The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: We’re Gonna Need Tranquilizers for All of “Yous”

I don’t know about you but I am still trying to come to terms with what I saw on the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So many questions…do the Guidices and the Gorgas actually exist? Can we be sure they aren’t really UFC fighters taking a stab at acting? Are Southerners shaking their heads at the Manzo’s attempt to bring a little Southern flavor to Sunday dinner (apparently Paula Dean is the only Southerner who can make a homemade pasta sauce)? Louisiana – are you miffed at Christopher Manzo’s attempt to do a little “Cajun-speak” which he believes consists of a few real words flanked by jibberish, like “Jdkalfi dkirel cnmkie I’m not that funny jloekslk aowip.” If you are currently debating whether or not to have children, does Jacqueline’s young “adult” daughter, Ashley, tip you toward no thanks?

If you saw this episode, you know I am starting with the big brawl – the showdown at the christening reception for Teresa’s nephew Guiseppe Gorga. Picture this: a couple of 5’2” Joes standing on their tip toes yelling and trying to knock one another out. Italian men surround the Joes holding them back while numerous women hover and scream. It was so crazy I was surprised the women kept their bedazzled spandex dresses and Lee Press-On Nails in place. How did things get this low? It begins when we learn about the family strife between Teresa and her brother, Joe. Apparently, they were once very close but things went south when Joe married Melissa. Melissa is one of the two new additions to the Housewives family (more on the second addition later) and she is NOT very likable. I decided this when I saw the topless pregnancy portrait of herself with one of her daughters hanging in her home. Creepy. And then later she gives us her mantra for living, “be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom.” (Did you just really say “parlor”?) Oh and she also crosses herself while saying “Thank you Jesus” no less than four times this episode. After that many, it’s a little gratuitous, Melissa.

Pre brawl – Melissa is busy preparing her little boy for entrance into “Jesus’ Kingdom,” Teresa is running all around her monstrosity of a house (that somehow they got to keep post bankruptcy) preparing her family for the christening. Unfortunately, Joe has a case of “the runs” and can’t make it to the christening. He does end up attending the reception where his unsettled bowels don’t keep him from trying to Mike Tyson his brother-in-law.

Due to his dramatic nature, Melissa’s Joe (gotta keep your Joes straight on this show) is the “sixth” housewife in this episode. He seems pretty angry – angry at his father for spending more time with the Guidices than with the Gorgas, angry with Teresa for turning her back on her him (“My blood has done me wrong”), angry after taking 15 shots the day of his son’s christening. Angry, angry, angry. He gets so mad that he throws a textbook hissy fit at the christening and demands his father recognize and love the mighty Joe Gorga. Right, because you’re just so darn lovable.

The brawl was the focal point of the season premiere and takes the award for being a hot mess. Even the Bravo cameraman was knocked off his toes. Beyond the madness, it’s crazy this went down at a baby’s christening and that these “adults” weren’t able to keep it together.

The other new Housewife this season is Teresa’s cousin, Kathy. Kathy doesn’t have a very prominent role in this episode other than expressing the watershed thought of the week, “What you put in your mouth – it’s important.” Yeah, and that’s what she said. One other thing about Kathy – her husband appears to be a mix between Andrew Dice Clay and Pee-Wee Herman. Intriguing.

What about the rest of the housewives, you ask? Caroline Manzo tries to cope with her sons leaving the nest and renting an apartment in Hoboken. Jacqueline Laurita visits her daughter Ashley in New York City where Ashley lands an unpaid public relations internship with Lizzie Grubman’s firm. It seems like a good gig but poor Ashley finds it so hard to commute from New Jersey to New York City everyday, plus it costs money (crazy!). When Jacqueline suggests Ashley pick up a second job to get the funds to cover commuting or renting an apartment in NYC, Ashley cries…at her job…in front of other people…and needs to be consoled by Lizzie who tells her to be a big girl (in a nice way). It was painful to watch someone so spoiled but also fun to watch people struggle to take her seriously.

So that’s about it for the first episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. A wild one to say the least and judging from the episode-ending teaser for next week, there’s plenty of angst and drama to come. Until next week, folks!

Season 3, Episode 1: In The Name of The Father (originally aired May 16, 2011)

Catch the family drama Mondays 9/8 central on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Tommy Garcia/Bravo.