Dancing With the Stars Review: Movie Night Brings Gay Pirate, Chubby Boxer, and Missions Impossible

Oh, Dancing With the Stars, you’ve done it again! You never cease to amaze me with your ability to create and deliver high-drama, (sometimes unintended) comedy, and epic levels of cheese-fest entertainment, week after week after endless week. How DO you do it? Well, “Theme Nights” don’t exactly hurt, and this week, you came up with another doozy: Movie Night. Yes folks, as Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke “Charvey” (which is French for “what’s happening?”) informed us while standing together looking as if they were about to attend a father-daughter prom: this night would be all about the movies. And how best to begin an unforgettable show such as this? Well, with the DWTS Dance Troupe “mucking about” (Len’s favorite term for anything involving props) with lightsabers and severely spray-tanned bodies to the theme from Star Wars, of course! Cue up that music Tommy B, because this show is “LIIIIIIVVVVEEEEEEEE!” Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot, doot doot doot doot doo…..

Let’s get right to the exciting and often ridiculous action, otherwise known as dancing. Here’s what you need to know: each couple was given a song from a famous film, and each couple really went all out with costumes, props, and “acting” (the quotes are for the really bad actors) in order to bring the song and the story of the movie to life. Get out your chemically butter-flavored movie theater popcorn and get ready to be entertained. Are you ready? Are you sure? Oh, wait a second. Before we start the dancing madness, there seems to be a tiny person at the bottom of the TV screen, mumbling something or other up at Tom Bergeron as he talks. Oh, look at that! It’s a little mini Tim Allen promoting his new crappy TV show Last Man Standing on ABC! Because that’s not annoying or anything, trying to watch the show you ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING and having this little pop-up man continue to show up to order you to watch HIS show by cutely pointing at his stupid logo and folding his arms and making a silly face as if that is somehow funny in any way. No, that’s not annoying at all. GO AWAY!!! Thank you. Okay. NOW we can get to the dancing ….

Chynna / Tony:

This couple did a Tango to the theme from Mission Impossible, which proved to be a mission impossible when Chynna went blank toward the beginning of the routine and completely forgot the dance. (See what I did there? I made a pun using the title of the movie to help describe the situation that was happening. That is called “lazy comedy.” It’s also not funny. You’re welcome.) They got through the dance, but Chynna looked as if she was going to burst into tears the entire time, and like she was being dragged across the dance floor. During judges’ comments, Carrie Ann tried to make her feel better by reminding her this isn’t a “serious” show (would somebody please tell Len that?), followed up by Tom Bergeron adding, “Have you seen the prize?” Judges’ Scores were 7/7/7. Brooke Burke Charvey (which is French for “I don’t know how I got here”) tried to relate by telling Chynna “it happened to me.
referring to when she was a contestant on the show and got confused during a live routine. Although, she didn’t specify what she was referring to. It could have been the time she was brushing her teeth and became confused, or the time she was putting on her socks and forgot to finish due to bewilderment. The possibilities are endless, really. The point is; it happened to her. She also became confused. and look at where it got her today! She made a career out of it! Little known fact: Charvey is actually French for “pretty girl in pretty dress standing  in a Skybox with microphone in constant state of confusion.”

David / Kym:

This couple danced the Pasa Doble to the theme from Raiders of The Lost Ark. Arquette’s entrance was from a giant rope swing in true Indiana Jones fashion. His costume was also spot-on, although his tight, creepy face looked more like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Veins. Despite the fact that he looks like he is minutes away from having a stroke inside his eyeballs and forehead, the dance itself was quite good, perhaps his best to date. Bruno stood up and screamed: “Tight muscles and tight pants!!! I love how you crack your whip!” Grandpa Len, on the other hand, brought down the room once again with: “it was all temple of doom.” (See what he did there? Lazy comedy.) At this point, all three judges started arguing about temples and the tightness of David’s buttocks. Judges’ Scores: 8/7/8. Meanwhile, up in the Skybox, Brooke and David shared some dialogue that no human could possibly understand, for the only person on that show that makes LESS sense than Brooke is David Arquette. (Did you know that Arquette is actually French for Charvey? It’s true. No it’s not.)

Carson Muppet / Anna:

This couple did the Viennese Waltz to the song “Black Pearl” from Pirates of the Caribbean. In rehearsal, Carson made a hilarious epiphany when he realized that pirates were really just “men in tights who stole jewelry” and therefore he could relate. The costumes were cartoonish and ridiculous, and Kressley’s acting was unintentionally hilarious as he uttered “Land Ho! Arrgghhh!” into the camera. Even covered up in all the pirate costume gunk and fake beard, Carson still went into full open-mouthed Muppet mode, and looked like the happiest, giddiest, gayest pirate alive. Like most of his dances, it was so bad, it was actually good. Horny Carrie Anne yelped: “I am addicted to you!” Please have sex already, lady. You need to simmer down. Len must have been wearing another soiled Depends again, because his comment was beyond rude and overdramatic with: “It was like childbirth. Terrible while its happening and joy when it’s over.” Then he crapped his pants. Bruno put it best with: “It was bonkers! Who cares anyway?” Yes, the comment makes no sense, but it somehow perfectly illustrates and describes a typical night on DWTS. Judges’ Scores were 7/6/7, and Brooke asked the couple “How does that feel?” Then a stagehand ran out and replaced her battery-pack.

Tits McGee / Man Ass:

Okay, so first of all, apparently Nancy Grace FARTED on last week’s show, and I somehow missed it. So, in the spirit of mocking every single thing possible that I can get my hands on, let’s discuss this now. Several people sent me the clip of it on YouTube after the fact, so here it is for you guys. Seriously? What else can happen to this poor woman? First her tits are out there in all their glory, two giant mounds of flesh hanging out of every dress; then the next week she has a nip-slip that makes Janet Jackson look like Mother Theresa; and now a gigantic, unmistakable fart on national television. . .that is MICROPHONED by Brooke Burke Charvey? (Charvey is French for “catching the farts of Nancy Grace – Live!”) The funniest part of this video clip is watching her partner, Man Ass, trying really hard not to laugh after the fart. Right before they go to the judges scores, you can clearly see him about to giggle his Man Ass off. Now, after hearing this myself, I would almost dismiss it as a very loud stomach growl and not a fart. However, Tits McGee herself referred to the incident in this week’s results show during a backstage conversation between her and Man Ass that was actually very funny. Right before they went onstage to dance, Man Ass turned to her and said: “Remember. Nipples in. Don’t fart. Do well.” She repeated, while laughing: “Nipples in. Don’t fart. Do well. Got it.” So, the woman is a trainwreck of bizarre bodily accidents happening to her, but you gotta give her credit for having a sense of humor about the whole thing.

This week, the couple danced the Pasa Doble to the theme from Flash Gordon. I don’t know who makes these song choices, but this was certainly an odd one to choose for them. I was sort of hoping she would dance to the theme from a Lifetime Movie of the Week about Casey Anthony or Natalie Holloway. No such luck. Instead, we got another dull performance out of “Toot Mom” Tits McGee. (I didn’t come up with that. It’s been all over the press. I’m just reposting it. Lazy comedy.) Anyway, I’m starting to feel bad for this woman. She clearly really wants to be there, on the show. Her dancing, however, is pretty uninspired. It’s not awful, but there is no soul behind anything she does. It’s very wooden. If she could only dance like she screams and yells on her show, she would be genius. Carrie Ann said we should give her some credit because she’s old; Len retorted “it was okay, but I can’t get excited about it.” Of course you can’t. You haven’t gotten excited since 1943. Drink your juice Len. Bruno literally told Nancy to “Kick them in the balls!” Kick who in the balls? I seriously have no idea what he was talking about. Neither does he, but he says it in such an animated and confident way, that it rarely matters. Judges’ Scores: 7/7/7. Brooke wanted to know “How does that feel?” and Nancy felt the scores should have been higher and that Len is an asshole. (She didn’t say that, but you could feel it in her evil eyes. And her fart.)

Hope / Maks:

The couple did a foxtrot to the song “Friends” from Toy Story. It was very cute. They were dressed like the characters, cowboy/cowgirl outfits, braids, colorful attire. Very good dance. I have no idea why, but I can’t make myself care about Hope Solo. She is a perfectly nice person and an average dancer, but I just never care when she is dancing. It’s okay though. I am 100% sure that she doesn’t care about me either. Carrie Ann called the dance “refreshing.” Bruno muttered something about apples and trashcans. And then, host Tom Bergeron delivered the line of the night (actually, it was the WORD of the night, since he only said one word) with this gem:

Len: “Well, I didn’t love it. I get frustrated, and I’ll tell you why. . .”

Tom: “Age?”

I’m telling you, the man is a GENIUS! His one-word, perfectly timed response while Len was trying so hard to be all serious and make a point about something pompous, was beyond hilarious and had the audience and other two judges laughing themselves silly. Despite Bergeron’s hysterical joke, Len continued to berate the couple, accusing them of not working hard enough in rehearsals. Hope looked upset by this comment, and rightly so. Nobody wants to be lectured by Grandpa Fossil about their lack of commitment on a dance-show, that, only minutes earlier, Carrie Ann reminded us isn’t supposed to be “serious.” Len really needs to relax with a nice glass of Ensure and some reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show and call it a life already. Stop picking on everyone, ya grump! Judges Scores were 8/8/8, and when Brooke asked “How does it feel?” Hope said, through grinding teeth: “It feels great! And it came because of all our HARD WORK!” In other words, take THAT, Len!

Rob / Cheryl:

Pointless Kardshian and Cheryl did a Pasa Doble to the theme from the movie Superman. In rehearsals and into the camera, Rob said: “people think I’m just a loser brother whose never had a job before, but I want to be here. I want to be a dancer.” Huh? Since when do you want to be a dancer? Also, being a loser who has never had a real job before has nothing to do with the fact that you may or may not want to be a dancer. It is two entirely separate issues. You are on the show because you are a Kardashian. This is a family that is famous for doing NOTHING. You are part of that empire. You wouldn’t even be ON this show if it weren’t for that fact. So there’s that. Now, regarding your dancing. . .this performance was absolutely an improvement from your past ones on the show, but a dancer? Let’s back it up a notch, reality boy. It was good. But I don’t think Baryshnikov is shaking in his tights or anything. Carrie Ann actually said: “You are just the way a man should be, I love the way you move!” Then she ripped off her shirt and screamed: “Take me to bed, reality boy!!! I MUST have you!” Okay, she didn’t scream that, but she might as well have. Len said that Rob looked like a waiter serving appetizers, and Bruno stood atop the table and ordered Rob to believe in himself. Judges’ Scores were high at 8/8/8. Brooke pointed out “With those scores of 8/8/8, that’s three 8′s.” (Charvey is French for “No Shit!”)

Ricki / Derek:

The couple performed a Tango to the theme from the film Psycho. During rehearsal footage, Ricki Lake is starting to get very nervous at how difficult this particular dance is, and she talks about wanting to quit. Then she comes out and gives the dance of the night by miles! Her acting skills are top notch, as she always plays the character that each dance requires. Next to J.R., she is quickly becoming my favorite of the cast. The choreography in this dance, created by Derek Hough, was also excellent. It was highly advanced and complicated, due to the nature of the music itself, which is very difficult to dance to. Len finally said something positive, telling Ricki: “You always deliver!” Bruno and Carrie Ann both called the dance “immaculate” and “brilliant!” After receiving scores of 10/9/10, the very first TENS of the season, Brooke asked “How does that feel?” How the hell do you think it feels? Ricki and Derek were too busy jumping up and down and smiling to answer.

Chaz / Lacey:

Again, who picks these songs? This couple danced to the theme from the movie Rocky. I don’t know about you, but when I see Rocky, I immediately think: “transgendered, overweight plumber with bad knees, bad ankles, and severe ass-crack!” Apparently, Chaz Bono really connected with this character, as he told us in rehearsal footage. They are both underdogs, he said. Right. Except instead of Adrian, he has Cher. And instead of coach Paulie Pollino, he has …. Richard Simmons??? Yup. Richard Simmons stopped by to help Chaz train in a classic, pretty funny Rocky-style “workout montage” ending with Bono climbing a large set of stairs to the top of the mountain, just like in the film. The dance itself was quite an improvement for Bono. First of all, they finally got him out of those brown, awful pants and put him in some color, which helped greatly. Secondly, Chaz seemed to have a new sense of determination during this routine; as if he really wanted it to be good. Surprisingly, it was pretty good. As the camera panned on Cher in the audience after the dance was over, she appeared to have tears in her eyes. Of course, due to the level of botox surrounding her tear ducts and face, they never fully formed or escaped her pupils. But the moisture of tears was there. It just couldn’t get out. Len called it Chaz’s “best dance to date” and Judges’ scores were 7/7/7. Brooke asked “how does that feel?” AGAIN, and I’m pretty sure set a new record this week for number of times asking that question.

J.R. / Karina:

The couple danced a Foxtrot to the theme from The Pink Panther. J.R. came out in a pink tux with coattails, a top hat, and Inspector Clouseau-style mustache. As a huge fan of this film and the theme-song, this dance perfectly fit the spirit of the movie. Carrie Ann, who clearly doesn’t GET classic comedy at all, said that the dance “fell flat, and didn’t need the humor.” Didn’t need the humor? It’s a comedy, you dumb-ass! That’s the whole point! He is a clumsy Inspector, and J.R. played the role exactly right. Len disagreed with Carrie Ann and hailed it “the best male dancer of the night, tweaked with just the right humor!” Bruno said something about Carol Channing. Or lettuce. I couldn’t understand him. Judges’ Scores were 8/9/9. Brooke accidentally knocked herself unconscious with her microphone and was found lying in the Skybox. Tom asked her: “How does that feel?”

RESULTS SHOW:

Grammy Award winner somebody something or other performed some sort of hit song to open the show. Lots of dancing ensued. Crazy amounts of dancing. Pro-dancers. The DWTS Dance Troupe! And hey – there’s that wacky mini Tim Allen again at the bottom of the TV, causing all kinds of ruckus! A performance from Susan Boyle of “Unchained Melody” that made me want to end my life, it was so slow and depressing. Long, drawn-out results and endless clips of contestants dance routines and backstage antics. Brooke Burke Charvey (French for “What year is it?”) twisted the knife into Chynna’s back  with this: “You froze, which is everyone’s nightmare. Will you ever get over it, or will it haunt you for the rest of the season?” Jesus, Lady! The woman forgot a few steps on a silly-ass dance program; let’s not act as if she has ruined her very life. I’m guessing she will get over this, and somehow be able to function with everyday people in society.

One of the highlights of the results show was the return of pro-dancer and two-time Mirror Ball Trophy Winner Julianne Hough, who came back to dance a fantastic, energetic version of “Shake a Tail Feather” with her brother, Derek Hough, which was quite awesome. I love this woman! She was probably my all-time favorite of the pro-dancers on the show, and I was upset when she left, because I love watching her dance. Seeing her dance with her brother in this incredibly fun duet was a blast, and seeing her obvious love for Bergeron, the cast, and the show as a whole was a bit heartwarming as well. Hough fought back tears as she told Bergeron: “I’m so emotional right now. This is my home. You guys are my family.”

The real reason for Hough’s return was, of course, to promote the new (old) film Footloose, in which she is starring alongside a cast including Denis Quaid and Andie McDowell. The cast performed to a weird, new version of the song “Holding Out For a Hero” from the film, as well as a live performance by Blake Shelton. Since I was never really a huge fan of the original Footloose, I don’t have too much to say about the new one. . .yet. It seems silly as all hell to be re-doing this movie, which really should just be left alone in all its classic, 1984 cheesy, Kevin Bacon glory. On the other hand, I am a supporter of anything where I get to watch Julianne dance, so I just may sit through it. We’ll see.

Finally. . .after what seemed like hours and days of dancing and clips. . .the bottom two couples were revealed. Cheryl and Rob / Chynna and Tony.

Chynna and Tony went home. It’s a shame really. She was a good dancer. But she screwed it all up and RUINED HER LIFE!!!!!! (According to Charvey, which is French for “You forgot the steps and now your life is over!”) I only hope that poor Chynna can hold on, for one more day, if you hold on, for one more day, things will go your way. . .Or you’ll be sent home. Whatever.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR 80′s Night!!! If there is a God, Nancy Grace will dance to Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy,” and her pants will split open on the catwalk. . .on the catwalk. . .I do my little farts on the catwalk. . .

Season 13, Episode 6 and 7 (originally aired October 10 and 11, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c; Results on Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor