The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: White Bread

At long last, Kim looks prepared to give birth to the child that has plagued her so; she, Kroy, and Sweetie rush into the car to see the good doctor. Chomping on a bagel with cream cheese in the front seat, Kim looks relatively calm at present. Upon their arrival, the family seeks advice from Dr. Hood, who tells the expectant mother that she has preeclampsia and a lot of fluid built up, so they’ll have to break her water and deliver the baby today. The way he delivers the news is a bit dramatic and scary, but these may be slight complications for all I know. Once Dr. Hood is out of the room, Kim admits she’s sick to her stomach. She tells Kroy not to be mad at her when she starts being mean and cursing during labor, not to take her seriously when she insults him. He’s pretty obedient, so he makes a mental note and follows his beloved back into the car, where she berates him endlessly for not being more ostentatious with his anxiety. Even though he’s driving with one hand and using the other to shake a small orange juice bottle with the frantic, frenetic energy of a million bobbleheads on speed, Kroy doesn’t look sufficiently nervous about what’s going to take place once they reach the delivery center. He insists that he doesn’t manifest his emotions in a typical way, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t concerned. Kim is not convinced. I don’t get why she wants both of them indisposed in inconsolable angst when it’d be nicer to have at least one of them remain sane and calm.

Now we join Cynthia and Peter in a closet, where Cynthia packs a bag to take to New York City for a short trip. Peter starts telling her how excited he is for her to travel to her old town and get work done. He’s really happy to see her excited about what she’s doing and taking a trip on her own to take care of business. At first, I wonder why Cynthia wears a somewhat hurt and guilty expression while Peter speaks, and then I realize that was just his coded way of telling her she’d better behave and not have any fun, since ladies probably use business trips as an excuse to be more slutty. Cynthia jumps immediately to her own defense, telling her husband that NeNe is coming, too (to babysit), and that they’’ll be working the whole time. When Cynthia mentions her scheduled meeting with Russell Simmons, whom she dated at the age of 18, Peter looks none too thrilled, but at least he waits until the cameras leave before really laying into her.

Over at Chateau Sheree, the woman herself meets with her mother Thelma to discuss the Bob situation. As it turns out, the guy actually went to Stanford and studied stuff before playing in the NFL for 14 years, so my apologies for stereotyping him as an egghead athlete based on his choice of career, mumbling persona, and stubborn inability to see the logic behind his obligations to his children. Also, it sounds like there’s a chance he might actually be almost as broke as he claims to be, since Sheree mentions he was unable to feed the kids on his own the last time they went to visit, opting instead to use a gift card that Sheree had purchased with her own money. Though her mom advises her to go straight to court like she did years ago with Sheree’s father, Sheree doesn’t want to drag her children into the headline news. To underscore the gravity of Bob’s neglect, Sheree’s mom reminds her that she never knew her own father, and that the only memory she has of him is waiting in vain for him to gift her a Speak & Spell each Christmas and birthday that passed by. The story succeeds in getting Sheree emotional and crying and prompting her to resolve to keep Bob accountable for the sake of her kids. “I want to break the cycle,” Sheree tells us.

NeNe and Cynthia arrive in NYC, check into a huge, fancy suite, and look around while expressing their excitement about the trip. NeNe sees a bunch of imaginary bugs in the room; I wonder if she has to be critical about at least one thing in any given situation, no matter how ideal. NeNe announces that she has a business meeting set up with a the owner of a pizza place, someone she met while doing Celebrity Apprentice.

Looking sharp as always, Phaedra walks into a courtroom to represent a young man named Dave in front of a judge who’s known her for awhile and is usually sympathetic. Despite the fact that the client arrives late, admits to his crimes of excessive car window tint and possession of marijuana (with prior offenses), and chuckles that he wouldn’t be able to pass a drug test were he administered one right now, the guy gets off with a sixteen-hundred-dollar fine and no jail time. The judge mentions that his one and only reason for leniency in this case is the fact that Phaedra has defended Dave and put herself on the line for him, since she believes he can change his ways. Just when I start to feel warm and fuzzy about Phaedra’s line of work, watching her be all maternal toward her client and seeing how willing she is to help him avoid being locked up and discarded, I see Dave peel off a few bills from his cash stack and hand them to Phaedra in the parking lot next to his still-tinted ride, and then it all makes sense again.

In New York, Russell Simmons and Cynthia Bailey sit down to talk shop. Conveniently, the mogul’s desk holds piles of whatever his latest book is, and Cynthia takes time to pick one up and look it over so that he can mention it’s a bestseller. They flirt a bit and joke about his (nonexistent, gray) hair, Cynthia’s voiceover telling us how much of a blast it was to date Russell. “It’s like a rollercoaster,” she says, and I believe her. The man seems very whimsical and ADD, like a child or a really imaginative person. I’m inclined to dislike him because of his dating habits. Also, because this: Russell brings up the rumors that he cheated on Cynthia while they dated, only for the purpose of reprimanding Cynthia for spreading them. “You did cheat!” she says, in response to his claim that it’s all a vicious lie. “That was twenty years ago,” Russell responds, finally admitting that it happened. He apparently thought he could rewrite history and convince Cynthia she was hallucinated all those years ago, but he failed to realize he lacks the psychological power over her that Peter holds in his magic bully wand.

Cynthia brings up The Bailey Agency, her modelling school, and Russell sort of laughs dismissively at the name. Then, he tells her she probably shouldn’t encourage those homely Southern girls to fill their silly heads with impossible dreams of one day being beautiful enough to walk down the runway. He doesn’t “think it’s fair” to raise the hopes of “short, heavyset” girls who definitely won’t make it in the industry. Thinking on her feet, Cynthia says maybe some of them can go into acting or the hair and makeup field. Russell wants to know why she doesn’t just refer to the place as a finishing school and not a modelling agency. Cynthia then pretends that she planned the place as a “general school for everything” entertainment-related, which is not true, as far as we know. I don’t want to imply that her enterprise doesn’t have legs, but I’m thinking Cynthia’s a bit too suggestible this far in the game. She takes all of Russell’s advice, since he flatters her and tells her she doesn’t age at all and that he’d ask her out if only she weren’t married. She teases him for only liking much younger girlfriends, and he replies with an impish smile that he can’t help being insecure and needing validation from “pretty women.” Well, he sure does have a way with this one. Before Cynthia leaves, Russell tells her to call her business Bailey School of Fashion so it can be a catch-all for all kinds of fashion careers. She consents, because if he’d mentioned cotton candy, she’d have turned the place into a carnival.

Upon entering her house where her son Kairo sits playing a video game, Sheree becomes aware of a court summons sitting on the table. As it turns out, Bob has decided to serve his ex-wife with papers; he wants to take her to court for a modification of child support, since he only makes $3,000 a month. I still find this very hard to believe; how is it possible? And what happened to his NFL money? Instead of leaving the room for some privacy, Sheree talks to her mom on speakerphone about the situation, three yards away from a forlorn Kairo. Sheree’s mom reminds her to stay strong and follow through on her decision to take her own case to court. Sheree’s resolve strengthened, she hangs up the phone and asks Kairo in vain to join her on a bike ride. I can’t handle how cute and shy he is. I hope she’s raising him to be a great husband one day, despite the ignorant, mean attitude displayed by his father. Sheree makes her son a sandwich on white bread with a side of cheese puffs, probably to show us how modestly they eat.

NeNe’s meets with John, owner of Famous Famiglia, for a fancy lunch. They’re planning to open Linnethia’s Lounge together, in reference to NeNe’s full name. Buttering her up and calling her a strong, passionate winner of a woman, John flatters NeNe before the whole thing flies off the hinges. The first off-putting red flag is him ordering for her when the waiter arrives, saying “A real man knows what his woman wants.” He could have meant that to be perfectly respectful and professional, so we’ll let it slide. Next, they toast to Donald Trump with champagne. Okay, fair enough; let’s give him another chance. Now, we learn that John has appropriated some of NeNe’s most urban verbal mannerisms, including the timeless “You go girl!” She’s mortified and tells us as much, admitting it’s uncomfortable hearing him try to speak in her voice. This smarmy dark-haired man then says aloud, “Believe it or not, I’m actually funny.” Having myself had to recite that exact phrase to many people over the years in my own defense, I can say with authority that if you have to tell someone as much, it’s probably not true.

NeNe looks like she might just die, and I don’t blame her, because John is pretty awful, to say the least. I promise I’m not making this up; he tries to rap for a few seconds before giving up when NeNe makes a face. She looks supremely uncomfortable, and I start feeling bad for her and wishing she had an exit plan. If NeNe can’t handle this half-hour lunch, though, she probably shouldn’t be making iron-clad plans to go into business with the guy. To NeNe’s credit, she initially attempts to turn John down when he tries to feed her with a fork, but then she gives in, and it’s sort of sad.

We start to see the tides change when NeNe is handed a blue Tiffany’s box by her companion. Instead of a diamond necklace or something else wildly inappropriate, it contains a nice silver pen (one that she’ll use to sign their first deal, John explains). She starts to soften a bit, saying the gift was thoughtful and nice. Now going outside for dessert, the couple of work partners sit down to open another present. This time, it’s a pair of stripper heels, which NeNe loves. Next, an old man from Naples emerges to serenade NeNe with an Italian song. It’s super awkward to watch, since the fact that NeNe doesn’t know Italian prevents her from enjoying it. NeNe tells us she was confused in that moment, looking around in anticipation of an engagement ring. When the man is done singing, John gives a standing ovation while NeNe laughs uneasily in her seat. “You gotta love John, because he really went for it,” she argues, much more sympathetic after receiving all those gifts. John then tells an emotional story about how the old man singer lost someone in a tragic accident and vowed never to sing again until this day. I think he must have read a really stupid book about how to superficially woo women while hiding your deficiencies and maintaining a lack of self-awareness.

In another New York restaurant, Cynthia meets her “best friend and stylist” Kithe, who has lost a lot of weight since last season. She marvels over how he’s “literally” lost an 80-pound “person,” which seems like cause for concern and maybe an Amber Alert instead of celebration. (Unless, of course, she meant the word “literally” to mean something other than what it actually does. That’s possible.) Cynthia tells Kithe that she’s so excited to be in New York City, since she needs only to smell the air outside of the airport in order to fall back in love again. He asks her how it is living with all those posers in Atlanta, those stiff and predictable label-obsessed bores. Doesn’t she miss the eclectic charm of New York? Doesn’t she miss traveling to Italy with her old gang and going to the Hamptons for vacation? Cynthia confides that it is “different” living in Atlanta, and she doesn’t wake up happy and cheery next to Peter in the morning. I appreciate her candor with Kithe, who seems supportive and genuinely concerned about Cynthia’s marriage. He reminds her that she used to be very cheery indeed, and that she needs to get her mojo back.

Cynthia starts crying when Kithe tells her not to keep pretending she’s making progress in her marriage when she’s not. She tells him that she’s constantly doing damage control to make sure things are “just okay,” but she really believes in Peter and thinks things may improve. “I made the choice to turn everything around, because I have to,” she tells the camera. I really wish she didn’t have such a tragic martyr complex, but at least she’s willing to tell Kithe that she honestly does regret ever leaving New York. Kithe tells her that she belongs in the city and she needs to stop dumbing herself down. While there may have been another way to say it, he’s right about the fact that Cynthia seems much happier and more vibrant in her element, which makes it all the more sad to see her broken up over something in Atlanta that she’ll never be able to repair.

Back at the hospital, Kim continues to suffer through contractions while trying to keep a brave face in front of her two girls, who are now in the room, in addition to Sweetie and Kroy. She doesn’t want to curse in front of her kids, she says, as if they’ve never seen her on television. The contractions look painful, but Kim is hardly reacting, still wanting to look strong for her daughters. The youngest one keeps chattering, which I’d find very annoying in that situation. Kim agrees, because she soon suggests that they go out to get something to eat. Protesting at first, Sweetie, Ariana, and Brielle finally exit before a cacophony of bleeps fills the room. Kim lets all of her swearing and moaning out at Dr. Hood arrives to deliver that monster of a baby.

I can’t believe we were lovingly spared images of the actual delivery. It seems odd that this would be the one time that Bravo decides not to tastelessly zoom in on a body part; maybe Kim requested privacy.  Kroy Jagger (KJ) is in his mother’s arms, looking impossibly cute for being fresh outta the womb. The two kids come in to see their new 8-pound baby brother, and we’re shown flashbacks of Kroy and Kim’s short courtship. Kim says she feels complete now, though she’s already told us she’ll probably have at least one more child with Kroy, despite the protests of Brielle and Ariana. I hope that child never sees this episode (or any other, for that matter) and learns that s/he was just a mostly-unwanted addition hastily tacked on to an already-complete family. In any case, my best wishes and warmest thoughts go out to the happy parents.

NEXT TIME: A special mid-week episode features NeNe combating the Charles rumors, Kim debuting her baby to the ‘rents, and Sheree and Kandi commiserating over their man woes.

Season 4, Episode 6 “Three Wigs and a Baby” (original airdate December 11, 2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Wilford Harewood, John Amis, and Bravo.

Ho Ho Hos: Improper Holiday Movies, Vol. 2

Chestnuts on an open fire. Mistletoe above the doorway. Pepper spray at the local Walmart. Yes, the holidays are finally upon us, so it’s time to break out all those sentimentally delightful songs and movies that bring cheered spirits, glad tidings and…boobs? Yeah, sometimes boobs. Those are the earmarks of a really good holiday movie. The ones that percolate just above the surface of the badass that is Jimmy Stewart and his Wonderful Life. The outliers. This (bi)weekly-ish column aims to have your holiday goose gander at Christmas movies that some might consider inappropriate, but always manage to light some holiday cheer.

Go

“You know what I like best about Christmas? The surprises,” squeaks a pre-Thetan and totally blitzed-out Katie Holmes in a scene which both begins and ends the Doug Liman romp Go, in which drugs, violence, chaos and comedy collide with Christmas to form one of the better ensemble movies of the nineties.

As Christmas closes in on a dirt-draped Los Angeles, Ronna (Sarah Polley) is about to be evicted from her apartment, unable to pay rent with her minimum-wage register jockey position at the local supermarket. Her fellow co-workers try their best to be sympathetic; the British transplant Simon Barnes (Desmond Askew) can only offer up, “They can’t evict you on Christmas! You’ll be ho-ho-homeless!” If it seems like Simon has bigger fish to fry, he does: he’s off to Vegas for the weekend with a few friends and in his absence, Adam and Zack (Scott Wolf, Jay Mohr) come around to Ronna looking to score some Ecstasy. Hoping to solve her rent woes in one fell swoop, Ronna tells the two that she can get what they need, essentially moving up the drug food chain without permission. Thus begins the trip down the rabbit hole, in which she enlists the help of Claire (Katie Holmes) and Mannie (Nathan Bexton) to make the buy from drug dealer Todd Gaines (Timothy Olyphant), who has some of the best dialogue in the movie. Take, for instance, his nonchalant reply when Ronna asks him for a favor. “Now, I give head before I give favors and I don’t give my best friends head, so the odds of you getting a favor are pretty fuckin’ slim,” he explains, adjusting his dingy Santa hat. Within minutes of this exchange, the cops are hot on their heels, Mannie is tripping balls, and fake-ass Raver kids are getting “high” off of chewable aspirin. And then shit gets really crazy.

The strongest, most important asset of Go is its script, a well-planned, cleverly articulated work by John August. Taking a cue from Rashomon, August tells the story of that crazy Christmas night from various vantage points, using each act as a jumping off point to rewind and start anew from a different perspective. By doing this, scenes and even lines of dialogue begin to have double and triple meanings while the story itself expands its scope exponentially, starting with four main characters and, by the halfway point, opening itself up to involve well over fifteen. Like a Robert Altman movie on speed, characters weave in and out of scenes quietly in one thread, but become much more critical to the story in another. It’s also fucking hilarious. The Vegas section of the movie is The Hangover before there was The Hangover and it ends up being funnier in twenty-five minutes than the entirety of that Todd Phillips vehicle (“If you were any less black, you’d be clear,” argues Taye Diggs’s Marcus to his friend and uber-wigger Tiny), and scenes like Mannie’s Ecstasy-fueled supermarket dance, spawned from the rhythmic beep of a checkout scanner, are priceless. Eventually, all character roads lead to “Mary Christmas,” a giant holiday themed rave which brings everyone together to resolve all hair-brained schemes through the haze of smoke machines and glow sticks, all at a sweltering 140 beats per minute.

No doubt that Doug Liman got this gig off the success of Swingers, his first film in which Las Vegas plays a significant part, but he deftly expands his filmmaking vocabulary in large ways while making Go. In a movie where every single character has an important speaking role, casting is critical and this film is no exception. It’s an expertly cast movie, where every actor may not be Oscar-caliber, but you believe them in the role and more importantly, they feel right against all the other characters within the mosaic. The soundtrack is also used to great effect, employing Electronica master BT to compose original cues while dropping in two smash singles by No Doubt and Len.

Go was a movie released in the late nineties, in the heyday of Tarantino, Miramax’s psuedo-independent winning streak, and the Weinsteins, and because of its tonal connection to that camp, got lost in the shuffle or disregarded as trendy. In fact, Go is anything but; a movie that pulses with life, brimming with razor-sharp dialogue, where every character gets their moment to shine, and where everyone gets their own little Christmas miracle, even if it does involve drugs and strippers.

Keep checking Poptimal for more of Keith’s unconventional holiday movie recommendations.

For more movie reviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Columbia Pictures and IMDbPro

Dexter Review: Talk About Awkward

So, let’s be honest with ourselves, things got a little bit awkward this week on Dexter. But, it never starts out that way, does it?

Travis sends his new accomplice Beth to the Miami Metro station with a backpack full of poison gas, headed for homicide where she’s told to wait for Detective Morgan. Meanwhile at the yacht crime scene, Deb and Co.  learn from Quinn that Angel never showed up. Quinn heads to the Dorsey house with backup. Travis gets ready to shoot Angel in the head, but gives him a minute to pray when Quinn’s car pulls up just in time to save Angel, but not quick enough to catch Travis.

Deb, still suspicious of the events surrounding the Morris case, has dinner with Matthews. She gains his trust and he asks her for a favor and tells her the whole story, which is pretty much stock. He was lonely after the death of his wife. She overdosed in the bathroom. He didn’t report it to save his job. She only shares the information with Dexter, with whom her therapist thinks she’s forging more than a sibling bond at this point.

Back at the station, Dexter seeks a ways to draw Travis out, who happens to be holed up in the home of an elderly couple he’s just murdered, plotting his next move. He walks by Beth, waiting for Deb. LaGuerta informs Deb that Homeland Security will be taking over the case, after finding the bomb tech on the yacht. Deb calls Beth to her office to hear what she has to say, but before she can get there, Dexter tosses her into an interview room as she’s detonating the device. Minutes earlier he’d done a search on the Dorseys and found Beth’s picture. Beth dies, and the paramedics think Dexter may experience some slight side effects from exposure. To be safe, he moves Harrison and Jamie into a hotel.

To draw out Travis, Dexter attaches Gellar’s severed hand to a statue in a museum and sends him a video message. Responding to the scene, Angel identifies the cut on the hand as postmortem. Matthews has been asked to retire and confronts Deb, who denies telling anyone. LaGuerta later confesses to Deb she informed on Matthews to further her own career. Dexter sets up a kill room, but starts to experience some side effects of the gas exposure, and Travis gets the better of him. He throws Dex into a lifeboat, floating surrounded by fires he lit, and speeds off. Dex, of course, manages to get free just in time.

Okay, so slightly impaired Dexter does make for a little bit of heightened drama. The tension of will he be well enough to best Travis should play out nicely in the season finale next week. Still, the question lingers, what is up with Masuka’s intern and the package he’s sending Dexter? Has he possibly figured out all of the connections between the cases of the last several years and the unassuming blood splatter expert in the department? That would be an interesting plot to follow through.

Tragically, I care so little these days about the rest of the lives of the Miami Metro team. I was almost bored with the Deb/LaGuerta/Matthews plot and how thin it’s been stretched over the course of this season. Now, my fellow fans, we all have to deal with the Cruel Intentions-style not-blood sibling sexual attraction. When Deb woke up from that dream, which was obviously such, I hope you all shared in my cringe-worthy sentiment. Have we really no where left to take Deb but romantic dreams about her adopted brother? To some extent, it does make sense. He’s the consistent male figure in her life. They’ve lived together, off and on, even through adulthood. But, still…awkward. I’d imagine even more so for the now-divorced actors playing the pair.

Season 6, Episode 11: “Talk to the Hand” (Original Airdate: December 11, 2011)

Channel your dark passenger with Dexter, Sundays at 9 p.m. on Showtime.

Images courtesy of Showtime

The Sitter Review: It Just Works

Sometimes you just want a movie to do what it’s supposed to do.  It doesn’t have to be the greatest movie ever made; it just needs to do its job.  If it’s a horror flick –  just make me jump a few times and be at least mildly frightening.  If it’s a love story – just make me shed a tear or two, and we’re good.  That being said, The Sitter was a movie that did its job.

I’m an 80’s baby so when I saw commercials for The Sitter I immediately thought of Adventures in Babysitting, the 80′s movie about a babysitter’s wild night out with the kiddies.  In The Sitter our reluctant hero and sitter is Noah Griffith, played by Jonah Hill (Get Him to the Greek).  Hill looks rather slim nowadays, but very recently looked like this.  Not that it matters one way or another, it’s just weird to see such a drastic difference in his appearance.  Noah is a lovable loser type of guy who is living with his mother after flunking out of school.  He has a “girlfriend,” Marisa, exceptt instead of a life partner she’s more like a selfish boss who allows Noah the privilege of answering her every beck and call.  Their relationship is one-sided in every respect, and Noah is essentially a doormat.  His parents are divorced, and his dad hasn’t paid alimony or child support in years, despite owning a thriving jewelry store.  Noah loves his mother and wants to see her happy, so he volunteers to babysit for his neighbors so they can take her out for a blind date with a friend.  Little does he know this routine act of kindness will end up being a life-changing experience.

When Noah meets the kids for the first time we can tell that this will be an interesting experience.  The eldest boy Slater (Max Records) is about 13, followed by the adopted Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez) who is roughly 11, followed by Blithe (Landry Bender), an adorable girl of about 8.  Slater is melancholy and anxious, dependent upon pills to get through the day.  Rodrigo has pyromaniac tendencies and is equipped with a GPS device to prevent him from running away too far.  Blithe is obsessed with the ‘celebutante’ world of reality TV and acts like she’s 8 going on 21.

Noah has a DUI on his record, so he is prohibited from using the family car while babysitting.  That goes out the window almost immediately when he gets a call from Marisa asking him to bring her some coke to a party in the City.  It’s an absurd request, and she asks as if coke the cocaine was as easy to get as coke the cola.  She promises that she’ll give him some nookie if he brings it to the party, so he foolishly agrees.  He has to get the yayo from a dealer named Karl (Sam Rockwell, Iron Man 2), so he takes the three kids and rolls out in the minivan.  Predictably, Slater is anxious about their outing, Blithe is excited, and Rodrigo is just menacing.  It should be no surprise that a night of babysitting would go downhill shortly after taking the kids to a drug den – and that’s exactly what happens.

This precocious bunch doesn’t exactly follow directions, so when Noah instructs them to wait in the car, their obedience is short-lived.  Rodrigo ends up swiping some drugs from Karl, and before Noah can return the package it gets destroyed.  When Karl notices that the drugs are gone, he tells Noah that he has a couple of hours to return it or give him $10,000.  Meanwhile, Marisa still expects him at the party, and the kids need to be tucked in their beds by the time their parents get home.  Making matters worse is the fact that Rodrigo likes to run off from time to time.

The movie largely follows Noah and the kids as they try to get the money to pay Karl while seeming to get in one scrape after another.  Noah runs into a former classmate who finally opens his eyes to the fact that he’s a good guy who deserves better than Marisa, who only seems to care about getting the coke that Noah promised he’d bring.  Through all of the mishaps, Noah manages to bond with the kids and realizes that they are more than just little pains in the rear.  Slater suffers from anxiety because he’s pretending to be someone that he’s not.  Rodrigo misbehaves because he’s never had structure and stability and is afraid to trust his new family.  Blithe idolizes celebrities because she hasn’t learned to be herself and love who she is on the inside.  So, at the end of the day what began as the night from hell ended up being a learning experience that changed several lives for the better.

The Sitter worked because it had the right mix of humor and heart.  It wasn’t corny or overly sentimental, and the laughs were timed perfectly.  Jonah Hill has shown time and again they he’s a great comedic actor.  The R rating lets you know that just because there are kids in this movie doesn’t make it a ‘kid’ movie; it’s not.  The kids use and hear foul language, and obviously cocaine is an essential plot element.  That being said, leave the kids at home with the sitter and go check out The Sitter, a comedy that did what just what it was supposed to do: make you laugh.

 

Images courtesy of  Jessica Miglio and Twentieth Century Fox.

 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Review: Kneel Before Oldman

Is there honestly a single actor living today that can match the breadth and range displayed by the great Gary Oldman over the last few decades? I think not. In fact, I think it is sometimes easy to forget all of the classic characters he’s portrayed simply because he absolutely vanishes into every role he plays. Just think of some of the films he’s helped bring to life: The Contender, JFK, Air Force One, the Harry Potter films, The Dark Knight, True Romance, and Sid and Nancy. Not too shabby, eh? And that’s just a small fraction of the the hits he’s graced with his talents.

Oldman’s roles are typically supporting, character roles or villains but as George Smiley in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy he finally gets to take the lead in a film worthy of his talents and the results are as exceptional as you can imagine. And with a stellar supporting cast at his side under tight direction, this is a movie that is about as solid and meticulous as they come.

Based on the novel by John le Carre, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy takes us into the serious world of Cold War espionage full of betrayal, suspense, and dread. We’ve all seen countless spy films but rarely is the subject treated with the strength and stoicism that we see on display here. These are realistic characters taking part in a dangerous profession that tests their patriotism against greed, lust, and power. And even though this is a work of pure fiction, there is not a second during the film where you couldn’t feasibly imagine this happening in real life. Some people may find that boring and those people would be wise to stay home. There are no gadgets, sexy women, or glamorous locations here. This is bleak stuff and if you’re up for a bit of a challenge you’re in for a treat.

George Smiley is a master spy forced out of the British Secret Service with his superior officer (John Hurt) after a mission in Hungary goes wrong. But after only a year of retirement, Smiley is secretly dragged back into serving his country by sussing out a mole at the highest level of British intelligence. There are four suspects in Smiley’s scope: Tinker (Toby Jones), Tailor (Colin Firth), Solider (Ciaran Hinds), and Poor Man (David Dencik). All four men seem to be dedicated to Queen and country but they also have dark spots where they could conceivably be feeding information to the KGB for their own benefit.

It’s not an easy task but Smiley has allies in his quest in the form of a young administrator (Benedict Cumberbatch), a love struck hitman (Tom Hardy), and a spy turned grade school teacher (Mark Strong). It would be against my better judgement to reveal anything more about the plot though because it reveals itself in such a masterly onion-peeling way. As the film plays out more and more of the layers are peeled away revealing juicy details that mix personal lives in with the covert war playing out on the international stage. Ultimately it is humanity (or lack thereof) that sways the course of events and we see that the repercussions can be global.

Watching this film is to submit yourself to a barrage of information, names, places, details, and secrets that could have easily been a confusing narrative mess, but thanks to a fantastic screenplay and extremely taught direction by Tomas Alfredson (Let the Right One In), everything comes across neatly in a subtle but effective package. This is by no means casual viewing though. This is an adult film that requires your undivided attention and thought. As I said earlier – if straightforward storytelling and action is what you crave – this is not the film for you.

In addition to the impeccable direction from Alfredson, the film also benefits from a perfectly honed visual palette that exudes the gloom and despair of Cold War London and eastern Europe. The colors are drab and the sun seems almost reluctant to shine. It may not be pretty but it adds to the realism of the subject matter and overall believability of the story.

But what really stands out here are the performances and naturally it is Oldman who takes the cake as usual. I am hesitant to call it the performance of the year after witnessing the sheer, brutal intensity of Michael Fassbender’s work in Shame but it is a stunning cap on an already remarkable career that only makes me want to see even more Oldman performances in the years to come. I can guarantee he will never disappoint.

I still have a slew of movies to see before the year is over but I think it is safe to say that Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy will end up in my Top 10 of 2011. It is not the kind of movie you’ll walk out of feeling like you’ve ridden a roller coaster, but it is an example of cinematic artists working at the very top of their game. Not a hair is out of place. It is, quite simply, masterful.

Grade: A

 

Images courtesy of Jack English/Focus Features.

Bones Review: Sweet and Funny. Oh…What Case?

This episode of Bones is one that would have irritated me a year ago, when the characters had strayed so far from where they belonged I would hardly stand to watch them, but now, with everything back on track and better than ever, I didn’t mind one bit.

The case took a backseat to everything else Thursday night, including (but not limited to) Booth’s overprotective nature, Sweets’ enthusiasm for freakish subcultures, Angela and Hodgins’ dealing with a non-sleeping baby, and Fisher, who is a freakish subculture unto himself.

But let’s start at the beginning where, per the usual, someone finds a dead body and screams bloody murder. This time it’s a reluctant camp counselor, and the body is decomposing with a fencepost jammed through its ribcage. The crime scene collections take a hilarious turn when Booth (David Boreanaz) tries to help Bones (Emily Deschanel) up from all fours, even though she insists she can do it alone, resulting in what looks like dry humping to the rest of the forensics team. Bones tries to talk to him about his annoying insistence on hovering, but he doesn’t want to hear it.

Fisher (Joel David Moore), Cam (Tamara Taylor), and Hodgins (T.J. Thyne) quickly deduce that the man’s external injuries were caused post-mortem, and since Fisher has spent the last several weeks in (another) mental institution, he’s had plenty of time to watch television, and recalls that several tornados recently swept through the area. The man, it seems, was picked up and tossed by a twister after his untimely death. Bad day.

Both Angela (Michaela Conlin) and Hodgins are struggling with little Michael, who has decided sleep is for the weak, and can barely function at work or anywhere else. To make matters worse, or so they think, Angela’s rock ‘n roll father (Billy Gibbons) shows up wanting to spend some time with the little guy. The new parents are reluctant to break Michael’s routine (even though its not working) and are worried her father will only key him up more with his loud music and lack of respect for guidelines of any kind. They lie to him for a few days, but when they’re both asked to go into the field to wind up the investigation, they decide it can’t hurt to leave the baby with her father after all.

As far as the case, they soon learn the deceased is a storm chaser with an armored mobile home as a base, which is filled with over $100k worth of equipment. Booth and Sweets (John Francis Daley) head out to investigate, and when Sweets overhears Booth lying to Bones about where they’re going, he wants to know more. He also admonishes Booth for lying (in Sweets fashion), but when a twister chases them both into a storm shelter, he agrees that Bones shouldn’t be in the field in her condition.

Of course Bones shows up anyhow, then leaves Booth stranded and looking for his own way home. Which he kind of deserves, for lying and not giving her enough credit.

The reason Booth and Sweets are in the path of a tornado is that the victim’s fellow storm chasers are the first group of suspects – professional jealousy, stealing his equipment, etc – are all good motives for murder. They also interview the victim’s brother, who bankrolled his rather expensive and (in some people’s eyes) frivolous venture. It turns out, though, that the man was killed out of good old-fashioned jealousy and anger – he slept with someone’s girlfriend and got busted. Whoops.

The episode is full of sweet moments, like Angela and Hodgins coming home to find Michael asleep with blues music blaring through his sound system, and Bones and Booth finding a way to understand and work with their differences even as they’re driving each other nuts. There are funny moments, like Fisher (who’s living with his mother) getting phone calls six times a day and having to explain what a one night stand consists of to her. It was a nice episode, even though by the time it was over I hardly remembered the case at all, and a solid way to wrap up the fall season.

Yes, that’s right. We were supposed to get another week, but they’ve decided to push it back to lead in to the winter premiere of The Finder, which the entire cast of Bones is involved with in one way or another. Several of them are directing, writing, or guest starring in the new Hart Hanson show.

You can check out the episode of Bones that introduces the cast and concept of The Finder next week at Bones’ usual airtime, but we’ll have to wait until January for more Bones goodness.

Happy Holidays, Bones fans. See you in a few weeks!

Season 7, Episode 5 “The Twist in the Twister” (original airdate December 8, 2011).

Bones airs Thursdays at 9/8c on Fox.

Photos Courtesy of Patrick McElhenney/FOX

Burn Notice Finale Contest

It’s been one heck of a season for Michael Westen and the gang, and some R&R is in order. Though we can’t fly you out to Miami to hang with them, Poptimal and USA Network are instead giving away an awesome prize pack that you might find useful for your next party. So Burn Notice super fans, this one’s for you!

Prize pack includes:

• Custom Tote Bag
• Season 4 DVD
• Bar Set
• Mojitos 101 Book
• Branded T-Shirt
• Branded Hat

(Valued at $200)

Here’s How to Win (No Purchase Necessary)

1. Post your comments to at least one (1) of our front page articles.

2. Email your name, email address and the name of the post you commented on to contests@poptimal.com. Put “Burn Notice Finale Contest” in the subject line.

3. Wait. The winner* will be notified after December 16, 2011.

*Contest open to residents of the U.S. only. Prize pack valued at $200.

The season finale of “Burn Notice” airs on Thursday, Dec. 15th at 10/9c on USA Network.

Community Review: Regional Holiday Music

From the Greendale Community College Course Catalog:

Regional Holiday Music

Description: Students will be drafted unwillingly into the Greendale Glee Club where they will learn the merits of emotion and exposition through song and realize that even popular group singing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 3 Units.

–

With this being the final episode of Community before its indefinite hiatus, there is a special irony in that it is also one of the greatest episodes of the entire series. As the study group attempts to enjoy the remainder of their semester in the cafeteria, they are rudely interrupted by the Greendale Glee Club performing awful renditions of holiday classics. How awful? “And now, our Holiday mash up: Elton Lil’ John Lennon!” shouts one of the peppier members. So yeah, that bad.  All is not lost though, as Jeff (Joel McHale) saves the day by craftily notifying ASCAP about the club’s use of copyrighted materials. They are issued a cease and desist notice on the spot and proceed to have a complete freak out in front of everyone, thus crippling the Winter Pageant for the year.

Dean Pelton is beside himself at the news, as they were “this close to Regionals,” though no one can really figure out what exactly Regionals is. Enter Corey “Mr. Rad” Radison, Glee Club instructor. “This guy is like human froyo,” muses Troy (Donald Glover), and he’s not far off. Mr. Rad is in dire straits as he cheerily tries to convince the study group to fill the empty Glee spots, but no one is drinking the Kool-Aid, at least not yet. You see, it’s Abed (Danny Pudi) who succumbs to the Glee first, through the majesty of song; specifically, a song that Mr. Rad performs. Quickly, Abed joins in what then becomes the best send-up of Glee that has ever existed short of the show itself. “I’ll understand every scene because they’ll sing what they mean without making a face,” he sings and dances and by the time the song is over, Abed is on board with the club.

This cycle continues throughout the episode, creating a perfect catalyst for over-the-top song and dance numbers that are nothing short of brilliant: Troy wants to celebrate the holidays although his religion prevents him, but he and Abed discover a loophole while they are rapping a song about being an undercover Jehovah’s Witness; both Troy and Abed win Pierce over by appealing to his demographic with “Baby Boomer Santa,” having them move through each decade of music in full costume regalia; Annie (Alison Brie) dresses up in a sexy Santa costume and sings a Santa Baby-esque song to Jeff, playing to their unrequited attraction to each other.

By the day of the pageant, everyone has become “infected” with glee and is more than happy to sing and perform, but Mr. Rad reveals to Abed before the show that this is not just a one-off gig and they are going to be doing it forever. Knowing what must be done, Abed switches roles with Britta (Gillian Jacobs), who has been relegated to a mute Christmas tree. “What are the lyrics?” she asks. “They’re in your heart, Britta,” Abed replies, knowing the epic disaster that is about to unfold. And epic it is, as Britta storms the stage with painful white girl dance moves and singing nonsensical, seasonally-themed lyrics. Performance ruined,  Mr. Rad has a meltdown on stage and admits to killing the last glee club by cutting the brakes on their bus tires before making a run for it. Abed realizes his good intentions to inject some joy into the holiday just ended up just leading to evil and feels let down by all of it. Later in the day, Abed is at home alone trying to salvage what he can out of the holiday when some carolers come knocking on his apartment door. It’s the entire study group, come to celebrate Christmas together and the seven of them all hunker down in front of the TV for the notoriously awful Doctor Space Time Christmas Special, giving each other the gift that they needed most: their friendship.

Not since the Buffy the Vampire Slayer landmark episode “Once More With Feeling” has there been a smarter, funnier, sweeter musical episode of a television series, including the oft (and justifiably) derided Glee. The craftiness of Community is that it pokes fun at that over-hyped and aimless show without being completely mean spirited about it, something that many other creative comedies should take notice of. Community has officially gone dark this week and it is incredibly sad to think that there’s no telling whether or not we are going to get more of this stand-out comedy, but at the very least, we’ve been given a great Christmas gift this year in their final-ish episode. Thanks, Greendale. We love you more that you’ll ever know.

Season 3, Episode 10: “Regional Holiday Music” (originally aired December 8, 2011)

Hit the books with more Poptimal reviews of Community here.

Images courtesy of NBC

The X-Factor Review: Jones Hides His Rage, Nicole Proves Pointless, and Rachel Gets Screwed

Looks like someone over at The X Factor had a word or two with host Steve Jones since last week’s show. (Either that or Steve has been reading my reviews. If you have, Steve; please don’t hurt me. I don’t want to die.) Why do I say that? Well, a couple of days ago, Jones was on Ellen and actually managed to come across as somewhat human. He laughed; he chatted without anger; he even took off his shirt! Sure, he still came across as a robotic, failed, science-experiment of a human being, but at least he didn’t seem on the verge of a killing spree. Then, in this week’s episodes, Jones seemed to be making a very real attempt to appear not so angry and impatient. It didn’t work, of course, but he tried. It was fun watching him try. About halfway through the show is when he started to crack.  Clearly, the producers had a little meeting with him in the back room somewhere about his hosting duties. It probably went something like this:

Producer Guy: “Look Steve. It’s not good. The public is onto you. You’re coming across like some anxious, strict, rage-filled host. You aren’t fooling anyone. They know. They know Steve. They know that you’re a serial killer. They know about the bodies backstage, Steve. They know what you did with Astro and Drew. The people know, Steve.  There are rumors you are keeping Stacey Francis tied up in a meat freezer. They aren’t buying the whole “we’re low on time, move it along” bit anymore. They know the real reason you’re always cutting the judges off in midsentence, or pushing a contestant offstage, is because you’ve got a hit to get to. It’s over Steve. Even your tweets are creeping people out. You’re going to have to try and lighten it up out there, Jones. Crack a smile. Make a joke. We realize that simple humor escapes you, but give it a shot. I’m sorry. That was a bad choice of words. Please don’t shoot me.”

