Dancing With the Stars Review: Tom BOO-geron and Crew Celebrate Halloween With Dance!

It’s Halloween Night at the Glitterdome, and Dancing With the Stars doesn’t disappoint in its level of boo-tastic, ridiculous cheesiness. The show opens with our host introducing himself as Tom BOO-geron (get it?), and the set behind him and the lovely Brooke Burke Charvey (which is French for “Boo”-vey) was decked out in spiderwebs, witches, and creepy-crawlers delight. To celebrate Fright Night, each couple would dance either the Paso Doble or the Tango to a scary song, followed by “Team Dances” where the couples are broken into two teams that dance together to compete with the other. Let’s get started with the creepfest . . .

David / Kym:

This couple performed a Cha-cha to the song “Abracadabra.” First of all, David Arquette in NO costume would have been creepy enough on its own, with his veiny head and face and thin, lanky arms. And what on earth is this guy SAYING? Everytime he talks, I can’t understand one word that comes out of his mouth. Sometimes the sentences start off okay, but then somewhere in the middle it turns into random giggling fits and mesh-mouthed garbled non-words. The dance was quite good and entertaining, although his moustache was a bit pedophile-ish. Grumpy Len enjoyed the dance, while Bruno said David was a natural at turning tricks, then called Carrie Ann a “naughty little pussy (cat).” Horny Carrie Ann giggled with glee at the thought of a man paying attention to her, even if he is gay. Judges’ scores were 8/8/8, and backstage, Brooke asked: “whose idea was this character?” David replied with: “blaghentyoooubnghhh gyuurthyo7mmmm HAHAHAHAA!!!! sssswfhghtyocbnzsspp momopants pancakeface turbin losenge zzzzzzz HAHA!!!” Seriously, I have NO IDEA what he said. Brooke dived right into her next question with: “How do you guys feel?” to which David made a strange noise and then exited the skybox.

JR / Karina:

The couple danced a Tango to the song “Ghostbusters.” I really hate this song. Always have. It sucks. Plus, it is almost impossible to do a tango to the melody and beat of this song. They just simply do not go together. That being said, they did the absolute best that they could with it, although they lost their timing and footing a couple of times along the way. Not their best performance, but also not their fault. Still got good scores of 9/8/8. Brooke’s favorite new thing to continously say is: “No one wants to rely on scores alone, so vote!” I think I counted her saying this at least 6 times in one episode. Yes, Brooke, we get it. We should vote. Because noone wants to rely on scores alone. Do you hear me? NO ONE!!!

Tits McGee / Man Ass:

This couple performed The Jive to the song “Devil Went Down to Georgia.” The music was extremely fast, and Nancy Grace was extremely . . . well . . . slow. She just couldn’t quite keep up with those quick-paced country violins. She gave it a good go, but her devil ears flew off onto the dance floor (I guess it’s better than her tits flying out), and her energy zapped about halfway through the routine. I’m still waiting for the big “I hate Casey Anthony” number that would make her shine beyond belief. Old Man Len called the dance a “disappointment” then he sipped his oatmeal and farted into his adult diaper. Backstage, Brooke gave the couple a classic compliment / insult with this weird comment: “Nancy, you are in your 50′s, and your body is holding up better than the rest of this cast.” Excuse me? Is it? So the rest of the cast is WORSE than Nancy Grace? Really? I think not. You could just feel every cast member in the background silently seething after that bizarre comment. After the scores of 7/7/7, Brooke asked “How does that feel?” then reminded everyone that no one can survive on judges scores alone. They would starve.

Rob / Cheryl:

Pointless Kardashian and Cheryl did a Tango to the theme from The Addams Family. Although some of the other botoxed Kardashians showed up in the crowd to cheer on their pointless brother, pointless Kim was missing due to the “tragedy” she suffered this week. Oh you didn’t hear? Her 15 second “marriage” ended, leaving her a ba-zillionaire with an empire of gold and money. Also, apparently getting a divorce from a fake TV wedding-marriage five seconds after you get married warrants being  called “brave” and “courageous.” So Kim was not in the audience to support Rob because she was too busy being brave after her heroic divorce. This is the part where you are supposed to cry. OH, THE SHEER TRAGEDY OF IT ALL! If Kim and ole’ whats-his-name can’t make it in this mixed up, wacky world, then what chance do the rest of us have, really? None, I tell you. None. As for the dance, aside from Rob’s creepy Hitler-like moustache, it was pretty excellent. What can I say? The man has greatly improved. Len called it “terrific,” Carrie Ann hailed it his best dance so far, and Bruno muttered something about how Rob has “never been so manly and in control.” I’m pretty sure he was jerking off underneath that panel desk. Scores were 9/8/8, and Brooke wants you to know that no one can survive on scores alone. Please vote. Oh, and how does it feel to have such a brave and courageous sister? She didn’t ask that, but that would have been funny.

Ricki / Derek:

No surprise here; this couple’s Pasa Doble to “Beautiful Nightmare” was by far the dance of the night. With a little-red-riding-hood theme, the dance was dramatic, intense, and filled with complex movement. Bruno yelled something about a “blizzard of passion and fear” (no one knows what the hell he said,except maybe David Arquette, who speaks “WTF?”). Horny Carrie Ann commented on the shapes that Ricki made with her body. Brooke asked the couple how they feel, as creepy David Arquette appeared out of nowhere and started dancing with a skeletion in the background cracking himself up.

Hope / Maks:

After last week’s tension between Maks and . . . well . . . everybody . . .  this week, he appeared to at least TRY to keep his mouth shut a bit more during judges’ comments. As for the judges, they seemed to react to last week’s chaos by kissing this couple’s ass a bit too much. The couple’s Samba to “Warewolves of London” was very good, but probably didn’t deserve the high praise of “You should be so proud!” etc., that they all gave to Hope this week. As for Maks, when asked by Brooke how he feels about the scores 8/8/8, his one word answer of a sarcastic ”Great!” pretty much said it all. He seemed to be silently whining about this week. Like “It’s MY show, and I’ll pout if I want to!” Right, Maks?

TEAM DANCE ROUND:

Team Tango: This team consisted of Jr/Karina, David/Kym, and Nancy/Tristan. The couples all danced together in a creepy Halloween-themed song that involved the men in straightjackets and the women in some bizarre white dress getup. Honestly, I didn’t really get what the hell was going on in this dance. Arquette looked like a serial killer with the faces he was making; I know that. During the together portions of the dance, it went fairly solid. It fell apart during the solo couple portion, however. Len called the dance a “disaster” then he belched up his Cream of Wheat. Each team received one total score for the group dance, which was then added to their individual score, and then divided by 14,000, subtract 7, and eat a sandwich while multiplying by pi. An other words, everyone knows these “scores” are pretty much meaningless, and that you have to VOTE if you want your couple to stay in the pointless competition to win the pointless Mirror Ball Trophy. No couple wants to rely on scores alone. Remember that, folks.

Team Paso: This team was made up of Ricki/Derek, Cheryl/Rob, and Maks/Hope. During rehearsals, in the middle of trying to teach Hope her part in the couples’ solo portion, Maks got frustrated with her in front of the rest of the team; and randomly became all Ike Turner, moving her body forcefully and rudely the way he wanted it to go. As he left the room in a huff like an infant, the other dancers looked on horrified. Finally, Derek Hough took over and began showing Hope the rest of the dance until the infant was done with his little tantrum on HIS show. Despite this weirdness, this teams dance was CLEARLY miles above the other teams, and stood out immediately as in-sync, fun, and dramatic. The judges loved it so much, they asked to see an encore during the results show, and they scored it 9/8/9.

ELIMINATION SHOW:

The show opened with a performance by Justin Bieber (how on earth they roped him into coming on the show, I will never know), who randomly looked like a cross between a 40 yr. old man and k.d. lang. He is no longer that cute, little boy who sang “Baby, Baby, Baby . . . ” Now he has that “going through puberty, no longer cute anymore but in transition to ugly and awkward” look that brings along with it rumors of fathering a love child. Good times. After his song, he stared into the crowd for way too many seconds, and it became awkward.

The show continued to waste more time with an encore dance, more dancing, more singing, some beautiful dancing by a girl named Victoria Rose, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 14 and kept dancing anyway, then more Bieber, this time with Boyz 2 Men, singing his crappy Christmas song “FaLaLa”, which sounded nothing at all like a Christmas song.

After much more ado about nothing, the bottom two were announced as Nancy/Tristan, and David/Kym.

Surprisingly, David and Kym were voted off. This got a huge boo from the dancers and the audience, as it is obvious that Arquette is well-liked by everyone and went home a bit too soon. During his exit interview with Bergeron, he left on a high note with this hilarious quip: “I’ve had a great time here, this was amazing. But wait! There must be some mistake in me getting voted off …. cuz this is MY SHOW! Just kidding!” This got a huge laugh from the dancers, the crowd, and pretty much everyone (except Maks, who probably threw a hissy fit and then sent Hope “Ike Turner ‘forgive me’ flowers for his beahvior). Also, it was the first thing Arquette said that I could understand in weeks.

Stay tuned next week, as we watch Len Goodman grow closer to death.

Season 13, Episode 12 and 13 (originally aired October 31 and November 1, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c; Results on Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor