Dancing With the Stars Review: When All Else Fails, Break out the TearJerker Episode

So, what do you do when you’ve got a prosecutor/TV show host who keeps taking her boobs out, a former female child of Cher turned male plumber with severe ass-crack, and a flamboyant fashion Queen who dances like an open-mouthed surprised Muppet with no rhythm? Well, if you are Dancing With the Stars, you cut the controversy with a little bit of emotion, of course. Enter the tearjerker episode. This is the episode where the audience really gets to know all the contestants on a whole new level, sees the hardships in their lives, and falls in love. At least, that is what this master class in manipulation reality show is hoping. Every season, there is at least one of these types of episodes where the show turns down the cheese-fest level a tad, dims the lights, and puts the focus off of Nancy Grace’s nipples and onto more important things, like her vag. Just seeing if you’re paying attention. . .

This week, Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke “Charvey”  (yup – still sounds pompous) informed us that each couple would be “dancing from their heart”: choosing a song that told the story of the most memorable year in their life. Their dances would reflect and recall the feelings that they felt while living through that unforgettable time. At least that’s what it said on the cue card. Awww. It’s enough to make you puke, isn’t it? With all of these “stars” sharing such heartfelt and genuine stories from their lives, it was incredibly difficult to find ways for me to mock them. But I did anyway. I’m a hero like that, so I gave it my best shot, but there wasn’t nearly as much “funny” in this episode as there usually is, so I must warn you ahead of time that real emotions may emerge. Even old man judge Len Goodman, who entered a new level of cranky in last week’s show, appeared this week smiling and filled with positivity. My guess is that he finally experienced a decent bowel movement, and now feels free. Let us get right to the action before Len falls asleep in his oatmeal. . .

Rob / Cheryl:

Pull at Your Heartstrings Story: Pointless Rob Kardashian lost his dad to cancer in 2003, and it taught him “that, like, anything can happen.” Wow, that’s deep. He’s right though. Anything CAN happen; like this douchey zilch being on national TV for no reason. Anyway, him and his dad were best buddies, and so he chose to dance to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon” which was dad’s favorite song. The couple danced a foxtrot, and it was definitely better than normal, and perhaps even quite good. He still looks like a loaf of bread out there though, with his shapeless and uninteresting body type. Kim’s eyelashes twinkled and mom Kardashian’s botoxed skin definitely twitched from the audience, which led me to believe they were expressing some sort of human emotion. Len Goodman retorted: “You just put the dash into Kardashian!” (lame), and Bruno stood up and screamed something about the dance reminding him of the show “Guys and Dolls,” to which dumb as toast Rob replied: “Huh? What’s Guys and Dolls?” What’s Guys and Dolls??? LORD HELP US ALL!  Horny Carrie Ann sizzled: “I like watching you!” Oh, I bet you do, Carrie! I bet you do. Brooke Burke, from her skybox of shame, asked the couple: “How did that feel?” after they got their scores of 8/8/8. They seemed to ignore her and just look forward.

Chynna / Tony:

Shed a Tear Story: In 1990, Chynna wrote the Wilson Phillips hit “Hold On”, which was based on her struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. The message of the song, and their dance, was that there is always another, better choice. Their Rumba had beautiful angles, and flowed quite nicely. A quick shot of the other Wilson Phillips members made them look like they were being held hostage in a darkened cubicle. Horny Carrie Ann said “you were stunning. It was like butter!”, while Len called them “Fantastic!” Then he coughed into a napkin. Judges Scores were 8/9/9. From high inside the skybox, Burke failed with: “Obviously, you’re thrilled … uh, er …uh…. what do you think?” She followed up that gem with this gem: “If you want them to HOLD ON for one more week, then vote!” HA!!! Get it? Hold on? Oh Brooke. . .

Chaz / Lacey:

Vague Story So The Children Won’t Wanna Become The Other Sex: 2011 was a very memorable year for Chaz Bono; he says he is “happier than I’ve ever been.” Oh really? Why is that Chaz? Did you perhaps get something new this year in your life that you didn’t have before? Or get rid of something that you had before? Did you decide to finally realize your dream of becoming an overweight, doughey blue-collar looking plumber dude with ass-crack? I am only asking because DWTS kept your heart-tugging tale SO vague with absolutely no mention of the gender transformation at ALL; that one might wonder what the heck you are so damn happy about. It’s a good thing that ABC didn’t allow you to speak of your life-changing alteration because we must hide this information from little Johny and Billy watching at home. But who are we really kidding? Any little Johnny or Billy watching DWTS is probably already well on his way to an alternative lifestyle anyway, so it’s highly doubtful that Chaz could really do any additional harm there. In any case, Chaz and Lacey danced to “Laugh At Me,” written by Sonny Bono. The song and their dance was Chaz saying: “If you have a problem with me, then that’s your problem, not mine.” Lacey’s costume accentuated her large ba-donk-a-donk by placing what looked like a gigantic doily right on it, while Chaz got stuck in another pair of ugly brown pants that made him look like a UPS man. During this dance, he barely moved. During the rest of it, he pretty much walked in slow motion. For some reason, Len called this his “best dance yet” (clearly someone spiked his prune juice), while Bruno stood atop his chair and yelled some jibber-jabber that made no sense, something about the beach and sand. Judges Scores were 6/6/6, and Brooke asked how that felt.

Kristin / Mark:

Sappy-ass Story to Make You Maybe Care About this Woman: This chick is so lame, that the only thing she could come up with as the most memorable time in her life was the year she graduated high school and moved to Los Angelos to pursue a career in “entertainment.” That’s your life-altering story? Really? Then, for reasons not known to anyone, she chose to tell this riveting tale by dancing to Beyonce’s “Crazy Love.” What this song has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me, but whatever. Shake your booty, girl! This woman annoys me. She can absolutely move on the dance floor, but she just has no soul or point while doing it. Len claimed that Beyonce is not his “cup of tea.” Bruno called her a “fast moving Devil Woman.” What the hell does that even mean??? Horny Carrie Ann muttered something about Kristin’s sexiness while wiping sweat from her turned-on brow. Scores: 8/8/8. Personality and Purpose in Life: 0/0/0

Carson Muppet / Anna:

Make Me Weep Tale: The year was 2003, and Carson’s show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was a huge new hit, and Emmy nominated. For a guy who was always the nerdy social outcast growing up, this was finally Carson’s time to really be himself, and for the first time in his life, be proud of who he was. He was a gay man, and he was comfortable in his own self. The show let Carson go into all kinds of detail about being gay, but they sped through Chaz’s transformation story with lightning quick speed, and with no mention of what actually transpired. The lesson? The Middle America who watches DWTS MIGHT be ready to hear about a flamboyant gay man who is comfortable with himself, but they are definitely NOT ready to hear about a little girl named Chastity who always dreamed of being an overweight plumber in brown pants. Anna and Muppet Mouth did a fantabulous fashion-themed Tango to No Doubt’s “It’s My Life.” Although Carson Muppet held his hilarious mouth agape pose throughout half the dance, and made a series of crazy and wacky faces the other half, the dance was quite unique and charming. Len Goodman quipped: “You put the boy in flamboyant!” Then he spread Vaseline on his dried out, cracked, old man lips. Scores: 8/7/8.

J.R. / Karina:

Hands-Down Story of the Night: The most memorable year for JR Martinez was the year that he was injured in Iraq while driving a Humvee whose tire went over a landmine. Severely burned all over his face and body, JR became depressed, and, at one point, wondered if he was perhaps better off dead than alive. After his mother told him that one day, the person who he will be with will love him for who he is, not what he looks like, he made the decision to fight and to live. JR danced a beautiful Rumba to Tim McGraw’s “If You’re Reading This,” in tribute to all the soldiers who never made it home. The dance was incredibly moving. Seriously, if you watch this guy and don’t at least tear up a bit, I am sorry to inform you that you are made of stone. The Mirror Ball Trophy awaits him! The audience was in tears and gave him a standing ovation, and all the judges were clearly moved. Well, Len was moved by a sudden hemorrhoid, but still. Scores: 9/8/9. Brooke Burke started to show some emotion toward JR, but then quickly became distracted by a shiny object and lost her focus.

Tits McGee / Man Ass:

Tale of Woe to Distract Viewers from her Nip-Slips: This week Nancy Grace attempted to cover up the big, bad girls a bit, and instead put the focus where it belongs. . .on her vagina. Yes, we got to hear the story of her childbirth to her twin son and daughter. Apparently, ole Tits McGee didn’t have such an easy time delivering the precious bundles, and there were complications that put both mother and child’s life in danger. Nancy recalled that when the drama was over, the first song she sang to them was “MoonRiver.” Why the hell would you sing THAT to your newborn kids? Who are you, my great great grandmother? Could you choose an older, more depressing song to sing to your brand new children on their first day of life? Anyway, McGee was able to restrain her boobies from coming out to play this week, as she somehow kept them stuffed neatly into her ice blue Disney-like dress. Considering all her other dances revolved around bouncing breasts and nip shots, this one was highly disappointing. The judges seemed to like it though, with their scores of 7/7/7.

Ricki / Derek:

Sob Story: 2010 was a tough, and then hopeful, year for Ricki Lake. She went through a bad divorce, then her house burned down and she ran out with her children and nothing else. Later that year, she met her now husband, Christian, who was the first man Ricki could fully let go with and allow him to truly love her. I have to say her Rumba was very pretty, with great raw emotion, tenderness, and beauty. Bruno said it was “the actress and dancer at her best,” while Horny Carrie Ann called her “breathtaking and sensual.” For the Love of God woman – hire a male escort and get that thing taken care of already! Scores: 9/9/9.

Hope / Maks:

Sports Story: Getting to the World Cup Finals, and then not winning, was both exhilarating and heartbreaking for Hope and her soccer team. To come that close and then not have your dream realized hurts. And really, what better way to show that kind of pain and disappointment than with a Cha-cha to the song “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias, which is about being with a woman sexually. WHAT??? Exactly. Also, it’s a good idea to wear a very sexy costume and grind all over your partner Maksim during your sultry dance. This shows your love for winning and soccer. The dance was excellent, but I have not a clue what the hell any of that sexfest had to do with sports and being part of a team. Hope said that she chose it because it is their team’s song. Why is THAT your teams theme song? It makes no sense. What’s your team mascot, The Playboy Bunny? I’m so confused. So is Brooke. Scores: 8/8/8.

David / Kym:

Sad Actor Story: Last year, David’s marriage fell apart, and he used drugs and alcohol as a form of escape from everything. Recently, he became sober, and wanted to dedicate the song “Ooh Child” to his daughter. So he appeared practically shirtless with his veiny forehead and clay-colored attire and creepy 70′s mustache and danced his little heart out. Although David appeared much more focused this week and much less frazzled, he still looks to me like his entire face and skin is made of Saran Wrap. The dance was quite good this week though, and Len said he was “proud” of David. Back in the skybox while being interviewed by Burke, Arquette sounded like he had marbles in his mouth and was speaking underwater. What the hell was he saying? Couldn’t understand a word. He is bizarre on many levels. Brooke asked “How happy are you?” and Dave responded with something that sounded like: “grehtyogiobblyyy gook magphoninopeim bahhhaaaxcprm”. Brooke seemed unfazed by this nonsense, simply throwing it back to Bergeron with her one word: “Tom?”

RESULTS SHOW:

Mary J. Blige opened the show with something I didn’t care about. People I have never seen before danced, and then Blige sang some more while I made a sandwich.

More dancing. Dancing, dancing, dancing. Followed by dancing. Clips from last night’s show. Dancing. Montages that attempted to be funny. Timewasters. More dancers dancing to Movie Scores. Random performance of “The Twist” with special guest Chubby Checker in the tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen in my life, along with Len Goodman impressively moving his old hips to music for a few seconds on the dance floor. This was followed up by more Mary J. Blige, and then more filler.

The couple that received the least amount of votes and went home was ….

Kristin and Mark. She was a very good dancer, and its a shame that The Hills fans didn’t vote for her, as a lot of remaining on this show has more to do with your backstory and how interesting you are to viewers and less to do with dancing. Len was visibly upset that she went home. I was visibly upset that I ate my last piece of birthday cake and there is now no more left. Hey. Life sucks sometimes. Then you die.

NEXT WEEK: Rob Kardashian reveals his secret for remaining so utterly pointless, boring, and completely irrelevant. DON’T MISS IT!

Season 13, Episode 4 and 5 (originally aired October 3 and 4, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c; Results on Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor