Jersey Shore Review: Caked On

This Jersey Shore opens on JWoww finishing her telephone tiff with Roger, who demands a final verdict on their fledgling relationship. After saying “I love you” in the sternest way I’ve ever heard the sentiment expressed, Roger laughs everything off and leaves Jenni relieved but exhausted by the exchange. JWoww recounts their disagreement to the girls in the middle of an unbelievable mess of perfume bottles, old makeup, and strewn-about, tan-streaked clothing items, and they remind her how silly and childish she is for getting upset over non-events.

Showing themselves to epitomize sophistication and maturity, the two meatballs set about baking an “I’m Sorry” dessert for their boss Danny. It’s terrifying to watch them carelessly mix the batter under those swinging strands of filthy synthetic hair and sweaty mascara dingleberries perched on faux lashes, but I’m sure the cake was delicious. To Danny, it’s an acceptable apology from “the girls,” who coo and pout and giggle while presenting it. In fact, he thinks it’s “very cute” and instantly forgets why he ever doubted their aptitude in the first place. To be fair, when Snooki screws up by not showing up to the store on time, Danny does throw her a few actual work tasks for once. Moving boxes and wiping counters, Snooki says she’s “too pretty for this,” since it’s “retail abuse.”

The reason for Snooki’s lateness is that pesky old burning sensation that’s been interrupting her dance moves lately. Today it has her rushing to the doctor’s office, where she claims to have had 10 UTIs in the past year. I can’t even imagine how this could possibly be true. The doctor doesn’t even flinch. Snooki’s less concerned about her terrible track record than she is disappointed about not being able to mix alcohol with her meds. Don’t worry; she’s unfazed and back to drinking like an orange pufferfish in a matter of hours.

Meanwhile, Mike’s temper is flaring hotter than Snooki’s nether regions, and he can’t maintain his nice guy facade for much longer. Though Danny’s cake may have been a totally-age appropriate and scrumptious treat, it wasn’t exactly intact. You see, someone ate a chunk of it the night before it was gifted, and everyone naturally assumed Mike to be the culprit. How could they have known? Why would any soul believe Mike when he denied doing it and claimed to be on a diet? Alas, they find they were mistaken when the real criminal confesses. Gasp! It was Pauly, in the kitchen, with the spoon.

The Situation is pissed. Finally, at long last, he can rightly claim to be a scapegoat. And so he pisses his pissy whiny self all the way to the phone, where he seeks the comforting company of Unit, the man with the sabotage plan. Unfortunately, with Unit still out of town until tomorrow morning, Mike must postpone his blackmail spectacle for one more day. More tragically, he’ll have to pass out drunk tonight without first having gazed upon Unit’s glistening washboard abs sliding into a borrowed T-shirt and pair of boxer briefs.

To console himself, Mike welcomes Birthday Girl Paula to the crib overnight, where she’s promised Little Situation as a special present. Ever since the release of that dumb-ass song, loser guys have been getting away with pretending birthday sex is an event in itself. Mike literally does nothing else to observe the anniversary of Paula’s birth except drag her onto a stained mattress. Everyone thinks this is charming. Sammi thinks Paula is a good match for Mike. Mike considers Paula “too good to be true,” and she appears to genuinely be into him. It just doesn’t compute, since she’s relatively decent-looking and appears to have more than two brain cells to rub together.

Deena’s a bit less smart and cute, but even she deserves better than someone like Mike, who now spends most of his time warning the camera of the impending tsunami of truth coming Snooki’s way. Deena somehow snags Joey again, an adorable and seemingly nice Italian boy with whom she’s cavorted in the past. Now it’s her turn to smush and call her conquest a cab, which I’m sure makes her feel like an even cooler member of the devil-may-care boys’ club. Deena was hopelessly tanked when Snooki teased Joey and offered him a condom and asked to watch them “do sex” last night, but she still remembers the blessed event of their union. “I really like him; I don’t want him to leave,” she tells us in the morning. She’ll never achieve a true life of brazen disregard if she keeps it up with those icky emotions.

Sammi thinks Deena loves Joey already. “It is possible to find love on the Jersey Shore,” she smiles. The only thing Sammi’s done so far this season is weigh in with opinions on other people’s relationships.

The group’s next night out at Karma marks the first time Jenni’s seen Roger in person since their fight, so she chooses to wear a teensy dominatrix-type getup that barely covers her bits with slivers of leather. JWoww matches this outfit with a coy, awkward greeting at the door, reinforcing my belief that she’s much less sexually confident than one might think. Her goal, she explains, is to remind Roger of the two big reasons (boobs) he’s with her, and to provoke jealousy at the club, since other men will be gawking. She turns out to be right, as tonight is a particularly volatile night at Karma. Random fights break out, and Jenni’s so sure she’ll get in one herself that she requests a shirt to contain her bosom. Roger vows to fight her battles on her behalf and is immediately called on his promise by a drunken fool who gropes at Jenni a few too many times. Jenni’s boyfriend may be a lot of things, but the guy won’t be thought of as a punk.

NEXT WEEK: We see the results of Roger’s forceful blow at the club, the meatballs take a boat out on the water, and Snooki and Jionni fight.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out “Love At The Jersey Shore” by Tanya Lane.

Season 5, Episode 7: “Love At The Jersey Shore” (original airdate Thursday, February 16, 2012.)

For more Jersey Shore, check out our other reviews.

Jersey Shore airs Thursdays at 10/9c on MTV.

Images courtey of MTV.