Review: Dancing With the Stars Parties Like it's 1989
“It’s 80′s night, and the rhythm is gonna get ya!” Tom Bergeron warns us as he opens this week’s Dancing With the Stars, standing next to the lovely Brooke Burke Charvet (which is French for “Tom?”), who was sporting some pretty kick-ass 1980′s big hair atop her brunette head. Bergeron, however, remained in his current, modern day spiffy suit and hairstyle. Now that I think about it, Bergeron has looked the same for decades. No matter what era it is, TommyB pulls off maturity and handsomeness effortlessly. He is a timeless gem, topped with an endless supply of wit and humor. (Okay Tom – have I kissed your ass enough yet to make up for last week’s insensitive crack about you looking like Brooke Burke’s dad? Good. Now we can all move on. ) Each of the eight remaining couples would dance to a song from the 1980s, complete with more ridiculous costumes, characters and scenarios. And the best part? All of this happened “LIIIIIIIIVVVVEEE!!!!! THIS is Dancing With the Stars!!!!!!!” Let us get right to the cheesy, mirror-ball action. . .
Hope / Maks:
Still not feelin’ it with Hope Solo. She comes across as annoyingly whiny and almost bitchy to me. She doesn’t seem like she really wants to be there, and she always looks like dead weight on the dance floor, even when she does a good routine. There is no soul in her eyes when she moves. Am I making myself clear here? During rehearsal footage, Hope explained that she has trouble getting into the character of each dance, because in her sport, she is less familiar with acting and more familiar with “balls being driven at my face.” WHOA!!! HEY!!! This is a family show, lady! Nobody needs to hear that! Oh, wait. You were talking about soccer? Ahhh. Well, I guess that’s okay then. The couple danced a Tango to Bon Jovi’s “Livin On A Prayer” which I would review for you if I remembered one thing about it. Watching this woman dance is like watching someone drag a piece of plywood or cardboard across a dance floor. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …….. total snoozefest. Grandpa Len called her “too willowy in the body,” while Bruno exclaimed something about her being an “80′s super bitch!” Carrie Ann chimed in, and then all three of them argued and yelled back and forth and spoke at the same time like those crazy-ass bitches on The View. Then Len got tired and took a little nap. Judges’ Scores were 8/8/8, and Brooke Burke Charvet (which is French for “I like shoes”) wanted to know “How does that feel?”
Carson Muppet / Anna:
During rehearsal footage, Carson Muppet got very frustrated with the challenges of the Jive, excused himself from the dance room, screamed, and then returned. He cracks me up. The couple danced to Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” and appeared in the cutest, cheesiest, most colorful getups one has ever seen. 3 seconds into the dance and Carson was all open-mouthed Muppet again. The dance was SO adorable and SO fun and SO colorful, it was almost hard to notice how awful Carson really is as a dancer. Almost. It looked a bit like Toni Basil on crack. They had the whole cheerleader vibe going, pom-poms included, and it felt like if Donny and Marie Osmond ever had an 80′s special at a Roller Rink. Bruno called it “a crowning achievement in madness!” Carrie Ann didn’t notice any technique anywhere in the entire routine. Fossil Len started with “Carson, you know I love you. . .”, to which Carson replied: “I know. I’ve been getting your letters.” Bergeron laughed his handsome ass off, and Len spit up a bit of oatmeal onto his shirt sleeve. Judges’ Scores were very low at 6/6/7, and Burke asked them how did that feel. Then, she attempted to make a little pun using the title of the 80′s song. “If you don’t want them to ‘go-go’, then call and vote!” HAHAHA!!!! Get it??? Go-go??? Wham??? I wonder how long she stood in the mirror the night before practicing that gem. My guess is 6 hours.
Tits McGee / Man Ass:
It’s gotten to the point now where I am expecting Nancy Grace to show me the money (Her ta-tatas. Or nipples. Or let out a fart. I’m not fussy.) So, when all goes seemingly normal for the couple and there are no major mishaps, it is rather disappointing. The couple danced The Rumba to Spandau Ballet’s “True” and McGee’s hot pink and black dress and horrible wig made her look like a tranny, or Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister. It looked to me like she forgot the steps in mid-dance, but nobody mentioned it at all, so I must be nuts. The judges seemed to like her this week, while I thought she looked like she was being dragged against her will across the dance floor. Hey, what do I know? Judges’ Scores were high at 7/7/8, and there were no major catastrophes involving boobs, nips, or gas leaks. Although rumor has it that Grace wasn’t wearing any panties. No, that’s not true. I just wanted to gross you out. Brooke told us to vote for them if we thought that their dance was “True.” Get it??? True? The song? Never mind.
J.R. / Karina:
Just like “Charvet” is French for “Huh?”, J.R. is Latin for Jose Rene, which I was unaware of until this week; when J.R. decided to bring out his Latin roots (anotherwords … shake those hips!) The couple danced The Samba to Miami Sound Machine’s “The Conga”, and it was by far the dance of the night. Len awoke from his coma to report “Way to go Jose!” Bruno called J.R. a “loin-shattering sex machine!”, and Horny Carrie Ann pleaded “I want more! MORE!” Oh, I bet you do, lady. Calm the hell down. Judges Scores were 9/9/10, and Brooke Burke asked “How GREAT does that feel?” See what she did there? She added the word “great” to her classic question; so therefore; it’s technically a different question. Right?
Rob / Cheryl:
Pointless Kardashian boy got all worried and concerned because he was told he needed to be sexy in this dance, which was The Rumba. Dork-boy apparently has never had to be sexy before in his life, and he doesn’t know how. I swear, he looks like someone who just sits in a basement all day long playing video games on his Playstation. However, by some small miracle, Cheryl was able to bring out the man inside the little boy (please don’t take that literally), and he delivered a very nice dance. Len told him that he “took command,” and Horny Carrie Ann purred that he was full-on “sexy; you were totally in control of the woman!” Then she pounced on him and began to grind hard. Scores were 9/8/8, the highest this couple has ever received. HOW DOES THAT FEEL???
Chaz / Lacey:
Okay, why is this dude still fat? Everyone else is losing weight left and right, and tubby over here still looks like my middle-aged plumber. I will say that his arms seem to be getting more firm and less. . .well. . .flabby. In any case, the couple danced The Samba, and the producers put Chaz in yet another horrible, awful cruise-ship waiter-looking suit. Luckily, this time, he did take off the jacket soon after they started dancing. What was underneath the jacket? ANOTHER horrible, awful shirt that was covered in blue ruffles and looked like “the puffy shirt” from that Seinfeld episode. The song was “Get Down On It” by Kool and the Gang, and the couple was very good. Bono shook his plumber ass quite well, and the Judges seemed to approve. Bruno mumbled something about dribbling a basketball. I have no freakin clue what the hell he was talking about. Len made a grumbling noise and then chewed on a sucking candy. Scores were 7/7/7, and Brooke was curious as to how did the couple feel?
David / Kym:
Creepy vein-face-head put a lot of effort and dedication in this week, wanting badly to prove that he is, in fact, a dancer. The couple danced a Tango to Soft Cell’s hit “Tainted Love.” The Judges were all in agreement that the dance was strong, and perhaps David’s strongest in awhile. Len called it fantastic, Carrie Ann said it had no musicality, and Bruno stood up and waved his arms in the air while offering up metaphors no human being can understand. All three judges talked over each other, and Bergeron scolded them gently, saying “Kids! When you all talk at once, we can’t hear anything you’re saying!” Backstage in the skybox, Burke asked David a simple question, to which he responded: “Barrghhtmuffin murphhhhuth heh heh heh oooooooohhhh Gowd Yessss dvncoiavvvvvttttyyyy 7777 HA!!!” Dude, WTF are you saying? He is such a goon. Judges’ Scores were 8/9/8, and David yelled out something into Brooke’s microphone, laughed wildly, then exited the skybox area. Please get help.
Ricki / Derek:
During rehearsal footage, Lake had a visit from the man that launched her career with the film Hairspray, John Waters. He basically told her to have fun. Gee, that’s some genius advice there! The couple danced a foxtrot to the horrible Phil Collins song “Easy Lover.” Yuck. As Derek Hough pointed out, the song’s melody and tune does not lend itself at ALL to a foxtrot dance, so this was challenging for them and their performance wasn’t quite as high quality as normal. Very cute and fun dance, but the Judges had seen better from Ricki, so they were being a bit harsh I think. Scores were 8/8/8, and nobody could find Brooke Burke or David Arquette. Later, they were both discovered on the roof of the building, laughing maniacally and enjoying mints.
Blah blah blah. Lots of dancing. Blah blah blah. Kelly Clarkson performance. A whole bunch of clips, montages, and pro-dancing. Brooke Burke talks to some of the couples backstage, and Chaz Bono has his fly open the whole time. Not so great being a dude, eh? EH???
The bottom two couples were Carson/Anna , and Hope/Maks.
Carson Muppet and Anna went home. Yes, he stunk as a dancer. But you know what? He was THE most entertaining contestant on the show. He was funny and smart and just so much fun. Why the heck couldn’t stupid Hope have gone home? She looks miserable there, so lets send her home already. As for Carson, I am hoping he lives up to his wish: to be paired with another man in the finale show, hopefully Maks. I would pay money to see this. Please make it happen DWTS!
Next week is Broadway Week. Showtunes without Carson Kressley? TRAVESTY! I simply will not have it.
Season 13, Episode 8 and 9 (originally aired October 17 and 18, 2011)
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Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c; Results on Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.
Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor