Fringe Review: He Leaves An Awful Hole, Doesn’t He?

Fringe returned this past week, and the level of excitement I felt at being reunited with the characters and the world kind of surprised me. I mean, talking with the cast and creators at San Diego Comic Con deepened my respect and love, but I didn’t realize until last night how I had truly missed the show.

We knew ahead of time the season would begin without Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson), though according to the intel gathered at Comic Con, he is still very much a part of the cast. The opening graphics reconfirmed the fact, listing Joshua Jackson’s name right after Anna Torv’s, and in the first minutes a shimmery Peter blinked in and out of the scene.

The episode felt like a throwback to season 1, aside from the universe’s having decided to work together for the time being, and centered around a single, odd case. The episode began with Olivia (Anna Torv) and Alternate Olivia trading case files, and though they don’t trust one another, it is clear they have much to learn.

Olivia is still herself, for the most part, and Walter (John Noble) is still Walter in all his odd glory. Astrid (Jasika Nicole) is less attached to him, and is a field agent now. Broyles (Lance Reddick) doesn’t seem much different, and Nina (Blair Brown) has yet to enter the picture. The changes inflicted on the characters by the loss of Peter are subtle,  but they are there.

There is, of course, no Peter. A couple of the Observers, including the one who has softened toward humanity in general and to Peter’s plight in particular (played by Michael Cerveris), share a scene in which they reveal Peter did exist at one time. His adult variation is supposed to have been erased, but his essence continues to bleed through. The hard Observer tells the soft one he must finish this, since he began it all those years ago when he intervened to save young Peter’s life. He intones, “they must never know the boy grew to be a man.”

Creepy? Yes, I think so.

The case began with Lincoln Lee (Seth Gabel, who we learned in San Diego had been added as a permanent cast member), who is not a member of Fringe Division, out on a routine call with his partner, who was quickly killed by a mysterious, agile, translucent being who stole blood. He didn’t seem to be a vampire, but was very vampire-like in quality. Olivia told Lincoln to forget about what he saw, that he couldn’t help, but he tailed her car and ended up at the Harvard lab.  Gene is still present and accounted for, which pleased me.

Since Lincoln won’t leave it alone, Olivia took him along for the time being, and he assisted in solving the case, even guessing what common link existed between the victims. This particular villain’s story is most likely not over; we learn toward the end that there are more of the creatures, and we don’t know what they are, what they were after, or how many more might be lurking about.

What they did learn was that they are some kind of new, human breed of shapeshifter, and Walter was quick to blame his counterpart, Walternate, for their existence.

The wavering Observer collected the necessary materials to “erase someone from time” but in the end he couldn’t go through with it. Peter’s essence bled through for Walter twice, frightening the man once in a mirror and again in the television set after he’d turned it off. Clearly, Walter’s bond with Peter will play an important role in his re-emergence in corporeal form. In addition, Lincoln accused Olivia of not being able to understand what it’s like to live with a hole in your life that you can never fill – and she told him she has always felt as though something was missing, and the reason she joined the Fringe team was because she felt that she would find it there.

I love the direction they’re taking her character. She’s back to being that hard, closed off, emotionally damaged woman we met in the series premiere. The woman who only recently let those walls come down when she fell in love with Peter. I adore the idea that she would feel like he’s missing from her life, even though in this reality she never knew him. It’s kind of sad, and tragic, and those are favorites of mine when it comes to great love stories.

We didn’t get many glimpses into the alternate universe in this first episode; in fact we only saw Alternate Olivia. I assume we’ll soon be seeing the changes an absent Peter has wrought on their world as well, and I’m looking forward to that. So far the most notable differences are in Walter, who according to Olivia has “never had anything to tether him to this world.” He’s more adrift, less jovial, and considerably less confident without his son.The lack of warmth between Astrid and Walter kind of makes me sad, as I’ve grown to enjoy their easy friendship these past three years.

It was a good episode and, as always, I can’t wait to see where they’re going with the case, the characters, and the interaction between the worlds. There are too many questions at this point to even get into, but hopefully we’ll be getting some answers in the near future.

Of course I, like everyone else, wants to know not only where Peter Bishop is, but when we can expect him back. The possibilities and potential clues will keep me riveted to my television set in the meantime.

*The title of the article is borrowed from my favorite movie of all time, It’s a Wonderful Life. The full quote is “Each man’s life touches so many other lives, and when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”

Season 4, Episode 1 “Neither Here Nor There” (original airdate September 23, 2011)

Fringe airs Friday nights at 9/8c on Fox.

Photos Courtesy of Liane Hentscher/FOX

Review: Simon Cowell Explodes with The X Factor

Watching the American premiere of Simon Cowell’s creation The X Factor is kind of like watching American Idol, back in the day when Idol was still Idol. Only better. I will straight out admit to being a huge Simon Cowell fan. I always have been. Love his honesty, brashness, hilarious insults, and his very real ability to find and market unique and raw talent. To me, he was the heart and soul of American Idol. Sure, the auditions were always funny as hell;  watching all the freaks and the people who can’t sing, but those auditions didn’t seem quite so fun last season, did they? Without Simon on the panel, we were left with no biting commentary. It was the “kinder, gentler Idol.” So what did Simon do? He did what Simon does best; he packed up his white tight t-shirt and his British moodiness and he got to work on bringing his hit British show over here to America, with a few important tweaks, of course.

Cowell is kind of an evil genius, if you think about it. Look at what he did. He took all the best parts of Idol, and brought them over to his new show; the first of those things being himself. Next, he did something incredibly smart – he went after Paula Abdul, and got her. So now we get that same magic and odd but undeniable chemistry of Paula vs. Simon, and we don’t even have to watch Idol to get it. And there’s more! Idol has Coke – The X Factor has Pepsi. Idol has annoying, douchey Seacrest. The X Factor has a slightly less douchey, less annoying dork named Steve Jones. Idol has Randy Jackson. The X Factor has L.A. Reid, who kind of sort of looks like a thin Randy Jackson. Idol has J. Lo. The X Factor has Nicole Scherzinger. (Who??? Right. Exactly. Apparently she is some sort of big-ass pop star that I have never heard of. To me, she just looks like a lost Kardashian.) Idol is on FOX. The X Factor is on FOX. Are you with me here? I’m telling you, Simon Cowell is a freakin’ genius.

So how is it different? There are a few things: 1: The prize for the winner, 5 million dollars and a recording contract with Sony, is the biggest amount of money awarded in reality-show history. 2: Contestants can be as young as age 12, and there is no age limit. 3: Contestants can audition as solo singers OR as a group. 4: The auditions take place in a huge arena, in front of a live audience. 5: The contestants will eventually be broken up into four different categories (Boys, Girls, Over 30, and Groups), and each judge will compete against each other to work with and mentor specific contestants.

