Jersey Shore Review: A Blackmail Situation

Poor kids. The gang hasn’t even left Italy yet before they’ve started filming the next season of Jersey Shore, and we pick up right where we left off. There was no time for a break or a visit home, no time for a quick antipasto, primo, and secondo from mom, and not an extra minute for a scrub-down in a bathtub free of stray grenade panties and expired vomit. But they’re probably fine. As MTV executives always like to say, “more is more,” and we the viewers have become hopelessly addicted to the sound of hard-covers hitting the floor with a thud.

Upon their grand arrival to the house in Seaside, complete with the duck phone, the roomies claim their old rooms and immediately self-medicate with their old creature comforts: pickle juice sucked straight from the jar for Snooki, many GTL sessions in a row for the boys, and boardwalk rides for all. Because everyone hates Mike the Situation by now, he’s just barely being tolerated as he tags along on all their welcome-home outings. I’d feel bad for him if he weren’t so odious. Like the disgustingly ugly and life-ruining malignancy he’s become, he won’t go away without a fight, but the rest are in no condition to unite and conquer like any functioning immune system would do. Anyway, there’s drinking to be done.

The Jersey Clique’s boss at their fake T-shirt store job- the job is fake, not the store or the T-shirts- has offered to take them out to celebrate their triumphant return from the homeland. They all dress up and agree to show, but Snooki isn’t too excited, unless the host is “paying for the drinks.” Now, this wouldn’t be a concern for the average millionaire, but for someone who plans on ending the night with a bar tab in the thousands, it’s worth considering. Does Snooks realize she’s a legitimate alcoholic, by the way? Did she ever receive one of those pamphlets in school, or pick one up by accident while keeling over in an alley next to a dumpster outside a free clinic? Did she scan the list of red flags and casually dismiss them, or was there a flicker of recognition in her eyes before they rolled and went back to their primary task of seeking out her next fix?

At the bar, every cast-member’s family and friends are gathered for a big surprise, and it’s sort of sweet and all, but the only reason the producers arranged this whole thing was so that Snooki’s boyfriend Jionni could be in the same room as Vinny, who smushed Snooki last season while they were both smashed. Also in the room are Mike’s friend Unit and Snooki’s friend Ryder, who both witnessed Snooki doing unspeakable things with Mike while she was committed to Jionni. JWoww, seeing all of this amidst the emotional family reunions and hugs and happy tears, predicts there will be drama. It’s not for nothing that she’s the smartest one in the bunch.

The Situation is bubbling over with excitement. He slept with Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, and the two witnesses to the crime are currently on the scene. To this shit-stirring douchebag, there couldn’t be a more delicious scenario if he’d dreamt it up himself. Promptly notifying Snooks that Unit and Ryder will be coming back to the house after the shindig, he stares her down to gauge her reaction. Of course, her drunk ass is quaking in its tiny boots, so she reacts without thinking, attacking Unit with names and insults about his hair, belittling him, saying he’d be nothing without Mike to hang onto. She yells cliched fighting words and vaguely threatening phrases even after Unit has moved across the room. Everyone and their literal mother has now seen first-hand the effects of a drunk Snooks in public.

In a talking head, Ronnie says he’s now pretty sure that Snooki’s been lying and that she actually is guilty of sleeping with Mike. You think? What tipped you off, Ron? Was it the fact that Snooki couldn’t stand to be in the general vicinity of the key witness without frantically ingesting half the city’s vodka supply and proceeding to lash out at him? Was it all the preemptive crying and hiccuping and obvious fear? Detective JWoww is similarly suspicious, drunkenly and apprehensively asking Unit what happened, if anything happened at all. (She still wants to be able to trust her friend.) Unit says he “saw everything” and could tell quite a tale if he were called upon to do so. The Douchey Shiny-Faced Situation tells Jenni he doesn’t “want any drama.” Right. Well, whether he wants it or not, he’d wither and die without it.

JWoww joins Snooki and Ryder in the bathroom, where they stand in front of the mirror and gab like 14 year-old girls at the Poughkeepsie mall, adjusting their clothes and whining about the boys who’ve been given too much sway over them. I admire Jenni’s restraint; she doesn’t accuse but only reminds Snooki of her boyfriend and his feelings. Back at the bar, Unit wonders aloud why Snooki is threatening him instead of kissing up in order to protect herself. Maybe something has clouded her judgement, maybe she’s done something to herself that makes it more difficult for her to fully realize the direct consequences of her actions? I think we need Gumshoe Ronnie to decode this one.

After having said goodbye to their families and passed a few hand-written notes to the cameramen asking when the producers might let them see their kin again, the housemates head home for a meal of sloppy grilled meat and more drinks. Unit and Ryder are in tow, so Snooki thinks it’d be smart, and totally not suspicious at all, to sprint to her room with Jionni and distract him with sex. Her poor boyfriend seems like a schmuck, and not just because he has a solid coat of shimmering gold lacquer atop his skin. He should know by now that something is up. Mike had anticipated a show with his late-night snack, so he’s chagrined to see that Snooki didn’t have the balls to come out of hiding and face the music.

Am I really late in suggesting that Mike is a repressed homosexual? I guess I’ve heard whisperings such a thing, but this scene is over the top. While Sammi watches (in the room she shares with Mike and Ron), The Situation and his friend Unit have the following exchange while slipping into something more comfortable:

MIKE: “You want a white or a black tank top right now?”

UNIT: “I don’t wanna wear a shirt.”

MIKE: (giddy, with surprise, but trying to sound casual) “Alright! You do what you wanna do. Yo, that’s the best you’ve ever looked.”

UNIT: “Yeah? Sick, right?”

MIKE: (using a compliment I’ve never heard) “Yeah, it’s nasty. Nasty.”

UNIT: “Hell, yeah.”

MIKE: “I have whatever you need, face wash or whatever. You need new drawers, or what?”

UNIT: “Yeah, why not?”

MIKE: “You can take your pants off.”

Sammi has to flee the room with her eyes closed. If Mike the Situation agreed to do this at the behest of the producers who wanted a light scene to break up the tension, he’s a better man than I thought. He’s given himself over to the charade, a total sacrificial lamb. If not, his being in denial, deeply ashamed and self-loathing, and in constant need of drama to distract him from the skeletons competing for space in that tiny closet would explain a whole hell of a lot.

Downstairs by the grill, Ryder continues to make her rounds, now flirting with Pauly in front of everyone. Deena, who’s been in love with Pauly for awhile, can’t hide her disappointment and jealousy. I honestly think Deena is a sweetheart and very earnest, albeit clueless with a martyr complex. Ryder and Pauly escape to his bed and get under the covers. With the sexual maturity and confidence of a Catholic preteen, Ryder coyly hints around and asks Pauly if he wants to “play.” Pretending for a second that he won’t take her up on the offer, Pauly reminds us she’s already slept with Vinny and Mike. Before he can get to smushing, though, Deena enters the room, sits at the foot of the bed, and awkwardly waits in silence for Pauly to kick Ryder aside and become the dream lover Deena’s been waiting for. When it doesn’t happen, she stumbles out of the room muttering, “Whatever. I’m happy.”

The morning after, Ronnie and Vinny tease Pauly openly about having ridden Ryder like a bus route. There are a lot of bad puns flying around as they cackle and rock back and forth and rib each other in celebration of their cleverness. Pauly laughs along while his conquest walks around wearing his T-shirt and shorts in the next room, likely within earshot. Hasn’t Snooki slept with three out of four of the guys, as well? Where’s her slut-shaming, bro-bonding session? These women may be immature, and they may indeed lack the basic tools needed for achieving self-actualization and clarity, but the guys are past redemption, and I hope no one is stupid enough to marry any of them, ever.

Snooki and Jionni finally emerge from hiding to be greeted by Mike, who follows Snooki to the patio to have a smoke and continue to taunt her. Here’s the deal: the threat of being ratted out is ever-looming, but she can postpone the dramatic confrontation for a little while by apologizing to Unit. Snooki is sober enough for the moment to realize she must acquiesce, so she apologizes without hesitation, saying she was drunk and didn’t know what she was doing, and it’s not like her to say “sorry,” but pretty please, just please, please believe her and don’t do anything mean in retaliation. She tries to get away with telling us she only did this to follow Mike’s orders and not because she cares at all. Yes, because Snooki always does what Mike tells her to do, even when she has nothing to gain and only her last shreds of dignity to lose. No one buys your story anymore, Snooks.

Later on at Club Aztec, which all the roomies pronounce as Ass-tack, Mike is shocked by the kindness of Jionni, who buys him drinks all night and generally makes nice. The Situation couldn’t be more excited by the irony of taking from the wallet of the man whose girlfriend he screwed. Once they’ve imbibed and had a bit of friendly conversation, Jionni swings around to joyously report to Snooki that he’s made a new friend, that Mike is really a cool guy. Snooki does her best impression of someone who isn’t terrified of what lies ahead, still making sure to warn Jionni that Mike has a habit of indiscriminately attacking people with wild and totally untrue accusations. So watch out for that.

THIS SEASON: People get drunk, Mommy’s Boy Vinny can’t cut it and must go home to his family, and Deena does and says many more obnoxious things.

For another take on this week’s episode check out “Hurricane Situation” by Tanya Lane.

Season 5, Episode 1: “Hurricane Situation” (original airdate Jamuary 5, 2012)

Jersey Shore airs Thursdays at 10/9c on MTV.

Images courtesy of MTV.