Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Movin’ On Up

Some might define the show’s general concept and execution as such, but the latest Real Housewives of Atlanta episode is especially gratuitous. Even the running time is bloated beyond necessity this week, as it’s an extra special extended episode with extra special tension, prattling, and strenuous efforts to appear effortless no matter the cost. Without further ado, let’s take a look.

Sheree sashays into Phaedra’s office, where she immediately sits down and resumes whining about their first day in court. Phaedra maintains that she thought it went well. Sheree complains like a teenager that the judge is helping Bob and not her. Phaedra reminds her client that Bob is just stalling, and it’s not unusual. Then she brings up the meal they shared with Kandi, during which Sheree threw Phaedra under the bus by questioning her lawyering skills. Sheree stands her ground, bitching that Bob is two steps ahead and Phaedra doesn’t have any tricks up her sleeve. “This is my life!” says Sheree dramatically, making a mountain out of a molehill and prematurely acting out on account of her extreme impatience and sense of entitlement.

“I don’t file paperwork until I get my money,” Phaedra tells the camera, telling us Sheree didn’t pay until a couple days before the hearing. The two women argue over when that money should have been delivered. Then, Phaedra does the right thing by suggesting they probably shouldn’t work together anymore. Sheree hides her bruised ego and pretends she was going to request the same thing, that she’s relieved she didn’t have to fire Phaedra. Sheree’s really just upset she didn’t get to sever the ties first; she was taking way too much obvious pleasure in treating Phaedra like some kind of magical, wise but servile, assistant from a Julia Roberts movie or Disney cartoon, and she would have been happy to fire her when Phaedra started getting too uppity.

Cynthia and Peter mill around some art gallery, where Cynthia’s friend is holding an opening or something. Cynthia claims to have been a big part of the art scene while living in NYC, which means she went to lots of galleries, drank champagne, and tried to see which eligible men bought the most expensive piece each night. All the ladies are there, including Sheree, NeNe, Phaedra, Kandi, and Marlo. Cynthia loves that Marlo showed up, since having her come to an event is “a stamp of approval from Atlanta high society.” How can Cynthia say these things without triggering her own gag reflex?

Instigating as usual, Kandi brings up her money conversation with Marlo, asking her again for an acceptable answer to how she earned her riches. Beating a dead horse, Kandi explains in a talking head that while she herself worked hard for her own earnings, Marlo can only say that she’s “good with money.” Kandi thinks Marlo means she’s good at holding on to the cash she gets instead of blowing it. “But she does blow to get money,” Kandi concludes. Why can’t she see how obvious this already is to everyone? I was so hoping we could avoid having to spell it out like this. Defeated, Marlo admits she’s “always dated wealthy guys” and “gotten allowances” from them. Apparently, though, Marlo still has her limits. She explains real men know to share their spoils unprompted, saying “You should never have to ask a guy for money.” Because that would be degrading.

Joining Cynthia and Peter at Bar One, we see them getting ready for a “power couple” magazine photo shoot. While she’s getting her hair done, Cynthia shows off the invitations she made for her upcoming launch party for The Bailey Agency of General Entertainment and Fashion Training and Studies for All Girls and Boys Who Want to Do Anything in the Industry and Can Pay Upon Registration. I think that’s the name she settled on. Peter points out that she doesn’t have time to mail these. It’s Thursday, and her party is on Tuesday, meaning she’ll have to rush them into the mail today so they arrive in mailboxes on Saturday. Cynthia was planning to mail them out tomorrow, on Friday, but wasn’t aware that Monday is a holiday. Because this is really hard to follow and math is really hard, Cynthia is lost. Peter absolutely refuses to help her get the invitations out right away to correct the problem. All of the photographers and staff in the room look pretty horrified that Peter won’t assist his wife. Always the father figure, Peter tells us Cynthia needs a kick in the ass to motivate her.

Across town, Kim and her family are planning to settle into a 17,000 square-foot dream house that Kim is having her interior decorator put together in under a week. Kim is impressed at her ability to get through both a birth and a big move in two weeks’ time. I think it helps when you have a huge staff doing everything for you. Kim hangs around the moving truck and only lifts her arm to gesture, bothered that the loaders keep bumping her precious items. As much as I complain about the drama on this show, I guess it does function to save us from more scenes of the women outsourcing mundane tasks and describing their favorite pieces of furniture.

It’s the return of Master Bryson at NeNe’s place. She brings him into her office where they chat about his job at a small restaurant, which is leading him to consider enrolling in culinary school one day. I wonder if he knows there are still assignments and grades at those places and they don’t just make pizza and then pass it around for tasting. NeNe implores her son to not put things off until it’s too late and reminds him to protect himself when he’s off sleeping around, since he doesn’t want to end up 30 with five kids. To underscore her point, she imitates a hypothetical girl begging him for urgent sex and demonstrates how Bryson should push her aside and insist on a condom. First of all, I’m sure that scenario totally happens all the time. Second, while this was a disgusting pantomime, NeNe’s got the right idea about having frank discussions with her kid rather than shutting her eyes, putting her hands over her ears and yelling at him to pray and do his homework whenever he thinks about sex.

Looking much slimmer due to a new diet of protein shakes and not much else, Kandi meets with her manager Don Juan to discuss her faltering career. In his estimation, she’s fallen off the map lately because of her “non-profit” songwriting support for friends like Kim and Lawrence, who brought in no money. The cameras pan to Kandi’s wall, where plaques proudly hang, as if to agree with Don Juan’s suggestion that she…write songs for *NSYNC and TLC again? I don’t know. Kandi’s last album didn’t do well, as she admits to us, and Kandi Koated Entertainment is not producing much. With heavy desperation, Kandi insists she loves all music genres and will work on absolutely anything, even country music. Don Juan reminds her that’s a very hard area to crack into, since they have their own separate circle. Kandi keeps daydreaming, saying she wants to work with Shania Twain or Carrie Underwood or Rascall Flatts or the Dixie Chicks. Slow down there, lady. “I want to be on the cover of Maxim and King, on the wall of every jail cell,” she grins with a glint in her eye. Don Juan doesn’t think that’s likely. “Hell-to-the-naw,” he replies.

Kim, Kroy, and the kids finally arrive at their finished home, which looks impeccably designed, very ornate, and a little too stuffy for my tastes. There’s a master bedroom that seems bigger than my whole apartment and large vanity photos of Kim in the hallways. As a surprise, Kim helped design baby KJ’s rock star nursery, which looks like something Jesse James would enjoy. It’s tacky and over the top with too much focus on one theme, just like those rooms in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ariana’s room is similarly overdone. It’s princess-themed, super pink, and gaudy, so I wonder how she’ll feel in a few months when she’s grown out of it. Brielle’s room, conversely, is too adult and champagne-colored with a grownup sex bed. What happened to band posters and celeb shots ripped from teen magazines and cork boards with photos of your friends at the food court?

At Kandi’s friend Lil Ronnie’s recording studio, Jo Dee Messina Skypes in to talk collaboration. Since Lil Ronnie is primarily a hip hop and R&B songwriter who also penned a country album, Kandi thinks he’ll be a big help in her efforts. Messina is looking for a few new singles for her album, so Kandi sings a little something she put together. It’s an awful caricature of a country song with a few dumb lines drawled in a single repeating melody. Messina grasps for the most polite words she can, explaining that the song is a bit too country, while her image is more edgy and funky, and she hates ballads. “I don’t like to slow it down unless I have something important to say,” she says. Burn! Kandi is in way over her head, but they still plan to meet up in the future to start from scratch and experiment. Kandi reveals her true motives to the camera: “There’s not that many Black people in the country scene.” She wants to “invade” and maybe “become the Venus and Serena of country music.”

As Cynthia sits in hair and makeup just before the launch party, Malorie arrives to check in. Cynthia is nervous and stressed because of the invites, chagrined that only three people RSVP’d. She’s on the verge of a breakdown. It’s clearly her own fault for not mailing them out sooner, but she wants to blame it on fate. “I know this would happen,” she keeps saying, more upset when she finds out from her party planner that there are no guests yet, just 20 minutes out. Cynthia starts crying and directing all her annoyance at Malorie, who’s been helping this whole time to pull things together. Stop trying to make this mogul thing happen, Cynthia. Just ride high on your late-night club appearances once this show has run its course. Malorie tries to get her sister to admit that other, deeper things are bothering her, since this level of emotion can’t have been brought on by party worries. Cynthia insists this is the only thing plaguing her at the moment.

As she walks into the party with her mom and sister a few minutes later, Cynthia narrates that in the worst-case scenario, everyone’s invitations arrived earlier today. Not surprisingly, since the Bravo cameras and producers are involved, the venue is packed, and all is well, with sushi being passed around on trays. Cynthia is massively relieved, patting herself on the back and marveling, “I’m so proud I pulled this off!” Peter, it goes without saying, was not around in the preparatory stages, choosing instead to attend a pool party last night while Malorie and Cynthia stayed until midnight to finish everything up. Peter tells Cynthia how proud he is that she pulled it off on her own, since this is 100% her vision and dream and not his. But it’s still her job to back him up when he needs help with his own dreams, right?

Kandi congratulates Cynthia on her success, and Cynthia accepts graciously with great excitement. She does know there’s more to running a business than throwing a successful launch party, right? Like, she sees the work ahead and has some sort of plan for accomplishing it? Phaedra arrives with husband in tow and tells the camera that all girls want to be pretty, and if Cynthia can trick them into paying her money to make them think they can be models, maybe that’ll bolster their esteem enough to lead them to pursue real money-making ventures like medicine or law. Phaedra is my favorite for the second week in a row.

Guess who else is at the party? It’s Marlo! She arrives and inserts herself in all the photos she can while Apollo slinks away and looks generally ashamed to be there. Sheree walks in and points out that the air conditioning is on the fritz, just like at Peter’s launch party. Kim floats in with Kroy looking svelte and asking for a glass of wine. “I hope that moose NeNe doesn’t show up and ruin my night,” she tells us before Marlo walks up to her to force an introduction. At this point, I’m just sad for Marlo. Kim knows her story already. “I heard that Marlo sleeps around with wealthy men, and they give her money and buy her nice things,” she says. “Who does that?” I really hope Kim is in on her own joke.

Kim looks awfully disappointed when NeNe drops in. “I’m in a totally different place, and I don’t want to see her,” Kim tells us. NeNe walks up to Cynthia and says, “There’s nothing like an independent woman on the move,” before announcing that she herself used to be a model. Much to our surprise, Kandi is skeptical and has a criticism. “Well, she’s tall,” says Kandi while sipping her haterade. Out of nowhere, Marlo confronts Kandi right in front of Kim to put Kandi on blast for asking Marlo if she had a “Big Poppa.” Not wanting to cop to the fact that Big Poppa is her generic term for “sugar daddy,” Kandi goes into defense mode real quick, looking taken aback and trying to maintain that she’s just seeking the truth. Marlo responds, “You know how many stories I done heard about you?…I heard you’re a sugar momma, and you like to take care of guys!” Kandi is upset but has no real defense. Marlo will continue to fit right in on this show, which is to say she’s completely clueless about how to not come off like a child when insulted.

Kandi will not drop the matter that started this whole thing; she continues to press Marlo and ridicule her for her initial statement about God personally arranging for her financial success. “God blessed me to be wealthy, healthy, and beautiful,” says Marlo, who adds that her last boyfriend was a billionaire. She repeats the words “Big Poppa” about a million times to remind Kandi what she said and to try to provoke Kim to do something more than make an indignant face. Kandi is incensed, but Kim is over the drama and holds her tongue. “I have a baby, a house, and a man,” she says, “but it’s the same old drama with these women.” She heads for the door with Kroy and doesn’t look back.

Cynthia steps up in front of her crowd to thank everyone for coming and at least has the good sense to point out her sister Malorie first. Then, she attempts to call attention to Peter and has him applauded for his support, but he doesn’t join her onstage, because he’s been gone for the past hour. Almost no one noticed him slinking out, and those who did didn’t think to tell Cynthia. People keep applauding and expecting him to walk to the front of the room, but the guy is history, probably watching the game and eating cheese in his boxers by now. Phaedra thinks Peter’s just jealous and unable to watch his wife succeed, since “he can’t seem to get himself together.” I can’t wait to see him explain his way out of this one, but considering Cynthia’s utter lack of backbone, he technically won’t have to try too hard.

NEXT WEEK: Apollo and Phaedra meet with the funeral director, Kim and Sheree work out together, and Marlo sits down with NeNe.

Season 4, Episode 8 “New Tricks” (December 18,2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Wilford Harewood and Bravo.

How to Make It in America Commentary: Gone Too Soon

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: HBO has the best shows on television.  The Sopranos, The Wire, Sex and the City, Entourage, True Blood, Boardwalk Empire – the list goes on and on.  Last year the network introduced viewers to a poor man’s Entourage, a cool little show called How to Make it in America.  Much to my dismay (and a lot of other people’s), they decided to cancel the show earlier this week.

How to Make It was a show that struck a chord with me.  As fledgling entrepreneurs, main characters Ben (Bryan Greenberg, The Good Guy) and Cam (Victor Rasuk, Raising Victor Vargas) embodied the American spirit of perseverance and good old-fashioned hustle.  To go from rags to riches through sheer determination is the American dream.  We all strive for something more; we all want to make it.  More than anything else, Cam and Ben’s hunger and drive permeated every aspect of the show.  What could be more cool and interesting than two aspiring fashion designers trying to come up in NYC, the ‘make or break’ mecca?

Cam, Ben, their buddies Kappo (Eddie Kaye Thomas, American Reunion) and Domingo (Kid Cudi), and Cam’s cousin Rene’ (Luis Guzman) are guys that you couldn’t help rooting for, even when their actions weren’t always above board.  Cam and Ben demonstrated that true friendship trumps everything else, even business.  I would have liked to see the characters continue to evolve.  The show wasn’t perfect.  It never had the heft or legitimacy of Entourage, and I guess if you stack it up against the shows I mentioned previously, maybe How to Make it in America just couldn’t cut the mustard.  I talked to someone on Twitter who never got into the show because it couldn’t draw him in the way other HBO shows typically do.  You’d think HBO would be a great home for any show, but maybe it was doomed from the start.  It’s possible that viewers found the show too derivative of Entourage, and weren’t invested enough after the first episode to discover that nothing could be further from the truth.   I thought it provided an authentic contrast to Entourage in that its principal characters were not rich and spoiled.  They simply had a dollar and a dream, a sentiment perfectly captured by the show’s theme song, “I Need a Dollar,” by Aloe Blacc.

Music was another great aspect of the show, which was a total bonus.  There was more than one occasion when I broke out my iPhone and used Shazam to discover gems like this and this and this.  And the songs fit perfectly with their respective scenes.  For lack of a better description, How to Make it in America was just a cool ass show, and it’s a shame that the good ones never seem to last.  I look forward to seeing Greenberg and Rasuk in upcoming projects, and at least we can enjoy the 2 seasons HBO gave us.

Images courtesy of HBO.

Review: On The X-Factor Finale, Steve Jones Becomes Unraveled as Melanie Amaro Wins It All

Well, kiddos, it’s that time. Time to say goodbye to The X-Factor. Not because the season is over – even though it is – but because a few minutes after the season is over, every contestant other than the winner will have to actually say goodbye to their life, because this is when host / serial-killer Steve Jones finally has his way with the losers on the show. This is when they die.

However, before inevitable death to all (and $5million dollars to one), there is much entertainment to be had in this two-night finale extravaganza. (Did you know that if you add the word “extravaganza” to the end of any event, the event is automatically better? Yeah, that’s not true.) In night one of the  two part finale, the three remaining contestants (Melanie, Josh, and Chris) sung their final performances for America’s votes. (Although who are we kidding? PEPSI and Simon Cowell are the only votes that “really” count. How do we know what kind of shananigans are going on in that vote counting room? We don’t. Steve Jones probably murdered all the people who manage the voting weeks ago.) Round One was sung with a celebrity, while Round Two brought each contestant back to the song they originally auditioned with.

Steve Jones entered the stage in his usual creepy manner, wearing a ridiculous purple shirt and matching skinny tie. As he walked downstage, he pointed his microphone at specific people in the audience like it was a GUN!!! This is followed by his weird crossing of the arms to make an “X,” and then giving a little winky-wink to the TV viewers, as if to say: “Yes America. I’m hot. You love me.”

Next, he angrily introduced the judges who walked out in a line as if they were runway models working for Vera Wang. Just sit the hell down please. Nicole saved her most insane outfit and hairstyle for the last week:  her hair was piled atop her head in the shape of a toilet paper roll. UNEXPLAINABLE.  Jones’ anger grew with each word as he tried to fake a smile while yeling at people to please go to “TWITTAH” and use the hashtag #NoPointsforSecond. (Seriously – does anyone actually DO this? If so, get a life immediately.) And once again, during all of this nonsense, the crowd appeared to be on crack and Ring Dings as they clapped, cheered, and screamed like absolute lunatics throughout the entire first 10 minutes of the show. CALM. THE. HELL. DOWN. The entire time Jones is talking, the crowd is yelling as if they are 1960′s chicks watching a Beatles concert. It is pure insanity. Okay, let us get to the performances:

Josh Krajcik:

I am going to say right now that this man will not win this show, simply because he has a stupid last name. Nobody can say or spell it. Of course, I could be completely wrong about this. I never said I knew what I was talking about. It’s just a theory. I know every single time I have to type his name, I have to look it up AGAIN because I can NEVER remember how it’s spelled. You would think it would stick in my head, but it doesn’t. For Round One, Josh sang with Alanis Morisette on her song, “Uninvited.” Although he still had the constipated, Jack Black thing going on in the face, he also looked incredibly happy and giddy to be standing next to such a big star. Unfortunately, he also seemed to come across as a tad intimidated and frightened by her too. After the song, Jones did a mini-interview with Morisette, then pushed her off the stage with his “Okay, thank you Alanis. Thank you.” Whenever he says thank you to someone, it means “GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE!” Josh’s family and friends were via satellite from Ohio, and grandma was saying how proud she was of her boy Josh. She didn’t get to finish, though, because Jones swooped in and cut her off.

In Round Two, Krajcik (I had to look it up again) sang the gorgeous song that got him here in the first place: Etta James’ classic, “At Last.” Playing his guitar and standing center stage, Josh gave an incredibly moving, soulful performance which made Nicole cry in mere seconds (imagine that!). Of course, there were no actual tears, but she made her famous “I’m crying right now” face, so that is what we are supposed to believe. Paula said he “owned the stage,” while Nicole “I have an eggroll on my head” Scherzinger said some crap that included words such as “music , you, beautiful, believe, you believe, we believe that I believe, and believe, journey, magic.”  Judge’s weirdness aside, this was a gritty, fantastic performance.

Chris Rene:

The artist chosen to duet with Rene was Avril Lavigne. The song? “Complicated.” This was really super fun to watch. Honestly, they looked as if they had known each other for years up there; like siblings or best friends who are always bantering back and forth and joking around. Chris’s smile lit up the stage as he rapped and Avril sang, and the result was quite pleasant. Reid called it “a little shaky,” while the other judges seemed to think it was endearing and that he is a natural performer. We then went live to toothless neighbor Susan, who yelled some sort of nonsense into the TV that wasn’t understandable. Chris Rene got super emotional and started to tear up at how far he has come from toothless Susan, and Steve Jones ignored him and moved it along.

In Round Two, Rene brought back his self-penned classic, “Homie What You Trippin On?” I could honestly listen to this song all day. I love it. LA Reid was doin his “Can you believe I’m not white?” dance at the judges’ table, and I was singing along at home, like the white girl I am. Nicole “Why is there a fruit roll-up on my head?” Scherzinger gave her gag-worthy comment, “Thank you for that gift.” Paula called him “magic,” and Simon said simply: “THAT was your 5 million dollar song!”

Melanie Amaro:

In Round One, Miss Cleo sang the beautiful song “I Believe I Can Fly,”with none other than R. Kelly. Okay, if you think I’m NOT going to mention that R.Kelly peed on kids and videotaped it right now, then clearly, you don’t know me or read my reviews. R.Kelly might believe he can fly, but he also believes he can PEE ON CHILDREN!!! I’m sorry, but this is pretty much ALL I can think about whenever I see him. I can’t just forget something like that. Peeing on kids. It kind of sticks in your mind. Melanie and Pee-Freak sang a lovely duet, although a bit restained from her end if anything, and they gave her the big ole gospel choir in the background for extra “oomph.” After the duet, R. Kelly peed on the choir, then on Melanie, then on the audience. Reid didn’t notice, and was instead focused on the fact that the song wasn’t in Melanie’s key. Simon thought his girl did phenomenal, and then Jones took us live to Florida where we spoke to the Bishop of Melanie’s church and many other screaming lunatics. As they spoke, R. Kelly peed on Steve Jones, but he didn’t feel it, because he is a robot made of copper.

Round Two was the song that should win this show for Melanie; Beyonce’s “Listen” from Dreamgirls. Just like the first time she sang it during auditions, it gave me chills up and down my arms with every note. Something about the way she sings that song – it is perfection. Reid called it her “50 million dollar song,”  Nicole “manicotti -head” Scherzinger said some crap about rainbows and butterflies and dreams, and Simon predicted that she will win the show based on that performance. Steve Jones reminded everyone that they need to start voting, “BUT NOT YET!!!!!!!!,” he screamed. “Okay. NOW!!!!! Now the voting lines are open. NOW!!!!!” As America started to vote and the credits rolled, Jones headed backstage to begin preparation on his death dungeon for all the losers he will soon keep down there, supplying them with only bread, water, and a Twitter machine so they can TWITTUH.

The FINALE of the FINALE:

Our host Steve Jones has traded in his purple shirt for a black tuxedo and a bowtie, and Paula and Nicole are both wearing completely bizarre get-ups for this last hurrah of the competition. Jones opened the show by letting us know that “someone’s life is about to change forever.” Little did we know he wasn’t referring to the winner – he was talking about the person who doesn’t win, because they will be killed by his robotic hands.

The Top 12 returned for a pretty awful rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory,” ending with the Top 3 finishing out the horrific number. (And, for some odd reason, they had Melanie dressed like a character on Star Trek in a futuristic-looking outfit and straight, weird bangs on her forehead.) After the song ended, Jones tried to make his way through the large crowd onstage and clearly had NO social skills as he pushed everyone, yelling impatiently to Melanie, “Excuse me sweetie, excuse me, just pushin’ my way through here . . . ” So awkward!!!

The Top 3 performed Holiday Songs, which were actually quite nice. Melanie’s version of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” was excellent. Chris Rene’s genuine, heartfelt “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” made me want to have a cup of hot chocolate with him by the fire, and Josh Krajcik’s “Please Come Home For Christmas” was warm, passionate, and soulful. Each performance was followed up with a video montage of the contestant’s family, friends, and supporters back home, talking to them and telling them how proud they are of them, etc. You know – the kind of video that sends a sarcastic, cynical jerk like me into a sobbing mess of blob. DAMN YOU, X-FACTOR! The best part was after Melanie’s video, because she was a sobbing mess like me and couldn’t even get a word out, yet Jones pushed and pushed for something; “Melanie, what’s going through your head right now?” (silence, crying) “Melanie?” (silence) “Melanie? Melanie? Could you . . . Huh? Huh? SPEAK, YOU BITCH!!!!” Okay, he didn’t say that, but seriously – he really wanted to.

Up next was another grand holiday-themed performance by the one and only Justin Bieber, with some kick-ass harmonica playing and duet singing by the legendary Stevie Wonder. The pair did a couple of songs and ended with an elaborate version of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” that included breakdancers, some hip-hop, and Justin singing the last few notes with Drew, who had expressed her love for him in the beginning of the season.

“Time to get serious!” said Jones, as he brought the crowd back from life and starting bringing the show down again. God forbid we have any FUN around this place. At this point, the very serious business of telling us which contestant got voted into 3rd place happened – Chris Rene. No joke – Steve Jones literally kicked him off the stage with an abrupt “Okay, I’m gonna have to send you off now. Please. Send you off . . .” SO RUDE!!!!!!!!!

After this, there were performances by Leona Lewis, 50 Cent featuring the arrogant Astro (who decided he felt like performing this time), and Pitbull/Neo with Marcus Canty. Josh and Melanie did a really nice duet of “We Could Be Heroes” and Nicole Schwarzinger won in a “Cry-Off” against Paula Abdul.

And then . . . the big moment . . . the very first WINNER of the very first X-Factor in the USA . . . and a $5 million dollar recording contract . . . and a Pepsi commercial . . .

MELANIE AMARO!!!!

Now, this is when it all started to go to shit for Steve Jones. This is what you call “unintentionally hilarious.” Complete trainwreck. The guy just doesn’t have ANY control of anything happening, AND he has zero social skills or patience to go with the “live TV, anything can happen” situation.   The result is a massive, amazing unraveling of epic proportions.

Melanie is sobbing her face off; Jones is trying like hell to get a “comment” from her and can’t. First, he goes up to her and asks about 4x in a row, “Can I get a word Melanie? Melanie? A word? Just one word? Can I please get a word? The people REALLY want to hear what you have to say . . . now . . . come on . . .” He is clearly getting angry, and the violence is starting to slowly seep out. Then, Melanie’s family rushes the stage, pushing past Jones and hugging Melanie. They form a huge circle hug that nobody can break. Now Jones tries to talk to Simon instead, but he won’t give up on getting Melanie to speak. Now he is scolding her: “Melanie, you do know you have to sing in a minute, right? You have to sing . . .” She still says nothing and is in complete shock and crying, shaking.

Jones still cannot get any words out of her at all, so he introduces her song to end the show. Melanie starts to sing “Listen,” and, like most winners, stops and starts, cries, collects herself, and sings in a very emotional way. This is normal, and no reason to get upset. But Jones cannot DEAL with improvising, or fun, or “going with it” so he flips out and starts getting all tense again. After Melanie sings, there are still a couple of minutes left in the show for Jones to try and fill. He goes BACK to Melanie again: “Comment? Please . . . say something. Please. ” She finally says “Thank you so much!” but he can’t let it go. “Anything else you’d like to say right now?” “Just . . . thank you.” He doesn’t know what to do at this point. He is lost and forlorn, and looking forward to going home and preparing his death machine for the losers.

In the end, the show got me. I got emotional right along with Melanie when she won. I could feel her dreams coming true, and it made me happy for her. The show itself was up and down, but the finale was very entertaining and satisfying. It had that “special” feeling, and it was great to see this 19 year old girl with immense talent get the prize at the end.

As for Josh, Chris, and all the other “losers” who didn’t win the show, Steve Jones has a special limo waiting for you downstairs. Let’s go people. Move it along, move it along . . .

And as for me; I hope to see you right back here next season for more X-Factor fun. Unless, of course, Steve Jones has other plans for me. Thank you all for reading – and I will see you here, and on the TWITTUH. Goodnight.

Season 1, Episodes 25 and 26 (originally aired December 21st and December 22nd, 2011)

For more X Factor reviews, click here.