Aside from Steve trying to be a person in society, other things happened on the show as well. The Top 5 performed two songs for a place in the Semi-Finals. The first round was a “Dance Hit” (they are really desperate for themes . . . dance hit? Really?), and the second round was any song of the contestant’s choice. Jones tried to get people involved by using the Twitter hashtag #glovesareoff. Since that’s lame as hell, nobody did. Let us get right to the performances, judges’ arguments, and Jones’s anger …..

Melanie Amaro: Round One had Amaro choosing the Adele song “Someone Like You” while walking slowly around what looked like a plank, as shiny, silvery, robot looking dancers surrounded her and created a futuristic club-like environment. Her voice was like buttah. The dancing? Not so much. Simon called her a “diva,” and Jones put his arm on her back (where he was probably holding a gun) and ordered people to vote using Twitter.

Round Two was the song “When You Believe” by Whitney Houston. This song was much more Melanie’s style. Gorgeous. Beautiful. An epic performance. Cue the choir!!! After she sang, she once again went off an another dramatic, Lifetime Movie of the Week monologue performance, declaring to everyone: “I chose this song because I had to believe in MYSELF, and now I do!” Gee that’s really great Melanie. We are all really happy for you that you have found your confidence, but Steve Jones is gettin’ mad, so enough of the funny business. Time to move on , move it along . . .

Marcus Canty: A couple weeks ago, I said I really wanted to see Rachel Crow sing Chaka Khan’s “Aint Nobody.” Well, they used the song this week, but gave it to Marcus. Oddly enough, it worked for him. Aside from the fact that the stage, costumes, and dancers looked like a really cheesy 1980′s music video, Canty himself gave a great performance. This kid is magnetic. Nicole gave one of her Hallmark comments with: “God has a plan for you!” The other judges tried to speak, but Jones threatened their lives, so they kept quiet.

Round Two showed off Canty’s vocals, passion, and talent on a simpler level – through his soul. It was also one of those performances where the camera panned over to ”I have a raisin for a head” L.A. Reid, who was doing his “Can you believe I’m not a white guy?” awkward head-shifting, dance-in-his-seat thing that he does. Please stop. Afterwards, Reid told Canty he “came back like a champ” after being in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. Nicole pointed out that he is a “timeless talent.” Paula said “you’re a storyteller!” while Simon was the only unenthused one, with “I wasnt jumping out of my seat or anything.” He always says this. It makes no sense. When he really enjoys a song, does he really JUMP out of his seat in excitement? No. He has never done that. Not once have I seen Simon Cowell jump out of his seat. So this comment is dumb. Steve Jones told Canty he “loved it” as he gritted his teeth and looked annoyed at everyone around him.

Rachel Crow: With the song “Beautiful Girls,” Crow got down on the dance floor surrounded by a stage filled with other theatrical dancers. I didn’t think it was the best choice of song, but she did well with it. Reid called her a “little star,” while Paula said it was her best performance of an up-tempo song. (What a weird thing to say. Could you be any more specific? “It’s your best performance of an up-tempo song on a Tuesday while wearing a sweater and drinking tea.” ) Steve Jones seemed to be annoyed that her performance went so well, angrily saying: “Moving on . . . moving on . . .”

Round Two was Michael Jackson’s “Music and Me” which was a lovely and mature vocal for Crow, and reminded me a mini- Etta James. Paula called her “fantastic and magical.” This was a very good performance.

Josh Krajcik: Round One had the man with the Joe Cocker voice singing . . . wait for it . . . Rhianna. It wasn’t pretty. It was as if someone (Steve Jones) kidnapped Krajcik, blindfolded him, threw him in a van, and dropped him off at the nearest gay club and made him sing this. The ridiculous dancing and “choreography” that was happening all around him only furthers this theory. I understand that doing  a dance hit isnt his forte, but COME ON! There are plenty of dance -able songs he could have done that are WAY more manly and right for him than THAT! How about some Billy Idol “Rebel Yell?” Or even something fun like David Lee Roth’s “Just A Gigolo?” Christ, ANYTHING but this! L.A. and his prune-for-a-head didn’t buy it, while Paula said he “nailed it.” Again with the nailing, Paula? What’s on your mind, dirty girl? Simon started up another stupid, immature fight with Nicole, which was okay with me because Nicole is super annoying and pointless. He told her the song was ridiculous, and that “maybe if you spent more time in America than England, the performance would be better.” Jones got nervous and told everybody to move it along, move it along . . .

Round Two: This was a much better choice, with the song “Something.” He sang it very well and his soulfulness definitely came across here, although he did look quite insane, as Simon noted. Stupid Nicole cupped her hands to her face and fake-cried about 3 notes in. Really Nicole? Really? Everytime? Reid said “that’s the Josh I love.” Paula called him “special.” (Well thats not very nice Paula, now is it?) Nicole and Simon went for round two of their battle when Simon said that Josh looked insane while singing. Nicole shot back: “That’s called getting lost in the music, Simon,” to which Simon retorted: “Why don’t you get lost so I can finish what I was saying?” Jones stopped the brawl by threatening everyone to please vote on Twitter or die.

Chris Rene: In Round One, Rene added his own lyrics and versus to the song “Live My Life”, and earned praise from the judges. Cowell told him that while he is not the best singer, as a recording artist, “you are doing brilliant.”

But it was his second song choice that really stole the show, so to speak. In Round Two, Rene showed up with his second completely original song (his first was during auditions; the now hugely downloaded “Homie What You Trippin On”) with “Where Do We Go From Here?” With this one, he showed off a more subtle, sweet side by sitting on a stool, singing his originally written lyrics, and strumming on a guitar. L.A. “I dance like a white man” Reid was doing the head-shake in his seat to the rhythm, then told Rene he was very proud of him tonight. Nicole told Chris to “take this in, the sky’s the limit with you!” She tried to say more, but Jones cut her off with “Okay thanks Nicole. PAULA???” Abdul said something in a rushed tone, then Simon ended by calling Rene’s performance “a stroke of genius.” Jones then headed backstage and cut off the legs of a stagehand.

The Insane, Ridiculous, Stupid, Dumb, Not Cool Results:

Well, leave it to this show to get extremely overdramatic during those last few minutes where we find out who is going home and who is staying. This is normally where most of the intense emotions happen, and boy did they happen again this week. We will get right down to it . . . after this commercial break.

Okay, we’re back. First Lenny Kravitz performed, followed by Mary J. Blige, who apparantly will show up anywhere she is asked to and sing a couple or twelve songs. This woman is ALWAYS on my TV performing. Everywhere. Paula Abdul looked like someone (Steve Jones) punched her in both of her eyes;  she had dark circles around them. After the time-killing performances, there was a riveting (NOT) montage look at what goes on backstage with makeup and costumes. Yawn. This was all simply too much fun to Steve, who eventually shouted: “Okay, back to business. Let’s go, let’s go . . .” His favorite part of the show is when he gets to tell people to go home. He also enjoys murdering them later on in the back of his limousine.

After another commercial break, we found out the audience voted through automatically: Melanie Amaro, Josh Kracjik, and Chris Rene. This, of course, left the bottom 2 as Rachel Crow and Marcus Canty, who was now in the bottom 2 for the third time.

