The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: The Ties That Bind

Another week of The Real Housewives of New Jersey that was more fizzle than spark. But when you start off the season with a drunken brawl at a baby’s christening, I’m not sure there is anywhere to go but down. Well, one could dramatically chuck some wine at another housewife’s face to amp things up. Oh, that’s right – The Real Housewives of Orange County already have that on lock.

This week starts out with Melissa’s rendition of Amazing Grace. She’s no Rebecca Black but the two do share the same lyrical prowess. Melissa, who ever thought that your unintentional tweaking of the song would be so ingenius? (But, just so you know, it’s “….That saved a WRETCH like me,” not WENCH.). Make way for Melissa and the Pips, people!

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Franklin Lakes, Ashley continues to dream of her perfect Sex and the City life. But she has yet to get (or maybe just read) the memo explaining that to be like the Sex and the City foursome she needs to (A) have a job that pays and (B) refrain from wearing sweater-berets the size of dinner plates. At any rate, Ashley somehow finagles her step-dad, Chris, into taking her to the nearest Jeep dealership for a shiny new ride. She feels she deserves a car because she’s “not in and out of rehab…” If I knew that staying out of rehab was the ticket to anything I wanted, I would’ve played that card all the time growing up (Dad, you won’t pay for me to go on a cruise with my friends? You are aware I’ve never been in rehab, right?). Jacqueline’s feeble attempt to oppose the transaction barely gets noticed and she even gets roped into co-signing the car loan. But alas, we can’t leave the dealership without at least one temper tantrum from Ashley; and it comes when Chris tells her he’s going to keep the spare key to the car. Ashley wants none of it as she pouts, almost cries, and then feels the need to immediately send out text message to let the world know how unfair life is. She ends up getting the car.

While Jacqueline is getting bullied into co-signing car contracts, Cousin Kathy and Rich are entering into contracts prohibiting their children from acts of moral turpitude such as refraining from alcohol, drugs and risky teenage relations. It’s a nice family moment that includes some brutal honesty as her 14 year-old son, Joseph, breaks it down for his parents prior to signing on the dotted line, “I’m going to be honest with you guys…I’m gonna be straight out. When I’m a senior, and possibly when I’m a junior, you know that I’m probably going to have a drink on a Friday night or a Saturday night … Because, I mean, I know I’m not going to be Mr. Goody Two-Shoe.” Way to manage expectations, Joseph.

Not too much to report on Caroline this week. She and Al are drama free. Caroline is making good progress in the “How to be a Functioning Empty-Nester” 12-step program. She is getting out there and trying new things like taking her sound parental advice to the airwaves to share with the masses on a local radio show. She did a good job raising three kids…now, if only she could sprinkle some of her magic on Ashley….

Finally, what episode recap would be complete without the latest on the Gorga-Guidice feud?   This week, Joe extends the olive branch by attending Gia’s gymnastic meet…late (and by late I mean, after the gymnastics meet). Gia, of course, is moved to tears that her godfather wants to see her in action and Teresa seems excited at the possibility of mending fences. But before we go on, I need to take a small detour and comment on Teresa’s bathroom. It might just be the most overdone place I’ve ever seen. What was she thinking decorating it with gold on gold on more gold? I can pretty much guarantee Jeff Lewis would throw up on himself and immediately call for bulldozers to knock it all down if he could. Ok – back to the feud. Joe ends up arriving at the gymnastic meet after the whole thing is over. There’s a lot of tension as the Gorgas and Guidices seem to forget how normal human interaction works. After the christening brawl, I expected everyone to start clubbing one another but thankfully, they all behaved Later, we see Melissa complain about how cold Joe’s family is to her but she’ll tearfully continue to carry the burden if it means Joe can get back in his family’s good graces. I don’t know why Melissa praises Jesus so much, she really should be praising herself for being the savior she thinks she is.

So that’s about it this week. Next week promises to be a little punchier as Teresa and Joe sit down together to hash it out for the first time. What could possibly go wrong, right? Until next week folks!

Season 3, Episode 5: Stick It (originally aired June 12, 2011)

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Images courtesy of Bravo TV.