The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Moscato Whine

Following a much-appreciated brief hiatus, Real Housewives of Atlanta returned this week with more standard-issue antics from the ladies and more unsolicited appearances by the morally questionable socialite Marlo. Meanwhile, Kim is still turning into too much of an actual Atlanta housewife, so we’ll mostly ignore her.

First, Phaedra gives her mom the run-down on her new funeral home plans, saying she wants to leave a legacy for her son that includes caskets and distasteful frivolity. She’s still struggling to get Apollo aboard her ship of dreams, she explains, since he still wrongly thinks of sadness when the topic of funerals comes up. “But I wanna do fabulous ones,” Phaedra explains. Not ones where you just “throw people in the ground.” She wants to “throw them in the ground with a bang.” After asking to be appointed minister of the aspirational operation, Mom asks if Phaedra ever thought to get Apollo’s input. “No, not really,” Phaedra admits, figuring she’d just assign her husband the task of carrying around all the heavy dead bodies and racing them across town, since he’s strong and likes to drive fast.

If you’ll recall, Peter left Cynthia high and dry while she was attempting to point him out during her agency launch party. The tension is still unresolved as they wait to take salsa lessons at a dance studio. Peter thinks the trouble between them results from their lack of “fun” together, and this date night should fix it. Cynthia stands up for herself and counters that it’s his continual emotional neglect and bullying that gets in the way of their harmony as a couple. Well, she called it “communication” problems, but still, it’s a victory for her. Peter’s absurd response to her complaint about his desertion that night is, get this, “I don’t like to say goodbye. I really don’t.” Sorry, that excuse doesn’t apply here. You weren’t leaving for a years-long stint in Iraq, Peter. You were hanging around a cocktail party getting handshakes and slaps on the back before you decided to dip out and chill at home rather than hear your wife announce the launch of her new business.

Before they jump up to dance, Cynthia calls her beloved out on his general sense of entitlement, and he finds it reasonable to respond that he’s always been this way, always communicated in a brash manner, and that will never change for the rest of his life. Whether or not she wants to stay is up to her. Plus, not everything about Cynthia is perfect either, so ha! I applaud Peter for using the age-old tactic of redirecting the blame to his opponent, but Cynthia doesn’t fall for the mind games. Instead, she argues that her list of things she’s “awesome at” is longer than her list of “sucky” qualities. Now, we all know that to be false, but good for her for standing her ground.

While Kim and her family unpack Versace chinawear in their new dining room, Kandi and her friend Lil Ronnie are jetting off to Nashville to have a writing session with Jo Dee Messina. Kandi reports her nervousness about meeting Jo Dee for the first time, and she hopes she can write something the artist will love. Is she forgetting about that one time (last episode) where they talked over Skype, and Jo Dee hated what Kandi wrote and basically told her it was unusable?

At Jo Dee’s house, Kandi busies herself with rubbing the music award trophies on the mantle, hoping that her pure desire for one will render any experience, aptitude, or confidence in the field of country music completely superfluous. Kandi sings an awfully mediocre song about love addiction for Jo Dee (sample lyrics: “I’m doin’ great/ I’m flauntin’ my man/ All in your face.”), who struggles to keep from cringing before wondering aloud if they shouldn’t just scrap the whole thing and start over. Jo Dee chooses to take one random lyric about an alcoholic and his bottle and create a song around that, and of course, hers turns out to be infinitely better. It’s still not the most interesting song, but I suppose someone somewhere likes to hear women belt out whiny, ballad-y tunes about romance. I find it creepy that the song promotes tenacity itself as a supreme value in relationships, barring all other considerations. Like a wino won’t give up his bottle and a gambler won’t put down the dice, I can’t give up on you. Wonderful message, ladies. Anyway, Kandi is miffed about being upstaged by a much more talented person, but they all seem happy to have created something by the end of the day.

For some reason, NeNe and Marlo arrange a daytime meeting to drink Moscato together and dish about the Charles Grant rumors. Marlo is upset that her nieces and nephews come across the gossip online, and she doesn’t want to have to explain. Wow, you mean to tell me that you’re digging gold from the estate of a professional athlete with unsavory opinions about women, and you’re not his first love?! NeNe reminds Marlo that “everyone has a past,” and besides, nothing sexual ever happened between them. Soon, Marlo is laughing it off and providing her own backstory. Apparently, she’s been arrested seven times, mostly in connection with a bar fight she had once. Her own mother was abusive and dependent on alcohol, so she didn’t have an easy upbringing.

NeNe gets a good vibe from Marlo, since she seems “real” and has succeeded despite a troubled history. When Marlo tries again to bring up the man issue, NeNe suggests they switch to another cliched female preoccupation and debate about shoes, instead. Then, they dash out to go shopping, and it’s positively heartwarming. Later on, Marlo invites NeNe to a jewelry fundraiser for the Captain Planet Foundation, hoping for a contribution of some kind. Since NeNe knows she doesn’t need $25,000 earrings and doesn’t care if they’re inspired by the Dalai Lama (whom she guesses is an Italian designer), she contributes nothing to the event but her super famous celebrity presence. Dashing my hopes for conflict, Marlo stays cool and continues to make nice with NeNe. For now.

Sheree’s only appearance in this episode consists of her bringing yoga mats to Kim’s house to try and get the new mother and ex-smoker to work out and try some vegetable smoothies. I’m convinced Sheree only does this in order to feed her own tumor of an ego. Reminding us how unfit and unconcerned with health Kim has always been, Sheree shows up when Kim’s at her weakest and most tired and proceeds to do stretches and floor exercises at hyper speed while Kim remains mostly stationary on the floor. Geez, okay, Sheree. You win. Happy now?

Over at Willie Watkins’ elegant funeral home, Phaedra and Apollo sit down to get some advice for building Phaedra’s enterprise. Willie immediately suggests a “deep apprenticeship,” trying to be kind about the opportunistic, ignorant elephant in the room. He wants them to get used to seeing dead bodies and also, you know, maybe learn how to do the job. Phaedra says, “This is my passion,” and no one believes her, but they go on a mini-tour, anyway, so Apollo can see what he’ll be dealing with against his will. They look at the grotesquely sharp embalming tools and the room full of caskets while Willie walks them through logistics. Phaedra doesn’t pay too much attention, since she’s busy shuffling through color palettes and sampling decadent finger foods in her pretty little head.

On another day, Apollo shows up at Phaedra’s office with kisses and a bouquet of flowers. They sit down and chat about her funeral dreams, and he admits to being put-off by it, even after their tour. Apollo explains that he doesn’t want to be spiritually tainted while handling the dead, since he’ll be coming into contact with multiple souls. Phaedra helpfully corrects his logic and reminds him that those souls will already have departed for the great hereafter, so he needn’t worry. Apollo caves in when his wife lures him with the promise of attractive, vulnerable, sobbing women who will be grabbing his biceps and needing his consolation during the services. The couple is kind of cute for one second as they pantomime the scenario. He’s reeled in, and Phaedra can’t wait to meet with Willie to “draw up the joint venture paperwork.” Phaedra’s talking head reiterates the point that Apollo’s physical strength qualifies him for handling the dead bodies. Back in the office, the two entrepreneurs hug it out before Apollo mentions his only condition: he isn’t willing to handle any dead bodies. Phaedra nods dismissively and starts silently plotting a way to brainwash her husband into forgetting his preferences, his interests, his boundaries, and eventually, his own given name.

Cynthia and Peter decide to meet with the Pastor who married them, in order to get advice on communication. “If anyone can fix us, it’s him,” Cynthia tells the camera. To be fair, Peter does seem to open up more and talk with a bit more self-awareness with this male figure of authority in the room. He admits his reactions to Cynthia’s concerns might not always be the best, but he has a defense: “Bitch be talkin’ too much, and I can’t be listenin’ to all that.” (paraphrased, but terrifyingly close to what he actually said) Cynthia, for her part, is tired of hearing Peter refer to himself as an old, forgetful dinosaur. She wants a concrete plan for moving forward, since she’s at the end of her rope. Peter stubbornly announces that he’s set in his ways, and Cynthia knows no matter what they accomplish here, the niceties around the house will only last for 24 to 48 hours.

When the pastor tells the couple to face one another and each state what they love about the other person, it’s a cinch for Cynthia. She loves Peter’s strength, age and experience, and the fact that he actually tries to get things done. Peter strikes me as painfully insecure (as most bullies are); he looks touched and surprised by her words but refuses to return the gesture. He says her positive attributes are not worth mentioning, since they’re here to discuss the stuff they hate about each other. Cynthia won’t have it. She needs to know right now what her husband actually finds appealing about her, but Peter can’t bring himself to think of anything. The pastor looks somewhat frightened for a moment, shocked that his old friend has turned into such a hardened, unlovable curmudgeon. He gains his composure and butts in to defend Peter, bringing up their wedding day and how he cried when Cynthia came down the staircase. The implication is that, since Peter once showed human emotion, he should be given a lifetime pass to wreck his spouse’s life, I guess. Finally coming up with a serviceable answer, Peter says he loves how Cynthia acts as a mother to her child and handles her relationship with her daughter’s father. Also, Peter adds, sometimes his awful days get better when he looks at Cynthia, and the fact that she’s with him and wants to make it work is encouraging. I guess no one is alarmed that, in Peter’s mind, Cynthia’s only good qualities stem from her usefulness to others. Is there anything inherently about her that Peter loves, anything other than how she functions as a wife and mother?

In the end, Peter is able to apologize for not always admitting when he’s wrong. He knows he needs to improve and grow with every negative encounter. Cynthia sees this as the first step in the right direction, though once they’re outside in the parking lot, she confides in Peter that she doesn’t always like or love him anymore. Since, on a good day when the sun is just right and she’s had her vitamins and done her meditating, Cynthia can still detect teensy, tiny traces of the man she fell in love with, she’s committed to making it work. Sounds promising and totally worth the effort, no?

NEXT WEEK: Kim ventures out of the house to shoot guns with Kroy, Phaedra and Apollo meet with Peter and Cynthia to smooth things over, and NeNe is forced to sit at the same table as Kim while Kandi’s mother tries to get them to kiss and make up.

Season 4, Episode 9: “Unlikely Duos” (original airdate January 8, 2011.)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Wilford Harewood and Bravo.