The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Drama, Fitness and Joeboken

Another week of RHONJ and another episode chock full of crazy. First, two of Teresa’s little girls give us soap opera drama with reckless abandon. We start with the super scary 5 year-old Milania (whose main facial expression is a scowl) crying and pitching a fit over which outfit to wear for her birthday party. It’s hard on the ears because on a good day, Milania has the raspy voice of a 75 year-old lady whose been smoking since in the womb. So can you imagine what this child sounds like on tantrum days? She’s got the guttural cry of a wild animal (with giant horns) that is howling at the moon while also ripping apart a deer carcass. I wouldn’t want to run into Milania in a dark alley without a taser and even then, she’d probably wrestle it out of my hands, bang me up good and leave me in a pool of my own throw-up. Teresa uses euphemisms to cover up for Milania’s barbaric behavior. For example, “she’s just outspoken” really means, she’s going to rip you a new one if you don’t let her do whatever she wants and “don’t cross her” means “don’t mess because she will break your knees and toss your rag doll body into the nearest sewage pit.”

Next, we have “G” to the “-ia,” who pens and sings a couple songs at Milania’s birthday party. I debated the extent to which I should critique her songwriting and singing abilities and came to the conclusion that even little Gia could stand some constructive criticism once in a while. Dear Gia, I’d like to start with a positive – the fact you write and sing songs at such a young age is great. Having said that, your voice is pitchy and I don’t care for the vibrato you do on each note. It’s a little Aguilera-esque and you are better than that. Next, your lyrics remind me of one Rebecca Black. I’m gonna need you to revise the following, “First you were 1/Then you were 2/Then you were 3/Then you were 4.” Right, and we all know that  Thursday comes after Friday. Let’s rev up your noodle and get some non-sequential lyrics on paper!

After Gia belts out the counting song, she breaks into an emotional tribute to her Uncle Joe and Teresa. She barely gets out the first line, “Waking up in the morning [insert trill here]” before bursting into tears. Gia’s tortured soul made me want to slap Mother Teresa. Her antics this season have made poor Gia an emotional basket-case. While Gia’s performance didn’t get me sobbing uncontrollably like I was during that one Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Carlton accidentally pops amphetamines from Will’s locker and ends up in the hospital, I was still moved. Adults of New Jersey, can’t you see what you are doing to Gia? Start acting right, if not for yourselves, then for Gia and her trill.

Moving past Gia’s sorrow, I’d like to say a few words about my favorite Jersey boy band, Albie, Christopher and Greg. Those three crack me up. When they started ripping on Teresa’s book, Skinny Italian, I died. What do you call Teresa taking the SAT? Stupid Italian! What do you call Teresa writing a book about her sister-in-law? Jealous Italian!

This week, Greg is my hero as he dresses his miniature pooch in a purple puffy coat.  What’s next? Is he going to tell us the little dog’s name is Barbara Streisand?

We also see the whole Jersey clan attempt to do a 5K run for charity. Jacqueline can barely recall who the race benefits. Disableds, she thinks? At any rate, watching all these clowns get ready for the race is painful. Instead of stocking up on electrolytes and energy bars, Juicy Joe Guidice decides to pack sausage and wine. In the middle of this, Teresa has the nerve to tell us that Juicy is really fit and will kill it in the race. Um, Tre –if you poked Juicy with a pin, I’m pretty sure the same goo that’s in the center of a danish would ooze out.

Pretty much everyone who ran the race cheated with the exception of cousin Kathy and Rich. Hats off to them for actually showing up to run the entire 3.2 miles. And one more thing, Tre, don’t be making fat jokes about Kathy just because she’s got healthy curves. You might be skinny but you dress like a disco ball and your brain struggles to emit waves, most of the time.

Lastly, my favorite Albie, Christopher and Greg quip of the episode: what do you call a Joe in Hoboken? Joeboken! And it’s true – Joe turns Hoboken into Joeboken on his visit to the big city. He orders Greg to fondle Melissa, calls his precious “Tarzan” and fists pumps all over town. Not bad Joe.

Season 3, Episode 16: Singing In The Pain (originally aired September 11, 2011)

Images courtesy of Bravo TV.