The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Big Pimple, Big Pimpin’

This week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey was pretty uneventful but for one major revelation – Joe Gorga is a sexual predator. He follows his wife around demanding a little action and gets pissed because he hasn’t had any in four days. Really? Really?!? He pestered Melissa so much I thought Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator might just stroll out and tell him to knock it off. Joe sounded like Melissa’s petulant fourth child and may just need to be locked up in a room (indefinitely) that continuously sprays him with a jet of cold water. We get it Joe, you have needs, but comparing yourself to an overripe pimple that needs to be popped is just gross.

Moving on to the actual housewives, this week, we saw Teresa’s head almost explode in a futile attempt to compose the perfect “marinara under the bridge” note to Big Pimple, aka Joe Gorga. She decides that it’s up to her to write the note because obviously, “she has more brains than him.” Jacqueline, unaware of how painful the process would be, volunteers to assist Teresa pen the masterpiece because in Teresa’s world, if more people were like her, the world would be a better place. I actually think the world would just have more upside down tables. It turns out, Teresa doesn’t need help writing the novella nor does she care for sound advice, she just needs someone to listen to her garbled nonsense and provide her with ample office supplies (although she did bring her own very upscale stationery). After what seemed like an endless loop of thinking, revising, editing, and then starting over Teresa finally came up with this:

Dear Joe (my only brother),
We need to solve this mess. It is not a good thing. Can be we the family we once where [sic]?
How can we live in such this way? It makes my eyes and my heart cry tears.
Please, let us come together to fix this cause we can’t be mad forever. That would be too long.
This is what I ask.

Love,
Your only sister Teresa.

Ok, maybe that isn’t it word for word, but I know what you’re thinking – this is some powerful stuff, right? Well not so much for the Big Pimple. He couldn’t even bring himself to read the letter. Melissa had to read it for him. Are you kidding? Can you not even read the letter without smoke coming out of your ears? And when Melissa asks Joe if he is prepared to never talk to his sister again, he tells her his conditions for peace: he will only talk to the “old” Teresa and not to the “new” Teresa. Huh? Who knew this was more complex than the Middle East peace process? Honestly, the hamster in Big Pimple’s head must have been getting tired because it didn’t appear he was firing on all cylinders…but then again, Joe Gorga could be just saying stuff that is way too complex for me to understand. And in a change of pace, Melissa gets mad cool points for trying to be the “uniter” and not the “divider” in her failed effort bring peace between Joe and his only sister Teresa.

Beyond the never-ending saga that is the Guidces and Gorgas, Jacqueline has a heart to heart with her Dad about Ashley’s issues. Her Dad suggests that Ashley’s problems stem from coming from a broken home and that she is lost between two families – her mom’s new family and her dad’s new family. That might be a good assessment…but may I humbly offer an alternate explanation? She’s about as spoiled as Ricky Stratton from Silver Spoons (had to go waaaaay back on that one). When you start crying about going to your job everyday because it starts so early and it’s so far away, you’re spoiled. Period. I don’t think she’s lost…unless you mean lost in herself.

We see a little bit more of wide-eyed cousin Kathy this week as she makes an appointment to visit the House of Caroline to discuss the ruckus she started with Teresa at last week’s Posche Fashion show. Caroline is all business as she opens the door, lets Kathy in, and directs her to take a seat. When Kathy starts trying to explain why in the world she wanted to light a fire under Teresa at the fashion show, Caroline firmly tells her to pull her pants up, start behaving like an adult and to keep her drama contained – good call Caroline.

In the “WTF” moment of the week, Kathy’s husband (I’m taking the high road this week about his appearance but can I just say that he needs to eat soup sans slurping) decides to buy Kathy a brand new Mercedes…why exactly, I am not sure. He said it was because Teresa treated his princess Kathy “rude.” Huh? I don’t get it.

Definitely not a riveting time in New Jersey this week. At the very least this episode served as a public service announcement that Joe Gorga may be sex addict that you want to avoid…if you see him in your neighborhood, please let Chris Hansen know. Oh – and one other thing: the word of the week is “ingrediences” (c/o Teresa, of course). Until next week, folks!

Season 3, Episode 3: Sealed With A Diss (originally aired May 30, 2011)

Want more New Jersey drama? Catch the show on Mondays at 9/8 Central on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Bravo.