The Celebrity Apprentice Review: Chic Uppercut

Week Nine of The Celebrity Apprentice begins with the men’s team debating over which two women will return from the boardroom. Lil Jon says, “Star is not gonna go,” since she’s as stubborn as a cockroach, and John Rich predicts that the women’s team will collapse due to their inability to work cooperatively. The two survivors return; NeNe is misty-eyed and looks as if she’s mourning the loss of a friend, while Star wears a cold smile and brags about her success at arguing her way out of a firing. NeNe tells the camera that she’s going to figure out how to screw up Star’s game and ruin her for good. Now that’s a cause I can get behind.

Trump greets the players with the founder of Farouk Systems, “Hair King” Farouk Shami. “Celebrities like looking good,” reveals Trump before announcing that their task this week will be a hair show that promotes the upscale company’s products. Ivanka explains the judging criteria, saying that teams will be evaluated according to brand messaging, the showcasing of Farouk products and tools, and overall presentation. Lil Jon loses a round of rock-paper-scissors to Meat Loaf, making Lil Jon the Project Manager, and NeNe announces that Star has already pegged her for the role against her will. In front of everyone, NeNe chooses to air her grievances on the spot, accusing Star of being too strategic and bossy. “It’s going down,” she says to her teammate before asking her, “Where’s your street game?” when Star doesn’t engage in the argument. Now, as much as I want NeNe to put that wretched, self-important shrew in her place once and for all, I always wish NeNe would weigh her words before getting so worked up. Star backs away from NeNe to avoid the attack, but NeNe won’t let up, eventually asking, “Now, where’s Barbara Walters?” Star tells the camera that she wanted to show the difference between how “an educated Black woman” behaves and how an uneducated one carries herself. Shut up, Star. As an educated Black woman, I much prefer tacky, classless outbursts to smug superiority. When NeNe backs off saying “I don’t do threats,” NeNe responds aptly by pointing out that Star is always willing to dish it out, though she can never take it. Just once, I would love to see Star accept criticism without acting like an innocent Pollyanna who mistakenly wandered into a fight on her way to the flower shop. I won’t hold my breath.

The teams brainstorm, and the men get off to more of a running start than do the women. Lil Jon is overconfident about his emceeing abilities, saying he’ll “kill it” without any preparation or scripting. I guess his whole music career has been pure smoke and mirrors, so he may be able to pull it off. The guys immediately decide to call their famous contacts to have them make appearances in their hair show, with John suggesting they enlist Niki Taylor to model for them. Considering the fact that she was once a member of the women’s team, John thinks this is just the most deliciously clever “spin move” he can make, and I must say, I’m impressed. I’d like NeNe to be vindicated with a triumphant win for her team, but the men are too smart to let that happen. While on the phone with Niki, John tells her, “You don’t even want to be in the room with the girls right now; NeNe almost pulled Star’s head off and used it as a doorstop this morning.” I’m more bothered by the fact that these folks continually refer to the women’s team as “the girls” than I am by the disturbing visual John described. Anyway, Niki is enthusiastically up for the task. The women, meanwhile, are awkwardly trying to piece their team together in the wake of their public battle. Eventually, everyone in the room is whipping their hair back and forth, and NeNe ends up suggesting the theme “Shake Your Beauty” for the show. It’s awful, yes, but it’s miles better than anything Star ever came up with.

I’m insulted by what happens next. If LaToya Jackson were a better actor, these scene may have worked. As it stands, it’s painfully obvious that the producers nudged LaToya to show up in Trump’s office to request a do-over. She feels she was unfairly ousted, and she wants back in. Except this time, she’ll be playing on the men’s team! This event couldn’t be more staged if there were a red velvet theater curtain involved, but Trump still acts like he has to mull it over a bit. He’ll let her know within 24 hours whether she’ll be granted her wish, he says, though he’s never, ever done anything like this before in the history of the show. I’m on pins and needles waiting to hear what he decides.

Back in the men’s room, Meat Loaf unleashes another one of his rambling, bumbling idea spiels, throwing out nonsensical thoughts and phrases for consideration. “Marie Antoinette. Ancient Rome! Enchanted Fairy Forest! I wanna make one of our guys a construction worker…’Fun on the Road,’ ‘Fun in the Streets,’ ‘Dancing Across America!,’” he exclaims, continuing to yell ideas from inside the bathroom. Lil Jon brilliantly suggests they turn their models into characters from places across the nation, as Farouk is all about American-made products. “Feelin’ Good in America” is the tepid theme they eventually land on, leading me to wish they’d allowed Meat to throw out a few more ideas, after all. Back in the women’s camp, things are still a bit tense as concepts are developed. Star tells the camera that she thought about letting NeNe fail on this task before ultimately deciding, “There was a job to do, and I was most equipped to get it done, and as long as we’re a team, it’s not right for me not to offer that skill set.” How humble and self-sacrificing of you, Star. NeNe suggests the women participate in the hair show alongside the models, and of course Hope complains about being forced to model even though that’s her only skill, as far as I can tell. Hope refers to NeNe as “this vicious, evil woman” to the camera, which is a response to NeNe calling Hope out for being Star’s puppet during the big fight earlier.

