Dancing With the Stars Review: Nip Slip for Prosecutor Tits McGee!

. . . And you thought that Chaz Bono would be the big controversy of this season’s Dancing With the Stars? HA!!! Sure, Bono is the first ever transgendered  contestant on the show, but so far all he has provided is plumber’s crack and two bad knees. He ain’t got NOTHING on Prosecutor Nancy Grace and her ginormous mountain boobs that keep popping up around every  dance floor corner! But more on that later. . .

This week’s show was filled with laughs and bizarre moments, from Tits McGee and her nip-slip, to that boring Italian chick and her pro-dance partner fighting like two people who truly hate one another, to Judge Len Goodman appearing 400 times crankier than normal (and that’s really saying something). All of this and more . . . as Tom Bergeron brings us the goods “LIIIIIIVEEEE!!!!!” . . . let’s hear that theme music . . .

This week, Brooke Burke Charvey (okay, really? Charvey? That’s it. I’m not calling her that. I’m just not. It’s Brooke Burke. Charvey makes her sound British and pompous and above it all, and I just cant bring myself to say it) in her lovely chocolate brown dress, informed us that the couples would be choosing either The Jive or The Quickstep. She did not inform us, however, that someone must have put something in Len Goodman’s Cream of Wheat, because he brought cranky old man to a new level this week. The hilarious part is that the show’s camera people seemed to be aware of this, and took every opportunity to show many closeups of him sighing heavily, or looking down in utter frustration and turmoil. Quite funny. Let us get started with the dancing ….

Hope / Maksim:

Okay, why does this chick whisper when she talks? In all of her rehearsal footage, she is always barely audible. SPEAK UP WOMAN!!! She has that annoying voice that Rachel Ray has, where it always sounds like she just smoked 97 packs of cigarettes or screamed herself silly last night at a Bon Jovi concert and lost her voice. That being said, Hope is in such good shape that her abs actually frighten me. I am actually serious. They kind of scare me on many levels. Their Jive was much too cutesy for my taste; and making the sexy, brooding Maksim wear ugly plaid and horrible nerdy glasses with a dorky bandana . . . not such a great idea. The dance itself was average, but their timing looked off throughout half of it. Judges Scores: 6/7/6.

Kristin / Mark:

This “TV star” drove me crazy in her rehearsal footage, because she kept using the phrase “bring it.” She literally said it at LEAST 5 times in the footage. “I just wanna bring it this week!” “The most important thing is that I really BRING IT!” Then she said it to Mark a few times too. Okay, we get it! You want to bring it! Just please stop saying that! Their Quickstep to the song “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” and done with a Marilyn Monroe vibe, was very good. It had a nice, old Hollywood feel to it, and they seemed to glide across the floor nicely. Did they “bring it?” I think so. Bruno agreed, calling the couple: “twinkling with pleasure,” while cranky Len needed his Depends changed as he muttered: “it wasn’t as good as you look.”  Ouch. Then he sighed heavily and drooled a little bit. Scores: 8/7/7.

Brooke Burke has come up with a new, exciting version of her favorite question (how does that feel?), which is: “Are you happy with that?” Good for you Brooke! I swear, that new Skybox Room they got her in has really given her some wonderful new ideas. Either that or it was written on the cue card. No, it’s the first thing. Brooke can’t read.

David / Kym:

I like David. I really do. But is this what someone looks like AFTER they get sober? He looks scary to me, as if he is about to explode at any minute. Literally. I fear he will spontaneously combust during a Cha-Cha. The man is filled with frantic energy that makes me nervous. He looks NUTS! If this is him sober, I would hate to see him ON something! I am most frightened by his large veiney face and long veiney arms. Their Jive was extremely wild and all over the place, as if David had just been released from a mental institution. For some reason, he reminded me of  a Jack in The Box, perhaps because I was continuously surprised and creeped out by his face and weird, jarring body movements. Horny Carrie Ann, who REALLY needs to get laid already, told David: “You are too loose! Take your energy much lower!” Clearly, what she meant was: “I’m very interested in your veiney penis.” Len Goodman asked: “Is it time for Castle yet?” Wow! He really didn’t wanna be there! Who the hell looks forward to Castle? Is it time for you to go to bed yet, Len? It is well past your bedtime, clearly you woke up on the wrong side of the coffin this morning. Judges Scores: 6/6/6. Brooke Burke asked the couple: “How do you feel?” Then, after receiving their scores, she followed up with: “How do you feel?” Oh Brooke …

Elisabetta / Val:

Errr … who … and WHO again? It is now clear to me that these two nobodies hate each other for being nobodies, and that they are both resentful and bitter that they got stuck with the other. This was a little bit obvious last week, but this week’s rehearsal footage looked like two angry people who truly dislike each other. There is such thing as fun banter and arguing, and then there is them. They both come off as having very harsh, no-humor personalities, and like they are seconds away from an assault and battery charge on the other. Put them together and it’s like a German dance troupe with no soul. I realize that last sentence was redundant. Their dance was done to a very cheesy version of a Pretenders song, and, apparently, it was good. I only saw their obvious hate for one another and couldn’t focus on the steps. This Elisabetta chick seems like someone who would go off on a murdering spree to me. I’m frightened. No wonder George Clooney will never marry; this woman probably scared him off females forever! Len Goodman sighed and said: “Well, it wasn’t great, but I guess it was better than last week.” Then he rubbed BenGay on his wrinkly elbow. Horny Carrie Ann said: “You NAILED it!” You need to get nailed, lady. Bruno said something that made zero sense, and he stood up excitedly while saying it. Tom Bergeron observed about Len: “He just seems extra cranky.” Yes, Tom. He does. Judges Scores: 7/7/7.

Brooke Burke surprised everyone with her new question: “Are you happy with that?” followed by another shot of old man Len Goodman looking like he is about to take his own life. It’s okay Len. It will all be over soon (the show, and your life). It won’t be long now until the start of Castle.

Rob / Cheryl:

This week, the pointless Kardashian danced to a pointless Jive. He is just soooo douchey. Last week, I said he had the personality of a paper towel. I was wrong. It’s more like sandpaper. He is soooo utterly boring, and on top of that, his voice is a little bit grating and he comes across like the slow kid in the slow class. He ain’t the brightest bulb in the box, and the box he is in is filled with duds. Hopefully this gives you some idea of the level of his pointlessness and zilch persona. This week we got to hear about poor Rob and his insecurities. “I’m afraid I have manboobs, and I’m insecure about my weight.” You should be more concerned with the fact that you have nothing to offer to the human race except for the name Kardashian. Manboobs would actually be an improvement. Rob and Cheryl did a silly-ass surfing themed dance, in which Rob was put in awful beige pants that made him look as if he had taken a dump inside the front of them. The Kardashian siblings were not there this week in the audience, but the pointless Kardashian mom and stupid Bruce creepy-faced Jenner appeared to be clapping and smiling. I think he was smiling. Or maybe that’s just his permanent botox face. The judges seemed to enjoy the dance for some odd reason. I got distracted and started thinking about cupcakes. Len Goodman called it a “proper” dance, and judges’ scores were: 7/7/7.

Carson / Anna:

I soooo wish that Carson Kressley was a better dancer, because he is so damn funny and is providing some of the best comedy of the season. But wow, this man cannot dance at all. This week’s dance had him looking more like a Muppet than ever, with his mouth wide open and agape the entire time as he enthusiastically warbled across the floor. Too bad he was completely off the music, messy, and just plain weird in his movements. But please, I beg of you, to look at his mouth the next time he dances. It is Muppets and Sesame Street combined. His mouth doesn’t close. It’s hilarious. Judges Scores: 6/6/6.

Ricki / Derek:

Former talk-show host Ricki Lake and her partner Derek Hough had one of the best dances this week with their flapper-style Jive. It was fast-paced, very fun, and I loved the music. Len, of course, still found problems with it and made wincing faces, saying “parts of it disturbed me a bit.” Then he shat his diaper. Carrie Ann called it the “best Jive of the night!” and Bruno stood atop his chair and pissed Len off simply by existing. Scores: 8/7/8.

Chaz / Lacey:

Ah, remember when Chaz Bono’s mere presence on the show was enough to cause controversy? Remember that? That was fun. But now, Nancy Grace and her tits have taken over as freak of the season, and Chaz is starting to realize that being a doughey, overweight white boy ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. This week, Chaz’s big issue was his ailing hairy man-knees. Yup, he is a typical out of shape man with bad knees. Classic. That being said, he did a respectable job on the Quickstep, even though the show keeps putting him in the same pair of awful looking cruise-ship waiter pants. Bruno called Chaz an “ewok”, and Len sighed heavily as he muttered something about the quickstep not being . . . quick. Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

Chynna / Tony:

The Wilson Phillips singer has a potty mouth when upset with herself and shouts horrific curse words such as “Fudge!” and “Oh fudgesicles!” Watch yourself Chynna, those are some harsh words! Their dance was very good and she looked gorgeous in the ice-blue flowey dress they provided for this well-done routine. Tony appeared in nerdy glasses while holding a book. This nerd thing seemed to be a reoccurring theme this week, and it got old very fast. Len found problems with the dance, saying, “wasn’t great.” He then kicked a small child in the audience for no reason. Judges Scores were 7/7/7.

Back in the skybox, Brooke Burke called out to the couple “Come on over here guys!” when, in fact, they were already standing right next to her. How does that feel?

Tits McGee / Man Ass:

Sigh. Last week, Prosecutor and TV show host Nancy Grace and her heaving, inappropriate bosom forced me to permanently nickname her “Tits McGee.” Her pro-dance partner didn’t help the situation by having the last name “Manas,’ which, when said phonetically, sounds like Man Ass. Well, little did I know that Tits McGee and her waterballoon “Tit Mom” boobs were only the beginning. Last week, we only got the heaving mountain of boobage. This week, during the last part of their dance, we were treated to a good, solid minute of McGee’s tits bouncing up and down, partying, and dancing, followed by the grand finale of Prosecutor Nip Slip! Out she came, for her cameo appearance on the dance floor, in all her glory;,Nancy Grace nipple! Move over Janet Jackson! Your Superbowl nip-slip is sooooo yesterday! You ain’t got nothin’ on Prosecutor Nip! Host Tom Bergeron, who has become something of a pro at trying to cover up those pesky costume malfunctions, covered the area with his body as he muttered: “Oops! Let me just help you out here . . .” The most hilarious part of the whole thing was where the camera decided to pan to – twice – while the offending Nip was being placed back inside of its mountain. For some unknown reason, the camera cut to a group of people sitting in the audience, who literally were not clapping or doing anything except looking stonefaced. As the rest of the audience cheered for Tits McGee and Man Ass after finishing their dance, this group of people appeared zombie-like and on the verge of murder. Couldn’t they have chosen to show ANY OTHER part of the audience? Clearly the cameraman is unfamiliar on how to best react to the evils of Tits McGee and her nipple. And here we thought this was a family show! Well, you know what they say: You can take the girl out of the courtroom, but you can’t take your tits out of your dress. That’s the saying, right? Bruno, in his classic form, made the situation more prominent by calling the dance a “bit top heavy”, while the other two judges seemed to enjoy the dance. I think Horny Carrie Ann got a bit excited, and Len Goodman suffered a mild and unnoticed stroke. Judges Scores: 6/8/7. Oddly, the nipple received a low score of 4/3/1. Brooke Burke became confused and went home.

J.R. / Karina:

Can we just give this guy that horrible Mirror Ball Trophy already and be done with it? He is so good! Their Jive was way more advanced than any other dance of the evening, with lifts and complicated movements throughout. It actually reminded me of the “freestyle dance” that we see much later on in the season, where the contestants get to choose whatever they want to do for their dance routine. J.R. wore suspenders and a beret type hat, and the dance was very old-timey and very, very quick. J.R. moved like a young Michael Jackson with his rubber-like legs and obvious natural dancing ability. It was, by far, the dance of the night, in my opinion. Bruno agreed, calling it “the most satisfying dance of the evening!” Carrie Anne chimed in with “fun and fantastic!” and Len Goodman ruined the party by grumpily pointing out that the dance was not in fact a Jive, but a Lindy Hop. This caused a huge fight between all three judges, who argued and talked over one another about the technical aspects of the dance. Finally, the argument came to an end when Len died of “old-man” disease. RIP Crankypants. We will miss you.

RESULTS :

This hour went on forever, with many dance numbers and more dance numbers, followed by dance numbers and dance numbers. After that, a performance by star Demi Lovato, who sang her huge hit “Skyscraper.” Apparently she is a huge deal, which is the only reason I mention her name in this review. Hopefully it will get me more hits just by typing it. Her singing, however, sounded like she was stuck inside of a vacuum cleaner.

After more pointlessness (Rob Kardashian) to fill time, the show finally revealed what everyone was waiting for . . . Tits McGee’s other nipple. No, I’m kidding. The show revealed Chaz Bono’s doughey plumber’s crack. No, no, no. The show revealed the battery pack inside Brooke Burke’s backside that makes her function, and featured a behind-the-scenes look at how she is “wound up” each week just minutes before airtime. See what you missed? You really need to start watching these results shows.

The bottom two couples were David / Kym, and Elisabetta / Val. Guess who went home? Elisabetta and Val. This is not at all surprising, as no one knows who the hell they are, and no one likes them since they appeared this week to both need extreme anger management. Brooke Burke sent them on their way, saying “It’s too soon to say goodbye!” No it isn’t. I’m okay with it.

Next week: Stay tuned as Tits McGee reveals her mountainess BUSH! Make sure you hide the kids! Nancy Grace’s appearance on the show is dangerous and could make your children want to grow up to be thick-waisted, big-boobed prosecutors who show their ginormous tits on national television!

Season 13, Episode 2 and 3 (originally aired September 26 and 27, 2011)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor