Glee Review: Ringing In the New Year

That Helen Mirren is one hell of a dame. And this week, Glee certainly achieved a sort of coup in getting her to voice the inner thoughts of Becky in her voiceovers. That—in and of itself—would make the return from holiday hiatus a B, at least. But I can’t deny that the character overload and frenetic pacing of the main storylines have made it hard to really settle in and enjoy the homecoming.

At the heart of the episode, Will contemplated proposing to Emma, enlisting the help of the Glee kids – his only friends over 15 – and Finn unearthed a family secret. On the periphery, Mercedes’ tender thoughts warmed to Sam instead of her actual boyfriend, and Becky courted Artie, who definitely rivals Puck when it comes to lady loving. I just wish that the meat and potatoes had more time to simmer and the side dishes a little more appreciation. These storylines could have effectively been split into two or three episodes and allowed the opportunity for some legitimate—much needed—character development.

WILL
You know the girl—she may be a friend, maybe a co-worker, maybe your sister— who looks like you stabbed her in heart when you break the wonderful news that you just got engaged to the love of your life? That was Emma when Beiste shared the joyous news that she and Cooter had eloped after a Christmas Eve Taco Bell run. Sue was utterly shocked at being bested by the coach, but Emma did that jealous girl thing where someone turns a friend’s engagement into a pity party about how her boyfriend doesn’t want to marry her. Sue, on a sweetness kick this episode—at least in action, encouraged Emma to go get her man and ask herself if she was so darn worried. I gasped at the inclusion of “Wedding Bell Blues,” an oldie that’s grown on me as I’ve aged. It didn’t hurt that Bill can easily be changed to Will. (Much better than when Artie has to use his name instead of whatever rapper he’s covering for. That’s always weird.) At first, the number appears to be all in her head until she realizes that she actually did say she wanted to marry Will in front of their colleagues…in the lunch room…after a singing dream fugue. Awkward.

Will, though, wasn’t freaked out. She ran away embarrassed, but he smiled and excitedly charged the Glee club with figuring out a fabulous wedding proposal. Completely energized, Schue brought Finn ring shopping and then asked him to be his best man. That makes Finn twice a best man, never a groom.  Schue said it was because Finn’s taught him to be more of a man than any man…more than his father, more than any other male family member, more than any friends! This heart-to-heart prompted Finn to confide that he’d recently talked with an army recruiter, eliciting Will’s worried face, but more about that later.

Later, Rachel, Mercedes, Santana and Tina grilled Schue about his relationship history, and he started to recount the first time he ever saw her. Inspired, the ladies proposed “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” thinking of their own loves. (Finn, Mike, Brittany and Sam! Anyone surprised by that reveal? Well, Mercedes was.) Back at home, Will invited Emma’s parents over for dinner while she was out. (So fantastic to see those two nutters again with lines like, “Just be grateful that Comrade Obama still allows Christmas.”)  He asked for their blessing, to which they quickly said no and brought up Emma’s “serious problems.” Mom gave a laundry list of potential problems such as full diapers, sticky hands and runny noses, and any old marriage is messy enough without the kids down the road. He seemed shocked, but was he? Bless her heart, Emma didn’t give up easily and asked Will again if he could see a life with her, but with her parents now in his head, he voiced his worry that she’s not built for married life. (So not the supportive, about to propose, boyfriend that he should be, but it’s a TV drama, so I let it slide.)

But while he’s been dilly-dallying, the clocks been ticking. Artie wanted to know which song he’d finally chosen, but Schue needed more time. Luckily, Sam came to the rescue with a genius idea. Here’s how it went: Will picked up Emma and walked her through the halls where people were waiting to, one by one, give her white roses. When she had a little more than a half bouquet, he brought her to the pool and sat her in the ref’s chair. Rachel and Santana were ready to sing to her “We Found Love” while New Directions and the largest synchronized swimming team ever performed, even Artie wheel dived in. Then, out walked Will in a white suit, virtually walking on water. He knew she was the one, and he sweetly summed it up by saying, “Loving you and being loved by you makes everything better. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever hope to be.” Perfect dive, Will! Or as Schmidt (New Girl) would say, “Tens across the board. No splash!” That’s a yes.

FINN
As I noted earlier, Finn was seriously considering the Army. He’d given up any sports scholarships and has always thought he wasn’t good enough to sing for the rest of his life, so the Army is the only other group he’s every felt a connection. Will, Emma, Burt and Carole staged an Armyvention, which I didn’t find to be all that successful. Instead of helping, Finn came out more depressed and confused than ever. First, Burt reiterated that he still wants Finn to stay and run the shop while he’s doing his political thing, but Finn brought up that his dad was a war hero, and he owes it to his memory to be a great man like him. THEN, Carole took the opportunity to tell Finn the truth about his father. He didn’t die in Iraq. He came back with a dishonorable discharge, mental issues and a drug problem. He died via overdose not far from home. Utterly devastating, no? Your mother is a liar, and the memory of your father is her biggest lie. I was surprised he didn’t join the Army immediately just to escape the horror. But he did what normal teens do. He joined up with his girlfriend and step brother, and they all threw a pity party over how they all thought they’d get out of Lima but never will.

Hello! Finn’s clearly taken the biggest hit of all, and Rachel realized that, singing “Without You” as a potential proposal song, but actually making it all about her boy. I’m not so sure if she would have been so supportive if she knew what would happen next. Finn brought her to the stage where they reminisce about their first date. He sweetly told her that, though he feels like loser, she makes him feel special. And with that declaration, he proposed with a ring he bought with his newly-opened credit card account. (You know you’re too young to get married when your credit score is a whopping 0.) From the previews, we may not even get an answer by next episode. This girl may think her NYADA dreams are crushed, but not sure she’s ready to be domesticated yet.

MERCEDES
Also not ready to be domesticated, but clearly ready to join the Desperate Housewives, Mercedes flipped and flopped between staying devoted to her new man and rekindling that summer fling. The glee girls wanted the dish on their “Summer Lovin’,” complete with bleacher dancing and that high note split screen shot. (It was a weird way to open the episode, but the nostalgia really hit me mid-number.) Since his return, Sam has continue to sweat Mercedes hard. However, she continued to shut him down.

Sam hatched another brilliant plan: join the basketball team and get a letter man jacket. Not sure he really gets Mercedes if he thinks that her boyfriend’s football jacket is one of the main reasons they’re together. Since football’s over and basketball’s full up, if there’s one sport’s team he can join, Beiste suggested the synchronized swim team, coached by Nene Leakes, I mean, Coach Roz Washington. Yes, Sam, swimming is sexy, but Finn is right…not if it’s synchronized. Sam got slushied immediately after his first practice, but it earned him a little pity from Mercedes, who later cried when she realized she still had true feelings for Sam. Hopefully she learns what she really wants before she cheats.

BECKY
In one of my favorite stories of the night, Becky set her sights on “sweet, sexy and handi-capable” Artie. After getting some advice from her mentor Sue—who tells her to go for it, but thinks she can do better—she asked him out. Artie invited Becky to watch him perform which is definitely not a whole date, if any date at all. Artie and Mike are convinced that Schue’s got “Moves Like Jagger,” so they suggest he just move those rock star hips and woo Emma. (Love that Schue knew all that dancing sweat would probably turn her off), and after the number Becky suggested part two at Breadstix. The following day, the glee club prodded Artie for his Breadstix date, flat out calling it weird. But Artie had a great time; she made him laugh and they had good conversation, so he got on them for preaching kindness to all, when they sit back and judge Becky.

However, things actually took a turn for the whacky when Becky sexted Artie who proceeded to freak out, so much so that he ran to Sue, who advises him to treat her like anybody else and be honest about not wanting to date her. Better advice was “tell her the truth so she can move on, and maybe date someone who doesn’t sound like one of those weird puppets they bring around to the grade schools to teach kids about sexual predators, and for God sake, can you maybe go one day without the driving gloves. It’s a wheelchair, Artie, not a Porsche…Stop buttoning your shirts up all the way like a demented 90-year-old. You look like you’re auditioning for the lead in your nursing home’s stage production of Awakenings.” It was so sad when he let her down, and she asked if it was because he’s intimidated instead of asking her real question. “Is it because she has Downs?” She didn’t ask because she already knew the answer, and my heart broke into a million pieces. Fortunately, Sue was there for her with some hand holding and “Lifetime Television for ovaries,” like Beaches as comfort.

So what’d you think about “Yes/No” as a whole? What storyline was your favorite? Do you think it’s too soon for Finn and Rachel to get engaged, especially when they are in a serious funk? Isn’t Becky the hottest bitch at McKinley, and wouldn’t you totally get down with her? Can you stand Sue’s sweet streak for much longer? And how about that proposal! Can’t wait to see what they come up with for the wedding if they can make synchronized swimming seem absolutely magical. Sound off below!

THE SONGS
“Summer Lovin’” from Grease. Sung by Mercedes, Sam and New Directions. B+
“Wedding Bell Blues” by Laura Nyro (partial to The 5^th Dimension version) Sung by Emma. B
“Move Like Jagger” / “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera / The Rolling Stones. Sung by Artie with dance moves by Schue and Mike and backup from Finn and Puck. B+
“The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack. Sung by Rachel, Tina, Santana and Mercedes. A
“We Found Love” by Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris. Sung by Rachel and Santana. A-

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “I, Becky Faye Jackson, am the hottest bitch at McKinley High School… you may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England. It’s simple. In mind, I can sound like whomever I want. So lay off, haters.” – Becky
• “I could easily snag any dude East of the Mississippi, but I’m extremely picky. For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. Is that a Mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No Chang-do, I’m no rice queen.” – Becky in her “head” voice which also happens to be British.
• “Well, Michael Chiklis in a wig, I’d like to offer my congratulations. I’ve been bested. Guess it’s time to call Boreanaz.” – Sue
• “I just think we’d look really weird together. Not that your disabled; it’s cause I’m abled and people are really mean. I’m really worried that people are going to think your legs look thinner than my arms.” – Sugar
• “You are one strange looking kid. I’ve never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples.” – Coach Roz
• “If you pee in my pool, I. Will. Kill You.” – Coach Roz
• Will: C’mon ladies. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever proposed.
  Santana: Oh yeah, how’d that marriage work out for you? I mean, what was your big move then? A jumbotron that said, “Hey, Terri, I want to make a fake baby with you.”
• “You should see my moves. My mom says I have Get Down Syndrome.” – Becky
• “I know that girl, that girl’s a sly conniving bitch.” – Santana about Becky
• “I just wanted to say that I thought you blew that song out of the water and totally nailed the assignment. Oh no, wait a second. The assignment wasn’t to make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch, was it?” – Santana

For more on this episode, check out Three Rings and a Swimming Number by Josh Hatala.

Season 3, Episode 10: “Yes/No” (Original airdate January 17, 2012)

Glee airs Tuesdays at 8/7c on FOX.

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Images courtesy of Adam Rose/Fox.