Photos courtesy of xfactorusa.com

 

Win Advance Screening Passes to Joyful Noise

Poptimal.com and Warner Bros. are teaming up to get 30 lucky Poptimal fans into an advanced screening of the new movie Joyful Noise. Here is your chance to win a family 4 pack of tickets.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012, 7:30 PM
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The film’s all-star cast includes Oscar® nominees Queen Latifah (“Chicago,” “Hairspray”), Dolly Parton (“Transamerica,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Nine to Five”), Keke Palmer (Akelah & the Bee), and Broadway sensation Jeremy Jordan.   Alcon Entertainment’s and Warner Bros. Pictures’ “Joyful Noise,” is a funny and inspirational story of music, hope, love and renewal.

Dear Santa: A Commentator’s Wish List

Dear Santa,

It’s almost Christmas. I promise I’ve been good this year…you can even check my social networking accounts. So, I’ve put together a list with my special Christmas television wishes.

All I want for Christmas is…

• An invitation to Sunday night dinner with the Reagan family on Blue Bloods.

• That Mike & Molly’s wedding goes off without a hitch. Although, realistically that probably won’t happen.

• For Wade (Wilson Bethel) and Zoe (Rachel Bilson) to get together on Hart of Dixie. Also, for Lemon (Jaime King) to stop trying to be so perfect. She’s much more likeable when she’s more relaxed.

• For 2 Broke Girls’ Max (Kat Dennings) and Caroline (Beth Behrs) to get some new diner uniforms. That mustard yellow is just atrocious.

• On a similar note, some new clothes, or at least some longer running shorts, for Schmidt (Max Greenfield) from New Girl because he always seems to be half naked.

• For Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) to be okay following that car accident in the Gossip Girl fall finale. Also, that these two lovebirds finally tie the knot.

• More shirtless Steve McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) on Hawaii Five-0. Plus, there’s always room for more McGarrett-Danno bromance.

• Mrs. Suit’s aka Elizabeth Burke (Tiffani Thiessen) safe return on White Collar.

• For a satisfying series end to In Plain Sight in its fifth and final season. It’s also probably about time Mary (Mary McCormack) & Marshall (Frederick Weller) got together.

• For Smash to be a hit! NBC could use one.

• For Modern Family to just keep on doing what it’s doing. Ditto with Happy Endings. These shows can do no wrong and just keep bringing the funny.

• Parenthood’s Amber (Mae Whitman) to realize that her calling is to work with kids who have disabilities, like her cousin Max (Max Burkholder) who has Aspergers syndrome, instead of continuing to work at the coffee shop.

• Please don’t let Poppy Montgomery’s show, Unforgettable, be cancelled. She deserves to be on television.

• All episodes of Homeland to be available On Demand or online so I can catch up on one of the most popular new shows.

• For Red Riding Hood (Meghan Ory) to be featured in an episode of Once Upon A Time. I think she’d have a pretty awesome storyline.

• That USA Network continues to air Elf before Christmas. There can never be enough Buddy the Elf.

 

Love,

Allison

PS- Since it is the season of giving…please give all Poptimal readers their own Christmas television wishes too. I’ll make sure I leave out extra cookies. Xoxo

 Images Courtesy of JoJo Whilden/CBS and Colleen Hayes/USA Network.

Ho Ho Hos: Improper Holiday movies, Vol. 4

Chestnuts on an open fire. Mistletoe above the doorway. Pepper spray at the local Walmart. Yes, the holidays are finally upon us, so it’s time to break out all those sentimentally delightful songs and movies that bring cheered spirits, glad tidings and…boobs? Yeah, sometimes boobs. After all, those are the earmarks of a really good holiday movie. The ones that percolate just above the surface of the badass that is Jimmy Stewart and his Wonderful Life. The outliers. This (bi)weekly-ish column aims to have your holiday goose gander at Christmas movies that some might consider inappropriate, but always manage to light some holiday cheer.

Trading Places

Ah, the 80s. Back when Reaganomics was king. Back when Frankie said Relax. Back when Eddie Murphy was still funny. From this milieu spawned Trading Places, a holiday film that is surprisingly as relevant now as it was back in 1983. Director John Landis brings his trademark biting humor together with the masterstroke pairing of SNL alums Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy to tell the story of Louis Winthrope (Aykroyd), managing director of the brokerage Duke and Duke, and Billy Ray Valentine (Murphy), a conman who could hustle his way out of any situation. The Duke brothers and Winthrope are big, crazy money. They operate in the upper echelons of high society; the one percent of the one percent. Winthrope’s mornings consist of getting served breakfast, checking the pork belly market, and being  dressed before having a chauffeur take him to work. Valentine, by comparison, squeezes his way into a wood push-cart that makes him look legless and begs for money in a nearby park. He hustles to one woman in particular, “Once you have a man with no legs you never go back.” It’s this dichotomy that creates the spine of Trading Places and when Valentine is fingered for stealing Wintrope’s briefcase despite his innocence, the fuse is lit for the Duke brothers to place a nasty wager between one another – betting that Valentine could do just as good a job as Winthrope despite being the product of a “bad environment.”

The Dukes bail Valentine out of jail and explain to him that they are giving him a job, in the spirit of the holiday season, you see. Valentine questions their motivations, but is not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (when offered a cigar in the back of their limo, he takes seven with one grab of his finger-less gloved hands). Valentine’s acclimation to the high life is not without its wrinkles. Upon bathing in a Jacuzzi, he delightedly exclaims, “When I was growing up and we wanted a Jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub!” No better line of dialogue in the movie sums up this transitional period for Valentine than the delicately placed, “Motherfucker? Moi?” to a brutish looking drunk in a seedy bar where Valentine proceeds to make it rain with hundred dollar bills. But Valentine is quick to make the transition, unlike Winthrope, who is not faring so well, having been thrown in jail after being framed by the Dukes for embezzling money. His fiancée is nonplussed about his current state despite his manic recounting (“Those men wanted to have sex with me!”) and she quickly dumps him after a prostitute named Ophelia (Jamie Lee Curtis)is paid to act like the two have a past. With his home occupied and all banking accounts frozen, he has no choice but to stay with Ophelia in a poverty stricken neighborhood while he tries to figure out just what is going on.

With places roundly traded, Buddy sets into his new role nicely, using his hustler experience and street smarts to predict the market to great success, so much so that it makes the papers. When Winthrope reads who has usurped his old life, he goes on the offensive, “Christmas huh? I’ll give him a Christmas gift he’ll never forget!” But on that fateful night in which Winthrope dresses as Santa at the Duke and Duke Christmas party, there to sabotage Buddy’s career, Valentine instead becomes privy to the Dukes’ bet and plans to team up with Winthrope to put together the ultimate Christmas gift, served best cold.

