The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Welcome to Miami

First, we meet NeNe, Kandi, and Cynthia on a Miami vacation. Kandi looks like she doesn’t know where she is or how she got there, mentioning that this is one of the first times she’s fraternizing with NeNe. NeNe sets the scene by saying she really needed to escape “Haterville” Atlanta, to get away from the drama that plagues her there. Yes, because we all know that drama never follows her and that all of her interpersonal conflicts are a direct result of living in that mystical epicenter of hatred and jealousy. Kandi, doomed to her fate, tells the camera she’s a bit nervous to be hanging out with NeNe. “She has a history.” And a future, I’d say.

The three classy ladies chill on a bed in the hotel room after being escorted into the villa by a few white men in suits. They immediately begin discussing their recent sexual exploits (or lack thereof), loudly and openly. NeNe brashly accuses Kandi of “throwing [her] legs back!” for various men, and Kandi admits she hasn’t met anyone special. Cynthia announces her discomfort with being the old married woman in the room, as she will do several times more to remind us that she’s already snagged her man, so haters to the left. Kandi and NeNe can’t stop cackling and guffawing about the very concept of intercourse; they gesture and and weep and cover their mouths and lean back and suddenly notice an innocent pubescent bellhop in the corner of the boudoir. He blushes and collects his tip while I hang my head in silent shame.

It’s time to join Kim where we last left her, lying in her den of gluttony and sloth, belly bursting with anxious and writhing chubby baby. The real action is happening downstairs, we soon learn, where Kroy and Sweetie currently collude to bring Kim a perfect birthday experience. As the sounds of Kim’s urination ritual are amplified from the hallway, her assistant and boyfriend discuss their secret plans in the kitchen. Kroy wants a tight guest list with the “idiots” left out. He plans to purchase a coveted bracelet for Kim. In a talking head, Kim says she can’t believe she’s turning 33. For the sixth time, I’m assuming.

Phaedra meets Maestro of Ceremonies Willie Watkins again to pitch an idea for her own spin-off show, ahem, new major life dream of owning a funeral home. First, they compliment each other on how sharply-dressed they are. Then, they sit in a warm chapel to discuss her prospects. Willie tells her she has to get to know the ins-and-outs of the business, learning all phases of the process. She chooses in that moment to respond with, “I’m a master of gettin’ some money!” Willie is too shocked and disgusted to respond at first, eventually emphasizing the need to be sensitive and respectful to those the funeral home serves instead of blatantly opportunistic and greedy and tasteless, since even you, Phaedra, are not allowed to make these types of situations all about you. (He said most of that with his eyes.) Then, Willie tells Phaedra that her dress is too short, and she immediately pulls out a prayer cloth to cover her knees, referring to her thighs as luscious and admitting she’s far too tempting to be exposed in front of men in public.

I love that Willie Watkins is captioned in these scenes. It’s much appreciated. The two take a tour; Phaedra is impressed with a $7,200 casket but maligns a more modest one as “the Pinto of caskets” while almost retching at the mental image of the heaving masses of poor people who would end up in these ugly things. She stops dry heaving just long enough to call it “cheap.” Willie looks disgusted again while reminding her not to say such things in front of customers, throwing in the word compassion, which she seems positively perplexed by. “Compassion?” she must be thinking. “I’ve read about this compassion somewhere before, but what was that…?” Unable to figure it out, she moves on to asking Willie to mentor her in her new pursuits, since he was so impressive with the Coretta service. He pauses after noting how busy he is, pretending for a second like he’s not going to take that fat check and do as he was instructed to do, but then he accepts the assignment with a wooden smile. Phaedra voice-overs that she’s so very excited, since the funeral business is so lucrative. I see Willie really got through to her, that brilliant son-of-a-gun.

Back in Miami, the trio of ladies lunch at an outdoor table. Kandi tries to instigate something by bringing up the rumor that NeNe ran around yelling out that she’s rich. NeNe confirms, saying, “I did, because I am!” Kandi gives her the side eye and tells us she doesn’t think people should consider themselves rich after their first million. Psh, yeah, I had to go through my first several million before I even noticed anything different. Calm down NeNe, you fool! NeNe continues to defend herself against imaginary demons by yelling, “Kim has an issue with me, and Sheree has an issue with me. They both can kiss my ass!” While she talks, all I hear is, “I need a hug. I need a hug. I need a hug.” Cynthia defends her Mama Bear to the camera, wondering aloud why bragging about money doesn’t offend anyone until NeNe does it. Kandi tells her new friends not to be a sourpuss, and NeNe absurdly claims that she doesn’t care anymore. Cynthia interjects and suggests they move on. At that moment, a couple of women walk up, announcing to the table that it’s lesbian pride this weekend, so the city is crawling with females. The three ladies are devastated. They walk down the street and mope, and Kandi asks Nene if she’d ever get with a woman. NeNe responds that she’s “strictly dickly.”

Sheree appears for three seconds in an Atlanta shoe store with her 14 year-old son Kairo. He’s a tall guy already wearing size 14 shoes, but he’s very shy, quiet, and reserved, as his mom explains. She asks him about girls, but he’s sheepish. They’re actually very sweet together. Sheree asks her son if he’s like to have guy time with his father, horsing around and doing male things and whatnot. He nods in the affirmative. “Do you want to do big boy stuff?” she asks. “Yeah,” he answers morosely. She tells us her husband should be stepping up, but he’s never done what he was supposed to. This scene almost makes me cry. One of the few honest moments in the series thus far.

We’re in Miami again, where Cynthia continues to kiss up to NeNe, telling her she loves how open she is. NeNe brags that she never sets limits for herself, but she can’t believe she’s finding herself in this situation, going through a divorce. “These bitches in Atlanta are driving me insane.” NeNe says. Then, she takes Kandi and Cynthia to view a $9 million house she’s threatening to buy just because she has enough for the down payment. She reveals once again to the camera that she’s made very good money after Celebrity Apprentice, finally surpassing what her husband earned when they were together. Kandi uses her own talking head to snark, “I don’t like counting other people’s pockets, but I don’t believe she’s ready to spend money like that.” That won’t be the last judgmental, patronizing comment we’ll hear from Kandi. Cynthia giggles that she needs NeNe to buy this house so Cynthia can have her vacation spot in Miami. The place is pretty nice, though Kandi noted earlier that while $9 million spent in Atlanta would get you an entire estate, it doesn’t buy you too much in Miami, apparently. The desperate realtor tries to convince NeNe that the house will be a magical draw for men, and NeNe immediately envisions a scenario in which the men are poor and shiftless and trying to live in her house for free. “I ain’t no sugar mama. That’s not gonna happen,” she says. In the car, Kandi whispers to NeNe that she should be too scared to buy this house and that she should have a financial planner. NeNe is too busy daydreaming, throwing the clothes of future disappointing hypothetical lovers over the side of the highest balcony.

At the beach, NeNe creepily tells Kandi she wants to see what’s up under that cover-up, essentially telling her to strip down, already. Kandi discards the cloth, revealing her curvaceous figure. NeNe’s eyes pop out; she tells us, “those thighs were huuuuge!” Kandi complains that at 5’2” and 150 pounds, she’d like to lose some weight. Of course, the three women start talking about coitus again, and sex toys and dildos and blah blah. NeNe makes the apt point that she’d rather hear how beautiful she is from a flirtatious man than the continuous flat “BZZZZZ” of a vibrator. Cynthia asks the other two if they’d ever go gay. NeNe protests too much, saying she’s not interested. Kandi says she’d dip her foot in the pool. Awful image. They lament lesbian weekend some more, with Cynthia telling the camera again for good measure that she’s married now and too grown for this shit. The trio meets a couple of skeezy European men playing frisbee. Scrambling to stay on-camera, the guys ask where the ladies are going tonight. NeNe sighs and voice-overs that she can’t date yet, since she still has Greg on the brain.

Somewhere in Atlanta, Sheree and Kim sit down at a steakhouse, where Kim is complaining about how she can’t have seafood, liquor, or cigarettes while pregnant. She’s “over being pregnant,” she announces. Sheree doesn’t want more kids with anyone unless she’s “head over heels in love.” The two women proceed to talking smack about NeNe. Kim points out all the bridges she’s burned and friends she’s lost. Sheree points out her crippling insecurity, adding that she’s delusional and needs to humble herself. No one is disputing any of that, so I wonder why my soft spot for NeNe just won’t go away.

Next, Phaedra and her handsome ex-con husband walk their baby in a stroller down the street. In essence, she thought she could force the guy into doing all the actual work involved in running their funeral home while she publicizes it as the “Saks Fifth Avenue of funeral homes.” He lovingly points out that she’s not doing it for the right reasons, that this is not a passion of hers. Phaedra doesn’t think it matters since she won’t be doing any of the work. Apollo brings up the fact that he has a whole ‘nother career and has no interest in this. She takes all of his disinterest and skepticism to mean that she’ll just have to do some more convincing. She literally doesn’t know what he does for a living (“relocation services or something”), because it doesn’t matter to her in the least. He maintains that it’s “just not for [him],” but he doesn’t realize that this marriage isn’t big enough for the both of them.

Kim wears a beautiful, flow-y silk dress on her birthday, leaving with Kroy to dine out while Sweetie sets up the surprise party back home. Kim marvels at the fact that there are no tequila shots or poor decisions being made on this birthday, since she’s all grown and pregnant now. She seems to really like being settled down, which is kind of adorable. Leaving the car while still in the driveway to go pee yet again, she whines that she can’t stop visiting the bathroom every 30 minutes. That all sounds very unpleasant. On her way out, Kim reminds Sweetie to try to book her a massage. Oh, just you wait, Kim.

Sweetie’s nails and iPhone are ridiculously and tackily bejazzled. She’s calling guests and pouring margaritas and setting up the cake (in the shape of a Louis Vuitton bag) while Kim and Kroy discuss guns over dinner. Kroy wants his son to be a hunter and sharp shooter, while Kim is uncomfortable with weapons. She says she wouldn’t even let him have a BB or paint gun, no matter what anyone says. Kroy shuts her up with a huge and clunky diamond bracelet- one she’s been eyeing for years. It’s actually very strangely nice. Wearing her sparkling new piece of expensive jewelry, she hops up and exclaims that she has to pee again, since the baby’s putting pressure on her “vajayjay.”

Surprise! Kim and Kroy enter their lovely home- pit stop at the bathroom on the way to the kitchen- and are joyfully greeted by the party, which includes Phaedra, Kandi, and Sheree, but not NeNe or Cynthia. Kim looks pleased to see her friends, especially as she’s “had [her] head so far up Kroy’s ass” that she never sees her friends. At least she’s self-aware. At the kitchen table, Kandi dishes about her trip to Miami with NeNe, and Sheree points out that NeNe always has ulterior motives for recruiting new friends. Kandi brings up NeNe’s claims of being rich, only to cattily laugh with the others about it. To the camera in private, she convinces herself she’s still respectable and above the fray by claiming she usually tries to stay out of things but will still laugh when someone says something funny.

That Louis cake really is a masterpiece. Very cute. And the whole party is decorated in pretty pastels. Kim groans that she’s miserable with high blood pressure, four weeks away from birth. Phaedra brings Apollo up, complaining that he was too scared to sex her while she was pregnant. She’s still not having sex, she admits, depressed. Kim thinks that’s a very bad sign; she also lets the party know that her boyfriend has never stopped having sex with her. Kroy continues to play the part of the perfect man by claiming he’ll always be up with the baby, since he’s a night owl anyway, and that he already considers himself a father. Phaedra, with a heavy heart, tells us that Kroy’s a gentleman who seems very attentive to Kim. This! Whenever Phaedra needs to conjure sympathy for the relatives of the deceased, she should think of the sheer darkness and grief she feels in this moment. It’d work like a charm! She pressures Kroy to marry Kim, saying, “My mom’s a minister; it won’t take but ten minutes.” when he claims not to have time. They briefly talk about his hometown in Montana and how they should all move there since there are no Black people around. On her way out of the party, Kandi humbly thanks Kroy for showing them that good men really do exist. Geez, are these women starved for some decent fellows in their lives, or what? Kim’s indeed a very lucky woman, it seems, and I hope the two of them last for a very long time. What? It could totally happen!

NEXT WEEK: NeNe and Greg talk about their dating lives, Apollo and Phaedra fight, and then Apollo and peter fight at Kim’s baby shower. Should be fun.

Season 4, Episode 5 “Suprisingly Rich” (original airdate November 13, 2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Wilford Harewood and Bravo.