The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Let Bygones be Bygones?

There is light at the end of the Jersey tunnel, folks. The season finale of RHONJ is just one week away. While we are gearing up for closure on the third season of Jersey housewives, let’s take a look at what kind of crazy they had in store for us this week, keeping in mind that any resemblance of harmony is currently being destroyed as reports surface that Jacqueline is leaving the show and Teresa masterminded a plot to divulge Melissa’s apparent mastery of the pole. I know, I just put “Teresa” and masterminded” in the same sentence… weird.

We pick back up in Punta Cana, where Teresa, “the Prickly,” and Cousin “I am just a tad passive aggressive” Kathy duke it out over who is a better mom. Luckily for everyone, Juicy Joe shuts it all down and everyone takes five. The Prickly resolves that the best way to find some inner peace is to…yep, you guessed it: To change swimsuits (Duh, why have I never thought of that?).   Tre also gets a ‘lil pep talk from Juicy. I think the point of the talk was to let Teresa know she needs to relax and not take what everyone says so seriously.

“Tre, listen to me – I never gave a sh*t in my life about what anybody said I had to do. I just did it. When I bought our house, what did they say? Don’t buy that house. What did I tell ‘em? BING! [Insert forward arm pump here] And I bought it anyway.”

Umm Juicy, aren’t you in Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Perhaps instead of telling folks “BING!” you should have listened to what people were telling you because, you had no cash to BING! with.  And who in the hell uses “BING!” anyway? Are you Andrew Dice Clay? Despite Juicy’s awful example, his advice is sound: Chill.

Next up, the whole gang sans the Wakiles, heads to the bar to make nice and booze it up. Because that’s exactly what an explosive group of adults needs. Alcohol. Yep, and despite the serene scene Bravo showed us viewers, there are reports, a big brawl broke out between Juicy, the Manzos, and other patrons. Any mention of this BRAVO? Not a word. But we did get to witness first hand some growna$s men comparing whose Tarzan is bigger. In public. At a bar. In front of a national TV audience. Awesome.

What dysfunctional vacation would be complete without some golf and shopping? Golfing was painful because pretty much everyone except Albert is awful. A bunch of men who’ve OD’d on testosterone trying to play golf is like watching bulls in a china shop. Turning now to the ladies – shopping didn’t turn out to be exactly what most of them had in mind. Teresa takes them all to a market in order to “research” for her next cookbook. Research includes asking venders if they have spices like salt, asking if people have read her book, holding up raw chicken, and posing with animal hooves/legs. How does this help Teresa with her Italian/Latin fusion book, you ask? I have no clue, but invite anyone who can to enlighten me to have at it in the comments section below.

Back in Franklin Lakes, Albie, Christoper and Greg gear up for the launch party for BLK water (it’s black, that’s the schtick). Melissa is debuting “On Display” at the party and swing by to check out the venue. She delivers the news that Joe would like to bring real life tigers from the Bronx Zoo to her performance. Albie sums it up perfectly – if Siegfried and Roy had issues, why does Joe think it will work out for him?

On the night of the big party, Melissa brings her A Game and “sings” (thanks to playback) her big hit. For a newbie, I have to commend Melissa for showing the chutzpah to follow her dream of “singing” (thanks to playback).

After the performance, Juicy steps up and toasts Melissa’s singing and dancing skills. Finally, the Gorga’s and Guidices acting like grown-ups. How long have we been waiting for this? Way too long. And how long will it last? Peace in the Middle East is guaranteed to last longer, because the teaser for next week’s episode indicates the truce is off and the gloves are back on. Sigh.

Season 3, Episode 18: Blood Is Thicker Than Guccis (originally aired October 2, 2011)

Image courtesy of Bravo TV.