The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Atlanta Courtroom Blues

December 19, 2011 by Lauren Tyree
Filed under Television

This special mid-week episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta features bucketfulls of Sheree’s tears, which she may or may not have learned to summon on demand at one of her community theater rehearsals. The jury’s still out, but Phaedra is all in with her support for her potentially manipulative dear friend, who makes it very, very difficult indeed. Also, Phaedra is my new favorite person, and Kim is one little infant’s new favorite mommy.

In Phaedra’s office, Sheree takes a load off and hands over the petition she received from Bob. Phaedra helpfully interprets it, telling us what we already know: Bob would like his payments reduced based on his loss of income. Of course, this makes the case a whole lot more complex than they anticipated, so Phaedra will have to start charging Sheree a small fee. She explains in a talking head, “This case is very emotional for Sheree, because, of course, it’s dealing with something that’s near and dear to her heart: her money.” Fa’real, Phaedra? Did you just admit to not believing your client is in this fight for the sake of her kids? That’s kinda low, but maybe she’s picking up on something here.

Those social-climbing, unwelcome leeches Charles and Marlo join Kandi in a studio to stream her web series Kandi Koated Nights, which I’m sure is very informative and not at all grating. Today’s theme, explains Kandi, is how to snag a baller and “get him to stay faithful,” as if it’s the female partner’s responsibility to make sure her guy maintains the self-discipline and basic decency required to keep him from screwing random fans and gold-digging hangers-on at every turn. Having been addressed first for advice on the matter, Charles weighs in with his opinion that Atlanta women don’t keep themselves up as much as they could and that they need to have their own money to be attractive, and then he spouts some shit about how you should treat women in accordance with how they “carry themselves,” meaning you treat ladies like ladies and whores like whores. Not only is this a refreshing new take on the subject, but it’s also easier and much more moral than just generally treating all women with respect.

Next, one of Kandi’s cohosts asks Charles about his transition from NeNe to Marlo. He defensively makes it clear that NeNe “was never [his] woman,” and they move swiftly on to the issue of how exactly Marlo earns her money. When Kandi asks, Marlo responds that her blessings have all come “from God.” Kandi’s talking head mentions rumors of Marlo’s history with an old, white sugar daddy. Technically, that description is probably consistent with Marlo’s version of God, so let’s withhold judgment for now. Muck-stirrer Kandi is suspicious, since she believes her own miraculous God-given talents for songwriting (“a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me!”) are what made her rich, but she was still required to work for her rewards. Kandi asks again what it is that Marlo does, but no answer is to be had, because the truth would be too tragic to utter aloud. From all the God talk, the ladies segue smoothly into a frank discussion of sex positions, and Kandi admits to the camera that she sometimes feels she reveals too much on the air.

At a cheap vintage ship across town, Cynthia and NeNe shop around, with Cynthia appreciating the selections and NeNe dismissing the whole concept (as she doesn’t wear clothes that “other people had on their bodies.”). As a model, Cynthia likes to be all decked out on the runway but prefers to be original and funky and boho chic on the streets. Wow, I’ve never heard any model say any such thing before! She must be really, really artistic and interesting on her off days, judging by her open-mindedness when it comes to non-couture pieces. Anyway, this scene is just an excuse for Cynthia to bring up the latest episode of Kandi’s sex show, causing NeNe to hold her breath and look alarmed before being assured that Charles dutifully denied the rumors about them. “Good, that was the right answer,” she says, heaving a sigh of relief, happy to know he’s able to stay on message like she is. They’re more consistent than Herman Cain was, but they’re no more credible. “Charles ain’t never gonna get none of this Hello Kitty,” quips NeNe, who then yells defensively without any apparent prompting that she never slept with him and everyone just needs to leave her alone about it. Even Cynthia doesn’t seem convinced. Trying to get NeNe to agree to give the new couple a chance, she adds, “I like Marlo. I think her fashion style is amazing.” (Is that what the insiders call it?) I think they must be priming Marlo to be a new housewife or something. Somebody at Bravo must owe these people a favor, because I don’t get it yet.

At Phaedra’s abode, Sheree arrives to prepare for the courtroom. Right away, Phaedra is quite put-off by Sheree’s brand new Porsche, asking her to please not drive it on the morning of the court date and reminding us that the car is worth more than most judges’ salaries are. Once inside, Sheree pulls out her clothing options, showing off Chanel, Dolce and Gabbana, and Hermes, among others. Phaedra looks even more uncomfortable, giving Sheree the side-eye and instructing her not to wear an expensive label. Sheree looks like the most spoiled brat imaginable in this scene; I never knew she was quite this clueless. Though her level of personal wealth shouldn’t necessarily matter in this case, there’s a limit to how stupid and reckless you should be. Phaedra reminds her dear friend that “it’s all about perception.” Sheree does a fashion show in her expensive outfits, anyway, with Phaedra telling her not to show off her “big ole booty” but to hide it under a bushel so as not to distract from the case. (It’s a shame that men don’t have to consider these things.) After this scene, Phaedra is my new favorite person on the show, and she should have been all along. The woman is sheer, concentrated entertainment, and it’s easier to just enjoy it.

At Casa de Kim, baby KJ is finally settling in with his family, and Sweetie is having to pick up the slack while Kim continues to relax after the exhausting pregnancy and delivery. Brielle sits around sneezing on the baby and doing her damndest not to lift a finger while Sweetie contributes by washing Kim’s wigs in the kitchen sink (!) and complaining that Brielle won’t help. Kim tells her oldest daughter to be a bit more adult, to stop fighting with her little sister when Mommy’s back is turned. Brielle doesn’t seem remotely ready to start growing up; she’s more concerned with her tanning and her jeans, as Kim explains. At the end of this scene, the three ladies argue over whether the saying is “A for Effort” or “E for Effort.” Brielle thinks that, since it’s the former, the word ‘effort’ begins with an ‘A.’” The girl is thirteen years old. Suddenly, we have much bigger concerns than her unwillingness to help with chores around the house.