Both had to “Sing for Survival” and this is when the craziness began, as it usually does on this trainwreck of a show with judges who ALWAYS make the wrong decision, or NO decision, or a “makes absolutely no freakin’ sense” decision, and then come back the next week and backpeddle about (like with Astro, or sending Melanie home before she even started. Dumb.)

Marcus Canty sang “Im Goin Down” and delivered a really great, borderline incredible performance. Vocally, it was one of his strongest, and it was filled with passion. Then came Rachel Crow, who sang “I’d Rather Be Blind” and absolutely killed it on that stage. It was an absolutely amazing, passion-filled, vocally superior performance. Her best to date for sure. Her voice is so mature for her young age, and this was so apparent in this performance, which had everyone applauding nonstop, and half the room standing for her. It was, without question, the better performance of the two.

So the judges vote. Reid sticks with his contestant Marcus, and votes to send Rachel home. Paula votes to send Marcus home, as does Simon. Now it’s Nicole’s turn. The decision is obvious. Marcus Canty is extremely talented, BUT this is his 3rd time in the bottom two, and Rachel clearly just gave the performance of her life up there. So she should have voted to send Marcus home, especially since half the crowd was chanting Rachel’s name for her to stay. Instead, Nicole acted like a deer in headlights at the very thought of making a DECISION and . . . oh . . . I dunno . . . doing your JOB and  . . . you know . . . JUDGING!!! She started in with the damn waterworks again; the fake tears, and then the pointless nonjudging: “Oh no . . . I can’t . . . I just can’t . . . I don’t wanna send anyone home so  . . . oh . . . oh . . . what do I . . . oh . . . .oh . . . ” SEND MARCUS HOME, YOU TOOL!!!! But no. She caves and simply cannot make a simple decision,  and she sends Rachel home to throw it into a tie vote, or as Steve Jones loves to call it: DEADLOCK! “We are now in deadlock!” he bellowed. This, of course, means that in the case of a tie, it ends up in America’s hands. The person with the lowest votes automatically goes home. Jones reads the name: Rachel Crow. Seconds later, World War 3 erupts in the place. First Rachel’s eyes bug out in utter shock, then she falls to the stage on her knees and loses her f’ing mind crying. I mean – she LOSES HER DAMN MIND! The same way that Drew lost her mind last week, Rachel cries as if she just lost her closest family member in a tragedy. She cries snot into Simon’s boring t-shirt, and then it just erupts into a cry-fest up there. Nicole comes up with her fake tears, as the audience boos her for her non-decision. Steve Jones finally starts to really lose it with his rage, as he is getting messages from his cronies in his ear-mic. He asks Nicole if she wants to say anything. Nicole says nothing, because she is pointless and so “torn up.” People are sobbing uncontrollably and wandering around the stage. It’s quite hilarious actually. This is how I KNOW that Steve Jones murders the contestants once they are voted off the show. He HAS to! Why ELSE would they all react in such an overdramatic, end of the world way? Yes, it’s sad you got voted off, but you’re ON THE SHOW! You’v already won! Rachel Crow will be everywhere, she will be a star, no question. There is really no good reason to go batshit crazy, unless you know that Jones is going to throw you into a limo and then take you to a secret location, where you are left with nothing but a Twitter account and some water, until he decides it is off to the Pine Barrens with you. Bye bye Rachel. Nicole – you stink.

NEXT WEEK: It’s Semi-Finals Week as the remaining Top 4 contestants sing songs chosen by America, in the Pepsi Challenge. In Round Two, contestants will sing songs in the “Steve Jones Challenge” as they simultaneously perform and try to dodge long-range bullets from Jones’ rifle in the wings.

Season 1, Episodes 19 and 20 (originally aired December 7th and December 8th, 2011)

X Factor airs Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on FOX.  For more X Factor reviews, click here.

Photos courtesy of xfactorusa.com

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Deadbeats and No-Shows

The more things change, the more they stay the same. This week on Real Housewives of Atlanta, we pick up where we left off with more of the same: regret, burned bridges, and much ado about nothing while serious underlying issues continue to go untreated. Those of you who pledged to stop watching after the events of the last episode may or may not have stayed true to your word. I made no such promise, so on we go.

At the outset, we join the multi-talented Kandi and her business partner Peaches at TAGS Boutique, which Kandi apparently owns. They look over some clothes and take advantage of the free advertising while Phaedra enters right on cue holding a “sorry-I-hired-an-obscenely-inappropriate-stripper-for-that-family-friendly-birthday-party” cake. At this point, I think Phaedra ought to start budgeting monthly for apology gifts, since this is becoming a trend. The two ladies sit down and discuss; Phaedra apologizes and asks Kandi about her mom (who is still mad and not returning calls), but she tries to defend herself by claiming the stripper’s talent was something everyone should see at least once in their lives and that he should be entered into the “Guinness Book of World Penises.” Kandi is good-natured about the whole thing, but she has the nerve to be upset that NeNe left the party without saying goodbye after everything went down. Phaedra, never missing an opportunity to snark, brings up the fact that NeNe used to be a stripper herself, saying, “You showed your cervix for a quarter, child!” while laughing in that nasty way that only she can.

For some reason, there’s an International Interior Design fashion show happening in Atlanta, and Cynthia Bailey has been chosen to emcee the affair. Wearing a body-hugging tube dress, she prepares to speak to an audience of 700 from the catwalk. By “prepares,” I mean “has her hair and makeup done” but certainly not “practices her lines,” because it all goes terribly. The whole thing happens outside and looks more like a hastily-organized backyard barbecue than a fashion event of any repute, so I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the cameras weren’t there to record it. Phaedra and Apollo are there, along with Sheree, and of course Lawrence arrives in another outlandish ensemble. Cynthia stumbles over every word she utters, mixing up garments as the models walk up and down the makeshift runway, and mispronouncing as many names as appear on the list in front of her. It’s apparent she didn’t so much as glance at the sheet ahead of time. So, now we can add “public speaking” to the list of Things Cynthia Can’t Do, right below “open a bottle of champagne” and “marry a decent man.” So far, she’s done pretty well for herself, all things considered.

The ladies join Cynthia for a drink after the show, all happy to have gotten through the embarrassment of what they just witnessed. I’d feel guiltier about my harsh assessment if everyone in attendance hadn’t looked quite so uncomfortable, with Apollo unable to even look up from the ground while Cynthia did her presentation. Phaedra’s talking head says, “Everybody knows you want to look at models, not really hear them,” and I guess she’s right. (The gorgeous and savvy Heidi Klum is the exception that proves the rule, while Tyra Banks is the ultimate case-in-point.) While the women stand around and drink, an NFL player named Charles walks up with his socialite girlfriend Marlo and greets them. Apparently, the dude used to date NeNe while she was still married to Gregg, despite her claims of fidelity during the marriage. As they walk away and Phaedra dishes the dirt, Sheree is positively filled with glee to hear of the new development.

Now at the Bailey Agency, we join Cynthia with her sister Malorie and mother Barbara. Mal, as per usual, looks miserable and disapproving, and she makes it clear that she won’t be able to “keep things professional” as she’s helping out in her receptionist role. Basically, she’s only hesitantly agreeing to help out because Cynthia is her sister, but Cynthia wants to pretend she’s Toni Braxton and have a faithful sibling employee for life. They quickly start rehashing their old disagreement in front of Mom, arguing over which one of them is more meddlesome in the other’s marriage. Eventually, their mother breaks them up and reminds them of their sisterly bond. Then, she skittishly asks when Bar One is going to open up, dreading the answer. Cynthia mentions the bounced investor check, and Mal is horrified, asking, “What kind of investors does he have?!” Great question. Mal starts to cry, predicting that her sister will become Peter’s new investor. Cynthia does nothing to quell those fears, instead insisting that it would be reasonable to help out just until he gets past the sneak preview event for the club. She sounds like an enabler for a drug addict, except that he’s an emotionally unavailable bully with questionable judgment, instead (so, I guess the same thing). Malorie can’t stop crying, and Barbara doesn’t look too pleased, either. They both try to remind Cynthia of the promise she made to herself not to go broke again and tell her to concentrate on her own endeavors. Cynthia is perpetually in denial, telling the camera she’d be embarrassed not to help out as Peter’s wife, that her prenup never said he couldn’t ask for financial help while they’re still married.

While Sheree and her two adorable kids play soccer outside in a field, her ex-husband Bob moseys up to talk with her. As Sheree tells it, it’s a very rare occurrence for him to come around at all, so she makes the most of it by telling Bob he’s never been an attentive dad, to which he responds that his own father was never attentive, either, since he was always working hard to bring home the bacon. The problem is that Sheree’s children require foie gras and truffle oil, and Bob hasn’t so much as financed a trip to McDonald’s in the past four years. He doesn’t like being reminded of his utter failure to pay child support since the divorce, claiming both that,  1. since Sheree has her own money and buys nice purses, she shouldn’t be given any support for their children, and 2. the NFL doesn’t pay him enough to spare any skrill for the kids, anyway. Both are bullshit excuses, obviously, so Sheree threatens to take Bob to court if he doesn’t pay up. He calls her bluff, claiming not to care if he goes to jail. Whether or not she has money of her own is immaterial, but Bob keeps bringing up her assets without acknowledging the principle of the thing.  Out of frustration, Sheree gets up from the picnic table and splashes him in the face with the water from her bottle. This is one of the only times I’ve felt much sympathy for Sheree. That muttering fool seems insufferable.

Most of Kim’s segments this season feature her waddling around or laying in bed complaining about her pregnancy, so this is a nice change of pace. This time, she’s moping about how miserable she is, but she’s sitting upright in Brielle’s room. Brielle is worried about being pushed aside once the baby arrives, which is what she experienced upon the birth of her little sister. Kim tries to assure her that won’t happen, even as she warns that she and Kroy will have at least one more kid together before they’re done. Brielle is understandably grossed out about the prospect of seeing her mother’s nipples being sucked on by the infant, leaving me to wonder how much daily silicone intake is healthy for the baby.

Over at the under-construction Bar One, NeNe and Cynthia walk around on a guided tour with Peter and mostly look underwhelmed at the progress. Apparently, NeNe will cohost the sneak preview night; Cynthia reminds us for the billionth time that NeNe appeared on Celebrity Apprentice and is a huge star now. She and Peter think she will draw a sizable crowd. NeNe tells Peter he has his hands full with finishing this place, since it doesn’t look great right now. He insists that his big preview event will “get the movers and shakers salivating.” Shouldn’t he himself be doing some moving and shaking in the meantime?

When NeNe leaves to get her hair done, Cynthia offers Peter some money (with triple interest on the loan) to hold him over. He refuses it, saying he’s a man’s man who will make it work, though he likes knowing his wife has his back. The main reason he seems to be refusing is that he doesn’t want Cynthia’s family catching wind of the deal and interfering with their annoying common sense and discernment. I think that’s his way of asking for money under the table, and I’m sure this won’t be the end of this issue for them.

Over at Phaedra’s law office, Sheree sits down to talk about her options with Bob. Phaedra is shocked at the news that he hasn’t paid a cent in child support and hasn’t been carted off to the clink already. Sheree doesn’t want an ordeal, she says, but Phaedra won’t hear of anything less than punitive legal action. “That burns my biscuits,” says Phaedra. She wants Bob to proceed straight to the county jail, where they serve “bologna sandwiches on white bread and macaroni and cheese with no cheese.” I think that’s the funniest thing she’s ever said. She wants Sheree to file a motion and accept the free legal representation. A hearing can be scheduled in five days, Phaedra assures her, declaring, “Fair is fair, and right is right.” Sheree cries after holding it in, and we can tell she isn’t acting, since her acting is terrible. Phaedra says this makes her think about her own son and what would happen if he had in irresponsible father; she begins crying, too. I think she’s quite empathetic when she wants to be. Phaedra’s really stuck on Bob ending up in jail, suggesting that maybe the inmates will make him captain of the football team. Sheree maintains that she wouldn’t want to send the father of her children to rot behind bars, but Phaedra keeps trying to open her eyes to the injustice of the situation. “You can sleep easy tonight, since you have a pit bull on your team,” Phaedra tells Sheree as they hug it out. This is the most I’ve liked her so far.

At last, Kandi’s mom has agreed to look her in the face again, and the two meet to discuss the Party of Iniquity. Mom reminds her daughter how disrespectful the whole thing was, and Kandi maintains she couldn’t have known how upsetting it would be. “I had a stripper at my baby shower,” Kandi reminds her. Wow, that seems just as unnecessary. Mother Dearest wasn’t aware, she claims, since she was probably upstairs the whole time. Mom makes the good point that Phaedra had enough sense to leave her own mother and husband at home while she pulled that stunt. She took it as a personal insult that she wasn’t herself spared. Kandi is surprised her mother took it so personally, and so she starts crying, saying she thought they were homegirls. Her mother responds, “I might be your homegirl, but I’m your mother first.” It seems to sink in for Kandi; since she herself has a young daughter, you’d think she’d be able to put herself in her mom’s shoes and spare everyone the indignation.

Finally, we arrive at the Bar One preview; Cynthia pulls up and is escorted inside in a nice black dress, and Charles and Marlo walk in and head for the VIP area. Sheree and Lawrence drive through the ‘hood to get to the place, laughing cattily about how undesirable the location is. The space is still unfinished, and to cap things off, the air conditioner is not working yet, so it’s unbearably hot. Phaedra, talking to the camera, predicts the place will be successful, because “‘Hood folks gotta drink, too.” Everyone toasts to “all things fabulous.” It looks sweltering in there, and you couldn’t pay me to be in the middle of that crowd. Notably absent from the party is NeNe. Phaedra thinks it’s fishy that Charles is present while NeNe is not. I hate to say it, but she’s been making a lot of sense this episode.

Cynthia and Peter sit and look over the party; she asks her husband how he pulled this together without the money. He tells her he’s a gangsta and she just needs to trust him more. She says she’s proud he was able to do this without her help; I hope she’s not singing another tune in a few weeks. Kandi arrives late and asks where NeNe is. Peter is upset that she hasn’t shown up yet or offered an acceptable excuse (She did text Cynthia to claim a “wardrobe malfunction, however.). It’s pretty humiliating to see how desperate he is for NeNe’s star power. He stands up to announce himself and unveil a huuuge old modeling head shot of Cynthia and her ridiculously large afro. Everyone but Cynthia seems nonplussed by the display. Solving the mystery of NeNe’s absence, Sheree learns that Cynthia actually told NeNe that her old flame Charles would be there. Kandi instigates by asking Charles if there’s any reason NeNe would be avoiding him, and he claims to have had one double date with her where he ditched her at the end of the night, owing to her self-absorption, which was a big turnoff.

Eventually, five minutes before the end of the party, NeNe tentatively walks in, shifting her eyes around nervously and modestly saying hello to everyone as she ignores Charles and Marlo sitting next to her friends. She must be wearing 20-inch heels, because she’s towering over everybody even more than usual. Phaedra tells us that while Cynthia should have reprimanded NeNe for showing up so late, she didn’t, because “Cynthia loves NeNe like a fat kid loves cake.” Charles has the gall to be upset that NeNe didn’t greet him, and NeNe tries to claim that everything we’ve heard about the two of them is a “big, fat lie.” Her side of the story would seem much more credible if she’d at least make eye contact with the guy, instead of looking guilty as sin and refusing to face the awkward scenario head-on. I wonder if NeNe believes her own lies or if she thinks she’s smarter than the rest of us. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.

NEXT WEEK: Cynthia and Russell Simmons meet up for some reason, NeNe seems to be on a date, and Kim goes into labor.

Season 4, Episode 5: “Whine Bar” (original airdate December 4, 2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Images courtesy of John Amis and Bravo.

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