Trading Places is startlingly relevant today and not just because of the season. The Dukes’ bet ends up being a great big fat metaphor for how the one percent have always been the invisible puppet masters of the American economic system, causing it to expand and contract to suit their every whim. Also eerily poignant is the noticeable absence of the middle class in the movie, which has been disappearing from the American class system for years. Trading Places is not a movie about the haves and have-nots. It’s not about learning to appreciate what you have. It’s about understanding that people are people, regardless of class or income bracket. It’s the idea that while someone might not have a car, or a perfect home, they most likely have a bigger heart than you and don’t quickly take for granted the smaller details in life. It celebrates the themes of those classic Christmas tales like It’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol: that true wealth is something that can’t be counted or bought or sold, and that richness of character will always outweigh the richness of material possession.

All of Keith’s holiday movie recommendations can be found exclusively at Poptimal

For more movie reviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Whole Day Down: Interview with Willie Garson

Everyone who’s ever been alive has had a dream. In fact, a whole generation of children was brought up on the idea that dreams come true. Now I don’t know how that’s working for you, but I’ll go ahead and tell you that at this very moment there is no tiara sitting on my head. So I’ve pretty much given up on the secret princess thing, because as so often happens my dream was pimp slapped by reality and is currently cowering in the corner waiting for its chance to fade away. This is so often the case of the dream denied, once starved and neglected; touched by failure it is pushed to the side until one day you pick it back up again. That’s what happens to the fellas of Whole Day Down.

Whole Day Down is a web series created by Tai Fauci and Patrick Breen about two dreamers who throw themselves all in. And by dreamers, I may mean potheads who – frustrated with their lives – come up with a scheme to take control by following their dreams of owning an art gallery. Starring Willie Garson (White Collar), Patrick Breen (Law & Order), Dan Fauci, and Elisa Donovan (Clueless), Whole Day Down is a comedic and ironic look at life, art and following your dreams.

In Whole Day Down, Garson plays Willie, an out of work actor turned lab rat who’s taken five jobs and selling his blood in order to make ends meet. Living on the very edge of the life that he desires, Willie decides he’s going to ditch his unfulfilled dream of becoming a sitcom star to pursue his one true passion: art. Partnering up with his best friend Patrick (Breen), a semi-closeted trophy husband, the two make a plan to start their own art gallery. But with no money, space, or even artistic talent, Willie and Patrick decide they’re going to borrow their way into the art world. With the help of Patrick’s wife, a daddy’s girl with an eyebrow raising-ly close relationship with said daddy, the boys get Patrick’s father-in-law to loan them his art gallery where, for one Monday a month, the boys live out their dreams as gallery owners.

In an interview with Garson, the actor tells Poptimal about Whole Day Down, what he loves about playing Willie, his inspiration as an actor and why he’s meant to be a rock star.

Keshaunta Moton for Poptimal.com: Can you tell us about Whole Day Down?
Willie Garson: It’s about two guys who own an art gallery, but they don’t have an art gallery. So they’re just losers, and it’s almost like Abbott and Costello at work in the modern art world. They’re constantly trying to get a show and make some money doing contemporary art shows but they don’t have a gallery. So they get this guy to give them a gallery one day a month. The characters are sort of broader versions of myself and Patrick.

Poptimal: In what ways are you like Willie?
Garson: Some of his humor, the irony of it. Patrick writes most of it so he takes kind of the cheesier elements of myself and makes them stronger than [in] me. Hopefully, I’m not as cheesy as Willie is.

Poptimal: So far, you guys have been selling pictures off TV and radioactive china. Do you think you guys are going to get any real art?
Garson: What’s really ripe for comedy is contemporary art. So it’s like the stuff we have in the episodes could totally be in some art gallery and be selling for $200,000. That’s how ridiculous the contemporary art world is. So that’s our version of actual contemporary art.

Poptimal: Willie is a struggling actor; you’ve been busy in the business for a while. How do you connect with Willie as a not-yet-succeeding actor?
Garson: Every actor thinks that they’re a struggling actor. No matter how successful you are, no matter how many days you work and how much the reality is telling you differently, every actor thinks that they’re a struggling actor and this is the last day that they’re ever going to work. So it’s very easy for an actor to play a struggling actor.

Poptimal: Why did you decide to join the project?
Garson: We all wanted to do something together. We’ve all known each other our whole lives. Dan Fauci, Tai’s father, who plays Mr. G. who owns the gallery, has been my teacher since I was twelve years old. We basically all raised Tai together. And Patrick and I have been friends for 13 years. There’s nothing better than doing stuff for people that are in your life anyway. And so it was like, why don’t we do something. We all think this is funny. We all do this for a job, why don’t we all do this together? So it really just grew very organically.

Poptimal: What do you think is the advantage of having the show as a web series?
Garson: You can do anything. That’s the advantage, it’s creatively. The disadvantage is there’s no money. There’s no revenue for it but just getting your work out there. It’s wide open. You’re not catering to a certain audience. Whoever clicks on it, clicks on it. If you have a show on CBS airing after 60 minutes, it better be popular with 55-year-old white people or the show’s not going to be successful. Whereas on the Internet you just put on whatever you put on and it’s open to the billions of the world who have a computer. Anyone can click on it at any time. That’s very freeing creatively.

Poptimal: What moments in the show has having no limits created?
Garson: Almost every line. Almost every line of mine is adlib. Every time we did anything, we joked about anything. And obviously there’s no network, no studio. I work in commercial television, so my life is network notes, studio notes, creator notes; all of this is on top of you all of the time. Whereas the Internet, there’s nothing; it’s like ‘okay, what about if we did this, alright that’s hilarious let’s do that.’ You can just make it… you just hope if it makes us laugh it makes someone else laugh.

Poptimal: What do you think the message of Whole Day Down is?
Garson: Not to take yourself so seriously, certainly in this world of contemporary art, but in general not to take things too seriously. I think because people are so anxious about money and whatever success means or how things look to other people, I think we end up squashing our creativity and that’s what the show is about. It’s about having fun and exposing yourself and going with your dream and being driven; making it happen, no matter what, as ridiculous as it might seem to keep going ahead. At the end of the day, that’s what Patrick and Willie do. They keep going whereas anyone else would have said ‘Obviously the world doesn’t want us to have an art gallery, let’s sell this crap.’ But this is what we want to do so we’re going to find a way to do it. That’s a good message.

Poptimal: What’s coming up on Whole Day Down?
Garson: No idea, no idea. We shoot them all at the same time and I don’t see how they cut them together. I’m off doing White Collar so I never know how it’s cut together.

Poptimal: How is it, not knowing and then watching it?
Garson: It’s very entertaining, that’s how I am with everything I make. It doesn’t look anything like what you’re standing there doing so the artists who are making it, that’s their job: to form it. That is true on everything I’ve ever been in. My job is to be in the moment and be the actor doing the scenes. So I watch everything as a fan, I try to separate myself from it.

Poptimal: You’re also on White Collar, can you tell us about what’s coming up next in the series?
Garson: We start airing new episodes January 17th and I can’t really say much. We have this treasure that we’ve been dealing with this season so it’s going to kind of come to a head how that treasure’s going to be dealt with. We start shooting new episodes in March, so I have no idea what those are yet.