Phaedra enters her law office and is met with a cup of coffee from Steven in the front lobby. Making sure to point out in front of the camera that this behavior is highly uncommon, Phaedra reacts with exaggerated surprise and gratitude, exclaiming, “Steven, you are on it today!” He looks sheepish. Phaedra’s main assistant Latoya enters her inner sanctum to discuss the small matter of funds. It turns out that Latoya had to find Sheree at a hair salon to ask for the $5,000 retainer fee that Phaedra’s requiring (apparently a rock-bottom price on which they’re not making a profit at all). Sheree didn’t have the check. Phaedra’s understandably upset that her assistant is having to act like a courier service and that Sheree’s not paying up even though the fee is reduced. Right on cue, a dude named Brandon walks in huffing and puffing to announce that he just waited like a ninja in different buildings around town for hours at a time to strike at Sheree and demand the money. She finally handed over the check, but it doesn’t make sense for it to have taken so long. Phaedra reveals to viewers that Sheree has a reputation in Atlanta for not paying her lawyer fees, but she hopes things will be different from now on. We’ll see how that pans out.

Back at Kim’s, her strange parents come over to meet the baby, and they can’t stop playing with him and cooing over him and poking and prodding while Brielle mopes and preens and the little doggie poos on the carpet to demonstrate his jealousy. Kim’s dad, always vying for his rightful spot in the stale, casino-carpeted arena of reality television stardom, brashly asks his daughter if KJ squeezes on her boobs while he feeds. Kroy doesn’t look amused, but Kim is used to such queries and laughs him off. All the adults then turn to Brielle to warn her that she’s gotta start shaping up soon and doing more to help out around the house. I say someone get this girl a book before we go shoving a broom in her hands.

In the courtroom at the start of Sheree’s proceedings, we see that Bob has shown up to represent himself. Phaedra points out how smart this is, considering his poverty claim. He’s here pretending he can’t afford a lawyer, and it’s also good that he arrived looking “like a hot mess,” she tells us. Smart guy. He’s smart enough that he knows how to represent himself and do the online research necessary to carry him, says Sheree, so he should be smart enough to find a job. It’s a good point, and I hope the judge sees through his game. Sheree’s still worried, since previous courtrooms have been packed full of Bob supporters and fans, including the judges and bailiffs. “He thinks he’s above the law,” says Sheree. I always like to see that type of person taken down.

Immediately, Bob hands the judge a petition for contempt, claiming that Sheree stole pieces of furniture that he was granted in the divorce. Having fallen for Bob’s attempt to buy more time and stall the case, the honorable judge reschedules the hearing for a future date. I’m sad the women got all dressed up, and Sheree’s supportive mom showed up, just to go home again. Phaedra walks over to Bob to get his phone number, and he walks out of the room, kissing and hugging Sheree’s mother on the way. I can’t believe she’d be so congenial with him under the circumstances. Sheree is clearly taken aback and disappointed, following Phaedra outside. In the hallway, Charles skips along and makes a face, sticking his tongue out like a child and celebrating his first strategic chess move. What a bizarre gesture. I hope he’s humiliated in court, but I’m worried he’s too smart for his own good.

At lunch with Kandi later on, Phaedra lies by answering that it went well when asked about the first day in court. As soon as Sheree arrives to join them, she sets matters straight by complaining about what a mess it was and demanding to know why they didn’t preempt Bob in filing for contempt. Phaedra is hurt and offended that Sheree would openly critique her performance in court, but she’s sort of talking herself around a bush and not really sounding very confident or specific about their next few moves. “At the end of the day, [Phaedra] was outsmarted by an ex-football player who represented himself,” Sheree tells us, looking defeated.

Kandi listens to the situation and sympathizes with Sheree, crying about her own horrible experiences with daughter Riley’s father. “The court system is rigged against women,” she says, insisting she’ll never go back to try to deal with it again. Sheree cries a bit and seems even less encouraged than before. Kandi points out how great it feels to just finally tell your man to bugger off, since you don’t need his money anymore, anyhow. I see her point and think it’s kind of a liberating approach if you’re independently wealthy, even if it lets the deadbeat off the hook. At a certain point, it really must wear on you to have to keep demanding what you’re entitled to, and it might be better to drop the drama if you can afford it. More importantly, though, I’d like to see a Lifetime movie based on this plot-line, please. At the end of it, Bob could get up from his internet research to grab a chainsaw and follow Sheree into the woods where she regularly takes her midnight run and frequently trips and falls while listening to Adele on her headphones. He could use some awful football pun while burying the evidence, and Phaedra could use the opportunity to promote her new boutique funeral services, ending the movie with a real advertisement and short PSA about child support. It’s as good as written. (All I have to do here is type “Copyright,” yes?)

NEXT WEEK: Kim and Kroy move to their big house, Sheree and Phaedra disagree some more, and Peter makes Cynthia cry for the umpteenth time.

Season 4, Episode 7: “Law By Sheree” (original airdate December 13, 2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c.

Images courtesy of John Amis and Bravo.

Tags: Bravo, Cynthia Bailey, Kandi Burruss, Kim Zolciak, NeNe Leakes, Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives, Real Housewives of Atlanta, reality, recap, Review, RHoA, Sheree Whitfield, Television

Poptimal.com’s WUN2K w/ Erin Biglow S2 Ep. 3 – GOP, X Factor, ANTM, Lohan Playboy, Alec Baldwin

December 17, 2011 by Ference, Co-Host of Poptimal.com's The Jone Dome
Filed under feature overlay, podcast

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol Review: You Say “Dubai,” I Say “Hello”

December 17, 2011 by Keith Kuramoto
Filed under feature overlay, Movies

1 Comment

The art of deception and misinformation can wield untold power. By revealing the truth, half-truths, and false truths, you can theoretically get away with just about anything. Any good drama ebbs and flows on its giving or receiving (or keeping) of information regardless of genre. Take, for instance, the trailer for Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol in which the Secretary of the IMF (Tom Wilkinson) is killed. That’s a pretty big goddamn deal and what appears to be a massive spoiler. As it happens, that is merely the tip of the iceberg that is Ghost Protocol, a delightfully twisty, turny, and thrill-packed entry in the continuous cycle of the Mission: Impossible oeuvre.

Much time has passed since Ethan Hunt’s last spy game and the years have not treated him well, as we find him neck-deep in a Russian gulag for reasons unknown. But never fear – the IMF is here. Specifically Benji (Simon Pegg) and Jane (Paula Patton) who are breaking out Ethan because they need his mad skills since, as Hunt puts it, “if they didn’t want me in there, then things must be pretty bad out here.” And bad they are. Benji and Jane’s previous op was compromised when a third party interfered with a file retrieval, but this isn’t just any file; these are nuclear launch codes. Ethan’s intel suggests a person only known as “Cobalt” as the culprit and their new mission is to break into the Kremlin and retrieve confidential files that identify and trace the whereabouts of Cobalt. When this op goes awry it is quite clear that something is rotten in Denmark. After the events at the Kremlin, the entire IMF is disavowed and the IMF Secretary hands off a new mission to Hunt, one that requires him to take down Cobalt at any cost. After the Secretary’s untimely demise, Ethan’s team is joined by Brandt (Jeremy Renner), whose analyst position doesn’t exactly make him Field Operative material; however, there is much more to Brandt than has been revealed that directly impacts Ethan in ways he could never see coming. This catch-as-catch-can team-up exemplifies the main hook of Ghost Protocol; with no IMF to back up Ethan and his team, the four are literally on their own. If a plan does not execute to the letter, they must improvise. If a gadget fails, they must roll with it. It’s this pace of desperately trying to keep up with Cobalt that propels the film’s plot in new and creative ways.

The movie is not without its share of plot holes, most glaringly a tantalizing clue about Cobalt’s past that is literally dropped at the feet of Ethan at the close of the Dubai set piece that never, ever comes up again. Equally glaring is the film’s logic, the flaws of which always tend to stick out more often in spy movies than any other genre simply because of the very nature of the story. Take for instance a clandestine meeting in Dubai which hinges on the bad guys having not seen who they are supposed to be meeting when they instead meet the IMF team sans disguises; it’s implausible to think that these skilled baddies can’t do some simple cloak-and-dagger searching and produce photos of the people our intrepid team is posing as and yet we have to take this at face value. There is also a post-script cameo that is basically pointless and would have made the Ethan/Brandt arc much more intriguing had it not been there, but it ends up being a small quibble. However, when propped up by some crazy set pieces, it all really doesn’t matter. Because this is, after all, a roller coaster ride, pure and simple. So let it be.

Where J.J. Abrams injected M:I-III with some much-needed Wake-Up Juice, so does director Brad Bird in this entry, but he ups the ante in many ways. Where the last two Missions were in many ways reliant on well-staged gun fights, Bird takes a happy left hand turn and morphs Ghost Protocol’s set pieces into awe-filled, death defying stunts rather than spraying a room with assault rifle fire. The Dubai sequence is the centerpiece of the film and is a perfect example of what the action aims to be in this go-around. Bird’s wild creativity that helped his animated films break out of their molds is also aglow in this, his first live action vehicle. Take the gulag sequence, which ends up feeling like a song and dance number that would be right at home in any musical, except this choreography involves beating the shit out of everyone. Other new additions to the franchise include Paula Patton and Jeremy Renner, who are both fine replacements for the old IMF field team, but lack the uniqueness of someone like Simon Pegg, who is so counter to what has come to be expected in a movie like this. Cruise is infectiously watchable and if you can disregard his lifestyle choices, is as good as ever in a role that he has single-handedly made his own.

All told, Ghost Protocol is the best Mission: Impossible movie to date, raising the quality bar of M:I-III while keeping what everyone knows and loves of the series. The film was intended to be a rebranding and reboot of the series and it basically accomplishes these things without throwing the baby out with the bathwater *cough-Spider-Man-cough*. With the careful guidance of Tom Cruise, the Mission: Impossible series is shaping up to be just as enduring as Bond. Maybe we can get Suri to take the reins in Mission: Impossible 14.

Images courtesy of Paramount Pictures and IMDbPro

Tags: bad robot, Brad Bird, J.J. Abrams, Jeremy Renner, Mission Impossible, Mission: Impossible 2, Paula Patton, Simon Pegg, Tom Cruise, Tom Wilkinson

Top Chef Review: Ogre, Thy Name Is Heather

December 17, 2011 by Ash Z.
Filed under Television

Ho Ho Hos: Improper Holiday Movies, Vol. 3

December 16, 2011 by Keith Kuramoto
Filed under feature overlay, Movies

1 Comment

Chestnuts on an open fire. Mistletoe above the doorway. Pepper spray at the local Walmart. Yes, the holidays are finally upon us, so it’s time to break out all those sentimentally delightful songs and movies that bring cheered spirits, glad tidings and…boobs? Yeah, sometimes boobs. After all, those are the earmarks of a really good holiday movie. The ones that percolate just above the surface of the badass that is Jimmy Stewart and his Wonderful Life. The outliers. This (bi)weekly-ish column aims to have your holiday goose gander at Christmas movies that some might consider inappropriate, but always manage to light some holiday cheer.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

“I shot him with a small revolver. I keep it near my balls.”

Not exactly typical dialogue for a Christmas movie and yet Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is filled with these zingers as well as appropriate amounts of holiday merriment, albeit shown from a parallax view of that soul sucking city of legend, Los Angeles. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a film noir disguised as a Christmas movie disguised as a film noir and, like any kid on the eve of returning back to school, you’re only sad when it’s over.

The opening images of the film are startling in that the last time we saw Robert Downey, Jr. treading water at a Christmas party in the superficiality of L.A., it was twenty years prior in Less Than Zero, a less than perfect –but nevertheless still-mesmerizing — adaptation of one of the greatest American novels of the last fifty years. Hell, even the mansion that the party is held in looks like the same one from that hedonistic film and I’m sure that’s no coincidence. Now though, Downey looks as if he has been put through the meat grinder, out of place and bemoaning in a nouvelle-noir voice-over of how last Christmas was world-changing, or, as his character Harry so succinctly puts it, “now I go to parties where if a girl is named Jill, she spells it J-y-l-l-e; that bullshit? Welcome to L.A. Welcome to the party.”

As of late, Harry was once a small time crook on the east coast who, when a particular holiday robbery is botched, gets shot in the arm and accidentally stumbles into an audition that becomes real when the read-through scene serendipitously speaks to what has just unfolded in Harry’s real world. Now, based off of that fucked-out audition, Harry has been brought to Los Angeles to screen test for the movie in question, with the help of Gay Perry (Val Kilmer), a consultant that the production company has hired, also for the film in question. So is Gay Perry actually gay? “Gay? Oh, no. I’m knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much I can’t get rid of it.” So, Yes is the answer to that question. Perry is also a private detective who the producers hope will drop some pearls of wisdom onto Harry and prep him for his big screen debut.

Enter Harmony (Michelle Monaghan), small town girl with big city dreams who read copious amounts of pulp fiction featuring Johnny Gossamer, private dick, as a child which helped develop her acting bug. Turns out Harry and Harmony used to be friends when they were kids and by some simple twist of fate, they are at the same Christmas party. Things start well but end badly for that rekindled relationship, but it’s nothing that Harry can tend to at the moment, because he has a date with Gay, one that has them witness to a car they are tailing suddenly careen into a lake. Perry is able to save a girl from the sinking auto, but she is already quite dead. When two ski-masked men enter the picture and Perry realizes he has been hired to witness a murder, things escalate rather quickly for the newbie actor and the private dick.

Things really heat up exponentially when Harry finds out from the police that Harmony has killed herself, only to find her at his doorstep hours later. It was, in fact, Harmony’s sister who committed suicide and found with Harmony’s ID on her. Believing that Harry is a real detective and that her sister did not take her own life, she asks for his help to find her sister’s killer, to which he reluctantly agrees. Could it be that this case and the lady in the lake are somehow connected? Definitely. How are they connected? That’s not as clear and that’s the fun of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Loosely based on Bodies Are Where You Find Them, a novel by Brett Halliday, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is thrust into the modern age with an assist from writer/director Shane Black, the brains behind Lethal Weapon, Monster Squad, and the upcoming Iron Man 3. Black’s writing is nothing if not engaging and edgy and his take on the Film Noir genre is an unforgettable one. “I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a Crunch Club,” says one particular Marlowe-esque line of Harry voice-over upon crawling out of a dirty lake. There are severed appendages. There are nail-biting shootouts. There is a flying coffin. And yet, it is still one hell of a Christmas movie. It’s one of those films where everything just sort of magically works. The performances are all pitch-perfect, it’s photographed beautifully, the production design is accurate, and (of course) the script is fantastic.

Historically, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is important in that it is the watershed moment that put Downey, Jr. back on the map for most people. The picture didn’t take in a boat load of money, but given the various peaks and valleys of his career, to turn in a performance in a movie like this, seemingly out of nowhere, made people remember what a capable and stupidly talented artist he is. Doubly for Shane Black, who went AWOL for seven years after his previous project before showing the world once again what a humble badass he can be. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang starts with Harry Lockhart committing petty robbery in the hopes of making seasons bright and it ends with him solving a murder mystery, saving numerous lives, and reclaiming some semblance of a normal life. If that’s not a Merry Christmas, then I don’t know what is.

Keep checking Poptimal for more of Keith’s unconventional holiday movie recommendations.

For more movie reviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Warner Bros. Entertainment and IMDbPro

Tags: Christmas, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Less Than Zero, Michelle Monaghan, Robert Downey Jr., Shane Black, Val Kilmer

The X Factor Review: Steve Attempts Humor, Paula Wanders Off, and Marcus Goes Home

December 16, 2011 by Kelley Lynn
Filed under Feature, feature overlay, Television

9 Comments

This week was the semi-finals on The X Factor, and to celebrate, robotic, serial-killer host Steve Jones attempted humor several times. Jokes. Comedy. Of course, since he is made out of steel, paper-clips, and violence, he failed miserably each time, which made it really fun to watch. The show began with a reminder of young Rachel Crow: by showing her elimination last week, and then her sobbing for a half hour like a lunatic. But let’s be fair. She was probably crying like a lunatic because she was about to be murdered by Steve Jones. Either that, or it’s because she is 13 years old. Either way, this week she was most likely watching from the inside of a dungeon somewhere with the other rejects who also were sent home. Jones will have them taken care of later. Right now, as he says, we need to move on, move on . . .

After listening to Rachel sob, Steve Jones entered the stage while making a creepy “X” sign with his arms around his chest. He then tried to sound excited and enthused about the semi-finals, but once again came across like he was yelling. At the introduction of the judges, the audience booed Nicole since she and her non-functioning brain were the reason Rachel got the boot last week. Simon laughed at this; and Nicole gave her typical, life is a lollipop response with: “It has made me stronger. God is good.” GAG!!!

At this point, Jones ordered the viewers at home to follow along on “TWITTUH” (that’s Twitter for non-Wales robots) with the hashtag #facethemusic. Originally, he wanted to go with #IWillKillYou, but the producers said no. So he killed them. Finally, Jones explained that this week, the Top 4 acts would sing two songs. The first would be The Pepsi Challenge, i.e., a song chosen by America. Supposedly, we the viewer voted on songs for each contestant to sing. This must have taken place on TWITTUH, because I knew nothing about it. Whatever the case, let us begin, because we are already running low on time. Jones doesn’t like it when I type too much . . .

Marcus Canty: In the Pepsi Challenge Round, America chose the cheesy, romantic “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men. Marcus started out by crooning, “this is for that special lady” (gag!), then presented a white rose as he walked along the edge of the stage, singing and serenading the drooling tweens in the crowd. Meanwhile, the background was even more ridiculous, featuring a stage filled with heavy fog and dancing women dressed in lingerie. Nothing wrong with this performance vocally, if you can get through the major yuck-hacky-romantic factor. Paula told him once again that he is “the entertainer of this competition.” Okay Paula. You are starting to use the same comments over and over. Go home and write down what you say. Then come back with a new comment each week. That’s your homework. If you do good, you get a gold star. If not, you die at the hand of Jones. Simon did not like the performance, and L.A. Raisin For A Head Reid shot back with, “it takes great taste to know great taste.” Jones interrupted and told us to vote using TWITTUH.

Round Two was even more bizarre, and made Round One look like genius. Singing Wham!’s “Careless Whisper,” Canty looked like a cruise ship waiter in his white tuxedo-style suit. The version of this song that they chose can only be described as . . . well . . . awful. It was as if an incredibly bad 1980′s techno band did a cover of the song and only had 7 minutes to create it. A quick shot of L.A. Reid showed his eraser-head shaking back and forth like the white man with no rhythm that’s living inside him. Meanwhile, Canty, who CAN dance, was made to stand in place while ridiculously bad dancers moved all around him in this terrible choreography. It made little sense. Nicole told him, “You did your thing!” (which is the most meaningless comment of all time), while Simon agreed with me; “That was horrific. That was a joke.” Reid ignored him and called Marcus a “champion.” Jones moved a couple of bodies into a dumpster backstage.

After Marcus performed, Steve Jones read a few of America’s tweets from TWITTUH. One referred to L.A. Reid as “L.A. Rude,” so Jones repeatedly called Reid “Rude” for the next 5 minutes, trying to be funny. He failed.

Chris Rene: In the Pepsi Challenge round, I couldn’t understand one damn thing Chris sang during the first verse of this song. It sounded like “bleh eh eh doodoodeedadada eh eh yeah yeah oh oh buh beh ” . . . after that, it got a lot better. The song America chose was “Fly” by Sugar Ray, and I would give this performance somewhere around a B. There were odd vanilla, boring dancers surrounding him. They tried to dress him conservatively again, with bizarre hair. Everything going on in the background was complete nonsense. Chris is always best when he does his own original material, so while this was pretty good, it wasn’t even close to his best. Nicole, who was wearing some sort of curtain as a dress, said “You make us feel great!” Simon didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. Reid said “Keep doing what you’re doing” and Paula is pointless since she has no contestants left in this game. Steve Jones put his arm on Rene’s back so he could point his gun while he told him “good job” unconvincingly.

Round Two was 100% turnaround, with Alicia Keys’ “No One,” which Rene put a twist on by starting at the piano, then ending the second half of the song with a more upbeat, faster version. There was a lot of emotion in this performance, as Chris was doing it for his late father, who passed away of cancer before Rene had the chance to make him proud. Really spirited, soulful performance. Nicole continued her cheesefest comments with “Your spirit transcends across the universe! You make me believe, and then we believe, I believe, you believe, that we believe, and I believe, you believe, and we believe. I believe!” WTF are you talking about, woman??? Paula said simply, “I love you.” Even more awkward was the completely forced HUG that Steve Jones randomly gave to Chris Rene, pushing his robotic body onto his and hugging him creepily. Where the hell did THAT come from???

Melanie Amaro: There is really not too much to say about this girl anymore, since she is technically, vocally pretty much perfect every single week. Sometimes I would like to see a tad more passion out of her performances, but then other times, she moves me. This was one of those times. On Mariah Carey’s “Hero,” Amaro looked and sounded stunning. Reid said he didn’t feel her usual passion, and Simon called her performance “bloody fantastic.” Steve Jones rushed the others through their comments, and Melanie barely said a word, leaving her Miss Cleo impression inside for now.

Round Two was even better, since Simon chose to give Melanie an old classic, jazzy song so that she would be giving a different kind of performance than normal. The song choice was Michael Buble’s “Feelin Good.” This performance was jazzy, bluesy, upbeat, passionate, and her last note was quite brilliant.

Josh Krajcik: I FINALLY figured out who Josh looks like and reminds me of when he gets that insane, constipated look on his face while passionately singing. Are you ready? JACK BLACK! Watch him next time. He has those same crazy-ass eyes as Black does when acting or when singing with Tenacious D. Whew! That’s been on my mind forever; glad I figured it out. As for the song choice, it was great. The Beatles “Come Together” is a perfect tempo and attitude for Josh, and he did a fine job with it. Prune-head Reid said “You made a great return!” Paula offered, “I’d pay anything to see you perform!” (Really Paula? Anything?) Nicole randomly pointed out to Simon that the insane look in Josh’s eyes was “the look of steel, honey!” HUH??? Yeah. That’s what Simon said too. Well, more specifically, he said: “What the hell are you talking about, Nicole?” Steve Jones bluntly interupted by screaming: “If you want to vote on TWITTUH, PLEASE wait until the END OF THE SHOW!!!” Okay Jones. We will. Chill out.

In Round Two, Krajcik took on the song that has been taken on at LEAST once per season on every single vocal competition show on planet earth, “Hallelujah.” That being said, his version was quite beautiful, powerful, and very soulful. Playing the piano for the first time on the show, Josh brought out all the stops for the last song of the night. Once again, three notes in and Nicole was holding her chest and fake-crying. (There are never any tears. She just always has the cry-face. It’s fake. ) Reid thought the song “lacked excitment.” Paula , who was crying real tears, asked Reid “How can you say that? You’re the one to beat.” Simon loved it too, and thought it would for sure get him into the finals, and Nicole babbled on and on about Josh being a “gift” to the world. Steve Jones got pissed and cut everyone off. I think I saw blood on his shirt sleeve, but I can’t prove it.

ELIMINATION SHOW:

The start of the results show had Jones entering with a creepy smile, as the cracked-out, hopped up on coffee audience unexplainably cheered and clapped INSANELY at absolutely nothing. They would not shut up. It was so loud, you could barely hear Jones reminding us that there would be no “singing for survival” this week; this was purely based on America’s votes.

At one point during the show, after the first two of the Top 3 finalists were revealed as Chris and Melanie, Paula randomly got up and left the judges’ table. Suddenly, she was wandering around backstage where the two finalists were standing. She was there to congratulate them, of course, but she looked lost and confused. It was hilarious. Even funnier was how much this frazzled and baffled Steve Jones. He simply couldn’t handle this bit of “improv.” Again, he tried to deliver some humor, but he ended up sounding like a raging lunatic as he yelled: “GET OUT OF MY SHOT, PAULA!” Then, when L.A. Reid also appeared backstage and Jones tried to ask him a question, he got extremely impatient when Reid couldn’t hear what he was asking. “I’ll try this again . . . ” he kept saying angrily as he repeated his question over and over. He was seconds away from commiting a murder live on television.

After this, Nicole sang a dumb song about no longer wanting to be pretty. It was silly. “I don’t wanna be pretty no more,” she growled. Awww poor Nicole.

In the end, it came down to Josh and Marcus, whom Jones told us were not necessarily the bottom two. Whatever. This time, Marcus Canty went home. Add him to the list of contestants awaiting the violence of Jones.

NEXT WEEK: The finale. This is it! The winner of the $5million dollar contract is announced, and the losers will be killed onstage – LIVE! – as Steve Jones drops bowling balls down onto their heads, one by one.

Who do you want to win??? Do you think Rachel is still at home crying? Did Drew join a religious cult? Is Leroy Bell just as boring at home as he was on TV? Who will win the prize, and get to live? Find out next week . . .

Season 1, Episodes 23 and 24 (originally aired December 14th and December 8th, 2011)

X Factor airs Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on FOX. For more X Factor reviews, click here.

Photos courtesy of xfactorusa.com

Tags: Chris Rene, Florence and the Machine, Hallelujah, Josh Krajcik, LA Reid, Marcus Canty goes home, Melanie Amaro, Nicole sings, Paula Abdul, pepsi challenge songs, Simon Cowell, x factor semi-finals, x factor top 3

Glee Review: Have Yourself An Extraordinary Merry Christmas

December 16, 2011 by Inisia Lewis
Filed under feature overlay, Television

3 Comments

Twenty minutes into the episode and it became evident that this week’s “Extraordinary Merry Christmas” would be polarizing, but as I often am, I fell on the enchanted end of the spectrum. The episode truly was a special kind of Glee and a style change we are not likely to see again anytime soon. Tina set up the show early on, claiming that this year’s Christmas would be merrier than the last. “Last Christmas was super sad. Kurt was at another school, Coach Sylvester trashed everything, and Artie got a pair of magic legs that broke the next day. We were the island of misfit toys,” she said. But would the glee club truly be able to embody the spirit and meaning of the holiday?

I would have bet on it after the opening number where Mercedes kicked things off with a giddy, sassy version of “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” as the club erroneously decorated the already fully decorated choir room. I didn’t know a single girl growing up that didn’t love that song (though guys would usually rather chop off their ears), and year after year it manages to make me smile, ear to ear, while pretending I can actually hit a high E. But, alas, I spoke to soon. Rachel only seemed to care about what amazing gifts Finn would get her from her own pre-thought out list. And when Schue accepted an offer for the club to put on their own televised holiday special for their PBS affiliates (they could no longer afford to play the Yule Log much to Puck’s disappointment), all Director Artie cared about was an agenda of fluffy, happy stories of Christmas. (Totally okay! But there’s also the significance of giving to others less fortunate and being thankful. It took awhile for the kids to get to that point.) Even Sue seemed more charitable, serving food to the homeless while Artie, Blaine, Kurt and the others chucked the charity for the TV show.

Sam and Rory seemed to have the right idea. The two bonded over missing their long distance families, and since Finn’s been slacking, Sam took him under his wings to show him how the holiday is done in the U.S. and invites him to spend it with his family. Rory even got a chance at another solo with “Blue Christmas,” you know, one of those depressing X-mas songs that Artie just couldn’t appreciate. It was nothing compared to Artie’s inspirations, the Star Wars Holiday Special or the Judy Garland Show’s Christmas special. Rachel didn’t learn from Rory’s earlier mistake, and tackled an even darker, more “emotional” song, “River,” to which Artie said he’d banish her from the production if she couldn’t pick a more upbeat number. The idea that she wouldn’t be invited to Kurt and Blaine’s fake Swiss Alps chalet was devastating.

Not like she deserved to be invited to Blaine and Kurt’s chalet after totally mistreating Finn, who not only got her a gift but in enough time to give it to her when she demanded it early. Who cares if it was an African sou meant to be fattened and slaughtered for the underfed of Africa? Christmas isn’t about romance or bling. It’s about charity!

Artie has become quite the embolden director, but even if I didn’t whole-heartedly support his approach, the whole throwback 50s and 60s variety feel of the episode within an episode was fun and surprising. The black and white, breaking the fourth wall, the inviting “home” atmosphere and the cheesy, easy jokes were all completely charming. From the opening moments of the special, not once was there a break in character or the actual show. We were transported to a new world where it was all about Christmas, and I loved every abnormal moment. The writers took the time to treat us, those loyal fans, to a real “special.” (Kind of like the fantastic trio that recently aired on Syfy of Eureka, Warehouse 13 and Haven.) Anyone could have skipped this episode and jumped back in after the winter hiatus and missed nothing. This was a stand-alone that just happened to air a mere one week after a midseason finale instead of a few months, if not more.

Of course, no good holiday special should end without learning something important about mankind and contributing something, anything good to the world. For our glee kids, it was joining Sue, Sam and Quinn (more reformed by the day) at the soup kitchen and singing a song (“Do They Know It’s Christmas”) to bring cheer to the homeless. They even brought the real Turkey from their set, and just in time, since the kitchen was running out of food. For Rachel, it was apologizing to Finn and admitting that loving him and her pig, newly-named Barbara, is all she needs for Christmas. By that point though, he’d already also bought her a star, which he named after himself since she’s already one, and those bling earrings. In the end, the two decide to hock their gifts (Rachel had gotten Finn an iPod), donate it to charity and join Sam and Rory on the cold street to ring some Salvation Army bells and collect some cash for a good cause.

Now that Glee has been wrapped up with a nice red bow, what was the best moment of the episode and the year so far? Sam and Rory really played a more central role this week. How do you think they did? I love getting into the Christmas spirit with some good songs. What was your favorite? Sound off below. Have yourself a merry, little Christmas, Poptimal readers. And happy holidays to all the rest!

THE SONGS
“All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey. Sung by Mercedes and New Directions. A-
“Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley. Sung by Rory Flanagan. B+
“River” by Joni Mitchell. Sung by Rachel Berry. B+
“Extraordinary Merry Christmas,” a Glee original. Sung by Blaine and Rachel. A-
“Let It Snow” by Vaughn Monroe. Sung by Blaine and Kurt. A-
“My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. Sung by Rachel, Mercedes, Kurt and Blaine. B+
“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Sung by Puck, Finn, Mercedes, Rachel and Blaine. B+
“Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses. Sung by Brittany. B
“Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid. Sung by New Directions. A-

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Kurt moisturizing in the locker room while all the other guys talk ladies.
Finn: But like the song says, all I want for Christmas is you.
Rachel: Aw, all I want for Christmas is you too – and five things on that list. I love you.
Finn: Holy crap. I’m dating Kim Kardashian.
“Wheels, Porcelain and Other Gay, the Yuletide is upon us and everyone knows Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time.” – Sue to Artie, Kurt and Blaine, respectively.
“Now, Christmas isn’t just a time when Jewish kids get slightly uncomfortable and dwarves get jobs as Santa’s helpers in demeaning non-union commercials that make them quietly die inside…” – Sue
“You said you considered homeless people urban campers.” – Artie to Sue
“Stumbles, Gelfing, Young Burt Reynolds.” – Sue to Artie, Kurt and Blaine respectively, again.
“I made plans to shoot reindeer with Sarah Palin but she canceled. Apparently Todd gets fussy when she misses his ballet recitals.” – Sue
“Brit and her family are going on a trip to see a gay Santa. Something about Santa Fe.” – Rory
“I am absolutely delighted that our channel’s Christmas special is being directed by a teenage, disabled boy. You’re like a modern day Tiny Tim. Oh, I am sorry. Tiny Tim could walk.” – Don Barowski, Lima PBS affiliate station manager.
“Sorry, Sam. The phrase is ‘Merry Christmas.’ Not ‘Morose Christmas.’” – Artie
Sam, all hot an indignant with the group, because he knows what it’s like to be without.
“Christmas is all about giving and Artie certainly wouldn’t be in the Christmas spirit if he didn’t let me give my talents to the people of Western Ohio. At least the ones who don’t have cable.” – Rachel
“The homeless will be homeless for a while. That’s sort of the problem, isn’t it?” – Santana
“This is my, um, best friend and holiday roommate, Blaine Anderson.” – Kurt’s introduction of Blaine on the special.
Could it be? I actually like an original song the first time around? Though most likely that’s because Christmas songs give free reign to be as cheesy as possible. (“Extraordinary Merry Christmas”)
Brittany’s other hidden talent, the fact that she’d be a fantastic rhythmic gymnast. Those effortless ribbon flicks! (“Christmas Wrapping”)
“We thought we heard Santa Claus. But with the climate change and end times, we don’t think Santa’s coming to town.” – Rachel
Rory being the central catalyst to reminding the club what’s really important. Go Damian McGinty!

Season 3, Episode 9: “Extraordinary Merry Christmas” (originally aired December 13, 2011)

Glee airs Tuesdays at 8 ET/PT on Fox.

Images by Adam Rose and FOX.

Tags: Amber Riley, Chord Overstreet, Chris Colfer, Christmas, Cory Monteith, Darren Criss, Dianna Agron, fox, Glee, Harry Shum Jr., Heather Morris, holiday, Jane Lynch, Jenna Ushkowitz, Kevin McHale, Lea Michele, Mark Salling, Matthew Morrison, Naya Rivera, special

The Amazing Race Finale Review: Not Much Of A Race

December 14, 2011 by Gabe Callahan
Filed under Television

Psych Winter Finale Contest

December 14, 2011 by Stephanie Jaar
Filed under feature overlay, Free Stuff, Television

4 Comments

Nothing about Psych is ordinary, so you can bet that these cool prizes we’re giving away for the show’s winter finale are truly one of a kind! Fans have the opportunity to win one of two prize packs:

A first place winner will receive a Psych Snuggie and toaster that – wait for it – burns the image of a pineapple onto your toast!

The second place winner will receive a prize pack including Psych: The Complete 5th Season on DVD along with a t-shirt and more!

Here’s How to Win (No Purchase Necessary)

1. Post your comments to at least one (1) of our front page articles.

2. Email your name, email address and the name of the post you commented on to contests@poptimal.com. Put “Psych Winter Finale Contest” in the subject line.

3. For an additional entry, tweet us (@Poptimal) with: “I’m #PSYCH-O for Lassie because _______ #LassieChat http://bit.ly/PsychChttr” and then don’t miss out on the chance to take part in a chat with Tim Omundson during the finale!

4. Wait. The winner* will be notified after December 22, 2011.

*Contest open to residents of the U.S. only.

The season finale of Psych airs TONIGHT, Dec. 14th at 10/9c on USA Network. For all your Psych-O needs, follow the show’s Facebook page.

The prize was provided by USA Network, but USA Network is not a sponsor, administrator, or involved in any other way with this giveaway.

