Dancing With the Stars Review: J.R. is Literally 2x PERFECT, as Nancy Falls from Grace . . .
It’s the week before the semi-finals Week on DWTS, and that can mean only one thing: Instant Dance!!! What on earth is that, you didn’t ask? Well, as Tom Bergeron said: “I will tell you THIS INSTANT!” Bergeron also asked the question: “Will our couples be an instant success, or an instant flop?” I get it. Apparently on instant dance week, we have to use the word “instant” as many times as humanly possible in one hour. Anyone else instantly annoyed?
But I digress. This week was the first week in the competition that the contestants had not one, but two, full dance routines. Both routines would be scored by the judges. Round One featured the regular individual dances, while Round Two was the “Instant Dance.” Notice how I still haven’t told you what the instant dance is. I’ll get to that. In an instant . . .
“Instant Dance” is a routine that is practiced all week long, just as their normal dances are, except the couples do not know what music they will be given until about half hour before they perform the routine live, at which time they go backstage to a small rehearsal area with their new music and have about 20 minutes or so to rehearse the song with the music. So really, it should be called “20 minutes to Rehearse Dance!” because technically it’s not instant. But who cares. Once again, I digress. I certainly do digress a lot. Must be all the instant coffee I drank.
Pointless Rob Kardashian / Cheryl:
For some reason, when I saw Rob this week, I thought of putting a spin on that classic line from The Peanuts about Charlie Brown and applying it to Rob. “Of all the Kardashians in the world, you’re the Kardashian-est!” I don’t even know what the hell that means exactly, but I do know that Bergeron’s statement about Rob “having the best week of all the Kardashians!” is certainly true, and sad. When the guy doing a Quickstep in a pink cummerbund for a crappy Mirror Ball Trophy has the BEST week of all the other “celebs” in your family, you might be a trainwreck. Pointless Rob and Cheryl danced to the 80′s song “Take On Me,” and did a wonderful job. A quick pan to Pointless Mom Kardashian revealed nothing as her face is stuck on vague. Another pan to her husband Chris Jenner, who sat directly BEHIND his attention-seeking wife, revealed that it might be time for another layer of Saran Wrap around your plastic-y, no-expression, one-dimensional face. The ever annoying Khloe screamed out from the audience once again, as if she lives in a barn (or in a Kardashian bubble). Len called the dance Rob’s “best so far.” Bruno admitted that he looked at Rob’s “bum” the whole time, and Brooke wondered how did it feel to have Bruno staring at your bum. Scores were 9/9/9, and Rob and Cheryl picked (at random out of a Mirror Ball Trophy Bowl) the song “Maneater” by Hall and Oates for their Instant Dance.
Instant Dance: Overall, they did a great job for only having so little time to rehearse. The dance began with Rob’s BUM being the star, and Horny Carrie Ann was sweating and fanning herself as she said: “I’m still recovering from the booty shaking in my face!” Gross. I’m still recovering from hearing you say that, Carrie Ann. Try to keep it in your panties. Instant nausea. Scores on this were: 8/8/8.
Hope Snooze / Ike Turner:
During rehearsal footage, Maks apologized to boring Hope for going all Ike Turner on her last week. Or, as he put it, “being too rough.” You think? When you are physically pushing your partner’s head down and moving her body to where you want it to go in a forceful manner – I think we have moved into the anger management zone. This week, the couple resolved to start over together and try to have fun. (i.e. Maks will try not to go all Chris Brown on Hope’s ass and actually speak to her like the boring human being she is.) This new attitude seemed to work, as their Quickstep came across as very light, fun, and mostly on point (except for an opening “bit” involving matching yellow umbrellas, in which their timing was extremely off). Bruno declared that it was “a night of miracles! Your best dance yet!” Horny Carrie Ann forced Hope to hug her tightly, and Maks repeatedly punched the inside of his own thigh, so as to help curb his urge to beat the crap out of everyone else in the room. Len looked off into space, and then passed gas.
Ricki / Derek:
The couple’s Waltz to the song “Natural Woman” was beautiful, elegant, and flowing. Lake glided across the dance floor, and played the character in the dance very well. Carrie Ann commented on her “shaping.” Really? Again with the shaping? Enough with the shaping comments. Len said the dance was “like a river – beautifully executed.” Bruno mentioned something about soft, floating, and fresh pineapple. Nobody understood him, as usual. Their scores were 9/9/10. The music they chose at random for the Instant Dance was Wilson Pickett’s “Land of 1000 Dances.” Brooke Burke Charvey (which means “instant” in French) asked the couple 3 different questions, and then rushed them away in a huff due to lack of time. I think she actually said to them: “Okay okay, time’s a wastin’!” Time’s a wastin? Who says that?
Instant Dance: Although they had excellent energy in this dance, it did not have the same flow as the first one, and Ricki felt she let the judges and fans down. Their scores were 8/8/8, but the way she was talking, you would think they had received all zeroes.
J.R. / Karina:
Like I said weeks ago, give this man that Mirror Ball Trophy already! He is perfection on every level, and I love him. In rehearsal footage, J.R. predicted his own fate by telling Karina that he wants to be the first contestant of the season to receive three perfect 10′s, or a perfect score of 30; a feat no one had yet reached this season on the show. Then, he went out on the dance floor and prooved to everyone why he deserves that perfect score. Their Waltz to the song “What the World Needs Now Is Love” was absolutely gorgeous; like one body moving as one. J.R. led Karina with his body, his mind, and his excellent movement. It honestly looked as if he was using his fingertips and arms to paint a picture with Karina. She was his paintbrush. I know . . . deep, huh? Bruno called it a “musical valentine card,” while Len said: “like the true soldier you are, you came back with guns blazing!” The many soldiers in uniform that were in the crowd agreed, as they clapped and chanted: “10! 10! 10!” Seconds later, the judges’ scores were revealed as just that: 10/10/10, and J.R. got the very first perfect score of the season. His excitement was contagious; he jumped up and down, and then made a mock-Oscar type speech into Brooke’s microphone: “I’d like to thank my mom, God, and Justin Bieber! Never say never Justin!” Brooke laughed nervously, and then rushed the couple to please choose their song for the next round. Their song was Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti.”
Instant Dance: If you thought that it couldn’t get any better than getting the very first perfect score of the season, think again! How about getting a perfect score of 30 – TWICE! That is exactyl what J.R. and Karina did with their explosive, energectic, playful dance. J.R. played the role seamlessly, as he danced his rubber legs around the dance floor, smiling and having a ball. (A Mirror Ball . . . hopefully) The audience and judges agreed. Bruno stood up and started singing “Fame” for no reason, while Carrie Ann nailed it with “Nobody is coming close to you guys tonight!” Then Grandpa Len randomly plugged The X Factor, when he told J.R. that he possessed it. Wrong show, old man. Eat your prunes. Scores: a triumphant 10/10/10.
Tits McGee / Man Ass:
The couple did a Tango, and Man Ass Leprechaun was sooo close to dropping Grace during one final dip, but sadly, she did not fall to the dance floor, AND her nipples remained safely put away and in tact. What a bore. The dance itself was energetic and pretty well done. Bruno called Nancy a “brazen jezebel,” which frightened me. Then he waved his arms all over the place and practically hit Len in the face. Meanwhile, Carrie Ann secretly and silently wished that Nancy would have another NippleGrace episode so she could get her rocks off. No such luck. Backstage, Brooke used her brain to add up the scores for them on air: “8/8/8, that’s 24 out of 30, how does that feel?” Meanwhile, their song for the next round turned out to be “Upside Down” by Paloma Faith. Yeah. I’ve never heard of it either.
Instant Dance: Not the best they have ever done, but not the worst either. Len told Grace: “You’re like Cinderella, and you came to the ball for 8 weeks. But now it’s midnight, and it’s time to go home.” Ouch! Bergeron sarcastically replied with: “Don’t hold back Len. Tell us how you really feel.” Backstage, Brooke referred to Len as “Grumpy Old Len” which I have been saying for WEEKS now. Get your own material, Charvey! Stop stealing mine! (by the way, Charvey is French for “steals jokes from unknown, struggling comics) Bergeron has read my reviews, so it’s not a stretch that Brooke might be reading them too. At least, I like to fantasize that is the case.
After a random opening number of “I Am Woman” featuring the DWTS Dance Troupe, things kicked off with some clips of contestants backstage antics, followed by a pretty hilarious annual segment called DanceCenter, a spoof of the ESPN show SportsCenter. It features Len Goodman, former DWTS Winner Jerry Rice, and sports journalist Kenny Mayne. Taking on the format of the original show, they analyze each dancing contestant, with Mayne delivering his comments very dryly and with a hint of sarcasm. My favorite lines were those about Rob Kardashian, including: “Occupation? Brother of sister Kim,” and “Rob has lasted on the show longer than his sister Kim’s marriage.” I also enjoyed the trio constantly referring to Tristan Manass as a “leprechaun,” and showing the end credits of last week’s show, demonstrating that it really IS Mak’s show. “Producer: Maks Chmerkovskiy. Makeup: Maks Chmerkovskiy. Key Grip: Maks Chmerkovskiy . . .” Hilarious. However, these men of DanceCenter are no better than that sneaky Charvey, as they also stole my joke!!! In their bit about Hope and Maks, they referred to Hope as “Hans Solo.” I CALLED HER THAT IN MY WEEK ONE REVIEW! I think it’s time you people over at ABC and DWTS hired me to help write your comedy bits, or at least throw me a few bucks when you take mine. I could use it. Get on that for me, TommyB, would ya?
Let’s see. What else happened in the results show? Well, there was a performance by Andrea Bocelli. There was another performance by Flo Rida. And then finally . . . there was a fall from grace (get it?), as Nancy Grace and her tits were sent packing. This is no fun. All the best people to make fun of are slowly leaving. First Chaz “Plumber” Bono, then Muppet Kressley, Creepy, Veiny David Arquette, and now Tits McGee? What the hell am I supposed to do now? Make fun of Hope some more? We all know how boring THAT will be! This simply isn’t fair. What is someone like me to do? Write serious reviews where I mock no one? HA!!!! That will never happen.
Thank you, Nancy, for providing us with such wonderful entertainment. Oh, and the dancing wasn’t so bad either.
Bye bye Nancy Grace. May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, and may your nipples continue to make random cameo appearances.
Stay tuned next week as Rob Kardashian performs a cha-cha that lasts longer than his sister’s marriage! Ayooooooohhhhh!!!!
Season 13, Episode 14 and 15 (originally aired November 7 and 8, 2011)
For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.
Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c; Results on Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.
Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor