Hell’s Kitchen Review: Ramsay’s Diary – Entry 4

August 15, 2011

Dear Diary,

Gordo here. The team at Fox were nice enough to grant me a brief reprieve from the chuckleheads inside Hell’s Kitchen and only ask that I open the kitchen one night this week, thank Christ. And yet even with that, it was not enough to keep red and blue heads above water. Today’s cooking challenge presented food as a seductive aphrodisiac when used in the right ways. I’m not saying I’m as much a cocksman as a Scotsman but– well, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Never have I cooked for a lady and my pants weren’t off within 7 seconds of first bite. Jennifer offered up an equally “delightful” vision, suggesting that she “knows a way to make the boxers come off.” After I collected myself from that mental image, I tried to impress upon the cooks that romance and food go hand in hand, which is why I gave them an hour to each make one stunning dessert. Tommy stood out in preparation…as being the most scatterbrained and lost amongst the crew.

The special guest judges were to rate each dish between one and three stars and of course, Tommy’s sticky buns looked about as dreadful as he did preparing them: undercooked, bland, worthy of one star. Carrie did her best to convince the judges that her dish was the one to beat, suggesting that it “may be sexy in your mouth.” Unfortunately, it only tasted like someone finished in my mouth. Holy shit, one star. When all was said and done, it was up to Jennifer to knock it out of the park and get a perfect score with her banana flambé and lo and behold, she did. Though that is faint praise to say the very least, since most of the desserts looked about as appetizing as a plated dollop of rancid baby food, particularly with Elise, who looked to have made a dessert for 10, some kind of custard in a giant wine glass. It was a disgusting disaster. But when all was said and done, the ladies won and with it, a trip to Vegas. But because I couldn’t make the reward too stunning, I arranged for ex-geriatric nude prostate therapy specialist Holly Madison stop by the suite to say hello.

Tying in with the challenge theme, I decided to make tonight date night in Hell’s Kitchen with the special feature of the evening being a raw bar. And yet with such a simple inclusion, the cooks were still not capable of the simplest of tasks. Once again allowing her attitude and ego to get in the way of her work, Elise would not communicate with Carrie, at the expense of the Red kitchen. I haven’t seen this much fucking bollocks on Fox since Sons of Tucson. My babysitting continued in the Blue kitchen, where Tommy was quickly ruining scallops by seasoning them too early even after I told him not to. I would have gotten a better response out of the actual scallops. The award for Most Disgusting Misstep of the night went to Jamie, or rather, Jamie’s hair which managed to plant itself firmly into a plate of mushrooms. The mere fact that she never saw it sent me off the rails. Continuing his rampage of idiocy over in Blue, Tommy thought it would have been a right fine idea to cook the fucking entrees before we even got to the fucking appetizers. Dullard Jamie overcooked zucchini and it didn’t even seem to faze her, though I must commend her on not putting any more crinkly hairs onto the plates. Paul meanwhile assumed that the raw bar also applied to the chicken and served it up with extra salmonella. Pink carnations, maybe. Pink meat? No chance. I kicked him out along with Carrie, who couldn’t seem to bring herself to cook a proper sea bass. Also out on her ass was Elise who consistently ruined the oysters in the same stellar way that she doesn’t care for anyone other than herself. I gave her the oysters so she could eat them herself and have a nice romantic dinner for a perfect little princess. With the drama out of the Red kitchen, they were running smoother than ever, but that didn’t help them win the night, so I sent them up to pick two nominees to send to elimination.

At elimination, Red team nominated Carrie and Elise. Finally, the Red team was able to rip apart the drama within their ranks. My goodness me. It was a tough call to be sure; Elise has a huge problem with her ego and she doesn’t like taking orders and Carrie is just an absolute mess. But I decided to eliminate Jamie instead- I couldn’t go any further with her getting no response from my criticisms of her work. She was on a downward slope even before some of her DNA ended up in the appetizers. Also, the Fox brass wanted to keep the ratings up, so I felt, let’s say, “compelled” to keep the Elise/Carrie drama in the kitchen. Though I must say that I don’t know how much longer I can keep the two of them around before I completely lose my shit. Honestly, there is less drama on the promo spots of Gossip Girl, for fuck’s sake. Help me, Diary. You’re my only hope.

Season 9, Episode 9: 9 Chefs Compete (originally aired August 15, 2011)

For another take on this episode, read “It’s a Love-Hate Thing” by Desiree Neall.

Try and stand the heat in Hell’s Kitchen, Monday and Tuesday nights at 8/7c on FOX.

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