Hell’s Kitchen Review: Ramsay’s Diary – Final Entry

Monday, September 19th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, I don’t know how we did it Diary, but Hell’s Kitchen is officially closed for another year. Not only that, but I was able to pull a winner from the cesspool of chefs that were cast this season and not just because I was contractually obligated, but because the winner actually deserved it (which means you can immediately count out Elise. SPOILER ALERT.)

I prepared a special surprise for the Top 4 chefs, although I guess its no longer much of a surprise since they make me do it every year: I brought in the relatives. Like the trip to BLT Steak earlier in the year, I hoped that getting a little taste of home would invigorate the chefs and light a fire under their collective arses. It worked, sort of. Amidst the husbands, wives, brothers, and mothers that stormed the restaurant, no one got under my skin quite like Tommy and his jailbait girlfriend, who chose to make out right next to Tommy’s mum. Not the sort of tongue-lashing I deal out regularly here, but at least I can say that Tommy didn’t need the kitchen to be able to prep his own unique take on “dry rub.”

Today’s challenge was also another Hell’s Kitchen staple: Taste It Now Make It, in which I have prepared a dish that the chefs will have to replicate to the most discrete flavour using only their sight, smell, touch, and taste. All the chefs were extremely confident despite the fact that many used different ingredients, but it was Paul who managed to absolutely nail the challenge, getting all the ingredients spot on. The prize for that win was a trip to Dodger Stadium with his brother where they got to meet the players and see a game, but more importantly, they got to see one of the best chefs in the world throw out the opening pitch: ME. The losers punishment (my favorite) was the cleaning and tearing down of the dorms. As per usual, Elise started crying over the punishment again, but this time it was for a good reason- the dorms are absolutely revolting. I learned my lesson straight away after the first year to not go into those dorms without a biohazard suit. Truly, I think they based the movie Contagion on this fucking dormitory.

The night’s service is also the most important service of the year because it determines who of the chefs are real talents and who are playing dress-up. I’d be eliminating two chefs based on tonight’s performance, with each person getting a chance to run the pass. Paul was first up and almost immediately failed my first quality control test. Tommy didn’t fare much better; in fact, he did worse. Watching him run around like a decapitated chicken makes me wonder how he got this far in the first place. Elise also failed her quality control test, but holy miracle of fucking miracles, the woman rebounded by calling out another sabotage properly and continuing to push food out of the kitchen like a professional. Oh Darling, if only you could take it as much as you dish it out… Will started with a bang-up job until Elise started fucking up the garnish and I had to call what my kids deem as shenanigans, since I’m pretty sure she would stab her son in the back to further her career.

At elimination, my first choice to go was Tommy. He ended up being a fine cook, but his abilities were nowhere near what was needed to run a kitchen. The remaining three made great sells for why they deserved a place in the finals, but in the end, I decided that Will and Paul were going to be the Top Two. It took nearly all year, but I was finally able to get rid of Elise. The girl can cook, she just needs to stop being such a bitch.

With the final two chefs revealed, it was now time for them to create and refine their menus for what would be the final service of the season. Late in the day I decided to cut them a bit of a break and take them out to dinner to decompress, but they really should have known better. The restaurant facade was in actuality a big stage filled with hundreds of people where their final challenge awaited them– create five dishes that could be on the menu of BLT Steak. Each competing dish would be judged by five different culinary experts, all part of the BLT family. With the best of of five winning, it all came down to the last tiebreaker dish, tasted and judged by the owner of BLT. Will clinched the tiebreaker and won the challenge, gifting him the final reward of choosing who his brigade would consist of out of this year’s cast, who sprung out of a giant gift box. I got this idea based off of a horrid recurring nightmare I kept having where every birthday gift I received at my party was an old Hell’s Kitchen chef. I’ve never been so relieved to wake up. In a brilliant move on Will’s part, he made Paul get stuck with Elise and Carrie. I was sure hoping the two would kill each other during service.

By the time the final dinner service came around, my expectations were quick to come crashing down. With the Top 2 chefs heading both kitchens, this becomes my favorite part of every year because I can give the final chefs a taste of the special hell that I’ve put myself into. You really think I call the show Hell’s Kitchen because the contestants are in Hell? Fuck them, it’s ME. I’M IN HELL. Krupa continued to derail Will’s team by being a total sloppy klutz and ruining filet after filet of fish. Jonathan wasn’t doing much better, sucking up the meat station on Paul’s team, leaving him no choice but to kick him off the station, as did Krupa on Will’s side. With the dead weight out of the way and Elise not ripping the tits off of Carrie, service actually ended on a high and it was time to read the comment cards.

After letting Paul and Will stew in anxiety for a good 90 minutes, I finally called them to my office for the final decision; Will, the most consistent chef of the kitchen; Paul, the most passionate. They both had soaring highs and tremendous lows. And now their hands were on the final two doors that would determine this year’s winner. When the show airs it will no doubt be after at least seventeen continuous minutes of suspenseful reaction shots and music that the winner will be revealed, but in the restaurant, it was merely a simple turn of a knob, and not the knob in my pants: Paul’s door opened, making him the winner of Hell’s Kitchen. His passion fueled an early comeback and he quietly dominated every other chef in the kitchen this year. I was proud to give him command of BLT Steak, mainly because for the first year ever, it’s not my restaurant, so I don’t really give a shit.

Another year done. Now I can rest up until next season, where I will most likely murder someone either in front of or behind the camera. Until then, Diary, I’ll leave you with these last words: C-U- Next-Time.

For another opinion on this episode, check out The Nail-biting Conclusion by Desiree Neall.

Season 9, Episodes 15 & 16: “4 Chefs Compete” and “Winner Chosen” (originally aired September 19, 2011)

To relive this past season of Hell’s Kitchen through Chef Ramsay’s perspective, click here.

Images courtesy of FOX