liking any of the kids music that was out there. So we started putting tracks down, creating more songs, and from there it grew. We play at festivals, parties, free shows, malls, all over. The idea is to educate  and expose kids to real, American live blues and roots music, using kid-friendly lyrics. The kids love it. They just wanna get on stage, jam with us, touch the guitars, everything. And when you see a 2- or 3-year-old getting into it with their parents, and the parent is having just as much fun as their kid, that’s the coolest thing. Music is an undeniable thing that we all have inside of us. You don’t need to talk down to kids with music.

I think the very idea of that is pretty incredible. What a great thing to be doing together in a marriage. Speaking of marriage, you portrayed the very married Don Draper’s mistress Bobbie Barrett on Mad Men.  Jon Hamm is so funny when he isn’t on that show, I just picture him cracking jokes in between those solemn scenes. Is that at all what he is like?

He is very funny, but he isn’t goofy. He is the lead on that show, so he has the responsibility to carry it, and to set a certain tone. So, he jokes around a bit, but it’s not like he’s pulling practical jokes and stuff like that all the time. He is very good at looking after the cast, checking in, being the leader. He is very supportive and witty. Great to work with.

Are there any dream roles you are dying to play, or actors you are dying to work with?

Yes. Dream roles … I don’t want to give away specifics because I’m working on some of these things … but there are a lot of real women, women in history, who have never been portrayed, whose stories haven’t ever been told. So, I’d like to play one of those women, tell that story of someone being brave and staring down society. Just fascinating, complex women who carve out their own way through all the noise. But, my quest as an actor is ALWAYS to play as many different types of roles that I can, and always be discovering new things.

Dream actors? Maybe Tina Fey?

Yes! Definitely Tina Fey. Also would love to work with Don Cheadle, Kate Winslet, George Clooney. Would love to be directed by him. And anything satire really. Something like Curb Your Enthusiasm where there’s all that improvising. One of my best experiences honestly was working on The Larry Sanders Show. Just incredibly smart and hilarious group of people.

I have to ask. When you guest-starred on Seinfeld, did you know what a big deal that was? Any sense of how iconic the series would become?

Yes. We knew. I mean, you knew it was something special. I remember just getting the audition was a huge deal, it was something everybody wanted to get. So, doing it was amazing. Also, that episode was the only one in the series directed by a cast member (Jason Alexander). And my kiss in the car with Jerry was his first screen kiss ever. He was nervous. Such a great experience. And, talk about another second coming … Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I love her.

Last question. Do you have a favorite phrase, motto, or saying that sums up the way you feel about life? Maybe something that you tell your daughter?

Yes. “Gratitude. Purpose. Joy.” It’s what I remind myself of when I’m having a bad day, and what I tell my daughter all the time. Gratitude for the fact that I’m here, that I can walk and talk, and that I’m healthy and alive. Purpose. Just always discovering and re-discovering what it’s all about, and living each day with purpose. And joy. Finding joy in all the little and big things. Those three words are my recipe for life.

Men of A Certain Age returns with six new episodes Wednesday, June 1 on TNT.
Skateland is in movie theatres now.

For more television reviews and interviews, click here.

American Idol Review: You Oughta Know Who Didn’t Make It To The Finals

Believe it, faithful Idolatry: another penultimate episode hath wrought two finalists to duke it out for the title of American Idol, and this year’s duel is perhaps the most anti-climactic in the series’ history. After comeback queen Haley Reinhart gave cornpone country teens Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina an unexpected run for their money, the Chicago chanteuse finally met her Idol end on Thursday, getting voted off at a respectable third place. With wailing rocker James Durbin shockingly sent packing last week, Haley’s chances of upsetting the country duo’s yellow brick road to stardom seemed entirely possible. Fresh off the success of her now-legendary performances of “House of the Rising Sun” and “I (Who Have Nothing),” former bottom-feeder Haley quickly roused her faithful fanbase to catapult her Idol trajectory clear past the judges’ expectations. However, all hope for an upset in the clearly calculated Idol-verse was shattered once the predictable outcome of Lauren and Scotty’s advancement to the finals was announced. Did America make the right decision? Well, they undoubtedly made the easy one. Let’s evaluate the variables.

In addition to peeks at the Top Three’s hometown visits, this week’s Idol installments saw the contestants perform three songs each – the first round, a song of their own choice; the second round, a song picked by intermittently relevant in-house mentor Jimmy Iovine; the third round, a song of the judges’ liking. As drawn out as this format sounds, an amazingly small fraction of Wednesday’s performance show consisted of the actual performances. I half expected a surprise fourth round of Seacrest’s picks to be announced last minute, but, alas, our eager host remains as uninvolved as possible with every musical aspect of the show. Just keep up the winking self-emasculation, Seacrest. It looks good on you. Instead, flashback footage of the contestants’ first auditions is aired, surely to help viewers ascertain just how far each has developed over the course of the season. In Scotty’s case? Well, his hair sure grew.

Nuts of Wonder’s self-chosen song is Lonestar’s “Amazed,” a twangy love ballad best known as the theme song to every American town’s high school prom in the late 90s, including mine. This week’s guest mentor, a polite and decidedly un-diva Beyonce, expresses surprising and endearing enthusiasm for good ‘ol Scotty, calling him a “cutie pie” with “such a charm” about him. God, even Mrs. Jay-Z isn’t safe from the inexplicable powers of Colonel McSneery. Apparently, Scotty is “saving his tricks” for the end of the season by breaking out his ability to actually hit notes above middle C, but I remain nonplussed with the results. Scotty’s got this formula down so pat, I’ve developed a classically conditioned, Pavlovian response to the sound of his voice in which my eyes glaze over and I lose all ability to focus on the task at hand – unless said task is investigating the ice cream in my freezer, which usually starts to beckon me by this point. After Randy makes sure to mention his professional connection to the song, go figure, J. Lo and Tyler only continue to pile on the praise for The Unstoppable McCreery. The judges, apparently, are still interested in the Scotty brand of apple-cheeked world domination, as is the rest of the voting demographic. I, on the other hand, have an increasingly troublesome ice cream problem on my hands.

Lauren’s picked Faith Hill’s uptempo “Wild One” to kick off her set of performances, and Beyonce supports the decision to start with a fast song, saying the beat helps Lauren “loosen up.” Citing the development of her onstage alter ego, also known as Sasha Fierce, as a way for her to combat her own stage fright, Beyonce actually gives Lauren some insightful performing advice she could use to her advantage in the future. Unfortunately, Beyonce’s wardrobe stylist doesn’t work for Idol and Lauren’s should-be-illegal onstage outfit makes her look like she’s about to throw a Tupperware party. In 1971. Sasha Fierce wouldn’t leave the house in that orange and pink halter tunic, or white plastic flower earrings the size of tarantulas. Lauren nonetheless gives it her vocal all, but her perpetual breathing issues are front and center and keep her performance in the county-fair range of success as opposed to the sold-out-national-tour side of the spectrum. Tyler says Lauren is “so ready for this,” if by which he means the finale of a national karaoke contest, I suppose he’s right.

I’m pleased to witness the clear evidence that, of the three contestants, Beyonce is clearly most impressed with Haley and her increasingly intriguing sense of artistry. B may think Scotty and Lauren are cute and all, but the word “star” never came up in her meetings with them. I’m just saying. Haley chose Led Zeppelin’s “What Is And What Should Never Be” for her first song, and is blessed with the privilege of having her guitarist dad rock out on stage with her during the performance. The stylists must like Haley best, too, since they’ve outfitted her in a KILLER black dress and stiletto heels that look divine, but unfortunately cause her to take a quick tumble mid-song. The cameras barely capture the moment, but it’s certainly on record. Haley reacts like a pro, never letting the gaffe ruin her tremendous performance or command of the stage. Command of the stage? From the girl whose arms I used to be convinced were possessed of a consciousness separate from her own mind? Yes, THAT girl.  After all the judges except J. Lo (hmph!) offer Haley another standing ovation, a beside-himself Randy notes how the Zeppelin song choice certainly was “not for the weak of heart,” and showcased Haley’s “fearless” tendency to take risks. When have Scotty and Lauren dared take risks? Introducing yourself to the treble clef doesn’t count, Scotty. J. Lo knows a thing or two about handling an onstage fall with grace, and dutifully admits “this was a good round” for the underdog.

Jimmy Iovine’s song choices for the second round initially prove fine-tuned and modern, including his assignment to have Scotty sing “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not,” a recent chart-topper from country duo Thompson Square. The contemporary vibe of the song gives Scotty the chance to strap on his gee-tar and rock out with the broad appeal of a crossover artist. Scotty’s palpable gusto makes it almost start to work for me, until, that is, those godforsaken eyebrows pop up to remind me why this show is so infuriating in the first place. Scotty McCreery will, after all, surely be a millionaire by the end of the year. Randy offers his biggest steaming pile of hyperbole this side of “IN IT TO WIN IT” when he says Scotty is approaching “Garth level,” and J. Lo flat out flirts with Scotty and asks him to cut his hair for the finale so it resembles how it looked during his first audition. No one, including Scotty, bats an eyelash at J. Lo’s assumption that Scotty will be in the finale. Of course not. Why would they?

Iovine chooses the gloomy “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry as Lauren’s second song, and she shows surprising perception when she acknowledges the song’s depressing lyrics as potentially “uplifting” if sung the right way. Unfortunately, the song’s content remains nothing short of downright dreary for me in spite of Lauren’s perpetually sunny disposition, and Lauren flubs a major cue to change keys. While some may argue a missed modulation isn’t as big a faux pas as tripping onstage, others (AHEM!) may claim that maintaining song structure is more inherent to a performance’s success than one’s dexterity in six-inch heels. Displaying reactions similar to other singers’ past technical difficulties, the judges continue to excuse Lauren’s mistakes under the guise that she was simply too wrapped in the “emotion” of the song to adhere to her obligations AS A SINGER. Please. J. Lo actually says Lauren was “caught up in the honesty of what she was creating,” while Tyler most likely made sure the word “beautiful” was used a time or two. I stopped listening after J. Lo’s pathetic critique, so I can only assume. Another safe assumption? Randy thinks Lauren is in it to win it. Just a hunch.

While Iovine picked recent country hits to help Lauren and Scotty transition to their post-Idol careers, he threw a curveball Haley’s way and had her sing Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon,” a haunting ballad other Idols have attempted in the past, but ultimately fails to capture the essence of Haley’s gritty edge. Even in the presence of a mildly ridiculous wind machine, Haley manages to let loose toward the end and give the song a bit of her signature sound, but the preceding measures felt more like a Stevie Nicks impression than anything else. J. Lo surprisingly says the performance was a “beautiful, ethereal moment,” in spite of the fact she thought Haley “would take it a bit further.” I would have liked Iovine to pick a recent hit for Haley, but “Rhiannon” provides a nice bookend to the maniacal classic rock of Zeppelin.

For the final round, each contestant is shown reading the judges’ song assignment in front of an adoring crowd in their hometown. Each contestant except for Haley, that is, who reads hers alone in a backseat. Scotty sings Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes In Me,” an odd pick from the judges that makes Iovine look downright tragically hip. Scotty comes armed with his usual arsenal of panty-dropping smirks, and the added bonus of his earnest stool perch easily earns another million votes or two. An older country song by an older country singer, however, gives 17-year-old Scotty the most lizard lounge vibe he’s had since his start on the show, and that’s coming from a kid who admittedly dressed up as Elvis for fun. The judges keep referring to the song’s “big chorus” that Tyler says put him “over the top” in favor of Scotty for the third round. Huh? J. Lo agrees, saying, “I guess you showed us” when she referenced the judges’ earlier skepticism about Scotty being able to handle this alleged “big chorus.” As far as I’m concerned, this entire performance is pure Scotty 101, and offers the same strategized ploys per diem. Nothing more, nothing less. Big chorus? Big deal.

When Lauren comes trotting onstage in a bona fide Disney princess dress to belt out Lee Ann Womack’s 2000 hit “I Hope You Dance,” it becomes clear Haley’s chances for the finals are grim. Indeed, the performance is the stuff of G-rated Idol dreams, as Lauren displays all the empty-eyed charm of a carefully drawn cartoon. The notes are there and the notes are pretty, but…that’s about it. And, sadly, that’s all she needs. J. Lo falls for it hook, line and sinker, saying Lauren gave her “goosies all over.” Okay, ew. Randy lets us know above all else he’s friends with Lee Ann Womack, God forbid he waste time critiquing the singer standing in front of him. It’s as though people think that’s his JOB, or something.

The judges’ song choice for Haley proves foreboding from the start, as Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” is neither network-friendly, nor particularly crowd pleasing for this bunch of straight-laced Scotty bots. Aside from the ludicrous lyric change to appease the families tuning in, the angry, wronged-woman tone of the song will likely have the opposite effect on voters that Princess Lauren’s rainbows of sunshine surely did. Could this BE more transparent? Unfortunately, Haley’s complete failure to deliver the verses of the song with either correct rhythm or words certainly doesn’t help. Her arm spasms of Idol yore also return amidst the chaos, and it’s beleaguering to watch. She finally gets it together by the last chorus or two, but the damage has already been done. I’d hoped for Haley to tackle the unplugged, acoustic version of the song Alanis herself performed at the Grammys some years back, but no such luck. Interestingly, the judges fail to clobber Haley for the uneven performance and J. Lo goes so far as to say “no one can match [her]” in sheer vocal power. Not even Scotty and his big choruses?

Thursday’s results show brought an extended look into the Top Three contestants’ trips home, in which parades and frenzy of varying degrees occurred. Haley was touched to see 30,000 people show up to hear her sing in spite of Chicago’s rainy weather, whereas Scotty’s hometown of Garner, North Carolina prepared for his arrival as though it were the Second Coming of Christ himself. Sorry, folks, that’s the 21^st. A shot of Scotty getting emotional and shedding some on-camera tears, as well as Lauren observing the South’s tornado destruction, managed to even melt my heart a bit, which has admittedly grown a thicker layer of ice with each passing Idol season.

After Seacrest announces 95 million votes solidified the identity of the final two contestants, obligatory time-wasting segments such as a 50 Cent performance and J.J. Abrams plugging his summer blockbuster Super 8, prolong the inevitable confirmation that this year’s Idol will be a teenage country singer. Despite Lauren’s undeniable likability among people other than myself, Scotty seems to have this thing so in the bag it might not even be fun to watch. His fans have protested over the fact he never got to sing last in any performance show, but they fail to realize this probably means he’s been so far ahead in the votes every week the producers feel no need to shill him more than they have to. This kid, after all, sells himself.

While the news of Lauren and Scotty’s positions in the final two come with no surprise, I find it nonetheless discouraging that American Idol has chosen, yet again, the safest contestants to support. Haley’s growth and evolution throughout the competition, despite her mistakes, was truly something to behold and helps illustrate the beauty of what it means to be an artist. Lauren and Scotty, while talented, demonstrate no further understanding of their talent and no discernible improvement in their technique. Lauren, in fact, sounded better in her audition footage than she has on many performance nights. Their marketability and likelihood of selling albums is a near-guarantee, but Lauren and Scotty’s inability to establish themselves as artists the way Haley, Casey, and James did only highlight the superficial nature of American Idol’s voter demographic and its lack of regard for substance when they see it.

Are you happy with the final two? Should Scotty have been crowned weeks ago? Did the judges sabotage Haley with their song choice? How astounded were you at the three Italian boys of Il Volo? Post your comments below!

For another take, read “Lauren and Scotty are “IN IT TO WIN IT, DAWG!” by Kelley Lynn.

Season 10, Episodes 36 – 37: 3 Finalist Compete and 1 of 3 Voted Off (originally aired May 18 – 19, 2011)

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Don’t miss American Idol Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX.

Photographs courtesy of FOX/Frank Micelotta/IMDbPro.

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Bones Review: Big Moments, Closed Doors

I liked this finale a great deal, in spite of the fact it didn’t bring out the big shocker finale guns, with one small but notable exception. We’ll get to that at the end.

The night started, of course, with a case.

Well not actually. It actually started with Angela (Michaela Conlin) spreading copious amounts of hot sauce on her lunch in order to induce labor for this baby that doesn’t want to come out. I wouldn’t have worried, if I were her. She should have known the baby wanted to make its debut in the season finale. It’s clearly an aspiring star.

At any rate, the case.

A body falls into a bowling lane with the pin reset, effectively scarring a bunch of children at a birthday party for the rest of their lives. Our team begins to investigate, and it doesn’t take them long to find out the bowling team contains a member we all know and love – but don’t trust – Max Keenan (Ryan O’Neal). Turns out everyone’s favorite criminal/loving father is an avid bowler, and when they go to him for advice he insists the only way to get the teams to talk during a tournament will be to go undercover. He seems to have ulterior motives in pushing his daughter and Booth (David Boreanaz) together as a couple even if it’s for show, which is kind of cute but also kind of weird, if you ask me.

So the two of them head undercover, Booth sporting a gorgeous mullet and Bones (Emily Deschanel) with 1980’s curls and a wad of gum the size of her face. They’re often at their best while playing other characters, and this assignment is no exception. They’re hilarious, from their accents to their wardrobe, to their (faked?) affection for one another. In the past the writer’s have taken these scenes over the top (anyone recall the Jersey Shore episode?) to a point where they are nothing but insulting but tonight, while they do make fun of the, um, stereotypical person who might frequent a bowling alley, it seems to be in good fun.

After last week’s heavy episode, which included the death of one of our favorite squinterns, this finale is very tongue in cheek, lighthearted, and funny bordering on ridiculous at times.

While Booth and Bones ferret out the killer at the bowling alley, Sweets (John Francis Daley) interrogates their prime suspect in yet another interview scene that leaves me in stitches. I hope they write in more scenes for the shrink/man-child next season because for me, he really makes the show.

Angela goes into labor while trying to help Wendell (Michael Grant Terry) and Hodgins (T.J.Thyne) identify the murder weapon. Hodgins does such an adorable job portraying a nervous, first time husband and dad, and he has for the entire season. They are, in my opinion, one of the best written “happy” couples on network television and it’s refreshing to see a relationship play out that feels real, like we could learn something from them. They don’t have any manufactured drama, their love for one another is a foundation that keeps everything that comes at them on an even keel, and they’re just beautiful to watch.

As Angela breathes and screams through the pain of natural childbirth (you go girl), Wendell Skypes in from the lab and the three of them continue to work on the case. Their help gives Booth and Bones the answers they need, and they catch the killer – the guy who works behind the shoe counter. Apparently the deceased thought it was unlucky to wear socks in his rented bowling shoes (now THAT is disgusting) and some fungus made the man’s fingernails fall off, after which he lost his girlfriend. Sadface.

When he admits to killing the guy, the rest of the people at the bowling alley advise Booth to just let the killer go since the guy he killed was pretty much an all around jerk. Sometimes when the show’s writers go for funny cases or outcomes they miss the mark completely, but for this finale it worked.

It’s a good thing they went with a funny case, too, because when Angela has her baby – a boy, who is not blind – I cried like the silly woman I am. Hodgins brings the little guy out to meet everyone while Brennan sneaks in to give Angela a gift and ask how it went.

Booth and Brennan are walking home, talking about the night, when Bones comments on how happy Angela and Hodgins seemed. Booth seems surprised he has to explain but he does, telling her “they love each other and they just had a healthy baby. It’s the best day of their lives.”

At which point Bones tells him she’s pregnant and that its his, and Booth responds as we know he will, with a stunned but growing smile.

Okay. I am personally of the opinion that Season 7 will be the final season of this show, and it is time for these characters to get together and see if they can make a life as a couple. I suspected something like this would happen when I learned Emily Deschanel and her husband are pregnant in real life, and honestly, I think this is an interesting way to push her beyond her character’s established emotional limits.

What I didn’t like?

We’ve watched, and waited, and had some near misses when it’s come to these two. For SIX YEARS the faithful have suspected one day we would be rewarded for our loyalty, and that even if we had to wait for the close of the series we would get to see the main characters get together. Now they’ve robbed us of the chance to SEE it. We didn’t get to see them kiss, or the expressions on their faces, or revel in the triumph of the moment. I’m not bothered this is the direction we’re going, I just wish the writers had given their audience our due.

Season 6, Episode 23 “The Change in the Game” (original air date May 19, 2011)

Bones has been picked up for a 7^th season and will air Thursdays this fall at 9/8c on Fox.

 

Grey’s Anatomy Review: A Season Finale That Never Fails

There are some things you can count on, almost like the rising of the sun each day. Water is wet.  The sky is blue.  And a Grey’s Anatomy season finale will be epic. Oh sure, I’ve had my quibbles with the show over the years.  When Izzie was seeing dead people, I was highly annoyed.  When characters were singing a few weeks ago, I scoffed mirthlessly.  But when a patient’s disgruntled spouse shot up the hospital – I was riveted.  Similarly, when it’s time to go out with bang – Grey’s Anatomy delivers and this finale was no exception.

Last week, Alex uncharacteristically spilled the beans about Meredith’s interference with the Alzheimer’s trial.  Alex and Meredith are good friends, and he didn’t do it thoughtfully.  He did it at a bar, and seemingly for no reason.  That’s why I don’t respect it.  It’s not that no one should tell on Meredith.  What she did was horrible from a professional standpoint, and for many other reasons.  But Alex isn’t a goody two shoes, and that’s not his style.  The only reason he blew the whistle was because he was having a bad day and a competitive moment.  Now he has to live with the consequences of his actions; but more importantly – Meredith does. The fallout is instantaneous.  Derek is livid and wants answers.  So does Chief Webber, but Meredith reveals nothing in an effort to minimize the damage.  Webber asks a reluctant Alex for information and he begrudgingly gives a report about when he saw Meredith do what she did.  From that information the Chief is able to deduce that Adele was the patient with whom Meredith tampered.  This softens him a bit, but Derek is unwavering in his furor.  The Chief goes through the motions of suspending her, and ripples spread through the hospital as word travels.  Cristina takes Alex to task for snitching, and you can tell that he regrets it.  It’s too late now.

Meanwhile, the Chief Resident will finally be named.  It was Alex’s to lose, and lose it he did.  Hunt names April Kepner, of all people.  Talk about a shock! April has come a long way, but I don’t think she’s got the proverbial stones for the job.  Since Meredith, Alex, and Cristina were not options, Hunt should have gone with Avery.  He’s proven himself honorable and selfless, and he’s a doctor that people would respect.  I’m not sure April is there yet.  If there was any doubt as to why she was chosen, Hunt makes it clear to Alex who can’t believe Kepner was selected. Hunt angrily tells Alex that after betraying one of the most well-liked people in the entire hospital who happened to also be one of his best friends, no one would trust him or come to him with anything.  Earlier he tried to do damage control by telling Hunt that he only revealed what Meredith did in an effort to prevent her from becoming Chief Resident, not to get her fired.  Hunt said that if he blew the whistle without thinking it through, then he’s just as dumb as Meredith.  Great point!

For a minute it looked like there would be another classic disaster situation at the hospital, when word arrives that there has been a plane crash and that the survivors will be coming to Seattle Grace.  Surgeries are rescheduled and patients are bumped to make room for the crisis.  This includes Teddy’s husband Henry (the patient she married).  They wait and wait, but no one arrives.  Sadly they realize that no one is arriving because there are no survivors.  All of the families have gathered in the cafeteria awaiting news, and now instead of being apprised of their loved one’s injuries, they will shortly be making funeral plans.  Tragic, but I’m glad the writers didn’t rely on this tried and true hospital drama mainstay: the emergency/crisis/disaster. Been there done that. 

There were some big relationship developments in this episode.  When Meredith and Derek discuss her actions, he is unmoved to hear that Adele was the patient she helped.  What makes matters worse is that Meredith grasps the severity of what she did, but doesn’t recognize that it was a mistake, because it’s a “complicated” situation.  I agree that it is, but look at the consequences.  She made a grave mistake and for Derek to hear that if she had it to do all over again she’d do the same thing, it’s just too much for him to take.  He says that Meredith has been saying for weeks that she wouldn’t make a good mother, and maybe she’s right.  He doesn’t want to raise a child with someone who doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong.  Who knows what will happen with Baby Zola now?

While Meredith longs to be a parent, nothing could be more distant of a desire for Cristina Yang.  She’s said before that she doesn’t want children.  Owen sort of assumed that this would change one day.  While asking a potential blood donor about her last period, Cristina realizes it’s been a while since she had her own monthly visitor.  She gets Lucy to perform an ultrasound and finds out that she’s 6 weeks along. Damn!  This is disastrous for Cristina.  When she tells Owen he tries to balance between joy and soothing Cristina, who is not happy at all.  He repeatedly tells her that he loves her and that he wants her to be happy.  He knows that she’s not happy about this; but they can talk about it.  I wonder if she’ll come around, but she does not.  At the end of the episode she decides that she will get an abortion.  I think to myself: he’s gonna divorce you, and I don’t blame him.  He kicks her out and she goes to Meredith’s place – which by the way is empty because Derek is M.I.A.  And Meredith has Baby Zola, temporarily. 

Alex is having a rough day.  He snitched on his bestie and ruined his chances for Chief Resident.  Remember last week that Lucy stole his job in Africa.  While he’s drowning his sorrows at the bar, Lucy comes in and says “Tell me not to go to Africa.”  He responds, “Go to hell.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Honey, get over yourself.

There were MAJOR cliffhangers in this episode.  Will Derek and Meredith reconcile and be one big happy family?  Is April really cut out to be Chief?  Will Owen take Cristina back?  My guesses are yes, no, and no.  I can’t wait until next season!  Shonda Rhimes, YOU DA MAN, and I mean that as a total compliment. You rock!

Season 7, Episode 22: “Unaccompanied Minor” (original airdate May19, 2011.)

Images courtesy of Randy Holmes and ABC.

Top Chef Masters Review: Love and Onion Rings

It’s date night on Top Chef Masters and who can deny the irresistible combination of amour, wine, and … onion rings? Well I suppose this makes sense to someone, and we’ll meet that particular couple later because now it’s time for the Quickfire challenge.

For the Quickfire challenge this week, the chefs are tested on their food knowledge from relying on just their senses, as in taste, touch, and sound; that sort of thing. The chefs have to identify the most that they can of five mystery ingredients, relying on just one sense. The chef who gets the least amount correct in each round will be eliminated. The first sense taste knocks Floyd out as he gets a surprising zero right out of five. I suppose that it’s a good thing he’s out so early seeing as how he has issues with the dark and most of this challenge takes place under a blindfold. And charity or not, without immunity it’s just not worth it. Second is smell where the chefs hold a series of food up to their noses to try to figure out what it is. Traci is out this round. Next up is touch and the chefs by far succeed better at this challenge because the two eliminated contestants only missed one ingredient. But it was Mary Sue and Hugh’s perfect scores that made it through to the finals to test their sense of sound. Going into this round Mary Sue states that she has a distinct disadvantage because she grew up with a hard-of-hearing parent and is more used to loud sounds to accommodate her. And indeed, Hugh cleans up this round snapping up the requisite three guesses before Mary Sue even gets one. Hugh wins five thousand dollars for his charity although he gets no immunity because from now on immunity will not be available for a Quickfire win. And with that we’re off to the elimination challenge where we finally learn what in the world onions have to do with romance.

Elimination challenge: For the challenge this week, host Curtis Stone brings out a special guest, some guy named Chris who is about to propose to his girlfriend. The chefs are tasked with creating a 6 course meal inspired by the couple and moments in their relationship. To get a little more insight into the couple, Chris gives the chefs background on his and Victoria’s relationship, which involves Paris, I love you and bracelets. It all sounds awfully sweet, and I suppose for an admitted non PDA type guy we can forgive Hugh for feeling a little sick at this challenge. Although when you take into account that Hugh got engaged as he says on Valentine’s in a French restaurant, you have to wonder if the dude’s pulling the wool over our heads and he just doesn’t want to let us know that he’s already compiled a sweet little melody based on this couple’s love. Ah, love. Floyd seems to be enjoying this challenge as the couple’s story reminds him of his own relationship with his wife.

The chefs divide the meal up into courses with Traci taking the dreaded dessert course, because as she says everyone else has already done it. She plans to do a red velvet cake and apple pie. Hugh decides to do something with beef, because the couple both like it, and he also makes onion rings which are supposed to symbolize the bracelet. Now, I wouldn’t look at an onion ring and think bracelet, I’d just think ‘really big ring’ which I suppose is what you could call a bracelet, so there you go. Floyd decides to go back to his roots and bring some strong flavor to this challenge in the form of Kama Sutra black pepper shrimp. Yummy. Naomi is making some sort of fried chicken and Celina is going for a beer and pretzel theme with a salad with beer sauce and a handmade pretzel.

First off, Traci is having issues with every machine imaginable in the kitchen. First the scale doesn’t work correctly, then the blender breaks; it’s just a bad deal for her. She wastes so much time with the machines that she has to scratch all plans for the red velvet cake and just focus on the apple pie. Mary Sue finds a slight delay with her food as in the middle of preparation she cuts off the tip of her thumb. It’s bloody and frankly disgusting, but for Mary Sue it’s nothing but an annoyance and she just patches it up and continues on. I do of course admire her persistence, but more than that I’m really freaked out, I don’t want to hear of anyone throwing their thumb in the trash.

The chefs are joined this week in the kitchen by the mothers of the potential bride and groom who are watching all the action from the wine room. First up is Floyd whose spicy Kama Sutra shrimp really puts judge James in the romantic spirit. Fun fact, one of the judges this week Gael Greene, is a former one night stand of Elvis Presley. Now I’m not sure how I feel about this, but let it suffice to say I do feel in a certain sort of way that astonishes me that I’m watching a woman who was this close and a little more to Elvis. And yes, I do feel a little dirty about it, but I’m mostly intrigued.

Celina is up next and while special guest Victoria loves the pretzel and salad, the judges think that it’s an immature interpretation of the challenge. Next are Mary Sue and Naomi who both fare well in front of the judges; they like Mary Sue’s clams and the rustic quality of Naomi’s chicken. The judges seem to like Hugh’s focus in his dish and they found Traci’s apple tart to be dry. And now the meal’s over and Curtis introduces Chris, who proposes; she says yes and they exit happily ever after with affectionate mothers in tow.

At the judges table, Naomi, Mary Sue, and Floyd are called in as the top three. Although they loved Floyd’s grisly seasoned shrimp and Mary Such perfection in execution of her dish, it was ultimately Naomi’s attention to detail in her rustic chicken that pulled through bringing her the challenge win with 10 thousand dollars going to her charity. Celina, Hugh, and Traci are in the bottom three, much to Huch’s chagrin and he makes sure the judges know it by saying that he disagrees with their verdict. But it doesn’t matter because Hugh’s chewy chicken, Traci’s dry pie, and Celina’s disjointed pretzel and salad are now on the chopping block.

After talking it over, the judges agree that even though Hugh “cooked down” to his audience, Celina’s salad and pretzel combination shouldn’t be spared and she is eliminated. But if it makes it any better, they all enjoyed the pretzel… You’re right, it totally doesn’t.

Season 3, Episode 7: “Date Night” (original airdate May 18, 2011)

Top Chef Masters airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

Photos courtesy of Nicole Wilder and Bravo.

American Idol Review: Lauren and Scotty are “IN IT TO WIN IT, DAWG!”

Well kids, it’s May 19th in Idol-ville, and we all know what that means – only three more days until DEATH! The rapture is coming, the rapture is coming! And when I say “rapture”, you know I mean the inevitable American Idol title going to that country tool on a stool Scotty McCreery. It’s going to happen. We are just mere pawns in this evil show’s game. But if you are anything like me, every season you vow to never return. Every year, you say “This is such bullshit! How could they send so-and-so home? How can this mediocre person with boring talent win the entire thing? It’s fixed! I’m never watching again! NEVER!” – and then you find yourself watching, again, the very next year. It’s just like Michael Corleone said in The Godfather: “Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in.”  So here I am. . .angry that my top picks Casey Abrams and James Durbin are both gone, and that I now have to vote for my Idol the same way I usually vote for my President, the lesser evil of all the evils gets the vote. In this case, that is Lauren Alaina.

It is “Hometown Week” on Idol, which is the week where the Top 3 contestants get to visit their hometowns in style.  They are greeted with huge parades in their honor, often given the key to their city (whatever that means), and adored by their now gigantic fanbase. Normally, I look forward to this, because it is reality television manipulation at its finest. There are long montages with sappy music as each contestant goes home, hugs everyone, and almost always breaks down crying at some point because they are overwhelmed with the fame they have achieved.  It really makes you fall in love with whoever is left, if only for a few minutes while you relish in their joy. However, this year, we were screwed. All we got was a lame, very short video upfront that showed each contestant touching down in their hometown, followed by maybe 20 more shared seconds of the hometown visit. I had to see it on FOX News that McDreary actually showed human emotion and cried while peeking out of the limo and seeing the thousands of people awaiting his arrival at home. They should not have cut out the hometown visits or shortened their footage - I felt ripped off; I wanted to see the Top 3 “go home as heroes,”  as Seacrest has told us over and over again. I was looking forward to crying, and then getting angry at myself for crying over this manipulative emotional game. Instead, they built up “Hometown Week” for the longest time, and then showed us almost none of it! Lame.

In any case, this weeks performances were broken up into 17 Rounds. No they weren’t. I’m just kidding. It was 3 Rounds. See? Now 3 doesn’t sound SO awful, does it? It went like this: Round One was Contestants Choice – they could pick any song they like. Round Two was Pompous Douchebag Jimmy Iovine’s Choice, because he clearly has the need to feel important. Round Three was the Judge’s Choice – this is the one where they get the famous “text” from the judges during their hometown visits revealing which song has been chosen for them, and dramatically read the song choice in front of their fans. Or in an empty limousine, as they had Haley do. Whatever.

This week’s “mentor” for Round One was Beyonce, whom Seacrest refers to as “a triple threat times two.” WHAT??? What the hell does that even mean? Seacrest enjoys saying things that make absolutely no sense, and saying them as if they make total sense. When is he going to finally fall down those stairs already? Anyway, Beyonce is the mentor. Why? Well, because she has a brand new video to premiere, of course. And what better place to premiere it than right here on the American Idol stage, live, for millions of television viewers? In exchange, she has to “mentor” the contestants. It’s sort of like the Hollywood version of a drug deal. “Hey, psssst … Beyonce! Yeah, yeah, YOU! … Listen up .. we know you got that new video out, right? If you want it to be seen, you’ll come to our show and mentor these kids. Just stand there and say some bullshit …it’ll be fine. Oh shit …the cops are coming! I’m outta here!” Now, I put the word “mentor” in quotation marks because Beyonce didn’t really mentor at all. She honestly said almost nothing of importance, and just told them each how wonderful they are and to “just be yourself.” Wow. Brilliant. However did they get this far without that generic, obvious advice? It’s a mystery to me. Let’s get right to the performances. Dim the lights … here we go ….

ROUND ONE / CONTESTANTS CHOICE

1. Cocky “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary:

The song choice was “Amazed” by Lonestar, which we have heard at least 72 other times on this show in the past. McDreary’s version, was, of course, the same thing he has been delivering up for the whole season. It came complete with a red-checkered shirt, belt buckle, and his classic sing outta the corner of my mouth in my douchey low-voice delivery. This time, he leaned against the piano as he mugged and winked to the camera, knowing full well of his power on good American people; his cross around his neck and his smirk out to the world as if to say: “I got this, America. You know it and I know it. I’m Scotty, gosh darnit, and I’m the winner.” I honestly don’t know how to critique his songs anymore, because they all sound the same to me. It’s the same thing each time. It’s not awful, but it’s definitely nothing special. It’s mediocre, and it’s just a guy singing simple country songs who sounds a lot like another guy named Randy Travis. The judges, of course, acted like it was the greatest thing they had ever witnessed on God’s green earth. Randy Jackson, who was dressed like a black Mr. Belvedere, made sure we all knew that HE once recorded that song with Boyz 2 Men. Yes Randy. We get it. You are important in the music industry. Please stop with the name-dropping, it’s getting embarrassing. Steven Tyler thinks everything and everyone is “beautiful.” Scotty’s song was “just beautiful.” I swear, if he says the word beautiful one more time, I’m never watching this show ever again! (which, of course, means I WILL be watching it again. Sigh.) Randy declared Scotty as being “IN IT TO WIN IT!” Ugh. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to IdontneedyourVoteyouSchmuckImtheWinner.

2. Lauren Alaina:

The song choice for Lauren was a good one with Faith Hill’s “Wild One.” It showed off her vocals well, and she gave a really nice performance. I really think they should have found some bigger earrings for her though, because that pair of ginormous ones clearly wasn’t attacking her face quite enough. Guess what the judges thought? They loved it! Steven Tyler loved it and called it beautiful. Can you imagine? Has Steven Tyler ever NOT enjoyed a performance or actually given criticism? I don’t think so. Randy thinks that Lauren is also “IN IT TO WIN IT!” To vote for Lauren Alaina, text the word VOTE to VoteallYouWantIDontHaveAchanceInHell.

3. Haley Reinfart:

Let me start by saying I do not love Hailey. Not a fan. I understand that she has talent, I get that. But her vocals turn me off. The whole grunting thing sounds forced and unnatural to me, and I hate the way she smiles through every song, no matter what the lyrics are saying. Lastly, her movements make her resemble a drunk puppet who has to pee. All the arms flailing about, and how she aimlessly wanders the stage like she is lost and doesn’t know where she is. Hailey looks like if a hippy 60′s chick, a puppet, and a mermaid had a threesome. Now, all that being said … I thought that her song choice of Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be” was very brave on her part, unconventional, and kind of awesome. I also really enjoyed her version of the song, especially toward the end when she just wailed and it sounded so soulful. Toward the beginning, it sounded as if her voice was much too thin for this song, and almost like she was sucking on a helium balloon instead of singing.  But it got better. The coolest part to me was that her dad is a guitarist, and she had him perform with her, and he kicked ass on the guitar solo. This was a fantastic song choice, and an overall good performance from her.

Now, let’s discuss the fact that she fell. Yes, Haley fell. As she did her usual aimless wandering thing, down by the judges table, into the audience, then back up toward the stage, she tripped and fell UP the stage, which I found funny. When this happened, two things immediately went through my mind: 1. You see??? Every week she is like a drunk puppet up there and I KNEW she would eventually fall down or trip. It was inevitable!!! 2. WHY THE HELL COULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN SEACREST??? Why can’t Seacrest trip down those stairs or at least somewhere on the stage? Someone finally trips and falls and it’s Haley? How boring. Seacrest needs to tumble down those stairs and FAST! Quick! Somebody! Make this happen! All three judges declared Hailey the winner of Round One, and Randy thinks she is “IN IT TO WIN IT!” To vote for Haley Reinhart, text the word VOTE to WalkMuch?

ROUND TWO / POMPOUS ASS JIMMY IOVINE’S CHOICE

1. Tool on A Stool McDreary:

The song choice from Iovine was “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” which asks the question “Are you gonna kiss me or not?” This song made me picture random people kissing Scotty’s weird mouth, and that made me think about how he probably kisses out of the corner of his mouth just like he sings, and like he somehow plays guitar sideways. After picturing this, I felt like I might be sick and had to excuse myself. When I returned, McDreary was still singing and playing his GEEETAR, this time in a blue-checkered shirt with a different belt buckle. This performance was the same as all of his other performances, and none of it matters, because he won the show months ago, so why are we even here? Tyler proclaimed the performance “Beautiful”, J.Lo said that a lot of girls out there want to kiss him (YUCK!), and Jackson yelled: “IN IT TO WIN IT!” Somebody please put a muzzle on that man. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to ILoveJesusAmericaAndMyGrandpaWhoRaisedMeRightSoImGonnaWin

2. Lauren Alaina:

I thought that Iovine’s song choice for Lauren was a great one with “If I Die Young” by the band Perry. The lyrics are movingly sad and yet somehow uplifting as well. The performance was emotionally great, as Lauren really got into it and her vocals soared beautifully. She got so into it, that she totally missed her key change toward the end of the song. It was quickly recovered and not a giant, horrible thing, yet, the judges still managed to NOT judge and only give positive feedback. J.Lo pretty much told her that her mistakes don’t matter because her tone is so gorgeous, while Tyler said it was a “beautiful song, beautiful moment.” Seriously? Does he know any other adjectives other than beautiful? Someone get the man a dictionary so he can learn some new words. You know, it is times like these where the contestants NEED some honest, and yes, sometimes negative criticism, that I really, really miss Simon. Aw hell. I ALWAYS miss Simon. To vote for Lauren Alaina, text the word VOTE to SeriouslyDontEvenBother.

3. Hailey Reinfart:

The Great God of Music has spoken, and he bestows upon Hailey the classic song “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac. This is one of my favorite bands of all time, and Stevie Nicks is one of my favorite singers of all time, and this song is amazing – period. So, it is difficult for me to really love anyone else singing this song, because they are not Stevie. That being said, the wind machine blowing Hailey’s hair all about was the star of the show, and the whole thing was a bit silly-like. Overall, she did a nice job with the song and it was “nice.” I didn’t love it or hate it. It just made me want to see Fleetwood Mac in concert again. To Vote Hailey, text the word VOTE to MermaidsArePeopleToo.

ROUND THREE / JUDGES CHOICE

1. Scotty McDreary:

As our lovable country boy was hanging out back home in the local grocery store he used to work at, he received the text from the judges stating that he would be singing the classic Kenny Rogers song “She Believes In Me.” McCreery looked baffled, almost like he didn’t even know the song. Come on country boy, it is a classic, and a really beautiful song too. The tool was back on his stool for this one, and during the verses, I will say that for the first time in awhile, I didn’t cringe as he was singing. It was actually quite nice. Until he got to the chorus, which was just a bit too high and out of his “low-voiced” comfy range. It sounded to me like his voice was really struggling to get up there, and the moment was gone. I started longing to hear Kenny Rogers sing the song. Of course, the judges somehow did not hear this or chose to ignore it or lie, because they went on and on about how he has such RANGE in his voice and nailed those high notes. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Give this kid some critique! He isn’t perfect! Then, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse in the “Scotty WILL win this show” category, they did. Stupid Seacrest had to go and give Scotty’s dad a microphone in the audience, and ask him how it feels to watch his son up onstage like this on national television. The dad, all teary-eyed and straight out of the cast of The Waltons, with the hope and promise of any good, self-respecting American Pa, said glowingly: “I’m proud of you, son.” DING DING DING DING!!!! Thank you! You just won your son this competition. Gag. To vote for Scotty, text the word VOTE to OhForgetItHisPapaIsProudofHimItsOverJohny!

2. Lauren Alaina:

As Lauren caught up with her hometown folk while standing in front of an AT&T building, as most of us do when we catch up with friends, she received the judges text. The song choice was “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack, which was a perfect choice for her. She looked gorgeous during this song, a bit Cinderella-like in the long blue ballgown, and the song seemed to fit her voice like a glove. Excellent performance. Randy informed us that “Lee Ann is a good friend of mine.” Really? Who cares? J.Lo said that the performance gave her “goosies” which I am guessing are the same thing as goosebumps. Tyler found it beautiful, and then fell asleep from being weary and old. To vote for Lauren, text the word VOTE to AwWhoCaresScottyAlreadyWon.

3. Hailey Reinfart:

Nothing like finding out which song you are singing while sitting all alone in a limousine, eh? The text read “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette, and the second she started singing it, I loathed her performance as much as I loved her Zeppelin one. This was simply awful. She was literally all over the place. With the notes, with her aimless wandering once again, and with the message of the song. For the love of God, STOP SMILING! This is a “F**k You” anthem to men everywhere, and you are up there doing this weird pep-rally “put your hands in the air like you don’t care” kind of move. No!!! She also couldn’t handle the rhythms and complicated nuances of the song, and kept losing her breath in the middle of the verses. It was like she didn’t understand the content of the what the song meant. I thought it was kind of a trainwreck, except for the last chorus where she merely bandaged it together and ended it on a good note. The judges really angered me here, because they aren’t even judging anymore. Tyler said it was “perfect. Amazing!” What? No. No it wasn’t. It was not amazing, and it definitely was NOT perfect. It would be nice if the judges actually gave some criticism instead of just calling everything and everybody wonderful all of the freakin’ time, no matter what. To vote Hailey, text the word VOTE to IMissJamesandCaseyandthisTop3isLame.

RESULTS SHOW:

Okay, so, first of all, I am an idiot. Remember the part of this review where I went all mental and ranted that they didn’t show us the Hometown Visits? Yeah. Well. . .I was wrong. And stupid. They did show them, they just didn’t show them on Wednesday. They showed them in full during the Results Show. DUH! (not winning!) This is what I get for writing half of my review before I have seen the results show first. We were not bamboozled after all, and we were shown the full Monty of emotional, crying contestants as each of them went home to their hometown and got the special treatment. I am a sucker for people living their dreams, so seeing these contestants cry and realize the hugeness of this show’s impact was and will always be awesome to me. I love the hometown visit montages. I just do.

The show began with dumb Iovine giving his silly opinion into the camera about each contestant, and we found out that there were 95 million votes to put the top 2 into the finale – as Seacrest informs us, is “the most votes in American Idol history!!!!” Isn’t it always?

This was followed by a waaay too long and shameless plug for Super 8, that went on and on and on forever. Then we watched yet another Ford Music Video that was, in reality, about 30 seconds, but seemed like a lifetime. There were performances by 50 Cent and some other people that I fast-forwarded through.

The hometown visits did not disappoint. Haley went back to Chicago in the pouring rain, and was shocked to see how many of her fans still came out to see her. She finally broke down crying when she went back to her old high school, and saw familiar and new faces literally cheering her on. She performed “Sweet Home Chicago” with her dad and family band to a crowd of thousands.

Scotty McCreery’s hometown visit to Garner, North Carolina began with a limo ride to a local radio station where he appeared. Screaming girls stood outside his limousine. . .screaming. Next stop is Garner High School, where Scotty throws a few pitches on his old baseball team. In a moment of pure emotion, Scotty finally shows how overwhelmed he is when he breaks down crying in the limousine. He is once again shocked and overcome with emotion when Josh Turner surprises him by popping up and joining him in the singing of one of his songs onstage. That song, is, of course, “Baby Lock Them Doors and turn the lights down low. . .” Scotty’s montage ends with him saying: “I’ve only lived 17 years so far, but this may be the best day of my life.” Awesome.

Lauren Alaina breaks down crying before she even touches down in Chattanooga, where she is whisked off to do a radio show. After this, it gets more emotional as Lauren rides around surveying the damage from all the storms that have hit down south in her immediate childhood area. She meets a little boy who became a hometown hero after saving his entire family during the tornado. Her hometown visit ends with the emotional concert for thousands of fans. I already loved Lauren before this montage, but I love her even more now. She just seems incredibly genuine and sweet, and has this wonderful connection to where she grew up and came from that runs pretty deep. It was great to see that.

And finally … FINALLY … the results. Dim the lights – Here we  go -

The Top 2 in the Finale are Scotty McCreery (DUH!) and Lauren Alaina.

This is definitely the outcome I was hoping for. Well, not really. The outcome I was hoping for is James and Casey, but we all know that is not going to happen. It is a given that Scotty would be in the top 2. Hell, it is a given that he will WIN the show. I am so happy that Lauren made it there with him, instead of the drunk puppet mermaid. I look forward to hearing more harmonious Scotty / Lauren duets on next weeks finale, as well as all the other many surprises that I am sure American Idol has in store for us.

And with that, I say this: GO LAUREN ALAINA!!!!!!!

For another take, read “You Oughta Know Who Didn’t Make It To The Finals” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 36-37: Three Finalists Compete and One Voted off.(originally aired May 18th and May 19th, 2011)

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Don’t miss American Idol Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.

ABC Upfront 2011: Something For Everyone

With its beleaguered days left in the dust, ABC’s Upfront presentation on Tuesday felt decidedly more self-assured than in years past. The network’s Television Group President Anne Sweeney duly noted how ABC proudly boasts “the number one comedy and the number one drama” on primetime television, referring to powerhouse flagship shows Modern Family and Grey’s Anatomy, respectively. Despite its many returning successes in addition to Family and Grey’s, including Dancing With the Stars, Castle, Body of Proof, The Middle, Happy Endings, Private Practice and Desperate Housewives, among others, ABC Entertainment Group President Paul Lee unveiled 13 new shows slated for fall and midseason premiere – more than either bottom-dwelling NBC or ratings rival CBS.

Kicking things off was an action-laden montage of clips featuring some of the most exciting moments to come from next season’s lineup. Execs are clearly betting on big things for the network’s reboot of Charlie’s Angels, set to precede Grey’s Anatomy and go against the likes of CBS’s Community and The Big Bang Theory, as well as FOX’s X Factor in the fall and American Idol midseason. The hour-long action caper stars Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights), Rachael Taylor (Transformers) and Annie Ilonzeh (General Hospital) as the titular trio of sexy crime-fighters with their own rap sheets to answer for. Lee appropriately referred to the series as “pure candy,” and, of course, made no mention of other networks’ recently failed attempts to remake iconic camp of the 70s, including NBC’s defunct Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, and the already dead-in-the-water David E. Kelley Wonder Woman pilot. Viewers, however, might keep such information handy.

To bookend NBC’s upcoming Grimm, ABC is offering the fantasy spectacle Once Upon a Time, starring House alum Jennifer Morrison as Anna Swan, a bail bonds collector who travels to the mysterious town of Storybrooke and discovers her possible connection to a fairy-tale existence, intricately weaved within the world as we know it. Ginnifer Goodwin (Big Love) and Robert Carlyle (The Full Monty, Trainspotting) co-star in this inventive drama from Lost executive producers Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz. If the inspired premise can be executed to the extent its potential promises, Once Upon A Time has hopes for a fairy-tale journey on ABC.

Adding to the crop of Mad Men replicas peppering the airwaves next season is ABC’s Pan Am, a soapy 60s drama set in the world of the pilots and flight attendants of Pan Am airline. Christina Ricci (Monster, Sleepy Hollow) co-stars in this, ahem, flighty series that looks to have a lighter, Catch Me If You Can-style spin on the time period.

Tim Allen arrived on stage to introduce his return to ABC and the traditional sitcom, but first declared how his relationship with the network can be summed up in eight words: “’Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh,’ and ‘To infinity and beyond!’” The comedian was referring to Tim Taylor, his character from the hit 90s series Home Improvement, and popular animated icon Buzz Lightyear from Disney’s megahit Toy Story franchise, respectively, but then delved into an unfortunate monologue describing the parallels between the female-centric executive branch of ABC and the household within his new series, Last Man Standing. Paired with the outrageously ill-advised Work It, a modern day Bosom Buddies retread (nope, not kidding), Last Man Standing focuses on Allen’s character as the only man in a family of women. His wife and daughters leave him predictably befuddled with the feminine mystique via, as far as the preview showed, stale jokes about the dense stupidity of men and anxious neuroticism of women. With the addition of Man Up, another cliché-ridden meditation on the infantilized state of modern men, ABC’s comedic chops look worse for the wear.

Luckily, things perked up with the trailers for Suburgatory and Good Christian Belles, two satirical looks at Stepford strife through the eyes of a female protagonist. Suburgatory tells the tale of a New York City teen (Jane Levy, whom Lee describes as a potential “breakout star”) who moves to the white picket fences of suburbia with her recently divorced dad (Jeremy Sisto, Clueless, Six Feet Under), only to find that cookie-cutter life outside the five boroughs is much more frightening. Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) co-stars as an eerily well-kempt neighbor.

G.C.B follows Leslie Bibb (Popular, Iron Man) as a former mean girl debutante who returns to her hometown outside Dallas and is forced to confront her past. The always-welcome Kristin Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies) plays Bibb’s high school nemesis who hasn’t changed a bit. Formerly titled Good Christian Bitches, the newly FCC-friendly Good Christian Belles has the makings of either a cleverly uproarious guilty pleasure, à la Desperate Housewives in its prime, or a ham-fisted caricature of privileged Bible Belters. The presence of Chenoweth, and Annie Potts (Designing Women) as a busybody matriarch, point G.C.B. toward southern-fried success, but viewers will have to wait until its midseason premiere to decide for themselves.

Rounding out ABC’s comedy lineup is Apartment 23, a tongue-in-cheek romp about a naïve Midwestern girl (Dreama Walker, The Good Wife, Gossip Girl) adjusting to New York City. Starring Krysten Ritter (Breaking Bad) as the roommate from hell and – ready? – James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek, duh) as a doucheified version of himself, need I say more?

Other January 2012 arrivals include Scandal, an hour-long drama starring Kerry Washington (Ray, Lakeview Terrace) as a Washington, DC lawyer who starts her own crisis management company. Her ties to the White House and resulting reputation precede her, but her crackpot team of “gladiators in suits” nevertheless helps mend the provocative predicaments of Capitol Hill dwellers eager to keep their secrets. Lost’s Henry Ian Cusick co-stars – welcome back, brotha! The Ashley Judd vehicle Missing boasts another politically-charged premise, but its thrills look to far outweigh its quirks. Judd plays an ex-CIA agent who goes rogue to look for her missing son in Europe. Let the Taken comparisons begin!

The final midseason entry in ABC’s lineup is The River, an intriguing suspense tale from executive producer Steven Spielberg and Oren Peli, the writer-director of Paranormal Activity. Bruce Greenwood (Star Trek, Thirteen Days) stars as Dr. Emmet Cole, a renowned explorer who goes missing on an expedition in the Amazon. His family’s earnest search is filmed documentary style by Cole’s ex-producer, and the show is mostly comprised of the “footage” obtained in the mission. With genuine scare tactics utilized in the trailer alone, The River positions itself as the first network series with legitimate ties to the horror genre. If the tension can transcend beyond one episode, viewers will likely be hooked.

Finally, the Hamptons soap Revenge follows Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp, Everwood, Brothers and Sisters) as she returns to Long Island to exact vengeance for a wrong made purposefully unclear. Described as “the most expensive zip code in the world,” the Hamptons serves as an appropriate backdrop for this snobs-with-secrets melodrama. Despite the welcome return of Madeleine Stowe (Last of the Mohicans, 12 Monkeys) as the key to Emily’s past, the soppy Revenge looks to only be taking the place of other series more deserving of a fall premiere.

Although the no-nonsense pace of the ABC Upfront helped the presentation clock in at barely an hour, Jimmy Kimmel’s appearance nonetheless helped shed some irreverent comic relief in a room full of stuffy suits. Not afraid to poke fun at his own network as well as its rivals, Kimmel brandished the audience with such gems as, “”Remember those shows that we [at ABC] were so excited about last fall? We canceled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem,” and, “NBC thanked God for The Voice … God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after Friends.” After endorsing Ashton Kutcher’s new gig at CBS’s Two and a Half Men, (“He did a great job replacing Bruce Willis,” he deadpanned), Kimmel touched on the unbridled ego of Donald Trump and the older demographic CBS tends to target. “FOX, ABC and NBC are all losing viewers to cable and the Internet. And CBS is losing them to natural causes … I hate to flood you with facts and statistics, but more people die watching CBS than any other network.”

With its diverse programming lineup for the 2011-2012 season that spans science fiction, comedic satire, traditional sitcoms, suspense, political intrigue, and soapy melodrama, it looks like ABC will have shows to offer viewers of every age.

What ABC shows sound most promising to you? Any obvious duds? Post your thoughts in the comment section below!

Want more? Check out ABC’s new show trailers here.

Images courtesy of ABC.

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