There. I think that covers everything. Now let’s get right to the action, since the premiere felt the need to be FOUR HOURS long (2 shows, 2 hours each). The first two episodes covered auditions in Los Angeles, Seattle, Dallas, and Miami. So, there were quite a few acts, and quite a lot happened. If I covered all of it, I would die of old age typing this. Here are some of the highlights:

Up first was Rachel Crow, a 13 year old spitfire who reminded me of Janet Jackson when she was on Good Times. She sang “Mercy,” and her voice was way beyond her years. I do not understand how the hell this chick is only 13, as her vocals sound out of this world for that young age. Another standout performance came from 36 yr. old Tarrell Carter, who was extremely soulful and had a great personality.

Someone that completely baffled me was Siameze Floyd. First of all, what kind of name is that? Really? This dude came out all serious-like, and then his performance was all-over-the-place awful. He was a combination of Prince, James Brown, and El DeBarge, minus all of their talent. He screeched and danced around in a see-through shirt that showed way too much nipple; and he gyrated across the stage. Here’s the confusing part – they put him through! They also put through Simone Battle, 21, who was conceited, feisty, and downright annoying. I did not like this chick at all. People who show up with an  attitude automatically turn me off, especially when they don’t even have the talent it takes to back it up. If you are gonna be throwing around attitude all over the place, you better be pretty damn brilliant.

On the freak side of the coin, we had Dan and Venita, a very old married couple in their seventies and eighties, who wobbled their way through “Unchained Melody” as Simon openly laughed at them. A ridiculous performance. The woman looked like she had died 5 years ago but just forgot to lie down, and the guy looked like Richard Nixon’s great great grandfather, frozen in time. Simon called them “terrifying,” which was the perfect word to describe them.

Geo Goelley began in a silvery getup, and ended up half nude as he showed off his “X Factor” to the audience and judges. Yes, he wagged around his naked penis, causing Paula Abdul to become physically ill (really?) and leave the arena to be sick. Simon made me laugh with his comment of “What the bloody hell was that?” Exactly.

One of my favorite performances came from Marcus  Canty, whom the judges compared to both Usher and Bobby Brown. Singing Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish,” he danced and moved with such natural ability that it just made me smile watching him. A huge talent.

The Anser was one of the first groups that the show focused on, and they were quite good, consisting of 3 guys in their 20′s, singing together in beautiful harmonies and smokey voices. Enjoyed their act very much.

Another high point in the show came when 28 yr. old Chris Rene, a recent recovering drug-addict with a 2 year old son, rapped and hip-hopped (is that a phrase?) his way through a completely original song titled “Young Homie.” He reminded me of a very young Eminem. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he had a LOT of soul and grit to him, and I liked it. I wanted to see what he would do next. L.A. Reid told him “You are the truth.” Emotional performance and story.

And now back to the freak portion of the show: Ashley Sansone was an obvious whackjob from moment one when she wouldn’t shut the hell up and just kept talking and talking and talking, until the judges had to finally implore her to please stop speaking nonsense and SING already. Then it got worse, because her version of singing was pretty much a lot of yelling and screeching things that didn’t sound anything like real words. Not to be upstaged, the mother/daughter duo called Dreamgirlz turned out to be more of a nightmare as they screamed their way off-key through “Barracuda.” When the judges passed on them, their redneck, backwoods brother threw a little hissyfit backstage and started flipping out at all the cameramen and producers all classy-like. As if THAT will change anyone’s mind …

Jonny Rogers, who was dubbed “Barbie’s boyfriend Ken” by Simon, pretty much looked exactly like Barbie’s boyfriend Ken. With feathered, 1970′s blonde hair, a pink dress shirt, and a performance that involved a weird robot-like dance. I felt like I was on acid, and sitting in a gay dance club in 1979. Not to be outdone, Zander Alexander gave “asshole” a new name when he came out to the stage with severe attitude and limited talent. He was very bitchy, arrogant, and a total drama queen. At one point, Simon told him to “stop pretending to cry.” At another point, it looked as if they were going to put him through, but then the audience sort of booed him, and they thought better of it. Thankfully! One of the last shots on the show was of Zander sitting in the corner, after being turned away, fake crying. At least it looked fake to me. I am so glad they didn’t put that unappreciative jerk through. That kind of pompousness makes me so angry.

Dexter Haygood, who once toured with Hall and Oates and, at age 49, was looking for his last chance at fame, had a natural and wonderfully raw, raspy rock voice, that was tainted with just the right amount of pain and emotion. Caitlin Koch was a beautiful blonde rugby coach, with the voice to match. Her subtle delivery and soft yet strong vocals were gorgeous in a very understated way.

To me, the biggest standout of this first week was an 18 yr. old woman named Melanie Amaro. When she sang Beyonce’s  “Listen”, I got chills all up and down my arms, and tears came to my eyes. She was absolutely incredible, and I cannot wait to hear her sing again with her rich and pure tone.

There are so many more auditions that I didn’t cover here, as doing so would mean I would have to quit my job and do nothing but write this. So, who were some of your favorites? Least favorites? What do YOU think of The X Factor so far? It is very early to say just yet, but so far, I am liking it.

Season 1, Episodes 1-2 (originally aired September 21-22, 2011)

Read Kelley Lynn’s reviews of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol.

Glee Review: You Can’t Stop the Glee

This week marked the return of the beautiful sound of pitch perfect notes, the smell of nervous sweating and the intoxicating effect of teen hormones. Yes, welcome back to high school, folks. More specifically, Glee’s McKinley High. Some things stayed the same, like Sue Sylvester being ridiculously callous, Will Schuester giving an assignment that he basically forgets about 5 minutes later and is sure to embarrass his students, or the glee kids bursting into random songs much to the chagrin of their peers. Yet so much changed.

When our New Directions members graced those September hallways for the first time this season, Quinn was MIA, Sue had thrown her hat into Ohio’s congressional race, Rachel and Kurt salivated over their joint Julliard dreams, Mercedes had a new boyfriend, Zizes dumped Puck, and Will and Emma were practically shacking up. Not too much is spent on how, why or when. Though I appreciate them tying up pretty much all the dangling storylines, I found it hard to forgive the jarring feel of this Twilight Zone storyline. But Glee isn’t known for being gentle or subtle, so I shouldn’t have expected much more.

Sue may have called a truce on the glee club last season, but she sure wasn’t acting like it. First of all, she turned Becky into an evil mini-me of her. When did Becky get so mean?! Secondly, being behind Candidate Undecided and Candidate Anyone White didn’t sit well with the coach, so she plotted a way to propel her candidacy forward. Find something that everyone hates. It turns out people don’t like stuck up, self-entitled artists who think they can do anything they want, even the Geometry teacher told her so. Her anti-music campaign was born, and those poll numbers were on the rise.

Of course, New Directions’ status was still close to nil after their embarrassing loss at Nationals, and with Sam’s dad accepting a new job (see ya, Chord) and zipping him away from Lima, Lauren dropping out to avoid any more damage to her cred and Quinn nowhere to be found, the club needed at least one new member. Cue Schu’s “brilliant” idea of placing “Liberace pianos,” according to Sue, all around the school. If the kids stumbled across one, they were forced to break out into song. You know, forget about class and that insignificant thing called learning. Will didn’t take Sue’s new platform sitting down. Instead, he whined (more of the same) to Figgins, but appeared more frustrated by the fact that Emma runs hot and cold, and I’m sensing a lot more cold. She packs his lunch and feeds him bagels in the morning, but we all know food can’t keep the flame in a relationship burning. Sue warned him if he did anything to interfere with her road to victory that he would pay, while she continued to plot against the glee club with the help of new Cheerios co-captains Santana and Becky. Commence Operation Destroy Purple Pianos. She’d already gutted one.

Like normal kids do, the glee club members procrastinated and avoided their public humiliation at all costs, until Rachel and Finn voiced that they have to believe in themselves or they’ll never win the big trophy. The Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat,” was the perfect high-energy tune to kick start the Glee mp3 sales but it didn’t appear to win over any of the students in the cafeteria.  Apparently, it was so awful, it started a food fight. Humiliated once again, everyone sat in the glee club, where they didn’t sing some more and also whined about how school and people can really suck, but Will stood by his idea. Heck! It even brought in Sugar Motta (Vanessa Lengies), a girl with self-diagnosed Asperger’s, who unfortunately hadn’t diagnosed her utter tone deafness yet. The girl had “I can say anything because of my self-diagnosed Asperger’s” confidence and a super-rich diplomat dad who even donated those purple pianos, so this is definitely not the last we’ll see of her.

We’ll also get to see a lot more of Blaine now that he’s transferred to McKinley. Kurt let his cutie pie know that senior year wouldn’t be the same if they weren’t able to see each other every day, and though it had to take an army to wrench that Warblers jacket off his back, he finally appeared beside Kurt at his locker, in plain clothes and still as adorable as ever. To celebrate this momentous occasion, he even sang Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual” with the Cheerios in the quad. It ended with the purple piano on fire, a political statement ordered by Sue, according to Santana. It looked like newly rebel, pink-haired Quinn was actually to blame with that cigarette, but maybe it was all planned beforehand. I’m sure her new group The Skanks would be down for any kind of destruction. Unfortunately, this didn’t endear Blaine to most of the males in the group, especially Finn, who doesn’t appreciate the “ball hog” performer, and color me shocked that everyone in New Directions didn’t welcome him with open arms. He’s certainly Nationals material.

Schu, feeling a little fired up after being so decisive with Sugar also bans Santana from glee club for the whole purple piano fiasco, telling her that she can’t sing a note until she’s ready to be wholly loyal to the club. I’m all for a Schu with a little more balls and fighting to win, especially if it inspires the group to put all that awesome energy into the incredibly infections “You Can’t Stop the Beat” from Hairspray or to share solos. Hooray for Rachel, Amber and Tina getting some belting time! Combine that with Santana’s and Brittany’s turns in “We Got the Beat,” and maybe the writers are actually listening.

My favorite storyline had to be Rachel and Kurt, who rekindled their friendship due to their shared desire to attend Julliard where they plan on becoming musical theater stars even though the school doesn’t have a musical theater program. Instead of letting this crush their spirits, Emma suggest they check out a mixer for NYADA, the New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts and see what the competition is like. After rehearsing with “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead” from The Wizard of Oz, a number they feel sure to scare everyone right out of the room, they walked into the mixer as their typical confident selves until they realize that everyone looked just like them and could potentially be just as talented.

Non-winner Lindsay Pearce from The Glee Project popped up as Harmony and performed “Anything Goes / Anything You Can Do”  from Anything Goes / Annie Get Your Gun. She shoved the two into some seats and seriously put the fear of the Broadway Gods into them. (Congrats newbie! You did good.) They had a mini-downward spiral outside in the car, but Kurt brought them both back to reality, and the two renewed their support in each other that they have the talent to make it in a sea of very talented competition. Hopefully consistent attention can be paid to this storyline. These feelings are ones that teens can relate to, especially seniors, and Glee’s problem is often missing fantastic opportunities to tie the music and story and character development together in a meaningful way.

Glee, as always, has the potential to turn in a funny, fun and emotional season 3 if it doesn’t bite off more than it can chew. With so many characters, the writers need to find a way to fit them all in fewer and less confusing storylines or not pretend some are anything more than minor characters, at least until some of the senior graduates. There’s an opportunity to do what Glee did well early in season 1 when there were fewer people to truly care about, tell a compelling story about outcasts, the struggles and how they choose to overcome them. It’s only episode one, so hope is still alive, and at least the music is as good as ever.

The Songs
“We Got the Beat” – B+
“Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead” – B
“It’s Not Unusual” – A
“Anything Goes” / “Anything You Can Do” – B+
“You Can’t Stop the Beat” – A –

Memorable Moments

• Lamarcus Tinker from Friday Night Lights and Cougar Town is Mercedes’ new love! Tinker!!
• “Wait, are you working on a time machine, too?” – Brittany
• “I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow during the summer.” – Brittany
• “Finn and Rachel’s ‘The Kiss That Missed’ already has 20,000 views on YouTube, and the comment section is just full of pithy banter like ‘Why is the T-Rex eating the Jew?’” – Kurt
• “She’s the one that got away….really, really slowly.” – Puck
• New pamphlet! ME and my HAG.
• “The people are angry. They want a candidate…who’s against something.” – Sue
• Really? A Ryan Seacrest tramp stamp, Quinn?
• Santana and Brittany trying to woo Quinn back to the Three Musketeers.
• Ex-SYTYCD contestant and background dancer Courtney Galiano with actual speaking lines as a Skank.
• “I have put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement. So feel free to wet yourself with excitement.” – Sue
• Brittany’s random pirouette in the middle of the food fight.
• “You know how many kids I cut last week? 60. All of them with big dreams, and I crushed them like pigs in a blanket.” – Beiste accompanied by a full on squeal.
• “The key to successful Cheerios tryouts is in brutal honesty, or actually maybe just brutality as I have no intention of bringing anyone new in. I just basically want to see people cry.” – Sue
• “I came here for me because I can’t stand to be apart from the person I love.” – Blaine (Awwwww!)
• Will’s “glitter bomb” retaliation against Sue during her cheerleading auditions didn’t really make any sense, but I’ll accept it just because of that adorable laugh from Becky and for turning Emma on for once. That is practically a miracle.
• “I know you totally recognize me. It’s because I’m the Gerber baby. I’ve been acting since I was a fetus…literally. An ultrasound of me was featured on Murder She Wrote.” – Harmony

For another opinion on this episode, check out A New Direction? by Alana D.

Season 3, Episode 1: The Purple Piano Project (originally aired September 20, 2011)

Glee airs Tuesdays at 8 ET/PT on Fox.

Images courtesy of Adam Rose and Fox.

Husbands: Interview with Jane Espenson

America’s Got Talent Finale: Sixth Season Winner Does It His Way

The sixth season of America’s Got Talent welcomed another eclectic collection of unconventional entertainment acts vying for a chance at national recognition and a $1 million cash prize, but the finale on September 14 unveiled yet another winner who adheres more closely to the status quo. Despite strong showings from glow-light dance troupe iLuminate, shadow dancers Silhouettes and young rock band Poplyfe, soulful crooner Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. took home the title, making him the fifth singer to be crowned the champion of the hit summer competition series.

Although studio cameras caught judge Sharon Osbourne’s jaw dropping when iLuminate was announced at third place, judges Howie Mandel and host Nick Cannon told Poptimal they both predicted Murphy as the ultimate victor.

“I’m thrilled that I could watch the journey that Landau took. I think I called it when I said he sealed the deal [after his final performance],” Mandel declared. “I think he played it tremendously; he didn’t waver from his course.”

The infectious, retro character of Murphy’s voice won over viewers and the judges alike, and the particular tone and genre of his singing caught many off guard who may have formed preconceived notions based on his looks and demeanor.

“When I first met him … I was like, ‘Okay, this guy’s cool.’ He came up with his hip-hop swag, cracking jokes, and I thought he’d go up and rap or something,” Cannon admitted. “He went out there and had a golden voice like Sinatra.”

This “element of surprise,” as Cannon called it, has certainly helped former  contestants who don’t necessarily sound as one might expect. When combined with a compelling rags-to-riches story of triumph, a winning formula for success on the AGT stage is created.

“[It’s] the same thing that worked for Jackie Evancho, same thing that worked for Susan Boyle. You never saw ‘em coming,” Cannon said of last year’s runner-up and the Britain’s Got Talent chanteuse, respectively. Both Evancho and Boyle stunned audiences when their powerhouse voices completely contradicted how the audience initially received them, Boyle in particular. In Murphy’s case, his modest upbringing and humble work ethic in addition to undeniable talent contributed to his likability factor among voters.

“He elevated his performance every single time,” Cannon affirmed. “You can’t write that better. You can’t write a guy who washes cars in West Virginia … and just grows to his best performance last night. Perfect story.”

Judge Piers Morgan also expressed admiration and respect for both Murphy and his work ethic, marveling at the purely cinematic, feel-good quality of his story.

“I thought Landau gave the best performance, and he’s such a likable, charming guy. Very humble, very sincere,” Morgan said. “He’s got an amazing story: 19 years old, homeless, ends up washing cars, living a dream … it’s like a Rocky Balboa script … for that reason he really resonated with the public. They fell in love with him; we all did.”

Murphy himself credited AGT for helping support his ability to remain down-to-earth in an industry that often pressures struggling artists to conform to a manufactured ideal. After overcoming his initial reservations, Murphy said the journey he’s been taken on courtesy of the show has resulted in gratitude for being given the opportunity to do what he does best.

“I’m never going to be ashamed of where I come from. That’s why I came to America’s Got Talent on national television … to tell that story,” Murphy said. “I always feared the entertainment business because I thought they would try to change me, but thank God America’s Got Talent is not that type of entertainment. They let people be exactly what they are. ‘It’s your talent; now show us what you’ve been doing.’”

The American public’s tendency to gravitate toward solo singers has been highlighted on every reality competition series in which they’re featured. The fact AGT follows this pattern in spite of offering a vast array of other forms of entertainment is something that could serve as a statement on our culture.

Cannon and the judges, however, noted that the tradition of deciding a “winner” might not hold any bearing on who will ultimately see the most success after the show after all. What may be popular during the season, conversely, follows a different trajectory. Cannon discussed how viewers’ inclination to resonate with a single person helps that contestant accrue a more devoted fan base quicker than a group act, thus garnering more votes. According to this logic, Murphy is certainly no exception to the rule.

“We all know that iLuminate is going to be huge and they’re the perfect Vegas show, but it’s something about America that they want a great story to go along with a great performance,” Cannon said. “Not that [the other finalists] didn’t have a great story, it’s [just] easier to connect with an individual, I believe.”

Judge Sharon Osbourne agreed, but explained her belief that winning takes different forms besides boasting a title. That being said, Osbourne was the only judge to specifically express desire to see a bit more diversity in terms of the first place finishers.

“They [all] win in different ways, because so many of our [non-winning] acts have gone on and had shows in Vegas … and do extremely well,” Osbourne said. “I know the American public loves singers. We all do. But it would be great to find an amazing magician that just blows you away, [and] we will.”

Mandel also acknowledged the indisputable trend of AGT’s list of victorious singers, but credits Murphy with that extra je ne sais quoi.

“There are a lot of singers. There aren’t a lot of Landaus,” he quipped. “I don’t think he’s just going to be the winner of a talent contest on TV, I think he’s been crowned a star.”

With six hit seasons behind it, America’s Got Talent is more than prepared to break the mold and crown one of its dozens of variety acts the next “star” of American pop culture. After seeing jugglers, gymnasts, stunt artists, acrobats, comedians and many other genres of entertainment grace the AGT stage, Osbourne went so far as to say what she hopes to see snag the title from another singer next year.

“A really good stripper,” she announced with a wink.

 

For a look back at season six of America’s Got Talent, click here. Stick with Poptimal for coverage of all your favorite reality competition shows!

Gallery images courtesy of Erin Biglow.

Additional photos courtesy of Trae Patton/NBCUniversal, Inc.

Cobra Starship performed with AGT finalists iLuminate on September 14 Cobra Starship performed with AGT finalists iLuminate on September 14	Patti LaBelle Patti LaBelle	Patti LaBelle talks to reporters after her performance with AGT winner Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. Patti LaBelle talks to reporters after her performance with AGT winner Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Patti LaBelle Patti LaBelle	Lady Marmalade herself, Patti LaBelle Lady Marmalade herself, Patti LaBelle	Patti LaBelle Patti LaBelle
OneRepublic OneRepublic	Cobra Starship Cobra Starship	Stevie Wonder after his performance with Poplyfe at the AGT finale Stevie Wonder after his performance with Poplyfe at the AGT finale
Silhouettes member talks second-place finish at the AGT red carpet Silhouettes member talks second-place finish at the AGT red carpet	LeAnn Rimes talks about her emotional performance with Silhouettes LeAnn Rimes talks about her emotional performance with Silhouettes	AGT host Nick Cannon AGT host Nick Cannon
The one and only Stevie Wonder talks to Poptimal The one and only Stevie Wonder talks to Poptimal	Stevie Wonder reflects on a legendary career in show business Stevie Wonder reflects on a legendary career in show business	Cobra Starship walks the AGT red carpet Cobra Starship walks the AGT red carpet
LeAnn Rimes LeAnn Rimes	Season Five AGT runner-up Jackie Evancho Season Five AGT runner-up Jackie Evancho	Jackie Evancho Jackie Evancho
Nick Cannon Nick Cannon	Howie Mandel and Piers Morgan Howie Mandel and Piers Morgan	Nick Cannon talks to Poptimal after announcing the Season Six winner Nick Cannon talks to Poptimal after announcing the Season Six winner
Country star LeAnn Rimes Country star LeAnn Rimes	Sharon Osbourne at the AGT finale red carpet Sharon Osbourne at the AGT finale red carpet	Sharon Osbourne hopes to see "a really good stripper" in the AGT lineup next year Sharon Osbourne hopes to see "a really good stripper" in the AGT lineup next year
AGT judge Piers Morgan AGT judge Piers Morgan	Piers Morgan discusses the AGT finale results Piers Morgan discusses the AGT finale results	Fourth place finishers Poplyfe Fourth place finishers Poplyfe
Piers Morgan at the AGT red carpet press line Piers Morgan at the AGT red carpet press line	AGT judge Howie Mandel AGT judge Howie Mandel	Howie Mandel said winner Landau Murphy "sealed the deal" with his final performance Howie Mandel said winner Landau Murphy "sealed the deal" with his final performance

Mary Lynn Rajskub Interview: How To Be Mary Lynn

I nearly called her “Chloe.”  And in the catastrophe in my mind, Mary Lynn Rajskub furrows her brow in disgust at the fact that I can’t discern the show 24 from reality and ends the interview before it even begins. As it happens, I catch myself and avert disaster, not on the grand scale with which CTU operates, but an achievement nonetheless. But CTU is the furthest thing from Mary Lynn’s mind today, which finds her focused on more pressing matters, like trying to train her TV brother to be less nice in an effort to get him laid.

How To Be A Gentleman is CBS’s new foray into comedy that aims to confirm what we already know: Nice guys finish last. David Hornsby is Alan, a tightly wound newspaper columnist who has better manners than the entirety of the South. Kevin Dillon’s Bert is the oil to Alan’s water, the personification of douche. Paired with Rajskub’s character Janet, Alan’s sister, they seek to dilute Alan’s niceties in the hopes that he has better luck with the ladies and they don’t end up walking all over his tweed-covered corpse. “The character Alan is a very well-mannered, nice guy. Which now is kind of an anomaly,” Rajskub compares. “[Janet] is kind of overbearing and intruding and wants him to stop being so nice.” Stopping someone from being nice? Sounds strange, but there are varying degrees of “nice.”  “I mean, do you really need a table setting for every dinner you have?” she wonders aloud, laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

I hate to break it to you, gentlemen, but it’s true. Being too nice gets you nowhere fast with the ladies; it’s a conversation I’ve had many, many times and a harsh fact of life in the dating uberverse. “Most of the women that I know tend towards the not-mannered guys, but we all want the other guy. The bad guy,” Mary Lynn admits, outing her fellow XX-chromosomes while recalling a recent sighting of a poor sod holding his girlfriend’s purse as she mindlessly dug through a sale rack at a local mall. “You kind of want that as a woman, but you really don’t,” She smiles coyly. Rajskub is no stranger to over-bearing sister-types, having played one to perfection in the deliriously lovely Punch-Drunk Love, opposite Adam Sandler. “In the original [Gentleman] script, I was really harsh and that’s how I played her, but now she’s a wife who is much more balanced. She kept changing up until the last minute.”

Of her experience on Punch-Drunk Love, Rajskub looks back fondly, “I can still remember what that garage in the valley looks like so clearly. That comes from Paul Thomas Anderson and his passion for the types of movies he wants to make,” she explains. “He’s one of those rare people where he can have the whole production move around his vision and operate the way he wants to without all these other elements like studios and marketing- which is important to him- but that doesn’t get in the way.” I mention the unique tone of the movie, something nebulous and wonderful, but also untouchable, characterized by animated Jeremy Blake interstitials; ribbons of color that cascade wantonly across the frame. “When you step back and look at it, it’s such an odd, specific, layered movie about behavior. It’s so funny that this is his version of a romantic comedy, but at the time, being around all of it, it made total sense.” And years later, it still does. “I had a friend tell me recently, ‘That’s my experience. That’s my anxiety.’”

And the anxiety of launching a brand new show? “We’re still working on finding that dynamic, but it’s shaping up really well,” Rajskub says of her most recent completed work of the third episode of How To Be A Gentleman. “I want to take this format that everyone knows and is familiar with and try to translate something really real with my character within that space. It’s really fun,” she smiles, in full support of the tried-and-true sitcom format, one that she was more than happy to return to the small screen for. “I always knew that I’d be working as a mom, but it was definitely really hard because I was so used to being able to make my own hours, working, doing my own writing, developing scripts and everything. It’s worth it though.”

Of course, the role that Mary Lynn is most known for is her scene-stealing turn in 24 as intrepid CTU techie Chloe O’Brien who, over the course of four years, moved up the rank and file both on and off screen to eventually become director of CTU at the close of the show. With maybe the exception of Jack Bauer, Rajskub’s Chloe was the most beloved character on the series and reprising her role in a feature film version of 24 is something that she would quickly jump at. “I would be very curious to see what the movie version of that would be, but I think it would be fantastic.” Not so fantastic, is the turgid development hell that the project is currently mired in, one with no clear end in sight. However, the simple notion of continuing Chloe’s story is too tempting. “Watching her be in charge…that was all just starting to happen. What would Chloe do, making those big decisions? Instead of doing what Jack says, now she has to figure it out, which is a huge change for her.”

While playing Chloe again may still be a twinkle in her eye, How To Be A Gentleman has Mary Lynn excited right this second. And how can she not be? A relevant and socially topical sitcom? Dealing with dating? And sex? On CBS? More, please. It’s enough to leave the most ardent of sitcom viewer, well, punch-drunk.

How to Be a Gentleman premieres Thursday, September 29 at 8:30/7:30c on CBS.

Follow Mary Lynn Rajskub on Twitter: @rajskub

Images courtesy of Christopher Beyer and CBS

 

Pearl Jam Twenty Review: Still Alive

Backstage at the 1992 MTV Music Video awards was a dramatic representation of the epic sea-change happening in music and pop culture. Wilson Phillips dallied around with Boyz II Men while a few feet away Axl Rose paced anxiously in circles, strategizing how his band-of-excess Guns N’ Roses could recover from the behemoth of…the two guys slow dancing together in the corner? It’s widely known that Nirvana and Pearl Jam were at odds with each other in the early 90s; Kurt Cobain calling out Pearl Jam for being too commercial-sounding to be truly “Alternative,” leaving Eddie Vedder, too reverential and humble to snap back, to simply take the criticism. What is little known is that, at the height of their so-called “feud,” Kurt grabbed Eddie backstage at the VMAs and the two slow danced together, laughing their asses off. They later embraced, in a warm significant hug. Kurt smiled, mischievously putting his finger to his lips in a “tell no one” expression, Eddie applauding in humorous approval. It’s only seen for a few fleeting seconds, but it is the single most touching moment in PJ20 (Pearl Jam Twenty), a new feature-length documentary that deftly captures a band that literally had the entire world in the palm of their hand, walked away from it, and continued to endure like no other rock band in recent history.

It began out of inconceivable loss. Andrew Wood, the brightest singing light of love and joy in the Seattle music scene, tragically died of a drug overdose in 1989, reducing his band Mother Love Bone, once on the verge of success, to stare down into the deep abyss of the unknown. In a nascent-Nirvana 1989 Seattle, Mother Love Bone was tapped to be the breakout success of the scene, due in no small part to Andy Wood. Recalling Wood’s death, Soundgarden frontman Chris Cornell is brought to tears thinking about his best friend’s last painful days. “For all of us, it was the end of innocence,” he pushes out through a shaky, distraught voice. “It’s just so hard to articulate.” Wood’s absence left a deep hole in the Seattle scene and for a band that was destined to become the second coming of Queen, they could only assume that this was the end. Mother Love Bone’s second coming, however, ended up appearing fresh off a fifteen foot swell of prime San Diego surf, from the deep baritone of a California boy named Eddie.

This is the way in which Pearl Jam was conceived. An instrumental demo tape hot-potatoed from musician to musician until it ended up in the capable hands of Eddie Vedder. A stroke of creative genius, a flight to Seattle, lightning in a bottle. Their ensuing success is well documented and well known; turning their backs to infinitely rising success, fighting Ticketmaster, stepping away from their record label. But it has never been told from the perspective of the band. This is the rocket fuel behind PJ20, piloted with finesse by Cameron Crowe, longtime friend and creative confidant of the band. Crowe’s ties to Pearl Jam date back to late 1991 when he was in Seattle shooting his second film, the under-appreciated Singles and asked them if they wanted to cameo in the movie. The impetus for the film was his unyielding love for the music coming out of Seattle at the time and wanting to incorporate that scene into a narrative. The band at the time were still on the verge and as such, their skills outside acting were used to carry cable, clean sets, and roadie out equipment. It would be a bonding experience between band and director that would stand the test of time, Cameron returning to the band over the years to interview them for various news outlets and building a personal relationship with all of them outside of work. Off the back of his long time friendship with Pearl Jam, the band went to him to assemble a documentary that would tell their twenty year story in their own words.

The movie, in short, is a revelation for fan and non-fan alike.  Thousands upon thousands of hours of footage has been discovered, pored over, filtered, assembled, and shot to create the narrative of one of the most private bands of their or any other generation. The film at its core is broken down into two parts: The first ten years, and the second ten years. Inherently, the first section is more exciting and fascinating than the latter, but isn’t the infant years of a really great band always the most interesting? Isn’t it better to remember Elvis all lean and swagger and pompadour and not fat, old, and balding? Not that the second ten years is any of that. Earmarked by the horrific disaster of Roskilde, in which nine people died from being crushed during Pearl Jam’s performance, the second cycle of the band sees them more reflective, conscious, and dogged about every decision they make, critical of not just how it will affect them, but their fans as well. The fans, who end up being an important component to the band’s second cycle; who, when the boy band and Pop onslaught of the early oughts ravaged popular music (and still does in many ways), stuck with Pearl Jam and continue to stick with the band by the millions. Their enduring support keeps the band alive and kicking as much as the band themselves do. It’s a fluid relationship that, twenty years on, shows no signs of slowing.

The most significant contribution that Crowe offers with PJ20 is his humanization of the band. He works hard to dispel the myth that the band are a bunch of angry, too-serious-for-their-own-good guys, a key facet of the film, but one that is not without its share of baggage. Using this method, Crowe also avoids the inner-dramas that plagued the band during its heady heyday years. The firing of drummer Dave Abbruzzese and his tepid relationship with the band, the reversal of creative power from Stone Gossard to Eddie Vedder, Guitarist Mike McCready’s substance abuse; all of these things are either touched lightly with a ten foot pole or not at all and the film does suffer from a bit of rose-colored-glasses because of it. That said, knowing how private the band is, the mere fact that this documentary exists at all is a minor miracle. It wouldn’t have hurt to also let the film breathe, but in the end this is probably one of the positives of the movie- leave them wanting more. And want more I did. The minutiae of recording each album, the hazards of the early tours, the reception from other Seattle bands of the time, particularly the Sub Pop contingent. All questions fascinate, but would have ended up as a seven-hour feature and no one wants so sit through one of those. Maybe in another twenty years we’ll get a Beatles Anthology-esque mini-series that puts a microscopic lens over every moment of the band, but until then there is Pearl Jam Twenty and as it exists, it will no doubt go down as one of the great music documentaries of all time, holding its own with Gimmie Shelter, The Last Waltz, and The Kids Are Alright. 1991 was the last important era for rock music and twenty years on, we can remember and acknowledge that four guys from Seattle (and a surfer dude from San Diego) helped to redefine and change the landscape of music forever.

 

Images courtesy of IMDBPro

Glee Review: A New Direction?

This episode was directed by Eric Stoltz, of Some Kind of Wonderful fame.  I miss ’80s movies.

The members of our favorite glee club are back, and contemplating their futures.  Kurt and Rachel are still resolved to go to NYC following graduation, while Santana plans to model her fierceness after Paula Abdul.  Also, Mercedes is no longer with Sam, but with a husky McKinley athlete with whom she can have cocoa babies.  Meanwhile, poor Finn doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.  Finn’s scenes suggest that his anxiety about his future will be a future plot point, although with this show’s general disinterest with plot continuity, I’m not counting on it.

Will and Emma are together, but not doin’ it, and that’s all I really want to say about them, hopefully forever. Will is determined to get New Directions to Nationals this year.  First order of business: replace the three members they’ve lost — Sam, Quinn, and Zizes.  His grand plan to attract new members?  Purple pianos.  It’s as genius as it sounds. Rachel’s idea to attract people to choir is to perform in front of the McKinley student body during lunch hour.  They sing “We Got the Beat” and it’s highly entertaining.  I thought Puck’s push-ups on the cafeteria table were particularly impressive, but, as usual, the McKinley students are unimpressed.  Instead of inspiring applause, the performance inspires a food fight.  However, the performance does inspire Sugar Motta, a student with self-diagnosed Asperger’s (so she can say whatever she wants) to try out.  She is very impressed with herself, but is pretty awful, causing Will to struggle with the decision to let her join, since he’s got a philosophy that clubs shouldn’t exclude people.   However, a student with self-diagnosed Asperger’s is too good a character to pass up, so I hope to be seeing her again soon.  Besides, Mike Chang can’t sing, and he’s in New Directions, so I don’t really understand where the club gets off turning down Sugar.

Luckily for us all, Sue still plans on destroying Glee.  This time, it’s part of her anti-arts campaign in a special election for a seat in the Ohio Congress.  She forces Santana to choose loyalties between the Cheerios and New Directions, and enlists her help in destroying the purple pianos.  Santana agrees.  However, Will had decided that he cannot stand this divided loyalty any longer, and kicks Santana out of glee club.  It seemed a bit harsh, honestly, and uncharacteristic of Will, especially in the same episode where Will says that anyone who wants to be a member of the club should be able to join.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Kurt are planning to audition for the New York Academy for the Dramatic Arts (or NYADA, a totally made up college), and decide to go to a meeting of applicants being held at the local Doubletree Inn (an actual hotel).  Kurt and Rachel prepare for their meeting at the Doubletree, and perform “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.”  It’s an odd song choice — the song barely has emotional heft when sung in the musical, so it seems a particularly bad choice to perform in front of people you want to impress.  When Rachel and Kurt get to the meeting for NYADA applicants, they find a group of students as accomplished and talented as themselves, and are humbled by the experience.  It’s a total reality check, and deservedly so.  The other applicants perform a mash-up of “Anything Goes” and “Anything You Can Do” and it feels lifted directly from a Broadway stage somewhere.  Color me impressed — I actually watched it three times.  Nonetheless, Rachel and Kurt vow to not give up on their dream to get to NYADA.

Also, Kurt’s boyfriend Blaine (in honor of Darren Criss’ adorableness, and the fact that he really is a part of Glee now, I shall declare Blaine a real name [although still not one that normal people should give their children, ever]) has decided to leave the Warblers and join New Directions.  However, he has not joined Kurt and Rachel in their NYC plan, which I find odd.  Darren’s debut McKinley performance is “It’s Not Unusual” out on McKinley’s stairs.  The Cheerios make awesome back-up dancers to his performance, with Santana in particular enjoying herself.  Then Quinn flicks a cigarette and the purple piano goes up in flames.  Personally, I thought it was a great finale, but apparently it was not planned and glee club is taken aback.

Also, Quinn quit glee club, and has adopted a Hayley Williams look over the summer, although I highly doubt that Hayley has a Ryan Seacrest tattoo.  She has left New Directions and the Cheerios for a group of highly stylized social misfits known as the “skanks” and says she won’t look back, so I predict that she’ll be back in both by Episode 4.  The thing is, the longer she’s not in New Directions, the more I realize I don’t miss her.  Really, she’s kind of a useless character.

And that’s pretty much it.  The show closes with “You Can’t Stop the Beat,” which I enjoyed.  Still, nothing in this episode convinces me that Glee‘s third season will be much better than its second.  I’m actually looking forward to these kids graduating — Glee‘s new blood can’t come early enough.

So what did you think?  This episode was heavy on Broadway; did you like that, or do you miss all the Katy Perry?  And will anyone else miss seeing Blaine in his Warblers’ uniform?

For another opinion on this episode, check out You Can’t Stop the Glee by Inisia Lewis.

Season 3, Episode 1: The Purple Piano Project (originally aired September 20, 2011)

Glee airs Tuesdays at 8 ET/PT on Fox.

Images courtesy of Adam Rose and Fox.

America’s Next Top Model Review: How To Brand A Top Model

It was everyone’s favorite episode on ANTM last night- the makeover day! Before the models could proceed with their “Ty-overs”, however, they were paid a visit by professional branding expert Martin Lindstrom to help each girl identify their true marketing potential. Lindstrom has worked with various Fortune 500’s, along with Tyra herself, and bluntly gave the models the truth on how their fans perceived them. Telling Alexandria her fans found her “annoying” and that Kayla’s LGBT pride “was so five years ago” sounds like a bad thing but twisting those traits into positive branding words like “tough” and “free” can make all the difference when you’re in the public eye and that was the goal of the exercise.  Some were pretty obvious and not so negative though, like Lisa being undeniably “daring” and Allison’s “unique” character traits.

Keeping their new labeled words in mind, it was time for the ladies to feel the shock of new haircuts. Ashlee Simpson was the guest celebrity of the episode and helped introduce the girls to their new looks along with Miss J. It wouldn’t be ANTM without waterworks and drama which poor Bre wound up creating when her lovely locks were traded for an uber-sleek bob. A few tears in the bathroom and a talk with a Top Model producer later, Bre sucked it up and decided not to go home, as she was previously threatening. Alexandria, on the other hand, had the polar opposite reaction to her newly chopped coif (“polar” being the key word here) when she burst out in a fit of joy and emotion over the new ‘do, confusing and frightening everyone in the room.