Poptimal: How do you like playing Mozzie vs. playing Willie?
Garson: Everything you play is something you’re recommending. So it’s just very different, they’re all different… They’re always different facets of myself. Mozzie pays better, I’ll tell you that…. Every character that an actor plays is some version of themselves, something inside of them; their wit, their intelligence, their emotion, their lack of intelligence. Whatever it is, every character an actor plays comes from somewhere. Other than if you’re an impressionist then you’re just pretending to be someone else which is ridiculous, that’s just bad acting.

Poptimal: Can you ever imagine a situation in which Mozzie and Willie would meet?
Garson: Mozzie operates in a little bit of a higher end art world then Willie does, so it would be Mozzie scraping the bottom of the barrel dealing with Willie. He’d be slumming it.

Poptimal: What would you be if you weren’t an actor?
Garson: I would probably be a lawyer, I guess. But I don’t know. Every actor wants to be a musician, but I have no talent. I don’t know, I would love to be a rock star, but I don’t know how that would have happened.

Poptimal: How did you first know that you wanted to be an entertainer?
Garson: I was a very little kid and I was in first grade, I think. So I was six years old and I was in a play. And I was like, ‘this is awesome.’ Everyone pays attention to you and you get to make people laugh and make everyone listen to you. It was very satisfying early on.

Poptimal: Does it give you as much attention as you like, acting?
Garson: It gives you so much attention that it’s nauseating. No one deserves the amount of attention that actors get. Maybe environmentalists do, and doctors looking for cures for diseases and maybe teachers. But certainly actors do not deserve the amount of attention given to them.

Poptimal: What’s your inspiration as an artist, an actor?
Garson: My inspiration from the beginning was always to reach as many people as possible. It’s kind of like my mission to kind of fill out people’s lives, to give them a fuller expression of their lives. When I meet fans or talk to fans and they say that something I did meant something to them and it made them laugh, it made their life a little bit richer. That’s very inspirational, that keeps you going. If no one’s watching, a lot of actors are doing it for themselves, for me to express myself. Acting’s really a two way street: it’s you and the audience, so if you’re not reaching anyone I don’t know how you find any inspiration. So you get your inspiration from the people you’re affecting in a positive way not in a negative way. Like ‘Oh my God that guy’s awful,’ that’s not very inspirational.

Poptimal: Have you gotten any fan reactions from the show so far?
Garson: A little bit. People love it, they think it’s very fresh and different and funny. And what’s great is because Patrick and Tai are so bright, that it’s smart and that’s a great thing. Sometimes we don’t get unique things that are so smart in the commercial world.

Poptimal: Whole Day Down made it to the NexTV semifinals. Congratulations. What does that mean for you guys?
Garson: It means that Tai did a good job, which we know she did. I saw the list, there’s like 20 finalists or something, but there were over 200 that signed up for it. So in my mind already, we’ve won something because that’s a huge accomplishment.

Poptimal: Where do you hope Whole Day Down goes from here?
Garson: My reality always is: it’s going to be what it’s going to be. The experience has been great and if it ended today that’s great, if it goes on that’s great. If it goes to another format that’s great, I just hope it doesn’t lose its heart.

Poptimal: What’s your favorite movie of all time?
Garson: I really love The Grapes of Wraths. John Ford’s Grapes of Wrath starring Henry Fonda. Unbelievable movie.

Poptimal: What fictional character do you most relate to?
Garson: Every boy I guess says Holden Caulfield. I would say I have a lot of Holden Caulfield. His take on the world was my take on the world at that age and it’s never changed now that I’m an old person.

You can catch Garson as Willie in Whole Day Down. Whole Day Down also stars Francesca Fauci, Steve Bloem, and Karen Austin. Three episodes are available now at Whole Day Down’s website here. New episodes will be posted starting January 10th. White Collar returns Tuesday, January 17th at 10 p.m. on USA Network.

Follow the show on Twitter: @wholedaydown and LIKE on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WholeDayDown.

Dexter Review: Finally, the Finale

After last night’s sixth season finale, two things have become abundantly clear to me as a viewer—I equal parts love and hate the direction the show is heading in, and it’s going to be a long 10 months before fans get any resolution.

The episode starts off with quite a bang, Dexter killing his would-be-rescuer, the captain of a ship who happens to be robbing the immigrants he’s illegally transporting. We next see him with Deb at the crime scene. After an awkward hug, where she is ridiculously obsessed with his “I love you” response, because no siblings have EVER uttered those words to another in a familial way, Dex makes sure to deface Travis’ painting of him.

The real conflict of the week is when Travis FINALLY decides to raise the stakes a little, and after playing around in Dexter’s apartment and with his things, including his cereal and assorted clothing, kidnaps Harrison from his school pageant and plans to sacrifice him on an altar on top of a building. In an only vaguely explained kind of way, Dexter manages to get there in time, save Harrison, and capture Travis, while also evading his increasingly creepy sister and the rest of the Miami Metro team.

Dexter takes Travis to the church, where Deb sent him to look over the crime scene again for information. He sets up a kill room. Meanwhile, Deb has a breakthrough in therapy and realizes she really is in love with her adopted brother, and runs to confess her feelings. She bursts through the door just in time to see Dex plunging a blade into Travis.

Not since the epic, and vastly better, season four cliffhanger, where Dexter found Rita’s body lying in a bathtub, one last victim of the Trinity killer, and baby Harrison sitting eerily by in a pool of blood has a Dexter finale left me so eager for the next season. But, let’s just face it; this year held an unbalanced amount of highs and lows as far as both major and minor arcs went.

Again with the Quinn/Angel back and forth, don’t those characters know I’m over forcing myself to care if they live, die, or even grace my screen with their presence? Louis showed some promise early in the season, with his strange obsession with both Dexter and the Ice Truck Killer. Speaking of, what a big tease that lead to nothing all season, bringing Brian/Rudy back and dropping him an episode later. I hope we don’t have to sit through more of Louis’ antics next season without a little further explanation of where it’s going to take us. It was exhausting waiting for most of this year to happen without that added burden.

Travis and Gellar were an underwhelming duo, in part because we knew they could never really bring about the apocalypse. So, their endgame really wasn’t that threatening. They weren’t after any characters that ultimately mattered either, until the last few minutes of the season. Sure, it’s hard to compare to Trinity, but it’s more important, to me anyway, to understand how the killer mirrors and relates to Dexter. Even last season, the group of bads had a ritual, but we also got to follow Dexter on a journey of rediscovery through Lumen. Here, we got a not-so great twist with a mostly whiny follow up.

What continues to keep me divided is my mutual excitement and disappointment at where the finale leaves Deb. I love the fact that she’s definitively witnessed Dexter in his full-on killer mode, stabbing Travis in the church. It’s a twist that adds so much potential for how she’ll deal with her brother, now that she can start to realize who he truly is. It could’ve easily been a fact she discovered later on, after a long, drawn-out final two seasons of us all waiting for her to wise up. But, she’s a good cop, and she’s come close before. Taking into account the foreshadow from last season’s finale, where Deb turned her back on two shadowy figures taking out the big bad of the season, letting Dexter and Lumen escape, we know it’s not going to be a simple black-and-white response for Lieutenant Morgan. Still, will she be privy to complete disclosure from his dark passenger? Will Dex confess his all of his crimes to his sister? I’m interested to see how she reacts, if and when, Dexter tells her he was the Bay Harbor Butcher of season two infamy.

But, then we have the stomach-turning love confession she was on her way to deliver. Sure, it kind of makes sense, and I think the conversation in therapy last night was meant to drive that point home for is. It’s not out of character, and earlier in the series, I admit, I had a chilling thought it might one day happen. But still, like many viewers, not on board. My real hope is her new revelation about her brother’s extracurricular activities squelches her romantic ambitions for the time being.

Settle in Dexter fans, the series returns for a seventh season next fall.

Season 6, Episode 12: “This Is the Way the World Ends” (Original airdate December 18, 2011)

Images courtesy of Showtime

Burn Notice Review: Love You Didn’t Do Right By Me

This week’s season finale of Burn Notice was all about the perils of love, how far would you go to keep it, and what would you sacrifice to protect it? In this week’s episode Mike and Fiona each have their own moment of reckoning as Anson raises his demands to force Michael to do the unthinkable. Also this week, Michael gets his big boy pants as he is given his very own CIA team, but with Anson pulling the strings could Mike’s first group mission also be his last?

We pick up in the aftermath of last week’s shocking revelation that Anson is rebuilding the network that burned Michael. This is potentially cataclysmic as Mike is first hand proof that this agency destroys lives, and Mike is not trying to have that. Full of fire and backed up by an equally pissed Fi toting some heavy firearm, Mike confronts Anson and tells him that there’s no way he’ll allow Anson to rebuild the organization. Anson for a second doubts Mike’s intentions to follow through, but that doubt’s put to rest with the help of a long range bullet landing next to Anson’s head.

This reversal of roles is amazing and frankly a long time coming as Mike finally gains the upper hand. Mike’s had enough and he’s ready to end it. I couldn’t be happier. In fact, the only question that I have is why in the world hasn’t this happened sooner? Anson puts everything that Mike loves in jeopardy, and on top of that he’s a really, really bad man. Why wasn’t he thrown off a cliff in his second episode? Oh, that’s right, because he has the goods on Fi. But isn’t that even more reason to feed him to the sharks? I’m more inclined to believe Anson’s survival so far is based purely on the fact that he’s the villain du-jour and as I have yet to see a true demonstration of his power I’m going to go with that. So, at this point seeing this great dud of a villain offed would offer zero satisfaction.

But just when it looks like Anson’s come to an end, he opens his trap telling Mike that although he thinks that Anson was the guy who ruined his life, the opposite is true. Estranged from his family and those who cared about him, Mike didn’t have a life until after he was burned. So really he has Anson to thank for giving him everything he would lose were he to kill the slime ball. While this is a some kind of convoluted form of logic that I’m sure tyrants have used on their victims time and again, I’m not buying it. Yeah, it was for your best interest. You should really thank me. Um… how about not? Unfortunately, it works for Mike who lets Anson go to ruin his life another day.

Fi is enraged that Mike let Anson go, in fact Fiona spends most of this episode in growing a fury. And you can’t blame the girl. First knowing that Mike is on Anson’s strings because of her, add to that the fact that Mike’s drifting onto dangerous moral grounds completely ignoring Fi’s advice to turn away, Fi’s now completely incapacitated and unable to be heard. And the strong willed woman she is, Fi’s not down with that. Fi tells Mike that there has to be a line and Mike tells Fi romantically, that there is no line for what he’ll do to protect her. Fi decides that she’s going to turn herself in, whether Mike likes it or not and Mike intercepts by handcuffing Fi to the radiator. Pissed Fi is back again.

This week, Mike is given his first CIA group assignment and is introduced to his new team which features (Hello!) Dean Cain, the glorious Superman. I’ve missed you Dean. Mike’s team also includes two other members, some nervous chick and some other guy, we’ll call him ‘the other guy.’ For their mission Mike and crew have to kidnap a spy recruiter, Reed, played by the fabulous Eric Roberts (jackpot!) who looks even better than he did on Less Than Perfect, if that’s even possible. The team also includes Jesse as a disgruntled former government worker who draws Reed’s attention as a potential new recruit.

During the plan for takedown two important things happen: remember earlier when I said Anson asks the impossible of Mike, well here it is, he wants Mike to burn the entire team that he’s working with. Pierce, Superman, nervous chick and the other guy, yeah, all of them. By putting a chip in Pierce’s computer it will look like the whole team, save Mike, was stealing money from Reed, the bad guy. On top of that Mike learns that Anson planned to kill Reed, his pilot, and oh yeah, Jesse and pin that on the team as well. Mike learns this when he sees Rebecca, his teammate acting suspiciously. He confronts her and finds out that she is working for Reed as well, because, as she says it’s hard to get out from under Reed’s thumb. Mike should take that as a hint.
Rebecca abandons the team and a shootout begins between the CIA and Reed’s guards. Acting as airport security, Mike drives up and collects Reed and Jesse to drive them to safety… I am constantly infuriated by the ease in which the bad guys make reckless decisions. You’re in a shoot out with an unknown enemy when a car that they don’t happen to be shooting appears to lift you to safety. That’s not the least bit suspicious. Anyway, Jesse’s rescued and told to destroy Pierce’s computer because Mike did install the software to make them all look like they’re on the take. Mike’s headed back to his place to warn Fi that Anson’s going to send the Feds after her.

When Mike gets back to his place it’s to find Sam now handcuffed to the radiator and Fi’s gone. Sam tells Mike that she went to turn herself in and gives him a note that Fi wrote. Mike races to get to Fi before she turns herself in, but it’s already too late. As Mike watches Fi is surrounded by agents and handcuffed.

And here a beautiful voiceover comes on reading Fi’s note to Michael. Fi tells Mike that before she even knew his real name she knew that she was in love with him. And part of loving him is forcing him to do the right thing, because if she continued to let him go along with Anson’s plans he wouldn’t be the man she loved. She has to force him to do the right thing and tell what he knows, and the only way to do that is to surrender.

This ending is shocking and gives me so much hope for next season. How will Mike cope without Fi? How’s Fi going to adjust to prison, just a guess but she’s not going to be anyone’s bottom. Is Anson going to live up to all the trouble he’s caused? I doubt it, but am as ever hopeful… Thanks for reading and see you then.

Season 5, Episode 18 “Fail Safe” (original airdate December 15, 2011)

Burn Notice airs Thursdays at 10/9c on USA Network.

Images courtesy of Robert Zuckerman/USA Network.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows Review: Bloody Good Romp, Innit?

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