The Bachelorette Review: Uh-oh! Someone Isn’t Here for the “Right Reasons”
Mere seconds into this week’s episode of The Bachelorette, Desiree again informs all of us that this place is amazing, these men are amazing, and this entire experience of finding love on national television is amazing. You know what else is amazing? The amount of people who apparently watch this dumbass show. At least I have an excuse. I have to write these reviews! What do the rest of you have to say for yourselves?
Once again, Pimp Daddy Host Chris Harrison arrives in his lame checkered shirt to the boy’s mansion, to give them their first Date Card. Ben, who is loathed by every single guy in the house, tells the camera that he doesn’t care, because he is there to “win” Des. Win her? Gross. Let the drama begin …….
Group Date Part One: Des and Nine Douchebags
Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, his teeth, Brad, Mikey, his teddy bear, Brandon, Zak K. and Ben . . . oh, and Desiree too . . .all go out on a group date. Because that happens in real life. You often go out with 9 desperate losers all at the same exact time. Now, on a scale of ridiculousness as far as group date activities go, this one broke the scale. Dodgeball. Professional dodgeball – playing with and against the National Dodgeball League. Why? Who the hell knows? Because getting pelted in the face by dodgeballs proves that you are somehow good enough to be with Des. In the midst of their tremendously gay dodgeball-fest, Pimp Daddy Harrison shows up and tells the boys they will now play against one another, then they change into the most embarrassing outfits anyone has ever seen, and they played 3 games in a public forum – while wearing hideous short shorts and horrid bandannas. Each team showed their love and desire to win for Des by chanting awful cheers to psyche themselves up, like “Des Des it’s time to fight. Des Des we’ll see you tonight.” Meanwhile, I was sort of hoping someone would come in and knock me out cold so I wouldn’t have to sit through this drivel. No such luck though. Instead, Brooke and his teeth took a tumble, and he was taken away by ambulance. Who gets taken away by ambulance from dodgeball??? Of course, this show made his “injury” seem like the worst thing on the planet, when in reality, he looked really hilarious returning later on in the evening with a giant finger-bandage, holding his finger in the air like it was on an imaginary tray. After the game, while Brooke was lying in a hospital recovering, Des and the boys made a toast. “To Brooke – for taking a finger,” said Des brightly. Oh, that just sounds all kinds of wrong . . .
During the evening part of the group date, all the man-children tried their best to get some one-on-one time with Des. Brad uses his time to tell Des about his 3 year old son named Maddox or Medix or some dumb-ass name. Apparently Medix’s mom drinks a lot, which might explain the dumb name, and poor Brad had to raise his son alone. He seemed to be stoned out of his mind as he was telling Des this fascinating tale of him being father of the year.
Chris used his time to walk Des up to the roof of the building, where they sat and looked at the night sky and talked. Des declared that “this is amazing!” and Chris declared that he wanted some time to “make his move.” I guess his move was to just talk a lot, cuz that is all that happened. Then Des and Brook and Brook’s teeth all hung out, while Brook’s finger sat upright in mid-air, awkwardly. Brook somehow gets past this, and shoves his enormous teeth into Des’s mouth, and they kiss again. Despite Brooks going to the hospital and making it back to the after-party, he does not get the rose. Chris does, because he brought Des up to the roof. Because he got the rose, he got a little extra time with Des, where they enjoyed a private concert from Faith Earl (Who? Exactly). They dance and they kiss quite a bit, and Chris says the whole thing is “like a fairytale.” AMAZING??? Amazing.
Des and Kasey with a K
So, Kasey with a K gets the first one-one-date of the week, and their destination is perhaps the stupidest thing ever to happen on this show, and that is certainly saying a lot: Vandalooping. Yup. You read that right. What the F&*k is vandalooping – you may be asking yourself. Well, it is another term for “dancing on the side of a building like a couple of yahoos.” These idiots actually did some weird-ass version of ballet and shit ON THE SIDE OF A BUILDING. This show is really starting to run out of ideas for dates. Des came up with this gem to the camera “Kasey was such a great sport about dancing on the side of a building, I’m so glad that I could dance on the side of a building with Kasey.” The nighttime part of their date wasn’t much better. It was windy as all hell as they tried to eat their romantic dinner outdoors, so the two crazy kids jumped in the pool, where it was then freezing. Kasey with a K put a towel over Des’s head and then they kissed in the pool with towels on their heads. Des declared that “tonight has been a bit off, but Kasey has been great.” She gave him a rose. I don’t know why. Must have been the dismount.
Des and Chris Harrison and Brian and Brian’s Girlfriend and a Whole Lotta DRAMA
“Right reasons, right reasons, here for ya girl for all the right reasons.” Loooks like somebody didn’t pay attention to that horrific rap song last week. Uh-oh!!! Someone isn’t here for the right reasons, and that someone is Brian and his giant shiny forehead. The drama begins when host Pimp Harrison calls Des on the phone (his favorite thing to do on this show, by the way) to inform her that someone is not here for the right reasons, and he would like to meet her at the mansion and clear this issue up. Des agrees, and she goes on over to the house and pulls Brian out of the room. All the men run to the window like gossipy schoolgirls, and listen through the open window to the drama unfolding outside. Des starts to ask Brian and his forehead if he has anything to tell her, if he is being honest, if he wants to add anything about his past relationships. Brian stumbled and makes grunting noises and says nothing, and Des continues to lay down the red carpet of drama for Chris Harrison, who then enters at the perfect time with a guest – Brian’s girlfriend!!!!!! Oooooooooooohhh!!!! Then, as if choreographed and rehearsed, Des says to Brian AS his girlfriend enters the area: “Well why don’t you ask your girlfriend how she feels about this, since she is right behind you.” What is this, Maury Povich? Brian’s girlfriend then proceeded to never shut the hell up - to the point where Pimp Harrison was interrupting her and cutting her off every two seconds, trying to maintain some control over his own silly show. Brian and the girlfriend had this genius exchange:
Brian: I feel terrible this is happening (said with zero emotion or personality).
Stephanie: No you don’t!!!!
Brian: (to Des and Chris, as if begging) She threw rocks at me!
Stephanie: I DID throw rocks at you!
Apparently she also threw her vagina at him, since they slept together just 2 days before Chris left to come film the show and “find love.” This pointless drama finally ended when Harrison asked Des if there was any chance at all that Brian would be allowed to stay on the show, and she said “No. There is no chance at all.” So the loud and annoying girlfriend got taken away in a limo, and Brian left with his head hung in shame as he went to get his sad little suitcase and go home to polish his forehead. Des then threatened the remaining men with: “If any of you have anything to hide, tell me now!” Nobody did, but then silly Brandon started sobbing like an infant because the Brian situation reminded him of his own childhood growing up with out a dad. You see, all these men would date his mother, and they would teach him how to throw a baseball or promise to be there for him, and then he would wake up the next day, and they were . . . “Gone. Just gone.” Dude broke down crying giving his little speech into the camera.
Group Date Part Deux: Des and More Douchebags
This group date was basically a huge commercial for Disney’s new film “The Lone Ranger.” Real clever, guys. All of the men had to work with the stunt-team from the film, and learn stunts such as lasso, quick draw, and fighting for justice. Each had to pull up on a horse, fight a few men, and save their lady, and the one to perform the movie scene the best got some one on one time with her. Juan Pablo took the prize, because his name is Juan Pablo, and he spoke the entire scene in Spanish, which made Des all horny-like. The two of them went off into a barn somewhere and watched the movie together while he fed her popcorn, and they kissed quite a bit. Juan said “I was her hero today, and every hero deserves a kiss.” Yuck. Seriously – is someone writing this shit and then just feeding it to these men to say? I have to beleive that, because the idea that any of these guys would come up with these cheesy, hideous lines on their own is just goddamn depressing.
Later on, the men made a fire by the ranch and took turns trying to get time with Des. Dummy Bryden and Des literally sat in a tree and k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Dummy was once again too stupid to pick up on Des’s VERY obvious signs of “KISS ME YOU STUPID MORON!!!!”, and again, she ended up making the first move by grabbing his hand, then his face. His comment about their kiss? “It’s awesome. When you’re done, you wanna do it again.” Wow.
James took Des aside and had a serious moment talking about his dad getting sick with cancer, and how he hesitated to leave him and be on the show. He wanted to be assured that Des was into him, so Des showed him by giving him the rose. Awwww. . .
Des and The Pool Party and Ben the Party-Pooper
Instead of a cocktail party, the show tried to spice it up with a daytime pool party instead. But sneaky Ben had other plans, and asked Des if he could steal her away for a 15-min car ride before the party began. She said yes to him and his inexcusable tank top, and they drove around while he yammered on AGAIN about his freakin’ son. WE GET IT! YOU HAVE A SON! When they pulled back into the driveway, those pesky other boys were peeking through the curtains again, and saw Ben and Des in the Bentley – kissing. Ben told Des, like some pedophile creeper, “Shhh!! Remember, this is our little secret!” but those boys knew better. OH NO!!!!!!!! CUE THE DRAMA!!!!!!
As you can imagine, this caused about 57 shades of hell, as the guys kept pestering Ben with questions, asking him if he has had a chance to see or talk to Des yet today. He said no, and Mikey no like that. Mikey no like being lied to. “I think he deserves a punch in the face!” he says to nobody. “I cannot tolerate being lied to. I cannot unscramble that egg.” What the f&**k does that even mean???? Meanwhile, sobbing Brandon takes Des aside and goes into his long tale about his childhood and how daddy never hugged him, and how daddy left him, and he almost sobs once again. Des looks like she is bored out of her mind, and right then, I knew she was going to send this poor dude home. Then I REALLY knew when he said into the camera “I’m falling in love with her. There’s not much else to think about except how perfect and meant to be we really are.” It’s always the guy who says THAT – who you see in that limo, just a few minutes later, headed home and crying. “But I loooooooove her!!!!!!! Whyyyyy?”
The creepy group date ends with Des and ALL the men in the hot tub together, and Harrison coming over and ordering them to “get cleaned up” (Ewww!) and get ready for the Rose Ceremony. Come on, boys. This orgy is OVER!
Des once again gives her rose to Juan Pablo in Spanish, which is starting to get on my nerves. Alright lady – we understand you like the guy and you learned your one little sentence in Spanish to be all cutesy – but it’s enough already. Brooks and his teeth also got a rose, as did Zak W. and Drew, and I have no idea who the hell that is. Harrison came over and said “Gentlemen , Des . . . this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.”
And taking the Rejection Ride home was. . .
Dan: He was “bummed”, and Des was being duped by Ben. Well I was duped by you, Dan, cuz I have no clue who you are.
Brandon: “I’m f**king blown away.” Woah! Watch your language there, buddy. This is a family show! He tells Des that she is making a huge mistake, and she says “I’m sorry. You’re a great person, just not for me.” She then attempts to further explain herself outside, but she doesn’t really add anything of substance to make him feel better. Dan sobs once again, ”Once again . . . someone left me. I’m just out of tears.” No you’re not, dude. You’ve got plenty of tears. Have at it.
It really sucks when your daddy leaves you at such a young age. You don’t ever get over something like that. That’s just one egg you cant unscramble.
Season 9, Episode 3. Originally aired June 10, 2013