The day’s photo-shoot showcased their new looks along with trying to embody their new personal brands all while eating a foot long from the famous Pink’s hot dog spot in LA. The real goal was for each girl to create their own signature hot dog and the winner with the best photo would have their branded “America’s Next Top Model Hot Dog” added on to the Pink’s menu. Some of the model’s did such a stellar job like Laura, whose superstar shoot was hard to follow. Others, like Kayla, Bre and Sheena, couldn’t quite capture their inner-brands.

At elimination time, after the models were shown their best photos, Tyra’s Ty-overs were not quite finished when she took clippers to Nigel’s head, bringing him back to that trademark look that we’ve all grown accustomed to. Apparently, Tyra wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get used to the idea of Nigel with a little hair on his head. Afterwards, deliberation continued and Lisa was crowned with best photo of the day because honestly she rocked the photo shoot but also had the most unique, in my opinion, Pink’s bunless hot dog creation complete with veggies which she so perfectly named “The Skinny Little Bitch.” Bianca was runner up and proved herself to be a worthy adversary in the competition along with Lisa. Bre’s overwhelming feeling of defeat over her current hair cut had the judges seriously considering her place in the all-star competition but she snuck by this week, leaving Kayla and Sheena in the bottom two. Although Kayla’s version of “free” was subpar, it was Sheena’s lack of “unexpected” branding that day was what ultimately got her kicked out of the competition.

 

Cycle 17, Episode 2: Ashlee Simpson (originally aired September 21, 2011)

Images courtesy of The CW.

 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Punta Cana, Here Comes Jersey!

I’d like to start with a shout-out to Lynn, who last week called me a “dumb donkey,” and rightfully so. Yes, you’re correct Friday comes after Thursday. My only excuse: I have subscribed to the Teresa Giudice way of thinking  and started turning even the simplest things on their head.

Now, onto this week’s episode of RHONJ. The whole clan decides to take their crazy international to Punta Cana. But before they go, our Jersey ladies need to pack. Melissa includes a fringy thing that vaguely resembles a vest Randy Travis would wear in concert. Teresa brings about 85 swimsuits that haven’t yet been seized and distributed to all her creditors. Jacqueline packs swimsuits with accompanying wraps that conceal the danger zones on her body but also decides to include some skimpy ones she refuses to wear but wants to show the girls. Jackie, (if you don’t mind me calling you that, I mean I just feel so close since I watch and write about your life every week) wearing wraps on the beach is cool and all, BUT please leave the swimsuits from your golden years at home. Lauren Manzo, the grump of the trip, declares she’s on her period and that she’s too much of a hippo to wear a bathing suit. Her alternative: donning some XXL large t-shirts as if she just stepped off a Lil’ Wayne video shoot. Girl: just throw on a swimsuit with strategic ruffles and rouching. Easy breezy.

Meanwhile, on Cousin Kathy’s side of town, Rich Wakile feels the need to let his teenage son know that he and Cousin Kathy knocking boots like rabbits the entire vacation. I’m surprised Joseph didn’t drop to the ground, convulse in seizures and start frothing at the mouth.

Off to Punta Cana. Upon arrival, everyone moves into their respective villas, which look way too classy for their occupants. I’m thinking some bright blue carpet, gold curtains and Adams Family candelabras may really make the place feel like home. Once the clan settles in, Teresa models all her swimsuits for the Lauritas and Manzos in order to achieve a group consensus on how slutty she should look for a catamaran trip.  For Teresa’s first outfit, she appears all lubed up in a solid gold sheet mini skirt and top which she strips off to reveal a solid gold skimpy bikini. The whole table shares looks of sheer horror and nausea, including Caroline whose migraine was offended at the display. Next, Teresa models her bedazzled “Mermaid” bikini, which elicits a big group “FML.” Lastly, she shows up with a purple cover up, which covers nothing. By the time this entire fiasco is over, it feels like someone should’ve made it rain dollar bills all over the villa floor. But Greg, queen of the Melissa fan club, sums it all up perfectly: Tre is trying so hard because she doesn’t want to be upstaged by her sister in law. No worries there because Melissa arrives on the catamaran wearing a one-piece monokini that starts as a swimsuit on top and ends in some sort of ruffled jean skirt on the bottom. Fail.

We get past the catamaran trip without any major dust-ups but as soon as the clan docks for dinner, the fireworks begin. First, Juicy Joe Guidice tries to take on Albert Manzo in the restaurant knowledge game. Idiot Juicy proclaims that he is going to open up a restaurant and it should be an immediate success. When Albert asks how this little venture is going to make money, Juicy has no other answer other than something like, “It will because I’m telling all of yous it will.”  Albert just shakes his head and realizes it would be more pleasant diving into a vat of quicksand than to talk to Juicy.

Next comes the big fight.  Considering the endless supplies of alcohol and short tempers, what a surprise, right?  And in my best Michael Buffer voice “In the red corner hailing from Franklin Lakes, NJ waving some mean canolis it’s Cousin Kathy. And in the gold corner also from Franklin Lakes and the best pound for pound in crazy, it’s Teresa Giudice!  Let’s get ready to rummmmble!” It all starts when Kathy states that she would like to start a catering business because it will enable her to remain close to her kids. Tre takes offense to Kathy’s comment, because Kathy was obviously taking a dig at her. We see Teresa quickly cross the bridge from Punta Cana to Punta Cana I Kick Your Ass as she yells at Kathy to stop insulting her parenting abilities. It’s an asinine jump in logic but when you don’t have any, it’s a jump that’s easy to make. Finally, after a lot of yapping, Juicy  tells them all to “Shat UP!” As Teresa walks away, she imagines Kathy calling her a b*tch behind her back, when in reality, Kathy did not. “Did she just call me a b*tch??,” Teresa wonders aloud. Oh no Tre, Kathy did no such thing, so do us all a favor and turn your orange ass around, walk straight into the bathroom and change into the Mermaid outfit because times up on that gold crap you’ve got on.

While Tre and Juicy stomp off after the battle royale, Greg wonders if the two are going to find a dark corner of the island to discuss in their “third grade words” what just went down. And of course they do. Here’s a little snippet, paraphrased, of course:

Tre: That slut Kathy don’t know anything! She knows nothing about me or my family!

Juicy: F ‘em Tre. Just F’em all. How do dey know how we do us? Dey don’t!

Tre: Think we can get Milania to break Kathy’s knees when we get home?

Juicy: Milania will break that poon’s knees and rip her flesh all off. We’ll dump her rotten body in the same place we dropped all your book money. Somewhere nones of them will find it!

Next week, stay tuned for some more Punta Cana drama but until then, enjoy the peace and quiet.

 

Season 3, Episode 17: Get To The Punta (originally aired September 18, 2011)

Images courtesy of Bravo TV.

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