Contestants from both teams go to look at their performance space. Star, not surprisingly, is describing how she’ll run the PowerPoint presentation on the screen. Meat Loaf reveals that stage lighting is “a gift” for him while shrugging in resignation to his calling. Meanwhile, Lil Jon is out shopping with the models, watching them try on clothes and calling himself “a pimp.” Marlee and Hope are tasked with the same duty at Lord & Taylor, except they’re picking out clothes for eight women who aren’t anywhere in the vicinity. This seems unfair; I don’t see how they’re supposed to fit the models when they’re not around. Hope, of course, is whining throughout, saying how hard it is to be there shopping for other people instead of for herself. She is impossibly vain and stupid from what I can discern, though I don’t think it’s her fault.

Eric Trump arrives to check on the teams, and he gets a fiendish delight from watching the women try to work together under the threat of NeNe’s wrath. She tells him that the boardroom will be “on fire” if her team loses, meaning she won’t neglect to vociferously blame Star for the failure. More importantly, though, why does Eric Trump sound like the two foreign dudes from Family Guy when he talks? Did he just return from a lengthy trip to Norway? I thought Ivanka’s voice was annoying enough, but check this guy out. Speaking of Ivanka, she’s also making her rounds, taking a much-needed break from lifting her finger to point at gems and platinum chains to have people assemble for her jewelry collection. Exhausted as she must be, she takes the time to comment on how calm and relaxed the Project Managers look, what with Lil Jon drinking wine before the show and all. I’m sure Ivanka doesn’t even know what wine tastes like. There’s no rest for the weary.

When Niki Taylor arrives excitedly prepared to work for the men’s team, John sends her directly to the women to say hello, since that was the only reason for inviting her. NeNe tries not to look too shocked or disappointed, but it’s clear that she’s confused. Star looks up silently from behind the computer, where she’s permanently stationed. I actually love the look on her face; it’s not too often that she’s caught off-guard. When Niki exits their prep space, NeNe calls Hope and Marlee to tell them not to text Niki any team secrets, or she’ll tattle in the boardroom. Niki brought in some top New York models for the men’s show, says John, and she can’t wait to get her hair done and work the runway. The hair stylists seem pretty central to this challenge. They’re doing the bulk of the work, especially in the women’s case. One of them criticizes NeNe for bringing her team in a bit late as they’re preparing for the show, and NeNe says, “I hate when people get all stressed out and make everything a big issue.” Ok, I’ll admit she’s not too self-aware, but that’s our NeNe.

Star actually does something other than computer graphics for once, rehearsing the models in a choreographed dance on the stage. Marlee joins them for a bit, showing off her own moves. Does it matter that she can’t hear the music? I’m not trying to be mean; I really am just curious. The stylists get after Star for not doing whatever she’s doing correctly, like not following sound cues or something, and Star looks like she’s about to pop her top. NeNe giggles in the background, enjoying the schadenfreude. As the men dink around, Lil Jon proclaims, “I don’t really practice stuff,” and Meat Loaf looks pretty upset, since he’s obsessed with rehearsing.

It’s showtime. The women’s presentation is first, and it begins with loud music and dancing hair models in a pretty dynamic display. Star brags to the camera that the lighting, dancers, and branding were all her handiwork, and she’s pretty proud. NeNe comes out to announce the hair stylists, who do the heavy lifting by talking about Farouk’s safety standards and hair treatment methods while simultaneously cutting and styling the models’ hair. They know their facts, but it’s kind of boring. Once the stage is clear, Hope walks out with an enormous cloud of teased, shaggy hair atop her ahead, woodenly holding two cans of hair product in each hand. Remember earlier, when I said that modeling was Hope’s only skill? I guess we can strike that from the list. NeNe calls her “Big Bird” and says about the task, “I don’t know if we pulled it off.” She warns that “the fight is going down” in the boardroom if they lose.

