The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: The Weird Just Keep Getting Weirder

Disappointment reigns supreme this week. I was pumped to sit down in front of my TV on Sunday night and let RHONJ take me to a world filled with name-calling, blaming, shrieking and a possible flying fist or two. Instead I got a mature adult conversation between Teresa Guidice and Melissa Gorga. What the what? How do these two go from blabbering gossipy nonsense about each other ad nauseam to this? I feel jipped – similar to every fourth of July, when I fool myself into thinking the local fireworks show is going to rock my world and then leave feeling like they just set off 50 sparklers simultaneously and called it a “show.” Not ok.

While Teresa and Melissa get big points for discussing petty B.S. during their summit, they lose points for doing it in a mature way. Teresa annunciated all her words and did not raise her voice once. In fact, she just wanted to “move forward” – so much so, she said it at least three times. Melissa seemed a little hesitant to leave the past behind but reluctantly agreed to try. Later, Melissa just can’t help but talk smack about Teresa with one of her wicked sisters. Good moving forward, Melissa.

Next up, Cousin Kathy tosses around the idea of going public with her giant canolis by starting up a dessert/catering business. Then, Rich pressures her into going all in and opening up a full service restaurant. The two go look at spaces (with Cousin Kathy looking particularly dapper in a Charlie Chaplin get-up). It’s go big or go home. Plus, Rich makes it clear he’s only going to invest if she does what he wants. Apparently marriage is a one-way street.

What episode wouldn’t be complete without a Joe Gorga sexual predator moment? He sees Melissa dressed up in a little red number and suddenly needs to be doused with cold water. Then, he tells Melissa he wants to be her “father, husband and her friend.” Wow, that’s inappropriate.

By the way, what’s this ball-room dancing business the Gorgas have their daughter involved in? And where do these people perform? It looks like some type of underground cave filled with tinsel and middle-aged adults who are living out teenage dreams.

The rest of the episode is dedicated to adults frolicking in the Catskills. The party house is filled with stuffed deer, lacquered furniture fresh out of the late eighties, over the top outfits, and enough food (including a roasted pig) to feed an army. Add at least fifteen adults who are ready to get their drink on, provide advanced weaponry and ATVs to each one, and you have the recipe for a perfect weekend getaway.

The great debate of the weekend – who is the better “blower?” Teresa or Jacqueline? Maybe I’m becoming more square with age but “blower?”  I instantly pictured Teresa and Jacqueline trying to blow out 100 candles on a birthday cake. Oh wait, they didn’t mean that kind of blower…it all hit home when Joe called Teresa a “dirty slut.”

The two cringe moments of the week belong to Joe and Teresa Guidice. The first was when Bravo cameras captured them during a “moment,” complete with sex toys that reminded me of ring-pops. The second was Joe doing the splits. No one wants to see that. No one. The runner up cringe moment: Caroline’s tight grey sweatpants that gave her mom-butt and camel toe at the same time.

As the Housewives leave the Catskills to return to the city, they hit up the local watering hole where Teresa and Joe attempt to make a baby on the dance floor and Teresa tries to find the perfect native Catskillian for her friend Delores. No luck on either front.

To close the weekend, the whole clan heads to wash their sins in the chapel located at the end of their driveway. For some reason, Jacqueline and Caroline cannot grasp the seriousness of the Chapel at the end of the driveway. Respect, people.

And that does it for this week. If this episode wasn’t traumatizing enough, then tune in for next week’s holiday show. Until next week, folks!

Season 3, Episode 7: Teresa’s Got a Gun (originally aired June 26, 2011)

Images courtesy of Bravo TV.