The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Eat, Drink and Be Merry…or Not

This week’s RHONJ is a bag o’ crazy as the families come together for the holidays.

We start with a holiday decorating party at Jacqueline’s house that centers around whether it’s Jacqueline’s place to help solve Teresa’s family issues. Here’s the short answer – no. Ashley, one tanning session away from being an oompa loompa, even agrees. She lectures her mom on staying out of drama. Hey – Tangerine Ashley, didn’t you pull out someone’s weave last season?

Next, we move onto Lauren Manzo’s extreme separation anxiety. Caroline describes it as Lauren’s “bitch-mode,” which is accurate. Chalk her testiness up to being sad/mad/jealous her brothers have made their way to the bright lights of Hoboken. Meanwhile, she is left to fend for herself in her parents Franklin Lakes’ mansion. It’s hard to figure out what exactly her brothers need to do to make her happy.  The honorary key to their apartment didn’t work and she took offense to everything else they did so it looks like she wants to continue backstroking around in the pity pool.

Cut to Melissa’s dreams of hitting it big as a singer. She’s introduced to Soul Diggaz, who are two producers hired to package her into the next Beyonce or Britney Spears. On that topic, my Magic 8 Ball says, “Outlook, not so good.” But, when you have money, you can buy anything, including a voice – ask Kim Zolciak. The Diggaz listen to her sing a weird song about being “on display, on display, on display” while they bob their heads and maintain excellent poker faces. They give her some words of encouragement but let her know she needs LOTS of work. It’s a deal! But Joe’s concerned with Melissa potentially slouching on her housewife duties so he offers to build a studio in the basement. Building a studio to buy a voice – it’s perfect.

Moving onto Cousin Kathy and Rich looking for the perfect space to open a restaurant. It’s obvious they have no idea what goes into a restaurant. Luckily Albert thinks the whole idea is a joke and encourages them to think small. They heed his advice and drop the idea. That’s it on those two– riveting, I know.

Speaking of riveting, we get a healthy dose of wackadoodle Kim G. this week as she continues to harp on her beef with Teresa from seasons past. It’s unclear what exactly the beef is, but like a dog with a bone, Kim just won’t let go.

This week, Joe and Teresa’s financial woes result in a dinner for two on the floor over a cardboard box (in their palatial home). They’re in some deep trouble for spending money they didn’t have. At least now they can’t buy gaudy furniture for their gaudy house. See, there’s always a silver lining. We do learn a little more about the state of their financial affairs– Joe is getting sued up the wazoo and Teresa gets in some type of altercation with Monica Ciccone in court (for the record, Monica is Joe’s ex partner’s lawyer’s wife…but really, who cares?). The best part of the episode comes when Teresa and Joe describe the altercation. Here it is…paraphrased, of course:

• Teresa describing altercation to Jacqueline (in a calm and controlled voice): “I ran into M. Ciccone and politely asked her to refrain from discussing my family matters with others. Then, I curtsied and bid her adieu.”

• Joe describing altercation to Chris (in an incredulous voice): “So, we walk into court right? Next thing I know, Teresa goes bat-sh*t crazy, jumps over the lawyer table and starts screaming. Her mouth begins to froth and she morphs into one of those night creatures from I Am Legend. She rips off Monica’s head, takes it to a corner and then knaws on it till it’s all gone. Then she falls asleep – with one eye open.”

Lastly, we tag along to a holiday party at Jacqueline’s and see the Gorgas and Guidices try to act civil toward one another. It’s awkward as Teresa makes passive aggressive comments the entire time but that doesn’t stop Melissa and Joe from being the life of the party (Joe runs around in a glitter pantsuit, need I say more?). Everyone gets a kick out of the Gorgas, which can only mean one thing…Teresa may have to go honey badger on some Gorga ass next episode!

And, that’s about it – until next week, folks!

Season 4, Episode 8: Holidazed and Confused (original air date July 10, 2011).

Images courtesy of Bravo TV.