It’s the men’s turn, and their show doesn’t start off with nearly as many fireworks. Lil Jon emerges and tries to amp up the crowd, but he’s not backed up by any music or shimmying ladies, so something is missing. It’s a sort of lame, silent show until the models come out to music and colorful lights spelling out, “Feelin’ Good in America.” Farouk is blinded by the red, white, and blue, so he wears a huge smile from the audience. Niki comes out as a cowgirl, and there are other characters from the American South and New Orleans. Lil Jon calls Questlove onstage to make an unnecessary and ridiculously brief appearance. The guys end their show by tossing Mardi Gras beads out into the audience, and everyone looks quite pleased. To Meat Loaf’s credit, the lighting was, in fact, pretty good.

In the boardroom: Trump asks NeNe how her team responded to her during this task. She claims that she felt alone, like the team didn’t want to support her. Ivanka, from the safety of her chair on the opposite end of the humongous conference table, tells NeNe that she set a bad tone before the task and shouldn’t be surprised about her teammates’ reactions. NeNe maintains that Star is the problem, calling her bossy, overly outspoken, and disloyal to her friends and colleagues. She’s a backstabber who just wants to win at all costs, no matter what’s at stake, argues NeNe. I think that’s plain to see, but Star is a champion at appearing blameless in front of Trump. Besides, when has Trump ever balked at underhanded, shrewd deceit in business? Also, he cares about nothing but his ratings, so he’d rather instigate drama than get to the bottom of the situation and eliminate the most detrimental player. NeNe continues to make her case, telling Trump that Star is vicious, pits people against each other, and that she cast a spell on Hope, thereby enslaving her forever. Trump agrees that Hope is quite malleable and that she gets away with coasting by each week under the radar. Marlee calls NeNe “verbally abusive at times” and admits that she was scared during the fight. NeNe keeps interrupting folks to restate her point about Star, but I kind of wish she’d rein it in until finding out whether her team won or lost. Star claims she wasn’t afraid that NeNe would get physical during the spat, but she was scared by the prospect of flying off the handle in retaliation and losing her dignity. NeNe fires back that if Star had any dignity, she wouldn’t have the bad reputation that she does. Most people she comes across don’t like Star, NeNe says. Since he has a great relationship with the Blacks, Trump feels bad for Star and claims that the only person in the room with a bad reputation is him. Aw, I’m sure he doesn’t deserve it.

Trump moves on to the men, who talk about their great energy as a team and their great idea to bring Niki Taylor in as a model and their great mellow tone before the show. When asked who the weakest player on the team is, Lil Jon answers that there are no weak players, and he’s sure they didn’t lose the task. That’s the only smart thing to say; I hate when Project Managers jump the gun and nominate themselves for elimination before they’ve found out if they’ve actually won. As it turns out, the men did win, since Farouk found that the women’s team was weak and awkward in spots, and that they relied too much on the stylists to do the presenting. Lil Jon wins $40,000 for the United Methodist Children’s Home.

Now, we finally learn that Trump has indeed decided to let LaToya return to the show, after all. She enters the boardroom and sits alongside the men, much to the ladies’ shock and dismay. Trump claims that he’ll never pull a move like this again on the program, but he thought LaToya deserved a second chance. When he asks LaToya to weigh in about her former team, she says that Star is backstabbing, Hope is a follower, and that NeNe is at least straightforward with her intentions while Star is manipulative. The men retire to the champagne lounge with LaToya and welcome her beautifully. I hope she gets more respect from their team; even if she’s not exactly Project Manager material, she seems to do well as a part of a cohesive whole. I guess she’s used to being told that sort of thing.

Back in the boardroom, Trump is airing his own opinions about the situation. He says that NeNe is obviously emotional, but she’s also nice. Then, he calls Star nice, which undermines his credibility. When NeNe says that Hope is a weak player who can only be an intern to Star, Hope tries feebly to defend herself. When Trump asks Star who she would want on the women’s team as they move forward, she chooses NeNe over Hope. I’m sure that made Hope feel really great about having been Star’s puppet all this time. NeNe relieves Marlee, bringing Hope and Star into consideration for firing. Star explains how she stepped up to the task and worked hard even though she could have abandoned NeNe, and Ivanka gives her credit for doing so. Hope defends Star’s bossy personality on account of the fact that she’s bossy across the board, to everyone, in every situation. NeNe points out that Star shouldn’t get a pass just because it’s her personality. When Star assures Trump that she could continue working with NeNe provided they have a conversation and agree to stay on the same page, he fires Hope. “It’s just not your world,” he tells her, referring to her unassuming follower mentality. Goodbye, Hope. We hardly knew ye. NeNe and Star leave the boardroom to shake hands and agree on sitting down to settle their differences. Something tells me that may never happen.

Season 11, Week 9: “Sheer Madness” (original airdate May 1, 2011.)

The Celebrity Apprentice airs Sundays at 9/8c on NBC.

Images courtesy of Douglas Gorenstein and NBC Universal.