Jersey Shore Review: Poor Thing
This week on Jersey Shore, Mike the Situation is still a miserable bastard. Plus, Pauly D is a victim of theft, Snooki is selfish again, and Vinny succumbs to the doldrums.
I’ve never cared about Vinny. Although seemingly the most sensible male of the pack, with more self-awareness and crossover appeal than the rest of the greased-up guidos, he’s still a hopelessly dependent mama’s boy with heinous attitudes towards women. Now, the nightly binging and lack of mama’s meatballs has started to provoke general anxiety and depression, and he’s seriously considering going home for good as he feels he has nothing more to offer. Despite Faux-Hawked Vinny’s moping, whining, and constant employment of the most emo of novelty-size Woody Allen glasses, Ronnie and Pauly still imagine it’s within their power to keep him in the house. In reality, their power, much like their capacity for generating creative ideas, is limited. How about more clubs with women? How about sex with those women? No? That won’t fix it? I bet more alcohol would work! More booze? No? …More dancing? Dancing and drinking at clubs? No?
They’re at a loss. “A car can only get so far on fumes,” Vinny tells us. Stick a fork in him. By the end of the episode, he’s packed his bags and exited the premises, and I can’t name a single thing I’ll miss about him.
Snooki can’t stand the thought of Vinny leaving, but he’s become obnoxious to have around while she’s trying to drink and have a good time. She explains that Vinny’s been killing the mood and bringing everything down, and it’s, like, so depressing, ugh! To Snooki, sad people are just bummers and party poopers. Also trying to harsh her buzz is Jionni, who for some reason does not like seeing his girlfriend black out from regularly drinking too much liquor or fall down drunk after flashing her underwear and writhing around all night in front of testosterone-fueled ‘roid ragers. She can’t see where he’s coming from. “He just needs to respect who I am,” Snooki wails. She’ll be fine once she realizes her own need to do just that. But until then, she’ll occupy her time keeping Mike away from her painfully oblivious boyfriend, since the two are bonding at incredible speed, and Mike still considers it a simple game of “chess” that he happens to be winning.
Meanwhile, Mike is reuniting with Paula from Season One, the girl who sexed Sitch in the jacuzzi out back, leading Angelina to flip her shit and split. Luckily for Mike, Paula is still desperate for screen time and doesn’t have anything better to do than have public relations with the country’s biggest cultural absurdity, so she comes home with him at least twice this episode. The Situation calls Paula “a shore thing” in the most humiliatingly awful reference to the awfully-titled book ghostwritten on behalf of Snooki.
Pauly makes a similar observation about Shantel- a girl he meets and courts at Club Karma: “She’s the definition of D.T.F,” he announces proudly with a smile on his face and a glint in his eye. Though outwardly beautiful and ostensibly healthy, Shantel seems like a deeply, profoundly idiotic woman, even more so than the average Jersey Shore groupie and one night stand. For example, she asks Pauly to leave the club with her before he even suggests it. In the hallway on the way to the “smush room,” she sings an impromptu tune about her sexual intentions, like a lemming on the edge of a cliff. When Pauly calls a cab at 4am to hustle her out of the house, she steals his diamond chain behind his back, shoves it down the front of her shorts, and lallygags around the house like she lives there, giggling that she lost her shoes and can’t leave yet. Pauly, on the phone with a taxi driver whose voice sounds half-asleep at the bottom of an ocean, is told he’ll have to wait at least an hour for a ride. When he finally gets Shantel outta there, she’s still barefoot.
The next morning, after Pauly has turned the place upside down looking for his chain, Shantel appears at the door wearing it like a champion, as if she’s pulled some elaborate prank. Either she took it and realized later that she had been caught on camera doing so, or she decided the ruse was a perfect excuse to come back later for more Pauly D and camera action. Either way, it was a very dumb and very sad choice. After handing over the diamonds, she wants to stay, hang around, and look for her shoes some more. Is she waiting for a breakfast invitation? Pauly isn’t too amused. “She lost her dignity and her self-respect,” he deadpans. “So what does she need shoes for?” With the departure of Shantel, Pauly vows to pat girls down as he hugs them goodbye before their walks of shame. Because a woman’s worth doesn’t stack up to that of your expensive jewels, eh, Pauly D? She may have lost everything last night, but that doesn’t mean you should have to lose your chain. For everyone’s sake, Shantel, stay gone, and never think of this place again.
NEXT WEEK: Vinny’s at home, but we follow him there, the gang continues to engage in the very activities that drove Vinny away, and Pauly gets a celebratory cake while his birthday partner Mike is left in the dust.
Season 5, Episode 2: “One Man Down” (original air date January 12,2012.)
For another take on this week’s episode check out “One Man Down” by Tanya Lane.
Jersey Shore airs Thursdays at 10/9c on MTV.
Images courtesy of MTV.