Tags: Burton Guster, contest, Dule Hill, Free Stuff, giveaway, gus, James Roday, psych, Shawn Spencer, Tim Omundson, toaster, USA Network

The Amazing Race Review: Fumbled So Close to the Finish

December 14, 2011 by Keshaunta Moton
Filed under feature overlay

1 Comment

On the season finale of The Amazing Race, Jeremy and Sandy run off course, Ernie and Cindy work like a machine and Marcus and Amani drop the ball just short of home. And while I go look up my sports analogies, here’s the rundown of this week’s episode.

The beginning of the leg starts off the confessionals with the teams. Sandy/Jeremy talk about how their goal for this leg is to be perfect and work together. Cindy calls this race the ultimate premarital counseling and that it’s been a strong bonding experience. Marcus/Amani are in last place as we begin but say that they’ve made it to the Super Bowl and are going to rally together to win this. Last week, we saw as the teams worked together (albeit unwillingly) to oust Andy/Tommy. This week, the camaraderie is over as it’s every team for themselves to the million dollars. Jeremy sums this up by saying that there are “no more friends right now.”

For the final leg of the race the teams are told to head to Atlanta, Georgia. Jeremy/Sandy and Ernie/Cindy are bummed about this because Atlanta is the home of Marcus and Amani. Marcus/Amani for their part are excited, not only to have the “home field advantage” but because going to Atlanta will put them closer to their children. All the teams are on the same flight and arrive to Atlanta in search of Flight Safety International, the location named in their clue.

Jeremy/Sandy are lucky enough to get a taxi driver who knows where he’s going so they don’t waste too much time trying to figure it out. Marcus/Amani get the address from some guy in the airport and give it to their taxi driver which puts them on their way. Cindy and Ernie are the last to arrive at the training facility. In this task the teams must serve as pilot and co-pilot in a flight simulator to successfully land a plane. Jeremy and Sandy make it through the first time with Jeremy as pilot. Ernie and Cindy have to do the course a second time when they go so slow that the plane falls out the sky. On their second go, Cindy maintains airspeed and they make it through.

This challenge seems like a cakewalk… that is until Marcus and Amani get their shot at the controls. Marcus doesn’t like flying, and I don’t know if that has any bearing on his ability to serve as captain of a simulated plane. I’d buy this excuse if Marcus’ problem was in the short time of flight and not the part after landing when he couldn’t stay on the runway. They run off the runway again and again, having to start the challenge over. Marcus gets frustrated by his inability to stay on course, but Amani remains calm and tells him she believes in him and then they start over once again. They’re on this challenge for the seventh time and by this point they are out of the race as the other teams have long moved on, so we’ll just leave them here.

Jeremy/Sandy and Ernie/Cindy are still in this race and are traveling on to the “former residence known as ‘The Dump’” which is the home of Margaret Mitchell. Jeremy/Sandy ask a local who tells them where to find “The Dump” which is a local home improvement store, unluckily named. This is, of course, not the correct place, so when Jeremy/Sandy run around looking for the clue they turn up empty. It takes them a while to figure out this isn’t right and by this time Ernie/Cindy have, with the help of a phone operator, made it to Margaret Mitchell’s former house.

In the car, Ernie/Cindy tell us what they think about their competition. Ernie says that losing to the boys (Andy/Tommy) would be one thing, but losing to any other team would be like losing to his brother. For some reason I doubt that’s what he meant to say, maybe it’s hesitation, the look on his face or the slightly contemptuous tone of his voice. For a moment I’m willing to accept this explanation, because I like to live in a fantasy world but then Cindy opens her mouth and dashes that saying it’s “like losing it to the ‘C’ student.” I suppose that in a way I can see where she’s coming from, they have run a tighter ship this race than the other teams, but seeing as how said other teams have been pretty consistent all the way through I refuse to let this insult just lie. This girl’s annoying. There, it’s said, and I’m moving on.

Inside the house Ernie is faced with the task of typing out their clue on an old-school typewriter. As an added difficulty there is no key for the number “1” and the teams have to substitute the lowercase letter “l” in it’s place.

Ernie is not the best typist in the world and has to start over several times. That’s okay though, seeing as how at this point Jeremy/Sandy are still slumming it in “The Dumps.” Ernie is a little stumped by the missing “1” at first, but by checking the typeface of each letter he sees the l and figures out to use that. He and Cindy are gone before Jeremy/Sandy arrive.

Seeing as how this is the last challenge, the teams are confronted with a memory challenge to retrace their steps along the race. Even without notes, Cindy/Ernie get it right the first time and are quickly through on their way to the pit stop. Jeremy/Sandy are actually pretty close behind them, but because they miss one of the countries while jotting across the map, they lose some time which they desperately need to catch up. They have another chance though when Ernie/Cindy are on their way to the pit stop.

Even though their driver has GPS, Ernie/Cindy can’t seem to make it to the pit stop. For some reason they just keep circling around it while the driver’s GPS says “Recalculating.” This is frustrating to no end I’m sure, as Cindy/Ernie are just steps away from the million dollars but can’t seem to lock it in just yet. After a while though, they finally find the pit stop and as the first to arrive are announced the winners of The Amazing Race. All the eliminated teams are back again, cheering them on and there’s a celebration where Cindy/Ernie give their reflections on the journey. I’m so disgusted by this point, my TV’s on mute so I can only assume it’s something like ‘oh, this race brought us so much closer together.’ Whatever, I’ve switched channels by then.

For more on this episode, check out Not Much Of A Race by Gabe Callahan.

Season 19, Episode 12: “Go Out And Get It Done” (original airdate December 11, 2011)

Image courtesy of Sonja Flemming and Jeffrey R. Staab/CBS

Tags: Adventure, Phil Keoghan, reality, reality competition, The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race 19, travel

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Glee Review: Have Yourself An Extraordinary Merry Christmas

The Amazing Race Finale Review: Not Much Of A Race

Psych Winter Finale Contest

The Amazing Race Review: Fumbled So Close to the Finish

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